The All New Jobs Thread

[Spikey M]

Just spent a deeply fulfilling three days giving people slightly different computers to the ones they already have. It never ceases to amaze me how even people who use computers for most of their shift every day can be so utterly terrified of getting a new one.

The worst that happens is the initial setup goes sideways and you get an afternoon off waiting for tech support to fix it. Get a grip.

Listen, IT Cunt. You lot don't know what you're doing. To you it's just a new laptop. To me, it's every system forgetting my login details, the mouse being sightly more/less responsive, having to pair my headset again. Oh, what's that, another update? Wait, why do I need 2FA to use the fucking calculator now. Oh cool, a new email, Oh, no, it's just another Phishing test.

Leave us alone you horrible bastards. We have actual work to do.

[Baz]

What colours it? :D

[Dark Soldier]

I set 300 colleagues up to work from home virtually when Covid hit. Oversaw a team of 6 doing it. Worst nightmare I've ever fucking experienced. The amount of people that don't even know what a browser is is baffling so asking them to install Teams and internal systems was fucking horrendous, all via phonecall.

[Dark Soldier]

Spikey is definitely one of those who asks "But can it run my Facebooks" when he rings IS.

[Lofty]

Did you not have remote admin privileges set up, DS?

[Spikey M]

Spikey is definitely one of those who asks "But can it run my Facebooks" when he rings IS.

I don't phone them unless it is completely unavoidable. I also have 2 A levels in ICT, tyvm ttfn livelaughlove.

[Dark Soldier]

Did you not have remote admin privileges set up, DS?

Nope. I technically wasn't IS, our entire IS operation was one guy so they banged me on it as a Senior. So it was literal they get laptop delivered, me and my team ring them.and guide them.throigh downloading everything over the phone and inputting proxies etc. Took an average of one to two hours per call as half of them were Karens who wanted to talk about the weather.

Absolute fucking crapshoot.

[Ian]

Listen, IT Cunt. You lot don't know what you're doing. To you it's just a new laptop. To me, it's every system forgetting my login details, the mouse being sightly more/less responsive, having to pair my headset again. Oh, what's that, another update? Wait, why do I need 2FA to use the fucking calculator now. Oh cool, a new email, Oh, no, it's just another Phishing test.

Leave us alone you horrible bastards. We have actual work to do.

Alright Mavis, have a cup of Ovaltine and settle the fuck down.

[randomlegend]

I set 300 colleagues up to work from home virtually when Covid hit. Oversaw a team of 6 doing it. Worst nightmare I've ever fucking experienced. The amount of people that don't even know what a browser is is baffling so asking them to install Teams and internal systems was fucking horrendous, all via phonecall.

My brother did IT help desk for quite a while and he said that the majority of people when asked to restart their computer would turn the monitor off and on again.

[wullie]

When people ask me if they can disable 2FA I reset their password as a bonus for the sheer impudence.

[Ian]

My brother did IT help desk for quite a while and he said that the majority of people when asked to restart their computer would turn the monitor off and on again.

Yep, absolutely. Luckily we're able to catch them in the lie because we can see when their computer restarts so if they lock it or just log out we can tell them to actually do what was asked of them.

[phonics]

At DuPont a Corporate Vice President responded with 'Whats that?' when I asked him to open the My Documents folder on his Desktop.

[Shindig]

I spent today reminding someone to lock their PC when they left their desk. Other than that, my trainees are usually clued in enough.

[Baz]

Life was a revelation learning windows key + L

[Ian]

Windows key + L is a top 5 shortcut I reckon.

[Shindig]

Windows key + D must be a close second.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's finally happened. Barney has handed in his notice and taken a job installing fibreoptic broadband.

Victory is mine.

[Spikey M]

I'm giving Barney the win on this one.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He has to work with the general public every day. He's definitely not winning.

[Lofty]

Barney seems to me, at least via the portrait you have painted of him over the years, to not be well suited to anything requiring a modicum of technical skill.

[Spikey M]

He has to work with the general public every day. He's definitely not winning.

They're unlikely to be French though.

[Boydy]

Barney is the one who fell and broke his arm, right? He's going to be installing broadband? Doesn't that usually involve going up a ladder these days?

[Jimmy Floyd]

He has to go to people's houses, drill holes in their walls, splice cable together and lay it down to where they want the router. If he doesn't fall over again by day 3 I'll be shocked.

[Gray Fox]

"Finally got that £44k a year you wanted? No... Oh okay."

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Barney living his best life.

[Spikey M]

I've just realised he might be working with Magic and/or Henners. The victory is somewhat on the ropes.

[Baz]

He has to go to people's houses, drill holes in their walls, splice cable together and lay it down to where they want the router. If he doesn't fall over again by day 3 I'll be shocked.Does he come across as handy?

[Giggles]

Is he the really old lad that Jim travels with?

[Lofty]

Nah he is Jim's office nemesis.

[Ian]

Dealing with a swarm of flesh-eating ants would be better than dealing with most of the people you describe, Jimmy. Not saying Barney's in for a dream life or anything but it'll have its benefits.

[Lofty]

I fully expect Barney to drill through a water pipe on his first day.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab (fresh from a 4 week business trip to the Kingdom, rather him than me) declared that Barney is an idiot because the job isn't even on a fixed salary. You don't get assigned a job that day, you don't get paid. He's probably not wrong.

[Lofty]

Surprised they haven't implemented that at your spot, if you don't sell anything you don't get paid.

[Ian]

"We've implemented a policy where any time you spend working in sunny countries is unpaid as that's basically a holiday.

Incidentally, Jimmy, please find enclosed your travel documents. We're sending you to Kenya."

[Jimmy Floyd]

Good news then that my next trip (in about a month's time) is to the opposite of a sunny country, Poland.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I mean, they're having a heatwave over there.

Has been 30c a few days lately.

Although September is usually quite cool.

[Lofty]

The old fella taking Jim to a bar for lunch in Krakow where there is a stripper on the table :D

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Plenty of prostitutes on the roads too for him.

[Kikó]

Tough for you Jim. Fantastic looking women with square headed meatheaded men. No eyecandy phwoar etc.

[Jimmy Floyd]

About 40% of the boss's stories revolve around motorwayside knocking shops in the mid 90s. Probably still beats the Arab's dad, who refused a prostitute supplied for him by a customer in Egypt and lost a $100,000 order as a result.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Fun fact.

Prostitution is legal in Poland and it's the only profession in the country that isn't taxed.

[Lofty]

About 40% of the boss's stories revolve around motorwayside knocking shops in the mid 90s. Probably still beats the Arab's dad, who refused a prostitute supplied for him by a customer in Egypt and lost a $100,000 order as a result.

And I thought a guy I know having to eat squid to avoid offense and close a deal was tough.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Barney having a massive barney about the fact he hasn't been paid any commission this month.

Probably because you handed in your notice the day before payday, you fucking moron.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Justice for Barney.

[Lofty]

Schoolboy error from the Barnster.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Since Barney's fucking off, his one commission territory - Ireland - will soon be up for grabs. The runners and riders sweepstakes has truly begun while he's still here. First of all the two shithouse UK sales blokes (the blokes) made it clear they were each up for taking it. Then (and I'm not sure how this happened) rumours started that I would be getting it. They asked me if I wanted it. I said sure, I'd do it if asked, but happy to go with whatever the company decides. This made them seethe about as they were hoping I'd say no, but I wasn't born yesterday.

Next thing that happens is that in front of everyone, the Arab suddenly pitches to the sales director that he wants Ireland. The blokes started seething and argued that since he has Iraq, UAE and Saudi Arabia, why should he randomly get Ireland as well? The Arab claimed that he likes the Irish because they 'talk a lot', as does he.

It'll be fascinating to see which way this goes. I don't really want it, I think I'll be a bit too Trevelyan to do well over there, but the Arab attempting it in between trips to the Kingdom would be hilarious.

[Lofty]

Please tell me you're going to say 'break a leg' to Barney as he leaves for the last time.

[Baz]

Surely you’d rather frequently go to Ireland than Poland.

[Jimmy Floyd]

There's about five times the money in Poland.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Surely you’d rather frequently go to Ireland than Poland.

Poland is mega you cunt.

[Spikey M]

I've just been to a meeting with a tenants Social worker and carer at the tenants request. It turns out that she wanted me there because they "gang up on" her and I'm her only friend. Now, considering I've only met her twice -Once to deal with her ASB and once to deal with a complaint about her neighbour - I think this might be the saddest thing I've ever encountered.

How alone do you have to be to think a half-interested Housing Officer is your best friend?

[Ian]

That is a bit tragic. Actually so.

Jimmy, give us a story about one of the awful people you work with to lift the mood, please.

[Kikó]

Had a pretty bad interviewee today. I don't know why you wouldn't do some basic research on the domain topic before applying.

[Shindig]

It's your own fault for hyping Spikey up.

[Jimmy Floyd]

That is a bit tragic. Actually so.

Jimmy, give us a story about one of the awful people you work with to lift the mood, please.

Well, the Arab spent a lot of today refuting the findings in The Origin of Species, if that counts. 'Darwin was just one scientist.'

[Spikey M]

Is he wrong, Jimmy? Is he wrong?

Say what you like about the man. He's nailed counting.

[Lofty]

Had a pretty bad interviewee today. I don't know why you wouldn't do some basic research on the domain topic before applying.

There was once a guy on the train to an interview for a job as a conductor who had decided to do his research on his way in, quizzing the conductor. He didn't get the job.

[Lewis]

Why was that seen as a bit too pro-active?

[Spikey M]

He should have sent a replacement bus driver.

[Waffdon]

There was once a guy on the train to an interview for a job as a conductor who had decided to do his research on his way in, quizzing the conductor. He didn't get the job.

What would you need to do research on?

[Lofty]

Why was that seen as a bit too pro-active?

Yes, the most proactive approach trying to find out answers that would score well in an interview from someone trying to sell hundreds of tickets on a busy commuter service, as well as operate the doors etc.

I'd reckon most current employees wouldn't know the top scoring interview answers without bothering to look them up. For instance knowing how many thousand services the company operates daily etc.

Never mind that they use the STAR interview format anyway so if you cant link all your answers to previous experience of a relevant situation you are doomed.

[AyDee]

Trying to attend an interview for a new job around your existing work/calendar (and that of your interviewer) is such a pain. Four rearrangements in one day and now postponed to Wednesday.

Changing jobs is too much hassle.

[Kikó]

Just remember to research what the job is first. I've got another one today, hopefully she's better than the last.

[SvN]

I've genuinely just given up with recruitment. We desperately need at least one person and I can't face any more interviews, so I've just put it on hold for a few weeks.

[Baz]

My new person started on Wednesday last week but IT didn’t have a laptop ready for her, and then I’ve been off this week, so she’s been getting paid for nothing. Start as you mean to go on. :cool:

[phonics]

Told you you should have hired me SvN.

[Jimmy Floyd]

When my sister worked in the Scottish government (which is basically Mordor) she did nothing for the first four months because no one could agree whose responsibility it was to provide her with a laptop.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Some of us went to the nearby Italian for lunch today, as we do usually once a month after payday. For what is a really decent bowl of pasta (shoutout Gregg Wallace) and a drink, it's about £16-18.

The Italian woman who works here stalked into the office after we came back - having emailed the whole team beforehand stating that she would not join us - and had a huge rant about how we must all be on massive salaries to be able to afford this luxury. Completely unhinged. If the Arab hadn't spent 10 minutes loudly complaining to the waiter that the onion in his bolognese had not 'melted' sufficiently for his tastes, it might have been the stupidest thing that happened in relation to the meal.

I don't know if it's the same at every workplace but round here you can't even go and have lunch without some stupid bollocks happening.

[Ian]

Well I've worked with sane people so can confirm it's certainly not the same everywhere.

[Lofty]

Massive salaries to afford a lunch that is slightly more than an hour of minimum wage work?

[Ian]

And also yes that's really not that much, surely especially in your neck of the woods that's positively bargainous?

[Don]

Just paid £18 for a steak sandwich. I'm with her.

[Spikey M]

I go to lunch once a year with my colleagues. This is the way.

[Baz]

My new person started on Wednesday last week but IT didn’t have a laptop ready for her, and then I’ve been off this week, so she’s been getting paid for nothing. Start as you mean to go on. :cool:

Oh no.


Thanks so much for this email, I am just reading through things and trying to get to grips with it all.

Yes, it was defiantly an interesting first week, I went into the office yesterday to meet everyone and managed to get my laptop today!

Defiantly.

[Lofty]

So much for your thorough vetting process.

[Mike]

Did ChatGTP not do a spelling test?

[Spikey M]

She spelt defiantly perfectly tbf.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Defiance is a great quality in an employee, particularly if Baz is their boss.

[Shindig]

If that email was in comic sans, sound the alarm.

[Adramelch]

Did ChatGTP not do a spelling test?

If anything it did it on purpose so that it can perfectly blend in with the majority of the population.

[Baz]

I think this might be the busiest week of my life. :thbdn:

[Jimmy Floyd]

The South Africans are here this week. I don't think there's anything more cringeworthy than when the chief South African comes into the office and attempts banter.

Gid mooooorning everyone!
*approaches the only woman in the office, who's wearing an orange cardigan*
Naaass to see someone bringing a bit of colour! Not laak all these boring borstards, eh?! *points at all the men*
*silence*

[Lofty]

Sounds very Partridge, does the Arab not engage?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab licks his shoes.

[Lofty]

Has Barney departed yet?

[Jimmy Floyd]

He's off next Wednesday. The boss is trying to recruit an 'organised older lady' to replace him. I'd kill myself if I heard that when leaving a job.

[Lofty]

Probably less prone to falls than the Barnster, to be fair.

[Offshore Toon]

My Saffa manager appears to genuinely be nice but it's so hard to believe that's possible. I've only met one before that appeared nice, but he was about 5 foot tall so I imagine he left the country before they caught on how short he was.

[randomlegend]

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x64bid6

[Baz]

I got sent an email by our big dog director saying Lisa from "regeneration" has informed her a pharmacy is closing due to them repurposing a load of buildings.

I emailed my contact at "medicines" asking 'omg WHEN?' cos 22 people use it for methadone, and she was like dunno lol ask Shaun in "regeneration."

I emailed Shaun but he is off, so his PA forwarded it to Lisa (the same one from the start), who replied to me saying 'thank you for informing the regeneration team.'

WHAT?!

Meanwhile 22 people can't get their medicine so might start taking street drugs again. Praise be.

[Spikey M]

Baz facilitating my News Thread predictions. Good lad. :cool:

[igor_balis]

My Saffa manager appears to genuinely be nice but it's so hard to believe that's possible. I've only met one before that appeared nice, but he was about 5 foot tall so I imagine he left the country before they caught on how short he was.

I worked with a genuinely very lovely and outgoing white South African about 7 years ago, really chatty and generous and all that shit. We had a work night out towards the end of the year or so I was there, and struggled to tell this anecdote to me and another colleague because he was laughing too much. When he finally managed to regain enough composure to finish, the basic punchline was that he got pissed, crashed his mum's car, then blamed it on one of the black domestic workers they had, and they got fired.

[Ben]

Institutional racism is a whole different ballpark over there.

I play cricket with a white South African and he said one of the best things about living in the UK is that you don't need ten foot walls around your house "to keep the blacks out".

I also work with an older white gadge whose family run a farm over there and by the sounds of it the black folk employed there are basically slaves, yet the white guys hate them and from what I can gather are hoping for a race war or something because they think if they don't shoot first, they will be wiped out in some sort of genocide. I don't know, the guy is pretty mental all round.

[Baz]

You do though.

[igor_balis]

Fucking love my new job.

[Kikó]

I'm at the end of a week in Berlin at the office. Had to give a mild dressing down to the guy in my team who also does the team days (also not based in Berlin) because he got absolutely blasted again and was completely hungover during the day. No issue with what you do in your own time but if we only get together as a team every 8 weeks and you're basically out of it during the day then it's pointless.

Also, we're doing a bring your kid to the office day this evening so the little one is with me. Looking forward to telling her this is all she has to look forward to when she's older.

[Baz]

Fucking love my new job.

What is it?

[Spikey M]

Also, we're doing a bring your kid to the office day this evening so the little one is with me. Looking forward to telling her this is all she has to look forward to when she's older.

My work tried to do this and they were lolled out of the room. They're enough of a pain in the arse when WFH during the holidays, we don't need the little darlings in the office.

[Shindig]

Work and kids do not mix.

[Boydy]

Also, we're doing a bring your kid to the office day this evening so the little one is with me. Looking forward to telling her this is all she has to look forward to when she's older.

Don't be silly, civilisation will have collapsed by then.

[Spikey M]

On that subject, I was reading about something called "The Fourth Turning" last night which is pretty interesting theory.

Also pretty scary if it turns out to be legit.

[Ben]

It’s pretty cool yeah. Think it was predicted to peak in 2020 (arguably not wrong) then culminate with some sort of economic restructuring later in the decade. Bring it on. :cool:

[Shindig]

Just means more people will chance their arm with state benefits. :cool: / :uhoh:

[Kikó]

Don't be silly, civilisation will have collapsed by then.

Actually true.

[niko_cee]

Without wanting to be too scathing, from initial investigation The Fourth Turning [or Strauss-Howe Generational Theory] sounds a bit like reversed engineered [or teleological] deterministic claptrap.

[Spikey M]

Without wanting to be too scathing, from initial investigation The Fourth Turning [or Strauss-Howe Generational Theory] sounds a bit like reversed engineered [or teleological] deterministic claptrap.

It may well be, but it's interesting and there does appear to be some logic to it. Time will tell.

[Baz]

So this new starter claims to be really academic (basically enjoys reading) yet yesterday said 'learning curb' out loud, and uses the wrong your/you're on Teams chat.

Also told me she's not interested in the admin side of things and wants to research the impact of social media on mental health. Err, do that in your own time, love; you're here to do my admin.

[Spikey M]

She included her pronouns in her CV, didn't she?

[Lofty]

Baz donned by his own underling.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Shouldn't have hired based on looks.

[Giggles]

Pink hair and a nose ring for sure.

[Baz]

Shouldn't have hired based on looks.

Absolutely didn’t. My pick was a very attractive non-Caucasian milf.

Who we ended up with is a really lovely person, just not a great fit so far. She has already paid her Christmas Do deposit though. :nod:

[Offshore Toon]

I'm at the end of a week in Berlin at the office. Had to give a mild dressing down to the guy in my team who also does the team days (also not based in Berlin) because he got absolutely blasted again and was completely hungover during the day. No issue with what you do in your own time but if we only get together as a team every 8 weeks and you're basically out of it during the day then it's pointless.
Don't be a jobsworth, Keeks. If you didn't want to work with people coming down/off their tits, you shouldn't have applied for Mr Manager in a job partly based in Berlin.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Barney's last day is tomorrow. He just sent a goodbye email to the whole company. Some excerpts:

Working with each one of you has been an amazing journey, filled with unforgettable experiences and friendships. I've learned so much from our collaboration, and I'll carry those lessons with me as I venture into a new career path as a Telecommunications Engineer – a complete change!

For any immediate needs or questions in my absence, please reach out to anyone in the sales team. They'll provide the same level of dedication and expertise you've come to expect.

Although I'll miss our day-to-day interactions, I'm excited about the adventures that lie ahead. I wish each of you ongoing success, both personally and professionally.

ChatGPT giving the true personal touch.

[Baz]

78.39% AI GPT

He wrote the part about reaching out, apparently.

[Lofty]

How long has he worked there?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Five years exactly.

[niko_cee]

The adventures that lie ahead?

Is he expecting some kind of Confessions of a Telecommunications Engineer life?

On that subject, what's happened to Magic?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

He died.

[phonics]

Baccine complications.

[Giggles]

Gubbed again.

[Mike]

I wish Barney every success in his new career.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He's finally gone now. Had the limpest handshake ever, and tried to take his company laptop with him on the way out. RIP.

In his card I wrote 'I will miss you to some extent'.

[SincereTheRebel]

Im looking at picking up some extra income, sitting at home on my laptop a few hours on the weekend. Other than pr0n. What options are there?

[Baz]

Im looking at picking up some extra income, sitting at home on my laptop a few hours on the weekend. Other than pr0n. What options are there?

Fraud.

[Ben]

In his card I wrote 'I will miss you to some extent'.

Jesus. :D

[randomlegend]

In his card I wrote 'I will miss you to some extent'.

:lol:

[phonics]

Things that definitely happened. Far too polite to actually do that.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He'll get the joke and laugh. Only that morning he was saying to someone else (in my earshot) how I'd never bother myself to have a drink with him outside work. The inferiority complex is real and he knows it.

[Spikey M]

I was going to say that's pretty standard leaving card bants. It is where I'm from, anyway. You cheeky Essex boy, Jimmy. Chino's, loafers and no socks. Meet you at 'spoons.

[Mike]

“I’ll miss you at first” is the go to.

[Spikey M]

I prefer "Who?"

[wullie]

I like a happy birthday or similar in there to let them know you care

[Shindig]

Mine's usually a variation on, "All the best."

[Jimmy Floyd]

We had loads of fun this morning. While Barney was here, four of us shared 25% each of the domestic sales commission pot, as we are the ones who handle those sales. Barney having departed, the sales manager pulled in the remaining three of us: me, Dave 1 and Dave 2. Dave 1 is a very solid geezer; Dave 2 is a bitch, and on this occasion was dialling in as he decided to work from home having had a 'rough night', something he does a lot. Anyway, the boss told us that we'll be going up to 33% each of the pot without Barney, but that we need to organise things so that at least two of us are always in the office, as one person dealing with all the phone traffic isn't fair on them. Dave 2 - as mentioned, from home - decided that this would be a good time to suggest that he handles more UK orders than the other two of us and therefore deserves more of the pot.

The lols were long and lustrous.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

It's great that you've already found a new Barney.

[Magic]

The adventures that lie ahead?

Is he expecting some kind of Confessions of a Telecommunications Engineer life?

On that subject, what's happened to Magic?

I've been busy trying to start my own business.

[Boydy]

I've been busy trying to start my own business.

What in?

[Magic]

What in?

An online one. It involves collecting data from users and selling it to business. The catch is the users have to put the data in themselves.

It's for specific groups and will be sold to a specific industry.

I've no coded my landing page to register interest and if I get enough I'll seek investment to build. Desperate to keep it out of the hands of VC though, I'd rather the investment came from affected communities.

[SvN]

How are you marketing your landing page?

[Magic]

How are you marketing your landing page?

I need to finish it first, then I'll be marketing it at the consumer users in the first instance as without them I'll have nothing to sell.

I'm doing validation in the meantime with the industry.

[Magic]

How are you marketing your landing page?

Socials, online communities, prominent influencers in said communities.

[Offshore Toon]

Post it here so we can provide valuable data.

[Raoul Duke]

Someone's gotta fill the void now that Brand is going to jail

[Lofty]

Gubbed 2: GDPR Boogaloo

[Magic]

The Baxxine Chronicles.

[Shindig]

She Turned the Bandwidth Against Me.

[Gray Fox]

My place last year changed their absence policy. Levels were through the roof so they made it a lot more horrid to combat it. I was on a written warning when they did this but was riding it out. Managed to get to just about a month before it expired when the chest problems I had in May-ish happened. The problem being is that they give absolutely zero fucks why you are off(unless it's a childcare emergency). You were not at work for any reason and it's an absence. If you're already on a warning and have a single further occasion of absence for whatever reason, you're in for disciplinary action again and onto the next highest warning.

Well despite having been signed off by my GP for the May incident, I was pushed to a final warning, which I appealed and was still upheld. Cut to August and I felt shit again so visited the doctor, who has started monitoring my blood pressure etc, but told me I was best to take my self-cert days and go back to work. While I was off I tried to help out at home and almost immediately pulled a muscle in the bottom of my back. Probably manageable if I had an office job, but I do not, so my GP signed me off and I was off for near a month.

That's lead to today being up for dismissal. Leaving the place would be strange after 8 years, but it's not that, that would overly bother me. It's the potential for a lot of bad conversations with the Universal Credit people that will come next that does. They expect I think 30 hours of work(or a total income of just over £1000 between you) per month to be happy to leave you to it.

My Mrs is a teaching assistant and as such doesn't get pay in August because the schools aren't open. As soon as she didn't get paid as expected in August they were demanding to know why and what she was doing to find a job to pick the extra back up. That's one thing, but if they decide to they can start withholding money and include sanctions once they find out I was fired.

So in short, if I'm fired I could be very screwed.

[Offshore Toon]

#SweatshopDiaries

[Don]

Those health problems sound stress related. Take it as a blessing and get yourself a fresh start at a better place. Is the money outstanding or can you just get a shop/delivery job and be okay?

[Spikey M]

This is one of the jobs the boomers would say "we av all these fackin imagrants bcoz inglish peepol don't want the ard jobs" about.

And rightly so. Fucking leave, lad.

[Serj]

I have absolutely no clue about employee protection laws in the UK, but is it not illegal to count sick leave as absence that can lead to disciplinary action/dismissal?

[Spikey M]

If it is it's news to me.

[Serj]

Well that's depressing.

[Lofty]

Not sure if this is a only the Barrow site but worth looking for jobs at BAE systems if there is a site within commuting distance, even via an agency (the way a lot get started). Due to AUKUS being the new government brown envelope factory the money taps are very much turned on right now, to the point in Barrow there is a massive shortage of teachers because why bother with that shit when BAE are paying their cleaners £20 an hour standard and £50 and hour weekend rates?

[Spikey M]

I think there is some protection for people with long term illness. But people going off for 17 colds a year? No chance.

[Ian]

I've worked places which count it but I think where I'd worked tended to ignore cases where there was a line from the GP. Might be wrong though.

[Shindig]

We've had people on long-term sick for three years. :| I'm assuming they're employed in name only as their pay diminishes the longer they're off.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Based on our warehouse, I would say 'fake' sick leave is far more common than actual sick leave, probably by 3 or 4 to 1. You have to have a pretty robust policy on it.

[Spikey M]

The problem is that people with doctors notes / long term illness are often full of shit too.

[Lofty]

That have a system on the railway however it is easily gamed by the professional malingerers, to the point there is/was a rule about instances of sickness per 13 week period and when dragged into a sickness meeting the malingerer in question's defence was to produce his work diary in which had handily noted all the 13 week blocks for the calendar year :D

[Shindig]

You would think hybrid working might alleviate some of it. Those two on long-term sick for us have been off since before the pandemic started. Surely you can work a keyboard from home?

[Jimmy Floyd]

At what point does long term sick become dead?

[Spikey M]

Not quick enough /Tory

[Gray Fox]

Dodged the bullet. Though was told almost as bluntly as the guy could that next time I'm off will likely be that.

[Mike]

Get looking for something else.

[Baz]

Or start going.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Call in sick on Monday.

[Giggles]

Can you not just do the mental health scam?

[Baz]

There’s a lad in my team who I’ve never seen at work, but comes to every social event. He’s German but sounds Irish and basically if something involves drinking, he’ll come.

Some other bloke who’s got sacked secondment wasn’t made permanent (basically unheard of but politics) has suggested a LADS ONLY night out in November, cos the women were responsible for him leaving, and while discussion is ongoing whether to stay local or branch out to Liverpool, German boyo weighs in with “I’m game either way :cool:”

I’d suggest we became actual friends but he has a ponytail and wears a cap.

I don’t even know what his job is.

[niko_cee]

70s pornstar by the sounds of it.

[igor_balis]

What is it?

Call centre work, dealing with broken down lorries. Drivers/transport managers phone in to say a lorry is broken down, we take the details, and arrange with their base dealership for guarantee of payment, arrange a local company to come and fix it, and do all sorts of follow-ups and all that. Sounds well boring but it's quality, but I think it does suit me - my deranged sleeping patterns and lack of family life means I actually prefer the shifts I tend to do (mostly 2pm-10pmish, with a week of nights every month or so which is 10pm-6am), and my love of idle small talk means I actually enjoy the #banter with the mechanics and truckers. The money is amazing for how easy the job is as well - I'm on 30k, which is actually more than I was on in the really demanding and annoying charity fundraising jobs I was doing previously.

Probably a lot of peoples' idea of hell but it's wicked.

[Lewis]

'Woah what's that mate? Is that your wallet on a chain? Can't be too careful can you mate.'
'yeah i know it keeps it safe'
*pissing themselves when he leaves*

[Jimmy Floyd]

Me and the boss landed in Warsaw earlier. Already by that point we had eaten at the 'Caviar Club' or something in terminal 5 after he failed to blag his way into the Qatar Airways lounge (we weren't flying with Qatar Airways). We got the hire car which is a Renault Megane. He asked for a diesel but apparently there are no diesel cars in Poland. He drove us to the hotel because he knew the way. He knew the way so well that fifteen minutes later we were driving down a bicycle lane, then the wrong way up a one-way street and being screamed at by horrified pedestrians. We parked up and a group of taxi drivers asked him what he thought he was doing. He said 'me foreign, yes?' about six times and then refused to pay for parking.

Eventually we got in and I told him we're eating in the hotel, as I couldn't face any more stress. He had a whisky sour and I had a beer. Looking at the menu, he asked me what pierogi are. I told him they are dumplings but he didn't believe me (they are dumplings). He asked the waitress how many were in the serving. She said eight and he said oh, no, that's not enough for an evening meal. He then ordered a fried fish pizza with a side of chips. He ate half the pizza and didn't touch the chips, which were 'surplus to requirements'. I had pasta. I paid. He spent the meal telling me old stories including typical boss phrases like 'Lebanese gold', 'slice of the cake' and his seminal catchphrase 'better than a wet fucking fish in a kitchen sink'.

Tomorrow, after paying the parking fine, we've got three customers to see.

[Lofty]

Did you tell your neighbour you're away?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Try some flaki if you can find it, will change your life.

[Shindig]

Do the bosses spend big on food because there's a budget they need to use up?

[Lewis]

I was away with work all week, and, whilst using the £22.50 evening meal allowance is easy enough, getting the most out of the tenner during the day is actually a bit of a struggle when you've already done the hotel breakfast in.

[Spikey M]

The best part of working overtime is being able to get abused outside of 9-5.

It's currently 08:46 on a Monday morning and I've already been called racist by a Muslim man with rent arrears. Apparently he can't be in debt, it's against his faith and we need to get rid of it. He didn't appreciate me suggesting that his religious requirement to remain debt free was his responsibility.

I'm such a filthy gammon.

[Spikey M]

Thinking back, I don't think that's even the first time I've had that argument. Mental.

[Shindig]

In Islam, debt in itself is allowed.

Google 1-0 Allah.


However, taking debt is not encouraged and there is a firm warning on people who do not pay their debts.

Google 8-0 Allah

[Spikey M]

I'm calling him back. LET'S FUCKING GO.

[Ian]

Well I'm just going to assume Spikey is dead now.

RIP., you racist piece of shit.

[Shindig]

Fatwa'd.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

He won't be missed.

[Shindig]

Dipped into my work emails to find out I've got a new employer next year. :moop:

[Lewis]

Fatwa'd.

Easiest beheading ever.

[Baz]

I’ve started adding work people on Facebook under the guise that I add everyone, and can safely add the fit ones.

Works well cos I don’t use it, so don’t mind having boring Joan from finance on there.

[Offshore Toon]

Wonder what Mert's up to.

[Dark Soldier]

Wonder what Mert's up to.

I still have his work email but THE GROUP told me not to email years back.

Apparently he's married, loves wine and wanks off to the Turkish league.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had to eat about 2kg of pork and down about 2 litres of vodka tonight. Terrible times. The Poles are animals. They can put roasted meat away like it's water.

[Dark Soldier]

That's just most East Europeans lad. When I first visited Romania I was presented with mounds upon mounds of pork, ram and meatballs and they just smashed that shit down like it was air.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Meat :drool:

I found a restaurant once in Croatia which had no menu. They just asked how many grams of (spit roasted) pork you wanted. It was banging.

[phonics]

I had to eat about 2kg of pork and down about 2 litres of vodka tonight. Terrible times. The Poles are animals. They can put roasted meat away like it's water.

You drank 3 bottles of vodka to yourself?

[randomlegend]

I'd imagine the "about" and general context clues would suggest he was utilising a technique called "exaggeration for effect" or "hyperbole".

[niko_cee]

Also minus one point for thinking a bottle of vodka should [presumably] be weighing in at 750ml.

[phonics]

Also minus one point for thinking a bottle of vodka should [presumably] be weighing in at 750ml.

If youre at a polish place that's serving by the bottle they would.


I'd imagine the "about" and general context clues would suggest he was utilising a technique called "exaggeration for effect" or "hyperbole".

Sure, where would hyperbole stop being so because Jimmy's current calculation while spelling perfectly is 48 shots of vodka.

[Luca]

I met Mert for a drink when I was in DC for work last year. He’s a lawyer, he’s married, and he’s honestly pretty lovely/normal in person.

All is well with the universe.

[Luca]

I also put down 3 negronis, and then went for a 10 course dinner + pairings afterwards, so my recollection might not be perfect…

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had six shots of vodka which is not 2 litres. I apologise for having confused phonics and promise only to use exact measurements in future.

[Baz]

I await the ‘bro I’ll be in St Helens next week if you wanna meet up’ PM.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Up in Solec Kujawski today, real prostitute murder country and there are plenty of potential victims loitering along the road should such a murderer arrive in town. We're so far out of the way that the truck company we visited had its own hotel and adjoining restaurant. The boss sensibly ordered halibut, and now wonders why his stomach is aching. I went for tomato pasta, which even these lads can't fuck up.

Have to credit Poland though, unlike anywhere in western Europe that I can think of it's a country visibly moving in the right direction.

[Serj]

If you have the chance (though I'm guessing you won't? Maybe you can squeeze a dinner in there or something), go visit Torun. Very impressive old town.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Torun is lovely.

[Bernanke]

I have a job interview on Monday for what is essentially my dream role for where I'm at in my career, but it's in Paris, and I am seriously skeptical of moving to a place filled with Parisians... :moop:

[Shindig]

What if you commuted in from <looks at Google Maps> Noisy-le-sec?

[SvN]

What if you commuted in from <looks at Google Maps> Noisy-le-sec?

The first image when you google it makes it look like a northern council estate :D

https://i.imgur.com/0ZsmId6.png

[Shindig]

Purely by chance, I swear. :D

[Bernanke]

The first image when you google it makes it look like a northern council estate :D

https://i.imgur.com/0ZsmId6.png

This looks like every Paris "view", just that usually you have something in the far distance that makes it so the landlord can say "with a view of the Eiffel tower".

[Adramelch]

It depends on where exactly in Paris your office would be. The people weren't as bad as I expected/was told, but then again I was only there for a year and it coincided with Covid so maybe I was spared from the full Parisien effect.

[Bernanke]

Dead center, near Opera metro. I think I would only want to live on the left bank though, maybe all the way down towards 13th.

[Adramelch]

I lived in L'Hay-les-Roses (southern suburb) and it was great but it was not very well connected in terms of public transport (substantially cheaper rent though, and it was closer to my research center anyway).

[Jimmy Floyd]

Another boss-related disaster today. Starting out in Warsaw at 8am, I put the address of the next customer into the satnav, it was in Poznan (in the west of Poland). Boss said no, that's wrong, they're in Katowice (in the south). I argued, he said no, it's a suburb which has the same name but they're actually in Katowice, I've visited them before. I said but look at the postcode on his email signature, it matches the one in Poznan. He said no, believe me, he picked me up from Katowice airport last time. I said fine, have it your way.

Long story short, they are indeed in Poznan and we're now in Katowice.

[Serj]

:D So much for stopping in Torun then.

Ah well, you can go visit some silver mines instead, I guess. Or, more likely, just drive him back while he refuses to acknowledge he even made a mistake in the first place.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Another boss-related disaster today. Starting out in Warsaw at 8am, I put the address of the next customer into the satnav, it was in Poznan (in the west of Poland). Boss said no, that's wrong, they're in Katowice (in the south). I argued, he said no, it's a suburb which has the same name but they're actually in Katowice, I've visited them before. I said but look at the postcode on his email signature, it matches the one in Poznan. He said no, believe me, he picked me up from Katowice airport last time. I said fine, have it your way.

Long story short, they are indeed in Poznan and we're now in Katowice.

:D

Will you be driving to Poznan now or is that customer now done with?

[Jimmy Floyd]

No, we've had to rack him off and going to see a much smaller fish in Czestochowa instead.

I really like this country, the one thing that counts against it is the impenetrable language. I speak 4+ languages to some extent but I can't get this out of my mouth at all. Even the word for thank you is impossible to say.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Religious freak central in Czestochowa.

[Bernanke]

No, we've had to rack him off and going to see a much smaller fish in Czestochowa instead.

I really like this country, the one thing that counts against it is the impenetrable language. I speak 4+ languages to some extent but I can't get this out of my mouth at all. Even the word for thank you is impossible to say.

'Kurwa' is easy enough.

[Boydy]

It depends on where exactly in Paris your office would be. The people weren't as bad as I expected/was told, but then again I was only there for a year and it coincided with Covid so maybe I was spared from the full Parisien effect.


I have a job interview on Monday for what is essentially my dream role for where I'm at in my career, but it's in Paris, and I am seriously skeptical of moving to a place filled with Parisians... :moop:
What's so bad about Parisians?

This question is not open to any of you English lot cause you're all weird as fuck about the French.

[Spikey M]

What's so bad about Parisians?

This question is not open to any of you English lot cause you're all weird as fuck about the French.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewbender/2012/04/03/the-worlds-rudest-nations-for-travelers/

[Adramelch]

What's so bad about Parisians?

This question is not open to any of you English lot cause you're all weird as fuck about the French.

The general consensus seems to be that the French will just refuse to speak English to you no matter what (which I don't even personally mind to be honest) and just generally look down on people who don't speak French and that Paris is the worst at that. That wasn't as much my experience. Even people that didn't speak English, tried to use the 5-10 words they did know in an effort to communicate with me.

On the topic of them speaking English: My default response when someone doesn't speak Greek will be to switch to English. I think that's not their default reaction and it might come across as them not wanting to speak English. I had multiple encounters, where young people tried to ask me for directions in French, I replied "Je ne parle pas français" and then we either moved on or tried to communicate with hand signals and stuff. Since they were young (one specific occasion was a 20-25something girl asking me directions for a student dorm), I doubt none of them spoke English. I didn't ask if they spoke English because for me it was a given that they would switch to it since I said I don't speak French, but I think that's just not the case.

[Baz]

https://img.gifglobe.com/grabs/inbetweeners/S02E03/S02E03-BPtgUyCd-thumb.jpg

[Ben]

On the topic of them speaking English: My default response when someone doesn't speak Greek will be to switch to English. I think that's not their default reaction and it might come across as them not wanting to speak English. I had multiple encounters, where young people tried to ask me for directions in French, I replied "Je ne parle pas français" and then we either moved on or tried to communicate with hand signals and stuff. Since they were young (one specific occasion was a 20-25something girl asking me directions for a student dorm), I doubt none of them spoke English. I didn't ask if they spoke English because for me it was a given that they would switch to it since I said I don't speak French, but I think that's just not the case.

Pretty much spot on in my experience. I've had the same feeling in rural France as well as Paris, so I don't think Parisians deserve a bad reputation on this point. Although Paris itself is just wank in my experience, so there's that.

Contrast that with Germany for example, who default to English as soon as they discover you're British, even if your German is better than their English (although not normally, they're usually very good). It's just in their nature to be accommodating, whereas French isn't so much (rather like us, then).

[Ian]

Another boss-related disaster today. Starting out in Warsaw at 8am, I put the address of the next customer into the satnav, it was in Poznan (in the west of Poland). Boss said no, that's wrong, they're in Katowice (in the south). I argued, he said no, it's a suburb which has the same name but they're actually in Katowice, I've visited them before. I said but look at the postcode on his email signature, it matches the one in Poznan. He said no, believe me, he picked me up from Katowice airport last time. I said fine, have it your way.

Long story short, they are indeed in Poznan and we're now in Katowice.

Is being this sort of person a requisite for making it in that job / industry or does being in the job / industry just turn you into that sort of person?

[Lofty]

Pretty much spot on in my experience. I've had the same feeling in rural France as well as Paris, so I don't think Parisians deserve a bad reputation on this point. Although Paris itself is just wank in my experience, so there's that.

Contrast that with Germany for example, who default to English as soon as they discover you're British, even if your German is better than their English (although not normally, they're usually very good). It's just in their nature to be accommodating, whereas French isn't so much (rather like us, then).

The French have a real bugbear about what they percieve to be the anglican dominance of western culture in general and I can't blame them really as I can imagine it being like Brexit on steroids here if the reverse was true.

[Adramelch]

The one thing that really baffles me in all of the big European countries is how they can stand watching everything dubbed. In all of Barcelona there was a total of 2 cinemas that played the original versions of movies with Spanish subtitles. Everything else was dubbed.

[Lewis]

What's so bad about Parisians?

This question is not open to any of you English lot cause you're all weird as fuck about the French.

He means 'Parisians'. Not Parisians.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Parisians are just curt, same as the inhabitants of any mega-city. France is basically a mirror image of England, and Paris is basically like London.

And you should all just learn French.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is being this sort of person a requisite for making it in that job / industry or does being in the job / industry just turn you into that sort of person?

He (and several of the other regional managers, from what I've seen) seems to thrive on a high-stress existence. If things are calm and running smoothly, he becomes very uneasy (often visibly so) and feels the need to change things or shake the jar to unsteady them again. I am the complete opposite, and spend my life trying to eliminate all stress. As such we actually work very well together but honestly who knows if I'll be able to bring my personality into his job, if/when I get it. Hopefully I will.

[Giggles]

What's the best of the numerous services for learning some basics in a language? And by that I don't mean "maan you got to move and immerse yourself in it". I'm a grown adult with responsibilities.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I reckon Duolingo, whilst annoying as fuck for those around you, isn't bad at the job.

[Boydy]

Duo Lingo's decent but I find it really bad for teaching grammar. It's never explicit about it so you're meant to just sort of pick it up as you go but my brain likes rules I can learn.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I agree with Boyd.

I've tried upping my Polish to a better level but it's so hard because I struggle with grammar. In particular choosing the right endings to words (there are 7 cases in Polish so it's a minefield), Duolingo never tells me why X is right as opposed to Y, it just tells me I'm wrong.

[Baz]

Unless you’re gonna benefit financially, there’s no reason to learn a language.

[Adramelch]

Yeah, I don't know that I would learn one for fun, but they are one of the most marketable skills.

[Kikó]

Idiot comment. Baz

I'm using duo with German and it's massively improved my vocab and can handle basics. I do need to top it up with some actual lessons and grammar books but no time etc.

[Bernanke]

Parisians are just curt, same as the inhabitants of any mega-city. France is basically a mirror image of England, and Paris is basically like London.

And you should all just learn French.

My French was actually not bad when I lived in Nice back in 2011, so should be able to pick that up fairly quick.

[Giggles]

Unless you’re gonna benefit financially, there’s no reason to learn a language.

It would be a big help for work.

[Giggles]

I reckon Duolingo, whilst annoying as fuck for those around you, isn't bad at the job.

Is it something that would work while driving or do you need visuals?

[Boydy]

If you want something to listen to while driving, get the Michel Thomas stuff. You can get the recordings on various piracy sites instead of paying for the very expensive course but they're good.

You need to be able to use your phone for Duolingo.

[Giggles]

Nice one. Maybe a combo of the two would be good.

[Ben]

It would be a big help for work.

Everywhere apart from here and US/Canada. I regularly go to Vienna, Cologne and Stuttgart for work and the only time I need to speak German is when asking for the bill in a restaurant. Everyone reverts to English as soon as they know one is about.

But anyway, I agree, it’s always good to learn another language.

[Giggles]

I find the accommodating varies a lot depending on where in Germany you are.

[Adramelch]

Even if it's not necessary because they speak English, speaking someone's native language still makes things better. A bit of an extreme example, but whenever I was living in Barcelona, everytime I said a couple words in Catalan (the very basics like good morning) in any kind of business setting, their demeanor instantly shifted.

[wullie]

I don't know what the other Duolingo languages are like for phrases but it feels like whoever is making the Italian lessons has issues when you have to translate lines like "she does not miss her grandchildren"

[Jimmy Floyd]

I find the accommodating varies a lot depending on where in Germany you are.

Yep, and who you're talking to. English is obviously the language of the corporate world, but for random interactions in different places, and just for reading signs and so on, it's really useful to have at least a basic knowledge.

Plus in my line of work we're often dealing with shabby bastards who are about as corporate as my belly button fluff.

[Serj]

What's the best of the numerous services for learning some basics in a language? And by that I don't mean "maan you got to move and immerse yourself in it". I'm a grown adult with responsibilities.

As others have said, if you can combine Duolingo with some grammar lessons from elsewhere, that should give you a good foundation.

I learned Dutch mostly from Duolingo and asking my Dutch ex's family to just stop speaking English/German during visits to the Netherlands. Now I'm mostly fluent conversationally but somewhat wonky grammar-wise. Though I guess the German->Dutch jump is an outlier since the two are extremely similar.

[Ben]

Depends what you want out of the language in terms of grammar I guess? I work for a German company so on the rare occasions my written/spoken German is called upon, it's in a professional setting so my grammar has to be somewhat decent. But if you just want to get by then does grammar matter that much? They'd still know what I'm getting at even if it sounds weird. For mental grammar languages like Russian, it's probably not worth all the extra hours learning if your goal is just to converse.

[Giggles]

The Germans I deal with have shit English grammar anyway, but can all carry a basic conversation and you know what they mean. That's all I'd really need the other direction.

[Serj]

Then Duolingo and maybe some occasional reading/watching of not-too-complex German media with subtitles should get you there. Also after you've picked up some basic phrases, ask one of them to point out your most egregious mistakes early on before they become a habit. Germans are much more diffident and less willing to do that than the French or the Dutch in my experience, but it really helps.