The All New Jobs Thread

[Don]

You're a fucking waste of space if you're not doing silent letters and announcing yourself as a banter king.

[igor_balis]

I found it a lot easier to understand Romanian lorry drivers who phoned up and announced everything with phonetic alphabet than old twats who'd reel out their address, name and account numbers in about 5 seconds like Krusty recording the audio for his toy in the malibu stacey episode.

My favourite (probably apocryphal) thick person story along those lines is that Jonathan Greening, while WBA were on preseason in Portugal, said something like "wow it's fucking hot here lads, do they have a different Sun here?". And the McAteer pizza one.

[igor_balis]

IRL i am constantly surprised by sort of...low level ignorance from seemingly intelligent people. One of my colleagues is a lovely lad in his early 30s, articulate and nerdy, almost posh sounding, but has some pretty glaring gaps. When we were doing a random pub quiz thing, he reckoned the closest body of water to Ukraine was the Indian Ocean, and thought Carlisle was the most southerly English city out of that, Leeds and Sheffield. Like, it's fine, some people are bad on certain things (i'd be unable to identify even the most famous actors and actresses by photos except literal Tom Cruise level people), but it just seems weird to me.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I often think this and then I think back to the time when I said that knowing which celebs are married to which is a waste of time, and a mate's missus snapped at me because, to her, that is far more worthwhile/important information than anything I know, and she couldn't understand how I could think or say otherwise.

I say this weekly, but people don't read text anymore, and it's a huge problem.

[Don]

I'd be guilty of both of those gaps in knowledge Igor describes. Knowledge is a worthless and soon to be redundant concept when used to describe facts of such a nature, I'd respect a person for demonstrating such gaps if it's accompanied by intelligence but, obviously, it rarely is.

[igor_balis]

I often think this and then I think back to the time when I said that knowing which celebs are married to which is a waste of time, and a mate's missus snapped at me because, to her, that is far more worthwhile/important information than anything I know, and she couldn't understand how I could think or say otherwise.

I say this weekly, but people don't read text anymore, and it's a huge problem.

It's probably my tv quiz show addled brain, but I'm very much of the no knowledge is pointless knowledge mentality. The same colleague I mentioned sorta scoffed and rolled his eyes when i correctly identified a fucking backstreet boys song or something, but as I said to him it ain't like my brain is close to capacity. Knowing that hasn't meant I had to delete something more useful. And again, with my super nerdy group of mates, having people who know all the I'm a Celeb winners is gold dust for the pub quizzes. Paxman taking the piss out of people on uni challenge for knowing the answers when computer games etc come up annoys me too, like, knowing latin and being able to identify a Dvorak piece is hardly USEFUL either.

[Boydy]

It's useful in the sense an old school tie is useful.

[Spikey M]

I found it a lot easier to understand Romanian lorry drivers who phoned up and announced everything with phonetic alphabet than old twats who'd reel out their address, name and account numbers in about 5 seconds like Krusty recording the audio for his toy in the malibu stacey episode.

My favourite (probably apocryphal) thick person story along those lines is that Jonathan Greening, while WBA were on preseason in Portugal, said something like "wow it's fucking hot here lads, do they have a different Sun here?". And the McAteer pizza one.

I once spent about 2 hours (it was probably about 20 minutes) on the phone to a Romanian trying to establish a way of her emailing a document over. She couldn't understand me when I gave our unnecessarily long email address ("longdepartmentname"@hmcts.gsi.gov.uk) and my attempts to send her an email to reply to eventually fell apart at "e with monkey tail".

She meant a with monkeys tail. @. She meant @.

This came amongst "I for apple" and "errr C for, what you call garach in England again?".

[Manc]

:D

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I once spent about 2 hours (it was probably about 20 minutes) on the phone to a Romanian trying to establish a way of her emailing a document over. She couldn't understand me when I gave our unnecessarily long email address ("longdepartmentname"@hmcts.gsi.gov.uk) and my attempts to send her an email to reply to eventually fell apart at "e with monkey tail".

She meant a with monkeys tail. @. She meant @.

This came amongst "I for apple" and "errr C for, what you call garach in England again?".

In Poland they call it "Małpa" which means monkey and I imagine it's the same/similar in Romanian.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Arobase in French and some absolute mouthful like algarroba in Spanish. This is why we run the world and they sit in donkey sheds licking mustard seeds out of the jar.

[Pepe]

It is just arroba.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Which is about 8 syllables once you've finished with the rr. In English we're shaking hands on the deal by then.

Algarroba must be something else, probably from a menu or a part of an engine.

[Baz]

One of the big bosses sends out video updates, rather than just writing it down, even though she's clearly sat there reading it off Word. Some people seem to prefer it.

Today's email with the video link starts with
If you can grab a minute or two, I would be grateful if you could the time to watch my latest video
but it's an 11 minute video. :cab:

[Kikó]

Sama shared a voice note from his call centre work on THE GROUP and one woman who called in had a go at phonetics.

"BJ for like blowjob" and the all time classic "N for like..."

[Offshore Toon]

One of the big bosses sends out video updates, rather than just writing it down, even though she's clearly sat there reading it off Word. Some people seem to prefer it.

Today's email with the video link starts with
but it's an 11 minute video. :cab:
We had a reshuffle at board level recently and they sent out a 'meet the new faces' video which was 25 minutes long. As if.

[Manc]

Not a soul in work today.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Boss just had 14 people squeezed into his office for some kind of meeting. Absolutely loving it.

[Spikey M]

Is he vaccinated Jim? Or are self-made men already immune to Cuckvid19?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Him and the MD are both double-vaxed so it's crack on for us all now.

[Spikey M]

That's the main thing. The plebs are replaceable.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I return from the bank holiday to find that one of my team members - who had mysteriously booked Thursday off at 4.55pm on Weds without telling anyone why - now 'won't be in all week' for undisclosed reasons. His family are all dead already, so it can't be that.

Still, nice to be able to do all his work for a while (again).

[Baz]

Every year I dread the end of the financial year, and every year it seems to drag on longer and longer. We’re 6 days into 21/22 and I’ve still not even been asked for the 20/21 end of year outstanding payment list. :moop:

[Baz]

Motivation is non-existent today.

[igor_balis]

Lolz got a text and then frantic phone call from my manager asking me if I could cover lunches at 1 today. Had to apologise and say I couldnt...on account of me leaving the company 6 months ago. Idiot.

[Spikey M]

And that's why you didn't get that bonus.

[Raoul Duke]

The correct answer would have been "yes, certainly" and then when they go mental asking you where you are when you don't show up, ask them for your bonus payment

[Spikey M]

My Mrs is currently having her hair cut (yeah I know, fuck the Po-lease) by the daughter of someone she works with. Turns out it's someone we evicted in 2019.

She's showing no signs of recognising me, but if my wife ends up with a bowl cut I guess we'll know why.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Everyone I know is having a haircut today. If you're going to break the rules now why not break them ages ago?

Pity as I quite like a lot of lockdown hairdos. Jealousy, I think.

[Shindig]

I had mine done a fortnight ago. :D

[Baz]

I applied for a job on Friday. Working in the same team but higher up and doing something different. Thinking about it though, I don’t really want it. It’s a massive pay rise but would be more work and, the key factor, loads of ballache if I chose to do anything other than continue everything as it is (which is rubbish).

Like, the job could be done so much better than it currently is but, now that I work from home, I can’t be arsed being the person who does it.

I’ll act pissed off when they overlook me for someone else, but I already told my line manager (who advised me to apply and sent me the previous interview questions) that I won’t be arsed if someone else is chosen.

There’s another job advertised too, which is actually much more up my street (data and analysis nerd, checking in) but it’s for the same pay and I definitely can’t be bothered switching to a different job if I’m not getting paid any extra for the hassle.

I’ll just try and stick to what I’m doing for as long as they’ll let me, I guess.

[Shindig]

I'm happy to coast this job til they kick me out. I think we've picked up enough little jobs that keep everyone looking (as opposed to being) busy.

[Spikey M]

Everyone I know is having a haircut today. If you're going to break the rules now why not break them ages ago?

Pity as I quite like a lot of lockdown hairdos. Jealousy, I think.

For us it was just that my wife was asking around and everywhere is booked up for weeks, then her mate said her daughter normally works at Toni & Guy and would be happy to do it round ours for the sake of a couple of days.

[Shindig]

You can't really knock the offer back when they know where you live. That's how mine got sorted. :D

[Baz]

For us it was just that my wife was asking around and everywhere is booked up for weeks, then her mate said her daughter normally works at Toni & Guy and would be happy to do it round ours for the sake of a couple of days.

She fit? Toni & Guy seems to have a fitties or slags only rule.

[Spikey M]

She fit? Toni & Guy seems to have a fitties or slags only rule.

She must be the exception that proves the rule.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I return from the bank holiday to find that one of my team members - who had mysteriously booked Thursday off at 4.55pm on Weds without telling anyone why - now 'won't be in all week' for undisclosed reasons. His family are all dead already, so it can't be that.

Still, nice to be able to do all his work for a while (again).

Supposed to be back today, and isn't, so I'm still doing all his work for unknown reasons. Loving life.

Why are people such a mess?

[Manc]

More to the point, why do people not care? I'm fascinated by the mindset.

[Offshore Toon]

After doing about two hours work over three weeks, I've been asked to stay on for another month to do different project. Nah. Am oot. Genuinely thought I could hack corporate bollocks again when I moved back here but I can't.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Supposed to be back today, and isn't, so I'm still doing all his work for unknown reasons. Loving life.

Why are people such a mess?

Using my web of dark arts I have found out what all this is about. Two weeks ago his missus dumped him on the day of his nan's funeral (he also has a kid with another woman), he's been chucked out and moved into some bedsit in Ashford (a fate worse than death), and his doctor signed him off for a week with depression. However, when he rang the boss to explain this, the boss said no, if you're depressed you need to be out and about and back to work (a sound and enlightened medical opinion if ever there was one). Somehow he ended up taking last week as 4 days' holiday, then this week has taken his 3 days sick for the year and beyond that will be put on SSP (!)

Meanwhile I'm just sitting here having zero drama in my pretty boring life and thinking how lucky I am to be dull.

[Offshore Toon]

My old housemate worked with a guy who found out his wife was pregnant with another man's child, went out to drown his sorrows, got into a fight with some random guy then the police found three baggies of coke on him and he got processed as a dealer meaning he lost his job (but I think the popo went quite easy on him). Always make good decisions, people.

[Offshore Toon]

After doing about two hours work over three weeks, I've been asked to stay on for another month to do different project. Nah. Am oot. Genuinely thought I could hack corporate bollocks again when I moved back here but I can't.
After sending a letter yesterday evening confirming my "sabbatical", I've been asked this afternoon by my company if I would be happy to stay on client-side for another week back in the office. Most clients these days seem to extend contracts anywhere between 1-5 days of them expiring, so this clambering is the behaviour of a business that knows they fucked up. They've had weeks to hold these discussions and yet they leave it till two days before I'm off.

What's the work-friendly equivalent of 'suck your mum'?

[Shindig]

It's that but with "Kind regards." at the end.

[Baz]

Waiting to hear from someone called Fizz how many hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of grant we’re getting. Good old Fizz.

https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/nintchdbpict0003651540841-e1509971283927.jpg

[Jimmy Floyd]

I received an order early this morning from someone called Lionel Bastard, and I haven't been able to do any serious work since.

[Ian]

That is incredible. Where was he from?

In my last job we had a case for a 'Marianna Cunto' once.

[Baz]

France, clearly.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Yes, he is a denizen of the land of cheese.

[Ian]

Wikipedia telling me there are more bastards (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bastard_(surname)) than I was aware of.

Big fan of E.W. Bastard.

[Kikó]

I've not been able to log in at all this morning. Useful.

[Manc]

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2021/apr/22/burnt-out-is-the-exhausting-cult-of-productivity-finally-over

[Don]

:nod:

[Baz]

Regardless of the sentiment, anyone calling themselves a fampany can gtfo.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've thought for a while that when Barry Musk or whoever comes out with statements about 4 zillion hours of hard work being required per week to change the world, it's all really a load of horse shit, for the following reasons:

1) most people don't want to change the world, they just want to put food on the table and enjoy life.
2) these people are bloodsuckers overpaid by a factor of thousands and to justify this - to the world and to themselves - they come up with this fictional narrative in which their wealth was earned because they worked hardest (the same applies to professional sportsmen, 100% of whom, whatever they tell you, reached the top because of natural talent, not hard work)
3) to maintain the status quo they need to keep people in their place, part of which is barking at them to work harder, like a 19th century mill owner

The less we listen to 'business leaders', the more wise we will become.

[Ian]

One of our senior management team actually just said 'without further adieu' on a company call. It's not often I encounter one of these outside the internet.

However it has helped me learn that things like this (tender hooks, peddle stool, etc.) are called eggcorns (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eggcorn), which pleases me.

[Lewis]

That article conflates hard work and productivity, which aren't the same thing, but probably seem like the same when you're struggling to write the same worthless article on different things every week.

[Shindig]

Word. My productivity's class because the majority of the office work slower than me. I work to their pace, not my own. :cool:

[igor_balis]

One of our senior management team actually just said 'without further adieu' on a company call. It's not often I encounter one of these outside the internet.

However it has helped me learn that things like this (tender hooks, peddle stool, etc.) are called eggcorns (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eggcorn), which pleases me.

fucking hell, i had the football manager message board equivalent of how you'll start getting facebook adverts relating to stuff you have been talking about at the pub

about 4 hours after you posted this, the IT guy started howling with laughter. when i asked him wtf he was laughing at he said "wait for my facebook post"

https://scontent-lcy1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/177203997_512500243118290_1826069841844787351_n.pn g?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=ae9488&_nc_ohc=CpNGidN-of4AX_12_er&_nc_ht=scontent-lcy1-1.xx&oh=f25b58132458d76c8f8899218e8c62d9&oe=60A6A476

for context, IT guy is a Polish guy my age (29) who moved to the UK at 16, and wasn't fluent until he was 19, and "JOHN L" is a 50 year old english man. excellent.

[Dquincy]

One of our senior management team actually just said 'without further adieu' on a company call. It's not often I encounter one of these outside the internet.

However it has helped me learn that things like this (tender hooks, peddle stool, etc.) are called eggcorns (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eggcorn), which pleases me.

Ffs.

[Lewis]

My work initially went to two/three days a week in January (by orders of the parent unit who apply their stupid rules to us), so I used some holidays and stayed home a bit longer, but then it just got closed properly in February and I've been sat off since. We were meant to be back in by now, but our section of the site has got some Legionella bacteria in its water, so that means another few weeks off. I have had seven of the past thirteen months off.

[Boydy]

That article conflates hard work and productivity, which aren't the same thing, but probably seem like the same when you're struggling to write the same worthless article on different things every week.


My work initially went to two/three days a week in January (by orders of the parent unit who apply their stupid rules to us), so I used some holidays and stayed home a bit longer, but then it just got closed properly in February and I've been sat off since. We were meant to be back in by now, but our section of the site has got some Legionella bacteria in its water, so that means another few weeks off. I have had seven of the past thirteen months off.

You know a lot about hard work then.

[Lewis]

My productivity proves the point.

[Luca]

Lewis, how do you reconcile being lazy government worker scum with your worldview? You must bowl around like Ron Swanson.

[Lewis]

I tell myself that I'm one of the actually important workers, and use all of my interactions with other areas/departments to reinforce it.

[Kikó]

1385590048700215298?s=24

This is great.

[Manc]

Amazing.

[Spikey M]

:D that's great

[Shindig]

Excellent. :D

[Lofty]

One of my colleagues has royally chimped out today, basically walking off the job (virtually) when it wasn't finished and due to be ready, then leaving both work related group chats. High level drama for a Tuesday.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

End of the line for him.

[Baz]

I got declined for an internal job because the person spec said a degree was essential, but chanced my arm anyway considering everyone knows I can definitely do the job, despite dropping out of university in 2005.

Didn't mind so much cos I knew this when applying. What does annoy me is they've just decided to not fill the post because nobody else applied. :moop:

[Don]

Should have just made up the degree.

[mo]

I got declined for an internal job because the person spec said a degree was essential, but chanced my arm anyway considering everyone knows I can definitely do the job, despite dropping out of university in 2005.

Didn't mind so much cos I knew this when applying. What does annoy me is they've just decided to not fill the post because nobody else applied. :moop:

This sort of thing pisses me off - what difference does having a degree make to actually carrying out the job? Why not just interview you and make a decision based on your (much more relevant) work history?

I've sort of had the opposite today - denied the opportunity to interview as I'm now too experienced and therefore more expensive as 'just' a classroom teacher. The only way out of my school now is promotion (something I've thus far failed to achieve)

[Lewis]

I didn't know they even advertised internal jobs without having already stitched the candidate[s] up. I wrote the interview questions for mine when we got upgraded.

[Spikey M]

Time has stopped moving.

[Raoul Duke]

Just came out of a three-hour workshop, so I feel your pain

[Shindig]

Thank fuck for a three-day weekend.

[Don]

I'm (in work related written correspondence, not here) increasingly starting to drop my use of contractions like someone's turned the dial up on my autism. It's subconscious and I'm yet to bottom out the full impact so stay tuned for more.

[igor_balis]

My current office had like ~75 people in a day pre-covid, now it's just the little team i'm in plus the odd handful of different randomers.

My boss is absolutely sound, and incredibly easy-going, but I'm starting to get quite annoyed by her fear of upper-management. Like, I'm not expecting some us-against-the-world shit, with her LAYING DOWN ULTIMATUMS to her bosses whenever they do anything that annoys us proles, but still.

Our team of 5 people has been split into two - me and the woman who mostly do one task have to sit at the far opposite end of the office to the other 3, apparently with the logic that if someone on one team got the vid, the other team wouldn't have to isolate. That's the logic of my manager's boss anyway. It's completely pointless cus after lunch time, the other woman on my team of 2 goes home and a woman in the team of 3 goes home, and i have to go and sit in the other bit for the second half of the day anyway with the remaining 2 people in the other team! We all have to intermingle constantly throughout the day anyway for various tasks so, clearly, if anyone got vid we're all fucking isolating, no questions.

This decision was made about a month ago, and it's massive pain in the arse cus the bit us two get banished to isn't cleared for taking sensitive info on the phone, so we can't take any calls, and half of our overall team's stuff is down there.

My boss made it sound like she'd pointed this out to HER boss, and her boss basically didn't get it/refused to listen. Today I pushed it a bit and actually asked "so, when you pointed this out, what did she say?" cus she's bit a bit evasive about it, and she blushed and said "well i haven't actually had a chance to...".

Like, what the fuck. I am not expecting her to make some crazy ultimatum about it if her boss doubles down, but it sounds like she's just gone "okay", and not even bothered to explain why it's stupid. The thing that makes it even more perplexing is that HER boss is really chilled out and sound as well, and has almost certainly made a genuine mistake in making this decision. I'm almost certain that if she came in tomorrow and i was like "don't you think it's a pointless having us split up cus blah blah blah" she'd just go "oh yeah, good point, fuck it then".

I don't get it, like there's being a bit in awe of your superiors and being scared of conflict, but this feels borderline deranged to me. I fear that if upper-management were like "yeah igor has to work sundays now" she'd just be like uhhh yeah sorry igor :/

[Don]

She sounds like one of those passive melts that's too afraid of confrontation and causing any kind of scene. Touch her up if you get any alone time.

[Shindig]

Aye, it takes a second to raise it in a meeting or whatever. If it goes nowhere, she's done her bit.

[igor_balis]

i'm sure it's no coincidence that she's also exactly the worst kind of work martyr who arrives an hour early and leaves an hour later and answers emails at the weekend despite being in some pointless 30k middle-management job supervising divs like me

[Shindig]

Frig that. We had a lass like that at our level once. She dropped a clanger then desperately tried to hang around the office whilst it was fixed. She did it enough to get warned about it. Just go home and survey the damage tomorrow.

[Spikey M]

There's a similar dynamic in my office. My manager always dresses up quarterly / end of year performance as a scary thing because she has to explain our performance to her managers manager.

This makes little sense, because the manager she reports this to is one of the nicest people you could meet and would almost certainly look for any reason to give people the benefit of the doubt.

In fact, we ended just shy of 1% off our team target (I beat my target because I am a hero) this year, and she gave us all a gift voucher and said it was a miraculous achievement considering everything that's happened over the last year.

So, either she's an absolute dragon once her office door snaps shut OR this is just the technique that ineffective low-level managers use to avoid having to justify their bull shit.

[Lewis]

Personable girlbosses running the show whilst their underlings vent on their little computer game forum.

[Spikey M]

The top, TOP boss is a geezer, so we're still keeping the feminist lobby out of the board room.

[Pepe]

Bitchboss or bossbitch?

[igor_balis]

There's a similar dynamic in my office. My manager always dresses up quarterly / end of year performance as a scary thing because she has to explain our performance to her managers manager.

This makes little sense, because the manager she reports this to is one of the nicest people you could meet and would almost certainly look for any reason to give people the benefit of the doubt.

In fact, we ended just shy of 1% off our team target (I beat my target because I am a hero) this year, and she gave us all a gift voucher and said it was a miraculous achievement considering everything that's happened over the last year.

So, either she's an absolute dragon once her office door snaps shut OR this is just the technique that ineffective low-level managers use to avoid having to justify their bull shit.

lol yeah sounds like your boss is exactly the same as ours. she was freaking out foe weeks because our team was "massively over budget" for the quarter.

turns out the reason we were MASSIVELY over budget was that we got a really high invoice from one of the agencies people can donate to us through. so, er, it was because we'd gotten MORE money, it's just that the agencies ostensibly fall under our adminny department, whereas the money in goes into the fundraising department. it isn't like she had any control over it - she doesn't even choose which agencies we work with. so whenever she'd panic i'd be like "yeah, but...we're not ACTUALLY over budget, it's just that we were charged more cus we got more donations?" and she'd sorta flap and not really reply.

once she finally had the end of quarter meeting she came out really relieved and surprised, saying "well they didn't care about being overbudget because it was just because we had a higher than usual amount of donations, and obviously out of our control anyway"


er...well, yeah. she's worked here for like 30 years as well.

[Lewis]

'it says "hated by the daily mail", 'cause i'm the sort...'
'Right, and do you think that's an appropriate thing to wear for work?'
*invents reasons to hate her*

[Pepe]

I would watch the movie about Igor written by Lewis.

[Shindig]

And narrated by Jimmy.

[Don]

Some cunt was complaining about me and all sorts a month ago but in his most recent email he has included a light pun which I feel needs acknowledgement in what would otherwise be 'thank you for the report' response. It's an external so it needs to also be professional. Is there a solution for this incredibly difficult position I find myself in?

[Spikey M]

What's the pun?

[Don]

It's just some bollocks surrounding the topic of the report. It's not actually funny ffs. What I need is a formal business equivalent to the laughing crying emoji that I can chuck his way and we can both continue to live our lives in peace.

[Spikey M]

I would probably just ignore it and thank him.

[Boydy]

Just ignore it. Power move.

[SvN]

I never realised Taz was such a beta.

[Pepe]

Replying with another (better) pun is the obvious answer.

[Kikó]

"LOL m8 :*******), thanks for the report."

[Spikey M]

#FlanterFriday #OOOOHWORKFRIEND

[Don]

Why fucking throw that pun in there in the first place, you cunt? Absolute carnage.

[Spikey M]

This is some top teir Autism. Go on lad.

[Don]

I need cake puns (ideally something to spruce up a 'I'll be in touch when I can' sign-off). Shall I go with 'Haha that pun sent me into a spiral of top tier autism'.

Punpedia (https://punpedia.org/cake-puns/) has offered Pakistan->Bakeistan and I've had to take the rest of the day off as a result.

[Lewis]

'P.S. I am not from Pakistan.'

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'll be in sponge - sorry, touch! - when I can.

At least 60% of women and 20% of men would laugh at that.

[Spikey M]

And I'd probably never email you again. Win-win.

[Offshore Toon]

Shall I go with 'Haha that pun sent me into a spiral of top tier autism'.
I'm a big fan of this option.

[Spikey M]

I missed that.

+1

[Baz]

Boring story but

Every so often I get burdened with running a weight loss competition at work. I made a spreadsheet template for people to fill in and then I give them a SECRET IDENTITY and send it back. I also have a spreadsheet with everyone’s details on to track the whole thing and produce weekly league tables and stuff.

Anyway I accidentally sent someone the tracker spreadsheet instead of the template, so he could see everyone’s weight. Whoops. I tried recalling it instantly but he’d already opened it. Neither of us have mentioned it and he has since sent back the proper template and it’s business as usual.

Also, someone else in my team is on about giving out my spreadsheets to local businesses so they can run their own competition. Fuck off. Pay me for it. Took me bloody ages, and three iterations of running it before I got it spot on. Plus it’s not like ‘fill this in and it’s done’ cos I’ve gotta do loads. Arseholes. She wrote the most basic guide to use it but doesn’t actually say how to get started, just ‘have everyone send their weight in every week’ as if that’s it. Clueless to how much work it actually is. Proper pissed me off. Plus she sent it to our comms team asking them to remove any of our corporate branding. How about brand it with my face considered nobody else contributes anything towards it, yet seemingly the “healthy weight team” (of which I’m not one of) get credited for the entire six week slog. Just, urggggg.

[Spikey M]

Turns out it was actually 2nd Teir autism Don. I'm sorry for the downgrade but I'm sure you can understand.

[Lofty]

In that scenario Baz obviously you claim you are too busy to do that shit anymore and let the simpletons discover how time consuming it is.

[Shindig]

Or call them all fat.

[Raoul Duke]

Taz should ask Baz's fatsos to help with the cake puns. Bet they've heard them all

[Spikey M]

That joke was the cherry on the icing.

[Spikey M]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-57027046

First of many. :drool:

[Baz]

Went for an assessment today, with a follow-up interview on Friday. They may as well cancel the interview now. :moop:

First of all, when I saw the job advertised (internal only!) I read it and thought it sounded a lot like the job one of my mates at work does, and something I’d be really interested in. Plus it was quite a significant pay rise. When my initial application was successful, I asked my mate if he had any advice. He rang me to say he’s also going for the job. Great! :cab: Turns out he isn’t on as much money as I presumed, so this new job would also be a step up for him. He also said it was bad timing because someone else has told him another post is about to become available and it’s probably as good as his if he applies for it. Problem is, the role isn’t 100% gonna come up, so he didn’t wanna sit around and wait only for it not to come up and miss out on this job I’m going for in the process.

Anyway, we went to the assessment today along with some woman who he knew cos he knows everyone. I was out my depth, to be honest.

Actually, let me tell you more about my mate from work who’s going for this job. He’s about 50 and for most of his life has considered himself an “artist.” He started his own business in the 80s or 90s selling his own artwork, usually painted onto old furniture or bits of wood he salvaged. Since then he’s done a lot of spoken word gigs and has a fairly big following for his poetry. He also makes really weird music with his mates that I recommended to igor_balis once. He doesn’t sound like it, but he is a really funny guy and going for a drink with him is always entertaining. He’s great. But remember all this about him, okay?

Right, first part of the assessment was a spreadsheet with numbers on. We had to make a line graph to show these figures, then project the data for the rest of the year and also plot this on the same graph. Boring job stuff. My graph looked mega – not gonna lie – but I didn’t know what I was doing for the projection part. I use excel for accounting purposes mostly, in my current role, whereas my mate does exactly what was being asked on the assessment in his current job. The job is basically his, only somehow for more money. If he doesn’t get the job, it’d be very sus.

But forgetting how good he is at interpreting datasets and presenting information, because the second part of the assessment is where things got weird: write 400 words about this painting. My mate has since informed me it’s Guernica by Picasso. Of course he knew the name of it. Of course a job assessment about looking at data included a section on writing a critique of a goddamn painting. I mean, why wouldn’t it? :rolleyes:

So not only is my mate perfect for the job, based off the job description, but the seemingly complete curveball of an assessment is even more up his street. :wtf:

At the very least, I guess his current post will become vacant and I can apply for that. And probably fail to get it because I forgot how to do rudimentary trend calculations I probably learned when I was 13 and haven’t used since then. Curses.

Also one question on the first part was something like ‘explain why there may have been a decrease this year?’ and I’m staring at my graph that’s basically


https://i.imgur.com/3Zmdeqz.png

thinking DECREASED? Ehhhh… so just wrote two lines of made up stuff explaining what may have caused a decrease, despite my projections showing a definite increase. :lol: Couldn’t have messed it up more, tbh.

And then for the painting thing I just described how loads of people are scrambling around in a small room, screaming and stuff cos flames are beating at the door and they’re all gonna die. And then they all died.

Giz that job then? :baz:

I’ve reapplied for this job. Got an assessment on Thursday. Hopefully it’s different!

[Don]

This week's episode of 'Contemplation of the Mundane/Autistic Adventures' concerns email subject lines.

Say you are carrying out a review process of a batch load of cases and emailing the result of your review to whoever is working the case.

I went with an email subject line of: [Case Reference Number]- [Name of Case] - [Review Result]

I then didn't repeat the case reference and name in ​the body of the email. Upon reflection, this may be an error. How do we feel about this? The purpose of the subject line is clear but what is its intrinsic relationship with the body of the email? Can the body be separated from the subject? If so, when, how and why? If not, they should then be taken as a whole but is it wrong to assume that of the recipient?

The realisation that I'm accepting being chained to a desk for a sum of money is truly hitting home at this point into the WFH adventures. Fucking open the offices (don't obvs but you know).

[Mike]

Taz should ask Baz's fatsos to help with the cake puns. Bet they've heard them all

This made me actually laugh out loud in the staffroom. Thanks for that.

[Lewis]

You shouldn't put the key information/result in the title because presumably it's only for the person opening it, so bold it in the main body of text.

[Don]

You shouldn't put the key information/result in the title because presumably it's only for the person opening it, so bold it in the main body of text.

This is what I saw done elsewhere that made me think my method was inferior and upon reflection, it's the right answer as why would they need to know the result only through reading the subject.

Having said that, they simply went with

[Name of Review Project]

But I think the superior option would still be to include

[Case Reference Number]- [Name of Case] - [Name of Review Project]

[Lewis]

Some of the shitty notepad e-mails you get set me off. That and signatures in stupid fonts.

[Spikey M]

Working with Taz must be exhausting.

[Lewis]

There should be a sort of in-house style guide for the civil service that covers e-mail titles and how to format content, like how cunty academic publishers make you do all the work for them. It would instantly put about half the [female] workforce off on stress leave (not to mention smoke out the mongs who write the job postings) but the productivity gains would be through the roof once people mastered it.

[Don]

:nodd:

Standardisation is absolutely critical to productivity and getting rid of risks when you have these cretins about.

Spikey, come fiddle with my mushroom.

[Shindig]

Comic sans shouldn't be anywhere near an email. Our boss used to use that.

[Pepe]

How do we feel about land acknowledgments on signatures?

[Lewis]

I have one requesting acknowledgment from the likes of Taz.

[Baz]

Works got me involved in supporting with a gambling addiction programme provider. :eyemouth:

They currently support people with “substance addiction” and I randomly quipped in a meeting about gambling addiction and now they’re adding it to what they offer and want me to help. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Might as well ask Ronald McDonald to look after your cows.

[Manc]

Send them a link to your OLBG blog.

[Spikey M]

I guarantee Baz is a Fire Warden and all the rest of that bollocks as well. :happycry:

[Baz]

Assessment went okay today, thanks for asking.

Was close to sacking it off for the first five minutes but I think I figured it out. Interview is Monday.

Wasn't too fussed about getting it originally but the lad that started at the same time as me (axe throwing stag do)'s line manager recently got seconded to a higher up position, and its likely he'll get her job. So I don't wanna look a fool, floundering mid-table while he's being promoted to Europa League slots just cos he actually has a degree (in graphic design, I hasten to add).

And as for that snipe, Spikey. I'm a mental health first aider, employee champion, culture champion and, of course, spreadsheet badboy. Gotta get your name and face known throughout every department, even if it is ugh him again comments.

[Ian]

The Corporate Champion.

[Manc]

Gotta get your name and face known throughout every department, even if it is ugh him again comments.

Spoken like a true mug.

[Spikey M]

"We're looking for a real up and comer for our department, Jeff. Any recommendations?"

well, Baz, our stationary monitor has been bang on it this year....

[Lofty]

It seems to work the opposite to Baz's plan in our office where people doing these voluntary bollocks roles are roundly mocked by the rank and file, frustrated by their ongoing lack of promotion.

Our spot is trying to fob us off with hot desk working when we go back despite our department favouring a return to the fixed desk status quo. Not looking good, but the decision makers don't seem to grasp that we are the most essential department they have, and work optimally when we aren't carrying hundred page documents back and forth on commutes and trying to resolve issues through email and teams instead of just leaning to the side of your monitor and asking the relevant person sat a few metres away. Hotdesking sounds like hell.

[Shindig]

In our case, I don't think the ones chasing for extra stuff are doing it to trade up. It's mainly added insurance if the axe comes.

What's their logic for hot-desking? I've only ever done it when availability is a problem. We're swimming in desks now. I got mine back when the office weeb buggered off to Japan.

[Spikey M]

"We can't sack him, he's the milk monitor!"

They're jobs no cunt wants, so they give them titles and blow smoke up the nearest plebs arse so they'll do it. They're not saving you from the axe and they're certainly not getting you promoted.

[Don]

Pick your targets wisely, Spikey. If it wasn't for these heroes putting themselves forward they'd try and force them onto us and as covered by my earlier posts, I an far too busy and important for that shit.

[Shindig]

Yep. If they want you to do something bad enough, they'll make you. That's how I wound up with a busy summer. Or they, y'know, could hire someone for the first time in 5 years.

[Offshore Toon]

Baz's main role is clearly pretty quiet since he describes his duties as "spreadsheet" so the additional roles are probably welcome to fill up the day.

[Lofty]

In our case, I don't think the ones chasing for extra stuff are doing it to trade up. It's mainly added insurance if the axe comes.

What's their logic for hot-desking? I've only ever done it when availability is a problem. We're swimming in desks now. I got mine back when the office weeb buggered off to Japan.

Probably realised they could save a lot on power, heat, printing, tea and coffee etc then run down the lease on the office forcing people to use other locations they actually own.

[Shindig]

Sounds about right. Even if they keep the real estate, they can save on carbon emissions or something else creatively accounted for.

[randomlegend]

Medical staffing at work have MASSIVELY fucked up and not paid a tonne of locum shifts which were worked over the last few months, particularly during the last covid peak. I'm out probably a grand at the moment but I've given up working it out. There's been a few doctors who only work locums who haven't been able to pay their mortgage.

Someone from medical staffing today suggested those doctors who are struggling because they've not been paid should use food banks for a while to give medical staffing some breathing room to get things sorted :D

After the first wave they decided a load of people had been overpaid because all the rotas were changed to deal with covid and they thought some people's pay on the new rota had been calculated incorrectly (turned out they were wrong). The first some people knew of it was when they were contacted by a debt collector that medical staffing had referred them to.

I have honestly never met such an incompetent group of people and it's the same in every hospital.

I had a problem with my rota once and when I went to talk to them about it (because they never answer emails), I was told the person who does that rota is on holiday and nobody else in medical staffing has access to it. Not access to edit it, as in only one person in the department can even view each rota.

It's amazing.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My nearest colleague is off work all the fucking time. He's someone who has a lot of life dramas. Relationship break-ups. Mental health problems. Dead or ill relatives. Child with a former partner who gets ill all the time. Forced home moves because the latest woman has chucked him out. If it's a stressful life drama, it happens to him, and happens constantly. He takes time off to deal with these things (he must have already exceeded his 2021 holiday allocation).

By contrast, I am boring, have no life dramas at all, take planned time off only for my own leisure purposes, and therefore am always here to pick up the pieces for him and cover his work when he doesn't turn up with no notice. It's happened again this morning: 'xxx won't be in today as his daughter is ill', so here I am covering for him yet again.

Do I have any right to be aggrieved and mention it to the boss that this is a one-way street? It does my fucking head in. I spent last year covering for his furlough and 'working from home' as well, obvs.

[Manc]

100%. Whether or not your boss will do anything with that information is another thing entirely.

[Spikey M]

What Manc said pretty much.

It's a piss take, but management often see their underlings as a pool of labour rather than individuals. So unless productivity slips they won't necessarily be arsed that someone is carrying someone else.

[Foe]

Do you like this colleague?

If not there’s a bus to throw him under here should you need it. Tell your line manager or alternatively don’t do his work. if anyone asks you’re busy with your own and “catching up” from covering for them previously.

[Baz]

So in the ‘any questions?’ bit at the end of my interview today I asked how I did in the assessment. Lots of ums and ahs following by ‘er we’ll give every candidate individual feedback once the process has run its cause.’ Clearly messed it up beyond belief (again). :moop:

[Don]

That could be because they aren't prepared to divulge and discuss that information. You still have hope.

[Ian]

Yeah even if you've done well they probably don't want to say anyway in case you go away with the impression that you've smashed it and then they go with somebody else.

Which sounds like I'm being pessimistic but they'll be doing the same with everybody so fingers crossed.

[Baz]

My other question was what will the priorities be of the successful applicant and he didn’t know. :cab: ‘It’s a new role in a new team so it’s still being ironed out.’

[Manc]

That question has probably cost you the role.

[Spikey M]

Did you mean responsibilities? Asking what your priorities would be is a bit of a weird question.

[Lewis]

You would surely know the general responsibilities in order to apply for the job. Priorities sounds right.

[Spikey M]

You prioritise by yourself though, no? I'd never ask my manager what my priorities are.

[Don]

You're all autistic cunts.

Anyone know how to respond to an email if they've asked you how your weekend has been in their intro but you don't want to ask them about theirs?

[Lewis]

If it's a new role I think it's a reasonable question to ask since they will have just listed all sorts of crap in the posting. As for Taz, just ignore it.

[Spikey M]

2.5 days until I put the Out of Office on for an actual holiday (even if it is in the UK). I might have to order one of those sad OUT OF OFFICE T-Shirts to wear in the office/bedroom on Friday to mark the occasion.

[Baz]

Didn’t get that job.

To add to my misery, had the director on this morning saying she wants me to get more involved with other areas. She’s also encouraging me to look into a degree course I can do, where I’d take one week out of my working week to do, but still get paid fulltime. They literally don’t exist, surely?

Like fuck off I just wanna look at spreadsheets and make impressive formulas, not learn about covid surge testing or the tender renewal process. Right now I don’t even care about money, I just wanna doss.

[Manc]

You appear to be doing everything in your power not to doss. Clearly something deeper at play.

[Shindig]

He's not been the same since he lost his desk.

[Spikey M]

I've turned Fridays half day into a whole day off now, so one day to go until #HolidayMode #OutOfOffice #StayCay

Unfortunately I will spend most of tomorrow doing Home Visits. The first for over a year. Eugh.

[Lofty]

I have gone the other way and instead of lying on a Greek beach or just sat in my pants watching Bargain Hunt I voluntarily cancelled 4 days leave out of a total fortnight this week, to assist my team during heavy workload while we are short handed. It's resulted in a massive tension headache, which is nice.

[Spikey M]

2 of my 4 home visits emailed over night to cancel (for clearly made up reasons). I now need to phone up and try to cover my happy tears with my faux disappointed voice. Tonight's kebab gets closer with every passing minute. What a life lads.

[Shindig]

I've caught my time back up from earlier in the week with a 10 hour shift. Even from home, the long ones are shite. Not due back into the office until at least September, too.

[Ian]

I've been inspired by Spikey (and my own crushing lack of enthusiasm at the moment and massive surplus of days off to use) to take tomorrow off as an impromptu three day weekend.

[CJay]

Are you a housing officer Spikey? I think we might be doing the same job…

[Spikey M]

Are you a housing officer Spikey? I think we might be doing the same job…

Sort of. I work along side the Housing Officers but only deal with things when they're about to go to court.

I've been a Housing Officer for the last year though, just transitioning back to normal now.

[CJay]

Sort of. I work along side the Housing Officers but only deal with things when they're about to go to court.

I've been a Housing Officer for the last year though, just transitioning back to normal now.

Ah I see. I just started my role at the beginning of May. 400 houses in my ‘patch’ with the actual training taking place as I go. Just winging it for now with fairly good results so far.

We have some serious arrears issues coming down the line after COVID restrictions lift and we can resume court action. I assume it’s like that with you too.

[Spikey M]

We've done mostly OK, as a team our uncollected rent was 3.5%ish, with under 3% being the normal target. Could have been alot worse considering everything, mind.

That said, those that have taken full advantage have done so spectacularly. I think our highest arrears are something like £14k :drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

My east end wide boy field boss rang me up just now to ask me about the monthly numbers.

"How are the figures going?"

"We've done £174k thus far."

"Thus far? Who are you, Bill fucking Shakespeare?!"

I will honestly miss him when he dies of a heart attack any day now.

[Spikey M]

Even I say "thus far" and I'm from fucking Essex.

[Baz]

Southern-talk.

Just say ‘so far.’

[Spikey M]

Come back when you can say the letter k without bringing up a hairball.

[Baz]

I’m more Johnny Vegas than Jamie Carragher, soz.

[Offshore Toon]

I had no idea Johnny Vegas was from St Helens. Is that how you all talk then, minus the throat like a cement mixer? I just figured he was from Bolton or something.

[Spikey M]

Baz should be supporting a Manchester team if he talks like that.

[Lofty]

Out of office on until the 3rd of June, managed to flush a massive turd of a workload and thankfully someone else is dropping the ball so any errors in my absence will be attributed to them :cool:

[Baz]

I had no idea Johnny Vegas was from St Helens. Is that how you all talk then, minus the throat like a cement mixer? I just figured he was from Bolton or something.

I talk like this (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HcrlfRb5-gM) and not like this (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VW0U-eRutHw).

[Spikey M]

You sound 10 times more like Carragher than you do Vegas.

[Lewis]

Modern Scouse is uniquely horrible because of the Irish, so Baz would (and does) sound more like the towns closer to Manchester than he does a Scouser. Dialect aside, he also sounds more like me than I would some West Yorkshire pleb.

[Baz]

You appear to be doing everything in your power not to doss. Clearly something deeper at play.

Been offered the chance to become a Domestic Abuse Champion. It’s a five day course spread over two weeks but I’ve politely declined.

If I was in an office and it meant five days away (it’s not virtual, I’d have to go somewhere) I’d have probably done it, but nah. The lady running it is really good though (fit) so could still be swayed.

[Yevrah]

Domestic Abuse Champions?

Sweet mother of God.

[igor_balis]

Domestic Abuse Champions?

Sweet mother of God.

Sounds like a 2000 wcw Vince Russo idea.

[Yevrah]

I like Baz, but the idea of him being a Domestic Abuse Champion (as an aside, who the hell decided to call it that?) is utterly terrifying.

This sort of thing needs to stop now.

[Raoul Duke]

Calling yourself Domestic Abuse Champion makes it sound like there was a competition :D

[Ian]

Well let's not rule anything out.

[Mike]

It does make it sound like you’re the best at domestic abuse

[Baz]

It is a thing (http://www.areyouok.co.uk/im-a-professional/domestic-abuse-champions/) and tbh I’d probably be more on board with championing that than general “mental health first aid,” (don’t smack your spouse vs lighten up) but one gets me paid £8 a month and the other does not.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Domestic abuse champion would fit into your signature though.

"mental health first aider, employee champion, culture champion domestic abuse champion and, of course, spreadsheet badboy."

Although maybe it is a bit too 'champion' heavy.

[phonics]

You can’t just have a champion declared for turning up. Some sort of tournament. The Domestic Abuse World Cup to find out who’s the Champion.

[Don]

Why tf are you championing domestic abuse at work and how do I introduce it to my workplace?

[Baz]

Why tf are you championing domestic abuse at work and how do I introduce it to my workplace?

Recruit a domestic abuse survivor (also helps if she’s from an ethnic minority and photogenic) and let her run wild.

[wullie]

Being domestic abuse champion comes with a title belt that you have to threaten to take off.

[Ian]

:D

Fucking hell.

[igor_balis]

Being domestic abuse champion comes with a title belt that you have to threaten to take off.

Hahaha there's the joke i was looking for, good job

[Mike]

https://i.postimg.cc/4dj3g2cg/EAA4-AF80-9-B02-477-F-9-B75-7-D66-E3079708.gif

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Being domestic abuse champion comes with a title belt that you have to threaten to take off.

:D

[Spikey M]

Domestic Abuse Champion :lol:

[Shindig]

Baz, is there some kind of open secret going round the office about someone getting battered at home? That's the only way I could see management signing off on this.

[Spikey M]

It's just the type of shit that organisations with far too many middle managers come up with.

[Baz]

Baz, is there some kind of open secret going round the office about someone getting battered at home? That's the only way I could see management signing off on this.
There is no office.

[Shindig]

Black eyes all day and all night, then.

[Raoul Duke]

It's just the type of shit that organisations with far too many middle managers come up with.

Bored HR gimps who want to look busy

[phonics]

It's more likely someone someone knows running the training consultancy firm.

[phonics]

Lewis would have loved firm our HR brought in. They're supposed to be the anonymous go-between us plebs and managment.

So I go to their seminar and its a 45 minute presentation on, 'Unless your boss says something racist or sexist. Or several people in the company are beating you up in the hallways (they called it mobbing). The problem is you.'

[Yevrah]

Phonics is right, the process with all of these things is:

An issue gets media coverage - Some ambulance chasing chancers think they can monetise it - issue gets more coverage - chancers 'reach out' to company HR departments - HR love it - I end up in a course being told that having a conversation with a 'colleague' (no one is an employee these days) who suffers from a genuine mental illness (to the point of suicidal thoughts) needn't be difficult.

It's symptomatic of the woeful approach we have to all issues as a society at the moment, in that people seem to think that if you shout about a problem loudly enough and do something, that's job done.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Spot on. Style over substance in all things.

[Manc]

Am I contractually obliged to converse with my manager when on sick? I've informed her when I'll be back and that I'm happy to receive any "important" updates via message. Take the hint, love.

[Shindig]

I think our lot only does that on long-term sick.

[Lofty]

Your manager can't crawl too far up your arse if you have kept them in the loop. Union would be barbequing their kidneys by the end of the day for that at our spot.

[Shindig]

A job's on the horizon I may actually consider. They're proposing every team leader has a deputy to share the workload. As long as that means no meetings, I'd probably go for it. One step up on the pay grade, too.

[Ian]

First thing I'd be delegating is the meetings.

[Shindig]

I know. :(

[AyDee]

I've been feeling somewhat underpaid lately (particularly given billable hours and firm performance over last 9 months) so I've actually engaged with some recruiters on LinkedIn for once.

Potential salaries elsewhere certainly better than what I'm on atm (potentially about 60% better) but it's a mix of law firms and in-house positions (1 in London, other 2 same location).

I was initially using this as a way to negotiate a stronger salary but the discrepancy is large enough to consider moving, albeit moving in-house at 1 year Post-Qualification is arguably not the most sensible decision.

Decision, decisions.

[Ian]

Is there any harm in asking your current place first anyway? Best scenario that's one more option for you, worst case you're still looking at moving elsewhere.

Depends on your relationship with your boss, I guess.

[SvN]

Personally, I'd wait until I have an offer before mentioning it. Then weigh up what it would take to stay where you are.

[Lewis]

How does this (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-57343892) disgraceful ruling relate to us hard-working civil servants? I ask because the people doing my exact job at the Foreign Office earn almost twice what I do, so is the 'single source' our specific departments or the civil service generally? The different pay bands would suggest the former, but the common pension scheme the latter.

[Spikey M]

Had to go into the office yesterday for the controversial and terrifying FACE TO FACE meeting. Or it would have been, but our resident Team Panic member booked a days leave for it. :happycry:

Not a mask in sight for the rest of us. Even though we were indoors and standing up. Fuck the police. (Is that even the rules anymore? I have no idea)

[Baz]

Yes it’s the rules

[Jimmy Floyd]

People (and I know loads of them) being tentative/scared about returning to the office really makes me laugh as I sit here on day 449 or whatever since the pandemic started parked at the same desk as always.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

[Spikey M]

People (and I know loads of them) being tentative/scared about returning to the office really makes me laugh as I sit here on day 449 or whatever since the pandemic started parked at the same desk as always.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

She's honestly ridiculous. Everytime we have a (Skype) meeting she sits there shaking her head whilst people talk about what they've been up to. It's a shame because she was a social butterfly before all this. She's beyond repair now.

[Manc]

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Odd take.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Trust me, it hasn't. A virus has gone round. Otherwise it's all exactly as before. My workplace is exactly as per 2019 except there are a few little-used bottles of sanitiser lying around. If you're choosing to shit your pants and think that video calls are the new norm in place of human interaction, that's up to you.

[Manc]

I'll look forward to shitting my pants 2/3 times a week for the foreseeable.

[Spikey M]

We live in very different worlds Jim. Nothing has changed at your place maybe, but at my place only 1 team are going into work and the 8 of them are in 4 different rooms with 3 out of every 4 desks taped off.

The staff themselves largely don't give a shit and only follow the rules if someone is looking, but from a business perspective a fuck tonne has changed.

We were all discussing how this shit has completely jumped the shark yesterday. The disruption : risk ratio is pathetic. We now live in a world where Covid literally is "just like the flu", so why aren't we getting on with it like we do every winter.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Perhaps what I mean is nothing needs to have changed. Either you shit the bed or you don't. We are having a very very good year, that's all I can say. A couple of our main UK based competitors have gone full work from home / shut off premises and are drowning as a result.

[Manc]

Spoken like a true company man.

[Kikó]

We live in very different worlds Jim. Nothing has changed at your place maybe, but at my place only 1 team are going into work and the 8 of them are in 4 different rooms with 3 out of every 4 desks taped off.

The staff themselves largely don't give a shit and only follow the rules if someone is looking, but from a business perspective a fuck tonne has changed.

We were all discussing how this shit has completely jumped the shark yesterday. The disruption : risk ratio is pathetic. We now live in a world where Covid literally is "just like the flu", so why aren't we getting on with it like we do every winter.

Well it isn't quite yet because there's still a portion who are vulnerable and unvaccinated. It's not a forever thing mind and I do agree we need to return to some sort of normality (where I can order a beer without an app).

Our work is moving to hybrid after this 40-60% in the office working week. I'm happy enough with that. Most of us won't return until September either.

[Spikey M]

Is it not the same portion that also aren't allowed the Flu Jab though? (Aside from the allergy mob).

[Jimmy Floyd]

I have a customer who needs a head gasket for a boat. I asked her for the 8-digit engine number so I could look up the right one. She sent me first E11*97/68GA*2002/88*0235*02 , then 7CEXL0275AAF, and then, as a final salvo, when pointed out that neither of these were 8 digits and that it is 8 numbers with no letters, she offered 47202-3005.

Upon being asked for the 4th time for an 8-digit engine number, she sent back simply: "Please! I need this head gasket today!"

Honestly hope her boat fucking sinks.

[Spikey M]

If I ask someone for something simple twice without receiving it, their request gets left for the full 10 working days I'm allowed to take to reply.

[Manc]

Sassy.

[Spikey M]

Damn straight.

[mo]

Interview at my current school yesterday for Assistant Head of Year. Found out today I got it. Definitely my best interview to date and given one of the smarmy cunts I was up against I think I would have walked if he got it and I didn't.

Also a relief given how many interviews I've bombed to date.

[Foe]

Congrats.

Clearly something you’ve been working towards and wanting for some time.

[Kikó]

Congrats mo.

[mo]

Cheers both. Been trying to get into Middle Leadership for a couple of years, either 2nd in subject/department or pastoral with little success. This is only 1 year fixed term so depending on how things go this role might not exist by this time next year - but a Head of Year role might come up instead and having this would put me in a good position.

[Shindig]

All the best with it.

My day almost shat the bed when windows decided it couldn't load on the thin client. It's been threatening to kill itself for weeks now but today I had to boot it back to life from a USB stick.

[Spikey M]

Well in Mo.

[Lofty]

Congrats Mo.

And I sympathise Shinners, our servers keeled over at 10am and reappeared at 1pm 'fixed', by which the IT boffins meant they rolled them back to before the weekend because it's not like anyone had done any work since then...

[Pepe]

Mo money mo problem.

[Spammer]

Employer have basically told me to apply for a promotion, looks certain I'll get it tbh as there's nobody else with the same skill-set.

I am currently at the top of my wage band for my current job, as I've been there a few years. This new job is on the wage band above. Is it standard practice for me to start at the bottom of this wage band? The reason I ask is because there's not much difference in money between the top of my current band and the bottom of the next one.

On a related note then: Is it likely to be alright for me to ask to start higher up on the wage band? I don't want to sound arrogant but I don't really need the change and they honestly probably do need me more than I need them. It can't hurt to ask, right? I've not negotaited my wages before so I don't know these things.

[Mellberg]

Sounds like you hold the cards. Make the request in writing so you can't be fobbed off. Absolutely should not be a problem trying for more money.

[Raoul Duke]

It's fine to negotiate (at worst they can just say no) and then you just need to be clear on your position: would you take the move for roughly the same money? If you move up, how long can you expect to stay on that salary? What are the requirements for progression etc.

[Lofty]

If you don't bring it up they will absolutely start you at the bottom of the next band. Negotiate now because if you are anything like what my place is unless you are delivering heaven and earth on the daily you will never get bumped up the band significantly.

[Kikó]

I was mentioned in a linkedin post by work yesterday after an internal presentation but instead of the word lead, they've typo'd and put lad. So I'm now an AUTOMATION LAD. With all the banter and mates included.

[Ian]

Automation Lad and the Spreadsheet Badboy will return...

[Spikey M]

Peter Crouch's sidekicks need some work.

[Shindig]

Automation Lad is my workplace nemesis.