The All New Jobs Thread

[Spikey M]

The Lean Machine will ground you into dust, boy.

[Kikó]

Automation Lad is my workplace nemesis.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/GxY5fDn5sjQ/hqdefault.jpg

"Damn you Automation Lad, stop creating macros"

[Shindig]

I could be those macros. :(

[Spikey M]

Just had an absolutely brutal phonecall with a man who's wife died yesterday while they were on holiday. He was driving home from Devon. He was in floods of tears and I don't think the anxiety of expecting him to crash at any second will ever leave me.

[Ian]

:|

[Manc]

She's in Devon now.

[Don]

:D

lll

[Lofty]

:D :D :D

Fucking hell.

:D

[Spikey M]

You are all deeply terrible people.

[Shindig]

Crisis calls are the worst thing I've ever had to deal with, to be honest. When a call takes the turn, I shit bricks.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I don't know why this annoys me so much, but two of my six bosses both call each other 'Mister' in emails (as in: 'Hi Mister', 'Thanks, Mister', 'Have you called the customer, Mister?') and it's becoming close to a resigning matter for me.

They're both English, so there's no excuse.

[Spikey M]

Sounds like flirting to me.

[Lofty]

Just run of the mill twattery I think.

[niko_cee]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/fastshow/wallpaper/images/colin_640.jpg

[Manc]

Just run of the mill twattery I think.

Public School boys no doubt.

[niko_cee]

More likely to go with just surname if that were the case.

[Jimmy Floyd]

They're not public school boys, just old. Public school boys are more 'Fancy sharing a prostitute, Johnners?' and all that.

[Spikey M]

Very frugal. Yuppies get atleast one each.

[Ian]

Yeah but for the public school boys the prostitute is just a cover.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Baz]

I've been sent this (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-57057782) and have been told not to book any [internal] meetings on Friday afternoons for the whole of July. :happycry:

[Don]

That'a a great idea, I'd wonder how some of these people get anything done given their entire day is b2b calls if I didn't already know the answer.

On getting to work news, the flexi season tickets are a load of horseshit. Only really work for me if I don't go in more than 2 days a week.

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2021/jun/21/flexible-rail-season-tickets-on-sale--england-covid-19-pandemic

Some anomalies were apparent: the new flexi fare appeared to be more expensive than a daily anytime return on at least one route, with Brighton-East Croydon costing more than £30 a day on a eight-day flexi season ticket, compared with a peak anytime return of £27.20.

The fact that can even occur shows what a complete shambles the whole pricing structure of rail fares is.

[phonics]

Called my boss a lying dick head to HR and then put my resignation in 15 minutes later. 3 months notice and I'm going back to the UK after give or take 15 years in Switzerland. Pints are on me lads.

[Kikó]

Bloody men all the same 😡😡

[Raoul Duke]

Called my boss a lying dick head to HR and then put my resignation in 15 minutes later. 3 months notice and I'm going back to the UK after give or take 15 years in Switzerland. Pints are on me lads.

Why? Got to be some juicy story in this

[Manc]

He's bit.

[Spikey M]

:D

[phonics]

Haha an AIDS joke, top shelf stuff as usual from late-period Lewis.

Has been an ongoing issue and my lease/period of notice lines up so seems the perfect time to jump.

[Lewis]

Who else had 'misunderstood something and kicked off'?

[Shindig]

I was thinking that, to be honest.

[Spikey M]

It was actually a Zombie joke.

[Spikey M]

I'm working from the office today and it's terrible. Deeply, deeply terrible. The norm must be resisted. Embrace the third wave.

[Ian]

I don't think it's gonna happen any time soon but our managers clearly want us back in the office at some point. Fingers crossed for a limited number of days per week but I'm just gonna assume it'll be back to the 5 day commute when it happens and anything less than that is a bonus.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My 'unreliable' colleague has gone off sick, and then emergency holiday (which he phoned in at 4.57pm to arrange) in consecutive days. Not sure I've seen that one-two attempted before.

[Manc]

You should take a few days sick to allow your stock to rise.

[Spikey M]

I had a text message from my manager asking if I could attend an "Emergency" at 2am last night because I'm "closer".

Now, I slept through that like a freshly titted baby, but the audacity is still impressive.

Firstly, I'm not on call and receiving the MASSIVE 20p per hour or whatever the fuck it is, you are. Get your arse in the car.

Secondly, you live 10 minutes from me. How much fucking closer can I be? Not close enough that waiting for me to reply, get ready and head out is a game changer. I know that much.

Thirdly, "emergency"? I don't know what's happened, but I reckon any of our Emergency Services can get by without my help.

She was almost certainly pissed and couldn't drive. :happycry:

[Ian]

I am keen to find out what this emergency was.

Also fuck the 20p per hour for being on call. :D That's not remotely worth it.

[Spikey M]

I've not had a reply to my response but will update when I do. Hopefully she's been up all night.

It probably isn't 20p per hour, it will be whatever the standard going rate is (everything is). I just remember it being a very underwhelming amount, although this must be the 2nd or 3rd time I've heard of someone on call actually having to do something and it's usually as simple as an alarm going off somewhere.

[Lofty]

Is this the one who was pissed on a video call?

[Spikey M]

The very same.

[Andy]

100% she would have been pissed.

We have to do emergency call outs at my place and I'm constantly having to.l cover other areas fir various reasons and I'm betting 95% involve drinking you can tell as soon as they ring the phone.

The money is really good though, usually £300-600ish for my callout week. A 2am callout like that would get us the next day off paid as down time. Its a pretty sweet gig.

[Ian]

We have to do an on-call weekend one week out of about 8. It fucks your weekend but it works out quite well. An extra £2k a year for being on that rota and then without going into the boring admin of it you'll usually end up claiming £250- £500 for each on-call weekend depending on how much time you've actually spent on callout. Sometimes even more than that.

[Spikey M]

She's not emailed and I can't see anything that hints at an "Emergency" having happened anywhere. God damn it. I need closure.

[Ian]

May she was out of booze.

[Foe]

My version of on call is varying degrees of “the platform is broken and we need to get 75 people off ASAP and help fix the broken thing” to “the helicopter has crashed into the sea and everyone is dead. Help manage the phones”.

Works out as something like an extra £250 for the on call week about 6-8 times a year. A lot of inconvenience and potential life changing event exposure for a nominal financial reward. No thanks.

[Shindig]

You know what'd be cooler? Speedboats. Big Oil should fund that.

[Manc]

The project I'm currently on has run out of work and the expectation is that I just stare at my fucking screen until the end of my shift. :moop:

Is there any way to amend Teams so it appears that I'm active? God I miss Skype.

[Ian]

What do you do that there's literally nothing else they could have you working on?

If they literally are just expecting you to sit and do nothing then will they even notice if you show as away?

[Manc]

Touché.

[neo_hippy]

The project I'm currently on has run out of work and the expectation is that I just stare at my fucking screen until the end of my shift. :moop:

Is there any way to amend Teams so it appears that I'm active? God I miss Skype.

I've never tried it to confirm it works but try putting your mouse laser ontop of a watch with a rotating seconds hand

[Baz]

The project I'm currently on has run out of work and the expectation is that I just stare at my fucking screen until the end of my shift. :moop:

Is there any way to amend Teams so it appears that I'm active? God I miss Skype.

I’ve a spreadsheet that moves down a cell, then back up, every 5 seconds or so. Stops me from ever showing as Away.

[Manc]

Apparently all it takes is setting up a status message. Now I just need to stop my SP falling asleep.

[Manc]

I’ve a spreadsheet that moves down a cell, then back up, every 5 seconds or so. Stops me from ever showing as Away.

Wonderful work.

[Spikey M]

I have a macro to filter information. If I'm super specific I can make it last an hour.

I occasionally check my stats for the year too. That takes an age to process the report.

[Ian]

I tried this in my last job just with a little exe that does nothing other than keep the screen on when I was presenting stuff because the Sleep time was unhelpfully low and we weren't allowed to change it.

Had it about a year and then corporate IT noticed and had a proper hissy fit, bypassing any initial "Hello sorry we'll need you to uninstall that security amirite?" requests to bin it and straight to the REMOVE IT RIGHT NOW OR WE'LL TELL YOUR MANAGER AND FIRE YOU AND KILL YOUR FAMILY stage of the process.

[SvN]

I remember years ago I got caught on http://codereddit.com

[Disco]

Oscillating fan attached to the mouse, untraceable.

[Pepe]

https://media1.tenor.com/images/8e29c1954a3985339bd16fc9f6610dfd/tenor.gif?itemid=8025433

[Shindig]

I've been caught shopping twice on the clock.

[Manc]

The project has collapsed.

[igor_balis]

I forgot my mask today so I kindly asked the office manager if I could have one of the ones kept locked in a cupboard here.

She was like " :/ well Igor they're not there to just... give out, they're just there for the first aid supplies". If they're not there to just 'give out', I'm not entirely sure what fucking eventuality they're being kept for? There's like fifty of the fucking things, and only about ten of us regularly in the office. She's usually alright as well.

[Spikey M]

Nobody even wears a mask in our office.

[igor_balis]

We don't! I only needed it to go to the shop and get the milk. Which makes it even more confusing.

[Manc]

Office milk bitch.

[Spikey M]

"Would you like a little bickie with that, Laura?"

"...go on then"

"Oh you are naughty."

https://hips.hearstapps.com/cosmouk.cdnds.net/cm/14/30/53d559901e993_-_tumblr_lqkaa0cc7z1r25534o1_500.gif

[Baz]

lol at igor being the milk monitor

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

*Milk bad boy.

[igor_balis]

Milf monitor, perhaps.

[Spikey M]

"Send him for some milk please, he's staring again"

[Raoul Duke]

Reckon he's been sent out to pick up some tartan paint and a long weight a few times too

[igor_balis]

Our team ran out of milk and I offered to replace it you horrible bullies.

[Spikey M]

"We're out of milk, who's going to get some?"

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/37nwLhIA1zs/maxresdefault.jpg

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Don't be rude to him or he'll give you your milk last.

[Shindig]

Two internal jobs applied for. I forgot how annoying it is to fiddle with cover letters and CV's after 6 years. Worth it to go up a grade or two, though.

Back in the office next week, too.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The bloke who sits next to me has just asked if I believe in evolution.

A quick exchange of views has been had. I've put my position forward, but he's just not having it. 'You can't prove it', he says. More as we get it.

[Ian]

I'm going to need more information.

What prompted this conversation?
What does he believe? Standard creationism or something more mental?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I'd love if that was just completely out of the blue.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He isn't religious at all. He just doesn't believe it, much in the same way that people don't believe in the moon landings or whatever. He accepts that animals adapt, but he says there's no evidence of the 'switch' from one species to the next.

He also refuses my definition of a species, which isn't helping. Still, I think he has room to grow. We'll get there.

It came about because I knew what the main sea port was in Ecuador (work stuff), which made someone else, amazed at this knowledge, ask me what came first, the chicken or the egg. I said probably the egg. Then he went full evolution.

[Ian]

Has to be the egg. The first chicken had to come out of something.

Also if that's the question they asked because you knew a port in Ecuador the bants in your office must be even more mental than I had previously assumed.

[Pepe]

Slip a TTH card in his drawer.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

It's the egg because there were egg laying animals around millions of years before the chicken.

[Shindig]

Yep, the chickens genes and evolutionary mutations come from the parents. They combine in the egg.

It’s deadline day for the team leader jobs. Last I heard, I was the only applicant.

[Spikey M]

And whatever laid the egg would have been very, very, very close to being a chicken, but not quite a chicken.

I thought everyone but the American fringe of Christianity accepted Evolution these days? Even the Catholic fucking Church does through the lense of "but God made it happen".

[Disco]

Things other than chickens came in eggs for quite a while.

[Ian]

What they did in their own time is none of our business.

[Lofty]

It probably isn't the best (echo chamber innit) but I'm glad my team is all pretty much on the same page regarding these basic measures of intelligence.

[Baz]

I felt well behind with work but smashed a load in today and it feels good.

I spend most of my day chatting about Love Island on MSN Teams.

[Spikey M]

I fucking love Love Island at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, it's a sack of shit and any man watching it is a mong, but the wife watching it has me being massively productive. I built half the garden shed this evening while she was catching up. I'll do the roof and the door tomorrow while she watches tonight's installment.

[Manc]

Spikey. :cool:

[igor_balis]

starting a masters in october :cool:

[mo]

starting a masters in october :cool:

Bit much for a milk bitch isn't it?

[Spikey M]

Milk Master.

[Lewis]

Milk Attendant (MA).

[igor_balis]

even getting dunked on by mo ffs

[Disco]

Oh well, no need to cry over spilt milk.

[igor_balis]

:panda::panda:

[Lewis]

Tell us about the degree.

[igor_balis]

Shan't

[Pepe]

Male nurse?

[Shindig]

Despite a year and a bit out of the office, it came back pretty quick. Bringing us back for the phone cover is a bit daft though. We had phone cover but they're roped into other telephone tasks. Makes it all feel rather pointless so anyone answering the DWP queries gets 20 calls a day.

[Spikey M]

I've made the ridiculous mistake of being completely up to date with my work, so I'm now being sent out to do a load of Home Visits for my colleague that can't manage her own workload. Can't wait to spend the day in fucking Romford. :happycry:

Atleast I get that sweet sweet 40p per mile I suppose.

[Lofty]

Our office has been completely remodelled in our absence towards hot desking. Just as the government has changed it message towards everyone going back to work to save the daytime economy.

[Manc]

Back to the office by August 19th at the very latest, at which point I'll be rubbing shoulders with multiple vaccine virgins thanks to Allah on high.

[randomlegend]

One of the paediatric registrars wrote a letter (which all the paeds juniors signed) to management and the deanery about how unsafe working conditions have been recently.

It triggered an emergency board meeting with the chief executive in attendance on the same day which we were all invited to attend.

There have already been major changes made which have dramatically improved the situation.

Turns out apes together strong.

[Pepe]

Nothing a letter writing campaign cannot solve.

[Shindig]

Yeah, I'll be glad when I'm back working from home. There's no life to the office now. Extend that to the whole of Durham, as well. Deserted. It's quite daft to see dozens crowd downstairs for their covid tests as well. I'd be pushing all that to home testing to free up the testers back to their day jobs.

[Baz]

Where some people got all depressed from being thrust into working from home (idiots) I reckon I’d be the other way. If I got an email tomorrow saying I’m back in the office full time from X date, I’d probably have to get signed off sick. WFH 4 life.

[Don]

I think they'll do a U-turn as soon as winter creeps/cases explode/new variant comes in which will happen by September when we're meant to be back to our new 3 days in the office routine. I'm more concerned I lose my hefty London weighting if I end up WFH permanently. My mental health would also not cope with it long-term.

[Shindig]

Aye, maybe. I don't see any decision as final. We're pencilled in for September. Honestly, both have perks. I like the routine of getting out and going to work. I like getting home and actually unwinding, whereas working from home you're fully unwound forever. But working from home goes so damn quick and I can do house stuff on the clock.

I can tell some people won't budge. Some people love being in an empty office, some people can't do without working from home. The bigger problems is how it impacts your job. I had a call from DWP before for a quick question. I didn't have the answer to hand and would normally ask for their number. The person at the other end is working from home so I can't just find what I need and ring them back. Little things like that add some faff and communication's the first thing to go when you've got such a split.

[Spikey M]

My work is persevering with "agile working" for now, which suits me. The office is fine once in a while but I'm with Baz on needing an intervention if they ever say we're going back full time.

[Shindig]

Alright, I wouldn't mind settling back into home working now. Comparatively speaking, it drags. And we got a good demonstration today of the shit our team leaders are being stuck with. :uhoh:

[Spikey M]

I'm trying to sort out a refund for someone and explained yesterday that we need all refund requests in writing as we need to check the signature (I know, I know). So to save her time I invited her to write a quick note requesting the refund, take a photo of it and email it through to save her time and effort.

Today I received a screenshot of my own email attached to an email saying "can I have refund please x".

It's going to be a long day.

[Kikó]

It's pretty staggering how bad people are at following what seems to be clear instruction.

I've applied for a new job internally in other news. The hiring manager is someone I've worked with a lot and wants me for the role so hopefully it can all happen quickly - based in Germany. Bit of a pain post brexit with only being a Brit passport wise as it adds about 6 weeks to get a work permit.

[Manc]

Wunderbar.

[Foe]

Nice Kiko!

3 new jobs have gone up in my team, one of which would be a promotion. But surprise, surprise, nobody already in the team is eligible to apply. Reinforces my view that career progression is nil.

Got a bit of a review with my boss soon so already lined up career progression sort of questions because right now it seems like a complete dead end.

[Shindig]

One thing I've taken from this week is how fucked team leaders seem to be at the minute. A new manager came in and started 'putting their stamp on things'. It involves asking teams with a full workload to do these time consuming tasks for very, very little benefit.

Highlight of the week was getting a call about a health professional abandoning an assessment because the claimant's tourettes was too sweary.

[Baz]

A few months ago I was sent a draft job spec by my line manager who said ‘when this goes out you should apply.’

It’s now gone out and it’s for double my current salary. :lol: I don’t think they’ll choose me.

[Raoul Duke]

You absolutely should apply

[Andy]

You'd be mad not to apply.

[Manc]

Let's face it, if you apply it's a done deal. Your champion titles alone will secure the position.

[Baz]

I’ve applied.

Will have to lose of some of my Champion titles if I get it though.

[Spikey M]

As long as you can retain Spreadsheet Badboy status it will be worth the sacrifice

[Shindig]

Interview sorted for next week. In person which surprises me. Guess that means I’m working from the office that day. :moop:

[Panda Bear]

Interview sorted for next week. In person which surprises me. Guess that means I’m working from the office that day. :moop:

Hold on. Are you actually trying to change companies?

[Spikey M]

You're out of control now.

[Shindig]

I'm staying put but for more money, hopefully. I almost blocked the Bulgarian lass that rang back to arrange it because it sounded like she was trying to tell me my PC had a virus.

[Lewis]

There is a new person at work, and, a month into the job, he has started going on about organising team stuff out of hours. Who does that? He has to sit right next to me as well. I feel like Baz.

[Baz]

What do you mean by that last bit? :sherlock:

[Lewis]

Weren't you seething about some annoying woman intruding on your space?

[Baz]

I hate everyone so yes, probably.

Team stuff out of hours is a sticky one for me. There’s some good drinkers in my team so I don’t actually mind going out with some of them, but the ideal is to get to someone high up the ladder to organise it and they’ll let you finish at like 12 but still get paid a full day.

Saturdays are a straight no though. It’s gotta be either when you’re meant to be at work, or immediately after.

[Shindig]

Ours all seemed to be arranged by team leaders for Friday as soon as everyone clocked off. Having someone new trying to arrange stuff just makes me think he's desperate to fit in.

[Spikey M]

I hate everyone so yes, probably.

Team stuff out of hours is a sticky one for me. There’s some good drinkers in my team so I don’t actually mind going out with some of them, but the ideal is to get to someone high up the ladder to organise it and they’ll let you finish at like 12 but still get paid a full day.

Saturdays are a straight no though. It’s gotta be either when you’re meant to be at work, or immediately after.

If you get the new job will you be the boss of the woman that donned you with the seating plan? :drool:

[Giggles]

I hate the two cunts started after me so I’ve went on my last work drinks. The lockdowns have been excellent for not looking bad.

[niko_cee]

Sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement.

[Baz]

If you get the new job will you be the boss of the woman that donned you with the seating plan? :drool:Would be for a different place entirely.

She's actually done alright for herself out of Covid, bagged herself some contact tracing related job and, thankfully, fucked off out my team.

And she's not coming the wedding where everyone from work is coming, and I got lumbered with sorting the minibus so happy days. Speaking of which there's a girl from finance who your grandparents would describe as 'rum' but since working from home she's seemingly transformed into a bit of a fitty. She wasn't even invited to the wedding so I invited her (she knows the groom) and she's coming. Bonus. :chief:

[Manc]

Bonus for who exactly?

[Kikó]

Inviting work colleagues to a wedding :-/

I've got my first interview on Thursday. The hiring manager is cool though, they know I'm ill and it's more to tick the box [the seethe when I'm rejected]

[Giggles]

Sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement.

It would.

[Jimmy Floyd]

A bloke in Norfolk rang up for a water pump. Forty quid. He said great I'll take it. I said wonderful, could I take your card details. He said WHAT? I have a credit account with you. I said no, you haven't. He said I HAVE. I checked. He didn't. Last order was three years ago. Accounts lapse after two years of inactivity (pretty generous, too). I explained. He said: WHY DIDN'T I GET A LETTER? I said, a letter? He said yes, a letter. I said what would this letter say? He said it would advise me that my account has been closed. I said well, we can't spend our time doing that for all the people who don't order from us.

At this point he collapsed into what I think were actual tears. YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO ME THE COURTESY, he says, a man who did less than a thousand pounds of business with us even in his peak year of 2009. THE WAY PEOPLE GET TREATED NOW IS A DISGRACE. I said OK, can I take your card details? Then he rang off.

If you don't have forty quid, you shouldn't be in business. 'End of', as the kids say.

And, I'm telling you, heads have gone.

[Ian]

:D

Though if somebody's giving it that I'm prepared to guess they were a flouncy melt before COVID.

[Spikey M]

Mid 40's to mid 50's. Self made man. Shorter than average. Nailed on.

[niko_cee]

Not sure self made is compatible with not having 40 quid or a credit card.

[Manc]

I had a bloke (likely Yev) on the other day giving it 'this country has gone to the dogs" over a few quid. Heads HAVE gone.

[Spikey M]

Not sure self made is compatible with not having 40 quid or a credit card.

It's more than likely "THE PRINCIPLE" rather than lack of funds.

[Spikey M]

One of the managers is leaving and my manager has just spent the last half hour talking me through how best to approach getting her job.

Problem is; I don't want it. It's bad enough being under a perma-pissed alcoholic with all the people skills of a late summer wasp, never mind working along side her as an equal (not that there would be any prospect of equality. I would inherit the shit she doesn't want to do even more so than now).

It's irritating because the money would be welcome and it would mean not having to dirty my hands with evictions and court hearings, but the cons sadly outweigh that.

[Giggles]

Take it and then get her done some day she lands in pissed.

[igor_balis]

In the charity I work for now, we put a bit saying we don't send acknowledgements by default, but tick this box if you want one.

Someone who donated to the last mailing did not tick this box, and therefore did not receive an acknowledgement.

They sent us a complaint about not getting one, and upper management have decided the best approach of dealing with this is to get us to send a paper acknowledgement to all ~2500 people who donated and did not tick the box. Which is, quite obviously, going to generate far more complaints about us wasting paper etc.

I reckon if I sent a donation of a fiver anonymously with a message that I didn't like our corporate font, they'd shit their pants and hire a branding consultat

[Spikey M]

Take it and then get her done some day she lands in pissed.

We're still working from home, so I only know because she regularly phones me to slur and dribble whatever's on her mind down the phone.

Aside from turning up for a Teams Meeting she'd forgotten about pissed, I'm not sure many others know it's going on and I'm not sure it's worth the grief reporting it.

[Manc]

Bottle merchant.

[Spikey M]

She sure is.

[Manc]

:D

[Shindig]

Take it and then get her done some day she lands in pissed.

You'd be surprised how hard that is to do. If she's there and it's a known thing, one more drunken outburst won't do her in.

[Lewis]

igor got donned out of his old job by that girlboss lmao

[igor_balis]

Nah it's the same job, assuming you mean who I think you mean.

[Lewis]

I thought she had been donning you in a bank. All go, no slacking, corporate dynamos like. If you're getting bullied by some pushy sociology graduate in a charity office then I am truly appalled.

[igor_balis]

Lolz, there ain't any corporate dynamos working in bank branches, they're all doing graduate schemes in offices and shit.

And I'd rather she was bullying me than the reality, which is that she's sound, but was clearly brought in to get the big Goldberg push and I'm Igor Awesome the fat arse sniffer, losing Thunder dark matches every week.

[Ian]

https://cdn3.whatculture.com/images/2017/02/14516ef16519c95a-600x338.jpg

[Shindig]

Mike Awesome didn't deserve that gimmick. Or the one that came after. Or the early death which was probably Russo's idea as well ...

[SvN]

New member of staff starting Monday. I always forget what a fucking hassle it is hiring. Not even the recruitment part, which in itself is like pulling teeth. But once you've got a person ready to start, you've got to spend a fortune on their equipment, spend ages getting their extra subscriptions set up, getting their workspace arranged, etc.

This cunt better be worth it.

[Raoul Duke]

Half the places I've worked at do an abysmal job of getting their shit together for new starters. Like I turn up and they've not got a computer for me etc.

[Shindig]

Took me about 3 months for the DWP to approve my accesses. Imagine that shit for a dozen new starters.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Generally I find bosses love the idea of hiring but not the nitty gritty.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If anyone can get me a job where I never have to talk to anyone from the north of England again it would be much appreciated.

I'm just fed up with them.

[Spikey M]

Waitrose.

[Lofty]

They have them up here and they are full of cunts.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'll narrow it down so as to offend the fewest people on here. The problem is Yorkshire.

They are just right fucking up themselves and think they're great, whilst also thinking they are humble and down to earth. It's a proper toxic combination. At least down here we know we are cold sneering pricks.

[Kikó]

Thank you for the clarification. I was about to 'our kid' you.

Second interview today, went well. The objective was not to say something ridiculous and I think I managed it. The hiring manager wants to hire me so hopefully now it's just going through the internal mechanisms like the workers council approval, work permit etc.

[Lewis]

York-shire! York-shire! York-shire!

[SvN]

New member of staff starting Monday. I always forget what a fucking hassle it is hiring. Not even the recruitment part, which in itself is like pulling teeth. But once you've got a person ready to start, you've got to spend a fortune on their equipment, spend ages getting their extra subscriptions set up, getting their workspace arranged, etc.

This cunt better be worth it.

An hour late. "Missed the exit" on the Motorway apparently.

[Spikey M]

Working from the office today, just spent 10 minutes listening to the receptionist tell me about how she has a hat with "blondie" on it and her friend has "brownie" on hers. There was no segue into this. I need to go home.

No idea what happens if a friend with black hair enters the fray. Stay tuned for updates.

[Giggles]

An hour late. "Missed the exit" on the Motorway apparently.

Those levels of stupidity should result in an immediate termination.

[igor_balis]

Working from the office today, just spent 10 minutes listening to the receptionist tell me about how she has a hat with "blondie" on it and her friend has "brownie" on hers. There was no segue into this. I need to go home.

No idea what happens if a friend with black hair enters the fray. Stay tuned for updates.

The receptionists here are the same, you can get caught in the chitchat tornado and end up there for half an hour. It's fine though cus I'm a #manofthepeople and live for idle chat. Beats doing work.

[Shindig]

Early start tomorrow to cover for a planned power cut near me. I’m honestly looking forward to the time away from the desk.

[Luke Emia]

An hour late. "Missed the exit" on the Motorway apparently.

If I were them I would have been too embarrassed to come in.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If it was my first day at a job and the journey involved using an unfamiliar motorway, I reckon I'd leave at about 5am from the sheer fear of it all.

Also there isn't a motorway in existence (outside Cumbria, maybe) where you can't turn around at the next exit and the resulting delay is < 1 hour.

[Ian]

I may have told the story on here before about a guy who got a job in our department in my last place. He turned up late the first two days of training and for whatever reason I was in the room when one of the managers spoke to him about it and he's like, "Yeah that's just when I get here because of when I leave the house."

You could see the manager trying to process this to make sure they hadn't misunderstood. "Yeah well I guess you'll just have to leave earlier depending on your shifts. As you know from the job offer there might be shifts that start even earlier than training."
"Yeah I know but that's the time I leave the house."

I think he was gone by the end of the day.

[Lofty]

That's amazing :D My idiot mate tried a similar gambit whilst working in a call centre that his bus got him in 5 minutes late every day, and tried to argue he could work 5 minutes over at the end of the day, despite the lines being closed then. At no time did he entertain getting the earlier bus, as that would have inconvenienced him. His P45 soon followed, then his mrs took the dog and moved back to Grimsby.

[Giggles]

It gets to a stage you have to admire someone that brazen.

[Spikey M]

Fond memories of a guy at my old work apologising for being late and blaming the bus. Bacon sandwich in one hand, coffee in the other because "I can't not eat just because the bas was late".

[Shindig]

I don't remember anyone like that. We've had lads falling asleep at their desk every day (I ... was one of them. I dunno what's changed between now and then) and one woman who wouldn't leave at the end of her shift.

[Kikó]

I do enjoy not working for a place which didn't have designated start or end times. It would drive me crazy having to work to a set time.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The 5pm finish time is genuinely mental at my place. Today I was finishing off an order at 5.03pm and people were looking at me in bewilderment as they flooded out to leave.

[Disco]

I make a point of breezing out dead on 5 these days, fuck giving those grasping cunts a second more than they're paying for.

[Spikey M]

I have my mouse hovering over log out for the entirety of 16:59. I'm not wasting my own time. You're a mad man Jim.

[Kikó]

I quite enjoyed the missus call the doctor the other day at about 16:59 and they asked what's your NHS number, she said one second and in that time it hit 5pm and the line went dead. Great commitment.

[Shindig]

Ditto. I'll be logged out of everything else just ready to clock out. I only go past it if I got in late.

[Spikey M]

I quite enjoyed the missus call the doctor the other day at about 16:59 and they asked what's your NHS number, she said one second and in that time it hit 5pm and the line went dead. Great commitment.

:D

I wouldn't go that far, admittedly. Mostly because I wouldn't pick up the phone.

[Lewis]

Flexi-time. :cool:

[Ian]

That's amazing :D My idiot mate tried a similar gambit whilst working in a call centre that his bus got him in 5 minutes late every day, and tried to argue he could work 5 minutes over at the end of the day, despite the lines being closed then. At no time did he entertain getting the earlier bus, as that would have inconvenienced him. His P45 soon followed, then his mrs took the dog and moved back to Grimsby.

We had a guy who wasn't a twat, just young and idiotic, who would come running in the door at about a minute to every day and when I explained to him that sometimes it's easier to just get the earlier bus and accept five minutes less in bed he looked at me like I told him I'd just cracked cold fusion.

The thought had genuinely not occurred to him that there was a way to not get to work a sweaty wretched mess every day.

[Lewis]

Shindig

[Shindig]

I've never ran for anything, son.

[Don]

Wednesday is my last day for the month. Might do some work on the Thursday though because I'm not a mercenary. What a man.

[Lofty]

My mrs has been offered a job that seems a total upgrade on her current job, before accounting for the fact that the next staff away day is an expenses paid trip to Krakow and partners go too. Her current job you are considered an agitating marxist if you take a lunch break.

[Panda Bear]

An hour late. "Missed the exit" on the Motorway apparently.My bet is that the person was feeling extremely anxious, fiddle-faddled, freaked out a bit, then sped to your office with the motorway the best excuse they could conjure.

[Giggles]

My bet is that the person was feeling extremely anxious, fiddle-faddled, freaked out a bit, then sped to your office with the motorway the best excuse they could conjure.

Even more reason to show them the door.

[Spikey M]

If I were overly anxious I'd have been at the door about 7 hours early like Jimmy said.

[Panda Bear]

Even more reason to show them the door.Unless, you know, their first day antics were a one off and they turn out to be a good employee.

I doubt it given the motorway excuse rather than owning up to it, though.

[Giggles]

There's plenty of people who would be a good employee. I'd get one that can arrive on time the first day.

[Boydy]

Maybe he had the shits.

[Lofty]

Got a deadline for close of play today that I was already stressed about, the work going for immediate review to the execs which will no doubt get significant criticism no matter what. Naturally, my laptop has decided it won't work today :moop:

[Spikey M]

Just been speaking to a woman INCANDESCENT with rage because little Billy has turned 18, got a job paying him £1500 per month and now the Council won't pay her rent.

"I'd understand if he was my boyfriend, BUT MY SON!!!"

I don't think they're fussed about the sleeping arrangements, love.

"Well, we can't afford to pay the rent now"

What about that £1500 your son earns each month?

"YOU WANT MY SON TO PAY THE RENT?!

No. I want you to pay the rent by balancing your household finances however you see fit.

"I CAN'T ASK MY SON TO PAY THE RENT!?"

Well, atleast he'll be dressed well while you all get evicted then.



She was northern too. Not sure if she was of the Yorkshire variety, but I'm with Jimmy in needing a job where I don't have to speak to these people please.

[Baz]

Is it pretty bullshit law that just cos he lives there, she gets fisted.

[Boydy]

Yeah, I'm with Baz here. He's only just turned 18. If he went to uni, would she be asked to pay more?

[Jimmy Floyd]

It certainly incentivises him moving out and, wait for it, increasing the housing demand. Lord knows we need that.

[Boydy]

1500 a month would barely be enough for him to afford his own place too (depends where it is, I suppose). Then if his job fucks up or something, where does he go? Seems like a fast track for creating more homelessness.

[Ian]

Well she was presumably getting help because she had a dependent in the house. That is no longer the case.

It's probably shit but how else would you do it? If he decides to live there until he's 50 should he be considered to be her baby boy forever?

[Spikey M]

The problem is that she's been sat on her arse not working for 18 years. She was babbling about him having to move out at one point, before I pointed out that he'd just have to pay the rent elsewhere.

One of the main problems with the Benefit system is that by paying their claimants rent direct to landlord, they've severed any sense of the rent being the claimants responsibility. That's why when circumstances change, people would rather get taken to court when they could actually afford their rent pretty easily and have more money left over than they did when they were on benefits.

They've tried to address this with Universal Credit by paying the Housing Element direct to claimants for them to pay their own rent, but this has an obvious flaw of its own.

[Spikey M]

1500 a month would barely be enough for him to afford his own place too (depends where it is, I suppose). Then if his job fucks up or something, where does he go? Seems like a fast track for creating more homelessness.

The rent we're talking about is less than £500 per month.

[Boydy]

I think a bigger problem with the benefits system is that that money goes to a private landlord at all.

[Spikey M]

I think a bigger problem with the benefits system is that that money goes to a private landlord at all.

Council owned tents is a brave idea, I'll give you that.

[Spikey M]

It certainly incentivises him moving out and, wait for it, increasing the housing demand. Lord knows we need that.

People say this but nothing ever comes of it. For what he's paying here he'd be lucky to rent a bedroom in a sharehouse as a private rental. It would have to be private too, because he'd be bottom of any Social / Council list if they even let him on it to start with.

[Manc]

18 years unemployed is some effort. I'd be brain dead after 18 months.

[Spikey M]

Well she was presumably getting help because she had a dependent in the house. That is no longer the case.

It's probably shit but how else would you do it? If he decides to live there until he's 50 should he be considered to be her baby boy forever?

Exactly this. Plus, there's people with 5 or 6 kids. They could easily have household earnings in excess of £100k per year. Are the Council meant to just keep paying anyway?

[Boydy]

I think raising the age to 21 would be good.

[Spikey M]

Now school doesn't finish until 18, there's probably some merit to that.

It wouldn't stop issues like this, mind. Her objection is to going cap in hand to her son, not to his age. It's just a shame she doesn't object strongly enough to get a job and pay her own rent.

[igor_balis]

This kind of story always reminds me of how mental it is (I reckon) that my mum managed to achieve what she has with her financial situation.

After my dad fucked off, she took on the mortgage alone with me (aged 5) and managed to pay it off by 2017ish, despite only making it to the dizzying heights of 17k/year in about 2010. I know millions struggle but I still dunno how she managed. Shame I inherited my father's financial skills.

[Shindig]

The kid should be paying his way. £1500 a month is not a pittance.

[Lofty]

18 years unemployed is some effort. I'd be brain dead after 18 months.

It's a miracle he didn't join the family business.

[igor_balis]

Tbf despite being a massive lefty socialist snowflake, I think her rent support should at the very least be reduced.

[Lofty]

She'll definitely be taking cash off him for food etc whilst pleading poverty to Spikey.

[igor_balis]

On gut instinct I'd have it something like, if the council previously paid your rent and you have a child who is now a legal adult who's earning over X/month, you have your rent support reduced by Y when they're 18-21 or something, then reduced more as they get older.

Some nerds can work out a formula for the actual amounts.

[Spikey M]

She'll definitely be taking cash off him for food etc whilst pleading poverty to Spikey.

Definitely. I've danced this dance many times before, this one was just a special breed of entitled cunt. I'll have he bank statements next week (if she plays ball), it's going to be beautiful. I wonder if she uses Just Eat or Uber most.

[Spikey M]

On gut instinct I'd have it something like, if the council previously paid your rent and you have a child who is now a legal adult who's earning over X/month, you have your rent support reduced by Y when they're 18-21 or something, then reduced more as they get older.

Some nerds can work out a formula for the actual amounts.

Fuck that. The current rule is fine. Housing Benefit is for families that can't afford their own rent and as soon as they can, they should. Age should largely be an irrelevance. If anything her 18 year old has less on his plate now than he will at 28.

[Kikó]

Not surprised spikey is effectively a Nazi Tory

[Offshore Toon]

If she's a cunt, she's probably a shit mum. If she's a shit mum, she won't want her son paying the rent and holding all the power in the house.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Definitely. I've danced this dance many times before, this one was just a special breed of entitled cunt. I'll have he bank statements next week (if she plays ball), it's going to be beautiful. I wonder if she uses Just Eat or Uber most.
£5 on Deliveroo.

[Lofty]

Not surprised spikey is effectively a Nazi Tory

Subletting a room in a house you live in for free thanks to the welfare state is peak Tory.

[Shindig]

Fuck that. The current rule is fine. Housing Benefit is for families that can't afford their own rent and as soon as they can, they should. Age should largely be an irrelevance. If anything her 18 year old has less on his plate now than he will at 28.

:nod: My parents had me paying board when I was on the dole. They kept it at the same amount once I started working, though. Legends. And the last thing you want is to overcomplicate the welfare system.

[Foe]

Tell her to become a lorry driver or work in hospitality. Apparently there’s openings.

[Andy]

I'm with Spikey on this, he should be paying his way. I'm sure most you who are against it would change your mind if you worked in council/social housing.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Heads have gone part 80. I'm the person who orders printing supplies for our office (such jobs are distributed among the regulars so they don't have to employ an office manager). Finance department called me to get a new black cartridge for one of their printers. I went upstairs to tell her it would be a couple of days for delivery. She immediately burst into tears.

I'm telling you. Gone.

[Ian]

You monster.

[Spikey M]

What a cunt.

[Yevrah]

Heads have gone part 80. I'm the person who orders printing supplies for our office (such jobs are distributed among the regulars so they don't have to employ an office manager). Finance department called me to get a new black cartridge for one of their printers. I went upstairs to tell her it would be a couple of days for delivery. She immediately burst into tears.

I'm telling you. Gone.

Everyone believes you now I think.

There's a Woman in my office that won't come in unless she's wearing a mask (even while sat at her desk), but I found out this morning (having not seen her for a while) that she's not been in as her and her entire family have COVID having caught it while holidaying abroad (or at some point on the way there or the way back).

I mean, how the hell does being so worried about it that you insist on wearing a mask in the office at all times reconcile with going on holiday?

[Baz]

Maybe she's a victim of domestic abuse and was forced to go on holiday by her abusive partner.

[Yevrah]

Maybe she's a victim of domestic abuse and was forced to go on holiday by her abusive partner.

You are good.

[Spikey M]

Well he should be more carbon aware.

[Offshore Toon]

Maybe she's a victim of domestic abuse and was forced to go on holiday by her abusive partner.
And only terrified of catching COVID because she knows what will happen if she passes it on to her partner.

Sheeeeit, Detective Baz Boy. :cool:

[Pepe]

We got an email that included this jewel a few days ago:


XXX County is only 49% vaccinated, and cases have increased here by 220% in the last week. (https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#county-view) Also, we should assume that the Delta variant is here.

We need a mask mandate in all indoor public spaces immediately. Vaccines should be required for all employees.


Cases have indeed increased. From ~1 per day to ~3 per day. :D

This was last week. Cases are now 15% down. Time to lift all restrictions? We haven't had a single death since January.

Another one follows up with:


I understand that people are reticent to teach online again, but for those of us taking care of the unvaccinated (perhaps you have young children at home, for example) and the immunocompromised, teaching a full load indoors is an unacceptable risk.

[Pepe]

Oh, and we are required to wear masks inside again since last week (so the nutjobs won, I guess), which I have not done, since I have not run into a single person in the building for at least a month.

[Spikey M]

We got an email that included this jewel a few days ago:



Cases have indeed increased. From ~1 per day to ~3 per day. :D

This was last week. Cases are now 15% down. Time to lift all restrictions? We haven't had a single death since January.

Another one follows up with:

I know it's probably been widespread for a long time, but Covid has really shown just how little statistics can mean and how easily they can be used to paint a picture of a bullshit scenario.

That is shameless.

[Pepe]

Remember that these are people with PhDs. The first one even claims to be a SCIENTIST.

[Yevrah]

I'm telling you gents, given enough leeway they're a very real threat.

[Pepe]

We got an email that included this jewel a few days ago:



Cases have indeed increased. From ~1 per day to ~3 per day. :D

This was last week. Cases are now 15% down. Time to lift all restrictions? We haven't had a single death since January.

Another one follows up with:

The madness continues (it is funny how once August hits, all the nutjobs reappear).


Given the contagiousness of Delta regardless of vaccination status, we should also be doing surveillance testing of the vaccinated, not just the unvaccinated, on campus to control transmission.

Last year no one had a vaccine. We were required to mask, socially distance, and get tested every two weeks. Everything went fine. Now, 90%+ of us are vaccinated, yet we still need to mask, socially distance, and get tested? What did we gain, then? Fuck this shit.

[Baz]

At work we pay the sexual health service to do their work. I decided to see what we’re paying them for. I was posted a test kit to do a blood and urine sample and post it back to somewhere in Twickenham. I get to find out if I have any STIs and, ironically, pay them for the pleasure of finding out.

Squeezing blood out your own finger and into a tiny tube is solid.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Bit of DRAMA this morning as one of my closer colleagues has said she's handed in her notice. She went upstairs to the director and told him why: namely, it's a soul-destroying place to work (for her) and there is no communication to the staff, no sense of enjoyment of what we're doing, or recognition of anyone's efforts save the token Christmas bonus. Additionally she said she can get 8 more days' holiday for the same pay somewhere else, so she'd be stupid not to go.

The director responded by saying well, that's just not the way we do things around here. Then he started having a go at her and saying the prospective move is a step down, and the grass isn't always greener.

She is definitely right about the lack of communication to staff. To take an absurd example, when we moved back to smart office dress having been casual during the various lockdowns, this wasn't announced via an email to staff or anything. The director just told one person and asked him to pass it on.

Now her boss is upstairs talking to the director as they no doubt shit themselves about having to recruit. This person is basically the social glue of the whole office so I can see it falling quickly to ratshit and misery from here.

Such a brilliant atmosphere here :D

[Ian]

She is definitely right about the lack of communication to staff. To take an absurd example, when we moved back to smart office dress having been casual during the various lockdowns, this wasn't announced via an email to staff or anything. The director just told one person and asked him to pass it on.

For fuck's sake. :D I think communications in my place are bad.

[Spikey M]

My manager used to pull that shit with me, but I've told her I'm not doing it again after being suitably shot as the messenger last time and having to tell the team that I couldn't care less, I'm just passing on a message.

It's a cunts trick.

[Disco]

Same here, the director who I used to work under was suspended and they didn't even bother telling me for three weeks that he wasn't coming back. Still expected me to cover all his work though.

I may do the same as this woman soon, actually as soon as I get a reasonable offer from the stuff I've been applying for.

[Bernanke]

After faffing about for about a decade I finally wrapped up my masters and am going back to full time work again. Been in Rotterdam for 3 years almost, so it now becomes somewhat permanent since I'm not looking to leave before 2 years to avoid my CV starting to look really sketchy, so it's time to learn Dutch I suppose.

I was applying for positions a bit out of my seniority hoping I would get lucky and almost got a product owner position back in June, but they chose someone they felt could hit the ground running faster, so now I'm instead starting as an analyst working close with a PO for a software scale-up in Rotterdam. I can hopefully move towards product ownership or management rather quickly since the company is expanding pretty fast. After new years I'll move to a new apartment and have 5 minutes to the office, and the company has enough momentum that I can really focus on picking up some key skills I want to have in 3-5 years, so it's all rather promising.

I won't have access to the employee stock options until I've been there for 6 months though, which is a bit annoying when they're growing at the rate they are.