The All New Jobs Thread

[Magic]

Our Xmas party got cancelled because there's no money for it LOL.

[SvN]

Again, definitely not cost-cutting.

[Magic]

Again, definitely not cost-cutting.

100% that's what it is. Our turnover is dropping £2m in 3 years. It isn't good and an abysmal failure by our current sales team.

[Kikó]

We need figures Kikeo.

Nah. It's a nice boost though as I've just had a quote in for repairing my watch of £1500.

[Spikey M]

100% that's what it is. Our turnover is dropping £2m in 3 years. It isn't good and an abysmal failure by our current sales team.

*cough*

[SvN]

Clearly the way to improve sales figures is to sack the sales team and replace them with engineers who have zero sales experience. It sounds like your company is circling the drain.

[SvN]

So today was our final day of the financial year. Just run the numbers and the turnover projection I did in July was within 0.036%. :cool:

[Foe]

"Deliver the plan". :thbup:

[Foe]

Just got a bonus. 5.6% of my salary. Boom.

We got an update on how the company is performing today. Making absolutely shit loads, but behind target for most things.

Gonna be weird when the bonus is shite but the company has made billions. Meh.

[Magic]

Clearly the way to improve sales figures is to sack the sales team and replace them with engineers who have zero sales experience. It sounds like your company is circling the drain.

Well this month I've outsold one of the guys that's been here 10 years so...

[Giggles]

We got an update on how the company is performing today. Making absolutely shit loads, but behind target for most things.

Gonna be weird when the bonus is shite but the company has made billions. Meh.

In fairness, that's the aim of the company. Not to furnish employees with extra money.

[Magic]

Boom, and another. That puts me 2nd overall. Not bad for a shite engineer eh?

[Boydy]

We got an update on how the company is performing today. Making absolutely shit loads, but behind target for most things.

Gonna be weird when the bonus is shite but the company has made billions. Meh.

Welcome to capitalism.

P.s. join a union.

[Spikey M]

Fuck unions.

A while back they offered the entirety of my department (nationally) a 9% raise over 3 years, but wanted to extend the working week from 37 to 40 hours, add weekend working, cut overtime rates etc. Anyway, it was a shit deal, but it was parked in front of the Unions for them to vote on whether to accept it of not. What fucking business is it of theirs if I want to accept or not? Fuck ‘em.

[Kikó]

You elect unions to represent you in wage negotiations. That's their business.

[Lewis]

They're largely pointless these days owing to their complete lack of balls. Say what you want about the train drivers, but they scam their 'safety concerns' magnificently.

[Boydy]

'their complete lack of balls'

Let's not forget who neutered them.

[Boydy]

http://www.jwj.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/140220_unionsprosperity.png

https://i.huffpost.com/gen/1359800/original.jpg

[Lewis]

All the eighties reforms ever did was make unions more accountable and democratic. If their power depended upon them being a bent racket then it was pretty baseless.

[Baz]

Unions are too expensive, considering they don't do anything 99% of the time.

[Spikey M]

You elect unions to represent you in wage negotiations. That's their business.

You might. I don’t. I’m not a member.

[Shindig]

They come good once a year for pay reviews but we've got enough members to bleat on about that for the rest of us. And then they moan about, "Well, I think you shouldn't be entitled to it if you're not a member."

[Baz]

One thing I was asked to do at work was to contact a shedload of companies asking for “prizes” that would be given out at the end of a twelve month long campaign. Most of them haven’t bothered getting back to me (I sent about 50 e-mails) but today in the post I received a two-for-one voucher at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. For reference, to buy one wristband online it costs £28, so it’s effectively worth £28, I guess.

Turns out the campaign isn’t going to run anymore so no prizes are required. Nobody else has seen this voucher. Should I just keep it? :uhoh:

There’s probably a 50/50 chance that if I mention it to the person who asked me to sort out the prizes, she’d just say keep it, but why run the risk.

It expires in November 2019. I could quite easily plan a day sesh next Summer with my mate that involves going on The Big One ten times. Hmm.

Or I could be honest and hand this one over, in the hope that something better turns up. Or I could just keep all the prizes that come in. Decisions, decisions.

Anyone wanna buy it for £15? :baz:

[Spikey M]

Fucking scousers. :face:

[Ian]

If its a prize that takes you to Blackpool I'd be glad to have it taken off my hands.

[Shindig]

I won a £10 Sainsburys voucher at work today. I'm happy with that.

[igor_balis]

i won a bottle of cheap cava for being colleague of the month, have that you cunts.

[phonics]

Had my annual review today which was a mixed bag. Best summed up by this paragraph of my review

"As noted in attached HR notes, phonics has struggled with some lack of professionalism scattered throughout the year,which has been his biggest setback. This included not showing up for work at times. However, he has since moved on beyond this and proven himself a reliable colleague that can be counted on to deliver quality work and visionary ideas."

Got a promotion and a 25% pay bump at the end of said meeting.

[Foe]

Had my annual review today which was a mixed bag. Best summed up by this paragraph of my review

"As noted in attached HR notes, phonics has struggled with some lack of professionalism scattered throughout the year,which has been his biggest setback. This included not showing up for work at times. However, he has since moved on beyond this and proven himself a reliable colleague that can be counted on to deliver quality work and visionary ideas."

Got a promotion and a 25% pay bump at the end of said meeting.

Hire Boydy.

Ps congrats. I'll take a PS4 plz.

[Mazuuurk]

Had my annual review today which was a mixed bag. Best summed up by this paragraph of my review

"As noted in attached HR notes, phonics has struggled with some lack of professionalism scattered throughout the year,which has been his biggest setback. This included not showing up for work at times. However, he has since moved on beyond this and proven himself a reliable colleague that can be counted on to deliver quality work and visionary ideas."

Got a promotion and a 25% pay bump at the end of said meeting.


Maybe introducing yourself as "phonics" is hampering your air of professionalism somewhat.

25% seems an insane wage hike though so good on ya.

[Pepe]

Should celebrate with a little trip somewhere nice. Spain maybe?

[Magic]

Should celebrate with a little trip somewhere nice. Spain maybe?

http://25.media.tumblr.com/3fa3815a9bd0f4666e8ffac025cb7fb9/tumblr_mvnnp5OEB51s3figho1_500.gif

[Boydy]

Hire Boydy.
What?

[phonics]

Should celebrate with a little trip somewhere nice. Spain maybe?

Please, I'm on the verge of confirming tickets to a 2 week Tokyo/Seoul trip :cool:

[Shindig]

Well, I can't wait to hear about that several more times.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Sushi anyone?

[Ian]

These dickheads are lucky I'm not the sort to down tools or go on the sick now my notice is in because this week is a proper understaffed shitfest entirely caused by managerial ineptitude.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Thank you for applying for the position of Data Analyst Support Officer HCC11075, we are delighted to confirm that you have been invited for an interview.

Hmmm.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Do it.

I just had the following phone call with the regional manager.

Me: 'Hello?'
Him: 'Pedro Bravo is a cunt. He can fuck off.'
Me: 'Who's Pedro Bravo?'
Him: 'Dunno, but he's a cunt.'
*line goes dead*

This industry is so great for shall we say 'direct communication'.

[Spikey M]

Managed to get my new job to let me start in January so I will have nearly 3 weeks off over Christmas and New Year before starting there. :drool:

[Magic]

I hate my industry.

OpenReach are absolutely fucking horrible.

[Disco]

Everyone hates your industry because you're all useless.

[Ian]

OpenReach ARE the worst though. Unless you have the misfortune to deal with the ironically named Reliance over in Bangalore.

[Boydy]

Fucked up a UAT release today which was being done for some bug fixes. Not even sure the bug's been properly fixed even when I did get the release working in the end.

:baz:

Starting to dislike my job again though. The most senior guy below the manager on my team is a bit of a prick and the project manager's quite annoying too - one day she can be all matey with you and the next she's really off. Also, there's not enough coding. I fucking hate devops.

Although this starting to dislike it again coincides with me tapering off my ADs so maybe it's that. Who fucking knows.

[Raoul Duke]

It'll probably take you a couple of jobs to find your groove - nothing really to worry about. As long as you're learning stuff then it's worth sticking with.

[Magic]

Sounds like your not cut out for it Boyd (quelle surprise).

[Kikó]

Fucked up a UAT release today which was being done for some bug fixes. Not even sure the bug's been properly fixed even when I did get the release working in the end.

:baz:

Starting to dislike my job again though. The most senior guy below the manager on my team is a bit of a prick and the project manager's quite annoying too - one day she can be all matey with you and the next she's really off. Also, there's not enough coding. I fucking hate devops.

Although this starting to dislike it again coincides with me tapering off my ADs so maybe it's that. Who fucking knows.

Why?

[Boydy]

It's boring. I like coding, I want to code.

[Pepe]

It's boring. I like coding, I want to code.

https://triplebyte.com/

[Boydy]

https://triplebyte.com/

Looks good, that. Cheers. Bookmarked it for the future.

EDIT: It's only for US jobs. Booo.

[Baz]

I'm doing some "writing for the web" e-learning module for work and it's making me question my entire posting history.


One to ten, 11 upwards, 11 to 20 etc , for example:
‘You have the choice of two appointment times’
‘We have 14 Customer Service lines’
‘We can see groups of no fewer than 4 and no more than 12 people’ or
'We can see groups of no fewer than four and no more than 12 people' - remain consistent

I'd write twenty-six, not 26, cos it's a sentence not a calculation. Wrong, apparently.

Also:
9:00am, 5:30pm - Always use the 12 hour clock and add am and/or pm
Ney. 14:40 is just as clear as 2:40pm. And why's it pm and not PM? F you!

[Danny]

That last one makes it sound like it’s directed at an American audience. The amount of people that have asked “why do you use military time?” When seeing my phone screen astounds me.

[Spikey M]

I had to do a e-learning module on diversity a while back. It featured a question asking if Kim Joy Xin's manager was being inappropriate when he asked her to make some Crispy Duck for the team.

I lol'd for about 5 minutes.

[Spikey M]

That last one makes it sound like it’s directed at an American audience. The amount of people that have asked “why do you use military time?” When seeing my phone screen astounds me.

Thank you for your service.

[Lewis]

I had to do a e-learning module on diversity a while back. It featured a question asking if Kim Joy Xin's manager was being inappropriate when he asked her to make some Crispy Duck for the team.

I lol'd for about 5 minutes.

I have been skipping the slideshows on those and passing the exams by just answering them like a complete whopper would.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

As part of the interview process, you will be asked to make a presentation. The presentation should last no longer than 5 minutes and can be in any format that you feel appropriate (hard copy document, PowerPoint presentation. A projector and laptop will be made available. An electronic copy must be sent by 20.11.2018 This will be followed by some questions from the interviewing panel.

Presentation:

Why is data quality important to adult social care and how could you improve it?

For fucks sake.

[SvN]

Please livestream your presentation.

[John]

It'd be like one of those time-lapse videos of a snowman melting.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Please livestream your presentation.

I'm actually alright at presentations (I've had to do quite a few tbh and always gotten good feedback), can't be fucked with this subject matter though.

I just wanted a piss easy, but boring data entry job where I could just focus on the work and not have to bother with bullshit.

[Lewis]

I feel like 'any format that you feel appropriate' offers a world of possibilities.

*unfolds a battered, sweat-soaked piece of paper from his pocket*
'I'm the da... Data inputter and I'm here today
To improve adult care 'cros... ACross, sorry. No. Wait. Adult care 'cross the U...'
'.....'
'U-fucking-K.'
'.....'
*slowly backs out of the room*

[Baz]

I am bad at presentations. But I think thats cos I’ve never done a presentation in my life where I’ve cared about the subject matter.

So yeah good luck.

[Ian]

in any format that you feel appropriate

Interpretive dance it is!

[SvN]

I'm okay at them 95% of the time. But every now and then, I'll start a sentence and have no idea where it's going. This will lead to me rambling incoherently for about 30 seconds before I try and bring it back around. I can't seem to completely knock it on the head.

[Shindig]

I just wanted a piss easy, but boring data entry job where I could just focus on the work and not have to bother with bullshit.

Sorry, mate. That sector's full.

[Magic]

MAN on fire these past few days. Top of the board so far this month.

[Offshore Toon]

I have been skipping the slideshows on those and passing the exams by just answering them like a complete whopper would.

Yeah, there are always enough clues in the questions and answers to pass the exams without reading anything. It's all such a load of bollocks.

[Spikey M]

Why would you skip an hour long doss?

[igor_balis]

Most of our internal training is listed as being 30-45 minutes and can be skipped through in about 5, and generally you can pass the tests by just quickly skim reading the answers, or even picking the answer which is biggest if it's much bigger than the other ones. All my colleagues are pretty articulate and smart in the context of just chatting bollocks (except the one who exclaimed "WHY WOULD YOU NAME A KID AFTER A CONTINENT IN GREECE", when it was revealed our colleague's girlfriend's son was called Aphrodite which has so much to unpick) but you can see why they weren't particularly accomplished academically when they end up having to retake half the tests 5 times.

I considered that they were donning me and deliberately failing to avoid doing proper work, but I saw my TOTALLY NOT STUPID mate doing a question that was pretty much like "a man comes into the bank and asks for an overdraft, do you A have a shit B order a pizza C check if he's eligible for one then sit him down with an adviser if he is or D call him a cunt and tell him to fuck off" and she was like WHAT IS IT IGOR? THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT! I think some people's brains must just malfunction when stuff is presented as an exam or something.

[Ian]

There are definitely people at work who would ask me to confirm a question like that for them.

"It says here I have to [do thing] next... so do I [do previously specified thing]???"

Yes, fuck off.

[Magic]

Lol Gamma having a UK wide outage today has been fun.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The new twat has been loudly explaining the difference between banana and banoffee for the last 5 minutes. Really want to shove a camshaft up his arse. I think he's the most high maintenance individual I've ever come across. Constant need for fucking attention. Just do your work ffs.

[Baz]

Sign him up.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He makes you seem like Keith from The Office.

[Shindig]

(except the one who exclaimed "WHY WOULD YOU NAME A KID AFTER A CONTINENT IN GREECE", when it was revealed our colleague's girlfriend's son was called Aphrodite which has so much to unpick)

Aye, I mean ... that's ... not even the right gender. To link this back to Jimmy's fun tractor times, we were recently invited to a preview event for Farming Simulator 19. We can never make these things usually due to actual day jobs but I want to get one stupid preview event under my belt before the industry sees sense and stops bothering.

[igor_balis]

Aye, I mean ... that's ... not even the right gender. To link this back to Jimmy's fun tractor times, we were recently invited to a preview event for Farming Simulator 19. We can never make these things usually due to actual day jobs but I want to get one stupid preview event under my belt before the industry sees sense and stops bothering.

oh fuck it was artistotle, oops. at least someone is actually reading my shit posts

[Pepe]

:face:

[Ian]

A guy at work had previously been spotted going into the disabled loo with his phone and a tub of something or other after turning the light OFF. Today j spotted him doing the same with his phone and a box of screen wipes.

[Spikey M]

Why wouldn't you take your phone with you?

And, if having a shawshank, why not just use toilet roll?

[Pepe]

Maybe he just wants to keep his phone clean.

[Ian]

Why not use the toilet roll and keep the light on?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Toilet roll leaves fluff on the phone.

[SvN]

Big scare this past month that our biggest client was going to no longer need our services, due to outside factors. Had word today that we're probably 95% okay, but it's been an awful few weeks while I try and scramble together some sort of plan if it goes tits up. We'd be talking redundancies, dividends being cancelled and bonuses scrapped. Made me realise how vulnerable we are as a company, and it's made me completely change my priorities and focus for the next year.

[Magic]

Pulled in over 4k pretax this month. :cool:

[Pepe]

Severance?

[Spikey M]

Who looks at their pre-tax income? :harold:

[Magic]

£1,548.89

Paid in tax. :(

[SvN]

It'll be even less once the child support payments start.

[phonics]

They've started selling Red Bull in the vending machine downstairs at work. It's literally twice the price of the shop that's a 10 minute round trip, but it is cold so I think I'm going to take the financial hit.

Also accidentally printed off my Twitter mentions instead of the PDF I was meant to, earlier.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Red Bull tastes like piss.

[SvN]

If your piss tastes like Red Bull then you need to take a serious look at your diet.

[Magic]

SvN will love this, the self-righteous cunt.

No big investments for the rest of the FY (so no company car renewals).

Then we get the news the head of sales has been sacked. LOL.

Finally some good news.

[Panda Bear]

Please look for a new job.

[Magic]

Yeah I know, however now that fuckwit is gone I feel so much more optimistic about my future.

[Boydy]

You could be the new head of sales.

[Magic]

Absolutely not!

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Assistant to the regional manager would suit him.

[Boydy]

Met someone from a start-up the other day about a job. Meant to have an interview tomorrow. When I was emailing him after our initial meeting to confirm the interview, I asked what the salary was. He won't disclose it and just said 'dependant on experience and we'll discuss it on Friday'. I hate this shit. Just fucking be up front about it. Not sure I can be arsed with the interview at all now.

[phonics]

It's a trick to use what you don't know against you. Do they already have VC funding? If they do, ask for something ridiculous and see how they respond.

[SvN]

Yeah, not disclosing even a salary range is such a red flag.

Magic, in all seriousness, I do hope you're properly job hunting, because your company is going to collapse at some point. Might be in a month or might be in 2 years, but it looks doomed from what you've said.

[phonics]

Enjoy dealing with them Boydy. I had to start refusing to work with anyone who even introduced their idea as a startup. Every one of them could be from clientsfromhell.com

Huge expectations, no budget and a high opinion of the smell of their own farts. Just the worst people.

[Magic]

Yeah, not disclosing even a salary range is such a red flag.

Magic, in all seriousness, I do hope you're properly job hunting, because your company is going to collapse at some point. Might be in a month or might be in 2 years, but it looks doomed from what you've said.

I'm honing my skills and building a network, if nothing else.

I would have agreed with you, but now serious action has been taken at the front end I honestly think we'll see a huge improvement throughout the business.

EDIT: obligatory 'hope it's not too late lol'

[Kikó]

Met someone from a start-up the other day about a job. Meant to have an interview tomorrow. When I was emailing him after our initial meeting to confirm the interview, I asked what the salary was. He won't disclose it and just said 'dependant on experience and we'll discuss it on Friday'. I hate this shit. Just fucking be up front about it. Not sure I can be arsed with the interview at all now.

Look them up on Crunchbase.

[Boydy]

Yeah, not disclosing even a salary range is such a red flag.

Magic, in all seriousness, I do hope you're properly job hunting, because your company is going to collapse at some point. Might be in a month or might be in 2 years, but it looks doomed from what you've said.

Yeah, it sounded like it could be very good experience and somewhere I could learn a lot but then again it might fail. The commute is a ballache conpared to my current job.

The not even disclosing a range has really put me off though. Was tempted to just tell him to shove it up his arse when he replied with that.

[Boydy]

Look them up on Crunchbase.

What's it? They only have 5 staff and he's the only technical guy there so I doubt they'll have any salary infonif it's something like glassdoor

[Spikey M]

He'll probably be offering shit wages with shares in the company, or a salary based around the success of the company. I couldn't be fucked with it if it was me.

[Pepe]

Might as well buy some lottery tickets.

[Baz]

Yeah, "competitive" really annoyed me. The job I got was upfront about the salary packages from day 1. :)

[Jimmy Floyd]

My job was weird for that. It was advertised as X, at interview they asked me what I wanted, I plucked a higher figure out of the air, and they offered me that. Keep thinking I should have stuck another £5k on.

[Mellberg]

400 more going :face:

[Kikó]

What's it? They only have 5 staff and he's the only technical guy there so I doubt they'll have any salary infonif it's something like glassdoor

Just fucking type it into Google and see you lazy cunt.

[Boydy]

Just fucking type it into Google and see you lazy cunt.

I was walking down the street at lunch time when I posted that. I looked after. It's not particularly useful.

[Magic]

The monthly (lol) sales meeting won't be featuring our inept leader, as we all decide how we're going to split all the good shit up he'd been keeping to himself.

This cunt was responsible for 8 years of shite in shite out so cannot fucking wait until he's gone. Prick made our lives so hard in engineering so really good to see our plan coming off.

[phonics]

My job won't stop giving me work to do but keeps compensating me with holidays that I can't take because I've got too much work to do.

Due to an event I did for them they just gave me 3 days holiday that needs to be used before the end of the year. I'm already on vacation from next week for a month.

So instead they converted all my temp-holiday days to over-ride the holiday days I've already taken. This works out that I now have... 29 days of vacation left. This is madness.

[Magic]

I've got to chose between a £500 a month drop in salary and double commission.

WYYD?

[Boydy]

Find a new job.

[SvN]

What's the second choice?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

What's the second choice?

Sacked.

[Magic]

What's the second choice?

Same wage and same commission as the other guys.

[phonics]

Yearly Holiday Entitlement :

30






Carry-over last year :

18.5



Total leave:

48.5











Total holiday taken current year :
19.5



Balance after requests :
29


Balance after approval :
29





I mean really.

[Pepe]

Just gtfo today and don't come back until next year then.

[Magic]

Put it this way, I will get £2,350 in commission from November sales. It would have been half that, + £500 (£1,6750) had I been on the old model.

The beauty of that is I hardly sold anything really.

[phonics]

Just gtfo today and don't come back until next year then.

Im off next week for a month.

[Baz]

Why are you even asking? Double commission means you'll end up getting paid more anyway, so do that.

Just make sure they stipulate it isn't capped.
Magic obvs

[Jimmy Floyd]

Why are you even asking? Double commission means you'll end up getting paid more anyway, so do that.

Just make sure they stipulate it isn't capped.
Magic obvs

What it actually means is they're desperately trying to slash payroll. At best it's an accounting trick.

[Magic]

Why are you even asking? Double commission means you'll end up getting paid more anyway, so do that.

Just make sure they stipulate it isn't capped.
@Magic (https://www.thethirdhalf.co.uk/member.php?u=47) obvs

It isn't capped, and there are multiplies too, so in theory if I have an AMAZING month I could get 500% more, which would be 10x what the other guys get for the same sales.

[SvN]

They've timed this beautifully too, on the back of a good month for you. So all you're thinking is how amazing it would be to earn more for months like this.

What about the months where you earn fuck all? What if the company suddenly puts their prices up and your sales plummet? Can you return to your existing pay model?

[Magic]

They've timed this beautifully too, on the back of a good month for you. So all you're thinking is how amazing it would be to earn more for months like this.

What about the months where you earn fuck all? What if the company suddenly puts their prices up and your sales plummet? Can you return to your existing pay model?

It wasn't a good month.

[SvN]

Why were you wanking about your pay then?

[Magic]

Why were you wanking about your pay then?

Because it was good for me. If I had a 'good' month you'd be talking at least 5k. If I get the one I'm working on now and hit a multiplier I'd be getting 5K in Jan's pay. That means I'd have to sell nothing for about 4 months (after tax) and break even still.

[Manc]

At what stage in a new job do the people become tolerable?

[SvN]

Because it was good for me. If I had a 'good' month you'd be talking at least 5k. If I get the one I'm working on now and hit a multiplier I'd be getting 5K in Jan's pay. That means I'd have to sell nothing for about 4 months (after tax) and break even still.

Well "good" is subjective, isn't it? What makes you think you're going to ever get near those higher figures?

[Pepe]

It is nice that there are some companies out there that want to give their employees more money for no reason whatsoever. Magic should be grateful.

[Magic]

Well "good" is subjective, isn't it? What makes you think you're going to ever get near those higher figures?

My channel is about to considerably grow on Wednesday. I'm actually amazed I've got what I've got given I've hardly had any training, have no sales experience at all, and only have about 3 partners to work with. I've had 1 lead from the website direct that I managed to convert, and 1 from another BDM that I managed to convert that they couldn't after 4 months. The day of the wide-boy sales guy in comms is absolutely numbered. People want to talk to people that know what they are on about and that care. Good times.

[Magic]

At what stage in a new job do the people become tolerable?

Never. If they are intolerable now they will always be intolerable. You either get on or you don't.

[Pepe]

The day you gun them down.

Just kidding, FBI lads. :wave:

[Shindig]

Our boss is in tomorrow for a talk about the future of the businesses on the site. Two of which are quite fucked. Hopefully some good gossip comes from it.

[igor_balis]

Customer came in and kicked off at my colleague today.

"I want to make a complaint, it says I have to make room on my phone to update the app!"

"...yeah, you'll need to delete some stuff first"

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO DELETE ANYTHING"

She ended up leaving in a huff when my colleague suggested getting a memory card. This twat was early 30s tops, how the fuck can you be that stupid?

Also had our daily routine of a Romanian come in and say "LOOK AT THIS TRANSACTION IT WASN'T ME IT'S FRAUD I WANT MONEY BACK", when it's quite clearly something they've bought online and not noticed the (not so)small-print saying that it's a free trial for some shite that will then cost a million quid a month after the trial period ends or whatever. It's a tough one because I do feel sorry for them as English ain't their first language, but I'd rather when we explain it's a free trial thing their attitude is more "oh woops, my mistake, please can you help me", instead of doubling down and getting arsey.

I do have more sympathy for them than the dopey English twats claiming Amazon are illegally taking money from their accounts. It's ALWAYS an Amazon Prime subscription and 99% of the time the conversation will go something like

"yeah, it's a prime subscription, you will have signed up for the free trial which then starts taking money"
"NO I DIDN'T"
"did you buy anything off Amazon recently?"
"yes"
"did you get quick free shipping for it?"
"yes"
"did you read anything it said about a prime subscription when you did it?"
"..."

It's quite often fairly articulate people in their 20s and 30s as well. FML

[phonics]

I do have more sympathy for them than the dopey English twats claiming Amazon are illegally taking money from their accounts. It's ALWAYS an Amazon Prime subscription and 99% of the time the conversation will go something like

"yeah, it's a prime subscription, you will have signed up for the free trial which then starts taking money"
"NO I DIDN'T"
"did you buy anything off Amazon recently?"
"yes"
"did you get quick free shipping for it?"
"yes"
"did you read anything it said about a prime subscription when you did it?"
"..."

It's quite often fairly articulate people in their 20s and 30s as well. FML

Friend of mine has worked at a call center for thetrainline.com for years now. If you book tickets through them, the first time you sign up for an account you get a small discount on that ticket you ordered like it was a bookies offering free bets or whatever. What no-one actually reads is that this then signs you up to a yearly trainline.com subscription.

His job is to cancel it as soon as they complain about it and say tough shit on the refund. They'll have got 4.50 off their ticket and ended up paying at least 10x that before they noticed. They're making enough off this to pay for call centers in Switzerland to deal with their complaints.

That's a £18 p/h complaint they can apparently afford.

[SvN]

I don't think they offer that in the UK.

[Shindig]

Apparently the boss's thing this morning was him going large about profits. Meanwhile I was taking a call from a claimant who exclaimed, "Why can't you guys just talk to each other instead of sending me off for three different assessments for three different benefits?"

[phonics]

I don't think they offer that in the UK.

Yeah it's a specific thing you do when booking from abroad. The sort of shit easyjet makes you hit skip 5 times when booking a flight. Do you need insurance? Do you need a hotel? etc. It's all really dodgy.

[Lewis]

Us over-worked civil servants are getting the afternoon off tomorrow whilst the building gets sprayed for silverfish. :cool:

[phonics]

One day my boss will realise that her inability to ever approve anything without several rounds of tedious back and forth while you guess what she wants is why I'm the only person on this team here longer than a year.

[Ian]

First day on Engineer duty today. Have to traipse down to London for my induction. I didn't know engineering was going to be this hard.

[phonics]

They've updated Photoshop and it's a fucking mess. Everything is backwards, half the stuff doesn't work, I couldn't cut and paste text in a text box ffs. The InDesign update was great but the Photoshop update is so wank I've had to uninstall it and go back to version 19.

This is a 7.3 billion dollar a year company, how do they fuck it up so badly?

[SvN]

I think you're on about the update from a few weeks ago. Is that where the undo shortcut has changed?

[phonics]

I think you're on about the update from a few weeks ago. Is that where the undo shortcut has changed?

That was version 20 which was bad but this is version 20.0.1 which is somehow worse.

[Magic]

Obviously my choice between double comish and lower wage or same wage and standard comish just got a bit harder.

[Spikey M]

Do you have 'benefits' such as buying shopping vouchers pre-tax etc? If so, I would be doing that to make your take home pay as low as possible.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had my review today (after waiting outside for 20 minutes listening to the big boss take my line manager to pieces, which wasn't too much fun).

Anyway, after a load of fluff about how good I am he said 'Average company raise this year is 2%, but your manager has recommended 8% for you'. Now I'm a novice at these things as the Koreans did self reviews only and you took what you were told with no discussion. So should I have negotiated?

I didn't, because I thought the raise was fair, and the guy is 80 years old and a proper Jewish patriarch, but should I have done? I'm sure 2% raises is horseshit.

[Magic]

Do you have 'benefits' such as buying shopping vouchers pre-tax etc? If so, I would be doing that to make your take home pay as low as possible.

Nope. I'm going to pay her exactly what the CSA recommends, so you can look at it like I pay the mortgage or I pay £350 a month + £250 towards the mortgage.

[Spikey M]

I had my review today (after waiting outside for 20 minutes listening to the big boss take my line manager to pieces, which wasn't too much fun).

Anyway, after a load of fluff about how good I am he said 'Average company raise this year is 2%, but your manager has recommended 8% for you'. Now I'm a novice at these things as the Koreans did self reviews only and you took what you were told with no discussion. So should I have negotiated?

I didn't, because I thought the raise was fair, and the guy is 80 years old and a proper Jewish patriarch, but should I have done? I'm sure 2% raises is horseshit.

Seems decent to me, but I am a Civil Servant. 1.5% is the best I've had (without changing role)

Next Friday is my last day in this dump. :drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Obv the private sector has actual payrises rather than the government reluctantly allowing you to continue feeding your kids.

[Spikey M]

Never again Jim. Never again.

[Pepe]

My guess is that the standard raise is 10% and he just mind gamed the fuck out of you.

[Kikó]

I have no idea what raise I'll be getting (if any) until the new year - around the time bonuses are discussed. I've had a good few months here so hoping to continue.

Shame the media news is so desperate.

[Shindig]

Mine's been all over the place. I missed my first rise due to my start date, got 2% the next year and then this year saw a massive £1.5k rise. Plus the working wage has stepped in with a couple of rises so I've gone up four grand since I started in 2015.

[Lewis]

I think I got that 1.5% or whatever payrise in my wages the other month. I told them I should be paid more when I had my three month review and they just laughed it off, so maybe I have to build a case against all the twats still getting their London weighting for doing nothing.

[Ian]

Last job I had you had to wait for the general wage for your role across the business to go up which basically never happened. Dunno what this new lot will be like but even a paltry payrise will be better than "Fuck all, ever" so fingers crossed.

[Baz]

You got a raise. Be happy about it.

[Shindig]

I think I'd hate working with Lewis.

[Boydy]

Had a review today with the team lead and his second in command. Was told I've been doing really well so that was nice.

One of my favourite people in the office (and the team) is leaving though which is a bit crap. He'll be gone by the end of next week when his Christmas leave is taken into consideration.

Also heard my manager (the aforementioned team lead) bitching about our project/client this morning to someone else and saying he wants to move to something else (like a different client team within the company) once the current project is done for this client. That'll be around April, I think. It might just be him letting off steam but it'll shit if he does move to a different team as he's really sound.

[Raoul Duke]

A 2% pay rise isn't actually a pay rise, once you take inflation into account. 8% is good, but implies they weren't paying you fairly to start with/you're smashing it.

I've got a trip to NYC in the new year and then LA around my birthday :cool:

[phonics]

They've replaced the sugar bowl at work with sugar packets that seem to be the weakest sugar of all time. I plopped like 4 of them in there and my tea tastes like a 1 spooner.

[Baz]

#firstworldprobs

[Jimmy Floyd]

My colleague just related to me with a face like a pig in shit how last night he saw Barry Chuckle in Woking town centre, standing outside the theatre. Doing a panto gig there all month, he says.

I didn't have the strength to break it to him, so I just smiled and walked away.

[Kikó]

I had a senior director beeline towards me last night and say she knows who I am. Didn't listen to a word I said after it but still, the compliment was nice.

(night because it was christmas drinks)

[Spikey M]

Sounds like a threat tbh.

[Lewis]

Sounds like your office has a phantom shitter.

[Kikó]

I bet it is her.

[Kikó]

You sound like a proper bell.

[igor_balis]

Guess where I'm working today, Lewis

[Boydy]

Rugby.

[Spikey M]

Your name is Steve, you cunt.

[Lewis]

Somewhere with one more twat in it than usual.

[randomlegend]

I was the only person in the hospital responsible for surgical admissions last Friday and had no senior support as they were all in theatre. Good stuff.

[igor_balis]

Somewhere with one more twat in it than usual.

Correct.

https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48362955_10161120001280384_790231384978358272_n.jp g?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&oh=e66d145f0b0cab799962d8dba0d0bf41&oe=5C924CA9

[Ian]

So I've been in this new job a week and as well as things working out such that I'm now off for a fortnight the managers have between them given me for Christmas a bottle of red wine, 3 bottles of craft beer and a box of Green and Blacks chocolate.

Engineering. :cool:

[Giggles]

I spent most of today delivering bottles to customers. Must have gave out at least 25 in total, though 10 were to one place.
That said, between one thing and another I've definitely finally set myself on getting something new in the new year. It's a class job in a lot of ways but the bad parts just have my head melted.

[Disco]

I'm off until the 7th. :cool:

[Shindig]

Christmas Eve now has potentially more faff. Good job that's a three-day week.

[Baz]

So I've been in this new job a week and as well as things working out such that I'm now off for a fortnight the managers have between them given me for Christmas a bottle of red wine, 3 bottles of craft beer and a box of Green and Blacks chocolate.

Engineering. :cool:Yeah I got presents off my boss and off her boss, on top of my secret santa present off a colleague. Not used to working with nice people after my last job of working for absolute dickheads.

Also still feels very strange not only not hating work, but actually enjoying spending my day there. :uhoh:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I got a bottle of rioja from one of my Spanish customers, mailed straight from Getafe. I'd love to say we sent them a box of custard creams or something in return but sadly I don't believe we did.

[Shindig]

Buckfast, maybe?

[SvN]

Had a 3 month review for our new junior today. It was almost entirely positive, and despite coming to us with pretty much fuck all knowledge, she's already blasted past the guy she replaced (the pleb I sacked in July). It's amazing how much difference a decent work ethic can make, even to technical roles.

The only downside is that the work for her is drying up a bit because we've been getting more technical, back-end heavy projects the last 6 months. I think she could be a real star striker in future though, so I'll keep her around even if it means keeping her busy on internal stuff. If anything, I just hope she doesn't get bored and start looking elsewhere.

[Magic]

Pulled in 5k this month (3 after tax).

[SvN]

Well done, is this typically a good time for sales, or is it fairly even throughout the year?

[Spikey M]

Last day as a Civil Servant tomorrow. :drool:

[Shindig]

Our share buying site opened. Glad I avoided it last year. The value's been halved since then. Suppose it offers a decent entry price but even the previous spikes don't offer much in a return.

[Magic]

Well done, is this typically a good time for sales, or is it fairly even throughout the year?

Not particularly, ups and down throughout the year. The big deals especially can take months to close.

So that was basically £2,000 basic and £1,000 commission post-tax.

Next month I'll be £1,500 basic so will need to get at least £500 commission to make it worthwhile, and anything over and above that is a bonus. I could have kept my wage...but I have been moved to double commission instead.

That wasn't a particularly good month either. This month has been awful. Currently sitting on £150 pre-tax...

[Lewis]

This is a serious question rather than lolling at you, but how does an irregular income like that alter the money you will have to stump up post-divorce? Will it flow with your wages, or could you end up short at the end of some months?

[Magic]

There's no solicitors involved so it's an honest and open arrangement.

I'll have her just as much as she will.

[Shindig]

Well, that's ... brave.

[phonics]

There's no solicitors involved so it's an honest and open arrangement.

I'll have her just as much as she will.

None of my business but keep one on retainer. Just from what you've presented to us it doesn't seem she's the most honest upfront person.

[Magic]

I'm sending all my extra money in ti my dad's account.

[phonics]

I'm sending all my extra money in ti my dad's account.

Keep all transfers to 999 or under to stop them from getting flagged.

[Giggles]

Who's back tomorrow?

:boydy: :boydy: :boydy: :boydy: :boydy:

[Boydy]

Yep. :(

[Shindig]

Aye. At least it's a day shift.

[Giggles]

I'm going to go in at 7 to get the heating back on and get settled in and relaxed before anyone else lands at half 8. I uninstalled Outlook from my phone so I can read through all the bullshit while nailing multiple coffees if they remembered to seal the beans up properly on the last day.

[Baz]

Me. But I don't mind. :)

[Giggles]

I want to go home.


https://media.giphy.com/media/wViS9n0RqN2/giphy.gif

[Spikey M]

Starting my new job today on about 4 hours sleep. Yay.

[Baz]

My out of office message went to 8 people apparently. :huhu:

[Boydy]

How many of them clicked on the affiliate links in it?

[Offshore Toon]

What's the best way to move around these days? LinkedIn?

[Baz]

I used this (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rick-Astley-sensationelles-Album-Jahren/dp/B007I0C59E/).

[Pepe]

Got my student evaluations today. Lol at five students thinking they were getting A's (only one did). :harold:

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

What did they other 4 get?

[Lewis]

Donned.

[Pepe]

I don't see who chose what, so I don't know, but probably B's, unless they are really deluded.

[Lewis]

Department-wide junk aside, I returned, after three weeks away, to one e-mail today. :cool:

[Spikey M]

My new work colleagues seem like a good lot. I work in a team of 6 and my favourite 2 are:

Giggles: Well, he's an often dour Irishman with a dry sense of humour. He's pretty cool.

and

Igor: Well, she's a bright woman with an unfortunate level of verbal diarrhoea and chronic over thinking. She also has kids, so we were bonding over our lack of sleep when she went on to say 'what about your 3 year old? Is she good in bed?'. She then spent about 5 minutes getting flustered and trying to explain to widespread loling.

I also found out that my wage is also £1800 more than I thought due to 'car allowance' and that 40p per mile is indeed what I will get on top of that. :drool:

The only downside to the job is that I have a rather notorious estate in Southend to cover, along with all of Basildon and Brentwood.

[Raoul Duke]

Booked my trip to NYC for work in a couple of weeks, today. Managed to blag it so that I can be leave on the Friday get the whole weekend there (plus MLK day) and then a weekend at the end too. Essentially five days free holiday in New York :cool:

[TG09]

What's the best way to move around these days? LinkedIn?

Probably, i get a lot of agencies asking me about new jobs on it.

[Magic]

Great day today at work and in general. Upon reflection, there's not a lot I could have done better at all. Wow.

Maybe if my bitch ex had told me she was taking A swimming instead of her dad I might have video called, that's maybe the only thing I regret.

[Shindig]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-46810473

Oof. In other news, my week's been busy. Landed myself on two projects for the week AND some regular phone work. I want shot of this. :moop:

[Baz]

I've just been tasked with putting up 50th birthday banners and blowing up 50th birthday balloons for someone I'm sures birthday is only on Thursday. And she'll only be 49. :cab:

Done it anyway.

[Baz]

https://i.imgur.com/ZybZxuG_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium

[Spikey M]

:D

[Manc]

State of that office.

[Baz]

Unfortunately she is indeed 50 and is off after today so sadly it was well-received.

[Mike]

Did she bring in cake?
Someone turned 50 last week at work and came in with a huge Costco cake. The staffroom was packed!

[Baz]

Sadly not. I think she wanted to keep it quiet and was surprised anyone knew.

To be fair, she’s one of the best ones for bringing in snacks so it’s not so bad.

[Lewis]

I had my birthday off yesterday, which nobody knew about, so I just lobbed some biscuits on the table today and didn't explain them.

[Adamski]

Double stealth. Decent.

[Foe]

There's always cake in my gaff. We had a Costco Victoria sponge last week and a Costco chocolate fudge cake this week. Thankfully I'm one of th few fat fucks who are eating it. :drool:

I also became a rep for my organisation recently (I volunteered) which is to basically discuss with hr and leadership concerns raised by the staff. Been in it about 2 weeks and 3 different people have already come to me with concerns. Man of the people right here. :cool:

[Manc]

Casper the friendly ghost.

[Shindig]

I had my birthday off yesterday, which nobody knew about, so I just lobbed some biscuits on the table today and didn't explain them.

"Who were they from?"
"Lewis."
"Who?"

[Lewis]

The one nobody has had to pull aside to warn about their hygiene.

[Boydy]

Who'd that happen to?

[Baz]

:rosebud:

[Shindig]

Well that's me told.

[Smjffy]

Scotland next week....

[Raoul Duke]

New York next week for me :cool:

Going to be minus fucking thirteen on Monday :moop:

[Boom-Boom-18]

New York next week for me :cool:

Going to be minus fucking thirteen on Monday :moop:

I spotted that as well (I am also there next week so have been looking at the weather). I thought it was an error, everyone has been saying it will be cold but I wasn't expecting minus numbers.

[Kikó]

New York has serious seasons. One of the reasons I don't understand why people like visiting Dec to early March. It's seriously cold.

[Boydy]

How did you manage that Shindig? You dirty bastard.

[Josh]

I just moved here at the beginning of the month. Can confirm I have no idea why people visit before April. I guess the hotels are cheaper and it's quieter.

It's really fucking cold - hit minus temperatures everyday in the last couple of weeks. I'm not going to enjoy Monday, you just don't want to go out in minus 13.

[Shindig]

How did you manage that Shindig? You dirty bastard.

Extenuating circumstances.

[Jimmy Floyd]

New York has serious seasons. One of the reasons I don't understand why people like visiting Dec to early March. It's seriously cold.

I once went literally 27-30 Dec or so, and despite or perhaps because of the cold it was really atmospheric then.

I remember standing on the outside deck of the Ellis Island ferry as we went past Liberty Island, me and my brother were the only people on the whole ship braving it despite the carrot of a close up view of the statue. I can only describe the cold on that boat trip as FUCKING cold.

[Boydy]

Extenuating circumstances.
No, seriously though.

[mugbull]

Any place that’s not England or the Tropics has serious seasons

[Shindig]

No, seriously though.

Drop it.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Did they chip in for some Driclor? Or was it worse?

[Giggles]

I'm lost. Someone show Boydy where the quote button is.

[Baz]

Y’all bullies now?

[Shindig]

I just can't believe this is the thing Mahow decides to go after.

[Boom-Boom-18]

I just moved here at the beginning of the month. Can confirm I have no idea why people visit before April. I guess the hotels are cheaper and it's quieter.

It's really fucking cold - hit minus temperatures everyday in the last couple of weeks. I'm not going to enjoy Monday, you just don't want to go out in minus 13.

How would you recommend getting from JFK airport to hotel?

[Giggles]

There's lads going around in yellow cars that will give you a lift in exchange for money.