The All New Jobs Thread

[igor_balis]

My favourite old colleague at the bank went with "do you like marvel" as an opening salvo, then when I said no, proceeded to show me photos of his "man cave" packed with action figures and posters and shit anyway, I admired his refusal to change his predetermined conversation. He was obsessed with cricket, football and NFL though so maybe I'd look back on that moment less fondly if he'd continued to talk at me about iron man for the next four years.

[Foe]

My work colleagues peaked when I discovered the production chemist “chemical Dave” also spent his weekends putting on hopeless £2.50 football accumulators.

Those Monday mornings talking about how Rotherham or Hull had fucked us out of £200 were bliss.

Some absolute nerds work in engineering though, as you can imagine. I used to spend every graduate event I attended working my way round asking everyone who their team was until someone actually answered. Found a Man City season ticket holder no less. But the amount of drivel I listened to about skiing or cycling was not worth it.

[Lewis]

Our office football chat was alright between me, the one normal Evertonian (probably helps that he isn't Scouse), and the POMPEY BOYS. Now we've got an annoying West Ham fan who says things like 'Chelski' and pretends he thinks Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard were shit.

[Shindig]

The bloke that exclusively talked to me about games was a bit much. He didn't have much conversation outside that and sounded like he was one bad answer away from walking into the sea.

[Giggles]

I normally just pretend I don’t watch something, even if I do, so I don’t have to engage.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Oh yeah, I forgot that the MD always tries to talk to me about cricket as he knows I like it (even though I literally never bring it up). He knows nothing but he's one of those wankers who reckons he can hold court on any topic. 'How about that England wicket, then!' Fuck off, mate.

[Lofty]

Everyone on my team is into football, thankfully our latest addition is too aswell as loving snooker. It's a good mix too, obviously I support Arsenal due to being groomed into it as a toddler then we have a scouse Liverpool fan, a scouse Everton fan, the new lad supports Blackburn.

The senior team member however makes us all look plastic having been to over 500 away games following Leeds and only needing to visit 8 grounds to check off watching Leeds play at the current complete set of Football League grounds (he used a day's holiday to attend their friendly against Forest Green, purely for this purpose). Used to get a good laugh out of him going to Cardiff away on a week night only to see them lose 3-0 and not get back home until 2am due to being boxed into his parking spot, then rolling into the office at 9am like he had been licking piss off a nettle for breakfast.

[Baz]

I normally just pretend I don’t watch something, even if I do, so I don’t have to engage.This is the best way.

[Manc]

Day two of my exile and the old team are already asking for my help. How do I politely tell them to lick my balls?

[Spikey M]

I normally just pretend I don’t watch something, even if I do, so I don’t have to engage.

The worst thing - possibly in the world - is when someone talks to you about something they have no idea about. Women during a World Cup being the prime example.

[Giggles]

There's one lad in work keeps asking me about brewing just to annoy me about something so I always say I don't do it any more. Even though he has a face on him every time I bring in some samples for a couple of other lads, he never has the minerals to call me out on it the next time I say I don't :D

[Baz]

There's one lad in work keeps asking me about brewing just to annoy me about something so I always say I don't do it any more. Even though he has a face on him every time I bring in some samples for a couple of other lads, he never has the minerals to call me out on it the next time I say I don't :D

Why don’t you like him? Seems a bit snide.

[Ian]

I've got a lad in work who still opens conversations to me with "Hi mate!" and attempts small talk despite the fact that about two years ago I did the ultimate rookie error and described him as a lazy timewaster in a chat to him when I got my IM tabs mixed up and didn't notice until I'd hit enter.

[Spikey M]

:D brutal.

What did he reply? Or did you pass it off with a quick haha so it could be confused for a joke?

[Giggles]

Why don’t you like him? Seems a bit snide.

All he wants to do is engage so he can lead up so saying something smartarsed, so I just cut him off before he gets the chance.

Anyway, it's up to me who I talk to and don't regardless.

[Baz]

The honour is all mine.

[Ian]

:D brutal.

What did he reply? Or did you pass it off with a quick haha so it could be confused for a joke?

Oh no, I very pointedly apologised for sending it to him but did not apologise to what I'd actually said. The guy is an absolute willy so I decided if I was going to make an arse of myself I may as well get something out of it by way of him not speaking to be any more. Sadly I underestimated his complete lack of spine and he now acts like it never happened.

I can't remember exactly what he said in reply, I think it was 'Thanks, good to know' or something like that. I said it was a cunt move to send it to him but as above, not for what I'd actually said. There was then a pause and he asked why don't I like him and rather than list his many personality flaws (he's a compulsive liar, a creepy bastard, workshy, a bigot, the list goes on) I just said sometimes you just don't get on with people and that was that for the day.

But yeah, now it's like he wants to be mates again. I'm not sure if he just has no self respect or if he thinks that eventually I will cave out of awkwardness.

[Spikey M]

Send him another message saying "fuck sake, he keeps talking to me." And include a made up flaw, like "do you think he knows his breath is that bad?" or something.

[Ian]

There's enough real stuff I could use if I was going that route. Like the original Banksy artwork he claims to have in his hallway or any number of other easily disproven lies he's told.

It's not like he somehow doesn't know I don't like him either as he asked one of the other guys about it one day.

[SvN]

Years ago, in my first job out of uni, my boss told me a story on a night out about an incident that happened between colleagues that I was totally unaware of.

There was a woman in her 30s who worked on reception who regularly used to wear ridiculously low cut tops (probably to distract from her pretty average face). I'd go as far as saying she dressed completely inappropriately for work, and was braless half of the time as well, so you'd regularly see a hint of nip. Whenever a visitor came to the building, you'd always see the double take and shock at the fact that a pair of tits was staring back at them.

Anyway, he told me that a few years previously, she'd put in a complaint about a junior member of staff because he IMed her accidentally saying "Have you seen them today? Hanging out completely." She asked him what he meant, and he deleted the message and just ignored her. She went ballistic, went to the boss, and he managed to get her to accept an apology from the guy.

The funniest thing about it all? The message was actually meant for my boss :D.

[Spikey M]

Pics?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just google 'breasts' and click on the 'images' section.

Never done it but I'm told they've got some good stuff.

[Kikó]

Can confirm.

My boss sent me two cunty messages yesterday as I changed my work from home day in the morning on the HR system. Considering I hadn't been logged in for three weeks it could have been taken as my first opportunity but instead she made a song and dance about "I'm not sure what HR policies are like in England but they're more serious here" and when I offered to come in as I live 5 minutes away said she "doesn't like the yo-yoing" and "it's not professional."

I've basically said fuck all to her all day in the office so what a fucking waste of time that is.

[Don]

The backlash begins :drool:

They may have been too soft to join in on the battles on our streets for our freedoms but rest assured they won't sit by and be made to commute without spilling blood.

[igor_balis]

Found out today I was successful in the two stage interview process for the other job :cool:

It's about 4k more, but cus I'm now deemed capable of paying back more than about 50p a year on my student loan etc I'm only £200 a month better off. Still chuffed though. After ten years of full time employment it's the first time I've been promoted internally rather than sacking off a job to make a sideways move to somewhere else, which I was starting to worry may never happen.

[Ian]

Nice one. How long do you plan to leave it before going mad with power if you get this?

[igor_balis]

Nice one. How long do you plan to leave it before going mad with power if you get this?
Oh I've definitely gotten the job, maybe I wasn't clear. Unfortunately there's no power to go mad with, I've not been promoted to a supervisory or managerial role, it's just my current admin div role is a D grade, and the new one is still the most junior in the team I'm moving to, it's just deemed a proper enough role to be a C grade.

[Ian]

Ah I wasn't sure if there's another stage.

Still, that's a bonus. The power to go mad with can come later.

[Spikey M]

A real man would go mad without the power.

(Congrats).

[Danny]

Ever try going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you.

[Pepe]

After eight months of not teaching, I am finally back at it tomorrow. I started preparing the course this morning. Changed the dates on the syllabus, reviewed my notes. Done in an hour. My motivation is non-existent.

[Ian]

Ever try going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you.

You don't get many quotes from the movie. Good work.

[Baz]

Left my ‘never away on teams’ macro spreadsheet running and must have accidentally clicked outlook as I wandered off and it’s slowly gone down my emails one by one, marking every single one of them as read, including the ~40 I’d purposely left historically unread as I needed to eventually sort them out.

Fucked it.

[Lofty]

Hoisted by your own petard.

[Manc]

40 unread emails? I couldn't sleep.

[Lewis]

47% of my work told the people survey that they have been 'bullied or harassed'. I think it's down to 1) barely anyone filling it in; and 2) the people that did fill it in being more likely to take being told they're wrong about something personally. Whatever the reason, people are coming in to talk to us about it lol.

[Shindig]

Ah, the Great Place to Work Survey. "When we refer to management, we mean your immediate line manager. Not some imagined goblin who is perceived to the be source of your problems."

[Baz]

Someone didn’t come to a meeting today, saying she had to attend a different one instead. I was also invited to the other, but I don’t think she knew.

This meant I had to chair the first meeting, which I didn’t mind cos I breeze through and get half an hour back, usually, and was the case today. I then joined the other meeting just to show my face and say hello, and she hasn’t even attended it, so I had to provide our local update too. :moop:

Same woman also told me she’s had an afternoon nap most days since working from home so she’s the real WFH Champion here, credit where it’s due she’s played a blinder.

[Pepe]

Telling both meetings that she is attending the other one, what a don. :cool:

[Ian]

The Apathy Champion.

[Spikey M]

How are you going to "accidentally" let this slip, Baz?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

How are you going to "accidentally" let this slip, Baz?

He's already fired off emails to most of the managers.

[Baz]

How are you going to "accidentally" let this slip, Baz?I don’t know where my reputation as a whistle blower has come from. I literally do my best to avoid all contact with anyone senior.

[Manc]

Day three of my new surroundings and I've had to deliver a big uncomfortable NO to the new manager. Ugh.

[Panda Bear]

Day three of my new surroundings and I've had to deliver a big uncomfortable NO to the new manager. Ugh. Did you want us to ask you about this?

[Manc]

Just a moan. Doesn't read back very well. Can confirm I've not been raped.

[Shindig]

I'm going to be back in the office training the agency staff. Looks like I have a couple of weeks before that kicks in.

[Lofty]

Our office hasn't even been restocked for printer paper or blue roll, the heating has been turned off and my line manager has gone off on presumably long term sick. Never going back, lads :cool:

[Manc]

That's me done for the week. Couldn't have gone slower.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The South Africans are flying in on Monday, and the rumour mill is properly churning. The Boss just rang me up and told me that he might be 'sailing off into the sunset', while another guy told me over a garlic chicken lunch that his own contract was 'under review' but that I had nothing to worry about.

Can't wait for the Supreme Laager of Justice to roll into town next week.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Some cracking office politics going on here atm. As keen readers of this thread will know, I've had a verbal agreement for about 18 months that I'm going to take over from the ancient South American sales manager, though have nothing in the way of concrete offers or a clear timetable for this to happen, so I'm taking it with a pinch of salt.

Meanwhile, 'the boss', who you may remember from me having gone around Spain for a week watching him leave all his food, has come under pressure from our new South African owners. They've kept him on - but it seems to be shit or get off the pot time for him in terms of driving a big increase in European sales. He phoned me this morning to issue a big dressing room rallying cry - we need to get every deal, and the ones we don't you need to send an excuse to management as to why we didn't. He's also promised to bung me even more money than he currently does (he sends me illicit monthly payments to keep me on his team) if we do well each month.

Finally, he said: "Oh, and I asked them about your South American gig". I said yeah? He said "Yeah, the intention is still for you to take over." I said well, fine, but there's no timetable, is there? This has been vaguely promised for 18 months. The boss said "Well, you know, you've got to think about your own prospects. You could turn around and say you're better off with me."

I'm now wondering who is trying to play me and why. I'm guessing the best move is just to sit tight and see what happens, as it usually is in life, but I might be in a stronger position than I thought I was.

[Ian]

Why is he paying you to stay on his team? Is that your choice?

I just assumed you'd be getting told who you're working under.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's complicated - he's not an employee but an agent who runs European territories for the company, whereas I am an employee (paid by the company). He likes that I am assigned to his accounts, so he decided to start paying me side bungs, presumably to disincentivise me from asking to move to other accounts / leaving the company / whatever. I don't quite get it - I'm competent, but I'm not sure I'm bung-worthy in comparison to others, so there must be something else going on.

It's not like he's going to blackmail me with the fact I've been accepting side-payments (since it's him who's making them), so I don't really know what he's up to.

[Baz]

That's dodgy.

[Ian]

It's not like he's going to blackmail me with the fact I've been accepting side-payments (since it's him who's making them), so I don't really know what he's up to.

I genuinely have zero idea whether there's anything questionable going on here either morally or professionally but if there was anything iffy about the payments you surely can get in as much bother (if there is any bother to be had) for accepting them?

People don't get let off for just being the one who took the bribe.

My gut reaction is that there's something deeply weird about all that but I've no idea what or how I feel about it (other than the weirdness, obviously.)

[Manc]

Are you sucking him off in the car park?

[Pepe]

Family-run operations. :drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

The only way anyone's going to find out about them is if either he or I spill the beans, and for either of us to do so would reflect badly on the bean-spiller so it would have to be a truly desperate situation - and I don't get into desperate situations.

I just don't know why a) he feels the need to make the payments in the first place, and b) why he's now hinting he'll up them if I push back from the South American gig.

[Spikey M]

I genuinely have zero idea whether there's anything questionable going on here either morally or professionally but if there was anything iffy about the payments you surely can get in as much bother (if there is any bother to be had) for accepting them?

People don't get let off for just being the one who took the bribe.

My gut reaction is that there's something deeply weird about all that but I've no idea what or how I feel about it (other than the weirdness, obviously.)

It it's seen as bribery it can carry a prison sentence.

[Boydy]

Is he giving you these payments in cash?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Bribery is in exchange for improper behaviour. I haven't done anything even approaching improper - just carried on doing my job as before.

[Pepe]

why he's now hinting he'll up them if I push back from the South American gig.

It seems to me like you basically do his job for him. Therefore, he wants you to continue doing it.

He probably saw how much he sold before you joined his team, then how much after, noticed the latter number is much larger, and figured that giving you a little extra on the side is worth it to keep you around.

[Spikey M]

Bribery is in exchange for improper behaviour. I haven't done anything even approaching improper - just carried on doing my job as before.

From what I learnt about it, Bribery law is weird and confusing as fuck. You can give gifts or certain values in certain circumstances, but if you cross a poorly defined line you're fucked. I won't pretend to be an expert and I have absolutely no idea if what you're doing would cross said line, but I'd be very careful with it.

[Pepe]

Be careful how? He either takes the money, or he doesn't. He already took it, so now what?

[Spikey M]

I have no idea, I would just be considering what I'm doing. A contractor receiving a salary from a company, then making payments to a company insider looks dodgy as sin. I've no idea what - if anything - he should do about it. I would probably have declined in the first place, but then maybe I'm just a massive mug.

[Ian]

It it's seen as bribery it can carry a prison sentence.

This, and your other post, are what I mean when I say I've just no idea if there's anything up with it or not.

I suppose if, as Jimmy says, one of them spilled the beans it'd be up to the company to decide if they wanted to accuse them of that?

I've no idea.

[Pepe]

What I am gathering is that, if it comes down to it, shoot first.

[Kikó]

Wouldn't have expected Jimmy to be the one doing time but here we are.

[Ian]

What I am gathering is that, if it comes down to it, shoot first.

You've got mixed up with the relationships thread mate.

[Ben]

I just re-read the Prison Thread in the archives the other day. Quite enjoyed it, so am happy we might get a sequel.

[Ian]

Jimmy would just end up turning it into an inspirational story where he finds redemption by captaining the prison cricket team or something, and teaching the inmates something about sportsmanship, teamwork, fair play and The Spirit of the Game along the way.

[Spikey M]

He will teach his cellmate - played by Nicholas Cage in the Movie - to read, too.

Jimmy will be played by a bald Martin Freeman, of course.

[niko_cee]

Becoming 'The Boss's' protege sounds a more appealing prospect than the South American gig, which just sees you kidnapped by organised crime or as a political prisoner when whichever military junta takes over wherever you happen to end up stationed.

[Pepe]

He will teach his cellmate - played by Nicholas Cage in the Movie - to read, too.

Jimmy will be played by a bald Martin Freeman, of course.

*Morgan

[Ian]

Why not both? Martin Freeman to play current Jimmy, Morgan Freeman to play fictionalised future Jimmy looking back on it.

And if anybody points out the obvious we just call them racist.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Becoming 'The Boss's' protege sounds a more appealing prospect than the South American gig, which just sees you kidnapped by organised crime or as a political prisoner when whichever military junta takes over wherever you happen to end up stationed.

This is the sort of insight I need, not veiled threats of prison from Essex bailiffs.

I did take advice from some wise old owls when he gave me the first envelope, and they all said take the money.

[Pepe]

I disagree. If you go to South America, you become 'The Boss' yourself. You can them bribe some latinos to be your proteges.

[Spikey M]

I don't think even the Drug Lords of Columbia would take on a hardened criminal like Jimmy.

[Lewis]

Your boss sounds like the sort of person new/sensible owners will smoke out sooner rather than later, so overtly throwing your lot in with him probably isn't that wise a move.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Can the movie explore the South America gig AND the prison story?

[Spikey M]

I've got the guy that played Dennis Nedry penciled in to play Jimmy's boss. We'll have to stick with Joe Pesci for all South American gangsters. It's tradition.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Your boss sounds like the sort of person new/sensible owners will smoke out sooner rather than later, so overtly throwing your lot in with him probably isn't that wise a move.

There is that, but then he also makes them two and a half million a year, so...

I think my best bet is to hang tough and if he gets the bullet I'll be well placed to inherit some of his empire, rather than the South American guy's raggedy kingdom. If nothing happens I'll probably just leave in a year's time anyway.

[niko_cee]

I've got the guy that played Dennis Nedry penciled in to play Jimmy's boss. We'll have to stick with Joe Pesci for all South American gangsters. It's tradition.

For me he's more of a Gene Hunt, but maybe fatter and more sanguine through years of [not] eating in the med.

[SvN]

What makes you so sure he won't hang you out to dry if he gets the bullet?

[niko_cee]

What makes you so sure he won't hang you out to dry if he gets the bullet?

Why would he?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The boss is Ray Winstone meets Bob Hoskins.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Bob Hoskins would be a dream. Wouldn't even hurt the budget too much.

[Spoonsky]

Your boss sounds like the sort of person new/sensible owners will smoke out sooner rather than later, so overtly throwing your lot in with him probably isn't that wise a move.

This is good advice for Jimmy, bad advice for the the board (and the Movie).

[Lewis]

Jamie Foreman as the boss, some bald lad who works cheap as Floyd.

[niko_cee]

The boss is Ray Winstone meets Bob Hoskins.

So are we looking at Sexy Beast II or more of a Long Good Friday feel to the film?

[Jimmy Floyd]

So are we looking at Sexy Beast II or more of a Long Good Friday feel to the film?

What I'm looking for is someone who can contribute to what England has to offer. A little bit more than biltong, you know what I mean?

[Giggles]

Why would he?

Because he can and has zero to lose.

[Spikey M]

So are we looking at Sexy Beast II or more of a Long Good Friday feel to the film?

A Long Bad First-day.

[Lofty]

You reckon they'll let you post from prison, Jim?

[Shindig]

Becoming 'The Boss's' protege sounds a more appealing prospect than the South American gig, which just sees you kidnapped by organised crime or as a political prisoner when whichever military junta takes over wherever you happen to end up stationed.

But it means more uneaten meals and Spanish conversations.

[Panda Bear]

This is the sort of insight I need, not veiled threats of prison from Essex bailiffs.

I did take advice from some wise old owls when he gave me the first envelope, and they all said take the money.I want to hear the wisdom credentials of these owls.

[Panda Bear]

There is that, but then he also makes them two and a half million a year, so...

I think my best bet is to hang tough and if he gets the bullet I'll be well placed to inherit some of his empire, rather than the South American guy's raggedy kingdom. If nothing happens I'll probably just leave in a year's time anyway.Are you willing to realpolitik and 'kill' the old man if need be?

[Spikey M]

You mean "disappear"?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Are you willing to realpolitik and 'kill' the old man if need be?

I can't imagine any scenario in which that will be necessary.

[Spikey M]

This film is going to be shit unless you pull your finger out.

[Shindig]

Nah. I'm imagining The Spy Who Came in From the Cold. Except the prison talky bit is just an hour of Jimmy talking to his boss en route to Cadiz.

[Lofty]

How much backhand cheddar have you trousered since this began?

[Panda Bear]

This film is going to be shit unless you pull your finger out.Unless it's shit from pulling the finger out.

[Jimmy Floyd]

How much backhand cheddar have you trousered since this began?

Not very much. It's in a tupperware in the third drawer down, if anyone fancies burgling my flat.

[Shindig]

Again?

I dunno. All that time with the force and you get corrupted by some tractor peddling geezer.

[Baz]

One of my Champion titles is being changed to Ambassador. Not sure if I’m keen.

[Shindig]

Not the class mobility you were looking for?

[Mellberg]

Off shifts on 16th Feb. Hopefully that’s it after over a decade of the fuckers :yn:

[Jimmy Floyd]

This place has descended into cloak and dagger madness. I'm essentially in a team of three - me, Barney, and the Arab. Barney left the room for a minute just now, and the Arab instantly jumped on me to tell me that Barney was spreading rumours that I'm on £44k. (I'm on 32, I'd guess Barney is on about 29, or somewhere slightly less than me).

Barney plays really nice to my face, so fuck him, he's going down. Me and the Arab are now an official terrorist cell.

[Spikey M]

This year's Christmas Special is going to be amazing. :drool:

[Ian]

Plot twist when poor old Barney has said nothing and the Arab has been spreading the rumours and is trying to lay the groundwork for his defence if it comes out.

[Lewis]

Very good point. Arabs are habitual liars.

[Kikó]

Had a proper blow out argument with the boss today. Could go two ways but hopefully it just clears the air.

[Manc]

A few nights on the couch will do you good.

[niko_cee]

:D

Burn

[Kikó]

She just let me book Madrid. She's a good boss.

[Spikey M]

One way ticket?

[Kikó]

Imagine 🤤

[Shindig]

Barney left the room for a minute just now, and the Arab instantly jumped on me to tell me that Barney was spreading rumours that I'm on £44k. (I'm on 32, I'd guess Barney is on about 29, or somewhere slightly less than me).

He knows about the backhanders. :drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Impossible. Even on the phone, the boss only refers to them in code as 'our little drink'.

[Shindig]

That post with that avatar. Cosmic.

[Panda Bear]

Had a proper blow out argument with the boss today. Could go two ways but hopefully it just clears the air.Vague.

[Ben]

Our Client wants to bring in a vaccine mandate to get onto site. Lots of the workforce is unvaccinated apparently. Even though I'm vaccinated, I'm still wading in on their behalf.

It's bollocks.

[Shindig]

Damn right. Mandates won't change anybody's minds and you run the risk of losing staff long-term.

[Kikó]

Vague.

Basically, not been getting on very well with my new boss mainly because of her communication style over emails which has lead to us having some resentment. We had a pretty big argument about it yesterday which hopefully has reset it all.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Barney (I don't know why I called him Barney, it's a dreadful name) is 'working from home' with a 'migraine' today, and tried to fob some impossibly dull task of his off onto me 'because you're in the office'. When I told him where to stick it he went crying to the Arab on Teams, who then reported the conversation back to me. Full on schoolyard fucking bullshit from Barney, and I've no idea what's brought it on. He drove the Arab home yesterday and repeated to him that it's 'really unfair' that I'm on £44k (to be clear, I am absolutely nowhere near on 44k, and have no idea where he might have come by this 'info').

Think his head might have gone.

[Ben]

I'd still be dropping him subtle hints that I might be on £44k though.

[Ian]

They both sound like cretins to be fair with the other enjoying stirring the pot.


I'd still be dropping him subtle hints that I might be on £44k though.

Nah up the ante and hint at £54k, see if you can send him over the edge.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Also let him know that you should be getting a nice raise when you take the South America job too.

[Baz]

Tell him his dads 44.

[Baz]

Propose a fancy dress event and come as Forrest Gump in full football gear.

[Spikey M]

I'd spend my lunchtimes browsing holiday homes in Barbados (when he's back in the office, obviously).

[Ben]

Our Client wants to bring in a vaccine mandate to get onto site. Lots of the workforce is unvaccinated apparently. Even though I'm vaccinated, I'm still wading in on their behalf.

It's bollocks.

This is developing rather quickly.

Someone high up has got wind of the discontent and issued an anonymous survey to gauge the general consensus/concerns. Everyone is taking the opportunity to brand them Nazis and greedy capitalists whilst the unvaccinated now have a pedestal for their various conspiracy theories. It's the Client dictating this, not our own employer, so it's kind of a free shot even if it weren't anonymous. I think they might regret this one. It's certainly not vaccinated vs. unvaccinated here.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I might just accidentally leave my payslip out. Cut to the chase.

Re Ben, corporates still shitting themselves about covid are going to get found out more and more as time goes on. The public is very quickly moving on now.

[Ian]

I'd spend my lunchtimes browsing holiday homes in Barbados (when he's back in the office, obviously).

While muttering to himself about the scandalous cost of refuelling a private jet these days.

[Ben]

Buy a Lewis Hamilton #44 cap then bounce into the office with it on, making sure you doff it to Barney.

[Kikó]

"I'm fucking sick of the higher tax rate. What's your accountant recommending Barney?"

[Jimmy Floyd]

In other news, the boss just rang me from Calais to tell me that our biggest French customer's wife has 'committed hari fackin' kari'. When I asked him what he meant, imagining some business disaster, he said no, she blew her brains out in the woods.

What an industry this is.

[Boydy]

Fucking hell.

[Spikey M]

Just spent 36 minutes trying to explain to an adult that 4 weeks and one month are not the same thing.

[niko_cee]

Picked a bad month to do that.

[Spikey M]

:D indeed.

[Shindig]

Ran out of work today so we're all doing the shit Harvard training modules that full of tanned bastards talking about the customer experience. And a bloke from Lego with an appropriately Lego haircut.

[Foe]

Found a howler at work last week and have spent the time since frantically trying to work out how much of an issue it is and if I can solve it.

Massive, and no.

Supposed to be back to the office tomorrow, but going to fuck it off until next week. Looking forward to the canteen chips.

[Panda Bear]

Found a howler at work last week and have spent the time since frantically trying to work out how much of an issue it is and if I can solve it.

Massive, and no.

Supposed to be back to the office tomorrow, but going to fuck it off until next week. Looking forward to the canteen chips.How much responsibility do you bear for it?

[Foe]

I should’ve caught it long ago if I really understood the plant in detail (which I didn’t as I was responsible for two and this one is massive and new). It’s an odd scenario that seems to have caught everyone off guard and we’ve got the absolute worst case of it which would be very unlikely to be repeated.

As with all these things though - trying to find a potential solution to share or suggest is far better than just screaming it’s fucked.

I’ve identified some plasters, but ultimately I think we are going to have to change our plans, or accept a whole lot of risk later in the year having utilised our contingencies very early in the year.

[igor_balis]

My new boss told me privately that he was gonna announce my appointment in our whole organisation weekly zoom call.

I said "if you're worried about pronouncing my mental polish surname you can just go with a-jones rather than akwkkwyskskski-jones instead"

He confidently said "nah I'll give it a go :cool: "

He absolutely butchered it. On one hand I massively respect his zero fucks given confidence, but this wasn't an earnest attempt that went wrong, he even pronounced the w as a w instead of a v. It's not that I'm offended, more that im slightly concerned that it might be indicative of generally chaotic vibes in his team.


I did enjoy him saying how I'd been doing excellent work in my current team, and one of my middle aged female colleagues immediately shouting "who the fuck has been talking to?!". The only thing that would have improved it is if she'd accidentally turned her microphone on.

[phonics]

Whats so hard about Balis?

[AyDee]

Decent progress in the move from Cambridge to London.

All but received my first job offer from one firm and have a second interview (w/ skills test) for a different firm tomorrow, which will hopefully lead to a second job offer.

I'm expecting the second firm will win on a few measures - basically all but salary - so fingers crossed there, but feels good to at least have a job offer in the bag.

Bring on the tube.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Tube is one of the best things about London. Pretty fast, basically always works, evocative and predictable noises, the smell of 200 years of shoe dust, the best map ever designed by humans, and absolutely everyone respects everyone else's boundaries (upskirters aside).

The only downside is that for most journeys you should walk instead.

[Shindig]

My kind of transit.

[Baz]

We’ve been asked to “make an effort” to go into the office every Wednesday. Help plz.

I tried but couldn’t face it may have to be wheeled out.

[Ian]

No wonder you're not a champion any more.

[Shindig]

Ambassadors love in-person meetings.

[Don]

It's over Baz. Twice a week from March, goodbye sweet lover, goodbye £400 per month.

[Giggles]

Everyone back to the office :drool:

[Lofty]

My company actively dissauding us from going in :drool:

[Manc]

It's over Baz. Twice a week from March, goodbye sweet lover, goodbye £400 per month.

I'm potentially looking at three. :facepalm:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Everyone back to the office :drool:

You and I could bond over this. Just delicious.

[Shindig]

It's inevitable. I'm just stringing it out as long as possible.

[Raoul Duke]

Ambassadors love in-person meetings.

And Ferrero Rocher

[Don]

I'm potentially looking at three. :facepalm:

Yeah, I may be in same boat but I think I can dodge it. Jesus, what a mess.

[Giggles]

You and I could bond over this. Just delicious.

The amount of people who genuinely thought they were going to get away with doing nothing ever again and get the same money. I know people who were going to move to the coast and others going to sell their cars, and most of them are back working already :happycry:

[Lofty]

Someone at my wife's spot moved to another city while WFH, and then asked if he could keep doing it when told to come back into the office only to be told to come in or fuck off :D

[Ben]

I don't know how people enjoy WFH. I mean, each to their own, but I couldn't stomach giving up an entire room in my house to become an office.

People who work in bed or on the sofa are mentalists.

[Lofty]

I am a confirmed mentalist. The thing for me is I preferred working in the office for productivity and social reasons but while we were out they binned our set desks and changed they layout for hot desks, got rid of our desktop computers etc so now going in is more of a faff and less productive.

[Foe]

A blend is definitely fine. We are expected in 3 days a week, home for 2. So if/when that ever happens tue-thurs in the office and Monday Friday at home are the answer.

I’m pretty hopeful I’ll be able to justify just going in on Wednesdays, given I spend most of my day either in calls or reviewing trends on a screen by myself.

There was someone who moved to England (bought a house no less) and is now complaining because the guidance is “within an hour of the home base office” in case you need to come in.

I’ve considered upping sticks to the highlands and just having keeping the flat here to stay in a night or two a week when I need to be in the office.

[Kikó]

I will argue until the day I die with giggles that WFH does not mean not working. Anyway, we've gone to 3 in/2 out but mostly back to all out with Omicron here. I actually much prefer being at home, maybe if I was working with some people directly on my floor it would be different.

[Luke Emia]

Personally I feel that I need the separation so working from home isn't great for me. I have contemplated setting up a proper cabin in the garden as an office though as I think that could work for me with a proper full on set up and if I did that maybe working from home a couple of days a week could work.

[Kikó]

I actually have more than one room in the house now so I can use the spare bedroom as an office. It was pretty shit working on the dining table on a crappy IKEA chair for 15 months

[Luke Emia]

I actually have more than one room in the house now so I can use the spare bedroom as an office. It was pretty shit working on the dining table on a crappy IKEA chair for 15 months

Yeah the other week when I had the rona I pitched up in the office we have and the missus had to work downstairs on the dining room table. That worked a lot better than when we were both working at the dining room table when lockdown first happened. But, the problem is because she works from home as well I don't want to give up to rooms in the house just to office space.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Tbf, hot desks in the office would make me shift opinions dramatically. My desk is my desk, arseholes.

There is a lot of zeal from some WFHers about the topic, at times, which makes me think they're on the take. There's also a lot of lack of self-awareness/'privilege' about being able to do it comfortably.

[Ben]

I'm in the barren North so I have a spacious house and still couldn't be comfortable with giving up an entire room for my job so God knows how you Southern studio apartment folk deal with it. I'd need a massive bung to even contemplate it.

Not that my job is possible from home, so I'm just shaking my fist at the clouds here.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I did it for two days in late March 2020 (before the rest of my team got furloughed and I was in the office from then on) and wanted to kill myself. No chance of work/life separation when you have to do it on your laptop at the same table where you eat, and I don't even have kids, or a partner who also needs WFH space, or flatmates I hate, or any of that.

[Andy]

I've recently been promoted into the management structure at my work, was previously a site manager.

I'm now split between working on site, working from home, working at the office and surveying.

Its all a bit crazy but appreciate the time at home although I'd imagine it's a lot worse for some people. We have a seperate office my wife works in and then I can work in one of our spare rooms so we aren't distracting each other.

[Baz]

I think the disparity of loving WFH lies within the fact I have a doss job. And don’t get paid 44k like certain members.

Although I’ve just had a 15 minute meeting with the big big bosslady, telling her how to do something menial. She went on to tell me I’m doing an excellent job, so the rest of the morning shall be spent watching wrestling while my spreadsheet macro makes it look like I’m hard at work. It’s feet up Friday, lads. Chill out.

I mean I should add that I work pretty relentlessly throughout the week to keep on top of everything to give me these freedoms, and I’m making the most of it while it lasts.

[Shindig]

All I've had to do to set my place up is move a chair in from the dining room. The TV stand/desk combo was already there. As for work, the workload is the workload regardless of where you're doing it from. I've grafted like hell. I've sat on my arse with nowt to do for hours. I'd rather do the latter from home. I'd rather do the former in the office.

[Manc]

I wouldn't mind if I worked with people who had something about them and the team dynamics were strong.

[Ian]

Hotdesking (with your own laptop) isn't that bad and I never get why people are so protective about having their own desk. My main gripe if I was sent back to the office full time is the loss of time and money.

And despite what grampa Giggles reckons not everybody has a job where you can get away with doing fuck all just because you're at home. I'm not sure any of my friends could in the jobs they have, for that matter. Not without being 'managed out of the business' in fairly short order.


which makes me think they're on the take

You the one to be casting this particular stone? :D

[Ian]

I wouldn't mind if I worked with people who had something about them and the team dynamics were strong.

This is a bit of a factor too. Previous job our department of 20+ or so all got on well enough that there was some benefit on that front to being in the office.

When I first started there was a core of people who'd been their for ages who were matey who've now fucked off and the rest of us have our friends in the team and there's very little chit chat outside that other than for work questions and team calls, and the new(ish) manager is giving it all "Hey when we're back in the office let's do 'Thirsty Thursdays'!" as if trying to guilt people into going for one pint when we've got work the next day is going to make us all suddenly a close-knit team of top mates.

[Don]

'Ooo but I can't seperate my work and life' arguments were good and I was a proponent of them but they went out the window about 6 months into staring into the bleak abyss of lockdown-WFH-wait-for-your-8th-booster-and-clap-for-dildoboy-and-chums. Take your collaboration and office banter and shove it up your primitive arsehole, we've seen the future and we liked what we saw.

[Boydy]

My manager told me before he doesn't care if any of the folks in any of his teams never come back to the office.

To be fair, we're all distributed all over the place anyway. On my team of four there's only one other based in Belfast. Then there's one in the US and one in Macedonia. And it's easy to tell if we're doing any work or not - github commit history and deploys to production don't lie.

I probably do more work WFH than I would in the office too. With not commuting, I'll work an extra half hour at the end of the day to finish things up instead of wasting it on the bus.

[Ian]

I'm hoping to change job soon anyway but the impression I get currently is that we'll be working from home until March-ish (though you can now book a desk in the office if you want) and then it'll be do 2/3 days in the office 2 at home with presumably some leeway as to what ones you do.

We had a call about it yesterday and Fathers 4 Flexi started their campaign for how impossible it is to have a child and ever be in the office.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It does depend on the job, of course. Mine needs a vast array of info (and TTH, of course) across two screens, a phone, a load of heavy books, and various dodgy remote desktop links that tell me which parts go in which engine. None of this can be done from my shitty laptop amid last night's parmesan gratings that I haven't wiped up because I fell asleep on the sofa first.

[Ian]

I think in our specific team's case the only thing you really lose out on purely professionally is if you're a new start because I can't imagine getting to know people over Teams (or trying to) is much fun. Managers saying 'x has started, drop them a message and say hi!' isn't going to cut it because what sort of absolute psycho is actually going to do that?

[Boydy]

I did that. :(

[Ben]

It does depend on the job, of course. Mine needs a vast array of info (and TTH, of course) across two screens, a phone, a load of heavy books, and various dodgy remote desktop links that tell me which parts go in which engine. None of this can be done from my shitty laptop amid last night's parmesan gratings that I haven't wiped up because I fell asleep on the sofa first.

You mean you can't be sent cash bungs electronically.

[Don]

It does depend on the job, of course. Mine needs a vast array of info (and TTH, of course) across two screens, a phone, a load of heavy books, and various dodgy remote desktop links that tell me which parts go in which engine. None of this can be done from my shitty laptop amid last night's parmesan gratings that I haven't wiped up because I fell asleep on the sofa first.

Yep, absolutely none of the above sounds like it would be possible away from the office :cab:

[Pepe]

Classes cancelled today due to weather. A drop of snow has yet to fall. :happycry:

[Ben]

I thought Americans were hardened to the extreme weather? That's some Southern English shit.

[Pepe]

I thought so too, yet here we are.

The schools close due to snow all the time. The University, it is the second time it happens in the four years I've been here. Last time the weather was not that bad, and today it seems similar. I've had to walk through like ten inches of snow to go teach before, so I am not sure how they decide.

[Spikey M]

I thought Americans were hardened to the extreme weather? That's some Southern English shit.

Hang on a minute, you can't just besmirch the name of Greggs in one thread and then grasp for sectarian stereotypes against Southeners in the next. Sort yourself out.

[Ben]

I'm not wrong on either count though.

[Lewis]

Greggs is for Southerners and town centre riff-raff.

[Spikey M]

Pasties and sausage rolls? Southeners? We have Pret you Northern monkey.

It wasn't us churning out Sausage Roll Christmas songs.

[Giggles]

I got a pandemic bonus today for not slacking off :cool:

It’s fuck all like but I still deserve it more than half the cunts in the health service that the government are giving one to.

[Manc]

What is it you do?

[Lewis]

Pasties and sausage rolls? Southeners? We have Pret you Northern monkey.

It wasn't us churning out Sausage Roll Christmas songs.

There are three Greggs in Portsmouth, and they are all in the student district/scummier high street. I have never been to any of them. Meanwhile, I could rank the top ten sausage rolls in all the butchers and delis across the entire island.

[Giggles]

What is it you do?

Courier.

[Foe]

To echo the sentiment I’ve set myself up in the spare room on a proper desk with an office chair and it’s immensely better than kitchen table and chair about 3 yards from the sofa.

For WFH you need a palatable split for work/life. Thankfully I have a spare room and have always liked the idea of having a desk/sofa bed sort of room so it would work for me long term.

[Ben]

What is the tax relief like? Seems a bit sneaky that companies can essentially dump the costs of office rent and heating bills directly onto the worker.

[Foe]

There’s probably something there, but I’ve not bothered thinking about it.

I’d imagine for most the commuting cost vs. WFH cost will be in a similar ball park.

[Raoul Duke]

What? Most people's commuting costs are far more than some heat/electric (or maybe previously so, before Boris and friends let energy companies run amok)

[Giggles]

Same here. A fucking euro a litre for Kero now.

[Andy]

There’s probably something there, but I’ve not bothered thinking about it.

I’d imagine for most the commuting cost vs. WFH cost will be in a similar ball park.

My missus is saving 7k a year on travel.

[Raoul Duke]

I'm saving about £4k p/a compared to what I was spending in London

[Ben]

I was talking more about companies being suddenly more profitable due to less overheads and probably not passing it on in increased wages. If there’s more money to be had in wages, there needs to be a collective movement to claim it, especially if you’re sacrificing space in your house.

Just being happy that your savings in commuting cost outweighs heating bills isn’t enough. We are exploited too much as it is.

[Raoul Duke]

It's unlikely they have less overheads - leases are mostly still in place in a lot of cases. I know my company has let a few offices go for the time being though

[Foe]

What? Most people's commuting costs are far more than some heat/electric (or maybe previously so, before Boris and friends let energy companies run amok)

I worded this terribly. What I meant is there will be few who will be worse off WFH rather than commuting.

Admittedly that’s not what I said, but it’s what I meant. :moop:

[Foe]

What? Most people's commuting costs are far more than some heat/electric (or maybe previously so, before Boris and friends let energy companies run amok)


I was talking more about companies being suddenly more profitable due to less overheads and probably not passing it on in increased wages. If there’s more money to be had in wages, there needs to be a collective movement to claim it, especially if you’re sacrificing space in your house.

Just being happy that your savings in commuting cost outweighs heating bills isn’t enough. We are exploited too much as it is.

My company have downsized office to the point not everyone can be in on a regular desk at the same time.

They are absolutely rinsing it to save cost.

[Baz]

Those whose partners batter them and, umm, that’s it.

[Shindig]

The biggest gain I've got from WFH is saving on Greggs. Something in the region of £500 a year. Travel will eat that right back up but it was nice whilst it lasted. As for downsizing, I'm sure our company's thought about it. Since the 30 bodies went in 2020, it's stark how few desks are taken up. They really, really don't need a building of this size.

[Jimmy Floyd]

London train commuters dropping 6k a year on the commute also have my sympathies (I'm posting this from a rare trip on London train which has sharpened the senses somewhat).

[Lewis]

Our most recent recruit - the most annoying man I have ever met in my life - commutes in over an hour each way, but he took the job when petrol wasn't even a quid a litre. Now he's significantly worse off than he was in his old job lol.

[Pepe]

:harold:

[AyDee]

2 job offers. :drool:

Second firm has offered me a bit more than expected / I originally asked for, which is nice. Better work/life balance, easy going culture and really exciting tech clients probably makes it an easy choice over the higher paying firm, but might as well wait and see how much more the other firm is willing to pay.

Dreading handing in the notice, mind. It'll no doubt be a sweet ride for 3 months but I do genuinely like my team so it'll be a little bittersweet.

[Lofty]

I travel for free so save nothing but my time when WFH. Ironically the last day in the office before the world went home I got an early finish and then took 3 hours to get home due to cancellations resulting from a suicide at my home station.

It's nice not having to constantly watch the departure boards to see if my day is going to be fucked over by the railway crumbling.

[randomlegend]

Our most recent recruit - the most annoying man I have ever met in my life - commutes in over an hour each way, but he took the job when petrol wasn't even a quid a litre. Now he's significantly worse off than he was in his old job lol.

One of my uncles is some sort of engineer and be used to commute to Abu Dhabi WEEKLY.

[Shindig]

I get the feeling that was paid for. Still wouldn't fancy doing it.

[Ian]

Couldn't be arsed with that shit. Fortnightly maybe.

[randomlegend]

I get the feeling that was paid for. Still wouldn't fancy doing it.

Oh yeah it was absolutely paid for. Just mental.

[Panda Bear]

Courier.No fucking wonder you think people can't work from home--your job literally requires not being home.

[Danny]

I was lucky that I already had a three monitor/desk setup at home for my docked laptop/PS so it was as easy as hooking up the work laptop and dock and running with it. The only downside is the work/life split Foe is talking about. I find I need get away from my desk for a while to really 'switch off' before hitting looking at my own laptop.

[Giggles]

No fucking wonder you think people can't work from home--your job literally requires not being home.

People can’t work from home regardless, because they’re people. The job doesn’t matter.

[Kikó]

We're not all children who need constant supervision.

[Spikey M]

I have targets that I have to meet or I'm in bother. The only difference between being in the office and WFH is that when I'm up to date, I can chill a bit rather than having to scratch about for work.

[Ian]

Similarly it's no more difficult for our managers to see what we're doing WFH than in the office.

[Ben]

One of my uncles is some sort of engineer and be used to commute to Abu Dhabi WEEKLY.

There’s a Scottish sparky at my place who works 8 on, 6 off and commutes from Murcia.

[Lofty]

People can’t work from home regardless, because they’re people. The job doesn’t matter.

If I don't meet my deadlines to the requisite quality every week while working from home I'd be finished on poor performance sharpish. I have worked harder in this continous period at home than in the office, because it has resulted in a higher workload.

[Baz]

I still find it weird that I’m expected to chair meetings. :rosebud:

[SvN]

We spent over 70% of the last working year working from home and had the best financial year we've ever had. WFH absolutely can work, and those that doss around would get quickly found out. It's not been a problem I've had to handle (yet).

[Spikey M]

Dossing will happen to an extent, but it probably just replaces the inevitable chatting that happens when people are together, so there's no real impact of it. Whether you're at work or at home, there's no cunt that actually works for the entirety of their shift.

[SvN]

Of course, I just meant those that decide to spend the day playing on their Xbox instead of working.

[Shindig]

Why not both? :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

My sister works for the Scottish government (from England, these days). Since Nicola said hybrid working could resume from 31 January, a large number of staff in her department of the Scottish civil service have gone utterly militant, with any attempt to get even one day a week in the office going again being met with blank refusals and people getting trade unions involved to ensure permanent working from home for all staff.

Being alone and not having met a colleague in person for two years, she is beside herself and thankfully has just got a new job in the English civil service which will allow office work.

In a year's time this will be yet another public/private sector divide.

[Spikey M]

My colleague once went from "I'm meeting up with some old school friends in London" to "I wouldn't feel safe in the office at the moment" within about 5 minutes. Bless.

At somepoint people will just be told to shut the fuck up and get on with it. It may take a little while longer in Scotland as they have revealed themselves to be particularly moist over the last year or so.

[Foe]

Had a great day today.

1. The world is seething, but let me tell you, the bonus factor for this year is something real nice.

Selling shares left right and centre too before the hedge funds cancel us.

2. Email received that the office Xmas lunch is now scheduled at the end of feb given it was postponed. :drool:

Going into the office for the first time in 3 months tomorrow. Lunch better be good.

Also very likely they want me offshore in may which will be the first time off in about 2.5 years.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab's attempts to deal with English names are hilarious. Just now he was on the phone with a Scotsman named Stephen. He had only seen this written down, so had a stab with the result that he kept calling the guy 'Stephanie'. He is so cocksure of himself that he won't change ever, no matter how batshit confused the customer was or no matter how many times I shouted 'Steven! Steven! Steven!' from the back of the office like an even worse dressed Alan Partridge.

He also refuses to accept that a cold is a virus, and not an illness you can 'catch' via being outside in cold weather.

[Ian]

There's plenty to lol at there but I had a proper chuckle at "like an even worse dressed Alan Partridge."

We have a customer where one of the guy in whatever country they're based in seems to think that despite me otherwise capitalising my updates/emails properly that I must be getting it wrong with my own name and that it must be Lan, so he calls me that. I thought it was just him, but I got updates from one of his colleagues the other day who did the exact same thing so clearly they see a name starting I and just go "Nah, not having that, must be an L."

[Manc]

Don't take it personal, Lan.

[Ian]

Maybe they're all big Wheel of Time fans and they think I give off 'big fighty badass' energy rather than 'big fatty lard-ass' energy and it's a reference to that.

[Shindig]

The new starters are penciled in for the end of the month. Training them and then immediately fucking off for a fortnight. :drool:

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

There's plenty to lol at there but I had a proper chuckle at "like an even worse dressed Alan Partridge."

We have a customer where one of the guy in whatever country they're based in seems to think that despite me otherwise capitalising my updates/emails properly that I must be getting it wrong with my own name and that it must be Lan, so he calls me that. I thought it was just him, but I got updates from one of his colleagues the other day who did the exact same thing so clearly they see a name starting I and just go "Nah, not having that, must be an L."

Lord of the Seven Towers.

[Manc]

3 days in the office confirmed, only 1 of which will have the full team in. :cab:

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Stephen fiasco has clearly unnerved him, so I've just had to do a ten minute session on how to pronounce 'Duncan'.

He rang the guy and nailed it. So proud.

[Spikey M]

This is why you're worth 40k a year. What a man.

[Ben]

*44k

Barney has no right to be seething.

[Ian]

You should convince him to start saying Barney's name the wrong way.

[Kikó]

Yanrab?

[Lewis]

The annoying bastard I mentioned earlier is called Ian, so I say it's short for Brian and it makes him seethe an unreasonable amount.