The All New Jobs Thread

[Shindig]

Back in the office to train this week. Looks like this will be the last of the new starters. One of our previous newbies spent today going through some fast-forward covid. Turned up with the sniffles, those turned into sneezes, two hours later she was wearing sunglasses so she could look at the screen. Went home with about an hour left.

She looks like Brock Lesnar.

[Kikó]

Second mediation today with my boss. She was SEETHING throughout. At the start we had to do a "honey shower" where we said three good things about the other person and the only thing she could offer initially was "did a good zoom hosting". The best bit was near the end where she implied I was either sexist, racist or ageist and that's why I failed to do administrative things like updating the HR system and I would if a male manager told me.

I promptly told the mediators that I'm not going to continue with this and I'm leaving the call. She's an absolute lunatic.

[Lewis]

https://i.imgur.com/eTgyzhK.jpg

[Spikey M]

Second mediation today with my boss. She was SEETHING throughout. At the start we had to do a "honey shower" where we said three good things about the other person and the only thing she could offer initially was "did a good zoom hosting". The best bit was near the end where she implied I was either sexist, racist or ageist and that's why I failed to do administrative things like updating the HR system and I would if a male manager told me.

I promptly told the mediators that I'm not going to continue with this and I'm leaving the call. She's an absolute lunatic.

So your actual bigotry is towards people with mental health issues? Disgusting.

[Giggles]

What sort of a cunting name for that is “honey shower”? Fucking perverts.

[Spikey M]

In the Civil Service over here they call it "filling the bucket". The idea is that you pour so much praise into the bucket, that any holes in the bucket caused by criticism don't matter.

I always thought it was bollocks and Kiko's experience seems to support my view.

"He's very punctual and hosts meetings well, I just wish he wasn't a massive Racist, Sexist, Ageist, Elitist..."

[Don]

Is she an ethnic? Explains a lot.

[Lofty]

Two positives and a negative, aka the turd sandwich.

[Kikó]

So your actual bigotry is towards people with mental health issues? Disgusting.

I'm positive towards all disabilities except small heads.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've been having a whale of a time of late.

Our company has bought a smaller company which does largely the same stuff. They have a place down in the sticks in Hampshire, based literally on a farm, so you can imagine who was given the job of going down there in the first week and educating them about our way of doing things (this is all largely pointless as in six months they'll be shutting and any remaining staff will be coming over to the death star anyway, a la 'the Swindon lot').

So last week I turned up at this place, opening the car door to the sound of moooooo and various other animal noises. This company works in a barn, which has a small office in the corner, and the parts get flogged out the back. Obviously, as long time readers will know, my company is a company in name alone, so I was made to bring my personal laptop to work on and my personal mobile to communicate with the outside world. This proved more difficult than anticipated when it turned out there was no phone signal anywhere on site, so I spent the first half hour walking approx 1km up a nearby hill until I could get a phone signal to receive the 2 step verification codes to log into everything.

When I finally got set up, in a corner, it was clear this was not going to be an easy task. They have a very posh MD, who is coming onto our board, and 3 office staff. They also have a small black dog, which spends most of its time tripping people up and running into the warehouse ('that's just Bertie being Bertie', they said, when I queried if this was a health and safety issue). Their warehouse people basically do fuck all. They have a serious scale problem, which is probably why they've been bought - half of their business is selling £3 little nuts and bolts where you lose money on the deal. We'll be mopping up their stock to widen our range for wholesale, and otherwise we'll be completely abandoning everything they're about. This is obviously hard to communicate to the staff, as I'm trying to be diplomatic, and I'm also too junior to say anything official - so I was telling them the score 'off the record'.

Anyway, this week I've come back to base and the yokels are pounding me with queries, Teams calls etc - they are in serious trouble without a guiding hand there, and already begging me to come back. Sensing strength, for a change, I've told my line manager that I'm not going back there unless the company issues me with a laptop and a second screen to work on, because making me take my own laptop down there is absolute amateur hour. Until this gets approved the yokels are basically fucked, but my line manager apparently 'can't get hold of' the MD to progress my request.

Working for an absolute joke of a company is simultaneously great fun and a real pain in the arse.

[Ian]

Pictures of Bertie next time please.

[Lofty]

This is all a ruse for Bertie to trip Jim over on his next hill walking jaunt.

[Spikey M]

Scenes when Bertie secures the next big deal in the Middle East.

[Shindig]

https://static.simpsonswiki.com/images/thumb/2/29/Executive_vice_president_dog.png/250px-Executive_vice_president_dog.png

[Raoul Duke]

This is all a ruse for Bertie to trip Jim over on his next hill walking jaunt.

Thereby smashing the new laptop to smithereens

[Ian]

Barney seething because somebody tells him Bertie's on £60k. :drool:

[Giggles]

Not giving you a phone and laptop is pure fucking amateur hour.

[Ian]

I don't even have a personal laptop these days so in the very unlikely event that I applied for a job in the tractor engine industry and a firm like Jimmy's wanted me to go anywhere either they or I would be fucked.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Not giving you a phone and laptop is pure fucking amateur hour.

It turned into great fun. As the afternoon wore on, it became clear that the bumpkins wanted me there tomorrow. I said well, fine, but I'm not going there with my personal laptop (I normally take a doormat approach to the bosses so this was a bit of a departure). They thought about it for an hour or so, then the MD came back to me and said: 'Sorry we don't have any spare laptops, what about if you take your laptop, but we'll find you a second screen?' I said I'm sorry for being awkward about this, but it's my personal laptop and company time, I'm happy to work off site but you need to equip me to do it. He went off in a semi-huff, five minutes later came back and magically the IT department had found me a spare laptop which I'll be picking up tomorrow before going there.

The MD then gave a big speech about how we're a professional company and of course we equip our employees properly, and I thought yeah the hell you fucking do.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I really hope it's a Laptop from the 90s.

[Spikey M]

It'll be the bosses grandkids personal laptop. Adorned with some sick Paw Patrol stickers.

[Kikó]

One of those laptops that takes 15 minutes to boot and doesn't work without the power in.

[Ben]

100% this is going to be a brick of a laptop which will infuriate Jim into going back to the personal within an hour.

[Giggles]

I wouldn't even bring it, or at least I wouldn't take it out of the Hotel/B&B/Car/Tent or whatever they have him staying in.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Lol as if they'd put me up. I'm driving down each day, and have been told to use the 'mileage form' which as far as I can see is a figment of their imagination.

12.5 million quid we were sold for.

[Pepe]

It'll be the bosses grandkids personal laptop. Adorned with some sick Paw Patrol stickers.

Bertie will love it.

[igor_balis]

In a 9-1 zoom course thing today. Arrived 15 mins late, didn't realise my microphone wasn't muted by default, so think a few dozen people heard me and my mother's very boring conversation about what she's got on the menu for her work. I hope all the aspiring fundraisers are into gyozo and king prawns. Oops.

[Shindig]

The agency look like they've dropped a bollock with the new starters' accesses. So another week of training to come, at least. One of them decided to just vanish on holiday for a week. She would've been sacked if it wasn't for the fuck up at the agency. Well played. :D

[Foe]

Came offshore for a week into a semi covid world where face masks are still required everywhere. Hell.

They had banana angel delight at lunch though. So not all bad.

[Kikó]

Brief update from my non-descriptive work drama. We entered into a mediation process with two people in HR who took us through 9 hours of trying to resolve our relationship. It basically ended up being a free swing at me for most of it saying how it's my fault she is a complete dick of a manager. The best when she accused me of not respecting her because she is a woman (or due to her age or nationality).

Anyway, we left the last session with this week we were to "think of how we could work together" (without really having addressed her calling me an -ist previously). I sent an email earlier in the week saying actually fuck carrying this on. She did as well and the mediators played that back this afternoon. So on one side the relationship is now dead, the other is I have no idea what happens next from a work perspective.

I've got a potential few job ideas which hopefully takes me out of the situation internally and externally. Great first 6 months in Germany!

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is this all in English? If so, how good is the English from those involved who aren't you? Would seem quite important when it comes to precision and so on.

[Ben]

I work for a German company and they don’t let me speak German and probably have better English than me.

[Shindig]

The only way to resolve this is to be more sexist, clearly.

[Giggles]

HR my hole. All they ever look after is the higher up in the company no matter what’s gone on. Get some independent representation in any further meetings.

[Kikó]

Is this all in English? If so, how good is the English from those involved who aren't you? Would seem quite important when it comes to precision and so on.

All in English but with non native (although my boss is fluent in English). One of the mediators was a bit useless in understanding everything and it was set up in such a way that she had a free swing.

Giggles- as far as I can tell this is all a "we tried" exercise and then the next bit should be finding me a new home (perhaps they will say I can make it a formal grievance).

[Baz]

Out of office set for 3 weeks :drool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I work for a German company and they don’t let me speak German and probably have better English than me.

Yeah but there's a big difference between speaking it 'fluently' and really understanding nuance in fraught situations, especially when it comes to the Germans.

[Panda Bear]

Brief update from my non-descriptive work drama. We entered into a mediation process with two people in HR who took us through 9 hours of trying to resolve our relationship. It basically ended up being a free swing at me for most of it saying how it's my fault she is a complete dick of a manager. The best when she accused me of not respecting her because she is a woman (or due to her age or nationality).

Anyway, we left the last session with this week we were to "think of how we could work together" (without really having addressed her calling me an -ist previously). I sent an email earlier in the week saying actually fuck carrying this on. She did as well and the mediators played that back this afternoon. So on one side the relationship is now dead, the other is I have no idea what happens next from a work perspective.

I've got a potential few job ideas which hopefully takes me out of the situation internally and externally. Great first 6 months in Germany!I still don't understand how things went so tits up, but I imagine you may not either.

[Spikey M]

I still don't understand how things went so tits up, but I imagine you may not either.

Please see the UK Politics thread.

[Ian]

You beat me to it by a fucking second.

This does all continue to sound reet shit though, Keeks.

[Kikó]

Very different working styles in reality. Her situation is she's trying to quickly get promoted and is currently a star in the CFOs eyes so is trying to bank it while she can. Throw into the mix that she is pregnant which means she's got to take time off work (reducing her time to make her promotion charge). Mix it in with a very direct, rude and belittling communication style, made the whole thing untenable.

[Manc sean]

Very different working styles in reality. Her situation is she's trying to quickly get promoted and is currently a star in the CFOs eyes so is trying to bank it while she can. Throw into the mix that she is pregnant which means she's got to take time off work (reducing her time to make her promotion charge). Mix it in with a very direct, rude and belittling communication style, made the whole thing untenable.

If someone asked me to attended mediation I'd just tell them to fuck off. What a load of bollocks.

[Kikó]

Yeah in hindsight, that was definitely what should have happened.

[Panda Bear]

Is the following rendition basically how your working relationship started?

You are Kiko, and you have been asked to do some financial analysis. You perform to the standard that has seen you praised at every other workplace and got you this new job. You submit your work for review, eagerly awaiting the blossoming of a great working relationship.

"What the hell is this? This is very bad work. How did you get this job?"

"Please don't talk to me like that."

"You are sexist, ageist and racist."

[Kikó]

Pretty much (except for me doing financial analysis).

[Panda Bear]

Pretty much (except for me doing financial analysis).Sounds like I need to visit your LinkedIn.

[Manc]

Throw into the mix that she is pregnant.

You could have started with this.

[Panda Bear]

I thought you finished at Mountbatten.

[Spikey M]

Or MountBlack'uns as he called it.

[randomlegend]

So at work we are chronically understaffed. We just about get by with locums but still not all the shifts get filled.

Management keep telling our rota co-ordinator to come up with a solution. She has made multiple proposals which all get turned down.

Most recently, she has come up with a 14 person rota (currently we have an 11 person rota) with plans to employ 2 extra people +1 who is coming back from mat leave. There would be no issue finding people for those roles as we had over 200 applications last time we advertised.

This rota would be SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper to run than what we currently pay for locum cover and would actually fill all the gaps (unlike the current set-up). It would virtually eliminate the need for locums within the department, aside from last minute sickness etc.

Management have said we can't do this because we can't afford it. When it was pointed out it would be much cheaper, they said that paying for locums comes out of a different budget so it's not relevant.

And Lee wonders why we think his lot are morons.

[Baz]

Yeah my team is chocker with agency staff, and nobody applies for the posts when advertised full time cos the pay is garbage.

[Manc sean]

Management have said we can't do this because we can't afford it. When it was pointed out it would be much cheaper, they said that paying for locums comes out of a different budget so it's not relevant.

And Lee wonders why we think his lot are morons.

This is any govt funded body. MOD and its core subbies the same. It's all pots of money, but when you point out to someone that if you were to go back up the ladder a few rungs it's all one big pot of money no one wants to hear it/says they cant do anything about it. Leads to serious waste. Frustrating.

[Shindig]

We've been understaffed since half-way through the pandemic. We tend to shift people off specialised tasks to do the grunt work, leading to that work building up. The agency staff we've hired haven't made a dent on workload. Replacing 30 people with 8 doesn't add up.

[Spikey M]

This is any govt funded body. MOD and its core subbies the same. It's all pots of money, but when you point out to someone that if you were to go back up the ladder a few rungs it's all one big pot of money no one wants to hear it/says they cant do anything about it. Leads to serious waste. Frustrating.

When I was at the MOJ they had a strict no overtime policy - no matter how far behind we were - for 9 months of the year. Then in January the B Band would say "well, if we don't use our budget, they'll take it away" and they'd switch to pretty much unlimited overtime until April. Half the time doing unnecessary filing. This happened 4 years on the trot and is almost certainly still happening.

They could probably half our tax rates if they made the Civil Service in anyway fit for purpose.

[Lewis]

So at work we are chronically understaffed. We just about get by with locums but still not all the shifts get filled.

Management keep telling our rota co-ordinator to come up with a solution. She has made multiple proposals which all get turned down.

Most recently, she has come up with a 14 person rota (currently we have an 11 person rota) with plans to employ 2 extra people +1 who is coming back from mat leave. There would be no issue finding people for those roles as we had over 200 applications last time we advertised.

This rota would be SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper to run than what we currently pay for locum cover and would actually fill all the gaps (unlike the current set-up). It would virtually eliminate the need for locums within the department, aside from last minute sickness etc.

Management have said we can't do this because we can't afford it. When it was pointed out it would be much cheaper, they said that paying for locums comes out of a different budget so it's not relevant.

And Lee wonders why we think his lot are morons.

With something this obvious and so stupid, can't they just keep going further up the chain until some minister steps in? It seems like something the government (even this government) would want to fix.

[Kikó]

There's probably the flip side of taking someone on full time and the added pension costs/full time rights you get. Hire and fire without strings is easier. Plus they're the first to go when cuts are needed to be found.

[randomlegend]

There's probably the flip side of taking someone on full time and the added pension costs/full time rights you get. Hire and fire without strings is easier. Plus they're the first to go when cuts are needed to be found.

Locums aren't "hired". You offer the empty shifts up and people offer to fill them.

The only reason she's even being asked to fix it is because we can't consistently fill all the locum gaps. The management outright told her that if we could fill all the locum gaps, that would be the preferred option (even though that would cost EVEN MORE than we're currently spending and massively more than the proposed rota).

It's just insanity.

We get paid £35 an hour for in-hours (weekday daytime essentially) and £45 an hour for out-of-hours. So it costs the trust over a grand to have me locum for a weekend, and most weekends are available if I want them.

[Kikó]

And all you do is Tik tok.

[Pepe]

https://betonit.substack.com/p/the-joy-of-government-employment?s=r

[phonics]

So tired of this

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/915269392865050705/971034759260160010/unknown.png

[Kikó]

No chance you're middleweight.

[Baz]

If you need to build your portfolio I need some scheduled pretty instagram posts creating :henn0rz: Legit biz

[Luke Emia]

I've got three nights down in Horsham at the end of the month. Doesn't someone on here live round there?

[phonics]

If you need to build your portfolio I need some scheduled pretty instagram posts creating :henn0rz: Legit biz

I don't need to build my portfolio. I charge 40 quid an hour so if you have the budget I'm happy to.

[Spikey M]

You just lost the opportunity to have your work seen by tens of people.

[Baz]

I don't need to build my portfolio. I charge 40 quid an hour so if you have the budget I'm happy to.

Have you done instagrams? Can I see?

Some are absolutely mega (https://instagram.com/darknetflix?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=).

[phonics]

behance.net/joeentwistle

[niko_cee]

I've got three nights down in Horsham at the end of the month. Doesn't someone on here live round there?

Near Brighton so maybe Regista? I may be a resident of said place in the not too distant future, but not within your time frame. Was there at the beginning of Easter and it seemed a decent place.

[Lofty]

'A high level of technical proficiency in Excel' is not wingable, is it?

[Ben]

Depends on the job but I'd say so. Most people think being able to utilise conditional formatting and IF functions is incredible.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I can do everything except macros and pivot tables (honestly, fuck pivot tables) and I would probably try and blag the above description for myself.

[Baz]

'A high level of technical proficiency in Excel' is not wingable, is it?

You can pretty much Google any fancy formulas you need.

[Giggles]

About 50% of my week in an old job was spent on pivot tables. Horrible things.

[Boydy]

I still don't know what pivot tables are.

[Raoul Duke]

Pivot Tables are 100% gangsta, and you should all know that

[Panda Bear]

I know an architect who gets gently mocked at his workplace of eight for knowing what pivot tables are.

[randomlegend]

There's a (quite nice) doctor's mess at work which is a bit out of the way and so nobody uses it other than me and occasionally about 2 other people.

One of them is super odd but seems to have decided we're friends and keeps talking to me.

Fortunately he's not there enough to actually ruin it for me but it's still upsetting.

[Kikó]

I still don't know what pivot tables are.

It's basically creating a view from a dataset/table in Excel using the column headers as fields. It allows you to filter and calculate things quickly without editing the source data. Aren't you a python knob now?

I've had an offer today from one of the big digital banks. I've got another interview tomorrow with one of the big American banks (4th interview) so hoping to go into next week with a decision to make.

[Boydy]

Game recognise game.

Out of the way, Kiko, you dickhead

[Kikó]

Sorry for the pivot.

[Boydy]

It's basically creating a view from a dataset/table in Excel using the column headers as fields. It allows you to filter and calculate things quickly without editing the source data. Aren't you a python knob now?

I've had an offer today from one of the big digital banks. I've got another interview tomorrow with one of the big American banks (4th interview) so hoping to go into next week with a decision to make.
Weirdly I've just moved to a team that uses python which I haven't used before.

I don't fuck with Excel though. I never use spreadsheets in my job.

[phonics]

Sharing my portfolio and Baz stop replying and change the subject is much like my actual job search.

[Panda Bear]

Sharing my portfolio and Baz stop replying and change the subject is much like my actual job search.Did you order your portfolio chronologically instead of strongest works first? Your starting project, at first glance, certainly doesn't look like it should be.

[Boydy]

Sharing my portfolio and Baz stop replying and change the subject is much like my actual job search.

I'd have looked at it if you'd linked it properly.

[Giggles]

Sorry for the pivot.

:cool:

[Shindig]

Speaking of pivots, this erm ... business might be going a couple of interesting ways.

[Panda Bear]

Speaking of pivots, this erm ... business might be going a couple of interesting ways.Okay.

[Shindig]

Well, either it's nothing or we all have to relocate.

[Baz]

Sharing my portfolio and Baz stop replying and change the subject is much like my actual job search.

It was all about AIDS, and didn’t really load very well on my phone on hospital WiFi, sorry.

[SvN]

Was phonics hoping for Baz to offer him a job?

[Lewis]

The profile headshot looks like a social media-savvy 'rising star' in the BNP.

[Panda Bear]

Was phonics hoping for Baz to offer him a job?

No. He was making a comparison between Baz showing initial interest followed by no response to his experience dealing with potential employers.

[Panda Bear]

Well, either it's nothing or we all have to relocate.

There we go. Smack those two posts together, and we have a proper post. :cool:

[phonics]

Was phonics hoping for Baz to offer him a job?

Im available

[Panda Bear]

SvN

[Spikey M]

Panda, have you been involved in some kind of accident mate?

[Kikó]

Here comes the ambulance chaser. 🙄

[Lofty]

Pivot tables and standard fomulas look wingable, what about dashboards?

[Kikó]

I think also googleable.

[Manc]

Don't encourage him.

[Yevrah]

If the person interviewing you understands Excel and genuinely wants "A high level of technical proficiency in Excel" (by any reasonable definition) then you'll have no chance of winging it. If they don't then you'll be fine.

[phonics]

I got a reply back! First one in 4 months.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is that a competitive sector? The jobs market in general is pretty friendly at the moment, or so I'm told.

[phonics]

They say that but I've had a shit ton of no's from having standards. I'm sure it's probably pretty easy for a 18 year old but a 30 year old with salary expectations not so much.

[Pepe]

I'd hate to have to use Excel on a frequent basis. Annoying-ass piece of software.

[Panda Bear]

Panda, have you been involved in some kind of accident mate?

I submit my thesis today, and then I go off to be an architect.

[Pepe]

Do you, like most architects, like ugly buildings?

[Kikó]

Told by the mediators today that actually they don't think it's bullying and I just need to get on with it. Cool cheers.

[Ben]

Not siding with the pregnant lady isn't a good look. You were on a hiding to nothing there.

[Panda Bear]

Do you, like most architects, like ugly buildings?

Yes.

[Ian]

:D

[Pepe]

I see a bright career ahead, then.

[Boydy]

Yes.

What are your favourite buildings?

[Lewis]

This architect move feels like it's been over a decade in the making.

[Boydy]

Tbf isn't architecture like a seven year degree or something mad?

[Panda Bear]

What are your favourite buildings?That's like picking your favourite child, which I have been made to understand is very easy to do. I'll provide you with a working link: https://www.archdaily.com/376900/jacob-and-wilhelm-grimm-centre-max-dudler. I genuinely teared up when I visited. :happycry:


This architect move feels like it's been over a decade in the making.The move began fall 2011, so yes, you are correct. The Move dragged due to the concerned party failing to man up/get over it/etc regarding a slew of health problems.

[Panda Bear]

Tbf isn't architecture like a seven year degree or something mad?If everything had gone well, I would've gone in fall 2011 and exited spring 2015 with a Master's. The question here is what happened the other seven years.

[Boydy]

I said buildings!

[Giggles]

What are your favourite buildings?

Never mind that, HAVE YOU WATCHED SEVERANCE?

[Panda Bear]

Never mind that, HAVE YOU WATCHED SEVERANCE? Boydy

[Panda Bear]

https://www.archdaily.com/925363/yves-saint-laurent-museum-marrakech-studio-ko

[Boydy]

I did finish it and thought it got a lot better towards the end but I still didn't think it was as great as people made out.

[Manc]

Told by the mediators today that actually they don't think it's bullying and I just need to get on with it. Cool cheers.

White male privilege is beginning to backfire.

[Pepe]

I'll provide you with a working link: https://www.archdaily.com/376900/jacob-and-wilhelm-grimm-centre-max-dudler. I genuinely teared up when I visited. :happycry:

Damn. :D

Grimm centre indeed.

[Giggles]

I did finish it and thought it got a lot better towards the end but I still didn't think it was as great as people made out.

Thank Christ.

[Panda Bear]

I did finish it and thought it got a lot better towards the end but I still didn't think it was as great as people made out.

Bernanke

[Panda Bear]

Damn. :D

Grimm centre indeed.https://luispinaphotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Berlin-Day-4_DSC1695-1024x712-1160x665.jpg
:happycry:

[Lofty]

Told by the mediators today that actually they don't think it's bullying and I just need to get on with it. Cool cheers.

Anti English bias, get Farage involved.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Everything that architects like looks like something Mussolini would have commissioned in between his breakfast-time rapes, which I think says a lot about architects.

[Kikó]

Anti English bias, get Farage involved.

I've been SEETHING for weeks. I feel like the UK entry at Eurovision.

[AyDee]

Final day of my 3 month notice period. What a time to be alive.

[Shindig]

I'm hopeful next week is the last time I sit with the new starter. Waiting for accesses is a bitch. And another one of the recent hires is somehow managing 30% productivity.

[Ian]

On a work call and some fella didn't realise he wasn't on mute when he started talking about football with somebody nearby and said "I mean how fucking shit is Bruno Fernandes?" loudly into his microphone, before going on to say something about "John fucking McGinn." Highlight of the call.

[Shindig]

The office opposite us has a guide dog. I can't think of a cooler thing than an office dog.

[SvN]

We have two.

[AyDee]

Jealous.

Any of your workers fully (ish) remote, SVN? My partner's a junior dev and looking for a remote job but happy popping into the office if there're dogs. Shrewd incentive.

[Spikey M]

I've worked with a few dogs in my time.

[Lofty]

Bet laddo was gutted seeing SVN had decided the two dogs were grafting harder than he was.

[Jimmy Floyd]

An office dog works in certain office cultures. At our place however it would be a race to see who could have it put down first and gain the chairman's favour.

[Ian]

Any Bertie updates, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've not been down there for a while, but I presume he remains canine.

Here's a picture I took of him when I was there a few weeks back, looking longingly into the warehouse.

https://i.ibb.co/Ssn4P8D/dog.jpg

[Spikey M]

Dawwwwww

[Ben]

I was thinking Barney for a moment.

[Spikey M]

He's twice the employee Barney will ever be.

[Spikey M]

I've just been speaking to a Child Social Worker called Maria Hindle. :D

I just about remained composed. She must get some shit though. Of all the jobs to go into.

[SvN]

Jealous.

Any of your workers fully (ish) remote, SVN? My partner's a junior dev and looking for a remote job but happy popping into the office if there're dogs. Shrewd incentive.

Nope, everyone comes in at least once a fortnight, and most people are in at least twice per week. It's a pretty nice balance overall.

[Ian]

Bertie. :cool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just come in a bit early from lunch, the Arab has spent it at his desk working on a long quote with some hip hop or whatever ploughing through his very leaky headphones. Keeps rapping along to it in his accent. N-words flying around like nobody's business, it's like being at a 1920s lynching.

[Ben]

I just got offered a chocolate button by an electrician. I should have known there was something up, as electricians give away fuck all for free, and it turns out it was one of those Carolina Reaper things.

Currently chugging the office's weekend supply of milk.

[Jimmy Floyd]

....back to reality
OH there goes gravity
OH there goes rabbit he
CHOKED he's so mad but he
WON'T give up that easy
NO he won't have it he
KNOWS his old back's to these
ROPES it don't matter he's
DOPE he knows that but he's
BROKE

etc

all in the voice of Comical Ali. I might have to feign a migraine and work from home.

[Ian]

I'm not sure anything in all my years on the board had prepared me for Jimmy quoting Eminem lyrics.

[Panda Bear]

I'm not sure anything in all my years on the board had prepared me for Jimmy quoting Eminem lyrics.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_%C3%A0_deux

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I just got offered a chocolate button by an electrician. I should have known there was something up, as electricians give away fuck all for free, and it turns out it was one of those Carolina Reaper things.

Currently chugging the office's weekend supply of milk.
:D

[AyDee]

First day at new job and the work laptop didn't arrive in time.

First scheduled hour of the day? "Setting up the laptop with IT".

Good start. :moop:

[Ben]

I'm setting up a project to tentatively start in July and I've just been quoted March 2023 for delivery of critical equipment. :eyemouth:

[Kikó]

Resigned today. Feels good.

[Jimmy Floyd]

From the whole shebang or just from that gig?

[Shindig]

Well, now you can be as sexist as you want.

[phonics]

Resigned today. Feels good.

I swear mediation is a joke. The boss always wins and you end up resigning.

[randomlegend]

Resigned today. Feels good.

Glad you're out of what sounded like a very shitty situation, but it is pretty disgraceful it's come to this.

Hope you end up somewhere better.

[Kikó]

I had a few things internally that were potentials but decided to just take a clean cut. It'll be quite a difference moving to a company with <2000 people rather >80000 and it's remote first so I can do no work/occasionally travel to HQ in Berlin to work with my team as well.

What I learned in Germany as well is they have no explicit rules on "bullying" so you're basically screwed.

[niko_cee]

So much for those workers' rights the EU is all about eh?

[phonics]

Contacted about a job at Paramount and one for the people who do all of BT Sports inhouse graphics. :yn::yn::yn:

[randomlegend]

Contacted about a job at Paramount and one for the people who do all of BT Sports inhouse graphics. :yn::yn::yn:

Sound like cool opportunities, good luck. Do you have to do interviews next or?

[phonics]

Let's hope. They were doing background checks on salary expectations and right to work etc.

Speaking of though, does anyone else feel that job people asking salary expectations prior to being offered the job is kind of bullshit. Like you have no idea if you're massively undercutting yourself or if you're actually ruining your chance at a job by over expecting even if you were willing to take less.

[Ben]

Yes it is bullshit. But don't let that stop you going big to start with. I gave a figure for my current job expecting them to negotiate me down and they went for it. Rookie error.

[Kikó]

I just said what my salary is and said that's par. The new company offered about 10% better and I'm waiting on another offer. I'm sure I could have asked for more but I'm actually happy with where I'm at.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Same here, when I took this job about 4 years ago I just named my price and he bit my hand off, should have said £3 billion a day.

[Giggles]

I just said what my salary is and said that's par. The new company offered about 10% better and I'm waiting on another offer. I'm sure I could have asked for more but I'm actually happy with where I'm at.

Happy? Did you kill her or something?

[AyDee]

I'm quite fortunate that junior solicitor salaries are actually quite transparent. Nearly all firms publish their salaries for newly qualified solicitors and then you just extrapolate and compare to your existing salary.

In contrast, being asked to give an expected salary in a sector where there's little transparency is a shitty practice.

[Kikó]

Happy? Did you kill her or something?

I'm at as in salary rather than my current job.

[phonics]

I lived in a country that had an average salary of 65k a year for the last decade so the figures don’t really line up.

[Giggles]

More is always better anyway.

[Spikey M]

More is always better anyway.

It's all relative though because the price of things will also be high.

I remember seeing something about Bermuda on TV a while back. Their average wage was 70 grand a year or something, but a 2 bed apartment was about 5 grand a month so they're no better off in real terms.

[Giggles]

Yeah but for Kiko, if you can get more then get more. You can’t be happy with what you’re getting if you can get more for the same thing in the same place.

[Kikó]

Definitely. I was also conscious of not pricing myself out so what I've been offered is good considering it helps me move out of the shit role.

[Panda Bear]

It's all relative though because the price of things will also be high.

I remember seeing something about Bermuda on TV a while back. Their average wage was 70 grand a year or something, but a 2 bed apartment was about 5 grand a month so they're no better off in real terms.That's when you investigate things like median wage, distribution and standard deviations.

I would imagine the people paying five grand a month for a two bedroom apartment are making well, well over seventy grand a year.

[Lewis]

Can't see any payrise covering getting donned out of your big Germany job by Irma Grese. The shame of it.

[Pepe]

It's always tough when you've never been told no before in your life.

[Shindig]

Nein :dc:

[Kikó]

It's always tough when you've never been told no before in your life.

🤥

[Spikey M]

It's always tough when you've never been told no before in your life.

Aren't you the grandchild of a President?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Went to talk to the MD yesterday about something else, he dropped in that we'll be moving to flexi time soon.

This is like Mr Banks buying the kids an ounce of weed each.

[Giggles]

I’ve got a new job in work. It’s billed as a “promotion” but it’s really only for someone elses benefit. Not sure what to do about it but what I want to do is just not take it and stay as I am. Doing that normally just stamps someone’s ticket out the door in the end up though.

[Ian]

Went to talk to the MD yesterday about something else, he dropped in that we'll be moving to flexi time soon.

This is like Mr Banks buying the kids an ounce of weed each.

I absolutely cannot wait to see what your firm's interpretation of flexi is.

"For every extra hour you work we'll give you five minutes back, but for every hour you take off you'll owe us a day."

[Pepe]

Look at him showing off his custom smileys while the common folk is stuck with the default ones.

[Panda Bear]

Aren't you the grandchild of a President? Answer him, Pepe.

[Pepe]

My great grandfather (not sure how many generations up) was the brother of a former president (who got killed 15 months into the job. Mexico lol). Not that I knew anyone from that side of the family, apart from my aunt who killed herself.

[Baz]

Out of office set for 3 weeks :drool:

Into my third week off. Tempted to book next week off too. :uhoh:

[Kikó]

Notice period in. Manager offered a shorter period which was very kind but decided that I'll ride out the the next 10 weeks and take the accrued holiday while doing not very much in the mean time.

[Shindig]

Man, they really wanted you out.

[Kikó]

All the work dried up because of this mediation process so I had basically already handed over. There's no real reason to stay that long over than I want paid holiday.

[Spikey M]

Are you staying in Germany?

[Kikó]

Yeah. The likely new job hq is Berlin but they're going to be pushing for remote first so I'll just commute once a month.

[Giggles]

Where are you now? I'm going to Germany in a couple of months :beer:

You're deifntely well off out of that whole setup though. She sounds like a head case.

[Shindig]

Hopefully the bullshit doesn't follow you.

[Ian]

Giggles / Kiko meeting up for a couple of informals. :cool:

[Spikey M]

There's a Netflix series waiting to be made.

[Manc]

The old man's gone soft.

[Ian]

That happens with age, I suppose.

[Don]

The missus got mild COVID (little headache and cough for a couple days) during our holiday in Turkey and she's just gone up to HR and requested her annual leave back, the cheeky fuck. They said 'we don't do that here, love' but immediately changed their tune when she linked to GOV.UK guidance. I didn't know this was a thing.

[Kikó]

Where are you now? I'm going to Germany in a couple of months :beer:

You're deifntely well off out of that whole setup though. She sounds like a head case.

If you do end up in Frankfurt, we can definitely have an informal pint.

[igor_balis]

Went to talk to the MD yesterday about something else, he dropped in that we'll be moving to flexi time soon.

This is like Mr Banks buying the kids an ounce of weed each.

Want my cousin to knock up a couple of memes?

[Lofty]

The missus got mild COVID (little headache and cough for a couple days) during our holiday in Turkey and she's just gone up to HR and requested her annual leave back, the cheeky fuck. They said 'we don't do that here, love' but immediately changed their tune when she linked to GOV.UK guidance. I didn't know this was a thing.

It's standard at big companies but can be a bit of a grift. Same way you accrue holidays when you are on the sick.


It's a massive bone of contention on the railway because someone will be off full pay for 6 months then come back to work and take all their owed holidays. I did it once and they basically said 'take the rest of the month off' to clear my outstanding holiday allowance :drool:

[Giggles]

If you do end up in Frankfurt, we can definitely have an informal pint.

Will be Munich. Was actually due to go to Frankfurt earlier this year but it was knocked on the head and covered remotely.

[Spikey M]

I really need my old manager back from beyond the grave. Her counterpart is currently juggling the whole team and she has one mode: Panic Stations. I don't really do Panic Stations, so we butt heads a bit. Not Kiko levels of butting heads, but I can tell my matter of fact ways get her back up a bit. Not enough drama when "it is what it is" is my default setting.

Anyway, a few weeks ago we heard from a neighbour that there was a putrid smell coming from one of the properties. She said the immortal words "it smells like death". Further investigation confirmed it was indeed death, and the 8 weeks without payment suggested it had been a while.

Well, the Council now want 12 weeks of Housing Benefit back and my manager is having kittens. "This is going to be a huge arrears case, what are we going to tell *big boss*?!"

I don't know, we could start with "she died and nobody knew". I imagine that would probably do it tbh.

Calm down ffs.

[CJay]

I really need my old manager back from beyond the grave. Her counterpart is currently juggling the whole team and she has one mode: Panic Stations. I don't really do Panic Stations, so we butt heads a bit. Not Kiko levels of butting heads, but I can tell my matter of fact ways get her back up a bit. Not enough drama when "it is what it is" is my default setting.

Anyway, a few weeks ago we heard from a neighbour that there was a putrid smell coming from one of the properties. She said the immortal words "it smells like death". Further investigation confirmed it was indeed death, and the 8 weeks without payment suggested it had been a while.

Well, the Council now want 12 weeks of Housing Benefit back and my manager is having kittens. "This is going to be a huge arrears case, what are we going to tell *big boss*?!"

I don't know, we could start with "she died and nobody knew". I imagine that would probably do it tbh.

Calm down ffs.

Won't they just write it off? She's hardly sitting on much money (for an estate to pay off the debt) if no one noticed she was gone for 8 weeks. Your manager sounds like a head case.

[Spikey M]

Won't they just write it off? She's hardly sitting on much money (for an estate to pay off the debt) if no one noticed she was gone for 8 weeks. Your manager sounds like a head case.

Yeah, it'll be written off. I have never known us try to claim from an estate, largely because pretty much nobody we house is likely to have one anyway.

At worse the boss will ask why her death went undetected for so long and why no welfare check was carried out, to which the answer is "people that stop paying also usually stop taking our phonecalls and opening the door to us. It's normal. We can't exactly get the police to force entry everytime that happens or we'd need Essex police on a permanent retainer".

[Magic]

This has all gone absolutely horribly wrong. They are making me claim mileage from HQ (Glasgow) so I've lost out on £750 of expenses since I started.

They've also told me to stay away from Glasgow. Absolute nightmare situation. Totally bombed it lads. Left a £65-75k job for a complete nightmare. Fucked it. I sent the MD who hired me an email saying it needs to be sorted otherwise my position is untenable and he's ignoring my calls and texts etc.

[niko_cee]

Has he paid his rent recently?

[Spikey M]

Nah, he's living in Magics head rent free.

[Baz]

This has all gone absolutely horribly wrong. They are making me claim mileage from HQ (Glasgow) so I've lost out on £750 of expenses since I started.

They've also told me to stay away from Glasgow. Absolute nightmare situation. Totally bombed it lads. Left a £65-75k job for a complete nightmare. Fucked it. I sent the MD who hired me an email saying it needs to be sorted otherwise my position is untenable and he's ignoring my calls and texts etc.

Shite one, that.

[SvN]

What's wrng with staying away from Glasglow? Because it means you can't claim mileage?

[Magic]

What's wrng with staying away from Glasglow? Because it means you can't claim mileage?

Yep, they are saying my 'starting point' is HQ so I can't have any meetings near there...but they have a caveat to say 'or home if it means less miles'.

So if I go to Aberdeen I can't claim from Glasgow, has to be my house. :cab:

The MD is ignoring me.

[Pepe]

At least you invested in Mellin, Magic.

[phonics]

I’m broke and the local shitty pub just had a walk out and I said I’d fill some hours, blagging that id done it before. Anything I need to learn outside of learning how to change a keg?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab turned up in Ferrari shoes today. Like, black loafers with a prancing horse stitched into the top. I'm not sure if it was his most alpha move yet or his most beta.

[Boydy]

I’m broke and the local shitty pub just had a walk out and I said I’d fill some hours, blagging that id done it before. Anything I need to learn outside of learning how to change a keg?

If you can pour a pint you'll be grand. Even if you can't, just blame it on the tap until you get the hang of it.

[Lewis]

The Arab turned up in Ferrari shoes today. Like, black loafers with a prancing horse stitched into the top. I'm not sure if it was his most alpha move yet or his most beta.

You must have some Formula 1 clobber knocking about to challenge him.

[Ian]

https://medias.spotern.com/wanted/w640/50/50210-1569308573.jpg

[Pepe]

I had a (fake) Ferrari jacket when I was a young'un. Bright red with a black logo on the breast. I went between thinking it was the coolest thing ever to being embarrassed by it on an hourly basis.

[Magic]

I've got a video call with the new MD called 'mileage' at 1000.

Think I might just jack it, because if there was any chance of this being resolved it would have been an apology, an adhoc credit in my bank and confirmation it's all sorted going forward.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This flexi time rollout is one of the great shambles, even by this company's standards. First of all we were told that it constituted starting an hour earlier to finish an hour later or vice versa on the same day, and had to be pre-arranged in advance for a good reason (i.e. non-flexi flexitime). Then one of the department managers started saying it was the opposite, and you could rock up 20 minutes late if you finished 20 minutes late whenever you want, and could accumulate time across multiple days etc. Others then went into uproar that their department had been told differently. Everyone is claiming they want to change their hours to 7-4 or whatever, as if any of these fucks are capable of getting up that early.

Then this morning we were all handed forms to sign agreeing to move onto 'the new Flexible Working Hours Policy', without stating what it actually was. I said I can't sign it until I know what it is. The MD looked at me like I'd stepped on his toe. Then he went around collecting the forms and shredded them, saying 'the policy needs amending'. Not heard anything since.

[Kikó]

Lol. Amazing shitshow which clearly hasn't been thought through properly. It surely isn't that hard to be coherent?
Boydy what's your programming language and what did you use to get up to speed?

[Panda Bear]

I've got a video call with the new MD called 'mileage' at 1000.

Think I might just jack it, because if there was any chance of this being resolved it would have been an apology, an adhoc credit in my bank and confirmation it's all sorted going forward.Well?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

This flexi time rollout is one of the great shambles, even by this company's standards. First of all we were told that it constituted starting an hour earlier to finish an hour later or vice versa on the same day, and had to be pre-arranged in advance for a good reason (i.e. non-flexi flexitime). Then one of the department managers started saying it was the opposite, and you could rock up 20 minutes late if you finished 20 minutes late whenever you want, and could accumulate time across multiple days etc. Others then went into uproar that their department had been told differently. Everyone is claiming they want to change their hours to 7-4 or whatever, as if any of these fucks are capable of getting up that early.

Then this morning we were all handed forms to sign agreeing to move onto 'the new Flexible Working Hours Policy', without stating what it actually was. I said I can't sign it until I know what it is. The MD looked at me like I'd stepped on his toe. Then he went around collecting the forms and shredded them, saying 'the policy needs amending'. Not heard anything since.

Donning the MD :cool:

[Boydy]

Lol. Amazing shitshow which clearly hasn't been thought through properly. It surely isn't that hard to be coherent?
Boydy what's your programming language and what did you use to get up to speed?
Learning programming from scratch or just moving from one language to another?

Learnt from scratch on a masters conversion course where my first language was Java.

I've picked up Javascript, Go and recently Python along the way. Udemy is normally pretty good for courses. I'll go through a course (or at least a bit of one) when picking up a new language or framework on there and then just pick up the rest from the existing codebase I'm working on. There's enough on there to learn it all on your own though.

Anything in particular you want to learn? I can have a look at what courses are good and try to give you some advice if you like.

[Kikó]

SQL and probably machine learning more generally. Both will be used in my new job pretty much so trying to get up to speed.

Appreciate it!

[Boydy]

You probably can't go wrong with datacamp if that's the sort of thing you're after. The data scientists at my last place were big fans of it. I assume you'll be using Python for ML?

[Kikó]

I'm not actually sure - will learn in the coming months when I join. I'm on freecodeCamp at the moment.

[SvN]

I thought about offering Flexi time, but it means I'd probably end up having to man the phones if the receptionist decided to start/finish early. And fuck that for a game.

[Don]

Was thinking about giving Python a go for bants (without any prior background in this shit), is uDemy the place?

[Boydy]

There's tons of stuff everywhere online and much of it free but although udemy costs (it's usually cheap/has a "sale" on or there should be voucher codes if you google - never pay more than £15 for a course), you can't go wrong with the more popular, higher-rated courses on there.

[Magic]

Well?

Ambiguous answer and I've still not got my money back...

[Ian]

This flexi time rollout is one of the great shambles, even by this company's standards. First of all we were told that it constituted starting an hour earlier to finish an hour later or vice versa on the same day, and had to be pre-arranged in advance for a good reason (i.e. non-flexi flexitime). Then one of the department managers started saying it was the opposite, and you could rock up 20 minutes late if you finished 20 minutes late whenever you want, and could accumulate time across multiple days etc. Others then went into uproar that their department had been told differently. Everyone is claiming they want to change their hours to 7-4 or whatever, as if any of these fucks are capable of getting up that early.

Then this morning we were all handed forms to sign agreeing to move onto 'the new Flexible Working Hours Policy', without stating what it actually was. I said I can't sign it until I know what it is. The MD looked at me like I'd stepped on his toe. Then he went around collecting the forms and shredded them, saying 'the policy needs amending'. Not heard anything since.

The most predictable outcome.

[-james-]

SQL and probably machine learning more generally. Both will be used in my new job pretty much so trying to get up to speed.

Appreciate it!

There are loads of courses on udemy and the like that probably teach you similar stuff, and are generally very good. I did this one (https://www.udemy.com/course/automate/?couponCode=MAY2022CODE) and then started building small projects of my own. For ML and data-y stuff you'll eventually want to get good with certain libraries, numpy (maths), pandas (analysis/manipulation), matplotlib (visualisation) and scikit-learn (ML).

These might be obvious but I found the best way to get good at coding is getting stuck in and actually coding (rather than reading about coding) and knowing how to get help when stuck (google, and the reddit and discord python groups are great).

[Boydy]

1520126831478951936

[Kikó]

Thanks both. This job will be a bit of a technical leap but agree that it's a lot easier to get hands on rather than being theoretical.

[Giggles]

Python isn’t too hard to pick up. I got an arduino kit and started with the manuals and samples there and then did some udemy stuff. Applied it a few times for work for a few things, seriously handy to know.

[Spikey M]

Python isn’t too hard to pick up. I got an arduino kit and started with the manuals and samples there and then did some udemy stuff. Applied it a few times for work for a few things, seriously handy to know.

You realise this is going to be Boydy's new "Wait, Giggles uses Instagram!? :D"

[phonics]

I worked at a pub on trial today. I passed with flying colours. It's such a disgusting shithole I'm never drinking there again but I'll take the money.

[Giggles]

Instagram is easily the best form of social media.

[Ben]

I worked at a pub on trial today. I passed with flying colours. It's such a disgusting shithole I'm never drinking there again but I'll take the money.

Shitholes are the best boozers.

[phonics]

I’m fine with shitholes but this is ‘reusing plastic glasses’ levels of gross.

[Boydy]

You realise this is going to be Boydy's new "Wait, Giggles uses Instagram!? :D"

Nah, I remember Giggles posting about coding before.

[Giggles]

Nah, I remember Giggles posting about coding before.

I have an arduino controlling my brewing system now too. It’s savage stuff.

[Baz]

Instagram is easily the best form of social media.
Is Reddit social media? If so lol at suggesting instagram.

80% of instagram is reposts from TikTok anyway.

[Giggles]

Is Reddit social media? If so lol at suggesting instagram.

80% of instagram is reposts from TikTok anyway.

Reddit is turd.

[Boydy]

I have an arduino controlling my brewing system now too. It’s savage stuff.

Class. I bought one of them away back at the start of the pandemic and never did anything with it. Just like the painting set and the keyboard.

[Baz]

Reddit is turd.How? Genuinely, why do you think this?

You can opt in to follow content about literally ANYTHING you’re interested in. Home brewing? Yeah join that. Angry courier memes? Sign me up. Dragons shagging cars? You’re in.

Need to find an answer to something but Google is coming up dry? Add Reddit to the end of your search and before you know if you’ve found a post from 2016 explaining the best way to descale your specific brand of camping kettle.

And if you’re bored and it’s 3am and you’re doing a night feed, just scroll the Popular section and let it’s greatness wash over you.

Reddits great. Up there with transfermarkt for best website ever.