The All New Jobs Thread

[Ian]

No claps for those consigned to the plague holes unless it's in place of a payrise, safety equipment, etc.

[Shindig]

One bright spot of yesterday's news is it might finally see the end of the alcoholic. And there's a couple of long serving staff that might take the chance to retire. Or the long term sick.

Look at me playing redundancy bingo.

[Kikó]

Nah that’s strictly for NHS staff, not key workers. Fuck you teachers, bankers, postal workers, social workers, supermarket staff, etc.

agreed

[Jimmy Floyd]

Got verbal confirmation today of new role. All the Spanish-speaking countries of Latin America, 4 trips a year (covid permitting) for 2 weeks each time. Particular brief to build a customer base in Chile, which has as yet been resistant to our charms. 'Improved package' whatever that means (no numbers yet), which sounds like it will have a commission element. Company credit card, laptop, the works.

When you get an opportunity like this, about a billion miles outside my comfort zone, the only answer is where do I fucking sign.

[Raoul Duke]

Got verbal confirmation today of new role. All the Spanish-speaking countries of Latin America, 4 trips a year (covid permitting) for 2 weeks each time. Particular brief to build a customer base in Chile, which has as yet been resistant to our charms. 'Improved package' whatever that means (no numbers yet), which sounds like it will have a commission element. Company credit card, laptop, the works.

When you get an opportunity like this, about a billion miles outside my comfort zone, the only answer is where do I fucking sign.

Congrats - sounds pretty ace overall, but surely only accept once you've found out what the "improved package" is? They're not doing this out of the kindness of their hearts I assume, so it'll be worth far more to them.

I'd have thought you should really be looking for around £10-15k improvement and a better title for all that. Is there any other comparable role within your company/the market?

[Jimmy Floyd]

If it's even a bit better than what I'm on now - and it will be - then I'll more than take it.

It's not like tech or other booming sectors with people bouncing around everywhere. It's an old fashioned industry, we are probably the only company in the UK that offers our product range and they're giving me the job because it's convenient for them - the outgoing incumbent is 77 years old, I'm 32, I 'know the club' and I speak Spanish. The only other source they have of recruiting outside guys is Italy. They've done that before, it's way more expensive than promoting me, and it always fails anyway, the latest guy crawling back to Milan at the start of the year.

In the current situation and given this opportunity suddenly thrown into my lap, it's an absolute no brainer, even if the rise ends up being £5k rather than £15k or whatever. I basically walked in here off the street 2.5 years ago (or out of Korea), and it's the sort of place where you sink or swim, so I'm happy to swim, all the way to Venezuela. Currently I'm a minion, but if I make a success of this, I'll be part of the firm and be much better able to dictate things down the line.

[Boydy]

From what you've said there it sounds like you're in a pretty good position to be dictating things now.

[Shindig]

Good job, Jimmy. Pity this couldn't come full circle with some trips to Korea.

[Lewis]

https://i.imgur.com/0wJDt8B.png

[niko_cee]

:D

That's spot on.

[Spikey M]

Congrats Jimmy. Ask for £5k more than whatever they offer you.


https://i.imgur.com/0wJDt8B.png

:lol:

[Baz]

Work is in crisis response mode. Looking likely I’m gonna get pulled in.

[Jimmy Floyd]

After news that one of our customers had died, conversation in the office quickly turned to whether you can DHL a body. You see, we need to get his next shipment out to him ASAP, but now his premises will be closed until he's been repatriated, but we really need his goods out the door this month.

Capitalism :drool:

[Disco]

You can't, they have rules about that. Assuming you tell them what's in it of course.

[Smjffy]

:cool: BBC Wales Radio today.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000mqmg

16 minutes in if anyone is interested. I can't believe it's been six months fighting the same shit.

Tomorrow is my last day and I return to Wales. Family! :D

[Manc]

If there was ever an opportunity to plug the board.

[Shindig]

Yeah but How bad did it get, Tim?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

"Well, we thought about unbanning Harold"

[Spikey M]

"My mate Havey attended high level meetings and they thought it was the end times."

[Baz]

Six months ago we were told the curve would be flattened in fourteen days. It now feels like we’re somehow approaching The Third Half of the pandemic.

[AyDee]

Service sector is supposed to be somewhat quiet but my team is as busy as ever. Granted some of our work is directly Covid related but, considering commercial lawyers are primarily transactional, we're much busier than I'd expect us to be in this climate.

There's some life in the economy yet.

[mo]

Found out yesterday that we're going to ditch the students stay where they are, teachers go to them method we've been using, which is great news because it's been a fucking ball ache. Back to our own rooms week after next, spraying down tables between lesson, still using the one way system etc.

[Baz]

Dreamt I had my old job. Woke up and was the most relieved I’ve been in years. :arry:

[randomlegend]

Currently being paid locum rates (about £35 an hour I think) to watch video game streams

[Lofty]

Currently being paid locum rates (about £35 an hour I think) to watch video game streams

Any vacancies?

[Foe]

Oklahoma. Jesus

Guess Spencer rattler isn’t as good as he thinks he is. 3 picks against Kansas state and a big old L.

[Foe]

Watching the lsu game and it’s early days but they, as you’d expect, look a completely different team.

Brennan doesn’t have the same charisma and presence as burrow and the receivers aren’t a patch on Jefferson, chase etc. Going to be a tricky season for them not drifting as reigning champs into obscurity again.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

It's rare that you see two posts in the wrong thread.

[Foe]

Ha. Oops.

If someone can move them to the NFL thread that would be great.

[randomlegend]

Any vacancies?

Plenty if you've got a medical degree or want to go to Uni for 5 years.

[Lofty]

I'll stick with the iron road.

[igor_balis]

Was handling inbound customer service calls today. This bloke had his card retained by a self service machine and was apoplectic that someone wouldn't hand deliver it to his house. He didn't even ask someone in the branch if they could get it for him, just went home and phoned up customer service.

I actually went to the trouble of finding the branch's direct contact number and asked if he could collect it from them tomorrow, just cus i was so amused by the cheek of him, but when i said his two options were picking it up tomorrow or us sending him a replacement in the post he went mental. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SOMEONE CAN BRING IT ME TONIGHT.

I could barely stop myself laughing. We can't do that mate.

"CAN'T OR WON'T ?"

well, we absolutely won't. Then he hung up. I wasn't even annoyed cus it was so funny.

[Spikey M]

I love those sort of people. We got them all the time when I worked for the Court.

YOU'RE TAKING THE FOOD FROM MY DAUGHTERS MOUTH!

We prefer Direct Debit

[Foe]

Poor people are the worst.

[Foe]

I’m 2 weeks into my 4 week “risk assessment” and it’s absolutely gruelling.

Doing it digitally will be one of those things people claim as a massive success embracing the new normal etc. In reality it’s crap because I’m having to eat my own business, and I switch my camera off whenever I’m really bored and play with my phone.

Got a week off in October though which is great. Lockdown annual leave no doubt.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I get customers like that. Ten to five on a Friday, we're locking up in ten minutes, someone rings up from the Norfolk coast or whatever. 'We need a water pump, pre 9am delivery for tomorrow.' Sorry mate, the courier's already been. 'You can organise a special service.' We cannot, and even if we could, you're only spending forty quid, it isn't worth it. 'Well, mate, I don't know if you want our business, but we need this pump for tomorrow morning mate.' Not possible old bean, you needed to ring about six hours ago. 'Can we come in and collect tomorrow morning?' We're not open. 'Why aren't you open?' Because it's a Saturday. 'Are you telling me you don't open on Saturdays?' Yes I am. 'I don't understand how you do any business, mate, with that attitude.' By selling to organised outfits and not useless cunts like you.

It's the ones who try to bully you that wind me up. With a bank, it's probably different as you're a fucking bank and so anyone who doesn't like it is ultimately screaming into the sea.

[Pepe]

The best part is that they obviously think that they know how to run your business better than you do. If you are so good at it, why do you find yourself in such a predicament?

[igor_balis]

Poor people are the worst.

The v poor and v rich people are generally a piece of piss to deal with. I am sure it comes as no surprise that, by a pretty huge margin, the most awkward customers are middle-class middle-aged people. Karens, basically.

[igor_balis]

With a bank, it's probably different as you're a fucking bank and so anyone who doesn't like it is ultimately screaming into the sea.

Tbf, one of the things i like most about my job is how we don't have to follow the American customer service model. I basically have free reign to shrug and tell customers to get fucked if they're being unreasonable. You sometimes get customers being all "WELL I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING MOVING TO A DIFFERENT BANK", and i am allowed to respond by telling them how easy it is to move banks and tell them i can either close their account myself or they can go to another bank and do the 7 day switch.

[Spikey M]

Poor people are the worst.

Agree with Igor, it's not the poor. They're usually so down trodden by years of Government shafting that they're now apathetic to pretty much anything.

Although I disagree with him when it comes to the rich.

[igor_balis]

Even better one today. Phonecall from some woman in Australia.

She told me she had been talking to a director of ours. I spent about 5 mins looking on our internal phonebook etc, and even tried googling "his name" "bank i work for" and got fuck all.

Eventually i was like "er, what email address have you been interacting with?"

"[nameofthebankiworkfor]_uk@yahoo.com"


Err...you haven't sent them any money have you?

"NO THEY ARE GOING TO SEND ME MONEY "

I just said I'm afraid they're not, nd transferred her to the fraud department. Fucking hell.

[Spikey M]

You won't be laughing when she's dripping with bling, mate.

[Spikey M]

Worked from the office today as we have some work being done at home and had the head of another department more or less tell me that if I apply for a vacancy in their department it's mine and I'm conflicted as fuck.

Financially, it only pays £5k more before tax with 5 more days holiday. Nothing world altering, but;

Pro's:
No more court hearings
No more chasing debt
More chance of promotion

Cons:
Less working from home
More travelling
More stress

It's basically a toss up between staying bored but comfortable and learning something new that MIGHT be going somewhere.

[Raoul Duke]

The thing to look at is: what's the step after this one? If the new thing makes it easier to advance then it might be worth the short-term pain

[Danny]

Is the WFH negotiable or is that change directly a result of the more travelling aspect?

Rumors going around we wont be back in the office until Q2 next year. I am seriously going to push for either full time WFH or a majority WFH when the discussion comes up.

[Shindig]

I think Spikey's job requires a fair amount of face-to-face stuff. I mean, he's talking about court meetings and such in his current role.

[Spikey M]

Is the WFH negotiable or is that change directly a result of the more travelling aspect?

Rumors going around we wont be back in the office until Q2 next year. I am seriously going to push for either full time WFH or a majority WFH when the discussion comes up.

Not negotiable. I'd be moving from the enforcement side of things to the prevention side of things.

[Danny]

I think Spikey's job requires a fair amount of face-to-face stuff. I mean, he's talking about court meetings and such in his current role.

The new role mentioned no more court hearings. I would probably take it just to not do that.


Not negotiable. I'd be moving from the enforcement side of things to the prevention side of things.

Oof.

[Lewis]

What if moving you out of enforcement is the prevention?

[Spikey M]

We've just had a team meeting and one of the managers accused a black colleague of having a "bad work ethnic". Skype having a mute button has never been more appreciated.

[Ian]

Big Ron working there part time?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Freudian slip of the year aside, why is a manager saying that in a meeting which involves anyone else?

[Spikey M]

Because she's a massive dickhead.

She was asking why we weren't doing something that isn't really our job and that we've never been asked to do. Said colleague spoke up saying exactly that and her reply was something along the lines of "can you not see that's bad work ethnic?"

The 20 seconds of silence that followed were beautiful.

[Giggles]

Freudian slip of the year aside, why is a manager saying that in a meeting which involves anyone else?

That was my first thought too.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Today (as in, today) my company have introduced mandatory masks in the warehouse. Truly they are on the cutting edge of the fight against this pandemic.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Today (as in, today) my company have introduced mandatory masks in the warehouse. Truly they are on the cutting edge of the fight against this pandemic.

Didn't last long. Furious staff not wanting to wear one have pointed out that the company can't force them to wear a mask, so none of them are.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My sister started a new job today. It's in the Scottish government/public sector - she'd been working there before, but in a different civil service department. Obviously it's all working from home and she hadn't got a laptop or anything yet from them (you need work laptops to get on government IT systems, generally speaking) so last week they told her that her new manager would ring up at 9am on her first day with a temporary login of some kind and begin to show her the ropes and give her some starter information.

So she sits down at her home workspace at 9am, primed to go, and the call doesn't come. By half nine she's a bit annoyed so sends a polite email to the manager asking for any instructions as to what to do. Makes a pot of tea. Still no call. No one is in the office so she can't call in, and doesn't have any mobile numbers as she has never met any of her colleagues, so there is nothing she can do. The clock ticks on towards midday and still nothing happens. Pop the TV on, make lunch. Afternoon comes, she sends another email, nothing. The sun begins to set and it's gone full George Costanza - she's been paid to do her first day's work and literally nothing has happened to enable her to begin doing it.

At 8.15pm the manager finally emails back - 'I do apologise, it slipped my mind'. Another tough day in the Scottish civil service.

[Don]

Two emails tbf, that's a fair day's slog in these quarters.

Also, I wasn't aware of the sister, do we still have our best sister thread? Been a while since I saw Smiffy's too although I think he said she's reproduced so it's all to play for.

[Lewis]

As if she moved there rather than the normal way round.

[Luca]

My sister started a new job today. It's in the Scottish government/public sector - she'd been working there before, but in a different civil service department. Obviously it's all working from home and she hadn't got a laptop or anything yet from them (you need work laptops to get on government IT systems, generally speaking) so last week they told her that her new manager would ring up at 9am on her first day with a temporary login of some kind and begin to show her the ropes and give her some starter information.

So she sits down at her home workspace at 9am, primed to go, and the call doesn't come. By half nine she's a bit annoyed so sends a polite email to the manager asking for any instructions as to what to do. Makes a pot of tea. Still no call. No one is in the office so she can't call in, and doesn't have any mobile numbers as she has never met any of her colleagues, so there is nothing she can do. The clock ticks on towards midday and still nothing happens. Pop the TV on, make lunch. Afternoon comes, she sends another email, nothing. The sun begins to set and it's gone full George Costanza - she's been paid to do her first day's work and literally nothing has happened to enable her to begin doing it.

At 8.15pm the manager finally emails back - 'I do apologise, it slipped my mind'. Another tough day in the Scottish civil service.

If she's gone into the civil service, isn't this what she signed up to do?

https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/490/511/148.jpg

[Jimmy Floyd]

As if she moved there rather than the normal way round.

Archie (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monarch_of_the_Glen_(TV_series)) has an ill dad, and also I think she was fed up with London. It is lol up there, though. Everyone's gone full England-cannae-dae-it-cos-they-didnae-qualify.

[Baz]

Looks like I’m being roped in to covid stuff at work. Still completely managing to avoid contact tracing though, and instead being asked to look at the data side of things. Could be interesting, but could also be a lot of work. Job security above all else at the moment though, so I’ve committed.

[Shindig]

Same here. The mountain of work from August is now a regular thing. Except now the mountain is twice as big. 3 calls today and my shift's not starting for half an hour. :moop:

[Foe]

So don’t answer them?

You’re paid by the hour are you not?

[Shindig]

Depends what they're asking for. If they want me to physically look at something, I'll fob them off until I'm in work.

[Raoul Duke]

Looks like I’m being roped in to covid stuff at work. Still completely managing to avoid contact tracing though, and instead being asked to look at the data side of things. Could be interesting, but could also be a lot of work. Job security above all else at the moment though, so I’ve committed.

Just remember Excel's row limit is more than it's column limit

[Lofty]

Been instructed this week that everyone in my team should be aiming for 60-80 hours overtime per month to meet our deadlines. Can sleep when I'm dead and rich, I suppose.

[Foe]

Is the overtime rate worth while?

That sounds a bit mental. That’s an extra 2ish working days a week?

[Lofty]

Standard rate, Sundays time and a half, bank holidays double time. Yeah it's a lot, going to stretch out week days then use weekend working to dodge DIY :D

[Foe]

Arsed with that then. Should you not be hiring more staff or cutting activity if you have that level of resource constraint.

Otherwise, do all your over time on “Sunday”.. are you working from home?

[Lofty]

Haven't set foot in the office since March. Think there is a wariness to take more staff on since the last extra pair of hands we had was a disaster (dismissed then went to tribunal) and the two senior men enjoy the overtime for the cash/banked holiday aspect.

[Shindig]

We've got thermal imaging at the entrance now. Imaging biking in and being collared by that for suspected Covid.

[Andy]

Been instructed this week that everyone in my team should be aiming for 60-80 hours overtime per month to meet our deadlines. Can sleep when I'm dead and rich, I suppose.

I've been doing this since I went back in May. I got used to it pretty quickly.

Luckily we get really good over time rates, first 4 hours time and a half and then everything after that double time.

I try and force it all into week days and not work weekend when I can help it.

[Shindig]

We've been offered some overtime at the end of the month but I can't see it being needed. Ours works on double time as soon as you cross the full-time threshold. As a full-timer, that's great.

[Foe]

Yeah, incentivising over time with better rates makes sense.

congratulations, you’re getting to work an extra 15-20 hours a week for the company. sounds like something the Koreans would pull.

Like the payment I get for going on an helicopter, away from home, to a hazardous work site to work an extra 4 hours for less than my hourly rate.

Good one.

[Lewis]

I had an interview on Tuesday, and I am delighted to say that I got the job. Yes, it was for my current job, and I was the only candidate; but this means I have now had as many successful job interviews as unsuccessful ones. :cool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've always wondered what those would be like.

'What do you think makes you well-suited to the role as advertised?'

'Well, the fact that I've been doing it for the last three years is certainly in my favour.'

[Ian]

Ah, the "interview because we have to say we interviewed you" interview.

In my old job one of the senior managers had a cretinous nephew or some semi-close relative he'd said he'd get a job. He got it once and was a useless, lazy, delusional twat and he "left." He then got a second crack at it presumably because his mother had pouted that he was loafing about the house and probably realised he was too thick to get all but the shittest jobs. So they dragged him in for the second interview to go through the motions and the managers interviewed him knowing this was an absolute waste of time for all involved. However as an excellent twist when it got to the end of the interview they told him he'd done well and then like to offer him the job he responded, "Hm, can I take a few days to think about it?" I think the relative who was getting him the job nearly murdered him.

The other highlight was that one of the interviewers told me they hit him with a bog standard "Tell us about a time when-" question to do with difficult customers and he proceeded to tell them about working on the concessions at a football stadium when an angry fan called him a fuckstick.

[Lofty]

Amazing :D

There were a few nepotistic appointments at our spot that went sideways which is always a joy to behold.

I interviewed three times for my current job before securing it full time, the second and third time I had been doing the job full time in excess of two years. Essentially I was interviewing to extend a secondment and then finally a full time job offer.

[Smjffy]

With my industry being a bit fucked I've been looking for work I wouldn't normally go for, retail being one. I had to answer questions with my own words for a supermarket and this is what I got. :D I haven't a clue how they figure this shit out. Busted!!


https://i.ibb.co/h9B3gdY/Screenshot-20201029-114130-com-google-android-gm.jpg

[randomlegend]

Going back to paeds on a 3 days a week contract from December. Buzzing to have got that job.

Can locum a couple of days a week and make bank.

[Shindig]

That's half the office trained before the new stuff gets switched on. Piece of piss, I just hate how it's all happening in bulk. Also, it's a job that genuinely fucks with my posture in a way that the normal stuff doesn't. I used to generally fix me eyes on one part of the screen but scrolling down a spreadsheet means I am in neck and shoulder hell.

Overtime on Saturday as well. Might be the first time in a year that's actually been offered.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Arrived this morning to this email from the ops manager to whole company:


Hi Everybody

Due to a good month in October, there are cakes in both kitchens

Please be mindful of social distancing

Thanks

Well I may not get an end of year bonus but at least I've got a Mr Kipling French Fancy (pink).

[Ian]

Yeah we've had the chat about how IN THESE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES we won't be getting a bonus but also that we've purchased two other organisations and have multiple new customers. But we shouldn't worry because for reasons those two things are totally separate and we needn't fret because the guys earning quadruple what we are aren't getting a bonus either so it's all good.

[Yevrah]

Do you guys get to see your performance against your original 2020 budget? If so and you're over it then they really are pulling a fast one.

[Ian]

We didn't exceed the original target but I think we exceeded the revised target they put up post lockdown, although why they thought we'd care about that if there wasn't the annual bonus on the line I'm not sure.

Given acquisitions are still going ahead and they've been able to pay back the people who'd been "asked" to do a temporary sacrifice already I'm guessing the shareholders have gone "great we'll have all the money we expected" and that's why even a revised bonus isn't happening.

[Yevrah]

If your company is big enough there should be a fair bit of detail on director remuneration available next year relating to this. I'd be checking that to see what they got.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Do you guys get to see your performance against your original 2020 budget? If so and you're over it then they really are pulling a fast one.

They don't show us anything, but through covert ops I happen to know that as of Friday my responsible markets were 2% up on 2019 year to date revenue. That feels to me like miraculous scenes but the unprecedented times clause is almost guaranteed to preclude any reward.

[Don]

The fuckin privelege levels of this community :drool:

[Kikó]

We've been way above targets this year in all reporting so hoping there will be a pot this year but it's the first year at the new corporate title so not really sure what to expect. We've got all out performance related stuff coming out this week so fingers crossed my group has a pot to distribute cash out.

[Pepe]

Meanwhile we are about 24 million in the red. :happycry:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Isn't there someone called Rockefeller or Calhoun who can donate you out of trouble?

[Pepe]

That's always the solution, so hopefully Joey B will push some tax breaks for the wealthy.

[Shindig]

I don't think Joey Barton has that sort of clout. Fingers crossed, though.

[Spikey M]

I spent an hour and 20 minutes on the phone to some dozy bint from Basildon Council this morning. Dozy is actually too kind, she was truly unfathomably stupid, but anyway, she's just emailed asking if I can call her again 'quickly' as she has a few more questions.

Genuinely questioning how highly I value my ability to pay the mortgage right now. I'm probably only typing this pointless and boring post because it's something to do that isn't calling her.

[Manc]

WFH for the foreseeable so a screen is a must to avoid eternal neck pain. Recommendations welcome. Ideally a 22 inch screen, sub £100.

[Spikey M]

Why are you paying for one?

[Shindig]

Yeah, is lifting one from work not an option? Do you have a spare TV you can use?

[Kikó]

https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B083QVNRC4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lqAPFbR0GVQA3

[Don]

What Kiko said. I had the same budget from work so went for it as it had speakers too. That's really the only marked attribute you can decide on after I researched painstakingly and asked the virgin speccy cunts at work too.

[Manc]

Bang on.

I've got £80 for an office chair. Again suggestions welcome.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My suggestion is don't eat for a fortnight and spend double that. Your back will thank you.

[Shindig]

Depends how long you spend at your desk. My shitty dining room chairs get the job done now because I'm pottering about every 20-30 minutes.

[Don]

Bang on.

I've got £80 for an office chair. Again suggestions welcome.

And £120 for a desk? :sherlock:

[Manc]

And £120 for a desk? :sherlock:

Correct. :D

[Don]

I'll see you in the virtual staff kitchen on Monday for a chit-chat.

[Baz]

Is ‘BW’ a commonly known way to end an email, that I don’t know?

‘Thanks for this.

BW,

Abi’

It better not be a shorthand ‘best wishes’ cos jeez that’s lame.

[Don]

Is Abi just a few pounds short of BBW status? :drool:

[Spikey M]

I've not seen it before. I have a colleague that does KR which has always seemed odd to me.

I did used to work with a bloke that used Warm Regards, but it was done intentionally for the bantz.

[Kikó]

If you can't even be arsed writing best wishes or kind regards then leave it off. I basically stop saying hello / kind regards with people I know (especially in a chain - how weird is it to keep saying Hello!).

[Ian]

I greet everybody in the email chain individually, and then give them each a personalised farewell at the end of my email. It's only polite.

[Don]

I'm a 'cheers' sort of guy unless I need to suck some serious powerful dick which is rare.

[Raoul Duke]

Is Abi just a few pounds short of BBW status? :drool:

She might be a fat munter who's painfully honest

[Spikey M]

'Bubbly Woman'.

[SvN]

"Kind regards" is just part of my signature. I changed it after I accidentally sent "King retards" a few years ago.

One of my wanker clients signs off with "rgs", which is probably the worst thing ever.

[Kikó]

thks

[Ian]

"Kind regards" is just part of my signature. I changed it after I accidentally sent "King retards" a few years ago.

"King retards" has amused me far more than it probably should have.

[Baz]

Is Abi just a few pounds short of BBW status? :drool:

Nah she’s lighter than me.

[igor_balis]

I am unimportant enough that I can put cheers, igor, and get away with it. My job role wasn't even allowed email until about 9 months ago.

[Manc]

SvN has it right.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Regards for proper emails, Rgds for quick internal ones.

The real problem comes in Spanish, where I tend to go Saludos ('greetings') but many customers put Un Saludo ('one greeting'), suggesting I may have some kind of inferiority complex when it comes to weight of greetings offered.

[Don]

What the fuck is Rgds, this isn't Club Penguin ffs.

[Smjffy]

So....

Back in March, I was ineligible to be furloughed, init. So I've been campaigning with others since then. In that time I've had about 4/5 pieces in various papers , had MP signed EDM, had the debates in the House of Commons, had the biggest APPG in parliamentary history (now stands at at 280), spoke on LBC, spoke on BBC Radio Wales, all that twitter business which @phonics (https://www.thethirdhalf.co.uk/member.php?u=1) said is pretty good numbers, 1 in 4 people visiting my page, this week, we've had the mayors of Liverpool and Manchester get on board, Keir Starmer finally speak up and tomorrow.....

Tune in to Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan around 7.15am if you want to see my ugly mug. :drool: BOOM!

[Spikey M]

:drool: give me a shout out Smiff.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Smack Piers about whilst screaming TTH.

[phonics]

Stewart Lee, Question Time and now Piers Morgan. You cannot stop this forum from having a cultural impact.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Don't forget Gary Speed.

Also, what was the QT thing?

[phonics]

P.S. genuinely proud of you Smiff. I’ve made fun of you on the past but you’re doing good work for a good cause and going from strength to strength. Hyuge congrats.

[Spikey M]

And we broke the Jaaskelainen story.

[phonics]

And we broke the Jaaskelainen story.

Oh and that Dutch Villa keeper getting pegged.

[phonics]

Don't forget Gary Speed.

Also, what was the QT thing?

Sean was on QuestionTime coating someone off and then mean mugging them.

[Disco]

Stefan Postma.

[Spikey M]

That's the one.

[Don]

I presume it'll be youtube-able when I wake up at 9 because I'll be fucked if I'm downloading the ITV app.

This is your chance at primetime TV, don't waste it with some run-of-the-mill cameo that will have no impact. You got to go viral in this day and age to actually make a point. I'd suggest:

- practicing breaking down in tears
- making up a powerful sob story
- digging up relevant dirt on Piers and confronting him about it
- "FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY"

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Sean was on QuestionTime coating someone off and then mean mugging them.

Rings a bell.

[Manc]

Top work.

[Kikó]

Sean was on QuestionTime coating someone off and then mean mugging them.

I'm pretty sure it was David Sullivan he did the people's eyebrow to.

Quality smiffy. Hope you finally get it resolved (or ask Marcus Rashford to help).

[Lewis]

Smiffy's luck Piers Morgan will suddenly revert to type and berate him for being a snowflake.

[Smjffy]

P.S. genuinely proud of you Smiff. I’ve made fun of you on the past but you’re doing good work for a good cause and going from strength to strength. Hyuge congrats.

Thank you. That's not all though! :D

I've had a number of zoom meetings with Plaid Cymru to get more involved which has led to further meetings with local candidate, the MS for my region and that's where I hope to take myself after this campaign is over but better than that just yesterday my local MS and I had a zoom meeting and he's linked me up with a mental health and social change charity to work alongside us to help those who are really struggling with the mental health strain of it all.

I think if I was to take a positive from this year it's that it's opened my eyes up, I've met some fantastic people, received help where I least expect it and now I want to try and push on further after all this and do what I can. A few of the business owners who are part of our group want to help me set up on my own etc so it could be a good end to a bad year. For now though it's a case of continuing as I have been as I feel we're finally get somewhere.

[Boydy]

Smiffy for PM

[Pepe]

Strong and stable.

[Manc]

All the while banging out 20+ seasons on FM.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Imagine if he pulls out of all this early...

[Spikey M]

Good job Smiff.

[Baz]

Go on then, someone post a link or something.

[Spikey M]

Itv +1

[Smjffy]

That was nerve racking as fuck.

[Spikey M]

One of my tenants has had to be moved out of Essex after getting in trouble with a Romanian gang. I'm equal parts annoyed that it isn't an Albanian gang and that nobody I work with would get any of my jokes on the subject anyway.

[Spikey M]

That was nerve racking as fuck.

There's zero chance in hell you'd get me on tv, so you can chalk it up as a win regardless. The rapid blinking and shaky voice did make me smile though.

Where was the wall art?

[Baz]

1326432924657446918

[Ian]

Get ITV to give you a budget for your next WDYTOE, Smiff.

[Don]

Didn't one of the oligarchs on here support you with some money? That was your fucking IN to bringing up this place. I'd be drenched in milf pussy by now all lolling at my zany humour if you hadn't been so fucking selfish.

[Manc]

You can hear the nerves. Fair play.

[Offshore Toon]

Just going off the Twitter video, but it comes across more as being emotional about the cause than TV nerves.

And I get that it was quite a serious topic, but did you not squeeze a single TTH reference in?

[igor_balis]

Yeah if id have been on id have just got my phone out and played a weird YouTube video to the camera then asked piers if he fancied a game of chess. Poor show.

[igor_balis]

In all seriousness, well done mate. I thought you held it together well.

[Kikó]

I don't think you sounded nervous, agree it's more emotional than anything. Credit to you for the interview.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Could have at least had some sort of TTH shirt on.

[Spammer]

My job place have told people that they need to come in physically in order to benefit from the service (remotely just isn't on the cards, for no real reason that I can ascertain other than 'we need to offer the same service to everyone', which doesn't make sense to me). In the email I've been told to send out, it says 'but we will support you as best we can while you are at home'. Not sure what they mean by that - other than emailing them a few resources, which is what I do anyway when people don't turn up, we're actually offering shit all.

My worry is that if some people don't come in physically for long enough then the organisation may drop them out of the service altogether, which would be atrocious really.

If it were a job I didn't give a shit about I'd be fine with all this, but we're pissing about with people's lives. I'm finding it really stressful.

I think I do need to focus on my own responses to these things though. It's all I can control really, and beyond a certain point my own responses are fairly unhelpful if they're just causing me additional anxiety and stress and not doing much else. If I can't do anything, I can't do anything, and I guess I just need to sit with that. I'm finding it hard to detach from it. Focusing on my own responses is definitely the way to go though, rather than getting into a huff over it all and becoming outraged in my own head. No point in it.

[Don]

I really enjoyed reading THE MIGHTY BLADES at the end of that. Add a football emoji or something so we can rest easy.

[Lofty]

:D

Well done Smiff, you came across well. Seems like genuine engagement on the comments in the twitter thread too, which is a rarity.

[Smjffy]

Thank you. I'm getting absolutely bombarded at the moment with media and even job offers. I'm overwhelmed I've got to be honest but it's a huge step in the right direction for us all.

My phone hasn't stopped since this morning. I'll be on LBC, Heart, Capital, Smooth, LBC News and Classic FM tomorrow already.

EDIT: And I still haven't loaded up FM!

[Baz]

plug us on at least one of them. shall i send you some stickers?

[Spikey M]

"I was really struggling in the third half of the lockdown".

'Mon Smiff.

[Gray Fox]

plug us on at least one of them. shall i send you some stickers?

Get it on a poster he can have on the wall behind him.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Make it Smooth for the plug. We don't want any of the sorts of people who listen to Classic FM coming here.

Great work, btw.

[Spikey M]

Get it on a poster he can have on the wall behind him.

The radio will love that.

[Gray Fox]

He'll need it for all of his further TV interviews and job interviews over zoom.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

The radio will love that.

"I have a wonderful poster behind me that I got instead of dinner".

[Pepe]

Do the Mahow claw when saying goodbye.

[Lewis]

REVEALED New Starter Posterboy is Sick Internet Troll


STALKED elderly Irish nationalist leaving him afraid to leave the house
WAGED 'embarrassing' hate campaign against multiple and deserved internet award-winner
TRIED to cover his tracks by deleting old posts

Yeah let's not hype the board on telly.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Smjffy]

:lol:

Well I mean...rather new forum than the old one right.

TTH is our playground. We don't need new blood.

[Luca]

This is great stuff, Smiff. You and Sir Marcus leading the social services charge. :cool:

[Shindig]

He'll have a Sunday morning cookery show at this rate.

[Lofty]

I agree I don't know what the need for new members is in terms of pushing it on randoms given half the charm of the place is we have been typing inane drivel at each other for over a decade now.

[phonics]

I was talking to a IRL friend about Smiffy today and how awesome what he's doing is and worked out that next March I'll have been posting on here for 20 years.

[Luca]

How is Henn0rz doing, anyways?

[Spammer]

I started in 2002. Jesus Christ.

I started out on cmgamer though and came across during the invasion :cool:

CMG didn't survive that. It was basically how this place is now, which is why the admins were up for trying something new (a merger). All the actually posters were happy in their stagnant little bubble though.

[Manc]

I was talking to a IRL friend about Smiffy today and how awesome what he's doing is and worked out that next March I'll have been posting on here for 20 years.

How old are you?

[Shindig]

33-ish?

[phonics]

How old are you?

32.

[Manc]

And your mother's maiden name?

[Don]

What I'm hearing from a lot of you is that we need new blood. A merger seems unlikely but between a few hand-selected gash from that facebook group of people who have lost their senses due to COVID and a few of the struggling from Smiffy's entourage, we should be able to deliver.

[phonics]

And your mother's maiden name?

I’ve never answered a security question honestly in my life. It has caused me issues like when I told the bank that I put fake answers to my security question to protect myself from fraud and after a background check informed me that I would have to say that next time I called I would have to say that my childhood pet was called ‘Your Mum’.

[Spikey M]

And your mother's maiden name?

What is this new hobby you've developed?

[Baz]

How is Henn0rz doing, anyways?

Still a knob.

[Spikey M]

He hasn't posted in about a year has he? Not that you're wrong, leopards and spots.

[Kikó]

I've got a picture of me on the forum from 2005. I might upload it at some point.

[Smjffy]

I'll be on BBC at 9.30 if anyone is interested. I did the radio interviews yesterday too. Spoke about the first half of lockdown, then the second and now I'm in the third half. ;-) Plug!

Anyhow last night we had a live conference with Steve Rotherham and Andy Burnham, Liverpool and Manchester Mayor's.

Emotional and tough viewing.

https://youtu.be/zmCJyg-RTO8

[Jimmy Floyd]

This morning my colleague teamsed me with the following message:

"Do you think there is a lot of super suspension today? 5 people have booked leave."

Took me a good 20 minutes to work it out. It's Friday 13th, and by 'super suspension' she of course meant 'superstition'.

[Ian]

:D

[Spikey M]

:D fucking hell

[Lofty]

That's amazing :D A guy on my teams spelling is appalling but I don't know if he does it purely to irritate myself and others as he will often type in full caps for days :moop:

[igor_balis]

https://scontent-lhr8-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/s1080x2048/125215788_1001956783621826_8956450306100287674_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=2&_nc_sid=ae9488&_nc_ohc=En4_11mcKU8AX9NRg-0&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&tp=7&oh=8fb1701f2afddf46e30bf91829bd06ad&oe=5FD4A577

Baz has probably already PMed gay elvis with a fake paypal account.

[Ian]

If ever anything needed a "PM Bamster" response.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Lofty]

Wifi down today so fingers crossed it isn't fixed before this compulsory teams meeting with cameras I'm scheduled for.

[Baz]

Gay Elvis :D

[Spikey M]

Someone send him a link.

[Smjffy]

That's funny. I was inundated with such offers the other day too but it wouldn't be right to accept anything so I try to get them to donate or buy raffle tickets to go towards our MH fund. Gives our members a chance to speak to professionals in around 48 hours which compared to going through the system is a huge difference and does far more good.

I'm emotionally exhausted this week as its just call after call at the moment. I'm happy though that we are being heard and I think slowly public perception is changing. Here's hoping at least.

[Don]

Get then to send nudes. Or feet pics.

[Baz]

I just pressed send on an email and then said aloud to myself “suck a wet fart you cunt.” Not working in an office is definitely having an effect on me. :uhoh:

[Manc]

You don't have the size to be aggro.

[Baz]

Keyboard warrior, innit.

Now shut the fuck up before I choke you out and dox your sister.

[Mike]

I’m telling Mum.

[Giggles]

Are you not his Mum?

[Spikey M]

It's not a family tree you want to try tracing.

[Smjffy]

...so erm...there's going to be a part two on a particular show.

Tonight too we've finally finally had Tory MP's acknowledge us publicly on Twitter! :D

I think we're in with a chance, you know! ARGH!

[Jimmy Floyd]

I currently have 8 days holiday left for the calendar year (thus far I've taken 9 in 2020, what a year). They are paying us up to 10 days at the end of this year if we don't take them (as a Covid one-off) but this I find to be a bollocks settlement so I decided to take three Fridays between now and Christmas, just to be able to sleep long if nothing else. I told the boss my dates and he said: 'But why don't you just work them and then we'll pay you double?' I said that it's been a year and I'll take five days paid off but it's good to freshen up with some long weekends. He lolled and genuinely couldn't understand why I would do this given that I can't 'go anywhere'.

[igor_balis]

Doing stuff on your holidays is overrated.

[Shindig]

I approve. You've worked through all of this, right? Take the time off.

[Don]

Your boss is right, at least get paid for the bleakness.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Your boss is right, at least get paid for the bleakness.

Your sums are all wrong, I'm accessing at least 12 hours of hitherto unavailable daylight here.

[Baz]

Book it off. All in one go too, none of this “oh I’ll just use one a week and work a shorter week” cos that’s bollocks. You need two weeks off to just sit around in your bills wanking over Sammy Guevara.

[SvN]

As if they'll let him do that.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's actually in our contracts that you can't take more than 1 week of holiday at a time (although I've seen plenty of people do so, so I'm not sure they really give a shit).

[Spikey M]

It's actually in our contracts that you can't take more than 1 week of holiday at a time (although I've seen plenty of people do so, so I'm not sure they really give a shit).

This place is worse than Little Korea.

[Ian]

It's actually in our contracts that you can't take more than 1 week of holiday at a time (although I've seen plenty of people do so, so I'm not sure they really give a shit).

That is mental.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's far better than Korea, it's just that the owner is a real life Mr Burns so they have comical stuff like that in the smallprint. Luckily the actual day to day is far more relaxed.

The appraisals here are absolutely brilliant. You go up to his lair (which has a bronze carving of him outside), and he and Smithers sit at the extreme far end of a very very long board table. Smithers reminds him what your name is, and he puts his second pair of glasses on to look down a list before striking a long black line across your name with a ruler. Then, rather than talking about your performance or anything, he says something like: "People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business? Well, I always say to my employees, it's all down to you. When I started in this business, 55 years ago, I was a young man like you..." and that goes on for ten minutes or so. Then he informs you of that year's 2% payrise, digs a hand into a box of Celebrations, takes two pieces out, puts them on a saucer, pushes the saucer all the way down to your end of the table, and wishes you a good afternoon. I always seem to get Maltesers.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Jimmy Floyd]

That is mental.

It also says you're not allowed to take a day off during 'the busy month of January', although I've never noticed January being busy at all, and loads of people take time off during it.

[Disco]

The joys of working for a family business, we have all sorts of bullshit that would never stand up to any sort of sensible scrutiny. Thankfully I've been here long enough (and care so little about what they might do) that I just call them on it these days, it's good fun sometimes.

[Ian]

Is that bit about the bronze sculpture true?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is that bit about the bronze sculpture true?

It's like a big bronze plate with an image of him carved into it. I have never once not lolled when passing it, it's proper Soviet.

[Boydy]

It's far better than Korea, it's just that the owner is a real life Mr Burns so they have comical stuff like that in the smallprint. Luckily the actual day to day is far more relaxed.

The appraisals here are absolutely brilliant. You go up to his lair (which has a bronze carving of him outside), and he and Smithers sit at the extreme far end of a very very long board table. Smithers reminds him what your name is, and he puts his second pair of glasses on to look down a list before striking a long black line across your name with a ruler. Then, rather than talking about your performance or anything, he says something like: "People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business? Well, I always say to my employees, it's all down to you. When I started in this business, 55 years ago, I was a young man like you..." and that goes on for ten minutes or so. Then he informs you of that year's 2% payrise, digs a hand into a box of Celebrations, takes two pieces out, puts them on a saucer, pushes the saucer all the way down to your end of the table, and wishes you a good afternoon. I always seem to get Maltesers.

:lol:

[Spikey M]

It must have been a gift, but it's the sort of gift you would hide at the back of the darkest cupboard you could find.

[Manc]

Must be on a decent pay packet to tolerate such nonsense.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I am not (yet) on a decent pay packet, but the job is enjoyable enough that it's all just amusing detail really. One has to relax in life rather than thinking one is owed things.

[Boydy]

In contrast to that, I was told yesterday that an offer for a new job I interviewed for is on the way and I'm lining up some other interviews to increase my bargaining power.

Fuck you, pay me.

[Manc]

One has to relax in life rather than thinking one is owed things.

To a point.

[Kikó]

It's far better than Korea, it's just that the owner is a real life Mr Burns so they have comical stuff like that in the smallprint. Luckily the actual day to day is far more relaxed.

The appraisals here are absolutely brilliant. You go up to his lair (which has a bronze carving of him outside), and he and Smithers sit at the extreme far end of a very very long board table. Smithers reminds him what your name is, and he puts his second pair of glasses on to look down a list before striking a long black line across your name with a ruler. Then, rather than talking about your performance or anything, he says something like: "People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business? Well, I always say to my employees, it's all down to you. When I started in this business, 55 years ago, I was a young man like you..." and that goes on for ten minutes or so. Then he informs you of that year's 2% payrise, digs a hand into a box of Celebrations, takes two pieces out, puts them on a saucer, pushes the saucer all the way down to your end of the table, and wishes you a good afternoon. I always seem to get Maltesers.

Superb imagery.

[Spikey M]

I meant what I said Jim, you really should write a book.

[Foe]

Survived the cull.

This week is going to be grim, though, with everyone finding out their fate and trying to figure out who’s been binned.

[Raoul Duke]

In contrast to that, I was told yesterday that an offer for a new job I interviewed for is on the way and I'm lining up some other interviews to increase my bargaining power.

Fuck you, pay me.

What are you doing now?

[Don]

Keep to PMs you two, ffs

[Boydy]

What are you doing now?

Right now or what am I looking to move to?

[Raoul Duke]

Both, I guess? Still doing development?

[Boydy]

Yeah. Currently for a cybersecurity startup. The offer on the way is from a large fintech company that's set up an office in Belfast recently.

[Giggles]

Ignoring Taz :cool:

[Shindig]

Almost finished with training the office and I'm ready to put my feet up. I did get the most bizarre email response today, though. I had one person to train who I have never heard speak in the years I've worked there. His response to the email?

"No offence but if you're just going to 'read the notes' to me, I'd rather just get on." :|

[Spikey M]

Merked.

[Shindig]

That was the entirety of the email as well. Blunt like a true autist.

[Don]

Ignoring Taz :cool:

No one has the facilities for that.

[Baz]

Almost finished with training the office and I'm ready to put my feet up. I did get the most bizarre email response today, though. I had one person to train who I have never heard speak in the years I've worked there. His response to the email?

"No offence but if you're just going to 'read the notes' to me, I'd rather just get on." :|You've got to appreciate the directness.

[Raoul Duke]

Yeah. Currently for a cybersecurity startup. The offer on the way is from a large fintech company that's set up an office in Belfast recently.

Nice one :thbup:

Guess it was worth giving up your dreams of ballet and training in cyber, after all.

[Lofty]

Jimmy's office sounds gloriously mental. Haven't set foot in mine since March, and to think they lolled at me as I left with a barrel of instant coffee and enough stationery to supply a small primary school.

[mo]

I spent a good chunk of my half term evenings collating evidence to apply for UPS (upper pay scale - basically a bit more money with a bit more, unspecified, whole-school responsibility), found out today that I was successful, which was nice. They say you need two years worth of evidence in order to apply for it, so this should be like a reward, but imagine it will be more 'we pay you this, now you have to do x, y, z' etc.

[Foe]

Congrats.

There’s definitely a fine line between more money and extra responsibility being too much of a hassle. Presume this is far from that.

[igor_balis]

Since lockdown 2.0 I've been almost exclusively doing inbound customer service calls. It was a nice racket when it was 9-5 cus the capacity far exceeded demand, especially 2-4.30ish, cus when the little branches shut the lot of them log onto calls. Some days you'd set yourself available for a call and you'd wait 15 mins for one. Glorious.

Sadly they've gotten wise to it and this week I've done 10-6, 11-7 and today 2-10 and I've actually gotta do some work :moop: