The All New Jobs Thread

[Manc]

The only two options.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Pretty much, yeah. I don't know if you've ever worked in an office, but chilly hostility because you don't agree with all someone's life choices isn't the best way of being collegiate.

[Ian]

There are definitely options between actively choosing to socialise with somebody and hostility.

You're going to end up helping him cover up a crime to avoid the awkwardness of saying no.

That said in his case that might just be the best survival option, he'd only shank you and bury you with the other body for dishonourable behaviour.

[Ben]

Will you two fuck off, the stories are tremendous and worth any peril caused.

[Spikey M]

Plot twist: The Arab is the Martial Arts teacher that stole Magics wife.

[Shindig]

This ends with The Arab standing over a body and asking Jimmy to take the fall.

Or he discovers this thread and you get elbowed.

[Giggles]

This ends with The Arab standing over a body and asking Jimmy to take the fall.

Or he discovers this thread and you get elbowed.

And jimmy going ahead with it to avoid the awkward confrontation.

[Raoul Duke]

He is clearly the Jez to Jimmy's Mark. They need each other

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

When Jimmy finally gets the keys to South America and has The Arab as his number 2 :drool:

[Lofty]

It's going to be Arabian sex crimes on tour that Jim will be forced to out himself to escape being dragged into when the police come calling.

[Baz]

Pretty much, yeah. I don't know if you've ever worked in an office, but chilly hostility because you don't agree with all someone's life choices isn't the best way of being collegiate.
Are you ever in contact outside of work?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Only when he texts me about the Barshelona (sic) score.

[Dquincy]

Will you two fuck off, the stories are tremendous and worth any peril caused.

Shame they're made up.

[phonics]

Don't know if it's just me but I imagine him looking and sounding like Alexei Sayle in the Young Ones Era.

[Baz]

Today I've whittled a proposed action plan down from 110 actions to 58.

Now I've the fun task of assigning each to an identified desired outcome.

Can I set my out of office yet? :happycry:

[igor_balis]

yesterday was my last day at the old place, just had to go and hand over my tobacco stained laptop and fob and stuff. oh, I had also managed to accumulate 4 locker keys, and had to spend about 29 minutes looking for the one which matched up to the one the number had fallen off. which was empty. twat.

am now on a surprisingly not shit Avanti train to euston to have my documents scanned and receive my new laptop from the new place. then off until the 3rd. :cool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

There was a rare and very brief meeting today between the boss (who I went to Spain with) and the Arab. It involved, as I was scanning the boss out of the building, the Arab making a bee line for him and doing a ridiculously over-wrought hello-and-goodbye that went on for about three minutes. As he walked away the boss said to me: "Bloody hell, that bloke must drive you mad". I lolled. The Arab had lingered behind a door, seen me lolling, and asked me what the boss had said. I told him and he seethed about it for the next hour.

[Kikó]

I'm logged off and done until next year. Roll on the Glühwein and stollen.

[Giggles]

I’m in tomorrow but I’ve set myself up real handy with a follow up from earlier in the week down in Clare that will have be home at midday latest.

[Ian]

I've already checked the earliest I can finish with my abundance of flexi time and I'll be done by midday until the 4th.

[Giggles]

The fucker just cancelled and I'll have to go to the office now. I'll be delivering fucking bottles all day in the Dublin Christmas exodus traffic now :(

[randomlegend]

I'm working Christmas day.

[Spikey M]

I've just got back from my last home visit of the year, featuring a chronically ill and very lonely, depressed man that has been let down by every support agency in the country. I'm visiting again on the 3rd of January with a Welfare Officer, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has done himself in by then.

Fa lalalala, lalalalaaaaaa.

[Lofty]

Did you not tell him to have a wank and a festive pot noodle?

[Offshore Toon]

The care industry seems rife with good natured people put under so much stress that they stop giving a shit. Social workers do fuck all.

[Lofty]

Social workers are damned if they do and damned if they dont. If they take someone's kids off them they are wankers and if they don't they are negligent.

[Spikey M]

Nah, they're just shit. I have lost all respect for them over the last couple of years.

I have reported:

A blind lady living with her schizophrenic son, self meditating with alcohol and cannabis. She can't go upstairs, he has destroyed it.

A registered paedophile living with an 11 year old boy and his alcoholic and diabetic mother (that spends most of the day asleep). Said paedophile also did the school run for his neighbour (that didn't know his status and neither did the school).

A woman living completely alone that called me 4 times in one day panicking about the same letter, each time completely unaware that we had already spoken.

I got the same form letter in reply every time. Zero follow up.

[randomlegend]

I also struggle to feel anything positive towards social workers.

[igor_balis]

my dad forced my mum to be a sole breadwinner while he spent 2 years training to be a social worker, then within about a year he was sent down for 6 months for stealing a load of money from some old vulnerable people he was looking after to fund his speed addiction, so personally I'm a big fan!

[Manc]

Classic.

[Magic]

The French company I work for announced the sale of it's UK division to the Americans (instead of the whole global company) on Christmas eve via email. In French. With a scan of a French newspaper article that you can't copy and paste to translate. Assuming the entire group got the email. It's not been followed up internally but there's UK articles about it. Fucking French.

[Giggles]

The French company I work for announced the sale of its UK division to the Americans (instead of the whole global company) on Christmas eve via email. In French. With a scan of a French newspaper article that you can't copy and paste to translate. Assuming the entire group got the email. It's not been followed up internally but there's UK articles about it. Fucking French.

Use the camera in google translate.

[Foe]

The French company I work for announced the sale of it's UK division to the Americans (instead of the whole global company) on Christmas eve via email. In French. With a scan of a French newspaper article that you can't copy and paste to translate. Assuming the entire group got the email. It's not been followed up internally but there's UK articles about it. Fucking French.

Any imminent risk of restructure and redundancy?

My promotion came through in this months pay and they back paid me for November too. :drool:

[Magic]

Any imminent risk of restructure and redundancy?

My promotion came through in this months pay and they back paid me for November too. :drool:

No more than usual. Freaks.

[Don]

This is a good take:

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/2022-in-review/the-year-in-quiet-quitting?utm_campaign=likeshopme&client_service_id=31202&utm_social_type=owned&utm_brand=tny&service_user_id=1.78e+16&utm_content=instagram-bio-link&utm_source=instagram&utm_medium=social&client_service_name=the%20new%20yorker&supported_service_name=instagram_publishing

[Yevrah]

The French company I work for announced the sale of it's UK division to the Americans (instead of the whole global company) on Christmas eve via email. In French. With a scan of a French newspaper article that you can't copy and paste to translate. Assuming the entire group got the email. It's not been followed up internally but there's UK articles about it. Fucking French.

Godspeed. The company I work for got bought out 12 months ago and fuck me it's been a painful experience since. I leave at the end of April and it cannot come soon enough.

[Shindig]

Got something else lined up or is that way too far off?

[Baz]

Hopefully an FM save with TTH

[Manc]

This is a good take:

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/2022-in-review/the-year-in-quiet-quitting?utm_campaign=likeshopme&client_service_id=31202&utm_social_type=owned&utm_brand=tny&service_user_id=1.78e+16&utm_content=instagram-bio-link&utm_source=instagram&utm_medium=social&client_service_name=the%20new%20yorker&supported_service_name=instagram_publishing

On the money.

[Boydy]

Back to work tomorrow. :cry:

[Spikey M]

Same. Including a home visit with the suicidal man I visited before Christmas. I haven't had any failed calls from management, so I'm hoping that means he's not done anything silly.

[mo]

Same here. It's a TD day at least. Easing back in by being bored to tears when I could be doing something useful.

[Ben]

My work phone ran out of battery on Christmas Eve so I’m looking forward to the shit that awaits. In theory there should be nothing because everyone has been off due to us being on shutdown but I’ve learnt to expect the unexpected.

[Shindig]

I'm on the hook to train someone this week. They wanted us to start it last week which was never going to happen.

[Giggles]

I’ve just driven 3 hours and 20 minutes to be told I’m not needed for at least 6 hours.

[Baz]

Disabling notifications for 'reactions' on Teams was one of my top 5 decisions of 2022.

Annoying you can't disable the chat sound without also disabling the incoming call sound though.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Started the year with the first grown man on the phone in tears because some piston rings aren't available until next week.

'But I need them now! Machine is down! This is costing me thousands! *voice cracks*'
'They're still at the port, what do you want me to do?'
'Can't you help us!!!?!?!?! I can't even wait until this afternoon, let alone next week! *sob*'

A remarkably emotional industry, this, sometimes.

[Giggles]

Does the boss know? Because presumably if he asked you to go there and fashion some new ones with your bare hands you’d be on the way already.

[Jimmy Floyd]

No chance for a set of 6 piston rings, chicken feed. We're a wholesaler, so end users come to us for the prices but then cry salt tears when we're out of stock. They could get these rings from any local distributor in an hour, but for five/ten times the price.

[Don]

Bodyclock shifting by a good couple of hours, at least, over the last 10 days or whatever has made this morning a real struggle. Need to keep calm and remember only 35 or so more years to go.

[Shindig]

I changed one of my passwords on Friday. I didn't write it down right and the helpdesk number I need has vanished. I am completely locked out of our systems now. The IT guys on staff don't appear to have it. Contacted them an hour ago and have had no response.

Accidental day off :cool:

[Spikey M]

Well, the dude is still alive, but he'd probably be better of if he wasn't. Poor bastard.

[Jimmy Floyd]

An absolutely bizarre start to the new year from the Arab. He's just gone around the office inviting people to submit their guesses as to what his December electricity bill came to, with the closest winning a prize of £20. I guessed £309, but the real answer was £654, with the Indian guy collecting the prize.

Now he's talking about how his jeans cost £120. I think he's having a meltdown of some kind.

[Ben]

How the fuck has he spent £654? I'm doing a steady £6-7 a day at the moment and that's with the heating on 24/7 due to having a baby.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Cryptomining?

[Baz]

Did not expect the Arab to wear jeans to work.

[Mike]

Bet they look wet.

[Foe]

Anticipated most people not being back to work until tomorrow leading to relatively quiet and relaxing days.

Turned out to be exactly the case. :cool:

Also had a major thing I wanted/needed to do today, and we might’ve just gone and done it on day 2. If it works, I’m coasting the rest of the year.

[Foe]

Also, my job title now has “senior” which makes me feel much better about being extremely bald.

[AyDee]

First day back and been landed with two full-day of negotiations for a maintenance contract for a fleet of planes (didn't realize 737s were still a thing). Obviously all super urgent, written in technical gobbledygook and completely new to us/me, so that's fun.

The return from Christmas also means recruiters are back en masse, so my LinkedIn inbox has been busy today. I've been contemplating a move in-house and have been offered an interview for a fairly interesting company, but undecided if I'll take the leap, partly because only been in this job 8 months. Won't hurt to interview though.

[Baz]

In a meeting about potential weather-related power outages and the guy presenting it is hammering home how low risk it is, and one person I work with is doing her best to start laying down contingency plans - so we shouldn't travel into the office? Traffic lights will fail? All buildings will have no heating or lightning? No hun, he's saying nothings going to happen. Now get your arse in the office every Thursday like the rest of us.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Got my complete itinerary for South America now, I think this flight is definitely the winner from the sixteen:

22 Feb 2023
Wednesday
Flight: Boliviana de Aviación - OB 741
LIM, Jorge Chávez International Airport, Lima, Peru
Depart: 01:00
VVI, Viru Viru International Airport, Santa Cruz, Bolivia
Arrive: 04:30
Class: Economy

[Baz]

What’s the weather gonna be like?

[-james-]

Nacional Potosí - Independiente Medellin in a Copa Libertadores prelim on the 22nd. :drool:

[igor_balis]

Managed to oversleep on my second day in the new job :cool:

what a fucking MORON

[Jimmy Floyd]

There's no fear like the fear when you wake up and it's just too light outside.

[Ian]

What alarm setup does everybody go with? I don't snooze because that's playing with fire. I have two alarms that go off the same time so I have to wake up enough to turn off my phone and the alarm clock. Think I've only overslept enough to make me properly late once.

[Baz]

What’s the weather gonna be like?

https://i.imgur.com/BDNcy76.png

[Baz]

What alarm setup does everybody go with? I don't snooze because that's playing with fire. I have two alarms that go off the same time so I have to wake up enough to turn off my phone and the alarm clock. Think I've only overslept enough to make me properly late once.Haven't needed to set one since having children. Pricks.

[Jimmy Floyd]

What’s the weather gonna be like?

I had it in the 20s / maybe high 20s inland, no detailed knowledge though.

[Ian]

Haven't needed to set one since having children. Pricks.

:D

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Isn't February the wet season over in South America?

[Giggles]

What alarm setup does everybody go with? I don't snooze because that's playing with fire. I have two alarms that go off the same time so I have to wake up enough to turn off my phone and the alarm clock. Think I've only overslept enough to make me properly late once.

I put my phone over on the window sill so I have to get up to turn it off.

[Bernanke]

Isn't February the wet season over in South America?

It's October-November in Colombia as far as I know.

[igor_balis]

yeah I need to get a proper alarm clock cus I am entirely wedded to listening to podcasts on my phone as I fall asleep, which leaves the handset far too close to avoid the risk of just turning the alarm off and going back to sleep without realising I've done it

[Shindig]

What alarm setup does everybody go with? I don't snooze because that's playing with fire. I have two alarms that go off the same time so I have to wake up enough to turn off my phone and the alarm clock. Think I've only overslept enough to make me properly late once.

I have just the one. Most of the time I'll wake up before it's due to go off. Then I stay in bed for another 15-30 minutes.

[Danny]

Isn't February the wet season over in South America?

It will be when Jim gets there. Oi oi :huhu:

[Kikó]

Re: alarms. My Fitbit usually is for between 645-730 depending on whether or not I'm working out. My kid usually wakes up at 6 anyway so it's a bit pointless.

Day 2 back in the office and really CBA.

[igor_balis]

definitely noticing subtle differences between new place and old place. the stupid mandatory training stuff about how to sit in your chair and how you shouldn't get pissed on shift made me go "oh yeah I spose I had better plug my laptop into my monitor and not just sit on the sofa all day", until I realised my new laptop doesn't have a hdmi port lol, spose I better get a VGA adapter

[Boydy]

A vga adapter? What sort of laptop have they given you? Is it from the noughties?

[Giggles]

Presumably it has no display port at all and you just need a USB to HDMI adapter.

[Baz]

definitely noticing subtle differences between new place and old place. the stupid mandatory training stuff about how to sit in your chair and how you shouldn't get pissed on shift made me go "oh yeah I spose I had better plug my laptop into my monitor and not just sit on the sofa all day", until I realised my new laptop doesn't have a hdmi port lol, spose I better get a VGA adapter

Is it a Surface? Need a Mini Displayport to HDMI (https://amzn.to/3vCJb3o) adaptor.

[Gray Fox]

It seems my employers want their revenge. So after agreeing in early December a new part time shift I was to permanently switch to, I assumed that was that. I've double checked today to see what about I might get paid and I've noticed that, instead of immediately changing me over, they put me down to switch to that shift on the 1st of January.
In the meantime they've had me as authorised absence for half a day and let me work the other half. Now Decembers pay was halfway ish between a full time pay and a part timers, so I didn't really question it as I thought that should cover the bit early in the month where the crossover was.

Turns out you get paid as normal this way until you switch, so essentially they overpaid me by pretty much double in December, but some was clawed back. Now they're going to want the rest back in January as all through December I've been on the same. So pretty much come payday in January I'm going to be lucky if I get anything at all.

[Shindig]

I forgot you pulled that stunt. HR remembers. :D

[Gray Fox]

Luckily enough I've seen them pull that one before so I was able to stick some aside ready for this day.

[Adramelch]

I have 3 interviews in the next couple of weeks so hopefully something good comes my way.

[Pepe]

Are you still in Spain, or am I completely misremembering things?

[Baz]

I have 3 interviews in the next couple of weeks so hopefully something good comes my way.
Are they all for similar jobs?

Do you feel prepared?

[Adramelch]

Are you still in Spain, or am I completely misremembering things?

I am not. Got my PhD there, then worked for a year in Paris and now I am back in Greece doing a very boring job for relatively little money (though it's fairly good to have on the CV, it's for the regulatory authority for energy).
Baz: The jobs are actually quite different from each other. One is R&D in McLaren in my actual field (computational fluid dynamics), the other one is on wind turbine patents in the Netherlands (fairly bureaucratic but pays a fuckton) and the last one is for the R&D department of the major electricity provider here in Greece.

The first one sort of terrifies me as the interview will be with all the heads of the CFD department, who have been in McLaren for like 15 years each, so I expect it to be highly technical and quite challenging, the second one I've passed the technical interview so it's more so HR stuff, the only "challenging" thing being that I told them I know German, but I haven't spoken in like 10 years (I do have a B2-level degree) so we'll see, and the last one is a very initial sort of interview where they get to explain what exactly the position is and the likes, so nothing too scary there.

[phonics]

Got fired and re-hired in the same day. Love the bar job world.

[Boydy]

Why are you still doing that?

[Shindig]

'cos he needs money.

[Lewis]

I think what he means why is he still pulling pints when he used to [claim to] have a well-paid job in a specific field.

[Shindig]

He's probably still applying for that stuff but getting nothing back. Still, I'd be taking entry level admin over pint pulling.

[Lewis]

That or some SvN figure offered you twenty-five grand a year and it turned out that your well-paid job was actually just living in a wealthy country.

[Boydy]

I think what he means why is he still pulling pints when he used to [claim to] have a well-paid job in a specific field.

Yeah, it was obviously that.

[Mike]

Maybe he enjoys it.

[Ben]

Pulling pints is great. I used to love it.

[phonics]

Unfortunately, we will not be offering the role to you on this occasion. It was very clear that you had a great range of creative and technical skills and abilities, but we had a number of very strong applications and there was another candidate that more closely aligned blah blah blah

Once a month for a year. And they won’t hire me for those 25k jobs because ‘you have too much experience’. The job market is dumb.

[Adramelch]

There is some merit to the "you have too much experience" argument in fairness, which is that they mean "you'll probably leave at the first opportunity". I do get that.

[phonics]

I can't get the first opportunity though. It's a fucking dumb situation. I'm too good for the bad shit and too bad for the good shit. It's absolutely absurd.

Sign me to a non-compete if it's that much of an issue.

[Ian]

That just boils down to companies despising recruiting.ore than anything else on Earth..I've never seen the money side of it, is that why? Or is it just because people hate interviewing?

The amount of shit cunts I've seen get waved through their probation because people would rather suffer an utter shitheap of an employee than do more recruitment blows my mind.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Keep plugging away and eventually the ball falls to you.

[Spikey M]

That just boils down to companies despising recruiting.ore than anything else on Earth..I've never seen the money side of it, is that why? Or is it just because people hate interviewing?

The amount of shit cunts I've seen get waved through their probation because people would rather suffer an utter shitheap of an employee than do more recruitment blows my mind.

It's the whole thing. The cost of advertising a position, time for interviews, comparing interviews according to the bullshit grading criteria, background and reference checking, waiting for the successful candidates notice period, setting up new log in details, freeing up staff for training, etc. It must be a pain in the arse.

[Baz]

I can't get the first opportunity though. It's a fucking dumb situation. I'm too good for the bad shit and too bad for the good shit. It's absolutely absurd.

Sign me to a non-compete if it's that much of an issue.
Go work for a local authority.

[Spikey M]

I think he wants to earn some actual money.

[Baz]

Any money > no money

Also ‘some money for very little work’ > ‘lots of money for lots of work’

I sent six email requests on Friday and classed it as a productive day.

[Spikey M]

He's working in a pub. He's already making Civil Service money.

[Magic]

After 3 weeks off I cannot bear the thought of being back at work on Monday. :sick:

[Foe]

I’m pretty lucky then, because I went back last Monday and I was actually quite looking forward to getting back to it.

Both for the routine and the fact that I don’t actually hate my job.

[Waffdon]

After 3 weeks off I cannot bear the thought of being back at work on Monday. :sick:

Yeah, first day back tomorrow since 16th December. Sleeping pattern in the mud.

[Spikey M]

My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.

[Raoul Duke]

My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.

Wrong approach - the correct idea is to use their weapons against them. Make yourself look like an glow-in-the-dark satsuma or some horrific Legion Of Doom maniac

[Ian]

Just use your avatar, Spikey.

[Yevrah]

My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.

I genuinely do not understand the widespread use of filters, they look absolutely dreadful.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.

[Boydy]

Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.
I assumed it was more the ones that slim your face/smooth out your skin/whiten your teeth etc.

[Boydy]

There's a company wide meeting later today (not that we're a particularly big company) that I assumed was about us getting our first customer signed (it's been in the pipeline for weeks now) but just been told by my manager here that it's because the CTO in the US is leaving. Even better news. He's a pain in our arse. That's made my week already.

[Ben]

Company wide meetings are always a hoot.

We were all coerced into joining our last one (remotely) with the promise of being entered into a draw for a Ford Mustang E. The CEO then dialled the winner live on air and was told, via a Czech-German translator, to fuck off because it's obviously a spam call. Nobody gives away free cars.

[Boydy]

There only are about 16 of us tbf. And four of those are contractors.

But still, I'm delighted.

[Spikey M]

Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.

What Boydy said. Flaw removal. Perfect teeth, thinner face, no second (third or fourth) chins, etc.

I might get them to restore my hairline actually. Brb.

[Boydy]

The sort of shit lots of people use on dating apps.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I didn't even know that sort of thing existed. Pathetic.

[Magic]

Can we not just use chatGPT to generate AI images of what perfect employees look like in our new dystopia.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'

[Baz]

And they’re an MD. :uhoh:

It’s great running my own meetings now rather than just supporting someone else. What would previously have taken at least 40 minutes, and often upto the full allocated hour, is now done in 15 and I’ve 45 minutes to do some actual work.

[igor_balis]

The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'

okay this post might be the one to make me do a full Manc style heel turn

[SvN]

Is it some sort of clumsy insult, calling him a cow?

[Spikey M]

The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'

Someone I went to school with went to Turkey to get a gastric band put in. He's lost an absolute fuck tonne of weight, but his occasional dinner photos are depressing beyond words. Here we have mash potato and carrot. :happycry:

https://iili.io/H72ZmMB.md.jpg

[Magic]

Is it some sort of clumsy insult, calling him a cow?

They have four stomachs.

[Spikey M]

I'm sure I saw on QI that one of our pointless organs (possibly the Appendix) is technically stomach, it's just shrunken and unused because it's a throwback to when we ate nothing but leaves.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I think the most likely explanation is that he'd confused it with intestines, of which we have small and large.

[Magic]

I'm sure I saw on QI that one of our pointless organs (possibly the Appendix) is technically stomach, it's just shrunken and unused because it's a throwback to when we ate nothing but leaves.

That's your dick m8

[Baz]

> Sent out two different templates with very discernible filenames
> please fill in Q3 with actual spend
> please fill in Year 2 with projected spend
> received year 2 spreadsheet with Q3s actual spend on

:mad:

[Ben]

I get useless shit like that all the time. I end up always reading my sent email back to myself to see if I actually made sense or not. Always the same conclusion: people are idiots.

[Spikey M]

I am finding increasingly that people just can't deal with more than one query at once.

"I haven't heard from you since we last spoke in November. Has the noise from your neighbour improved? Have you been recording the time and dates of disturbances as I requested? With regards to your repair, I can see that this was due to be completed yesterday. Is everything OK now?"

"Hi, he had music on last night."

I blame WhatsApp.

[randomlegend]

There's a consultant who, whenever I email them about a patient, will reply about a completely different patient and answering a completely different question.

I start all my emails about patients with their name, hospital number and date of birth.

[phonics]

Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance. On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?

[Baz]

Who cares if they’re gonna pay you?

[phonics]

At 105k a year for 40 hours a week. I'd require like a 14.

[Don]

You ain't Will Hunting, son.

[Boydy]

Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance. On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?
Worry about that if you actually get the job.

[Spikey M]

This is the worst humble brag I've ever seen.

[phonics]

You people are so miserable. If a ray of light came through your window, you'd shut the curtains.

[Pepe]

You are not a ray of light. More like a tsunami of shit.

[Pepe]

Jk we all love you.

[Kikó]

Can't believe you'd give up the pint game for Boeing.

[Danny]

You people are so miserable. If a ray of light came through your window, you'd shut the curtains.


Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance.

Ray of light.


On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?

Meet shutting curtains.

[Boydy]

Not really sure what you expect, phonics. You seem to come here and post something then have a bit of a strop when we don't all fall over ourselves to suck you off these days.

But:
1. A recruiter contacted you about the job, it's still far from certain so my advice on not worrying about it until you get the job holds as a recruiter contacting you about a job doesn't mean much.
2. You had a good career before and you now seem to be languishing in some sketchy pub after moving to the UK again. I'd take whatever to get back into your field before that gap in your CV gets big enough to be a concern for potential employers. Boeing are probably evil but if you get offered the job, I'd take it and then look for something else once you've been there a while if you find it corrodes your soul too much.

[phonics]

I’m just lightheartedly posting. I really don’t mind. Think what you want. As I said to Baz it could be a 14 and you act like I’ve said no to the job.

[Giggles]

Who gives a fuck if they're paying you? Not that an email from a recruiter means all that much anyway, they've sent the same one to hundreds.

[Shindig]

I would give Boeing a 7 but they seem more negligent than evil.

[Giggles]

Also:

https://www.zippia.com/answers/does-boeing-drug-test/

The other end of the scale from junks r’us.

[wullie]

They've got the world's biggest factory but nobody's allowed in, suspicious.

[phonics]

Also:

https://www.zippia.com/answers/does-boeing-drug-test/

The other end of the scale from junks r’us.

I haven't done drugs in over a year.

[Raoul Duke]

I would give Boeing a 7 but they seem more negligent than evil.

I would give them a 747

[Shindig]

:henn0rz:

[Ben]

I got my first ever job offer on LinkedIn today. The bird said it’s mine if I want it. Local to me, £50k + “excellent benefits” + car. Seems a decent package to offer without an interview. It’s not even in my specialty.

:sherlock:

[Danny]

Sounds like you are going to wake up in an ice bath one kidney down.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

But he still gets the job, right?

[Lewis]

Not really sure what you expect, phonics. You seem to come here and post something then have a bit of a strop when we don't all fall over ourselves to suck you off these days.

But:
1. A recruiter contacted you about the job, it's still far from certain so my advice on not worrying about it until you get the job holds as a recruiter contacting you about a job doesn't mean much.
2. You had a good career before and you now seem to be languishing in some sketchy pub after moving to the UK again. I'd take whatever to get back into your field before that gap in your CV gets big enough to be a concern for potential employers. Boeing are probably evil but if you get offered the job, I'd take it and then look for something else once you've been there a while if you find it corrodes your soul too much.

Get a load of Uncle Steve here.

[Boydy]

Am I wrong?

[Ian]

Tells somebody to be be aware of what they should expect from TTH replies then questions snark from Lewis.

[Boydy]

I wasn't questioning the snark!

Uncle Steve is right.

[Boydy]

I suppose now I'm questioning your snark. Fuck you, Ian.

[Lewis]

Am I wrong?

Not really. Post it again, but this time tell him to 'catch yourself on'.

[Ian]

I suppose now I'm questioning your snark. Fuck you, Ian.

:D

[Offshore Toon]

Stop lapping it up. Phonics probably got his decent-paying jobs via his mum.

[phonics]

If only. I tried that and failed Proctor and Gambles 7-step interview process during the ethics section.

[Ben]

I got my first ever job offer on LinkedIn today. The bird said it’s mine if I want it. Local to me, £50k + “excellent benefits” + car. Seems a decent package to offer without an interview. It’s not even in my specialty.

:sherlock:

She's messaged me again. We've got plenty of mutual connections including one of my good mates and she's local so someone I know must know her game.

Very sus.

[Baz]

Someone at work doesn’t exist. I swear she’s AI. So much so I made an AI video of someone claiming to be her and how much they were looking forward to the staff night out at the end of the month. I shared this with 3 people. If it “gets out” I’m surely done for.

[Lofty]

You're putting a lot of eggs in the 'bantz king at work' basket hoping you're not actually 'work weirdo'.

[Lewis]

Why not be both?

[Spikey M]

I've worked with plenty of both and the weirdos are always far better value.

Work weirdos > Bantz kings.

[Shindig]

The weirdos give you memories to last a lifetime.

[Giggles]

A banter cunt in a workplace is some dose.

[Dquincy]

At 105k a year for 40 hours a week. I'd require like a 14.
What a small dick cunt you really are.

[randomlegend]

What a small dick cunt you really are.

:lol:

So unnecessary.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Today we had 'Lloyd' from Jamaica in the office, in full rasta hat and not using phone or email or disclosing his surname, on a complete cold visit trying to get discounts on gear for the tractors on his uncle's peanut farm. I didn't get saddled with him thank god, but the guy who did had to sit there while Lloyd put his uncle on speakerphone in full patois, and rather than translating it just kept saying 'Y'heeeaar th'maaan'.

Naturally, the Arab bowled in ultra-confident and asked him if he liked reggae. Lloyd didn't like reggae but he did tell the Arab about Jamaica, breaking it down into 'd'peeeaanut farms' and 'd'paaaarty place', which turned out to be Montego Bay. Then they started arguing about whether Kingston or Baghdad was home to the world's best smoked fish.

I got this job from an agency ffs.

[Baz]

There's your sitcom, Yevrah.

[Giggles]

God I hope that midlifer has run its course. Maybe he got an MX5 or something.

[Spikey M]

Today we had 'Lloyd' from Jamaica in the office, in full rasta hat and not using phone or email or disclosing his surname, on a complete cold visit trying to get discounts on gear for the tractors on his uncle's peanut farm. I didn't get saddled with him thank god, but the guy who did had to sit there while Lloyd put his uncle on speakerphone in full patois, and rather than translating it just kept saying 'Y'heeeaar th'maaan'.

Naturally, the Arab bowled in ultra-confident and asked him if he liked reggae. Lloyd didn't like reggae but he did tell the Arab about Jamaica, breaking it down into 'd'peeeaanut farms' and 'd'paaaarty place', which turned out to be Montego Bay. Then they started arguing about whether Kingston or Baghdad was home to the world's best smoked fish.

I got this job from an agency ffs.

Phonics new manager after his first day at Boeing.

[Lofty]

Why not be both?

I suspect bantz king is less likely to get grassed up to HR.

[Foe]

Anticipated most people not being back to work until tomorrow leading to relatively quiet and relaxing days.

Turned out to be exactly the case. :cool:

Also had a major thing I wanted/needed to do *this year*, and we might’ve just gone and done it on day 2. If it works, I’m coasting the rest of the year.

Worked a charm. Added about 7.5% capacity to the plant in the short term. :drool:

Now I actually feel paid appropriately by the company and don’t really worry about a “career” I actually quite enjoy work.

Had my first week of 3 office working days and it is completely unnecessary. On the plus side, more chips.

[Lewis]

I suspect bantz king is less likely to get grassed up to HR.

https://i.imgur.com/MIIKgAi.png

[Spikey M]

:D

[Baz]

Outstanding.

[Lofty]

:D

[Offshore Toon]

:D

[Boydy]

:lol:

That's up there with the broom cartoon.

[Spikey M]

Has anyone on here completely changed employment type? I'm looking for a new job, but the idea of stepping into yet another office / wfh job is knocking me sick.

Ideally I'd like to do a "propper" job, on a building site or digging up roads, but I have zero experience and a family, so the likely entry level wage would make that difficult.

Anyone know of any courses etc. That could run alongside full-time work and possibly lead straight into a decent paying manual job?

Alternatively, oi Foe, can you get me a cushy Oil job?

[Baz]

Does Bam need a labourer?

[Boydy]

What about this (https://avon.uk.com/pages/become-an-avon-rep), Spikey?

[Spikey M]

:D

I'm already selling wax melts, hun.

[wullie]

I can't believe that Avon's still going, it's got to be a criminal front at this point. Tupperware too

[Don]

Happy Blue Monday.

I thought about electrician/plumber courses during past meltdowns as I hear they get paid solid figures but never did look into it. I assume you're still looking at a solid couple years of training and work exp, no?

[Spikey M]

Happy Blue Monday.

I thought about electrician/plumber courses during past meltdowns as I hear they get paid solid figures but never did look into it. I assume you're still looking at a solid couple years of training and work exp, no?

I imagine so unfortunately. Which leaves the question of living off savings until I start earning more, but that's a bit high risk considering I have no idea how long that's likely to take.

[Don]

Keep calm and trudge on champ, there's going to be similar widespread existential crises all over the gaff soon leading to the breakdown of society as we know it :yn:

[Ben]

There's loads of major infrastructure jobs going on in and around London at the moment, we've had to bump wages up to stop men leaving. Have a look at some of those (HS2, Crossrail, Tideway etc etc), they'll all have tons of jobs going. Depending on your office experience you might be able to get in at a decent level (basically there's more jobs than qualified men right now). It's always paid well but the shift patterns can be a twat if you're permanently on site. It might be not for you at all so I might be pissing into the wind but it's one of those industries where once you're in and willing, you're in for life. Some companies are so desperate at the moment that they'll even train you up and pay for the tickets.

[Spikey M]

Swish, I'll have a look tonight. Cheers.

[Baz]

One of these things is not like the other is clearly a massive tosser:

https://i.imgur.com/JT6m7z6.png

[Lewis]

Has anyone on here completely changed employment type? I'm looking for a new job, but the idea of stepping into yet another office / wfh job is knocking me sick.

Ideally I'd like to do a "propper" job, on a building site or digging up roads, but I have zero experience and a family, so the likely entry level wage would make that difficult.

Anyone know of any courses etc. That could run alongside full-time work and possibly lead straight into a decent paying manual job?

Alternatively, oi Foe, can you get me a cushy Oil job?

Mid-life crisis. Get a hair transplant.

[Pepe]

Watch him quit after one day of 'digging up roads' because his wrist hurts.

[Lewis]

Cries off when the 'lads' find his Faceparty and pin it up all round the site office.

[Foe]

Oil jobs hard to come by these days as basically job freezes all over the shop.

If you can hack it, the opito scheme to become a technician would get you into an offshore rotation as a technician - but unsure how that compares with just doing a trade apprenticeship. The guys where I work are 3/4, 3/5 and seems to be basically alternating day shift/nightshift.

If you’re handy with a spanner and good at turning valves it’s not a bad way to earn a living. Although you need to be able to withstand some brutal weather.

One of the smartest people (first class out of Cambridge eccentrics, consultant who would just derive equations for calculations himself) I’ve ever met was pestering management about going offshore to be a technician for a while until they told him to wake up. He’d have been more qualified than the person in charge of the whole rig. Some of the ones who will have been doing in 15+ years will be clearing £100k I’d bet, to work half the year.

[Spikey M]

£100k I’d bet, to work half the year.

Deal. When do I start?

[randomlegend]

Watch him quit after one day of 'digging up roads' because his wrist hurts.

Aren't you basically a flouncey academic?

[Pepe]

I am.

[Spikey M]

TTH may sneer, but the best job I ever had was an agency job for the summer while I was at Uni. It consisted of putting shit on, and taking shit off lorries. When there were no lorries, we smashed wooden pallets up and chucked them in a skip. What times they were. £6.30 an hour, granted, but still :drool:

[Shindig]

They'll not find a hard hat in your size.

[randomlegend]

They'll not find a hard hat in your size.

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61km35u8M1L._AC_SY355_.jpg

[Spikey M]

I'll take an egg cup.

[Magic]

Has anyone on here completely changed employment type? I'm looking for a new job, but the idea of stepping into yet another office / wfh job is knocking me sick.

Ideally I'd like to do a "propper" job, on a building site or digging up roads, but I have zero experience and a family, so the likely entry level wage would make that difficult.

Anyone know of any courses etc. That could run alongside full-time work and possibly lead straight into a decent paying manual job?

Alternatively, oi Foe, can you get me a cushy Oil job?

What do you enjoy doing?

[Spikey M]

What do you enjoy doing?

Nothing that would translate to a job.

[igor_balis]

new job is cool. spent the entire day doing little reports and searches of our database looking for potential prospects to invite to an event, and for some reason I found it really fun. sorta like player search on FM except looking for high previous donation amounts and general engagement/compatibility with the charity rather than low release clauses and suitable attributes and shit.

if only I had obafemi martins to guide me in my professional searches like I do for Livorno's player recruitment.

[mo]

One of these things is not like the other is clearly a massive tosser:

https://i.imgur.com/JT6m7z6.png

Nope, I'm not seeing it. Which one is 'clearly' a massive tosser?

[Shindig]

I'm reckon it's the Dame.

[Baz]

Nope, I'm not seeing it. Which one is 'clearly' a massive tosser?

The one who provided a mock painting for his profile photo.

[Spikey M]

I assumed it was the Dame.

[Baz]

I'm reckon it's the Dame.whoa now blasphemy!! She’s a goddess in the public health world.

Literally everything anyone does in the sector is because of THE DAME CAROL BLACK REVIEW.

[mo]

Not convinced. A bit dim maybe, as those types invariably are, but harmless I would have thought.

[Spikey M]

I'm not convinced that's not actually Pep Guardiola.

[Baz]

Well I look forward to finding out, during the 9 - 5 Microsoft Teams boreathon.

Events that long need to be in person. Guarantee I’ll spend most of it on my phone scrolling Reddit.

[Manc]

Hang in there Spikey. I was a few moments away from handing in my notice today, but remembered I now have a mortgage. Grim.

[Magic]

Nothing that would translate to a job.

Obviously, I just wanted to take enjoyment from you not being able to do those things whilst you learn your new career lol.

[Baz]

:D

[Spikey M]

Obviously, I just wanted to take enjoyment from you not being able to do those things whilst you learn your new career lol.

Spending time with my children more than 2 days a week is one of those things.

[Boydy]

If only Mellin had made us all rich. :(

[randomlegend]

Obviously, I just wanted to take enjoyment from you not being able to do those things whilst you learn your new career lol.

:lol:

[niko_cee]

I'm not convinced that's not actually Pep Guardiola.

It's Rafa Benitez rebranding himself as Pep Guardiola.

Facht.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's very rare nowadays that you meet a man and he doesn't look like that Danny Ahmed picture. Most men look very like him - even the ones with hair, when they wear hats.

[Lewis]

I could tell you every single one of his political opinions off that picture.

[Jimmy Floyd]

At the weekend I got a load of vaccinations which are recommended for South America. Tetanus, dyptheria and the other one, yellow fever, typhoid fever, hep A, you name it I had it pumped into me. There also seems to be a requirement for Bolivia that you have a yellow fever vax especially if you come in from Peru, as we are doing. I then emailed the MD asking him to confirm that these could be expensed. He came back and confirmed that they could. Fine. Only problem is that I was also stupid enough to copy in the reigonal manager, who I'm travelling with. 78 years old, this guy has been visiting the region for decades and knows it inside out. He replies with the following:


Which country is requiring vaccinations I have never had any.

I suppose it is better the precaution rather than the cure.

Cheers mate.

[Don]

They're probs lolling you off as a soft shite as we speak.

[Baz]

My job seems to be just asking other people for stuff.

[randomlegend]

Been rotad into two different jobs at the same time from the start of March :thbup:

Honestly, you haven't experienced incompetence until you've dealt with medical staffing in hospitals.

[Foe]

Do some overtime and get quadruple pay.

[randomlegend]

I can almost guarantee that rather than paying me for both they'll play me for neither.

[igor_balis]

absolutely love that both CRMs I've used at the two ~£50m turnover charities I've now worked for are about a decade behind the functionality of the one I used for the tiny 3 person business i worked for in 2015. it's practically green text on a black screen.

before I joined the sector I had the usual assumption of charities spunking money on bollocks they shouldn't, but the reality is that there's a constant paranoia about optics, and it means that so many stupid penny pinching decisions that will cost money in efficiency in the long term get made, cus they're scared Private Eye are gonna run an exposé about spending donations on literally anything except the actual work on the ground.

[Lofty]

My spot ran a major software upgrade on a key program last week and it's basically been unusable since :D

[Magic]

absolutely love that both CRMs I've used at the two ~£50m turnover charities I've now worked for are about a decade behind the functionality of the one I used for the tiny 3 person business i worked for in 2015. it's practically green text on a black screen.

before I joined the sector I had the usual assumption of charities spunking money on bollocks they shouldn't, but the reality is that there's a constant paranoia about optics, and it means that so many stupid penny pinching decisions that will cost money in efficiency in the long term get made, cus they're scared Private Eye are gonna run an exposé about spending donations on literally anything except the actual work on the ground.

Try having the absolute balls-out Salesforce licence and it being so locked down and restrictive and badly designed that it's worse than using a notepad document.

[Don]

Try working for the public sector. I do think it's not so much waiting for new software to be adopted but rather waiting for the the current utilised software to become so outdated that the provider has to make the decision to stop continuing it. The productivity savings would be so great they'd probably cause problems in terms of the loss of jobs.

[Shindig]

We’re pushing updates Thursday night so I expect everything to be broke on Friday.

[Baz]

Try working for the public sector. I do think it's not so much waiting for new software to be adopted but rather waiting for the the current utilised software to become so outdated that the provider has to make the decision to stop continuing it. The productivity savings would be so great they'd probably cause problems in terms of the loss of jobs.
Do you work with grants?

My job is basically get big pots of free money and decide how much providers will get, once they've told me how they plan to spend it. The latest grant is massive and there's so much underspend it's embarassing so we (me and 2 providers) had a meeting on how to spend it before the government take it back in April. £10k worth of Love2shop vouchers was legitimately mentioned, along with buying a minibus, new office furniture for the entire teams, pre-paying next years rent, it's mad. :happycry: I'm just like sure sure, get it spent, cos I know the procedure for reporting spend is easy but I've no clue how to return unspent money.

[niko_cee]

And therein lies a nation in ruins.

[Raoul Duke]

Try having the absolute balls-out Salesforce licence and it being so locked down and restrictive and badly designed that it's worse than using a notepad document.

SalesForce is absolutely dogshit. I commiserate anyone having to use it

[Boydy]

We develop stuff that integrates with Salesforce and sometimes I have to log into it to test things and I fucking hate it. Don't know how anyone uses it. It's disgusting.

[Ian]

+1 for Salesforce being a steaming heap of poo.

[Magic]

SalesForce is absolutely dogshit. I commiserate anyone having to use it

They're all shite to be fair but Hubspot is probably the best/most user friendly one I've used.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We haven't been paid on time today (another fine job by our sith ifrican overlords), so everyone is just sitting around lolling and chilling. Even the Arab is pretending to be dead broke.

Some nice anti-strikes rhetoric has started up in the corner. Fuck the nurses, crush the poor.