The All New Jobs Thread

[Jimmy Floyd]

How many languages are you competent in now Jim?

English, French, Spanish, German in decreasing order of proficiency. I can read Italian and Portguese but can't produce them myself. I've started learning Russian as well, just to put the wind up my lazy Russian colleague.

I'm not native in any of them sadly. As Le Carre wrote of Toby Esterhase, 'He spoke no language perfectly, but he spoke them all' is the most useful skillset in my particular role.

[Manc]

Yas Queen.

[Yevrah]

Impressive stuff. How did you learn all these? Presumably not just from trips with the boss or taking them at GCSE level.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Last studied them at A level, so 18 years ago. I'd love to say I've worked hard at them since then, but to be honest it's just pure natural talent. We all have something we can just do easily, and that's mine.

Repetition helps, sending 30 odd emails a day at least in frog and spic.

[Kikó]

If it’s the first time it’s happened then it’s a bit jobsworth from you

Not really. You know if you're boozing at 5am that you're meant to be working later so better to just call in sick rather than have me chase after you. I'm not your dad, if you can't handle your personal time then you need to stop boozing during the office week.

[Mike]

We once had someone ring in sick because the wind had been bad in the night and kept her up blowing a fence.

My daughter is on the mend, no pox either. She did, rather kindly, pass whatever she had on to me. I feel dreadful.

[Lofty]

My brother in law watches everything with subtitles, apparently tv is being geared towards narrative stories due to people scrolling when watching so they don't lose track. I mocked my brother in law but he is immune to mockery unfortunately.

[Spikey M]

Have you tried holding up placards with the mockery written on them?

[randomlegend]

Have you tried holding up placards with the mockery written on them?

:D

[niko_cee]

:lol:

[Baz]

Someone asked to meet for my input into gambling harms work.
I replied saying sure but I've only ever attending one event for it, not much input to give.
She replied asking if a certain afternoon was good.
I said yeah I'm free except 1-2 as I've another meeting them.
Meeting invite received. 1pm. And she's called it an ambling catch up like we're going for a walk. :facepalm:

[Ben]

Either they didn't read or didn't process the word "except" - it's not that uncommon that I get a meeting request for the specific time I identified as me being unavailable.

[Baz]

Either they didn't read or didn't process the word "except" - it's not that uncommon that I get a meeting request for the specific time I identified as me being unavailable.

“I just have the commissioners meeting 1-2 on that afternoon, and don’t have the school run, so any other time is fine.”

[SvN]

She'll have just skimmed and seen 1-2pm. It has happened enough times for me to make sure I list times I'm free, rather than times I'm not.

[Mike]

I assume you’ll be bringing your pro gambling pictures of your kitchen, car and drive way to the meeting :lol:

[Baz]

I'm hoping my watch is back from servicing.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm currently in a classic shambles situation with my new role. I'm starting it on 2 January, but until just now I hadn't been told what the package was. I've now been told what the package is, and it's actually better than I thought it would be, so that's good news. What isn't good news is that the South Africans haven't signed off on it yet - because they only got round to sending it to them this morning, and the South Africans have all buggered off on holiday now - so they're going to announce me in the new role on 2 January without me having signed a contract or been given official paperwork for it.

Such a great company. I told my boss it was a shambles and he agreed, but we're all basically forced into going ahead with it. Having the announcement actually gives me more leverage in the event of things going wrong, so I'm quite happy for them to carry on with that, it's just funny how they can't get anything right ever.

[Boydy]

Not back till Monday but the dread is kicking in already. Knowing this is the last day of actual holiday is prompting it, I guess.

I'm not sure I can do another 30 years or so of this.

[Giggles]

I was actually glad to go back this week to kick off with a two dayer.

[Spikey M]

I've been back for 2 days but we've had major system issues so it's been about as soft a landing as could be.

[Shindig]

Yeah, we got a free hour when ours went down yesterday. The only thing that bothered me was how quiet the office was.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We have a new hire in, 29 so not really Gen Z. My boss wants rid of her already as she asked to work flexible hours on her first day and 'questioned his decision making'. I urged him to see how she settles in, but Jesus Christ, it seems impossible to hire anyone useful these days.

[Kikó]

Not back till Monday but the dread is kicking in already. Knowing this is the last day of actual holiday is prompting it, I guess.

I'm not sure I can do another 30 years or so of this.

Can't believe it's back again FFS, it's been barely a day. I'm basically going to have to use my holidays on paternity leave (Germany's is shit) but at least it means I'll be away again by April latest.

[Boydy]

We have a new hire in, 29 so not really Gen Z. My boss wants rid of her already as she asked to work flexible hours on her first day and 'questioned his decision making'. I urged him to see how she settles in, but Jesus Christ, it seems impossible to hire anyone useful these days.

Presumably they aren't paying well enough to get useful people.

[Giggles]

There are no useful people.

[Dquincy]

Not back till Monday but the dread is kicking in already. Knowing this is the last day of actual holiday is prompting it, I guess.

I'm not sure I can do another 30 years or so of this.
Is it the occupation you dread, or the company that you're in?

[Dquincy]

We have a new hire in, 29 so not really Gen Z. My boss wants rid of her already as she asked to work flexible hours on her first day and 'questioned his decision making'. I urged him to see how she settles in, but Jesus Christ, it seems impossible to hire anyone useful these days.
Gen Z staff do seem to have the most self entitlement compared to other generations. It can be infuriating.

[Boydy]

Is it the occupation you dread, or the company that you're in?

The company. Just the Americans in it at that, the local office is grand. But it's a very small company and we have too much interaction with them.

I was already looking before Christmas and will be looking again from next week (hopefully with a January uptick in hiring activity) but there's still a reasonable chance this company could take off so it might be worth sticking around despite the pain.

[mo]

Feeling the back to work dread. Haven’t even got a TD day on Monday to ease back in - just straight back into trying to remember how to teach. Scandalous.

[Dquincy]

It's mad how many people have this back to work anxiety (including me and I own part of the company).

[Magic]

I've started my new job and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I am the head of a new division (Network Services) with one member of staff (me) for a small CCTV/Fire/Security company lol. I am responsible for strategy, growth, profit & loss, recruitment, sales but more worryingly it also looks like I'm responsible for design, implementation, installation and support as well.

I am remote, the office is 100 miles away.

As far as I can make out, they think this is a great opportunity to make loads of money and want me to do it all for them. If it was that easy, I'd have just done it myself.

Please send help. I give it 6 months before I am fired or quit.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'd start with design and go from there.

[Magic]

I meant design of solutions. I'm kind of chicken and egging it here.

How am I supposed to sell without anything to sell? The best vision I currently have is to hop on the back of the other solutions and try and get involved in some way. Unfortunately Networks and associated services isn't box shifting it mostly is professional services and I don't have any professionals.

Might just fall back on reselling Telco services in the meantime as that's just contract based.

[Spikey M]

Sounds like you have all the power you need to pivot the whole company into an inclusive restaurant review company.

[Magic]

Sounds like you have all the power you need to pivot the whole company into an inclusive restaurant review company.

I guess I could just recruit a bunch of trans students for minimum wage and see where that goes.

[Magic]

But seriously...what do I do? Is there some sort of template I can follow? So far all I've done is Windows Updates, messed around with visuals in Windows 11 and argued with their IT company. It's been 3 hours. #productivity

[Spikey M]

My first step would be to sit down with your manager to try to get some kind of direction. A bit late in the day, but you're going nowhere without understanding what they actually want.

[Magic]

My manager is the owner, and he's very much just like 'go do your thing, be patient'.

He wants a profitable division by the end of the year. So that's about 300k worth of business @ 30% margin, on the basis I don't get to hire anyone.

I think I should just focus on actually creating a product/service, getting suppliers on board and scoping out good recruits rather than trying to sell anything at the moment.

[SvN]

Anyone who is capable of achieving what they're asking would be getting investment and starting up themselves.

[Spikey M]

Basically you've joined a sinking business and the owner has no idea how to turn it around so you're his magic Tragic bean.

[Magic]

Anyone who is capable of achieving what they're asking would be getting investment and starting up themselves.

Exactly. I mean, I probably am but it just doesn't interest me enough to slog it out.

[Magic]

Basically you've joined a sinking business and the owner has no idea how to turn it around so you're his magic Tragic bean.

Not at all, they've had amazing growth since they started up in 2020. Now employ 15 staff and turnover around £3m, admittedly 2 of that is from a single contract.

This is the guy's 3rd business and he's always been in this industry so he knows his stuff.

Maybe I'm overcomplicating it, this is only my second day after all.

[randomlegend]

Christ, and you lot have the audacity to go on about public sector incompetence.

[Magic]

Christ, and you lot have the audacity to go on about public sector incompetence.

Private sector is wild. It's basically all luck and being a cunt to succeed.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I was listening to a podcast about Bernie Ecclestone the other day. Been an absolute duplicitous cunt for 95 years and counting, but in so doing has made both himself, his family(s) and innumerable thousands of other people over many decades incredibly wealthy and enhanced the lives of many more with the sport he moulded.

Hero or villain? I tend towards the former. Sorry, civil servants.

[Magic]

I have the misfortune of speaking to many business owners in my profession, and without exception, they are all cunts.

[Manc]

I've applied for a position at MUFG. One step closer to leaving this shithole.

[Dquincy]

I have the misfortune of speaking to many business owners in my profession, and without exception, they are all cunts.

In your profession? It's your first day mate.

[Dquincy]

I've started my new job and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

I am the head of a new division (Network Services) with one member of staff (me) for a small CCTV/Fire/Security company lol. I am responsible for strategy, growth, profit & loss, recruitment, sales but more worryingly it also looks like I'm responsible for design, implementation, installation and support as well.

I am remote, the office is 100 miles away.

As far as I can make out, they think this is a great opportunity to make loads of money and want me to do it all for them. If it was that easy, I'd have just done it myself.

Please send help. I give it 6 months before I am fired or quit.

Just pepper the D&B fit out contractors with BD emails until they agree to meet you. Do the same with commercial tenants. Also get a list of extg clients to understand if the majority are from a certain sector. If there is a dominant sector, then reach to companies within the same sector with BD proposals.

[Kikó]

I've applied for a position at MUFG. One step closer to leaving this shithole.

What type of role?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had my promotion announced yesterday and some of the reactions were pretty funny. The Aussie (our perennial number one salesman) messaged from Brisbane or wherever he is with the words: 'Some title you've got there, but I always had you down as a silent achiever'. Erm, thanks? The boss (he of the former bungs and Spanish residency) sent me a one word message 'Congrats' and then phoned me and didn't mention it at all, which to be fair was funny as fuck, so fair play. Meanwhile the Arab, currently holed up in Riyadh, was slightly more effusive, texting me with the promise of 'a gift of your choice up to the value of £150' as congratulations. I told him that this would not be necessary and so avoided cringeing myself to death, but it was nice nonetheless to be subject to a LIV Golf style buyout attempt.

[Lofty]

The Arab :cool:

[Manc]

What type of role?

Ops.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just had an office debate about whether the moon landings were real. The 'yes they were real' side, led by me, lost the final vote 5-2.

The human race is finished.

[Lofty]

Which way did the Arab vote?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab is in Saudi but he probably thinks Mossad faked it.

[Magic]

Did you factor in the contrary troll vote?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Tell you what, my first two weeks of managing a team has opened my eyes a bit. All these people ever want to do is work from home or go off sick, fucking constantly. Managing is basically trying to make sure that they do those things one at a time where possible.

'Oh, the radiator's broken in my house, someone's coming to fix it, I need to work from home'. How about no?

I must be an absolute dream to manage.

[Yevrah]

When you get the right people management is really rewarding and I get a genuine kick out of it. When you don't (or more likely you inherit those that aren't), well, it's as you say.

[Giggles]

Nobody wants to work any more.

[Manc]

Did they ever?

[Pepe]

Wouldn't be me.

[Magic]

The owner of my new company said that today (if we didn't have to work we wouldn't) and it was quite refreshing to hear. Which is sad.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We wouldn't necessarily choose to work in a 'contractually obliged to do x' fashion, but once one is indeed contractually obliged to do x, one should do x rather than trying to get away with it constantly.

[Pepe]

I mean, we all only work because we need money, right? Why here has a job that they would do for free? Of course nobody WANTS to work.

[Pepe]

We wouldn't necessarily choose to work in a 'contractually obliged to do x' fashion, but once one is indeed contractually obliged to do x, one should do x rather than trying to get away with it constantly.

Agreed. Some people want to get paid but not hold their end of the bargain.

[Magic]

I mean, we all only work because we need money, right? Why here has a job that they would do for free? Of course nobody WANTS to work.

"But you'd be bored in the house!"

That's literally what these people think we'd do. Just sit around doing absolutely nothing like mindless idiots.

Oh wait...

[Giggles]

I mean, we all only work because we need money, right? Why here has a job that they would do for free? Of course nobody WANTS to work.

Yeah but once you're there then you need to be a professional and put the effort in.

[Spikey M]

I wouldn't work in the job I do now, but I would do something. Be it voluntary or just stocking shelves. My wifes grandad once said he didn't get old until he retired and I think he's probably right. Use it or lose it, as the saying goes.

[Pepe]

"But you'd be bored in the house!"

That's literally what these people think we'd do. Just sit around doing absolutely nothing like mindless idiots.

Oh wait...

Many would, but they would probably choose a different job to do, if money was not a constraint. Maybe.


Yeah but once you're there then you need to be a professional and put the effort in.

Agreed.

[Yevrah]

I wouldn't work in the job I do now, but I would do something. Be it voluntary or just stocking shelves. My wifes grandad once said he didn't get old until he retired and I think he's probably right. Use it or lose it, as the saying goes.

I had a few months off last year in between jobs and for a period of that I wasn't doing anything. It got boring very quickly, my sleep patterns were shot to shit, I could feel my brain bleeding out of my ears and I realised that work gives me both a purpose and a routine.

It made me realise that if I'm lucky enough to retire reasonably early (or win a lottery I don't really play) I am going to need to do something of a working nature in order to keep me functioning. Not sure what yet, but I know it's needed.

[Giggles]

I wouldn't work in the job I do now, but I would do something. Be it voluntary or just stocking shelves. My wifes grandad once said he didn't get old until he retired and I think he's probably right. Use it or lose it, as the saying goes.

My dream is to have (win) enough money that I could work in a hardware shop behind the counter. Or drive the Tesco delivery van.

[-james-]

People having no idea how to cultivate the time they spend not working is a huge societal failure. There are a million different things you can do that are enriching to your life and/or others, but obviously it's going to be hard to suddenly get into tapdancing when you've been down the mine for fifty years.

[Yevrah]

People having no idea how to cultivate the time they spend not working is a huge societal failure. There are a million different things you can do that are enriching to your life and/or others, but obviously it's going to be hard to suddenly get into tapdancing when you've been down the mine for fifty years.

I agree with the sentiment, but I think it's perhaps a different problem for me personally in that if I don't have a period of my day, week or month where I'm doing something that isn't just wholeheartedly enjoying myself I find the times where I am doing the latter less enjoyable. Weird, I know.

As it stands, I'm never bored in the free time I have and I enjoy almost every second of it and really want to keep that going. As Spikey suggested, volunteering may be the answer.

[Pepe]

When I had a few months off between jobs it was excellent. Rode my bike a ton, played football, read a bunch, played videogames, studied some French, improved my CFD skills. I would be very happy not working, but then I've been barely working for a while now (until recently) and have two kids, which can easily suck any free second.

[Magic]

I had a few months off last year in between jobs and for a period of that I wasn't doing anything. It got boring very quickly, my sleep patterns were shot to shit, I could feel my brain bleeding out of my ears and I realised that work gives me both a purpose and a routine.

It made me realise that if I'm lucky enough to retire reasonably early (or win a lottery I don't really play) I am going to need to do something of a working nature in order to keep me functioning. Not sure what yet, but I know it's needed.

I lost purpose after I was made redundant (in fact it had been lost for a while) and I totally get this.

It's not work I'm looking for but something to give me purpose. If I could get that without WORKING then I would.

But I need money to live.

[Mike]

If I didn't have to work I'd not miss it in the slightest and can't understand the notion "I'd do something" when meaning "going to work"

We once had a training thing at work where the chair of governors announced that we're all at school because we love it and nobody is there for the money, my "I'm here for the money and the 6 weeks off" didn't go down well.

[Foe]

In the same way as I hate it when corporate leaders describe the company you work for as “family”.

Pay me my salary. If I didn’t need that salary, I wouldn’t be here.

[Ben]

My retirement will hopefully allow me to get a workshop away from the house where I can build and fix shit.

[Pepe]

Don't forget to record yourself while fixing shit and to send the videos to Giggles.

[Lofty]

Yes I think if you have enough hobbies you don't need work for a purpose. It annoys me at work when you get some fannies bleating about needing more thanks for doing their job. My salary going into my bank every 4 weeks is all the thanks I need.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If I retired with shit tons of money, then obviously the world's your oyster. I'm not so sure about if I retired with just enough money. I think I'd end up going out picking up litter or something.

[Giggles]

If money was no object I'd be doing similar to Ben's idea. Big workshop with a little brewery in the corner.

[Lofty]

If I retired with shit tons of money, then obviously the world's your oyster. I'm not so sure about if I retired with just enough money. I think I'd end up going out picking up litter or something.

Writing prose and refining THE COMPUTER, between cricket engagements, obviously.

The other thing to bear in mind is there is loads of cheap shit aimed at pensioners. My mum retired she's busier than when she was at work, always out doing some coffee club or exercise class, crown green bowls or some gym program that costs a quid.

The main worry with retirement is affordability, but you just cut your cloth. My in laws are dithering about retiring despite nearly being 70 and fairly well off because my mother in law spends money like Brewster, always blowing a few grand on some shit she doesnt need and complaining about money afterwards. They were saying the other day their monthly household income would 'only' be £2600 when they retired, not bad for mortgage free and no real pension beyond standard to speak of.

[SvN]

My mum has been retired for about 10 years now and she spends more than when she was working - and that includes the fact that the mortgage is now paid off. She doesn't really have any hobbies other than mooching at shops and buying tat.

[Yevrah]

Yeah, to equate that to Lofty's example, you could blow through £2,600 between two of you, even with no mortgage, pretty damn easily.

[Spikey M]

My wife's parents are spending their retirement trying to complete every country walk in Essex. It's both free and probably more interesting than spaffing your life's work on Mark's and Spencers coffee and cardigans. Although they do a fair bit of that too.

[Magic]

Yeah, to equate that to Lofty's example, you could blow through £2,600 between two of you, even with no mortgage, pretty damn easily.

Of course, things still need replacing, transport etc

[Manc]

Not only have the Japs rejected to interview me, but when I've pressed for further feedback, they've refused to elaborate. "Not quite the right fit." Does this mean I'm not yellow enough?

[Pepe]

Yes, I can see how it might not be the right fit.

[Jimmy Floyd]

They mean it literally, they haven't got a headband in your size.

[randomlegend]

If I won the euromillions I'd still do my current job but go part time (60%).

I'd also buy a shop in Cambridge and make chocolates or bake stuff to sell, but only when I could arsed and not care if it lost loads of money.

[Pepe]

Look at him, leeching off the taxpayer even if he doesn't need the money.

I'll take some chocolates.

[randomlegend]

The tax payer more than gets their value out of me.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Doubt it, children don't pay tax. Leeching little fucks.

[randomlegend]

I'd imagine the parents would assign some value to them not being dead though.

[Shindig]

I'd travel more with the free time and the money. Life is for seeing things.

[Giggles]

Worst nightmare.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Gen Z guy at work (only 10 minutes late today, fair play) has just been explaining that he's subject to a life ban by Sony from Playstation and all its games/products, for 'trolling'. What? He was happy to tell us about this, but won't reveal any details. I had no idea this could happen.

[Spikey M]

I've only heard of that happening where people have hacked systems and leaked games that are in testing / development.

Potentially he made some kind of mod that was damaging for other players or something, too.

[Gray Fox]

The Gen Z guy at work (only 10 minutes late today, fair play) has just been explaining that he's subject to a life ban by Sony from Playstation and all its games/products, for 'trolling'. What? He was happy to tell us about this, but won't reveal any details. I had no idea this could happen.

This is either, he's used an exploit/glitch in a game to benefit from it/make other people lose or, this is the weird phenomenon of people losing games and deciding they need to message their opponent afterwards.

One of your big games is usually involved in this(CoD, FIFA, Online fighting game of choice). I'd bet on the latter. Now I'm not shit hot on FIFA, but even I would receive many messages from people after I had won telling me how shit I am, or how they actually deserved to win. To get a lifetime ban he must have done this a lot.

[Ben]

I think a lot of that generation would benefit from putting the controller down and going outside.

[Boydy]

I think a lot of that generation would benefit from putting the controller down and going outside.

Phones too.

[Spikey M]

Probably true for most of us, but yeah, the Zoomers have been uniquely fucked by modern technology.

Gen A will probably be a bit better off because parents are more awake to the pro's and cons. My kids are on their tablets / Switch less than I was on my PC and PlayStation as a kid.

[Magic]

How do you even enforce a ban like that?

[Spikey M]

How do you even enforce a ban like that?

With great difficulty. I imagine they ban the account and the IP address, but there's easy enough work arounds for that.

[Yevrah]

The Gen Z guy at work (only 10 minutes late today, fair play) has just been explaining that he's subject to a life ban by Sony from Playstation and all its games/products, for 'trolling'. What? He was happy to tell us about this, but won't reveal any details. I had no idea this could happen.

To get a life ban for 'trolling' he must have been sending pure hatred to people over DM. I'd mark his card as an unhinged and treat him accordingly going forward.

[Magic]

With great difficulty. I imagine they ban the account and the IP address, but there's easy enough work arounds for that.

Aye exactly. Then is it address based? But again probably easy to circumvent.

Imagine your job was to implement blocking people who are probably insufferable and think they are better than you. Eurgh.

[niko_cee]

Wasn't there a good steam exploit recently where you could get access to loads of stuff in the 'deleted' back catalog because they never actually removed the stuff from wherever it lives - like loads of limited edition items etc for spastics that pay fortunes for those sort of things [alongside beta/developer copies of games, games taken down for sale etc]? Pretty sure doing that only came with a 15/20 year ban so a life ban sounds a good effort. Congratulate him.

[Adramelch]

My place just renamed the HR department to Human Element department. I would have already started looking for a different job, but my manager also thinks it's stupid and it's just the parent company (which handles administration stuff for us too) that wants to look progressive or whatever the fuck that is.

[Spikey M]

This stuff almost always means a company has too many middle managers that are looking for shit to do to justify them being there.

[Ben]

I've been asked to go and be an Assessor (capital a) for a whole week next month, whittling down 50 potential graduates to 20.

I imagine these events are tremendous fun.

[niko_cee]

My place just renamed the HR department to Human Element department. I would have already started looking for a different job, but my manager also thinks it's stupid and it's just the parent company (which handles administration stuff for us too) that wants to look progressive or whatever the fuck that is.

My favourite is 'talent acquisition'. Very brothely.

Since when are lawyers referred to as 'the talent'?

[Magic]

My place just renamed the HR department to Human Element department. I would have already started looking for a different job, but my manager also thinks it's stupid and it's just the parent company (which handles administration stuff for us too) that wants to look progressive or whatever the fuck that is.

:D

I love stuff like this. Like when OVO called mass redundancies after buying the SSE retail arm "harmonisation".

[Magic]

My favourite is 'talent acquisition'. Very brothely.

Since when are lawyers referred to as 'the talent'?

"New customer acquisition". So sales, then.

[Spikey M]

We don't have customer services, we have customer ambassadors.

[Magic]

Costumer success is another one.

So you mean what I've bought I didn't understand, is going to be shit or won't work for what I need? Great.

[Foe]

HR = people and culture.

Right then.

So outsourcing to India. I guess that’s our culture now then?

[randomlegend]

Costumer success is another one.

So you mean what I've bought I didn't understand, is going to be shit or won't work for what I need? Great.

Costumer success sounds like a consultancy firm for fancy dress parties.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Sorry to say that Gen Z got a second warning yesterday for walking under a working forklift with his headphones in, and just hasn't turned up today. Goodnight sweet prince.

I feel a bit sorry for him (and for the thousands like him) as he clearly is fundamentally not capable of being in a work environment, even though he's more than capable of doing the job and even progressing.

[Lofty]

Are you now the youngest member of staff?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I think I might actually be. All the people I manage are older than me.

The Arab is about the same as me actually, not sure who edges it. He's been threatening to buy me a watch to celebrate my promotion. I've informed him that this would be the most inappropriate and cringeworthy thing imaginable, and also that I don't wear watches, but this hasn't deterred him yet.

[niko_cee]

I am told by my elite watch wearing acquaintances that the Arabs are funny about watches, in that they have a tradition whereby you essentially swap watches, I think the patter is "may I take a look at your watch" and then you never see it again. Can usually work pretty well if you are dealing with a Sheikh apparently, but you have to be mindful. Don't think I'd get away with bowling in with my miami blue F-91, but I think you can watch up if you have some sort of low tier fancy watch. This may be entirely apocryphal as it's second hand off a super rich dude, who kick started his fortune by being gifted a 747 by a Saudi, apparently.

[Lofty]

Never pegged Jim as a watchless neanderthal to be honest.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm a very utilitarian person. Almost no interest in style whatsoever beyond keeping up basic appearances (any further and you end up dressing like Dominic Cummings). Substance only.

[Magic]

So my plan to bring my engineers across and keep my customers is kind of falling apart.

The previously full-time 67 year old now wants 2 days per week and my other full-time 60 year old is interviewing elsewhere.

L.O.L.

[Lofty]

I'm a very utilitarian person. Almost no interest in style whatsoever beyond keeping up basic appearances (any further and you end up dressing like Dominic Cummings). Substance only.

Exactly why the £20 Casio design classic digital watch persists.

[Pepe]

That one is as much of an accessory as the others, just for the 'look how little I care' crowd.

[Jimmy Floyd]

You can mostly tell the time by looking at the sun / the slightly lighter part of the grey English sky blocking the sun. Any precision required look at your phone. No one needs a watch.

[Pepe]

Are you a tan trousers, button down shirt, navy jumper every day type?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Wouldn't be seen dead in tan trousers (black or navy), but otherwise, yes.

[Pepe]

Ah yes. Love for 'khakis' is more of an American thing.

At this point, anyone not wearing polyester polos all day is good in my book.

[Magic]

Love my tan troos.

[Foe]

You can mostly tell the time by looking at the sun / the slightly lighter part of the grey English sky blocking the sun. Any precision required look at your phone. No one needs a watch.

Alright Kramer.

[Pepe]

Maybe that's what the Gen Z lad does, which is why he is consistently late. Can't expect him to be more accurate than within the hour.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Kramer was Gen Z before Gen Z were even born. I'm more like 50% George, 50% J. Peterman.

[Pepe]

Not dressed like that.

[Manc]

The pricier the watch, the smaller the cock.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Baz taking shots.

[Ben]

Our HR department has rebranded as People Operations. :harold:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm old enough to remember when everything was rebranded from Personnel (but sir, that's for assholes) to HR. Funny how that didn't seem to do the trick.

[Luke Emia]

My missus has had an issue come up at work and HR or 'People Services' as the National Trust call them have been fucking useless. Constantly referring her back to the manager who has created the issue in the first instance rather than wanting to resolve the issue. Which has ended up with her filing a grievance/complaint, if they had gotten involved in the first place and put the manager in their place this would never have happened but they almost always seem to have no interest in getting involved in these processes for which they are fucking paid.

[Jimmy Floyd]

You only end up working in HR in the first place if you're a useless coward with no interest in achieving anything in your life, so there's no reason to expect anything different.

[Luke Emia]

As an aside to that I have also bollocked into my missus for not joining the union which I told her to do when she first started working there. If she had done none of this would have happened in the first place because the union would have just lolled her manager out of the building with what she is trying to do.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Our company's been fucked since this morning with the entire IT system down, which basically means we can't do any business at all. Second time it's happened this month. The IT head (the Arab's brother) last promised an update at 10.30 but appears now to have gone into hiding. He should probably be sacked for how shit and costly our system failures are, but they know if he goes then the Arab and the Arab's dad will respond emotionally (like Arabs do) and walk too, which they can't afford, so shit IT is pretty much baked into our future.

I suggested (somewhat tongue in cheek) that given we have been down for 10 business hours this month, the sales budgets should be adjusted down commensurately. The MD looked at me as if I was some kind of demon. Can't have accountability for anyone other than sales, obviously, that wouldn't be fair.

[Luke Emia]

Jim you are in management now. Just tell the sales team to sell harder.

[Yevrah]

Ah, not wanting to upset someone utterly useless in a business for fear of the wider consequences it may have.

One of my personal faves that.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We're still off now so it's a full day of business lost. I have 19 unfulfilled orders and 56 enquiries unanswered, and that's just me, there are 15 others sales people. Almost past the point of annoyance now and towards self-schadenfreude. I saw the clown wandering around with a milkshake at lunchtime as well. There should be a hard no-milkshakes policy for anyone responsible for a catastrophic business disaster.

[Pepe]

The Arabs. :cool:

Can't you take the orders by hand or something?

[Jimmy Floyd]

We managed to get about 3 small orders out by searching through the paper archives for old files from 5 years ago (which is when we stopped keeping paper archives) which told us what the warehouse locations of certain items were in those days, we've seen if any of those items tally with what's been ordered today and then hoped that they are still being kept in the same warehouse locations, which in most cases they aren't.

Kind of like being in a Soviet republic, but without the reassurance that the Party will house you for life.

[Pepe]

Remind me where Arab Senior's power come from. Is he a salesman with tons of Arab clients?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab's dad controls the markets of Egypt, Algeria and Morocco, which are probably 3 of our 8 biggest markets (especially Egypt and Algeria), and over there business is done entirely on personal loyalty and backhanders rather than any kind of rationale or logic. For instance, our biggest customer in Egypt buys from us despite getting better prices from our competitors, because the Arab's dad did him a favour / laundered some money for him 20 years ago. So if he left for one of our competitors and told his loyal customers to go with him, they would.

This results in comical scenarios like when a couple of years ago the South Africans tried to tamper with his contract to make it more company-friendly, he told them to fuck off, and needless to say his contract remains as was to this day.

Same for the Arab himself in Iraq, UAE and to a lesser extent in Saudi, which are also important markets.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Time to have a pop at IT again.

Thank you for contacting us, my name is [name of bloke I've known for 7 years] and it will be my pleasure to assist you.

The severity of ticket has been set to: Triage

If you would like to speak to me directly, please feel free to reach out at any time.

He might as well have set the ticket severity to Mustard, or Diplodocus.

[Pepe]

:harold:

They are donning you. Time to stroll in and crack some skulls.

[Pepe]

When I first started here I had issues accessing most of the stuff I needed because the system thought I didn't have the correct authorization. Contacted IT and some Indian don fixed it in about three minutes. Then a few weeks later it happened again and it took three weeks and like ten people at increasing levels of the hierarchy to get involved for it to be resolved.

[Ben]

Our company has a massive divide in IT still. When you’re actually working on a functioning construction site, you just walk into the IT office (or at worst pick up the phone) and it’s sorted there and then.

Head office has the classic corporate ticketing bullshit.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This went out to all staff about 20 minutes after my (correctly submitted) ticket:


Dear All

All issues reported to IT must be done through a ticket.

A ticket must include the following:

1. Screenshot of the error
2. A description of the error
3. How long the error has persisted.

Any ticket without those requirements will be immediately closed.

Teams or Phone are not an appropriate ways to report system issues and outages and will not be actioned.

These cunts just can't stand the idea of having to do anything not conceived in a meeting 2 months ago. Time for direct action / terrorism.

[Magic]

Our company has a massive divide in IT still. When you’re actually working on a functioning construction site, you just walk into the IT office (or at worst pick up the phone) and it’s sorted there and then.

Head office has the classic corporate ticketing bullshit.

They need to do reports on metrics so they can see how many they can lay off without imploding the company.

[wullie]

I'm right on board with the screenshot thing, and if it comes in the form of a jpg pasted into a Word doc they should be immediately fired.

[Shindig]

We had something like that recently. Taking a screenshot of a PDF, pasting it in a Word doc and then forwarding that to head office to be scanned. I see that and think, "Girls, just select Print to PDF and pick the page you're after."

[igor_balis]

Giggles you'll be delighted to hear that my employers dropped the bombshell today, powerman 5000 style, and have advised that the entire organisation will be moving towards ending hybrid working arrangements.

We are hoping our department will get some sort of exception, as we do bullshit hours, but I doubt it. I am one of the exceptions that proves the rule cus my performance is (and has reluctantly been confirmed by management as such) slightly better at home than in the office, but sadly as much as I take the piss out of G's hobbyhorseism about WFH, it's absolutely the case that a solid majority of my colleagues are lazy bastards at home so it was always inevitable.

[Shindig]

Aye, I have to admit Giggles was right on that one.

[igor_balis]

Aye, I have to admit Giggles was right on that one.

My objection was never that Giggles said WFH was bad, more the way he said that literally every single person who WsFh is a workshy lazy bastard who does literally nothing, I think it works with certain people/industries/contexts, but if people are already lazy and the systems allow them to be lazy, then they will absolutely take the piss with it.

It's like Souness and Pogba, he's fundamentally right but...

[Shindig]

Yeah, he overestimates how many people will skive. In our case, it was made very easy by a lack of timekeeping software/timesheets at the new office. Even then, we had very few piss takers.

[Lofty]

Ours is the other way round, all our work is deadline based so if you fuck up that by not doing your work then you are out. Can't really sit about doing nothing. Yesterday I did 10 hours grinding out a full plan to get it finished: I never did 10 hours going into the office, I would have spent the best part of 2 hours commuting there and back.

Ironically the biggest fuck up in living memory at our spot has just been overseen by the guys on the other part of our team that rarely WFH :D

[Shindig]

I spent all yesterday morning (and Tuesday afternoon) unpicking an eight-month catastrophe. Took about 8 hours, half of which was just getting the info I could feed back to the surgery. It's more of a team effort than a couple of idiots. DWP, the old company, the new one and some ... astonishing human error from a couple of my colleagues.

I'm hoping that's the end of it but I'm certain this will happen again. :D

[Giggles]

I preferred the abuse, it sits better with me.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My boss has forced me to go to one of those think-wank events today called something like 'Wanking and Growth: AI and Delivery in a Strategic Wank Sock'. Local bigwigs and that. Want to shoot him in the face.

[Magic]

I'm still in bed.

[Jimmy Floyd]

God this was so shit. Like some kind of bad dream. LinkedIn Live. It's all just people saying words.

Vision.

Partnerships.

There we are, I'm a business expert. Give me a book deal.

We were asked what would happen if our business disappeared. I said 'Our customers would be ripped off by the competition.' He almost gasped. 'So frank! I love that level of frankness.' This is all in a Canadian accent, obviously. Send me to Switzerland, Dignitas calls.

[Magic]

Very boot licky reply that, Jim. Gross.

EDIT: Unless it was extreme sarcasm that went unnoticed.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Also, they just kept saying AI. Constantly. What does it even mean? It doesn't mean anything. 'AI tools'. What does that look like? What is one? I don't have any.

[Lofty]

I have a full day of it in Huddersfield on Monday and it's irked me no end.

[Pepe]

Not very synergistic of you, Jim.

[Manc]

I have a full day of it in Huddersfield on Monday and it's irked me no end.

My condolences.

[Kikó]

Also, they just kept saying AI. Constantly. What does it even mean? It doesn't mean anything. 'AI tools'. What does that look like? What is one? I don't have any.

It means everything that has a bit of code in it.

[Pepe]

That's the business people whenever they have to talk about anything technical tbh.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've got involved in some warfare involving the Arab recently. We hired an Algerian young lady (I sound like a perve using that phrase, but it's a fact) to bolster the team and add some extra languages, she speaks Turkish as well as Arabic and French. I'm her manager, but most of her work is for the Arab, an arrangement that was made deliberately so that he didn't end up with any line management responsibilities. This was borne out within a fortnight, as he declared her 'too ambitious' and refused to give her any more work to do. He caught her outside and told her: 'I've already asked for one assistant - that's you. Don't make me ask for another one.'

She reported this (and his general carry-on) to me, and me in turn to the director, who sort of shrugged. I asked what the Arab would have to do to incur disciplinary measures. He shrugged again. £1 million of business in Iraq > any behavioural issues. So there we are. I had to go and sweet talk the Arab (who still loves me) to get him to start sending her work again.

Now the Arab's super-illness which he brought back from Kurdistan has taken out basically the whole office. We had five out today and I'm now shivering under a duvet writing this because I'm too feverish to fall asleep. He refused to go and see a doctor with his mega-severe version of it because 'doesn't trust UK medicine' (i.e. he's a stupid conspiracy theorist).

It will come to a sticky end for him, the question is how.

[Pepe]

I wouldn't pick up that fight unless you fancy going back to Korea.

What did you choose as your gift?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I chose for him not to get me a gift, so he got me a $100 bottle of cologne. He then complained when I wasn't wearing it the next day. I'll probably put it in a raffle for the cricket club.

[Boydy]

Oh cool, he's brought MERS25 into the country.

[Giggles]

'young Algerian lady' would sound way less pervy.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Does sort of invite 'It's a man actually, Derek' the way I wrote it.

[Shindig]

I think The Arab wants to shag you and won't take no for an answer.

[mo]

Decided today that I may have to resign my Head of Year position. The demands are excessive for the time and remuneration and through line management it has become clear that the Head is not interested in hearing it. So I've written a letter to outline the issues in detail, welcoming the opportunity to meet and hear how the points will be addressed, or else to take it as my resignation of that post.

I fully expect him to 'call my bluff' and just accept my resignation, and I'm ok with that. I will happily go back to being full time in the classroom. The workload isn't less that way, per se, but it is different and nowhere near as demanding or high stakes. For the 3.5 hrs a week I get to do the HoY role, I'll likely pick up a Y7, Y8 class and maybe get another hour at A-Level. I can live with that.

[Baz]

I’ve been asked to go into the basement of the building where my old office used to be, cos there’s some cabinets with paperwork in that belonged to the woman who did my job before I started. Turns out they say ‘to destroy in 2022’ and the retention policy is 7 years, so they’re from 3 years before I started.

I had to visit the room they’re in a few weeks ago where they three people pointed out the 15 locked cabinets (there are actually 13) and I confirmed they were indeed cabinets and the paper stuck to them said the paperwork inside can be destroyed. The service they apparently related to has been outsourced since 2017 and everything is now stored digitally.

I was told it was my job to open the cabinets, move whatever’s inside them into boxes, then arrange for confidential waste to collect and destroy them.

This has all taken place over the course of a month. Begrudgingly I ordered 30 boxes and am currently waiting outside the buildings main doors for someone to let me in.

I’ve been reliably informed that all basement rooms have a rat problem. Great!

[phonics]

"My job is asking me to do work"

[Baz]

"My job is asking me to do work"
I make spreadsheets, not empty old rat infested cabinets.

[Shindig]

Admin covers a variety of tasks.

[Baz]

I’m not admin. :dc:

[Manc]

Ratman.

[-james-]

Ratmin

[Jimmy Floyd]

The old man (who used to pay me bungs) has finally been SACKED this morning, because we found out (at the age of 75) he's just started a new contract with an Italian company.

Now I have to compete with him in the market.

[Yevrah]

I must have missed the bungs part. What form did they take?

[Jimmy Floyd]

He used to give me, under the table, £100-200 out of his commission at the end of the month, to recognise the fact that I was doing pretty much all his work for him. I don't think there was anything technically wrong with it, as it was his money to do with as he pleased, but it did feel incredibly seedy.

[Yevrah]

He did have a heart then. Sort of fair play to him.

[Pepe]

Now I have to compete with him in the market.

Good luck. Make sure to double lock your door every night.

[Shindig]

I hope he's got an alternative universe Jimmy translating for him on every deal.

[Giggles]

Up the ladder for Jimmy, and I'm glad to see it.

[Pepe]

1898864646767235578

[Jimmy Floyd]

One of the lads in our product development team (Ukrainian) just got the boot after it was discovered he was taking pictures of parts in our warehouse and then offering them for sale on his own website.

How stupid do you have to be?

[Baz]

Depends how long he’s been doing it?

[Pepe]

Yeah, I need to know how much he made before choosing the right smiley. Have to appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit, at least.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The website started in February, so about five minutes.

[Ben]

Pepe you'll be looking for this: :lol:

[Pepe]

Did you catch him?

[niko_cee]

I'm struggling to understand this, was he just nicking the parts from the warehouse that were then being sold on through his website?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Turns out it's not even the funniest thing to happen at the company today. They got in some South African builders (I know) because the South African finance director was concerned that the upstairs kitchen was too large and the space could be better used making his office bigger. So the builders have come in, managed to drill through the plumbing, and now both the Arab's and the Russian's offices have been flooded by cascades of brown water from the ceiling.

Not a metaphor for anything, not at all.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm struggling to understand this, was he just nicking the parts from the warehouse that were then being sold on through his website?

Presumably this was the caper, not sure it got as far as actually coming to pass before IT nicked him. Either that or he was going to use his knowledge of our suppliers to buy the stuff himself and just use our bits as marketing fluff.

[Shindig]

Are you working in a sitcom? Is there a wall missing in your office where a studio audience might be?

[Manc]

You couldn't make it up.

[Pepe]

Pepe you'll be looking for this: :lol:

I was planning :harold:

[Baz]

I was disappointed to not be attending the Harm Reduction International (https://hri.global/conferences/harm-reduction-international/) Conference in Bogota, Colombia this week. But I've just clocked it's 18 degrees there and 25 here, so lol.

Might push for a 2027 ticket, regardless of where it's at.

[Jimmy Floyd]

When I was in Bogota, my man told me that it's always the same climate there, regardless of season. Blew my tiny British mind.

[Pepe]

Mexico City is the same.

[Spikey M]

I'm told the Canaries is the same, but I went once and it was 18c and cloudy all week. So now I trust nobody.