The All New Jobs Thread

[Don]

Men's mental health is no joke, kids.

[randomlegend]

Everyone talks about mental health and is AWARE of it. But if you actually need help, there's none fucking there.

Also what Magic said.

Especially for kids.

The state of CAMHs services in this country is a disgrace. It should be daily headline news.

[Dark Soldier]

We have a repeat caller who is absolutely convinced all their organs have been removed and everyone from their landlord through to the PM is in on the conspiracy. They are both simultaneously in a coma but awake apparently.

Every call lasts about two hours, you can't saw anything as they talk over you. They're pleasant with it and we don't want to block communication as we may be their only outlet.

That's one of many, many others. I've had them twice this week.

[Spikey M]

Everyone talks about mental health and is AWARE of it. But if you actually need help, there's none fucking there.

Also what Magic said.

It should be pointed out that this is nothing new. After my mum died I struggled big time. I was alone at 22, no mum, no dad, no siblings, with a stepdad I never got on particularly well with. So I reached out for some help and was referred for counselling. The appointment came through for 6 months later. This was then cancelled and moved on a further 3 months. I cancelled that one and just muddled my way through in the end.

I also remember the BBC doing a documentary about mental health and there was a guy on there that wanted to be sectioned because he was suicidal and he was told that he won't be until he's actually tried something, so he promptly took himself off to the top of a tower block. That was long before Covid. I dread to think how bad it is now if you're struggling.

[Baz]

If any of you lads ever need to speak to a Mental Health First Aider, they’ve stopped paying me for it so I’ve deleted the Stay Alive app and have got rid of my green MHFA lanyard.

[Don]

:rasta:

[randomlegend]

I also remember the BBC doing a documentary about mental health and there was a guy on there that wanted to be sectioned because he was suicidal and he was told that he won't be until he's actually tried something, so he promptly took himself off to the top of a tower block. That was long before Covid. I dread to think how bad it is now if you're struggling.

I know of children who've made suicide attempts significant enough to land them in ITU who have subsequently been told by mental health services that there are no resources available to offer them any support of any kind.

[Dark Soldier]

Yep my dad tried to kill himself end of last year, which I vaguely mentioned here. He has been given six sessions of therapy which the last one is next week and has been told that's your lot we're too busy, give a fuck if you're feeling better or not.

He only got those through his doctor working his cunt off to get them for him.

[Yevrah]

Possibly, but I think Custard has hit the nail on the head. Absolutely everything is shit at the moment and people are at breaking point, so minor inconveniences are being catastrophised and people are kicking off over shit that would have been an eyeroll and a whispered "ffs" a short while ago.

Yeah, and I agree with that, but we're encouraging people to view mental health as some sort of spectrum with themselves on it and I don't think that's useful for people who have nothing actually wrong with them and not helpful for the people who do. Life is shitter than it was on the whole, there's no doubt about that, but encouraging people to fall into the trap of thinking they have mental health issues, when being down/frustrated etc. (which is just a normal human reaction to things being shit) is making the problem worse.

[Yevrah]

It's compounded in the UK by everything being absolutely fucking shit.

Yeah, that's not a mental health problem. It's having a shit life and being worried/stressed/annoyed by it, which as above, is perfectly normal. The onus should be on those in power to fucking sort it and not on Mr. Smith to 'check his mental health'. I mean, in that scenario, what the fuck does that even mean?

[Boydy]

It's the individualisation of the problems of capitalism. Things are going to shit? That's your fault, check your mental health, develop a positive mental attitude. All while the people in power go "lol no, we're not going to fix anything" and their mates make out like fucking bandits.

[Yevrah]

It's the individualisation of the problems of capitalism. Things are going to shit? That's your fault, check your mental health, develop a positive mental attitude. All while the people in power go "lol no, we're not going to fix anything" and their mates make out like fucking bandits.

Well 'we' shouldn't be falling into it like the sheep we are - it should be abundantly clear that it's absolute nonsense and that there is no way to put a positive spin on your mortgage going up by £500 a month and food prices more than doubling* since the pandemic/that absolute shitshow we're supporting in Ukraine. I generally like capitalism, but every mechanism to govern can reach the stage where it's taking the piss and it's up to the electorate to not swallow the shit we're pedalled. Instead, we're all wanking each other off about mental heath awareness and developing a new found love for a country most would have characterised as an Eastern European shithole before Putin invaded.

*I don't actually know that they have, but they must have done by now, right?

[Lewis]

There are lots of surveys out there that correlate having Mental Health with how white and affluent and left-wing you are, so you could blame capitalism in a roundabout way.

[Gray Fox]

*I don't actually know that they have, but they must have done by now, right?

I wouldn't say doubled but it has gone up substantially.

The supermarkets will be the next ones in the firing line. Your fuel and even energy bills are starting to come down now, while inflation has come down to around 8.2%

Still high, but it coming down suggests prices for items should not still be increasing, which they are. I'm sure they'll blame supply issues, but they're losing reasons to hide behind now.

[Raoul Duke]

It's the individualisation of the problems of capitalism. Things are going to shit? That's your fault, check your mental health, develop a positive mental attitude. All while the people in power go "lol no, we're not going to fix anything" and their mates make out like fucking bandits.

Same for climate change/environment. I've got to recycle my yoghurt pots but some sewage company can take a massive shit into the river or a Chinese factory can burn half a rainforest every 8 minutes and people aren't whipping out the guillotines

[Spikey M]

There are lots of surveys out there that correlate having Mental Health with how white and affluent and left-wing you are, so you could blame capitalism in a roundabout way.

I would take that data with a pinch of salt. For the left having a mental health issue is fashionable, for the right it would be deeply shameful, and that will skew any stats heavily. Harold and The Saint were both Right Wing and both were heavily tapped upstairs, but they never would have said so.

[Kikó]

]


I know of children who've made suicide attempts significant enough to land them in ITU who have subsequently been told by mental health services that there are no resources available to offer them any support of any kind.

But if you wanted to be a different gender they will change it in a second 😡😡😡

[Shindig]

I think it's the lockdown and Magic's suggestion that everything is shit. I've seen plenty paperwork to suggest some claimants are still in lockdown mode. And I wouldn't go so far as to brush it off as just life. The pandemic was two years of disruption followed by the economic fallout that we're all living in. It's a once in a lifetime thing on a once in a lifetime scale.

[Spikey M]

Once in a life time... so far. :uhoh:

[Shindig]

That very much depends on China keeping their labs tight, I know.

[Boydy]

I wouldn't say doubled but it has gone up substantially.

The supermarkets will be the next ones in the firing line. Your fuel and even energy bills are starting to come down now, while inflation has come down to around 8.2%

Still high, but it coming down suggests prices for items should not still be increasing, which they are. I'm sure they'll blame supply issues, but they're losing reasons to hide behind now.

Inflation coming down slightly just means prices aren't rising quite as fast. They're still rising.

And energy bills aren't really coming down either. The cap came down a bit so they can't charge as much but the government support also ended so you'll be paying about the same amount.

And with inflation still being persistent, interest rates are likely going to go up again which mortgage providers are already pricing in so people's mortgages are going to go up (as will people's rents because the landlords will pass that on).

[Boydy]

Same for climate change/environment. I've got to recycle my yoghurt pots but some sewage company can take a massive shit into the river or a Chinese factory can burn half a rainforest every 8 minutes and people aren't whipping out the guillotines

Maybe we should start whipping out the guillotines.

[Giggles]

Maybe we should focus on real problems and bury climate in the bin where it belongs.

[phonics]

Nothing will ever confuse me more than Giggles triple masking up for years and being a climate change denier.

[Pepe]

Nothing will ever confuse me more than Giggles triple masking up for years and being a climate change denier.

One was an overblown but legitimate concern.

[Spikey M]

We set the swimming pool today, so I would appreciate global warming stepping up to the plate some time soon.

[Foe]

Had a very cryptic meeting with my new boss’ boss who runs the area I work for. He’s only about 3 or 4 months in role (2 levels above me which is on mega money) and was doing a bit of digging into my background and ambitions.

Encouraging as he seems to think I’ve got a bright future if I want it and need to work out where I want to end up.

Sitting on the sofa watching football didn’t seem a smart answer so I left it open ended. The work/life/stress balance at the top seems mad so not sure I’d ever actually want that. I’d drop dead from a heart attack before I’d hit 50.

[Lofty]

That is the problem at my spot, aside from a few plum roles the next bracket of jobs worth considering for the pay jump are full of people who've aged 10 years in 18 months due to all the shit.

[Ian]

I've had a few options to try and progress in a couple.of jobs that I've meh'd out of because I just don't want the life the people already doing it seem to have.

I'm aiming for a sweet spot of more money but minimal hassle.

Why earn money for its own sake if you're hacked off. One day you'll be just as dead.

[Shindig]

I prefer to hit the overtime (if it's available) to just bump my pay. Easier to do since the switch to hybrid working as I can get the same amount of work out in half the time at home. Staying where I'm at keeps things piss easy.

[phonics]

Im so happy at my new low expectations job I have to assume I’ll find a way to hate it soon enough.

[Offshore Toon]

The sweet spot is becoming an SME in whatever capacity. As soon as you have to manage anybody, stress levels shoot up.

The perfect scenario is also having a manager that isn't sure what you do, which I've had once before and it was great.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm currently heading towards a role where I'm managing things but not people. The dream.

[Lewis]

The sweet spot is becoming an SME in whatever capacity. As soon as you have to manage anybody, stress levels shoot up.

The perfect scenario is also having a manager that isn't sure what you do, which I've had once before and it was great.

I am in this situation and it is almost good enough to make up for being severely underpaid.

[Lofty]

Technically I manage and produce data, but it doesn't get me out of any bullshit work management courses. That said I have swerved the mental health one for 2 years now, purely on principle as it was originally voluntary and then the instigator must have got high on their own new found authority and labelled it 'compulsory'.

I have also managed to swerve some leadership conferenced with deftly placed holidays, I think I have been in the office maybe once this year. Thankfully the company seem fully comitted to this as the relocated one of the offices to new premises recently that physically couldn't accomodate all the staff who are based there.

[Magic]

Managing partners in wholesale is great. You take all the credit when they do it well and blame them entirely when it goes horribly wrong.

[Ben]

The perfect scenario is also having a manager that isn't sure what you do, which I've had once before and it was great.

This is me basically. Sometimes it gets ridiculous with me being the one and only soldier in the department but otherwise it's great not having to deal with anyone else and a manager who (rightly) stays well clear.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The old boy I went to South America with is now touring Central America. He's sent a report from Guatemala which included this sentence on a particular customer:


He recently lost his two month old son after high doctor’s and hospital fees, which has depleted his working capital

Might send this into the high performance podcast as an example of #elite #outlook.

[Baz]

I’ve been off this week cos it’s half term, and it’s been rubbish. Nice weather, no emails, but constant kids. :panda:

[Lewis]

The new boss tried to explain to me why we (my role, but also the people under it) get paid less than the people doing the same jobs in other departments today, and why they won't contemplate any objective assessment of what we do against the grading guidance. I told them in a roundabout way that of their reasons were crap, and the discussion ended with them trying to stare me out and waiting for me to leave the table. I sat there for a good thirty seconds, so they started the conversation all over again, and then complained that we were 'going round in circles'.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Our MD is currently on a baffling but quite entertaining crusade against hot food. He's already sent packing the food van which used to park out the back and sell sausage rolls to the warehouse staff. Now he's ordered that the microwaves are to be removed from the kitchens. He just delivered a five-minute rant about how you shouldn't be eating hot food at lunchtime and everyone needs to go back to sandwiches.

Absolutely no idea why, but it doesn't affect me so lol.

[Lofty]

Just bring in a pot noodle. Check mate, old man.

[igor_balis]

had an interview today, think I nailed it. pity I'm much better at interviews than doing actual work but that's a them problem I suppose.

[Baz]

had an interview today, think I nailed it. pity I'm much better at interviews than doing actual work but that's a them problem I suppose.

Did you get it?


Big day for me tomorrow. Doing five interviews with hopeful applicants. Any dos and donts? It’s on teams so can’t just employ the one who smells best. :thbdn: There’s three of us on the panel and we have 2 questions each lined up (ChatGPT to the rescue) but HR have thrown a spanner in the works saying we must ask about gaps in employment. Tbh I’ve not had chance to check if any of them have gaps, but I presume so. Will badge that on at the end, I guess.

[Offshore Toon]

Save the selfies for after the interview.

[Baz]

45 minute time slot each, and the first one took 14 minutes. :stamford:

[Baz]

Quite the mix! Jewellery shop salesperson followed by an African GP. :cab:

[Boydy]

What the fuck is the job if you're shortlisting both of those as suitable candidates?

[Pepe]

Sexual assault champion.

[Ian]

What the fuck is the job if you're shortlisting both of those as suitable candidates?

Presumably something entry level.

[Kikó]

Kinky.

[Offshore Toon]

At least it's easy to figure out which one would smell the best.

[Giggles]

What the fuck is the job if you're shortlisting both of those as suitable candidates?

In fairness, Baz is hiring. Probably for role of office juggler or something.

[Baz]

What the fuck is the job if you're shortlisting both of those as suitable candidates?
Something well below a GP but it’s forriners wanting to work for two years and become Public Health Registrars.

The final one today was extremely lovely, but clearly got a bit flustered and hasn’t scored great. Experience working in Sri Lankan army camps, dispensing medicines. Meanwhile an earlier one has never had a job and all her examples were around uni work and societies, but somehow scored far higher. The scoring is clearly flawed but hey that’s HR for you.

[Lofty]

All interviews are wank and your interview master will fuck you over come the crunch. My team made that mistake, hired one who was amazing in the interview but completely incapable of doing the work. She started recording all conversations in her notebook so acrimonious tribunal was her exit.

[Shindig]

Uni lass will get it because she's cheaper to hire, probably.

[Spikey M]

Entry level Civil Service jobs are usually a set wage anyway. I'd take the doctor. You know they have a brain and you know you have them for 2 years.

[SvN]

Hiring is impossible. Anyone can blag an interview, and any sort of "test" you give a candidate for a skilled role rarely reveals how they'd adapt to your own working methods.

I've just counted, and I've hired 12 people since I took over the business in 2016. Out of those:


5 were excellent and show that a brilliant judge of character I am.
2 were absolute chancers that didn't last more than a month
3 were retards who I gave the benefit of the doubt for a while, but got the boot after 6-12 months.
1 was "fine"- not as good as she interviewed, but passable. But I was secretly delighted when she handed in her notice
1 has only been here 3 months and seems alright, but the jury is still out

[Jimmy Floyd]

Barney's gone on his first ever sales trip this week, to the only market he has been trusted with, Northern Ireland. Day 1 and day 2 seemed to go fine. Day 3, it was time to visit our biggest customer in NI, who are somehwere out past Newtownards on that weird peninsula. While touring their premises, he 'lost his balance suddenly', fell, and broke his arm. He's had to cancel the rest of the trip.

It says a lot about Barney that when news came back of this, we were all pissing ourselves laughing in the office.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

That's why he isn't paid the big bucks.

[igor_balis]

Baz I did, yeah!

When I got a promotion at the last but one place, HR made a real hash of listing the job (plus it was kinda shit), and after three weeks the only applicant was a Nigerian bloke literally in his 80s :D I think they should have given him the job tbh.

[Jimmy Floyd]

One of our team members has chosen to have a massive kick-off to director level about why we can't wear shorts in the office, when women can wear 'summer dresses'. Have some decorum will you.

[Baz]

I wore shorts to the office yesterday.

My line manager told me I looked like I was going playing tennis.

[Serj]

I'm wearing shorts at the office right now. I'm sitting in a room with exactly one other person and have no in-person meetings today, so why not? It's much more comfortable.

[Jimmy Floyd]

No issue with shorts if the environment permits it, but making that argument about women's dresses is pathetic. He should lose a bollock for it.

[Dark Soldier]

Some of the best men in the world only had one bollock tbf.

[Dark Soldier]

Geoff Horsfield as an example

[Baz]

Barney to come back from sick with a cast on his arm, and a skirt on.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Some of the best men in the world only had one bollock tbf.

Hitler.

[Shindig]

We can wear shorts but nobody in the office takes the chance.

[Lofty]

We can wear shorts in the office. Smart casual. Unless going into a meeting with people outside the team.

Hopefully Barney has one of those comical casts where his arm has to be set in a certain way with supports for maximum comedy value upon his return.

[niko_cee]

I sometimes see men in full Bermuda Short order, which seems to involve comedy long socks, making them look like giant prep schoolers. I think they do it for charity sometimes, but then there are outliers who seem to deem it acceptable more generally. It isn't. Formal shorts are just the worst.

[Bernanke]

It's 2023, just wear summer dresses. :baz:

[Baz]

What shoes do people wear with shorts in the office?

I wore white Nikes with white socks and felt I looked a lot better than my pal in sockless loafers, but what do I know. A colleague said I was dressed for Wimbledon and he was dressed for TOWIE.

[Dark Soldier]

Ankle socks and Adidas Classics cos old man vibes. As long as you don't come in with a Borat bathing suit our work doesn't really give a fuck.

Leggings season is :drool:

[Manc]

I had to pop into the office earlier this week and people were giving me the full once over. Birkenstocks, linen shirt & shorts. Couldn't see the issue.

[Giggles]

Birkenstocks alone deserve more than a full once over.

[niko_cee]

Were you also wearing a Panama?

[Manc]

If only.

[Don]

Birkenstocks are alright. Alright for fucking Pride month cunts. Chuck it in with Boom's misunderstanding of double denim, Phonics' (and Baz's?) hi top ways, Sand's short-sleeved shirts (he may yet have a real slow burn victory on this as my stance has softened) and all the homos and their ankle socks.

[SvN]

It's conversations like this that make be relieved to not have to answer to anyone.

[Dark Soldier]

Taz in his Crocs, knee high socks, leather shorts and wife beater vest then

[Jimmy Floyd]

Our sales director originally gave the OK to shorts but he was quickly overruled by the MD, who having already banned hot food, and t-shirts without collars on 'dress down Friday', was fuming at the idea. Allegedly he keeps the only (useless) woman in the sales department around because he likes her big nipples.

I would understand it if the very few customers who come in here aren't always shabby old vagies who stink of piss and booze.

[Ben]

Full PPE including Engelbert Strauss wellies for me. Scandalous.

[Mike]

I’ve been in shorts all week. With both white Nikes and white converse. Not at the same time

[Shindig]

Our sales director originally gave the OK to shorts but he was quickly overruled by the MD, who having already banned hot food, and t-shirts without collars on 'dress down Friday', was fuming at the idea. Allegedly he keeps the only (useless) woman in the sales department around because he likes her big nipples.

I would understand it if the very few customers who come in here aren't always shabby old vagies who stink of piss and booze.

I hope they approve shorts and hot food in the same week so Barney scalds his lap.

[igor_balis]

my new place is slightly stricter than the last few places - no shorts, jeans just about tolerated, though most go with chinos/smartish trousers and plain polo shirts/fairly casual collared shirts, with, to continue a theme, semi smart shoes. id be a bit fucked off with no shorts, but unlike the previous places we actually have aircion so I don't really give a shit

if your office is 25°c+ with no aircon, you're a fucking nobhead if you don't let people wear shorts.

[Giggles]

It's work, not some party hostel.

[igor_balis]

If received wisdom and historical precedent was for employees to drink their own piss, you'd be running your methane smelling gob trying to explain why the new generation were a bunch of feckless shirkers, despite spending most of your working life eating chicken fillet rolls in service stations.

[igor_balis]

fuck, I meant ammonia, you can tell I put my shorts on when I got home :charm:

[Pepe]

chinos/smartish trousers and plain polo shirts/fairly casual collared shirts, with, to continue a theme, semi smart shoes

That has to be the worst look going.

[Pepe]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ff0XNFDUoAIrCjh?format=jpg&name=small

[Giggles]

That has to be the worst look going.

The American dream .

[igor_balis]

That has to be the worst look going.

You're not wrong, it's like the old man "casual wear" shit you see advertised in Sunday broadsheets.

[niko_cee]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ff0XNFDUoAIrCjh?format=jpg&name=small

Is this from Luca's stag do?

[Baz]

:D


That's one thing that was only sorted recently in our office building. Everyone moaned it was hot so the hallkeepers shut all the windows and soon it was freezing, cos the aircon was finally allowed to work. Thankfully I'd booked a private office to do interviews in so I turned the aircon off in there and opened the window to enjoy the lovely 29 degree warmth from outside on my bare legs and forearms.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Barney has now been signed off for two weeks with not only the broken arm previously reported, but also a broken wrist and two broken ribs. All from 'losing his balance' during a customer visit. How hard is the ground in Northern Ireland?

[Lofty]

Is Barney angling for compensation?

[CJay]

You sure he didn’t ‘lose his balance’ in inverted commas, rather than actually losing his balance? He hasn’t come back with a monstrously big order at a great price for the customer or anything?

[Jimmy Floyd]

We're honestly all baffled. We even started doing JFK-style simulations earlier to see if we could recreate the type of fall that would break all of those bones in a healthy 34 year old man.

[Boydy]

Maybe he called them Irish in Mutantards.

[Magic]

My boss keeps saying he's definitely leaving (after 39 years) and the department is completely underinvested in and lacks support. Seems like we're not far off all being made redundant tbh and I'm nowhere near my target of £1.5m...mainly because there's me, an admin person and two engineers. £1.5m!

[Spikey M]

Are you allowed to cross the road at lunchtime yet?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Targets are lol sometimes. The Arab's target this year is £3.5 million which is completely unrealistic. I told him they're exploiting him because his visa status means he can't leave the company, but he won't have it, and thinks it just means they believe in him.

[Magic]

Targets are lol sometimes. The Arab's target this year is £3.5 million which is completely unrealistic. I told him they're exploiting him because his visa status means he can't leave the company, but he won't have it, and thinks it just means they believe in him.

Most of the time they are based in absolute fantasy and delusion. Mine was because it's what the department needed to have a successful year on top of remedial work. Logical, but not when you consider there's no support, no marketing, no staff, no productisation etc.

[Offshore Toon]

Targets are lol sometimes. The Arab's target this year is £3.5 million which is completely unrealistic. I told him they're exploiting him because his visa status means he can't leave the company, but he won't have it, and thinks it just means they believe in him.
Surely if you recognise they're exploiting staff you recognise you should bolt?

[Jimmy Floyd]

You mean I shouldn't work for a company/management that looks to squeeze where it can on potentially shaky ethical grounds? That will leave me short of prospective employers.

[Offshore Toon]

That is what I mean, yeah. Why would you accept that? The entire world isn't as shady as you're making out.

[Magic]

That is what I mean, yeah. Why would you accept that? The entire world isn't as shady as you're making out.

It is. Anyone running a profitable company is a shady cunt. "Business" is gross.

[Jimmy Floyd]

That is what I mean, yeah. Why would you accept that? The entire world isn't as shady as you're making out.

Let's say you go for a new job, value yourself at £40k, are offered £35k, eventually you accept an improved offer of £38k. Are they unethical? Well, for having tried to obtain your services for less than what they were ultimately prepared to pay, yes they are. Are you a sellout? Well, for accepting less than your own perceived worth, yes you are. Is this business and does it work for both parties? Yeah.

[Offshore Toon]

I guess you don't value yourself that highly then.

[Baz]

https://i.imgur.com/LmK1yLy.png

I'm a MHFA again. :youpi:

[Ben]

I've got four hours of online courses to do before the end of the week: Unconscious Bias, Modern Slavery, DSE, Mental Health Awareness. One down, three to go and I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel but we've been told we won't qualify for maximum bonus if we don't complete on time. Blackmail.

[CJay]

https://i.imgur.com/LmK1yLy.png

I'm a MHFA again. :youpi:

Is that yearly or monthly? :cab:

I get £8 a month to be a (non-mental) first aider at our office. The only time something happened (just a fainting) I was working from home. :D

[Magic]

My boss keeps saying he's definitely leaving (after 39 years) and the department is completely underinvested in and lacks support. Seems like we're not far off all being made redundant tbh and I'm nowhere near my target of £1.5m...mainly because there's me, an admin person and two engineers. £1.5m!

LOL now the CEO of the part of Group that I'm in is leaving. Been told there's no investment coming and we can't increase our head count. This is dumb.

[Shindig]

Overtime confirmed for next month. It's never going to end. :drool:

[Manc]

Double bubble?

[Shindig]

I only bother with weekends so it's double or time and a half.

[Baz]

Is that yearly or monthly? :cab:

I get £8 a month to be a (non-mental) first aider at our office. The only time something happened (just a fainting) I was working from home. :D

That’s back pay cos they hadn’t been paying me since I changed roles. It’s £8 a month and involves literally nothing.

[Gray Fox]

https://i.imgur.com/LmK1yLy.png

I'm a MHFA again. :youpi:


Is that yearly or monthly? :cab:

I get £8 a month to be a (non-mental) first aider at our office. The only time something happened (just a fainting) I was working from home. :D

You guys are getting paid?!

[Shindig]

I know. I'm angry about it too. I want £8 a month to go with the giant book.

[Spikey M]

Is that yearly or monthly? :cab:

I get £8 a month to be a (non-mental) first aider at our office. The only time something happened (just a fainting) I was working from home. :D

All fun and games until something happens. A security guard at my old work had a heart attack and I (along with others) had to give him CPR until the Ambulance turned up.

He survived and it's a good feeling knowing you have saved someone's life, but I let my first aid qualification expire after that and I'll never renew it. The noises he was making, the colour he went, the intense pressure... for £8. No. Never again.

Aside from that the only other things I ever had to deal with was a peanut allergy flaring up (called an ambulance), sickness and diarrhea (no, I'm not going in the women's toilet to deal with that, send her home ffs) and a 60+ year old with stomachache (I'm not a Dr, what do you want from me, go home).

Now, being a Fire Warden. That was a cushy ride.

[Offshore Toon]

Are people actually signing up to that shit for the money? I assumed it was just some token fee.

[Baz]

Two lads in my team had fire warden forced on them and there’s since been two fire drills were afterwards an email went round saying how terrible the drills went and if it had been a real fire, there would have likely been serious harm done. Nobody seems to have rumbled that they went out of their way to slow things down and do things wrong, in attempt to have the extra responsibility (for no financial benefit) removed.

[Foe]

We have first aid stuff and mental health stuff (which is likely unpaid) a bit like my “Carbon champion” sort of thing.

However we also have “emergency response” which they attempted to force onto all of us. It’s a rota system where if shit hits the fan (on just about anything) you get called in and have to deal with it. It’s I think about £100/week when you’re on rota but that could be basically whenever ie even over the festive.

I’ve always pushed it back - unless it’s I’m my contact I’m not interested in that.

One of the guys I work with was on call when a helicopter went down over a decade ago killing everyone. I think he’s still haunted by it. No thank you.

[Magic]

Pretty easy response no?

[Don]

We were recently told about the accessibility checker in Word. It seems largely pointless so I assume it's for the 'Comic Sans in Pink' wankers but I now see we also have an inclusivity checker too (again, pointless if you're already using your brain). Brav, just give me ChatGPT incorporated Word already, you gimps.

[Waffdon]

Got my first proper interview for a job ever in half an hour. (Been at the council since turning 16 so basically 10 years and don’t count interviews there)

Gonna be interesting. Over teams rather than IRL which is annoying.

[Offshore Toon]

Stream it so we can give you tips in-play.

[SvN]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULqAIbjCsXE

Just found it.

[Spikey M]

I always wondered what happened to Amigo.

[Waffdon]

Went well on my end. Job is not really what I thought it was though and the 2nd interviewer taking notes was annoying as fuck

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just had a massive domestic between the Arab and the Russian. One told the other to fuck off for unknown reasons, it then spiralled into an orgy of swearing and gesticulation. Home and away legs in each other's office, five minutes apart. The Russian won 3-2 on aggregate. Absolutely top spectator sport, unfortunately one of the bouts was during a phone call with a customer so I had to advise them that I'd only be able to deal with their enquiry when the shouting and raving calmed down a bit.

[Boydy]

They have their own offices?

[Jimmy Floyd]

The sales office is broadly open plan but there are 4 partition 'offices' set into the wall on one side, which go to the manager, the Russian, the Indian and the Arab. I have the best desk in the open plan bit, and the chaff have to make do with the shit positions.

[Baz]

I'm in the office today. There's a man in fitting blinds and he's very bad at it. Clearly not getting any work done today while I watch him swear at window fittings.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab's now sent a teams message round having a whinge, including a line which will surely go down in history: 'Sometimes I feel like a bunch bag around here'.

[Shindig]

Turns out my pay bump is almost twice than what I was expecting. :)

[Baz]

There’s an “Asian” woman (I think her family is from Bangladesh but she was born in London) at work who has some absolutely shocking stories about her upbringing and is an absolute warrior. I’m not sure if it’s that, or that she’s actually really physically attractive, or the fact that’s she’s just proper sound (probably a combination of them all) but I fancy her.

She was randomly in the office today and I told her I’m in every Thursday. Well so I am from now on she decided there and then.

Still got it. :baz: :flex: :flirt:

When we had a works “award ceremony” we walked to a pub after it and she was drinking gin like it was ice cold clean water and she was back in the Bangladeshi slums. Actually I think that’s the main reason I like her.

[Foe]

I put all of my pay into pension in April and may on purpose. Then shoved it back to normal on early June.

Paid today and it’s the same as April and may. It’s becoming increasingly more likely I’ve inadvertently set my salary to go to pension this year. :moop:

[Ian]

If I'm understanding that right how minted are you that you can just casually chuck all your salary into pension instead of getting it and not even notice?

[Foe]

I noticed it was happening, I did it on purpose (for the first two months of the tax year). I just assumed I could swap it back for the rest…. But that didn’t seem to work.

Going to phone them next week and find out if I’ve fucked it.

In more important news my work often has azeri expats in the office, and for the second time there is a ridiculously attractive lady in my wider team. Are Azeri women the most beautiful in the world or am I just getting a false representation?

[Ian]

Oh I thought you meant you'd accidentally been doing it for a while (before you then did it on purpose) but hadn't noticed.

[Foe]

Ha nah. A few years ago a senior lady indicated exactly that had happened, and I was like “how the hell does that happen?”.

Easier than it looks.

[Spikey M]

I just spoke to a Rosemary West.

Going with "Rosemary" is a good try, but really you need to be getting married ASAP. Or divorced, I guess, if you did this to yourself. Jesus. That must be a tough life.

[randomlegend]

Any time they are referenced now I get "sharp dressed man" stuck in my head ffs.

[Lofty]

My wife's uncle was their lodger for a time. Based on the reports, he definitely had a go on old Rose whilst Fred manned the peep hole.

Said Fred was a real nice fella :D

[Spikey M]

Your Family Tree is mental. In the right hands it could solve every cold case going.

[igor_balis]

My wife's uncle was their lodger for a time. Based on the reports, he definitely had a go on old Rose whilst Fred manned the peep hole.

Said Fred was a real nice fella :D
That's nothing mate, my dad introduced me to Wayne Larkins (paging Jimmy Floyd), when they were both delivering for Littlewoods in the same depot. He was putting catalogues in the back of his transit and seemed grumpy, but you would be I suppose.

[Shindig]

My dad once washed Jimmy Saville's car. Sir Jim'll went off to get some ice cream for the lads but my dad sodded off. A great decision in retrospect.

[randomlegend]

Google says Wayne Larkins is some cricketer, what's he done to get sandwiched into a conversation between Jimmy Saville and the West's?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My dad once washed Jimmy Saville's car. Sir Jim'll went off to get some ice cream for the lads but my dad sodded off. A great decision in retrospect.

He probably took a while working his way through the ice cream line.

[Don]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jul/01/minister-orders-halt-to-cambridgeshire-councils-four-day-week-trial

The state of the ginger Tory nonce and his comments.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I arrived into Toulouse this afternoon, along with the boss (from those who remember our Spanish trip getting on for 2 years ago). The boss is an east end wide boy kind of a dealer, clinging on to his position within the company after South Africans cut his pay. These days he's 73 so in some senses still a young buck, but openly fearing his imminent axeing to be replaced by me, creating a slightly awkward dynamic to say the least. As such, on this trip, as well as our own customers we're visiting a couple of other companies who are his side hustle customers for a new venture he's started with his son. Told me to keep it hush-hush.

Upon landing in Toulouse, he opens his phone, and his cancer-ridden wife has a message for him. It sounds serious. He rings off. 'My son's been lifted,' he says. That means arrested, and is still in a police station awaiting questioning. He speculates as to what he might have done: 'Fighting? I dunno.' He makes a call. 'Hi, Pedro. Could you find out what's going on? It's urgent.' Pedro, to his credit, quickly comes back with news. 'It's this bird he used to live with,' reports the boss. 'Says he gave her a whack. Got a bit rough with her.' Anyway, there's no evidence, he says, so he's sure he'll be released tonight. Time for some steak frites.

[Dark Soldier]

Created absolute war at my old place by finally raising a big concern that occurred when I worked there. Speaking to their people manager and/or CEO tomorrow via phone and they may wish to hold a meeting in the future regarding it too.

[mo]

This isn't the place to skimp on details. Come on, be more Floyd.

[Dark Soldier]

It depends on how the call goes tomorrow, I'll put the details in here if I can post it. I have threatened to go the social route, papers etc.

[Shindig]

Narc Soldier.

[Spikey M]

My afternoon consisted of 2 home visits:

Home visit 1 was interrupted by a phone call from his doctor saying he needs to come in for a biopsy, because they think he may have colon cancer.

Home visit 2 was around a 14 year old with lupus, having chemo, light therapy, hairloss, depression and a suicide attempt.

Happy, happy days.

[Baz]

Met Katie Piper today.

[Kikó]

It's always lupus.

[Dark Soldier]

Narc Soldier.

That's good tbf.

Call went well anyway, ongoing process, they will come to me next week with what they believe the next steps will be, need to speak to HR, legal etc. Taking it very seriously as they should. Once its all done with and if I can I'll type it all up in here.

[Manc]

Tease.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Spent today mostly cold-calling moody joints in the backstreets of Marseille. Sometimes I have to admire my own adaptability. Other times I think I should just get a different job.

[niko_cee]

Isn't that place a war zone at the moment [or just generally]?

[Spikey M]

Assuming French garages have similar demographics to ours, I don't think you'll find many of the rioters there.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Isn't that place a war zone at the moment [or just generally]?

Don't think I'd be heading into the projects that loom large in every sense at the top of the hill on your way in, but the rest of it's OK. It does seem a lot livelier than anywhere else I've been in France. A lot more of a football city than anywhere else, too, at least if my spidey senses are to be trusted.

[niko_cee]

Yeah, Marseille definitely has a different feel to most other places I've been in France. Bit of old fashioned menace.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We just drove into the city with a view to going to a 'cous cous restaurant' that the boss remembers being good about 20 years ago. Now, I should explain: this guy doesn't accept/believe evidence in front of him, only his own vague drink-addled memory. This means he won't ever look up where the restaurant is and go to it, he'll just drive to somewhere near where he thinks it is and see if he can see it on the way past. So as we randomly drove through various neighbourhoods which did not contain said restaurant (It's fackin gone!), my attempts to suggest (via google) actual restaurants that exist all fell on both literally and figuratively deaf ears. Eventually on the way back out of the city he drove us into what looked like someone's house because he saw people 'sitting down'. He went inside and said people confirmed it was not a restaurant.

90 minutes later we have ended up back in the hotel having a sandwich. Love the guy. My favourite boss.

[Boydy]

He just walked into someone's house? :lol:

[Shindig]

Jesus. He needs another reason to live. :D

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

People are setting up restaurants in their houses now tbf.

I went to a lovely place in Belgium a couple of months back:

https://www.rijkderzinnen.be/

[Jimmy Floyd]

It kind of had an open front and two black guys were sitting at a table eating, with an older white guy sitting on a futon further back. It might have been some hippy house or something. But it definitely wasn't a fucking restaurant.

[Foe]

On my travels around France in 2016 I confirmed that Marseille was a bit of a dump.

See also, Lille.

Lens was quite cool though, but Bordeaux clearly the best I visited closely followed by Nice.

[Lofty]

I thought Marseille had the weather going for it?

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's slightly unlike anywhere I've ever been. Beautiful weather, port, hillside projects, quite nice to look at, rough and ready and lively as fuck. Saw a burned-out bus on the drive earlier. The only comparison in my head (and this is pathetic) is King's Landing. I imagine it better reflects the likes of Casablanca on the other side of the Med.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The boss managed a wonderful final salvo on our trip. The very last customer we were going to see was some rectifier buried deep in the middle of Marseille. The boss said he remembered going there a few years ago and being thrown out at the door, but he thought it was worth another cold call to see if we had more luck this time. I didn't know the place but I put the company name into Google to find out exactly where it was. An address came up on various aggregator / yellow pages type sites, but the company itself had no website, which made me a bit concerned. Eventually I managed to get into the French version of Companies House to find that the company had been liquidated in 2013. I told the boss this and he said 'No chance, I was there in 2019, they threw me out at the door. You're going in and doing the talking this time.' So we (I) drove there, ducking and diving in the streets of Marseille, to this place where there may once have been an engine workshop. Sure enough, it was now an empty building with someone living in a flat above it.

The boss said oh well, and we moved on. I asked him if that was the same place he got thrown out of in 2019. He said 'no, I was fibbing. I never went there'. Was that some weird attempt at gaslighting, or is he just a fucking moron?

[Spikey M]

Both.

[Lofty]

Senile dementia.

[Waffdon]

Went well on my end. Job is not really what I thought it was though and the 2nd interviewer taking notes was annoying as fuck

Got offered it. Turned it down.

We go again.

[igor_balis]

someone stole my niknaks

[Giggles]

They're in Aldi now. Nibbly Nobblys :drool:

[Offshore Toon]

Our fire service are recruiting at the moment and it's very tempting to have a bash. It'd involve a paycut but riding around with the boys on a 4 days on, 4 days off schedule (aka the return of the sesh) doesn't half sound like a great life. That's before you bring in the benefits of having eternal hero status and early retirement.

I'm definitely enjoying what I do at the moment but an office will never be the ideal environment for me. It's a tough one but I figure I might as well apply and see how I feel down the line as the deadline is at the end of the month.

[Foe]

Our fire service are recruiting at the moment and it's very tempting to have a bash. It'd involve a paycut but riding around with the boys on a 4 days on, 4 days off schedule (aka the return of the sesh) doesn't half sound like a great life. That's before you bring in the benefits of having eternal hero status and early retirement.

I'm definitely enjoying what I do at the moment but an office will never be the ideal environment for me. It's a tough one but I figure I might as well apply and see how I feel down the line as the deadline is at the end of the month.

How likely are you to melt?

[Offshore Toon]

In Jersey? As close to zero as you can get. We've just had a gas explosion disaster so now is a great time to get on board whilst prevention is top priority.

The worst part of the job is that they deal with dead bodies. I know one of them and it sounds pretty horrendous.

[Baz]

Get yourself on Documenting Reality to desensitise yourself.

[Offshore Toon]

I've decided against it now. It's a bit of a job for life so would cement my future here which I'm not massively sure about. Plus ChatGPT can't put out fires.

[Manc]

At least you gave it plenty of thought.

[Magic]

I've decided against it now. It's a bit of a job for life so would cement my future here which I'm not massively sure about. Plus ChatGPT can't put out fires.

According to the techbros it can.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Earned my first ever commission this month. £229.51 on sales of £180,000. I am swimming with the fucking large fishes out here.

The Arab got nothing as his target is ludicrously high. He's going on a three-week trip to the Kingdom to try and make ends meet. He's launched a bitter complaint to anyone who will listen (me) that the company won't let him expense his cigarettes while there. Talk about losing battles.

[Ben]

Are you selling at a 1% profit margin?

[Lofty]

What percentage is that? 0.15%? What's the standard in your racket? In the glory days when I was a conductor it was 5% and mobile sales were a pipe dream, ticket barriers unheard of up in Cumbria. Only took £2000 on a busy day mind but not to be sniffed at for simply doing your job.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Average gross margin on that stuff is 56%. It's just a pitiful structure we're on. If I can get the boss to retire and take over Europe then that's where the money is.

[Jimmy Floyd]

What percentage is that? 0.15%? What's the standard in your racket? In the glory days when I was a conductor it was 5% and mobile sales were a pipe dream, ticket barriers unheard of up in Cumbria. Only took £2000 on a busy day mind but not to be sniffed at for simply doing your job.

For UK it's set at 0.625% of profit. The offer I had to do Central America it was 2.5% of profit if you hit the target. Arab is on 1% for some reason, I think he's just a mug.

[Baz]

Microsoft Outlook Reactions need to get in the bin. I can just about tolerate them in Teams Chat (dancing emoji reaction to Christmas Do booking, for example) but getting an email every few days telling me someone has put their thumb up to me doing my job? No thank you.

[Adramelch]

Not that I disagree with the sentiment but I'm assuming there's a way to turn off reaction notifications. I also vaguely remember that they would introduce the setting where you don't allow reactions on the ones you send, but I am not sure if that's in or not.

That said, I just dislike Outlook altogether. It often feels way too clunky.

[Baz]

Not that I disagree with the sentiment but I'm assuming there's a way to turn off reaction notifications.
There is not.

However, I have now created a rule to delete them (https://clean.email/automate-email-tasks/how-to-automatically-delete-emails-in-outlook). :youpi:

[Ian]

Thankfully I don't think they can be allowed in my work or maybe nobody's cottoned on to them yet or yeah, that shit would be getting rules'd right into the bin.

[phonics]

Similarly, anyone that tries to request a read receipt gets their email automatically put to the bottom of the priority pile.

[Yevrah]

For UK it's set at 0.625% of profit. The offer I had to do Central America it was 2.5% of profit if you hit the target. Arab is on 1% for some reason, I think he's just a mug.

Do (any of) you get to see how the profit is calculated if you hit your targets? Not that I'm accusing your firm of dumbing down the numbers to pay less bonus or anything...

[randomlegend]

Similarly, anyone that tries to request a read receipt gets their email automatically put to the bottom of the priority pile.

I delete anything with URGENT in the title without reading it.

[Yevrah]

I inherited a guy who I ultimately had to get rid of who used to send every email marked as High Importance. He had no clue that it just pissed people off and was counter productive as if everything is claiming to be high importance, nothing is.

[Spikey M]

I delete anything with URGENT in the title without reading it.

"Sorry little Timmy died, but in my defence..."

[Ben]

My work emails are currently in the midst of a Reply All clusterfuck. With a GDPR breach thrown in for good measure.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Do (any of) you get to see how the profit is calculated if you hit your targets? Not that I'm accusing your firm of dumbing down the numbers to pay less bonus or anything...

We can see the cost and the revenue (and we are at the coal face of getting the revenue so it can't be hidden), so on the face of it it's pretty simple. However, a while ago me and the Arab deduced that since the South African private equity lot took over, they 'load' the cost with an extra invisible 4% which the company keeps and ultimately counts against our commission. The reason we found out was that they accidentally pressed the button twice so it was at 8% for a while, which was blatantly obvious and throwing everything out. They then admitted the 4% upon our enquiry. So yes, there is some underhandery afoot but at least we found out about it.

[Ben]

My old company did exactly that, and I guess it's commonplace. The cost the staff see is not the cost. They'd put >10% on some stuff.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Yeah, imagine it's probably common but the fact that we didn't do it previously under the management of former owner Evil Capitalist-Bastard made me wonder.

[Ben]

That happened with us, it was the new MD's idea but he decided to just implement it in one fell swoop thinking nobody would realise the sudden increased costs across the board, but the staff who predated him cottoned on immediately and there were borderline riots at their lost commission. My office (Newcastle) were talking about inviting the MD up and enacting a coup before the non-sales staff reminded them that would be ludicrous, so they pivoted to doing a Super League type thing and just breaking away and going it alone (the office used to be an independent but was absorbed by this bigger national company a few years previous) but again nothing came of it, sadly.

[Giggles]

Outlook reactions are great. They save a reply.

[Yevrah]

My old company did exactly that, and I guess it's commonplace. The cost the staff see is not the cost. They'd put >10% on some stuff.

If it's spurious it'll be some arbitrary number plucked out of someone's arsehole to reduce bonuses, but if it's legit it'll be the share of central/indirect costs deemed appropriate for that rep/department/whatever.

[Ben]

The former absolutely. They weren't clever enough to figure out all the associated costs.

[Yevrah]

Yeah, imagine it's probably common but the fact that we didn't do it previously under the management of former owner Evil Capitalist-Bastard made me wonder.

Given how your place works I'm inclined to think there's some element of reducing the payment artificially in there but if there isn't it may not have been done before due to a shit/lazy finance department. Recharges are common place and if done properly help you assess how much each department is actually making when ALL costs are taken into account.

[Baz]

Outlook reactions are great. They save a reply.

If no reply is sent, presume the equivalent of 'okay.' You don't need to put your thumb up.

[randomlegend]

"Sorry little Timmy died, but in my defence..."

"...email is not an appropriate way to communicate clinically urgent information".

[Yevrah]

Indeed. Ask Raoul Moat's victims.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If it's spurious it'll be some arbitrary number plucked out of someone's arsehole to reduce bonuses, but if it's legit it'll be the share of central/indirect costs deemed appropriate for that rep/department/whatever.

My ten year old financial brain tells me that when our contracts state that the commission is calculated from gross income, then we shouldn't expect other costs to go in there. However what you're now going to do is explain to me why I'm wrong, and this is why accountants have a sort of hegemonic grip on 21st century life that I'm afraid can only be solved by the mass murder of everyone who has ever qualified.

[Yevrah]

My ten year old financial brain tells me that when our contracts state that the commission is calculated from gross income, then we shouldn't expect other costs to go in there. However what you're now going to do is explain to me why I'm wrong, and this is why accountants have a sort of hegemonic grip on 21st century life that I'm afraid can only be solved by the mass murder of everyone who has ever qualified.

Haha. It depends specifically what the contract says as to whether they're pulling a fast one or not ("Gross income" alone doesn't really mean much). Generally speaking though it's bad practice and/or demotivating to target or reward people based on what they can't control or influence and you presumably can do neither of those things when it comes to central costs (if that's what they are). If it were me (keeping within the spirit of your scheme) I'd be measuring you on sales and paying out on Gross Profit (sales less the cost of those sales) and avoiding any overheads entirely (even direct ones e.g. yours). There are other methods to control the latter that are more appropriate and it keeps the scheme simple, transparent and motivates people to push on and earn more - a win-win for everyone involved.

I suspect you've just encountered a lot of shit accountants, who while technically good don't understand people or business that well. There are a lot of them about so it wouldn't surprise me.

[Yevrah]

The other problem your business may be inadvertently causing by targeting people on sales alone (if I've understood that correctly) is encouraging people to meet those targets by 'winning' a lot of shit margin business. Again, pretty dysfunctional and something you'd want to avoid. You could avoid it to some degree by paying out on gross profit (ignoring whatever the other wank is), which would in theory encourage people to drive a harder bargain on prices, but I suspect what is happening with the other shit in there is that people don't really know what their bonus will be until it lands and are therefore disengaged from maximising it, which in turn isn't maximising the profit the company could be making.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I should have clarified, income in this context means profit, not revenue.

My commission contract (and I think all the other ones, though the percentages vary) says this:


25% of 2.50% of gross profit (net of sales) in respect of product sales in the Territories for ALL sales, only once sales exceed 100% of the agreed annual budget as set out in Schedule 1

Of course this would allow for the net of sales to be whatever they determine it to be, rather than what it actually is.

[Yevrah]

Such a bizarre way to word things. Why 25% of 2.5%? What does Gross Profit (net of sales) even mean? EDIT: It's akin to saying Premier League points net of games played.

If you know the answers to those questions I'm genuinely curious, but either way there simply shouldn't be any overhead costs in the calculation if you're paid on a percentage of Gross Profit, or as it is a percentage of a percentage of gross profit. The only costs included should be those that are directly attributable to making and/or buying and selling the product.

[Yevrah]

Think I've worked out the net of sales bit, I'm assuming they mean gross profit is measured as the net of (profit on) sales, but that is far from the way to explain things even to accountants, let alone to those who're not. EDIT: Essentially they're mixing different types of profit with that description, gross and net. Perhaps deliberately so as you say Jim.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I have no idea, if this company ever communicates with you in writing at all (which they try to avoid at all costs) it's always both late and baffling. I remember when they brought flexi-time in (or the lol watered down version of it that we have) they handed out agreements containing the new rules but told us on no account to sign them.

[Baz]

There's absolute uproar at work today cos a company-wide bulletin has gone round that includes promotion for a new vape shop, and the same bulletin has a lengthy statement from my colleague calling for the ban of disposable vapes. :lol:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Vapes are bizarre stuff. They seem to have little correlation to (ex) smokers, but have been taken up en masse by every jumpy impulsive oddball who can't sit still that I know.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Kids think they're cool too.

Feels like more of them are vaping now than kids smoking back in the day.

[Baz]

Alcohol licensing applicants stating they will not sell single items over 6.5% ABV must think I'm thick. I swear if that goes through, they'll just tape two cans of Kestrel together and call it a multipack.

[Lofty]

Some twat I have had a long running feud with (over a decade) has just started crying about changes to the way information is sent to him and it is due to outside decisions that can't be changed, absolutely fucking glorious lads :cool:

Might take a half day holiday and just bask in his frustration for the remainder.

[Kikó]

I'm hiring for the first time. Quite an interesting group of applicants so far and interesting to see how people value themselves salary wise. Range between 45-100k.

[Spikey M]

I'll do it for 90k. WFH. E-See you Monday.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I fucking loved hiring. I've only done it once, and for cricket rather than 'business', but the range of applicants was genuinely amazing. 70% of them south Asian no hopers with absolutely no qualifications to do anything like the position advertised. Several blokes working in a supermarket who think they can step into a head coach role with zero experience because they 'fancy a change'. Then a few ludicrously over-qualified former pros giving England players as references. From about 60 applicants, there was literally one person who fitted what we wanted, and he's still with us five years later.

[Kikó]

I'll do it for 90k. WFH. E-See you Monday.

Upper range is 75 sorry.

With this job as well 95% are actually Indian as well (statistics/coding background needed). Only one woman at the moment.

[mo]

Went in for A-Level results today. Results are pretty average this year it seems, very few standouts. My absolute favourite moment was seeing the stony face of a girl storming away from the school to her parents. She'd been one of the head students, very clearly fancied herself, thought she was it. Pointed this out to a colleague, who informed me she got Cs across the board. Glorious - big brother got all A* and went to Oxbridge and bet she'd been banking on the same :D .

[Spikey M]

Upper range is 75 sorry.

With this job as well 95% are actually Indian as well (statistics/coding background needed). Only one woman at the moment.

Fine. I'll settle for 75. My Indian accent isn't up to much, but you get what you pay for.

[Lofty]

Just give it your best Prabhakar 'yes Keeks Baba £75k a year sounds very good indeed' *humps the air graphically*

[Kikó]

😂

[Dark Soldier]

Look keeks I gave you the Luna heads up bro I'll happily take it for 150k a year just holla yeah

[Kikó]

Can you do SQL and Anti money laundering and do you want to live in Berlin?

[Dark Soldier]

Yes to all of them. I have Google.

[Kikó]

Ok. See you on Monday.

[Spikey M]

Bastard.

[Dark Soldier]

Get fuckt spikes

[Lofty]

DS monstering the fetish scene in Berlin making fat stacks of cash, that's board content you can't turn down.

[Dark Soldier]

I'll be in full gimp suit drinking piss at Berghain within a month

[Ian]

Just spent a deeply fulfilling three days giving people slightly different computers to the ones they already have. It never ceases to amaze me how even people who use computers for most of their shift every day can be so utterly terrified of getting a new one.

The worst that happens is the initial setup goes sideways and you get an afternoon off waiting for tech support to fix it. Get a grip.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's change, Ian. Change should be abolished.

I've been called up by the MD to accompany him to a Surrey Chamber of Commerce golf day next week. He's also given me a company branded polo shirt and cap to wear to it. Of all the things I've ever done, this might be the worst.

[Ian]

What day is this? Need to pop a reminder in my calendar to check the thread for your post about it.

[niko_cee]

We need, at the very least, a picture of the merch laid out on a bed or something.

[Mike]

We’re going to need you to model them for us.

[Gray Fox]

At my place I'm the 'champion' of the newish system they use to access payslips, personal and company info etc. Which boils down to they didn't want their managers being busy getting this information or changing peoples personal data as it takes up valuable bollocking time.

The response is to roll an app out and my job is to essentially help people install it and set it up on their phones. I'm sure this is a GDPR nightmare. I can attest to the blind panic of even the simple act of installing it again because they've a new phone. Every payslip day I know there's the same few people who will come back to me having forgot the password they set the month previous. And of course they couldn't possibly attempt to change it without my help.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We need, at the very least, a picture of the merch laid out on a bed or something.

I can't do that as it would give away who my employers are, but suffice to say they've printed the company name around the right-hand leaf of the collar, and vertically down the peak of the cap. It's a true style bloodbath.