The All New Jobs Thread

[Raoul Duke]

Nice. I'm sure you'll be on track in a year as it's a great role to progress in fairly quickly. Loads of jobs in NL too. I've been a PM/PO for about 10 years so gimme a shout if I can help.

They've just delayed upping the language level on the residency requirement so I'm tempted to try and go for the Dutch this year.

[Bernanke]

Yeah I'm pretty well set-up from a CV perspective already. Did 4 years of non-technical part-time QA work at Spotify in my early 20s so I'm very much brought up in agile work methods, and had a full year over 19/20 at the EMEA headquarters for one of the largest apparel companies, working as a business user towards an agile team developing an in-house tool to take over a load of Excel planning work.

What I'm mainly lacking is proper technical skills, since I come from a pure business education, so picking up some useful SQL tools as well as becoming better at understanding overall architecture is on the to do list for the coming year or two, and then I can make a pretty easy argument for making the move proper.

[Foe]

“Agile” is the biggest load of shit going.

I’m sure there some aspects of work that could benefit from it, but from my experience it’s become a buzzword and thrown at everything as a solution.

[Raoul Duke]

What I'm mainly lacking is proper technical skills, since I come from a pure business education, so picking up some useful SQL tools as well as becoming better at understanding overall architecture is on the to do list for the coming year or two, and then I can make a pretty easy argument for making the move proper.

Cool - yeah I think if you can do Excel/SQL stuff to a decent level and also have a fair understanding of how APIs work you'll be golden.


“Agile” is the biggest load of shit going.

I’m sure there some aspects of work that could benefit from it, but from my experience it’s become a buzzword and thrown at everything as a solution.

The concept is fine (break work down into small, deliverable chunks so you can adapt over time, rather than plan everything in advance to great detail and find out the world has moved on whilst you've been doing that) but it's got a lot of buzzword/consultant types you have to ignore. I also think it doesn't really apply to every industry or certain types of projects

[Kikó]

We're going full agile at scale at the bank. It really is a hammer for anything even if it isn't a nail. I think management at times doesn't understand why everything isn't suited for 'agile' so you have the performance of it when in reality, the organisation is too slow with certain decisions that slow deliveries away from a sprint cycle.

[Giggles]

I don't get agile until about 11am. Might be my mattress.

[Kikó]

Alright Shaggy.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I have no idea what that Kiko post means, unless he's made an agile switch into the blacksmith trade.

[Spikey M]

I've got a Court Hearing today for the first time ages. Dreading it. I've no idea how it all works in a Covid World and sufficient time has passed for my brain to purge all memory of what I used to do on a weekly basis.

[niko_cee]

This page has largely been less intelligible [and a bigger indictment of humanity] than the shit stick discussion in the 'rona thread.

[Kikó]

I have no idea what that Kiko post means, unless he's made an agile switch into the blacksmith trade.

Trust me, it's better that way. Never learn about ceremonies, burn down charts, velocity charts, story points, retrospectives or scrum master roles.

[Spikey M]

I had no idea Blacksmithery was so complex.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've just gone onto the APM website (Association for Project Management) in an attempt to get a clearly defined idea of what agile means.


Agile is a framework and a working mind-set which helps respond to changing requirements. It focuses on delivering maximum value against business priorities in the time and budget allowed, especially when the drive to deliver is greater than the risk.

Nope. Absolutely useless.

There are four principles of agile, and these are they:


In an agile environment, how a project is delivered is driven by a team working with end users, focus is on a core deliverable and iterating over time. Allowing the user to drive the design of a project can make a significant difference to project outcomes. Agile favours benefits and innovation through collaboration with a particular focus on customer satisfaction, quality, teamwork and effective management.


Agile emphasises a shift from a control to consensus. Focus is on people achieving benefits through engaged, accountable, high performing teams with focus on sharing data, openness, team communication and learning from feedback. This often requires behaviour change; those playing management roles become in and of the team both serving and leading to create commitment and accountability to an end goal.


The traditional ‘waterfall’ uses an agreed scope to create a time and resources plan. Agile establishes the resources and time which ultimately drive scope. There will be a number of time and cost delivery windows, sprints, through which the project will evolve.

An agile environment establishes a minimum viable product (MVP); the core project deliverable to trigger the start of a delivery. This is likely to change as the project team realises other opportunities or benefits that become available throughout each sprint.


The team owns the MVP working together to develop the product; what they will deliver and how they will deliver it. The delivery team is ‘cocooned’ to focus on the solution to the problem they are dealing with. The team will make constant adjustments to the scope of the product.

I'm a smart guy and I know what words mean. All of the above is absolute horse shit.

[Don]

The business world runs on people being conned into thinking the above is anything substantive.

[Spikey M]

I am an Agile Worker. Basically it's working from home with a hotdesk available if I need one and I'm expected to be out and about occasionally. Simple. I'd love to know how many hours and pounds were wasted on churning out that guidance.

[Raoul Duke]

The business world runs on people being conned into thinking the above is anything substantive.

This is where it started: http://agilemanifesto.org - most of what Jimmy posted there is yogababble that consultant types try to peddle at £800 a day.

[Bernanke]

If there's anything I've learned through 4 years of business studies, it's that 90% of it is just learning a new language created to gatekeep people and make them think that all the project and cultural change managers are actually doing something profound. Just read through a couple of articles on Harvard Business Review and realize what a sham it all is.

Doesn't stop me from being good at it and getting paid well for it though. :eyemouth:

[Kikó]

I've just gone onto the APM website (Association for Project Management) in an attempt to get a clearly defined idea of what agile means.



Nope. Absolutely useless.

There are four principles of agile, and these are they:









I'm a smart guy and I know what words mean. All of the above is absolute horse shit.

The problem is in places like mine, traditionally you'd sign up to a multi year, multi million project to deliver a piece of technology but then because it's so slow to deliver, you lead to long, obsolete expenses that sometimes you just abandon. So the idea is to break projects down into bite size smaller projects and deliver the technology quicker with 'mvp' (a small part that starts to be used). It is supposed to reduce project risk but also allow you to make changes and kill things earlier.

I realise that might all still be Bollocks so sorry.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's not bollocks, but I'm certain that farming, cleaning, building etc all use similar process changes without having to dress it up in all that wank.

[Spikey M]

It turns out what my employer calls "Agile Working" is a completely different beast to what Kiko is going on about. Just sounds like they've repackaged "Lean" to be honest.

[Kikó]

Lean is more operational effectiveness and reducing waste (kaizen).

[Spikey M]

Which is what this sounds like really, it's just applying similar principles to a different area of the business and slapping a fashionable name badge on it.

There's definitely a wheel being reinvented here.

This (https://www.planview.com/resources/articles/agile-vs-lean/) seems to confirm it to me. There's minor differences, but it's basically the same thing in more modern clothing.


In fact, practitioners of both methods often use the terms synonymously when describing common practices. To make things even more complicated, many companies adopt a Lean framework when trying to scale Agile across the organization. Are you confused yet?

:happycry:

[Foe]

The problem for me is I’m not part of a project, I support two oil platform so where the major problem to solve changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

And yet, we are still encouraged to be agile and spouted the above drivel as if it’s revolutionary.

Ultimately my swim lane in the kan ban is a to do list that I look at after my physical post it note version is complete so I can shuffle the cards to match. Crock of shit.

[Manc]

The problem for me is I support two oil platforms.

Fixed.

[Luca]

As a consultant who is sometimes asked to talk about Agile in the context of organizational structures/ways of working, I will say that the methodology is (in and of itself) fine and highly applicable to things like shipping out software.

However, the way the word is thrown around to mean everything (and thus nothing) renders it as good as technobabble.

[igor_balis]

https://i.imgur.com/p1XkgCC_d.webp?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium

[igor_balis]

https://frinkiac.com/meme/S08E14/388520.jpg?b64lines=IAogIldhdGVyZmFsbCIgQU5ECiAiQ2 9jb29uZWQiLS0gQVJFTidUIFRIRVNFCiBKVVNUIEJVWlpXT1JE UyBUSEFUIERVTUIKIFBFT1BMRSBVU0UgVE8gU09VTkQKIElNUE 9SVEFOVD8=

[Shindig]

Working in the office is shit and will remain shit until everybody's back.

[Kikó]

It must be annoying having to use the toilet brush rather than pissing it off later.

[Shindig]

Why would that annoy me?

[Kikó]

Oh come on.

[Spikey M]

Stop talking in riddles Keeks.

[Spikey M]

There's a woman at work that keeps committing the same offence that Jimmy's cricket mate does (not the MegaCuck).

Everytime I email her, even if it's just an FYI, she calls me to discuss it. To make matters worse, she's one of those people that thinks they're making a difference in the world. Love, shut the fuck up. We're all playing at this shit. None of it matters and nothing would change if you stopped doing your job tomorrow. Nobody would notice.

[igor_balis]

Yeah the people at work that insist on having to have a verbal conversation/MEETING for anything are annoying, but in my personal life it's generally the opposite which is probably more annoying.

About half my mates just refuse to answer when you call them, and instead let it ring out and text instead, because they shit themselves at the prospect of talking on the phone. Usually it's logistics about when/where we're meeting, which pub etc, which takes ten times longer over text. I'd say they just hate speaking to ME but a group discussion revealed that they just don't like telephone conversations. It isn't that bad.

[Giggles]

:cool: I’ll normally text someone within 2 minutes of them ringing me asking what they want.

[igor_balis]

It makes sense for people like you though cus it's only gonna be your missus moaning about something or someone trying to sell you something, it's people doing it to their mates which I find incomprehensible.

[Shindig]

To make matters worse, she's one of those people that thinks they're making a difference in the world. Love, shut the fuck up. We're all playing at this shit. None of it matters and nothing would change if you stopped doing your job tomorrow. Nobody would notice.

Yeah, I never understand those types. The ones that do want to climb the ladder just shut up and get on with it.

[Giggles]

It makes sense for people like you though cus it's only gonna be your missus moaning about something or someone trying to sell you something, it's people doing it to their mates which I find incomprehensible.

My Mrs would never be ringing me to moan about something. She’s the only one I’d answer anyway.

Does anyone text people trying to sell them something asking what they want? You’re an odd fish.

[Spikey M]

Yeah, I never understand those types. The ones that do want to climb the ladder just shut up and get on with it.

I don't even think she's one of them, she's just a chatty bollocks.

Today I emailed her to say I had sent a bit of paperwork over to the court and she should be receiving confirmation of hearing date soon. She was on the phone within minutes to tell me about her last meeting with her and blah blah blah. 15 minutes of me going "oh yeah?... nightmare... I know, I know... yeah, we shouldn't have to put up with it but it is what it is...". It was like "Now That's Disinterested Platitudes 104" for fuck sake.

[Shindig]

That's annoying. You can't outright tell her to do one but feigned interest means you're going to be hearing it until she croaks. You can't set up out of office replies aimed at specific people, can you?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Ask her what she thinks of Mark Noble the next time she calls.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Spikey M]

1428634515522695171?s=19

I can't work this morning. :cool:

[Lofty]

The problem for me is when that happens it just means I have to work the weekend to make a deadline :moop:

[Spikey M]

Fixed :(

[wullie]

We had people complaining that they couldn't access the VPN but could get on Google and normal sites. Best of both worlds surely, you can't do work but you can fuck about

[Spikey M]

We had people complaining that they couldn't access the VPN but could get on Google and normal sites. Best of both worlds surely, you can't do work but you can fuck about

https://64.media.tumblr.com/87ac397fc60af9d078919d6a07ffe77c/tumblr_inline_opqm5jw4i51qk0u8r_400.gifv

[Yevrah]

:lol:

[Shindig]

Didn't get the Senior Admin role but our gaffer has rung round to give detailed feedback. I wasn't far off.

[Giggles]

Would that not be just to keep you happy after getting knocked back?

[Shindig]

Nah, she has a genuine problem finding suitable team leader candidates at this site. I went for that position as well but she had to go outside the business to bring someone in. At the time I applied, I was the only person in for it. :D The feedback reads as her trying to get those interested to push on.

[Ian]

Not necessarily. In my experience interview feedback is garbage. I wrote the feedback for a bunch in my last place and the HR woman was astonished I'd actually bothered beyond "Role went to somebody with more experience, gave a better interview on the day, blah blah blah."

There are no absolutes of course but generally I'd say if somebody bothers their arse to give you good feedback you did actually do well.

Edit: At Giggles, obvs.

[Shindig]

This isn't that. This is the boss ringing round to tell them specifically what they should do. Sitting with managers/deputies two hours a month, taking time to train, etc. My team leader's leaving next year and she's going to have bother to fill it.

[Spikey M]

Just took a phonecall from reception. I sent a letter out letting someone know that they needed to pay an extra £x per week or £x per month and they came in to speak to me about it.

"Oh hi, I have Mr Smithers here, he got your letter saying how much he was to pay each week or month, but he gets paid fortnightly"

Ok?

"... you haven't put the fortnightly amount"

If there's a way of explaining that 1 week + 1 week = 2 weeks without sounding like a sarcastic twat, I'm yet to find it. Fuck off Waylon.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had someone after parts to keep a 1925 John Deere T44 tractor going.

https://cdn1.mecum.com/auctions/ga0321/ga0321-470075/images/untitled14of471-1611849268333@2x.jpg?1615897644000

Just buy a new tractor ffs. It's ninety six years old.

[Ian]

If it's some old shit do you get to rinse them even harder for the parts?

[Spikey M]

I once had someone telling me about how much they had sank into restoring an old Alpha Romeo and the answer is yes. It was shit as well.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If it's some old shit do you get to rinse them even harder for the parts?

Mainly we just get to enjoy the tone of genuine shock in their voices when we tell them there hasn't been a market for such parts since about 1974.

[Kikó]

I've got a call about relocation on Thursday and maybe hear whatever offer they're giving for equivalence from London to Frankfurt. Exciting times.

[Manc]

Spikey verging into Shindig territory. Title shot in the bin.

[Jimmy Floyd]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOO2v9HGaqs

[Spikey M]

I've got a call about relocation on Thursday and maybe hear whatever offer they're giving for equivalence from London to Frankfurt. Exciting times.

Minus 10 grand a year.

[Kikó]

Probably but last time I looked, equivalent rent is 35% cheaper so could be worse.

[Kikó]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOO2v9HGaqs

😂

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'll just repost a phone conversation I had with a customer who called from the north east of England.

'Good afternoon, can I help?'
'Hi, is that Lee?'
'No, he's not here today. Can I help at all?'
'Oh, OK mate, I'm sure you're better looking than him anyway!'

*silence*

'Well, can I help?'
'Yes, I was wondering if my order was dispatched yesterday.'
'I'll have a look for you, one moment.'
'OK, no problem bad boy.'

*silence*

'No, it wasn't.'
'Oh no! Well, never mind eh bad boy. Have a good weekend, eh? Goin' out with the lads, are we?'

*silence*

'You don't seem to be on board with the bant-ah, mate!'
'Not really. Bye.'

The cruise missiles have been ordered.

[Ian]

Who the fuck calls a total stranger 'bad boy'?

Unless you're in one of Hammer's regular haunts, obvs.

[Spikey M]

Petition for the board to exclusively address Jimmy as "Bad Boy" going forward: all in favour?

[Lewis]

'He says "I'm not paying that", so I slapped it in his face.'

[Jimmy Floyd]

Who the fuck calls a total stranger 'bad boy'?

Unless you're in one of Hammer's regular haunts, obvs.

Northerners do. Honestly, I'm fed up with the cunts.

[Ian]

Well we have the self-proclaimed Spreadsheet Bad Boy so..... Tractor Engine Bad Boy?

[Kikó]

Sounds like Jimmy needs to lighten up, ain't that right bum cheeks?

I had my formal offer yesterday for my relocation. Seems likely I'll be in Germany by November.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Remember not to cross the road when the red man is on, and remember to explain all your jokes just after telling them.

[Spikey M]

Northerners do. Honestly, I'm fed up with the cunts.

I want to Uni with a lad from Nottingham. He would routinely call people "big boy" or "big lad", so it could be worse. Just.

[Kikó]

Remember not to cross the road when the red man is on, and remember to explain all your jokes just after telling them.

The jay walking thing is very annoying.

[Boydy]

Seems like a harmless jovial chap, you miserable bastard.

[Spikey M]

Boyd's upset because he only ever gets called Soft Lad.

[Manc]

Poor Lee.

[Offshore Toon]

I'm sure the conversation played out differently to how it's written as you just come off rude.

[Baz]

Well we have the self-proclaimed Spreadsheet Bad Boy so..... Tractor Engine Bad Boy?
We're already both Skoda Bad Boys but this has confirmed us as the Bad Boy Bad Boys. :cool:

[Spikey M]

I'm sure the conversation played out differently to how it's written as you just come off rude.

Bad boys don't have time to be polite.

[Lofty]

No, Jim is a bastion of ice cold professionalism and I for one respect him for it. I used to do the same to bints trying it on for a free ride on the train. Flirting with me is getting you nowhere love, either commit 100% to the cause or get your purse out.

4 minutes until my out of office goes on and I am off for a week :drool:

[Kikó]

What's commit 100% to the cause? FakeTrain?

[Spikey M]

Ride the Loftycoaster. The thrills don't stop here.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's just how I do the job. If you call me you will get all the information you need, quickly and accurately. You won't get a friendly chat unless you've earned it by ordering regularly and never, ever attempting banter.

[Boydy]

And yet you were making fun of the Germans.

[Spikey M]

:D

[Offshore Toon]

Donned.

[Disco]

I'm not friends with any of the people I deal with at work so good luck getting a friendly chat out of me.

[Offshore Toon]

Anybody more concerned with working than passing the time after midday on a Friday is going nowhere.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Germans are doing that in their spare time.

[Spikey M]

Anybody more concerned with working than passing the time after midday on a Friday is going nowhere.

It depends what you do really. I don't think I could be arsed bantering with a load of Northern Bamsters, but in my job being matter of fact would be a nightmare. Everything has to be hidden behind a fake smile or I'd spend all day arguing with people.

[Ian]

".... and that's why we're kicking you out your house.

Still, if you had to pick a day to live on the street we've got the weather for it eh? Haha"

[Spikey M]

:D

In an ideal world It's my job to find a way to not evict someone, and to get dickheads that refuse to help themselves to work with me. So it's more of a smarmy 2nd hand car salesman act, where I sell them the dream of moving into a council house rather than living in a bush.

I had a man say he'd rather starve than accept foodbank vouchers earlier, so I said "you'll be delighted with the alternative I have for you then". I really am quite hilarious.

[Shindig]

I kept being told I had a really good rapport with the claimants. I hated the colleagues that sounded like they were rigidly reading from a script. Claimants only get a few opportunities to interact with another person during their claim and I'd rather not be the cunt that ruins it for them. :D

[Lofty]

What's commit 100% to the cause? FakeTrain?

Indeed. I was once offered, and declined, a blowjob in lieu of the £5 fare by a woman reviewed as 'the best blowjob in Millom' but declined on the packed last train.

There used to be some mad woman who would get her tits out for a free ride, the cost of her ticket would've been under £2 :D

[Shindig]

Turns out you can put a price on dignity.

[Manc sean]

Sounds like Jimmy needs to lighten up, ain't that right bum cheeks?

I had my formal offer yesterday for my relocation. Seems likely I'll be in Germany by November.

If you remember Craig crumble he's living in Munich.

[Spikey M]

Craig Crumble? :D

[Kikó]

If you remember Craig crumble he's living in Munich.

I've texted him. He's given me some decent advice on relocation and Germany.

[Manc]

What's the crack here then. Are you upping sticks permanently or is it a quarter here quarter there deal?

[Kikó]

Full upping of sticks. Starting a new role at the mother ship.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is Mrs Kiko eager for a diet of kartoffelsalat and wheat beer also?

[Kikó]

She's been desperate to bin London for years so she's fully onboard. Maybe we will return when a fully independent Scotland is formed...

[Spikey M]

Kiko finally admitting I'm right about London being an absolute shithole. :cool:

[Kikó]

I don't mind London at all but I've never really felt I could raise a family here. I think because I've always rented it's felt temporary.

[Giggles]

Germany is fitting, maybe only second to Denmark.

[phonics]

The jay walking thing is very annoying.

As someone who struggles to cross a road in Switzerland after going back to the UK because every driver is so fucking aggro, I'm not sure I follow.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Our mild-mannered drivers are one of the best things about this country. Pretty much anywhere else you go it's red blooded aggression.

[Kikó]

Unless they're Uber drivers.

[Lofty]

Italy is the most mental country for driving by some distance.

[Offshore Toon]

London has some awful drivers (foreigners, innit), but elsewhere everyone has been fine.

And it definitely isn't the kind of place you can settle. I'm seeing more and more people move to the likes of Sheffield and Leeds in recent years. I always had them pegged as shitholes, but apparently not. The North will rise again.

[phonics]

Our mild-mannered drivers are one of the best things about this country. Pretty much anywhere else you go it's red blooded aggression.

Absolutely not true whatsoever. Youre third behind Italians and French in absolutely insane fucking drivers.

[Spikey M]

"You're".

Do you put on a French accent these days?

[Offshore Toon]

He has no solid identity, hence the forcing opinions on stuff.

[Disco]

London is far worse for driving (and everything else) than the rest of the country.

[phonics]

"You're".

Do you put on a French accent these days?

So sorry I missed an apostrophe. Absolutely devastated.

[Disco]

PTSD from the break in nobody cared enough about.

[phonics]

PTSD from the break in nobody cared enough about.

Brother I have more than enough mental issues that PTSD ranking outside the top 10 isnt a shocker before even factoring in the 5 times I’ve been robbed in my life.

[Manc]

The swag proving irresistible.

[phonics]

Legit have no idea who you are despite you posting every day for 5 years.

[Giggles]

So sorry I missed an apostrophe. Absolutely devastated.

You couldn’t have missed the point of what he meant by that more.

[Spikey M]

So sorry I missed an apostrophe. Absolutely devastated.

You've completely missed the point I was making and I'm not even sure how you've managed it.

[Lewis]

London has some awful drivers (foreigners, innit), but elsewhere everyone has been fine.

And it definitely isn't the kind of place you can settle. I'm seeing more and more people move to the likes of Sheffield and Leeds in recent years. I always had them pegged as shitholes, but apparently not. The North will rise again.

Leeds is excellent and would give a good account of itself in any second city contest. I'm not sure about Sheffield. It might just be cheaper enough to balance it out.

[SvN]

This has been a bad page for phonics.

[Manc]

Full upping of sticks. Starting a new role at the mother ship.

Presumably you'll be heading on down to Deutsch Bank Park?

[Kikó]

Ja. Might have a look to see how much season tickets are, shame they bottled the CL last year.

[Giggles]

Nobody else has shown up yet today and it’s brilliant.

[Andy]

London has some awful drivers (foreigners, innit), but elsewhere everyone has been fine.

And it definitely isn't the kind of place you can settle. I'm seeing more and more people move to the likes of Sheffield and Leeds in recent years. I always had them pegged as shitholes, but apparently not. The North will rise again.

Leeds is banging. I've always thought big city's outside of London are more or less the same until I spent some time in Leeds. If you want to live in a big city but can't deal with London it would be my pick.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The problem with London is that everyone thinks they're something.

North of the river, anyway. South of the river is magnificent.

[Boydy]

Everyone in south London still thinks they're something and that something is 'a DJ'.

[Baz]

First day back after 2 weeks off and a course I signed up for ages ago started today at 9:30, which I was completely unaware of and obviously done no “pre-reading.” So now I’m on a zoom thingy from 9:30-1:30 while 300+ unread emails sit in my inbox, with my out of office previously promising I’m back today. I am not.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I got an email this morning from a Frenchman that said simply this:

'Bonjour

Je suis furieux.

Merci
Mathieu'

Never had greater affirmation that I'm doing my job in life.

[Spikey M]

That's their default setting.

[Kikó]

Bonjour Mathieu,

quoi de neuf bébé?

Merci,
Jim

[Lofty]

Simply: omelette du fromage?

[Spikey M]

Just been offered some overtime because they need someone to go and see someone that can only be seen at weekends... in fucking Jaywick. Yeah, fuck off love.

We don't even have anything to do with the place so no idea what they want someone over there for.

[Jimmy Floyd]

When someone posts a town name on here that I don't know, I often do a Streetview into a random street there just to get a feel for the place.

https://i.ibb.co/YRRnMnN/jaywick.jpg

Hmm.

[Kikó]

Jaywick is one of the worst places in the world.

[Spikey M]

It's the poorest place in England. The fucking UN visited to assess the poverty a while back.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-46178830

[Boydy]

Yeah, I remember it being on the news. Looked proper grim.

[Baz]

I bet it’s a funny day sesh.

[Spikey M]

It's probably just straightforward information collection for someone who needs supported housing in Colchester or something. But still... no thank you.

[Don]

Bet they don't even have air fryers over there. Subhuman.

[Spikey M]

You need electric for them.

[Lofty]

Somehow makes Barrow look posh.

[Don]

3 hours into the first day back since 5 August and already having "how much longer can I do this for?" meltdowns :drool:

[Baz]

Someone I used to work with, who has moved to a different team, is confused about whether one of her new male colleagues is straight or not. The confusion has arose because she thinks he likes her, but also recently went to a cat cafe. :lol:

Said male colleague also recently went on a stag do and the stag tried to kill himself by jumping out of a window. Obviously I laughed at this, but she’s practically in meltdown on his behalf for how “dead bad” it must have been for everyone involved.

Who needs work when there’s MSN Teams drama to keep you occupied.

[mo]

:| tbf stag do's make me want to jump out of a window.

[Spikey M]

She's pissed again and it's blindingly obvious, but we're apparently just pretending we haven't noticed this time. Sort yourself out woman ffs.

[Manc]

Spikey by name, Spikey by nature.

[Shindig]

This is exactly how our office drunk was dealt with. They’re all just waiting for the day she hits long-term sick.

[Yevrah]

I've only ever worked with two office drunks that I knew of, both many years ago.

One was sort of recovering from when she was bad with it in a previous job and fell hugely off the wagon on a work night out and the other used to hammer so many pints at lunchtime and then keep himself topped up throughout the afternoon that you could play pool with him in the evening and he'd genuinely think he was the other colour half way through a frame.

Fun times.

[Kikó]

Never worked with a in-work drunk before. One of the guys in my team basically can down booze at a rate of knots that goes from him being a decent guy to being embarrassingly drunk. One time, we all ordered a quick beer after a workshop that day and he polished off a bottle of white in the same time.

[Offshore Toon]

I used to work with a woman that seemed to be drunk at work a fair amount (maybe once a week max) and had a lot of long-term absences. During the final absence she ended up falling down some stairs and died. This was around 2007/8 so it was before you had heroes like Baz caring about mental health and management appeared very sorrow despite causing her a lot of stress and likely worsening the situation.

[Baz]

God bless her for paving the way towards my additional £8 a month.

[Lofty]

I worked with an alco train driver who ended up shopping himself to avoid the sack, then he was pissed and fell down an escalator and thought he was 18 again, lived in care ever since.

[Spikey M]

Wish I could go back to being 18 :(

[Lofty]

Might be a bit of a sour experience when you think you're 18 but they're keeping you in a secure unit, telling you you've had an accident and you don't recognise the person in the mirror.

[igor_balis]

My dad used to be a van driver, would deliver catalogues and parcels all day, get home at 7ish, somehow manage to make himself a proper dinner from scratch every night, drink three bottles of cheap red wine, then be up at 5am to repeat the process, 5-6 days a week, 7 during the pre-christmas rush. This was pretty much his life from the age of 45 to 60. No wonder the mad cunt ended up having a stroke.

[Baz]

Actually went in work today. Well, the office building I worked in a while back. Wasn’t to do any work (was picking up free rugby tickets) so was there for all of thirty seconds but it’s well different!

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/8f/80/33/8f8033d5dcf28566d9c1e9c52cd38dd8.jpg

I’ll stay at home forever, ta. Saying that, work have inexplicably booked the next “team meeting” at a cafe in town. :nono:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm going to Spain next month. Five cities in five days. No working from home on the road :cool:

[Giggles]

Christmas parties are back :sick:

[Don]

Mans got a 1 month waiting list before being allowed to do their induction to the new office building and having regular access and these lot are doing work trips and xmas dos :(

[Spikey M]

In September?

[Lofty]

I am going in to the office tomorrow for the first time since March 2020. I don't really want to, and it is 'optional' but I think not going would be a bad idea. I can't book a desk with the app because despite there being dozens of empty seats the app has deemed the office at it's covid limit, but my manager has said no to worry. Could be fun.

[Manc]

God speed. I've got a brief induction on Thursday after which I wont be showing my face for another month (tactical holiday). I'm hoping during that period heads go and I can see the year out at home.

[Spikey M]

I had to go into the Office on Wednesday purely because a jobby cunt in Finance insisted that the information I had provided by email must be written directly onto the paperwork and accompanied by a big 1980's ink stamp that we still use for some reason. "Working from home does not negate company policy" she said.

Today I contacted her about a refund that needs to go out via cheque and she's come back with some noise about only doing BACS transfers at the moment due to working from home.

I've just attached the company policy on when Cheques can be issued and typed "Working from home does not negate company policy".

I'm going to click send with my erection.

[Yevrah]

She sounds horrific and wouldn't last five minutes on my watch. Finance should never ever get in the way of actually doing things.

[Spikey M]

I've not encountered her before, but to be that much of a twat she must have been around a fair while. She's probably moved to finance from another team.

Either way, She's made a weak and powerless enemy and she will rue the day.

[Yevrah]

I bet one of her favourites catchphrases is "I can't do that yet, it's month end".

[Ian]

I had to go into the Office on Wednesday purely because a jobby cunt in Finance insisted that the information I had provided by email must be written directly onto the paperwork and accompanied by a big 1980's ink stamp that we still use for some reason. "Working from home does not negate company policy" she said.

Today I contacted her about a refund that needs to go out via cheque and she's come back with some noise about only doing BACS transfers at the moment due to working from home.

I've just attached the company policy on when Cheques can be issued and typed "Working from home does not negate company policy".

I'm going to click send with my erection.

:D

Top work.

[Baz]

I’m proper bffs with our finance and accounts payable departments, it’s great. Even when I mess up (ultra rare, happened like twice in 3 years) they’re like ‘sorted it hun x’ and I’m back to watching TV.

[randomlegend]

I've been covering nearly all the locum weekend shifts for quite a while so the consultant who does the rota loves me how.

She's given me two weeks off over Christmas only using 1 day of annual leave :drool:

[Shindig]

I'm still caning overtime when it's offered. Making the most of it until they inevitably hire agency staff to cover. Could be any day now or absolutely never. :D

[Baz]

My boss leaves on Thursday and it’s gonna go one of two ways. :uhoh: She currently does bloody everything and I just mill around in the background, holding on to her pocket like Tweener, providing spreadsheets and mental health first aid as a when required.

So either people are gonna start coming to me for all the stuff she did and I’m gonna get FOUND OUT as not knowing “policy and procedures” at all.

Or somebody will pick up her work and ignore me and I’ll have even less work to do.

Either way, it’s not gonna be positive.

[Smjffy]

May as well update.

I returned to the job I couldn't be furloughed from in April, anticipated working alongside another chef but he no showed so I was on my own whilst guests were allowed on terrace or takeaways, waiting patiently whilst someone else arrived for the proper opening....no one did. Then one did. Then he fucked off. Twat. Ex head chef arrived from Poland so we've worked the last few months together but he returned a few weeks ago.

Here's where I am at though. I am in a different area and different pub but under same owner, I have complete control of the kitchen, it's my specials every day, I do all the ordering etc. Every last bit goes through me which is ridiculous as I am still very inexperienced but as tough as it is, it's enjoyable all the same. Nothing special but I like how far I have come. I keep trying and doing better, now winter is coming and things are quieting down I feel I could really make some further improvements as I'll have more time to play.

https://i.ibb.co/c173CTR/20210921-091148.jpg

Loving me poached eggs. Ignore the excess water, it's just the plate I rest them on. Pretty though.

https://i.ibb.co/kHXfSnq/Screenshot-20210921-190419-Photos.jpg

Not entirely happy with me breakfasts but truth be told, I stopped giving a shit when we stopped serving to the public. Short staffed, you see. As seems to be everywhere in hospitality.


https://i.ibb.co/3hZTGCh/20210909-173753.jpg

Me ploughmans. I like this because it flies out at lunch so it eases things for me on the hot side. I've got my coleslaw locked down now too, I think.


https://i.ibb.co/BBVhRtY/20210911-180420.jpg

I do love both salmon and hake but I didn't manage to get a picture of the other. Under the tasty fish is beans, crushed garlic potatoes and courgettes. Most the veg is from the allotment around the corner which is cool. I've had mackerel, muscles, linguine, prawn risotto, mushroom tagliatelle, three cheese mac attack and I have to have a curry of the day so since returning I've had a few firsts. I can now make a decent chicken korma from scratch, the last Tikka Massala I did was a hit. I've managed to do a dhansak and a few others. But yeah, stable and smashing it.

:)

[Boydy]

Nice one, Smiffy. Those pictures look banging.

[Kikó]

Good to hear from you Smiffy. Where in the UK are you these days?

[Smjffy]

Good to hear from you Smiffy. Where in the UK are you these days?

I'm back down in Cornwall but the winter is going to be a challenge as things will die down so I'll have to adjust, it should be a decent enough experience if not too quiet.

Sometimes I can't shake the thought that it took a global pandemic to shake me into action. :D

[Lofty]

Amazing food that Smiff, can't beat the classics.

[Ian]

That one you posted with the fish and the prawn sauce all over it is still the best one. :nodd:

[Spikey M]

We need to talk about that Hash Brown situation Smiff.

What the fuck are you playing at? You need atleast 12 of those. Come on lad.

[Lewis]

The ploughman's is British food at its absolute lowest level of shit.

[Dquincy]

The ploughman's is British food at its absolute lowest level of shit.

Agreed.

But well done Smiffy for....cooking food. Jokes aside, it is good that you are happy. Namaste.

[Spikey M]

I've just had someone from James Duddridge's (local MP) office on the phone demanding information about a case without a consent form. He's not at all happy about my GDPR compliance. I'm going to enjoy this.

[randomlegend]

I've just had someone from James Duddridge's (local MP) office on the phone demanding information about a case without a consent form. He's not at all happy about my GDPR compliance. I'm going to enjoy this.

It's quite common to get the police rock up in A and E demanding information about patients with absolutely no authority to do so.

Someone I went to med school with gave a police officer a load of information about a patient (which they shouldn't have done) when they were a fourth year student on placement. It was stupid of them and they should have known better, but absolute scum behaviour from the police officer to target a medical student.

[Spikey M]

Just received an email saying that the voter in question is unwilling to give written consent and that I am standing in the way of them helping. :cab:

First up, you're not trying to help me, are you fuckbag? Second up, my legal requirement to obtain written consent to comply with GDPR was enacted by your boss. What a burk.

[Lofty]

They never understand rules when they are hindering them. Police do it all the time on the railway. If a crime is being committed on a station/train the civil police palm it off as not their jurisdiction unless it is an emergency.

They happily just walk around on the railway running lines without asking for permission/informing signallers etc though.

[Panda Bear]

went on linkedin for the first time in ages. in my news feed, @kiko wrote about attending a conference in person for the first time. i clicked on his bio, and i saw this:
https://media-exp1.licdn.com/dms/image/C4D03AQH1O4-l4X008g/profile-displayphoto-shrink_800_800/0/1624117539909?e=1637798400&v=beta&t=6_N0YmVM174eOqy1oxBKBM-FWzNehFiULTdgUp1nZZc

[Kikó]

Thanks for sharing my face.

[Manc]

What a beauty.

[Shindig]

Like a posh Guy Martin.

[Kikó]

That's Jack Torrence.

[Spikey M]

Wait until the baby turns up.

https://www.looper.com/img/gallery/what-shameless-fans-absolutely-love-about-frank/intro-1615834477.jpg

[randomlegend]

All parts of the face below the nose look like they are from a different photo.

[Baz]

Looks like he’s been force fed a full bag of Tangfastics, made to watch Norwich vs Burnley and been told if he blinks his wife will leave him for phonics.

[Don]

The size of that nose, could smoke a pipe in the rain :D

[Kikó]

The picture changes to your LinkedIn profile when you look at it.

[Dquincy]

Kiko, you look fine mate.

[Panda Bear]

why didn't your company provide you a proper headshot on a white background? why did you have to edit out the background yourself?! why?!!

[randomlegend]

Who cares.

[Kikó]

Dunno ask them.

[Spikey M]

why didn't your company provide you a proper headshot on a white background? why did you have to edit out the background yourself?! why?!!

If your employer is sorting out your LinkedIn profile for you then they may be trying to send a message. :(

[Lewis]

why didn't your company provide you a proper headshot on a white background? why did you have to edit out the background yourself?! why?!!

They did provide a proper headshot. He wore that coat on the first day and hasn't taken it off since.

[Panda Bear]

Who cares.you'd imagine people who post on linkedin

[randomlegend]

How many complaints have you had about your profile picture from LinkedIn users Kiko?

[Spikey M]

Atleast 1.

[randomlegend]

I don't think people who can't use capital letters count.

Then again perhaps they're all at that on linkedin.

[Panda Bear]

can't or wOn't

[Baz]

Do more people have a linked in profile, than not?

I really don't understand it. Like, I can't get my head around social media that's just about work stuff. Do people really like their jobs that much that they want to comment on conferences and lame workstuff while they're not at work? Is that what it takes to reach a certain level of paygrade? F that S.

I genuinely cannot get my head around it. If those of you who use Linked In, or at least have a profile you've filled in, please explain why and what you do on it.

[Pepe]

Isn't it just for recruitment? I do not know as I do not have one.

[Boydy]

Depends what field you're in, I suppose. I have one with no photo but my work history on it. When I'm looking for a new job, I turn the little "open to new opportunities" thing on and watch the recruiters come running.

That's all I use it for.

Edit: that sounds like such a dickhead brag. :kiko:
It's just what software is like though.

[Baz]

When I'm looking for a new job, I turn the little "open to new opportunities" thing on and watch the recruiters come running.And then what happens? I presume they can DM (RIP "PM") you and send you links to job advertisements, inviting you to apply? Or is it more forward/personal than that and an actual person is like 'so I see you worked for 3 years at...' ?

[Boydy]

They don't send you links for jobs to apply for. They'll have roles they're recruiting for (some of which the companies don't bother to advertise themselves or if they do they'll do it somewhere stupid and obscure). They'll call you up, have a quick chat with you (basically to gauge that you're not a complete bellend) then send your CV over to whatever they have that you said you'd be interested in and get you an interview. They can be useful in pushing salary negotiations and shit too.

They're pretty much all dickheads (they're essentially salesmen who make their money off commission from placing people in jobs) but they can be useful.

[Kikó]

How many complaints have you had about your profile picture from LinkedIn users Kiko?

Until this point...

They used to have a roaming photographer when we were in the office which could take one but I haven't worked in an office so used a picture when I was with phonics as then it reminds me of the informality of life.



Do more people have a linked in profile, than not?

I really don't understand it. Like, I can't get my head around social media that's just about work stuff. Do people really like their jobs that much that they want to comment on conferences and lame workstuff while they're not at work? Is that what it takes to reach a certain level of paygrade? F that S.

I genuinely cannot get my head around it. If those of you who use Linked In, or at least have a profile you've filled in, please explain why and what you do on it.

As Boydy says, Linkedin can provide a use from a recruitment pov. As much as this makes me sound like a :kiko:, you can use it to brand yourself to people who might employ you or look to employ you. It's a self promotion tool (which might not be that necessary if you have real skills like First Aid Champion or Mental Aid Superdog under your belt).

[Giggles]

Sticking up someone’s profile picture is a bit of a scum move but kiko probably doesn’t care so whatever.
LinkedIn is grand when you’re looking for something, more and more are advertising on it rather than job sites. Good for running a company page too, nobody even knew it existed before I took it over.
You have to ignore the news feed though as it’s gone into a complete Facebook style cesspit these days.

[Kikó]

Sticking up someone’s profile picture is a bit of a scum move but kiko probably doesn’t care so whatever.


I thought it was a bit off tbh.

[Manc]

Dont be fooled, Giggles. The posting of the picture was agreed in THE GROUP beforehand.

[Offshore Toon]

It's acceptable to browse LinkedIn during work hours and it has a chat function, so you can talk shit with mates whilst pretending it's work related.

Writing blogs is a bit much but I can see how someone might get dragged into it if they liked their job.

[Spikey M]

Dont be fooled, Giggles. The posting of the picture was agreed in THE GROUP beforehand.

Getting Pavel in to take the picture was the real genius of the move.

[Boydy]

It can be a bit like this sometimes:

https://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/a27RgvE_700b.jpg

[niko_cee]

:D

Is that a good or a bad thing?

[Offshore Toon]

Kiko probably isn't too far from using Giggles to write a post on strength and resilience.

[Kikó]

I just post pictures which say "double tap if you want something amazing to happen" to rack up those sweet sweet likes.

[Shindig]

Getting Pavel in to take the picture was the real genius of the move.

Nope. Pavel's gig photos were all in black and white. Mr. 'I can see colours better because I've got Aspergers' only does monochrome. :D

[Spikey M]

Kiko probably isn't too far from using Giggles to write a post on strength and resilience.

"As a young farm hand in rural Ireland, I never dreamed I could be more than a minor cog in the Farming industry, never mind a major cog in the worlds financial machine. Then one day my Da took me to the abattoir; I saw the stun guns and circular saws in action. it all clicked into place. I still use these principles daily."

[Offshore Toon]

:D

Not what I had in mind but I much prefer it this way. Someone Photoshop the Ireland flag in behind Kikó's mugshot so he can update his profile picture.

[randomlegend]

Until this point...

They used to have a roaming photographer when we were in the office which could take one but I haven't worked in an office so used a picture when I was with phonics as then it reminds me of the informality of life.




As Boydy says, Linkedin can provide a use from a recruitment pov. As much as this makes me sound like a :kiko:, you can use it to brand yourself to people who might employ you or look to employ you. It's a self promotion tool (which might not be that necessary if you have real skills like First Aid Champion or Mental Aid Superdog under your belt).

They have posters up at work asking people to apply to be "domestic abuse champions", which just sounds to me like the person who's best at domestic abuse.

[Ian]

Unfortunately Wullie beat you to it when this came up before with a better joke:


Being domestic abuse champion comes with a title belt that you have to threaten to take off.

[randomlegend]

I didn't make a joke.

[Spikey M]

Alright Dr Serious.

[Kikó]

HERE WE GO!
x

[Raoul Duke]

Dr Acula?

[igor_balis]

My mate has gotten proper addicted to it, it seems like he spends half his time posting shit like "wow yes this is really interesting @boring cunt original poster, I can see how important this will be for optimizing data analysis", to which they only ever like or put something like "yeah cheers mate".

He even posts his own shit like "here are 5 principles I follow on a daily basis to.." blah blah and I'm pretty sure his job is mostly fannying around on excel. Bit culty, but I can see how it would be useful if you're actively looking for work/employees.

[igor_balis]

Desperately trying to engage with LinkedIn influencers is probably even lamer and thirstier than those middle aged weirdos who use Twitter solely to post shit like "wow baby you are really gorgeous today" to random pornstars and bots.

[Offshore Toon]

My old gaff asked us to post stuff and also comment with that nicey nice bollocks as well. It was usually only the psychopaths and autists that actually did it.

[Panda Bear]

I thought it was a bit off tbh. shit. sorry dude.

[Offshore Toon]

Here's a pic of the new and improved Kikó anyway:

https://ctl.s6img.com/society6/img/veJn7yFmeRk3UvnYk4FWzVemUbY/w_700/prints/~artwork/s6-original-art-uploads/society6/uploads/misc/104f64b24b7942f690a364814744ee13/~~/st-patrick-leprechaun-with-cup-of-beer-and-cane-prints.jpg

#informalpint

[Smjffy]

Concentration face. :D


https://i.ibb.co/B49D5Px/Screenshot-20210925-220129-Whats-App-2.jpg


Today I had a spiced Tomato soup, Salmon with garlic/herb mash, courgettes, kale and a creamy white wine sauce, Lemon Sole with sauted potato, green beans and lemon butter, Sirloin with tomato, mushroom, peas and potato wedges and finally, my curry of the day which was meant to be a Madras but I fucked it, played with it, came up with something pretty nice tbh.

https://i.ibb.co/8MPfdYn/20210924-201103-0.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/R0FVFTg/IMG-20210924-WA0003.jpg

I'll take it to the food thread if need be but do throw out some ideas and I'll do my take on it for next week.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just had a cracking call from one of our semi-regulars, a guy who repairs boat engines and often orders parts from us. I've always thought he sounded a bit unhinged, but then a lot of these guys are, working stupid hours to put engines right. He wanted a cylinder head worth two grand, but he has five grand overdue for payment, so I said we couldn't sell him any more until he paid up.

He said listen, I'm having a tough time at the moment. I said well, I'm sorry about that, but... He said I've had a row with the missus. I'm living out of a hotel room. I said well, that sounds a pain, but... He said you know how it is, with women. I said not really. He said well, the problem is, my credit card's in her house, and I can't get in. I said can't you get her to send it by post? He said the problem is, she won't speak to me, and the police have been involved. I said the police? He said yeah, the police.

This went on for another five minutes before he got in a massive huff and put the phone down because I wouldn't send him a brand new cylinder head without payment.

[Pepe]

If you knew how it is with women you would've sent him the cylinder head for free.

[Ian]

Not sure if "the police have been involved" is part of his catch-all "You know how it is with women" (maybe it is always that way for him) or if he was just hoping at that stage you'd go "Ah, no further questions!" and send him the part at that stage.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm guessing that if he's the one claiming that the police have been involved then she might be the axe murderer of the pair, but you never quite know with these people.

[Ian]

"You kick in one door brandishing a baseball bat and 'er indoors gets all mardy and phones the law."

[Kikó]

Just had a cracking call from one of our semi-regulars, a guy who repairs boat engines and often orders parts from us. I've always thought he sounded a bit unhinged, but then a lot of these guys are, working stupid hours to put engines right. He wanted a cylinder head worth two grand, but he has five grand overdue for payment, so I said we couldn't sell him any more until he paid up.

He said listen, I'm having a tough time at the moment. I said well, I'm sorry about that, but... He said I've had a row with the missus. I'm living out of a hotel room. I said well, that sounds a pain, but... He said you know how it is, with women. I said not really. He said well, the problem is, my credit card's in her house, and I can't get in. I said can't you get her to send it by post? He said the problem is, she won't speak to me, and the police have been involved. I said the police? He said yeah, the police.

This went on for another five minutes before he got in a massive huff and put the phone down because I wouldn't send him a brand new cylinder head without payment.

:D

Heh.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

"You kick in one door brandishing a baseball bat and 'er indoors gets all mardy and phones the law."

Typical woman.

[Shindig]

I love the fact Jim gets all these. Hates the public but they pour their hearts out.

[Boydy]

In the office today for the first time at this job. Decided to walk in as it wasn't raining when I left the house but it started pissing down on my way and I got drenched.

Also not being able to vape at my desk is annoying.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Think people returning to offices will definitely produce a few of these scenes.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKH9ECC_Qa4

[Boydy]

The music in the office is starting to drive me mad.

I also miss the cat. :(