The All New Jobs Thread

[Lewis]

They can make people redundant, and, if my area is anything to go off, working from home has done a great job of showing who could be binned with no bother.

[Shindig]

I mean, we axed 30 in October and there wasn't so much as a squeak from PCS.

[Magic]

What are all these 'Customer Success Manager' roles all about. Fucking hell get a life.

Also if you have the word 'Champion' in your job title you're an absolute cunt (unless you're a sports person).

[Baz]

Although it’s not in my job title, I sign up for all that fluff. So not only am I a mental health first alder, I’m a well-being champion, employee champion, culture champion, and self-appointed spreadsheet bad boy.

[Ian]

I would not be even a little surprised if you had "Spreadsheet Bad Boy" in your signature.

[Raoul Duke]

With an affiliate link to buy Microsoft Excel

[Spikey M]

That was my joke you bastard.

[Giggles]

Mental health first aider :D

I hope that’s a joke.

[Lewis]

Do they have to approach Baz, or does he get deployed for a matey chat if somebody keeps coming in late?

[Shindig]

If today's anything to go by 2021 will be 2020 in fast forward. I do not fancy my chances of seeing this year out.

[Baz]

Do they have to approach Baz, or does he get deployed for a matey chat if somebody keeps coming in late?
Nah they seek me out. Prior to Covid there were posters up in each office building with photos showing who the MHFAs were in each building, so the person needing support can choose the one they like the look of. Now my mug is on the intranet homepage instead.

Nobody has ever approached me.

[Shindig]

I spent an hour on a learning course today that was the most Silicon Valley tech-bro dystopian approach to healthcare I have ever witnessed. Two case studies at the end were narrated by incomprehensible Indian doctors and more than a few questions in the assessment related to revenue streams.

Fuck this Earth.

[Kikó]

Had an internal interview today which I think went relatively well. I can fulfill my evil destiny by moving into the corporate bank.

[Pepe]

Semester started on Monday and we already have to go on FULL LOCKDOWN today due to a lot of the kids testing positive. :moop:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Our finance department (or the contingent working in the office) have all been wiped out by covid at the same time. Enter their sole home worker, a little old lady, stepping forward to do all their work at once.

I can feel the covid axe hovering now after nearly a year of coming into the office and not getting it.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Lol, the big boss just sent this email to all, in red capital letters:


I WOULD LIKE TO REPEAT ONCE MORE THE NEED OF EACH AND EVERY MEMBER OF OUR TEAM THAT WEARING A MASK IS OBLIGATORY WHEN YOU CIRCULATE/WORK WITHIN THE COMPANY
AS WELL AS KEEPING DISTANCE WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH A COLLEAGUE, WASHING HANDS REGULARLY IS ALSO A REQUIREMENT TO PREVENT THE VIRUS SPREADING.
WE ALREADY HAVE TWO CASES OF INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE BEEN TESTED POSITIVE AND I DO NOT WISH TO US TO ENCOUNTER MORE. YOUR OWN SAFEETY IS ALSO THAT OF ALL OF US.
TAKE GOOD CARE, FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND BE SAFE.

Or, mate, as an 82 year old, you could, maybe, perhaps, work from home.

[Raoul Duke]

Or, if you're 82, just not work at all? :cab:

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I love that he sent that all in caps.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Or, if you're 82, just not work at all? :cab:

Driven self made men are too arrogant to retire. His deputy is 80 in April.

[Raoul Duke]

Driven self made men are too arrogant to retire. His deputy is 80 in April.

Who's third in line for the throne? Could be decent odds if Corona croaks the other two

[Spikey M]

Probably Jimmy at this point.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Who's third in line for the throne? Could be decent odds if Corona croaks the other two

Those two are the ones who own it, unevenly, so at that point we'd probably be bought out by Americans and turned into a cheeseburger and fries factory.

[Baz]

A lad from work who started the same time as me, originally doing the same job but have gradually gone in different directions but still work together, was meant to be getting married last year but it got cancelled. He’s now [meant to be] getting married this August. His original stag do was in Benidorm, which I’d politely declined, but obviously got cancelled. Now the WhatsApp group has got active again and they’re on about going to a ”party house.” (https://www.partyhouses.co.uk/party-houses/hire-hamps-hall-barn)

Probably about 20 lads going, and they’ve come up with a price of £6045, so probably about £350 each after food and drink. Even though I would literally only know the stag, I’m pretty tempted to just fuck real life off for a weekend. :uhoh: Just gotta convince the missus, which is give about a 6% chance of getting a signed permission slip.

Not sure how much of a good idea it would be to drink copious amounts of alcohol with a workmate though. Fair enough for a night out where you can just scram when you’re hammered, but being stuck in a massive house with a drunk Baz is an experience and a half, that many would try to forget.

[Offshore Toon]

You should go. I doubt they're the judgemental type if they were planning on going to Benidorm. If it all goes terribly, just post coordinates and we'll get the van.

[Don]

Surely if it's a Benidorm crowd it's gonna be beers and bags all over the gaff. You may end up in the games room for the whole trip hating it.

I'm watching my binman in my street collate the bags in my streets into big piles in the snow as I wait for my kettle to boil and by Christ would I love that job. Walking miles, cleaning through physical labour. Real shame I earn too much to follow my dreams and pursue that career. Admittedly, it may not be as enjoyable in a baking hot summer's day if you can't strip off for fear of getting jizz on you.

[Baz]

Foe was a bin man for a bit. Said he got a cracking tan, so there’s another perk.

[Foe]

Fucking loved my job as a bin man.

Ran loads, got a great tan, felt like I was flying when I got lifted by the bin accidentally.

Did fall out the van once and nearly run over though, so there’s downside too. Also pay was fine for a student, rubbish as an actual job.

[Lofty]

Baz's colleague has done well to rearrange his wedding so quickly there, I have heard of people cancelling last year having to wait years before they can get it done now.

The bin man the other day actually returned my empty bin to the correct position under the carport on my drive which I was impressed with, usually they just lob the bastards in the general direction of your house round here.

Not to say I take issue with their laissez-faire attitude to refuse collection though, as they will chuck anything on the van. I have heard tales from back home that some authorities have their bin men now inspecting bins prior to taking them and sticking a notice on your bin without emptying it if it fails their criteria.

[Don]

They're seriously cracking down if the newly trialled policy in my brother's ends are anything to go by. His kitchen is basicaly an offshoot of the regional rubbish processing plant. Be surprised if they don't pay National Insurance contributions for him.

[Shindig]

I've never had that problem, even when the students have overfilled the bastard. I'm surprised they made the rounds today, too. Legends.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I feel a bit bad as the other week I forgot to take the bins out (for the third week in a row) so I went on the council website and reported that they missed it.

It was collected a few days later but I hope the crew didn't get reprimanded for my fuck up.

[Don]

You fucking hideous fuck. That is seriously disgraceful conduct.

[Lewis]

I don't think I've done it on this board, but if that doesn't deserve some negative rep then nothing does.

[igor_balis]

That's the worst bin behaviour since that woman in Coventry put the cat in one.

[Baz]

I’ve put all kinds in my wheelie bin. Always gets taken. Once had a solid iron thingy for keeping under a table that you put a parasol in, which nearly broke the wheels. Sure enough it went.

[Giggles]

I got a warning before for putting plastic bags in my recycling that was the neighbours. They got the video sent though and made sure I’d confirmation that I wasn’t warned because the next strike is a fine.

[Don]

CCTV of bin use misconduct. What a society :D

[Giggles]

The CCTV is there anyway, so I just needed to look back when I got the email.

[niko_cee]

Is this the same neighbour you have the ongoing parking war with?

Got to say, I'm a big fan of this narrative.

[Giggles]

No, the other side. Was the binmans fault really anyway. Next door left out their recycling wheelie bin and 2 plastic bags of recycling. The bags should never have went in but the binmen threw them in anyway, then loaded my bin, then their bin. Because my wheelie was scanned first I got the photo from the lorry camera of the plastic bags and told not to do it again in a snotty email.

The other ballbag didn’t appear this evening when I parked in front of his and they were out a few times handing back kids from their dodgy crèche. If it was me I’d have parked my other car there and left the driveway free but he’s the fur coat and no knickers type that probably thinks I should just show him the respect he thinks he deserves.

[Lofty]

Parking shithousery :drool: my neighbours opposite engage in this, they have two cars and oddly the only house on the street not to have a driveway, despite the fella's Ford Focus clearly being his pride and joy. They have always parked on the point of encroaching their neighbour's drive which wasnt a issue as it was some old fella on his last legs without a car. He died, new young couple are in and there is now a silent parking war in progress. Young couple actually knocked part of their own front wall down to ease access :D

[Shindig]

Just the two hours of nowt today. I can't see any scenario where we don't lay off dozens in the summer. All Covid's done is accelerate automation and it has royally fucked us.

[Queenslander]

White nonce millennial.


A Brisbane woman has appeared in court this morning charged over her involvement in a sexual slavery ring that was uncovered in Brisbane last week.

Police charged Hannah Stead, 23, with conducting a business involving servitude with a victim under 18 and unlawful prostitution.



https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-02-12/sex-slave-prostitution-charges-brisbane/13148998

[Jimmy Floyd]

Someone in our finance team is supposed to be isolating until Wednesday after a positive test last week, but he's decided to just come in today anyway because 'invoices need paying'. I love people, they're just swell.

[Shindig]

999's worth a call for that. If he wants an invoice paying, he'll have a fine to work on.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Big boss has locked him in the board room and made him take a lateral flow test which we apparently have lying around. I'm not sure how that's going to help, but whatever.

[Spikey M]

I would be grassing that up (and calling him a cunt) regardless.

https://www.police.uk/tua/tell-us-about/c19/v7/tell-us-about-a-possible-breach-of-coronavirus-covid-19-measures/

[Jimmy Floyd]

Not sure dobbing one's work in is a great strategy. My main concern is that I'll have to go to the warehouse toilet now, which tends to have recent poo on the floor, as our diseased fugitive will be using the nicer one upstairs.

[Baz]

Stop moaning if you're not willing to take the right steps to prevent it happening

[Jimmy Floyd]

Says the man who works for the public sector with the lovely cushy procedures, out here in the real world you have to look after yourself.

[igor_balis]

I don't blame you for taking the cowardly, self-preserving option, but at least take the L.

I do like how you've replied to baz in exactly the same way mark would to Jeremy when he fails to justify his own cowardly decisions. I'm even reading it in his voice.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Listen, Igor, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

[Spikey M]

In my head you've said that sat at the end of a long table and it's Igor's annual review.

[mo]

It's the time of year where I prepare for routine humiliation by applying for promotions at other schools, get selected to interview, then fail to get past the first stage. At least this time it'll most likely be remote and I can cry into my pillow straight away rather than having to wait while I drive home.

[Ian]

It took me until the back end of that to realise to that Jimmy was doing the Peep Show quote.

[igor_balis]

In my head you've said that sat at the end of a long table and it's Igor's annual review.

:D honestly I think I'd take it at this point.

[igor_balis]

In boring IGOR work news, at my previous place, right before I left the BIG boss (about 5 grades above me) told me:

"listen Igor, as you're leaving before the end of the year you aren't technically entitled to the yearly bonus, but you've been so brilliant since you came to my branch that I will MAKE SURE you get that bonus, leave it with me". This was in front of about 4 other managers as well.

I'm sure it will shock nobody to find out that I hadn't heard anything or received any kind of financial remuneration since that conversation.

I texted her today and basically got "lol talk to hr, who gave you my number".

I have already resigned myself to the fact the most useful thing I can do now is to reread Jimmy's most recent post in this thread, but it's annoying. Thing is, I'd have been fine with not getting my bonus, it's what I would have assumed would be the case. It's, obviously, the fact she got my hopes up for no reason. If I was even more feckless than I already am, I might have already spent that non-existent bonus. I'm sure HR will just lol at me and point the bit in the contract saying what I already know, and send my old manager an email saying "lol don't do that".

[Ian]

I wouldn't even bother getting in touch with HR.

I mean I suppose the worst case scenario is they also lol you off and you have the same amount of bonus as you do now but unless she's given you something more solid to go on than "She told me she'd sort it out" then you're basically just asking them for some money.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's wank, but you've got to build in a zero expectation around that kind of thing, no matter what people say and no matter how many managers are there when they say it.

[Foe]

If it’s not in writing you’re goosed.

Even if it is in writing, you’re still goosed if it’s not as per your contract.

Annoying.

[Lofty]

Yeah it is irritating that she said it but as said, a kind word is not worth the paper it's printed on.

[Kikó]

There's zero chance you're getting a bonus if you leave before it's due.

[Shindig]

The best you can hope for is some kind of internal fiddle like, "Well, here's your bonus in B&Q vouchers from the rewards scheme or whatever.

[Spikey M]

Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused. :happycry:

[SvN]

I had a close call with that yesterday. Was on a Zoom call chatting to the project team while waiting for the client to turn up. I said "It's 5 past and Brenda isn't here yet... You know, the thing..." and she piped up with "I'm here!". For some reason she was clipped off the screen. :D Thank God she interrupted me as I was about to slag her off for always being late.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Oh god, just reading that sentence makes me cringe to death.

[Raoul Duke]

A thing I read a while ago, which I'm paraphrasing: the rules of Zoom are the same as with guns: it's always loaded

[Spikey M]

I am more excited about a post-Zoom world than a post-Covid one.

[Giggles]

Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused. :happycry:

:drool:

[phonics]

Booked Thursday and Friday off. No reason. Just can't face it anymore.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I desperately want to do that but I'm holding out hope that my 17 days might go further in Q2, or 3, or 4.

[SvN]

I've decided to have tomorrow off. Likewise, no plans at all, I just can't do another day at the moment.

[phonics]

We get 30 a year and I have 10 from last year so it’s this or I wake up sometime in lockdown 5.0 with 24 days left in December.

[Don]

I'm preparing to book my entire year's allocation (short of that which I can carry forward + maybe a couple days for flexibility) for the latest possible dates. Quickly losing hope that it may involve some foreign sun, sea and whorehouses.

[phonics]

We have a mandatory 14 day in one go holiday which I’m saving for life being normal again.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just bore witness to a blazing row between the MD and the Logistics manager for basically no reason at all. I think everyone might be starting to crack.

[Luca]

Details, Floyd. Details.

[Boydy]

I've got four days carried over from last year that I need to use by Easter but sitting around doing nothing doesn't really appeal at the minute.

[Giggles]

My place is about a hair from a massive blow up. It’s been coming a long time and isn’t really covid related but I’m sure it’s not helping. I’m right in the middle of it too so I can’t wait.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Details, Floyd. Details.

Just your standard office row. 'You think *my team* just sit around doing nothing, don't you'? 'It's about customer outcomes, Sandra' 'And every time you come in here castigating us it means we can't get any more done!' etc etc ad infinitum, for no real reason at all.

We've been in full lockdown in the UK for 93 of the last 115 days, or something. I think moods are heating up.

[Baz]

I’ve been roped in to doing something that is not only not my job, but also something I give zero fucks about (children’s mental health) and it’s really taking all of my time. Thankfully by next Friday it will all be over and done with and I can get back to my actual job. In-between meetings about that, I’ve had my line manager on Teams crying cos something she spent ages writing was almost literally tore apart and is now not only dogshit but also factually incorrect (eg female contraception preventing STIs - proper basic knowledge fuckery) so she’s saying she doesn’t want her name going on it.

I wish everyone would just fuck off and let me slowly process invoices and give me the peace I need to make spreadsheets and do work that I want to do. :mad:

[Offshore Toon]

Why do you give zero fucks about children's mental health?

[Giggles]

Why would he when he doesn’t have any? Especially when most of it is just made up anyway.

[Spikey M]

He does have a kid. And all of their hobbies.

[Lewis]

Yeah on paper but they're not really. Being a doctor of mental stuff is like saying a bricklayer is a doctor of cement.

Still correct Giggles lad. :cool:

[Giggles]

I thought Mike was the one the kid.

[Giggles]

Still correct Giggles lad. :cool:

:lol:

[Spikey M]

I'd forgotten about that. :D

[Baz]

I thought Mike was the one the kid.I'll have a word with my wife, if that's the case.

And it's not that I go around hoping children are suffering mentally, it's just that I don't want to be doing Teams interviews with special needs children about them helping to choose the new provider of the local school nurse/health visiting service. That's not my job, and I don't want it to be. I'm a data nerd, not a warm and caring friendly face.

[Lewis]

Baz what is your job?

[Baz]

Baz what is your job?Budget Master and Spreadsheet Bad Boy for Public Health.

[Spikey M]

Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused. :happycry:

She's still going. 3 emails over night. One of which asking if I think that's an appropriate way to get my point across.

No, dickhead, I don't. Which is why I apologised for sending it to you in error and explained that the email was brief and factual as that is how my manager likes things presented to her. I would have wrapped it up in puppydog paper, with a pretty bow on top when it came to feeding the same information back to you, now fuck off.

[Offshore Toon]

Spikey resigning as a wage cuck in the most chaotic way possible. :drool:

[Spikey M]

Nah, it really wasn't that bad. It was just very to the point and without the platitudes you normally have to stitch in.

[Yevrah]

Just your standard office row. 'You think *my team* just sit around doing nothing, don't you'? 'It's about customer outcomes, Sandra' 'And every time you come in here castigating us it means we can't get any more done!' etc etc ad infinitum, for no real reason at all.

We've been in full lockdown in the UK for 93 of the last 115 days, or something. I think moods are heating up.

They definitely are. I'm dealing with auditors at the moment as happens at this time of year and while that bit is absolutely normal, the assessment of the market and future trading offers a wonderful opportunity to crow bar in how no one will be going abroad this year. They know they won't full well already, but emotions are so heightened at the moment I can see the remaining life ebb out of people every time I mention it.

It's like a long haul flight when the first 10 hours were ok, but the last couple are interminable. Made all the worse by the fact we don't know whether it'll be two hours to go, four hours, six hours, or any other amount of hours.

[Lofty]

How many more online spankings is she going to give you?

[phonics]

Somebody couldn't be bothered to do their work yesterday and so now I can't go on holiday.

[Manc]

Fortune 500. :drool:

[phonics]

Lol, nothing actually gets done at those kind of places. You could not show up for months and still hit your stock price (because the entire stock market is a fix) I’m long gone from there.

[Lewis]

I'm filling a job application in for a job I don't really want but think I could use to shakedown my current one for more money, and this new 'name blind recruitment' seems pretty stupid. Explain how you have the skills and experience for this job. Following that, in place of a CV, explain how you have the experience and skills for this job. Then, without giving your name and age and cock size away, give us a personal statement telling us about your experi-skills. After that, fill in the behaviours section with examples of your skills and experiences. I did have to do one of these last year, but that was a fix for the job I already had, so I never had to do it properly. What the fuck is this meant to achieve?

[Spikey M]

experi-skills :sick:

[Lewis]

I made that word up. But still. My account actually de-activates tomorrow, so I've tipped them off that I'm applying so they can notify me if I get an interview, which will mean having to identify myself anyway. Dominic Cummings wouldn't stand for this.

[Shindig]

Had a minor new job chucked at me today so that might solve the 'fuck, there's no work' problem.

[Pepe]

What the fuck is this meant to achieve?

Equity mate, equity.

[Spikey M]

I need to start looking for a new job. This one is making me crack, I think.

Logged in to find an "urgent call back request" because someone has messed up whilst setting their standing order up. What do you want me to do about that exactly? You have all the info, you know how and where you messed it up, call the fucking bank. :cab:

[Offshore Toon]

There's no better feeling currently than when a meeting ends and you have nothing else on for 2-3 hours.

[Shindig]

I still feel like I'll get pulled up on it. I've only got one training course left and it's the horrendous bollocks about company structure.

Companies of the world: Don't narrate your powerpoints with text to speech robot bollocks. People don't pay attention to it.

[Baz]

Smashed through a load of work that had been piling up and I was starting to dread sorting out, in about 2 hours this morning. Feels good man.

Now I’m in a fake meeting while I take a bed down and put up a newer, bigger one. :moop:

[Raoul Duke]

There's no better feeling currently than when a meeting ends and you have nothing else on for 2-3 hours.

I raise you: a meeting ending early and then nothing booked in for the next few hours.

[Don]

Last Friday was meltdown stuff. This Friday started off so busy that I've had to postpone what I planned to get done for another day to allow me to enjoy my Friday afternoon as it they are meant to be.

[Kikó]

Blocking time in the calendar so it looks like you have meetings :drool:

[Spikey M]

I'm always very busy and very unavailable after 2:30.

[SvN]

Out of the last 12 working hours, I've spent 9 of them on Zoom calls. Absolutely horrendous, I don't know how people do this regularly.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just now I took my 8,000th call of the day in the office, it was some cad-sounding English tosser abroad who said he wanted to speak to a particular manager who is in the office. Not knowing who he was and not wanting to transfer any old cunt to a manager, I said 'Sure, what was it regarding?' He said 'What?' I said: 'What was it regarding?' He said: 'I don't understand.' I said: 'What was your call regarding?' At this point he started to get seriously frustrated/flustered and said 'Just put me through! Put me through!' until eventually I did.

This follows on from a work-from-home colleague shitting herself with rage yesterday after I put 'What did you need?' in the chat, having missed a Teams call from her. This was apparently very rude of me.

Am I losing my command of language, or is everybody else collapsing into insanity around me?

[Giggles]

Rude? She needs a good slap.

[Jimmy Floyd]

So rude that her first response was 'Wow.' Either I'm having a breakdown or she is.

[Don]

I can see how she may have read "what did you need?" as a little abrupt and I can see how absolutely lacking in such intent it may have been from your tender fingers. This is where sweating it out drafting every message to any one who I've yet to get sexually intimate with pays dividends, especially in a culture of soft shites becoming softer by the day.

"Hey Laura, sorry I missed your call earlier, can I be of any help now cutie? Hehe :)"

[Giggles]

“Too busy for idle chat. State your requirements. Be brief”.

[Offshore Toon]

I tend to overdo niceties in emails/Teams as it balances out my lack of enthusiasm for anything work-related. Or, thinking about it just now, it might make me seem like a psychopath.

[Boydy]

Any missed calls get responded to with a "what's up?".

[Boydy]

Although I think people should not call you out of the blue and should message you on Teams/Slack/whatever before calling to make sure you are free.

[Giggles]

My boss got on to me the other day because some equally weak minded cunt complained because my voicemail basically says leave a message or I’m not ringing you back.

[Shindig]

Nowt wrong with that. How else will you know what they're after?

[Giggles]

Bingo. Fucks over all those hidden number cunts too.

They’re just like every other customer. Think your whole work day amounts to sitting by the phone just waiting for them to need you.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My absolute number one shithead customer is a guy in Castlebar who rings up and then says 'I'm just popping down to the shop, hold on there', or if he's already in the shop, randomly breaks off for another conversation with someone there whilst he's supposed to be talking to me. The other day I was quoting him for parts and he fucked off mid-call to start giving someone directions, which gave me a nice insight into how Irish people give directions, apparently in terms of folk memory rather than actually having road names, postcodes or addresses.

"You know the road where the old filling station was. No, the old road. You turn left by the barn and go up past Joe's mother's place, all the way until the brick bridge that the new road runs across. Then it's down a lane behind the white wall until you get past the field of horses and Frank Molloy's is there on the left. No, the old filling station, not the new one by the pond..."

And so on for about five minutes until I start going HELLO! HELLO! down the phone to get him back.

[Luca]

Although I think people should not call you out of the blue and should message you on Teams/Slack/whatever before calling to make sure you are free.

Yep, that’s the one. Calling out of the blue is entirely poor form.

[Giggles]

:D That’s absolutely bang on to how it’s done here @Jimmy Floyd (https://www.thethirdhalf.co.uk/member.php?u=111).



https://youtu.be/-kxyA32dZ-A

[Ian]

That is a decent bit ruined by an astonishingly shouty man.

[Giggles]

That is a decent bit ruined by an astonishingly shouty man.

That was the bovinity tour, I remember going to a couple of those shows and he was coked off his box for them. He’s a quiet thoughtful chat show host now :D

[Manc]

Why is he dressed like Mickey from Snatch?

[Spikey M]

It's my favourite (work)day of the year today. They've run a report that requires me to resolve a load of tasks. I can do this by highlighting the lot and clicking "complete". 250 tasks performed today. 500% of my average.

Anything new on Netflix lads?

[igor_balis]

I only know the extension of one random bloke in the company so if I ever get a random sales call from some Indian call centre etc I just say one second please mate then transfer it to him every time. Sorry John.

[Baz]

Well tomorrow’s the big day - the culmination of hundreds of hours of work, for some random civilians to “interview” a potential service provider.

Except the rest of the providers dropped out cos there’s not enough money, so they’ve got the contract anyway and it’s all a POINTLESS WASTE OF TIME. :mad:

At least I can go back to doing my actual job on Friday.

[Spikey M]

Current watching our weekly team meeting / video chat and my unstable manager that we have long held suspicions about is very clearly drunk. This is amazingly awkward. :drool:

[Spikey M]

And... our hour long meeting has just been ended by her manager after 14 minutes. :lol:

[Shindig]

Excellent. :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

Let's hope she doesn't drive off a California highway any time soon.

[Offshore Toon]

This has easily been the least productive week so far. Luckily, the one meeting that requires any real work from me keeps getting pushed back. I've also got THREE annual reviews coming up with my parent company in the run-up to handing my notice in. I can't decide whether to hand it in early to avoid the bullshit, nod along as if everything is fine (and help come up with a training plan for the next year) or try and give the impression that it looks like I'm off but undecided. There's a bonus on the line in next month's pay, so it really is horrendous timing.

[Ian]

What determines the bonus? Is it managers' discretion or based on quantifiable performance stuff or something else?

Because I think I'd rather put my notice in than waste my time with the performance reviews and a training plan you're never going to do.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Things have slowed up here and I've basically given myself the week off. Absolutely cruising it, answer the odd email when it comes in, do the odd quote, and there's no one in the office to see me chilling. I deserve it.

[Offshore Toon]

What determines the bonus? Is it managers' discretion or based on quantifiable performance stuff or something else?

Because I think I'd rather put my notice in than waste my time with the performance reviews and a training plan you're never going to do.
It's in writing and based on past performance so I'm fairly certain it's solid. The company treats employees well so I'd be surprised if they took it away.

[Raoul Duke]

Normally you won't be eligible for the bonus if you're on your notice period

[Offshore Toon]

Yeah, that's the worry, but I've looked through my contract and employee handbook and there's nothing in there that would support them taking it off me.

[Don]

I've been supporting another team with a project involvìng shit I had no prior knowledge on since May, fighting raging fires with a water pistol that I got free from a xmas cracker. Was only meant to be for a few months. They're now looking to offload the resident guru who runs the whole show's role and responsibilities on to me till at least September as he is moving. The proverbial music has stopped and the shit parcel is firmly within my grip as I had feared it may. A braver man would tell them to fuck off but my morals are too pristine and my balls too small.

[Lewis]

I'm getting a departmental laptop. We can't use them for our current roles, but they follow you through the civil service, so at least if I get a different job down the line I'll have a massive out of date computer to haul around.

[Offshore Toon]

Instead of toying with my bonus, I'm going to ask for a career break. It would be a better option all round for me and one I think they'd consider. If they don't agree, then they'll have to take part blame for me leaving. Easy.

[randomlegend]

I had some issues with locum payments so they sent me a list of all the shifts they'll be paying me for next payday.

One of them they'd processed as 10 hours when it was 8 hours (completely their fault, I've checked the timesheet I submitted and it's correct).

I did the right thing and pointed it out and they told me it would be "easier" if I find a way to do the extra two hours so they don't have to correct it :D

Needless to say I will not be doing that.

[Don]

Go join Mahow in the morally corrupt corner, please.

[Baz]

I got granted access to some “restricted” early-bird data yesterday and I’m jizzing at the prospect of looking through it. :cool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

55 minutes into the week, already want to napalm France and then all my colleagues, in that order. Fucking workshy cunts.

[Jimmy Floyd]

From the CEO


Good morning,

I will check the AG and confirm when finished.

Hope you had a good weekend in spite of the cricket, but did you see Fulham beat Liverpool 1-0 at Liverpool!!!!

We've never previously talked about football, only cricket and golf. Has he confused me with someone else? Does he think I'm a Fulham fan? Do I have to style out being a Fulham fan for the rest of my working life in order to avoid embarrassing him?

Why does sporting banter have to happen in the first place?

[SvN]

You only get one chance to correct him - otherwise, you're a Fulham fan for life.

[Pepe]

"Crazy! Good/bad that my boys at Chelsea won/lost against whoever."

You're welcome.

[Don]

Isn'the just commenting on a noteable event? In case you weren't aware, WE'RE FUCKING MASSIVE.

[mo]

Yeah surely if he assumed you were a Fulham fan, he wouldn't ask if you'd seen it.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I think you're right, actually. Shame, I enjoyed my couple of hours among the, er, lilywhites (?) faithful.

[Lofty]

He probably thinks you're that guy who was snapped cutting a victoria sponge in the stands at Craven Cottage, Jim.

[niko_cee]

I think you're right, actually. Shame, I enjoyed my couple of hours among the, er, lilywhites (?) faithful.

They're just The Whites aren't they, if being a Cottager isn't your thing.

I always thought 'lilywhites' was Spurs, or that shop in Piccadilly which I'm sure either no longer exists, or exists only as a vassal state in Mike Ashley's retail empire.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The latter, I think, and it's rubbish. Sporting goods in the UK can now only be bought from 'if you know, you know' type underground shops, the rest just want to sell you basketball trainers and Nike headbands.

[Offshore Toon]

Been told today that a request for a career break is very unlikely to get turned down, so that's good. I also found out that I've received "very positive" feedback from my current client which is genuinely ludicrous. It's quite clear that nobody has a clue what's going on.

[Shindig]

Regularly running out of work before 3pm. Grim.

[Ian]

Made a minor balls-up at work which I've now fixed and I doubt the customer will even have noticed but the worst thing isn't that I fucked up but that the initial moment of "Oh no what have I done" might be the most I've felt anything in months.

Might go for an even bigger mistake just for the rush.

[Spikey M]

Slippery slop. He'll be murdering by May.

[Ian]

You'll be first if you call me a slippery slop again.

[Spikey M]

:D ffs

[Jimmy Floyd]

I get that. The little adrenaline rush to your stomach of 'Oh no, I've fucked it'. Moreish as fuck.

[Shindig]

I like those ones where your mistake gets compounded by someone following it up with a mistake of their own. My two weeks off work started 3 hours early. We didn't run out of work but only by virtue of the systems being completely bricked.

[Baz]

Couldn’t be arse faking some meetings every afternoon, in case someone rang me, so I’ve booked off four and a half days next week to watch the horse racing. Got loads done yesterday, so just have to log on on Monday morning to sort out little bits and set my out of office. :youpi:

[Spammer]

Someone's been in touch saying that they've been a victim of abusive behaviour in a group session that I was facilitating.

Asked for clarity on what they're referring to, and was honest in saying that I've not experienced anything anyone's done/said as being abusive. There's been conflict in the class, but conflict isn't abuse.

Bit stressful though, people reckoning they've been abused by someone and I've just sat there and done nothing. Not a good look, and it's a bit worrying that that idea might be getting floated about. Didn't sleep much last night and it's been on my mind a lot today.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Properly struggling in the office today as the thermostat is at a woman-defined level on what is a pretty warm day, it's absolutely roasting. My version of everyday sexism is seriously resenting the so called 'fairer' sex (could have fooled me) for their inability to deal with even slightly cool rooms.

[Spikey M]

Properly struggling in the office today as the thermostat is at a woman-defined level on what is a pretty warm day, it's absolutely roasting. My version of everyday sexism is seriously resenting the so called 'fairer' sex (could have fooled me) for their inability to deal with even slightly cool rooms.

I've had an entire year without hearing the "you can put a jumper on, I can't take my clothes off" arguments. A win for Covid Britain.

[Foe]

My gaff did a big restructure recently and it’s an absolute clusterfuck.

I’m about 3 months in and I’ve realised I’ve somehow picked up two jobs. Rather than supporting one platform, I support two completely independent, platforms with their own issues.

Got so frustrated last week I debated just quitting but realised over the weekend it’s just a job, and not a career now.

Told my line manager exactly that today. Personal wise if I’m doing two jobs I shouldn’t be doing it at my current level, but business wise it really should be two jobs to do the intent justice.

Of course every company webcast you listen to screams and shouts about the success stories of this restructure.

[Don]

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2021/mar/23/citigroup-ceo-ordains-zoom-free-fridays-to-ease-relentless-pandemic-workday

Ford offering WFH to 30K employees is an interesting footnote I'm yet to read up on but the Citi gyal's comments hit home after what's been a busy period at work. I'm lucky that I work in the public sector so the pressure is only self-imposed but in a proper work environment, it's easy to see how even the average employee could quite easily lose their heads.

The WFH revolution is a given, Zoom-free Fridays are a nice taster but keep your ears to the ground chaps because 37 hour weeks are going to be lolled at in the very near future at this rate.

[Shindig]

I work 37.5. I've been living that for a decade.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Trust me, the quicker you all get back to the office, the better. Once I get in my car and drive home, no one can touch me. There's work, when I'm at work, and then there's life.

[Spikey M]

I have not done one second of work outside of my contracted hours.

[Shindig]

Same.

[Ian]

Yep, same.

But then I don't work for a mad, backwards twat like Jimmy does, I can totally imagine that he'd be going "Well if you're at home and work from home then why can't you do stuff for me whenever I ask?"

[Jimmy Floyd]

Depending on your job/industry, the leakage will be real (I say anecdotally from people I know).

[Baz]

Trust me, the quicker you all get back to the office, the better. Once I get in my car and drive home, no one can touch me. There's work, when I'm at work, and then there's life.

I get this feeling slamming my laptop shut at bang on 4pm everyday, and am already at home with my slippers on.

[Spikey M]

I'm sure there are jobs and industries where eating in to your own time is the done thing, but alot of the time it comes down to how much of a soppy bollocks you are. My Mother in Law often sits at home doing her "essential learning" and "catching up on emails" because she "just doesn't get a chance at work".

Well, fucking lol at that. If I don't have time during my working hours then it isn't getting done.

[Kikó]

I try to keep to 830-530 days but it's not always possible.

[Lofty]

Mine is more there are core hours outlined but as a 'manager' with the various perks that provides (which there are many to be fair) we are expected to go above and beyond to ensure things run smoothly when needed. I am doing more than I ever did when I was commuting, 25 hours overtime in 4 weeks is 'quiet' at the moment.

[phonics]

Need office back soon. Someone messaged me about something at 9pm last night. I made sure to click on it so they got the little ‘this person saw your message’ marker. And then ignored it.

[igor_balis]

When I stacked shelves on the night shift at Asda, if anyone called in sick etc the section leaders were basically obliged to come in and cover their shift. Section leaders earned about 50p an hour more as well. 9 months in that job doing 25 hours a week made me lose my mind slightly, when I go in for fags pissed up at 1am on a Friday 75% are the same people, 7 years later. And plenty are full time. Pure desolation.

[Lofty]

I know a lad who has been doing that for as long as I've known him, 35 and spends all his free time gaming - except when his mum tells him his tea's ready.

[Kikó]

We all know Mahow mate.

[Lofty]

:D

[Boydy]

As if Mahow has a job.

[Mellberg]

Mine is more there are core hours outlined but as a 'manager' with the various perks that provides (which there are many to be fair) we are expected to go above and beyond to ensure things run smoothly when needed. I am doing more than I ever did when I was commuting, 25 hours overtime in 4 weeks is 'quiet' at the moment.

So long as you're getting paid it's fine. I'm a manager and work long hours if required, but never for free.

[Don]

When I stacked shelves on the night shift at Asda, if anyone called in sick etc the section leaders were basically obliged to come in and cover their shift. Section leaders earned about 50p an hour more as well. 9 months in that job doing 25 hours a week made me lose my mind slightly, when I go in for fags pissed up at 1am on a Friday 75% are the same people, 7 years later. And plenty are full time. Pure desolation.

I ain't having no one knock supermarket night shifts on my watch. Manual labour and music :drool: if only it didn't destroy your health.

[igor_balis]

I ain't having no one knock supermarket night shifts on my watch. Manual labour and music :drool: if only it didn't destroy your health.

I dunno, I did headphones for my stretch and my limited Spotify offline playlist led to me actually thinking they might be giants were really good

[igor_balis]

Pretty good salary bantz today. Me and two others basically all started at the same time, all D grade, all with "_____ support officer" job titles, same place on the hierarchy. Me and matey are on 21k and we assumed our colleague was on the same, and she revealed today she's on 24. I mean, it is what it is and I understand they're entitled to pay people differently and all that shit, but it's quite funny that she initially applied for the same job as us two, got rejected cus she didn't have enough experience, then suggested to apply for the other slightly different role, which she'd be more suited to. I know it isn't QUITE as simple as this, but part of me is like yeah if I'd realised they were about to advertise a slightly better paid job I'd have fucked up my interview and got that one instead.

[Baz]

If you don’t mind your job, do your best to forget the conversation ever happened.

[Don]

Gender paygap innit.

The management and organisation is on my current project is non-existant so no one has clearly defined roles and besides the shit that causes on a regular basis, there's a lad who must now have sat in on approximately 25 hours of calls over the last 5 weeks without saying a single word. At £30 per hour, it's a quality gig.

[Shindig]

If you don’t mind your job, do your best to forget the conversation ever happened.

This. It's not my money or decision so being irritated or surprised by other people's salaries is fairly pointless. On the subject of bottom lines, I apparently still had overtime coming through on this month's payslip. I haven't done any since January. Awesome.

[Foe]

You want to see people pissed off about income, force them off of a final salary pension scheme.

First time I’ve read yammer in 3 years and let me tell you, the drama is exhilarating.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This is our first morning of full staff back in the office and back to smart office wear (we've been casual for the last year).

Loving it.

[Lofty]

Are you lording it over the furlough plebs with a dickie bow?

[Spikey M]

The top bods announced a 1.5% raise today. Basically inflation. Cheers lads.

[Jimmy Floyd]

One of them asked if I'd received 'recognition' for 'sticking it out'. I just lolled. The answer's yes.

[Lofty]

:D

No recognition for sticking it out in my spot, I could've stayed in Ops chain eating takeaways whilst shielding at home on full money and no work.

[Baz]

I’ll have you know, those of us fighting the good fight at home are also sticking it out.

[Spikey M]

I’ll have you know, those of us fighting the good fight at home are also sticking it out.

Working from home and protecting the NHS. One day we will get the recognition we deserve.

[Ian]

Return to the office. Protect our Pret.

[Manc]

Absolutely no idea when I'm due back. Don

[Jimmy Floyd]

You can laugh all you like at Pret and its stupid overpriced sandwiches, and pots of granola that cost three quid, but their young, diverse workforce won't be 'working from home' any time soon. I suppose you could redeploy them all on Deliveroo mopeds and really crush their dreams while still bringing the middle class the disappointing food they need.

[Ian]

Mock Pret? Never.

In fact I'm going to start a campaign that we clap for Pret.

11.37 every morning so the time of the tribute matches the price of one of their bacon brioches.

[Baz]

I don’t even really know what Pret is. I’m only presuming it’s that Pret A Manger place but I’ve never been to one and don’t know what they even sell. Is it just like Costa?

[Spikey M]

Adapt or die bishes. #Capitalism

[Manc]

Isn't aware of Pret, doesn't wank in his loft. Give up.

[Don]

Yeah, no sign of a full return yet. I suspect it will come closer to winter. Lunches out in a sunny packed London square full of tings everywhere, it's days like this that we really need to mourn over.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I would be disappointed in Pret if they'd gone anywhere near St Helens. I think the map of their outlets scans directly onto the Remain voting map.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I love a Pret.

[Spikey M]

Be gone scrounger.

[SvN]

Full office back today seems mental. None of the guidence changes indicate that working situations should change at all.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Self made men are above the guidance. If you've made a few million and employ 60 odd people then why should you give a fuck what the government say.

Same reason they all dodge tax, I think.

[Lofty]

Full office back today seems mental. None of the guidence changes indicate that working situations should change at all.

My wife's spot has had a full office since the end of last summer.

[igor_balis]

When I went back to Liverpool for graduation my mum and her weird boyfriend came. I obviously went out and got smashed with the handful of mates I'd made, and was desperate for a disgusting fry up the next morning, and DAVE insisted on us going to pret. Vivid memories of sitting on some bench pecking at a pastrami on rye as I tried not to shit myself.

[Spikey M]

I just took a call for a colleague that's off sick and I hope he's fucking terminal because it's ruined my week.

His tenant moved into one of our properties at the start of March but hasn't been able to get her stuff moved from her old property because she's shielding and can't have a load of removal men around her. She's now "spitting with rage" because the council won't pay both lots of rent for her and there's "nothing she can do about it".

Well, you could have thought about that beforehand... and you could have waited for there not to be a pandemic on... and you could just sit in the garden while they move your stuff in... but yeah, other than that you're blameless.

Fuck me.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Isn't shielding over now?

[Spikey M]

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-56584380

Today apparently. Not that it will make any difference to her.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My Sister moved whilst shielding. She'd either be in a different room or outside in the car when the movers were around.

[Spikey M]

I suspect the difference here is that your sister is willing to shoulder some of the inconvenience in an inconvenient, but necessary situation.

[SvN]

Reminds me of a friend of mine that complained it was impossible to lose weight. Told him to start with small changes that make a difference, such a cutting down drinking, using low fat marge instead of butter, eating fruit instead of biscuits/crisps as a snack, etc.

"But I like them."

Oh, alright then, as you were.

[Kikó]

:D Bloody fat people.

[Boydy]

Fruit's a fucking con tbf. Bought some apples recently thinking they'd be a healthy snack but they're like 70 calories for a small apple.

[Spikey M]

Nobody in the history of time got fat on apples.

[Don]

Your mistake there is thinking calories aren't a con.

[Offshore Toon]

The hard part is just finding good quality fruit/veg. Supermarkets should have to pay a fine for every bit of manky produce found. Even Waitrose over here has been a shambles recently with manky fruit everywhere. Give me Aldi any day of the week.

[Jimmy Floyd]

70 calories is nothing, right? My sandwich at lunch (BLT) had 561. I'd have to gorge myself on 8 juicy Braeburns to reach that number.

[Yevrah]

70 is fuck all. Doesn't the average human burn over 2,000 a day sat on their arse?

[Spikey M]

2500 for a man, 2000 for a woman if I recall.

1200 for a Boydy.

[Ian]

Reminds me of a friend of mine that complained it was impossible to lose weight. Told him to start with small changes that make a difference, such a cutting down drinking, using low fat marge instead of butter, eating fruit instead of biscuits/crisps as a snack, etc.

"But I like them."

Oh, alright then, as you were.

It's possibly I've told this story before but a guy we went to uni with one day came with us to the union for lunch. Had the sort of stodgy fare that was usually on offer. So for the sake of argument like lasagne with potatoes or steak pie and chips or whatever. He had a big helping of pudding which was usually some sort of sweet pie or cake with cream/custard/ice cream, and was washing this down with a bottle of Irn Bru.

He then went back and got himself an apple and we asked why after all that he was also having an apple. "Well, I'm starting a diet" came the response.

Turned out he genuinely thought you just added fruit to whatever you normally eat rather than actually replacing something with fruit.

[Spikey M]

That's like the girl I used to work with that pretended she thought the moon was just the sun at night time. I say pretended, because there's no way she actually thought that. For some reason, some people just think it's cool to be thick.

That has to be the case here. Nobody could possibly believe that's how it works.

[Ian]

Did any of you ask her how eclipses were supposed to work?

[phonics]

Sorry... Lasagne AND potatoes?

[Spikey M]

Did any of you ask her how eclipses were supposed to work?

That's how she "found out". People were talking about when the next eclipse was, she pretended she didn't know what one was and then pretended to think the sun and the moon were the same thing.

The office had a book of "Choeism's" where they collated all the totes hillair things she used to say.

I hated that cunt.

[Ian]

I can't say I've ever encountered somebody doing stupidity for attention to quite that extent (well, not in real life anyway) but it's impossible to believe she'd really got to whatever age she was still thinking that.

[Spikey M]

I can't say I've ever encountered somebody doing stupidity for attention to quite that extent (well, not in real life anyway) but it's impossible to believe she'd really got to whatever age she was still thinking that.

Indeed. Other "CLASSICS" include "are there different types of Cow like there's different types of fish?" then pretending not to understand the difference between a "breed" and a species.

And

Wondering how they baked crustless bread.

[Don]

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2021/mar/31/pwc-uk-staff-split-office-home-working-covid-crisis

First credible mention of VR headsets I've seen. All is on track.

[Lewis]

Reminds me of a friend of mine that complained it was impossible to lose weight. Told him to start with small changes that make a difference, such a cutting down drinking, using low fat marge instead of butter, eating fruit instead of biscuits/crisps as a snack, etc.

"But I like them."

Oh, alright then, as you were.

Were you testing him before letting him in on the slimline Pizza Express pizzas?

[Boydy]

70 calories is nothing, right? My sandwich at lunch (BLT) had 561. I'd have to gorge myself on 8 juicy Braeburns to reach that number.


70 is fuck all. Doesn't the average human burn over 2,000 a day sat on their arse?

Yeah but you can have some bags of crisps for about 90 so fuck apples.

[igor_balis]

Yeah I mean when counting calories, it's more about doing things like picking the 250 calorie 'lighter' egg and cress depression sandwich over the blt, and not drinking alcohol and other shit things like that than pissing about with what snack you have.

Much more effective to be generally strict with portion sizes at dinner and the main bits of your meals. When I lost a bazillion stone a few years ago I found letting myself have a chocolate bar and a bag of crisps or a few pints when I fancied it made it a lot easier to stay motivated having cous cous every day for lunch, and having 75g of pasta instead of 100g etc is a piece of piss anyway.

[Boydy]

I want the most bang for my buck with every calorie I have.

Fuck apples.

[Lofty]

Yeah that's bollocks, she sounds thicker than our fit grad girl from a while back who was genuinely an idiot coasting on her attractiveness. She once took a call and decided to spell something using phonetics for clarity, except she didn't know phonetics (literally a daily usage in our industry, a tested requirement in some roles) so just freestyled it, much to the amusement of those around her. N for Netflix and S for Simpsons were highlights.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I panicked and did M for Motel once. A low point.

[Ian]

I can top that I reckon. I did N for Nike when on the phone to the bank. Though I suppose that was at least a personal call. Was M for Motel for personal or work reasons?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Work, to a customer. I corrected myself to Margaret. It's a bad letter.

I just tried to read them all out from memory, A-F fine, then for G I went Gangrene. What is going on?

[Ian]

Gangrene. :D