The Cricket Thread

[John Arne]

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2021/dec/22/england-batsmen-forced-to-rewatch-wickets-in-post-adelaide-ashes-debrief

For the umpteenth time: Why is this happening now?

We've been making the exact same mistakes with myriad different batsmen for years.

When I first saw that, my immediate reaction was 'surely, they do that after every game'...

[Jimmy Floyd]

'Brutally honest' in their world probably means Thorpe looking at his feet and saying listen boys, we need to execute our plans.

[Ian]

That sounds about right, Jim.


When I first saw that, my immediate reaction was 'surely, they do that after every game'...

I increasingly, genuinely think that the tone is probably much more "We need to try and reduce these unfortunate things that keep happening to us :(" rather than "Listen up, fuckos why do you keep failing in the exact same ways?"

I can't remember who I was talking to recently but I was talking about this with regard to both the England test side and the current United team, that there just seems to be an enormous lack of personal accountability. That comes from leadership, which we lack. And if all these conversations really are just happening now rather than after every one of the recent abject performances then fucking hell.

[Luke Emia]

I see a bit in there about Buttler speaking up but he is one of the most culpable. That innings he played on the last day should be something he should be attempting more regularly. If you don’t think you can always score just block. Put overs in their bowlers legs it will make a world of difference to how the tests play out.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Blocking in Australia is very tough going. It's also what you have to do. It's what Cheteshwar Pujara did brilliantly, against a tidal wave of scorn, in their series win there last year.

You do it for two overs and the Australians are already twitchy. The commentators will be saying you need to be more POSITIVE and LOOK TO SCORE. Australians absolutely despise passivity and anything they see as defensive or underhand. It runs against the very core of who they are. This is exactly why you have to do it. Stop their macho momentum and you can get a foothold in the game. Go toe-to-toe on their terms and you will be thrashed out of sight with relentless ease. New Zealand will always be thrashed by Australia (certainly away) because they're too similar to them.

The last England team to win in Australia did so because Cook and Trott were prepared to bat for days and didn't care about LOOKING TO SCORE. That Australian side wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. We made them look worse because Cook and Trott ground them into the dust from the second innings of the first game. Kevin Pietersen doesn't realise this even though he was next in to bat after them.

Hameed has the mindset but currently not the full range of technique. I liked how he batted in the first Test, even though it was only a couple of 20-odds. Even then you could sense Australians straining to despise him because of how English he was being in mindset. This is what you want them to do. I hope with stick with Hameed. He played a shit shot in the last game.

Douglas Jardine is my hero and our greatest ever captain.

[Ian]

I remember the Liew bit about Rohit / India ahead of their last tour saying they basically spent weeks/months ensuring their players were in the test batting / English conditions mindset. We're still a bit fixated on taking what works for our short-form terms and trying to crowbar it into the test plan.

[Max Power]

The data stuff is definitely more useful in short form cricket which is quite regimented but we seem desperate to bring the fabled models into test cricket and I don’t think it works it’s a completely unique game.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Even in T20 it grinds my gears a bit. Our balcony holding up those absurd massive number cards to denote the correct 'matchups' while New Zealand slotted us for 40 an over at the tail end of that semi-final.

[Max Power]

Yeah I guess more the “left hand batter hitting to short side vs leggie” left arm over vs some guy who can’t hit through the off side type thing as joining a few dots or having a 25 run over is the game in that form. Doesn’t translate to Tests.

[Max Power]

Been put in to bat at a damp, overcast MCG. Go to bed if you haven’t already and sleep off all the food. This will be brutal.

[Clunge]

Game over. Series over.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Don't think there's a setnence more terrifying than 'Australia won the toss and elected to bowl'.

[Waffdon]

Me and Jimmy would be a better opening batsman than these jokers

[Waffdon]

David Gower being a second ahead of the pictures is very fucking annoying

[Ian]

Yeah as I was getting home last night remembered about this, checked that it was already 4-1 and noped my way to bed.

[niko_cee]

Again totally forgot about this until the morning update. lol.

Not brave enough with the ball again. :nono:

[thommo]

Covid case in the England family group. Call it off and declare the series null and void.

[Luke Emia]

Yeah null and void is the only way forward. If we can’t field our full team who is to say that we wouldn’t win the next 14 days of cricket. Or we could just do an India.

[Waffdon]

Steve Smith looked like he was sniffing more powder than usual today. Wasn’t half jittery

[Jimmy Floyd]

Jimmy Anderson has never been better than this, which is ridiculous.

[Byron]

So, is it still the bowlers that are the problem Joe?

[hfswjyr]

Is this potentially the least competitive Ashes series in living memory?

[niko_cee]

Probably, although I think quite few series were done early doors through the 90s and the last few down there have been pretty one-sided. Until 2005 the best we could hope for was a first test ambush before the slow grind to defeat, and that only happened once IIRC [Edgbaston]. The 2006 5-0 was the only one which was weirdly competitive given the outcome.

[Jimmy Floyd]

13/14 was ghastly but probably still not as inept as this.

[Ian]

Jimmy Anderson has never been better than this, which is ridiculous.

Hasn't it been one of Root's best years as a batsman too and (partly because of Root the captain) it's all getting pissed away with this rabble?

[Cord]

I think I started watching about 2001(ish) and this feels different to all the others. We've been plenty crap before, but you always felt that we at least had a few players who on their day were capable of scrapping with the better teams. This batting lineup is so far off the required quality that it just feels totally pointless. You go into the day expecting most of them to score 7, and that's exactly what they go ahead and do every time.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It feels to me like they don't want to be there on any level.

[Waffdon]

Why is Joe Root even the captain? He looks like he’d get ID’d for buying a lighter for his candles

[Gray Fox]

Wasn't it because he's about the only one that isn't Anderson, that's guaranteed to be in the team?

[Cord]

Pretty much all the captains since we got half decent again in the early 2000s have just been pick the best player, other than Strauss I suppose. I guess that means Stokes is guaranteed it if Joe packs it in.

[Ian]

Near enough.

We need a new captain, pick the best batsman, regardless of whether he's shown any gumption or not.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Stokes would be such a bad choice on several levels.

How much money would it take to get Nasser Hussain out of the TV studio to run everything? 8 bajillion pounds? Good value imo.

[Ian]

Stokes is exactly what they'd do, they'd go "Ooooh he does all those heroics, captaincy material!" but it would just end up with Stokes being annoyed as fuck wondering why he's literally the only one who ever does anything like that.

If Buttler is fucking undroppable (UNLIKE HIS CATCHES AMIRITE) just give him a go as the captain.

[Cord]

Burns captains his county doesn't he? I think I'd just make him do it on the basis we've tried every other opener in county cricket and they are all worse than him.

This is on the basis that I'd be replacing Buttler with Foakes for reasons of sexiness.

I might consider giving it to Denly.

[Luke Emia]

Stokes would be such a bad choice on several levels.

How much money would it take to get Nasser Hussain out of the TV studio to run everything? 8 bajillion pounds? Good value imo.

He’d go in like a torpedo it would be glorious.

The bowlers must be seething, at no point have they let them massively get away from a total the England batsmen shouldn’t be able to get near and yet we are so, so far away it’s unbelievable. Suppose the only thing is that at least one of the 4 down was Leach and the two in are Root and Stokes which gives the hope of some kind of miracle.

Realistically two totals of 250 in this game and they would be well in it. That really shouldn’t be that hard.

[Ian]

Burns captains his county doesn't he? I think I'd just make him do it on the basis we've tried every other opener in county cricket and they are all worse than him.

Does he also still partner Stoneman? If poor old Hameed gets the chop I'd give that a go as a pairing ahead of sodding Crawley.

Is Burns any good as a captain at county level?

[Jimmy Floyd]

He captained us (Surrey) to the title in 2018, though he was assisted by having a few weapons such as a full season of Morne Morkel. I think Burns the batsman at county level works well because the ball is 80mph and he has the time to get his various moving parts in sync, against 90mph bowling it isn't so pretty.

From what I know of Burns the bloke, I would have doubts - bit precious. Buttler my first choice for captain, let him bat 6 or 7 with no gloves.

Opener is a bit of an issue, there are loads of number 4/5s coming up but very few openers. Would stick with Hameed personally and pair him with whoever's in form. Alex Lees seems to have had a second lease of life at Durham.

[Waffdon]

If Root or Stokes are bowled out before 50/60 they’ll struggle to even get Australia back into bat.

[Waffdon]

Over within 40 mins

[Max Power]

Root looks in lovely touch again. Excited to see when he gets out trying to run one down to third man.

[Ian]

Over within 40 mins

It's alright, the goose was basically cooked on about day two of the second test. Everything since has just been an exhibition in how hard this rabble can show themselves up.

[Waffdon]

Over within 40 mins

Christ, won’t be far off this. They’re actually not even going to put them back into bat :D

Fuck me

[Cord]

Quite possibly about to lose by an innings with the opposition having scored 267. Lol.

[Waffdon]

Imagine letting Queenslander go 5-5 against you in his debut

5-6

[Ian]

Quite possibly about to lose by an innings with the opposition having scored 267. Lol.

The real tragedy of this is Jimmy is probably too jaded to give us Jimrage part 3.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The worst thing about this utter disgrace is that they can blame it all on Covid/bubbles, when I'm sure we'd have been just as pathetic in any case.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I looked up on statsguru to see if we'd ever had a defeat in which the opposition scored fewer runs than this, only to find that yes, we had a far, far worse one THIS YEAR.

https://www.espncricinfo.com/series/england-tour-of-india-2020-21-1243364/india-vs-england-3rd-test-1243386/full-scorecard

We are absolutely fucking terrible at cricket.

[Ian]

Christ. :D

I'd forgotten that.

[Queenslander]

Imagine letting Queenslander go 5-5 against you in his debut

5-6

My medium pace pies would have bagged me a double hat-rick.



“There’s Still Time” Whispers 32-Year-Old Park Cricketer Watching Scott Boland Nab A 6fa On Debut


https://www.betootaadvocate.com/sports/theres-still-time-whispers-32-year-old-park-cricketer-watching-scott-boland-nab-a-6fa-on-debut/?fbclid=IwAR0z9MhJzVCGK0lRud--KSPEd2ZCDG6jf_e1CE5qU36cte5Vn7zjzNN7QqA

[Queenslander]

Apparently England haven't won a test here in 4008 days.

[Kikó]

68. What a shambles.

The bowlers need to improve.

[Queenslander]

You blokes need an aggro dickhead as coach may suggest Boof?

[niko_cee]

Pfft. 6-7? The guy's 32. Washed up!

[Kikó]

54 ducks this year. Jesus Christ.

1475627425472024577?s=20

[hfswjyr]

Stokes is exactly what they'd do, they'd go "Ooooh he does all those heroics, captaincy material!" but it would just end up with Stokes being annoyed as fuck wondering why he's literally the only one who ever does anything like that.

This was my exact thought when we put McCullum in charge, but he turned out to be a legend who changed the way our whole country saw and approached the game. Kane has carried it on.
(And maybe you do just need a kiwi in charge?)

[Ian]

Can we borrow Kane Williamson for a test drive?

[Luke Emia]

There is a special ability within this England squad that even when your expectations are low they can lower them. I thought surely from the position we were in we could at least make them bat again. But no, not even close.

[Max Power]

Silverwood’s interview is beyond parody.

[Ian]

What's he giving it?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I think one of my favourite cricket stats ever is that Jonny Bairstow, in the last 2.5 years, averages five on balls that would have (or did) hit his stumps. FIVE. And he's in our national cricket team as a batsman.

[Ian]

:D

That's incredible.

[Ian]

1475620065609453569

In all the pathetic losing I forgot he'd got another ball to the danglies.

[Queenslander]

Word on the street is that Langer will be gone by March with Punter to take over the Test team and another bloke to run the 20/20 team.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Bangladesh leading by 73 (and counting) in the first innings away to the World Test Champions is a bit of a turn up. If they follow that up with a win and South Africa win this game vs India, the mighty three lions will then be bottom of the World Test Championship :cool:

[Ian]

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/02/englands-zak-crawley-confident-in-no-fear-approach-before-fourth-ashes-test

Yeah, Zak, an average of 10 from 16 innings. Very misleading.

[Ian]

Assistant coach Graham Thorpe will lead England in Silverwood's absence and described Broad, England's second-highest Test wicket-taker, as a "caged tiger".

"I've been in contact with Spoons [Silverwood] throughout regarding team selection, as well as keeping him in the loop with what's been going on, but obviously myself and Joe Root are here on the ground," he said.

"We're looking at the surface and assessing our bowlers coming into it. From that point of view, it felt a bit of a risk going in with a couple of guys carrying niggles so it was right to bring Stuart back in.

"I've got a couple of caged tigers coming into this match, Ben Stokes being one of them. Stuart is another."

Caged tigers. Great. Series is still gone.

[niko_cee]

Caged more in the awaiting humane disposal sense, sadly.

[igor_balis]

Spoons

[Danny]

1478217663478444033

:lol:

[Jimmy Floyd]

Spoons

Every time any bullshit like this from the 90s comes up I end up going back to watch that doc that Sky did about the '93 tour of India, just absolute carnage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhLGAY1mtXE

Then I think how much fun all that must have been compared to whatever mundane skill-executing they are doing behind the scenes now.

[Max Power]

Bangers on the verge of a famous win.

[hfswjyr]

I don't think we've played particularly poorly (maybe some questionable batting), but Bangladesh have been very good this match. Especially given the away conditions for them.

[Jimmy Floyd]

From what I saw, their batsmen were incredibly patient first innings, which is exactly what you have to be on those decks. Too many Test teams now will just launch the bat at one and give it away in such circumstances, which is what Mominul actually did in the end, but their ability to soak up balls was far greater than normal.

Haven't seen much of the bowling.

[igor_balis]

I was enjoying the ZA India highlights then switched to BT sport to see...er... the Australian players laughing at an impassioned speech by an aboriginal man? Hm.

[thommo]

Haven't seen much of the bowling.

Ebadat Hossain was very good in the second innings. Lovely spell at the end of the 4th day, targeting the stumps.

[Ian]

Rain isn't any use to us now, Australia, ffs.

[Dquincy]

I think one of my favourite cricket stats ever is that Jonny Bairstow, in the last 2.5 years, averages five on balls that would have (or did) hit his stumps. FIVE. And he's in our national cricket team as a batsman.

Can someone tell me what this means?

[Jimmy Floyd]

If you take all the balls bowled at Jonny Bairstow in the last 2.5 years that would have hit his stumps, and exclude the ones that wouldn't have, his batting average in Tests is 5.

[Dquincy]

Thanks.

[igor_balis]

He freaks me out

[Jimmy Floyd]

I can't tell if Moeen knows exactly what he's doing here, or if it's all in complete innocence. Either way... :D


1478562879305654278

[Ian]

:D

[thommo]

3rd ball duck today for Rishabh Pant.

Any guesses as to how he was dismissed? :D

[Danny]

Caught spooning one in the air "setting the tone"? Ill go with mid on.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Sallying down the wicket like a horny Sir Galahad.

[thommo]

He didn't manage to get good enough contact Danny, but he definitely gave it his all. :D

Jimmy is correct, it's almost as if he doesn't how to bat a situation.

1478677962002247681

[Danny]

That’s glorious :lol:

[Ian]

I liked the bit I saw of whoever BT's cricket presenter is going "Well Broad often reacts to adversity so maybe leaving him out paid off??" or something to that effect.

I get that you're probably being told to pretend this match matters, I get that you're probably just reading off an autocue, but c'mon mate. We're 3-0 down.

[Ian]

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/05/giless-scattergun-broadsides-suggest-a-man-who-has-gone-as-far-as-he-can


There was a prickliness to him that occasionally burst into the open. Like the time he marched into the press box in 2007 and confronted a journalist who had teased him in print for having the “temerity to remark that Tendulkar’s batting prowess had waned a little”. Giles didn’t like that at all. The journalist explained he was only being ironic. “What’s irony?” Giles shouted.

What? :D

https://www.espncricinfo.com/story/the-temerity-of-ashley-giles-610165

[Jimmy Floyd]

I remember him having a hissy fit about 'Wheelie bin', didn't know it was Hopps that coined it, thought it was Blowers on the radio.

He came under heavy fire after the first Test of 2005 (which we lost, at Lord's), think he's had a chip on his shoulder ever since.

[Ian]

I might just start shouting WHAT IS IRONY? any time I'm a bit miffed.

[Jimmy Floyd]

South Africa 33 runs away from knocking over the billionaire boys at the Wanderers and we will be bottom of the WTC. Our lowest point in the format since 1999.

[Kikó]

It was quite nice watching a team being able to bat. South Africa actually waiting and being composed instead of wafting.

[Ian]

But.... what about all those delicious deliveries well wide of off-stump?

Do they just let them go?

Disgusting. Not in the spirit of things at all.

[Queenslander]

I just found out that the English set up doesn't use a selection panel.

Surely that's mental?

[Queenslander]

Tough knock by Bairstow.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I just found out that the English set up doesn't use a selection panel.

Surely that's mental?

We did until earlier this year when Giles inexplicably gave Silverwood full control.

[Queenslander]

Mental.

[Ian]

Waking up just in time to see Bairsy securing his place in the setup for the next decade. :sick:

[Kikó]

How the hell did Stokes leave the ball, let it hit the wicket and the bails not fall? Amazing.

[Luke Emia]

Broad's interview yesterday where he basically called the batsmen a bunch of cunts was glorious. It very much feels like he's throwing the towel in at the end of this tour and heading off to the Sky studio.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Broad is made for punditry. Absolute natural.

[Ian]

Yeah and if he's prepared to slag off his own team now then you'd think he should really be happy to open up as a pundit rather than the usual thing of people being too worried about upsetting The Lads.

[Ian]

Was just looking to see how long it's been since England were good enough and cared enough to sweep in a series of more than two games. There was a Sri Lanka one in 2018/19 that we won 3-0, before that you have to go back to 2011 for this:
https://www.espncricinfo.com/series/pataudi-trophy-2011-474459/match-results

Four declarations in the series? Us actually enforcing the follow-on?? What a time to be alive that must have been.

[Kikó]

710/7... Woah.

[niko_cee]

England rarely get clean sweeps in series because cricket in England is fundamentally unpredictable, a toss here, some overhead conditions there all make for much more competitive series. Hence, other than the rain, it being the best place for cricket to be played.

[Jimmy Floyd]

2011 vs India was carnage. They turned up off the back of a World Cup win with captain Dhoni not giving a single solitary shit about being there, and Ian Bell ran riot.

Really the 'doos' series and retirement of Strauss was where it went to shit after a basically very successful period 2003-12.

[Ian]

Even Eoin Morgan got a century.

[Waffdon]

2011 vs India was carnage. They turned up off the back of a World Cup win with captain Dhoni not giving a single solitary shit about being there, and Ian Bell ran riot.

Really the 'doos' series and retirement of Strauss was where it went to shit after a basically very successful period 2003-12.

Haven’t recovered since the greatest off all time in KP got thrown out

[Jimmy Floyd]

Would say that's a bit of a red herring, by that stage he was coming to the end anyway.

We had a really good 7 man batting lineup and only replaced 1 of them (with Root).

[Ian]

Yeah when I was looking through the scorecards that there were big scores from all over the batting line-up was the thing that really stood out.

[thommo]

Considering I went to bed absolutely SEETHING at 36/4, I'm pleasantly surprised to wake up and see some fight from the middle and lower order. I was fully prepared to come on here and blow my top, that opening session was somehow the worst of the tour so far (or at least it felt that way).

[Ian]

It's fair to say that it being 3-0 has seen me waking up the last couple of days legitimately not caring either way. Yes it'd be nice to see some backbone and whatever but these are dead rubbers (sorry, I forgot all-important WTC points) and anything anybody does here when the series is done comes with an asterisk.

[Ian]

Bairstow also blocked out comments from one rowdy supporter in the member’s stand who shouted: “Take your jumper off Bairstow, lose some weight Bairstow, you’re fat.”

Bairstow fired back with “Pal, that’s right just turn around and walk away,” before his abuser and two others were ejected.

Top level bants all round there.



How the hell did Stokes leave the ball, let it hit the wicket and the bails not fall? Amazing.

I've just seen the clip of this. No idea how that was given or how anybody but the bowler (who I can allow when you've just come off a seam delivery might just be trusting what he's heard) have thought that was out. It was nowhere near his pad and I don't think it was even a deceiving angle.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's prompted his high holiness SR Tendulkar to tweet his belief that the law should be changed for that to be out anyway. Never in the field of human conflict has a man with so many Test runs been so wrong.

[Ian]

This is what happens when you let such short people play cricket.

[thommo]

It's prompted his high holiness SR Tendulkar to tweet his belief that the law should be changed for that to be out anyway. Never in the field of human conflict has a man with so many Test runs been so wrong.

What a surprise, an Indian ex-cricketer with a truly awful take on Twitter.

[thommo]

Top level bants all round there.

I just watched the clip of this and Bairstow does add "Weak as piss" at the end of his retort. Does that count as "winning" the bants?

[Waffdon]

Pretty sure England have done this every single morning after a decent end to a day. Not that it wasn’t to be expected of course. Pure sexual cricketing on show from Mr Broad with them lunges and swings

[Ian]

England aren't capable of carrying on from the previous day, decent or otherwise. It's a fact. Anything less than a couple of wickets lost in the first four overs is a result.

[Waffdon]

Does Steve Smith have ADHD or just snort a bag of coke before every batting display?

[Waffdon]

Hameed is going to get 100 here. I have faith.

[Ian]

Played, Waff.

[Waffdon]

I meant Crawley.

Hameed is absolutely useless, isn’t he? :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

He'll go well in Asia and some English grounds, but anywhere with bounce he's going to struggle.

[Ian]

He's an English batsman in Australia, of course he is.

Not a chance we're salvaging this.

Any chance.of rain?

[Queenslander]

Hameed is one of the most limited batsmen to tour Australia in recently memory.

Useless in the field as well.

[Ian]

Bit underhanded of Australia to keep putting the ball exactly where Crawley wants it so he piles on a score in a losing effort, gets picked again and they can lol him to death in the next test.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He needs a big hundred here, or to bat until tea, or something that demonstrates mental fortitude. We know he can play nice shots for a bit. We need him to make the next step. He's done it once in his career (vs Pakistan) to date. If he does it again here and then again in Hobart then he might be worth persisting with.

[Waffdon]

I think I’ve seen Hameed’s two edges (dropped catch and wicket) over 100 times now on replay. More so the dropped one than the wicket. They must hate Carey over in Australia

[Waffdon]

That’s annoying. That was beautiful delivery, mind.

[Danny]

That was nervy as fuck

[Kikó]

Honestly thought I'd wake up to 160/170 all out.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Fuck you Australia, we'll have you next time.

[Ian]

Maybe with another two tries left we'll manage a score of more than 300.

[Danny]

NZ chucking Ross Taylor the ball to take the final wicket in his final test (3 wickets @ 16 in 112 tests) was lovely to see.

[Ian]

I saw that and thought it was pretty cool.

I also heard the other day that Jimmy (Anderson, not Floyd) is just 15 runs away from being the record number 11 run scorer in test cricket. :drool:

A couple of swashbuckling 8s in the next test would be grand.

[Danny]

12 of them being reverse sweeps, obviously.

Though I am sure it’s time for Jimmy to “rest”

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm pretty certain he'll go past Warne's wicket record and, as absurd as this may sound, I wouldn't quite take Murali's off the table either.

[Ian]

You think he's got enough years/matches in the tank for that? Seems a big ask even allowing for the fact that he looks after himself well.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If it's left to his devices, I think he'll go on basically forever.

[niko_cee]

I love these sort of stories. (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/cricket/59945356)

From your various dispatches about club cricket Jimmy I assume they are still a thing, but I always wonder if it's something our younger players actually miss out on, as they're probably mired in academy structures from a young age and so don't get a chance to go out and play at that sort of level either here or abroad.

[Jimmy Floyd]

There are a fair number of English players who go and play Aussie grade cricket. Tom Lammonby is there at the moment for one, Ollie Pope went a couple of years ago too. Countless others at am level albeit you need to be able to pay for it. They do play club cricket here albeit it's all very managed, i.e. I get a call from Surrey every week telling me if our young Surrey keeper is allowed to take gloves or play at all.

My lot actually played at Sandwich last year after inexplicably getting quite a long way in the national cup, and there was a framed Labuschagne shirt on the wall. They said he had popped back a couple of times when in the country, too. It's a nice tradition of exchange. I've got a guy coming over from Manly this year.

[Ian]

I've no idea if it's as easily explained as it would be with the football pyramid but what level is your team at, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Each county has its own league system, generally with divisions of 10 teams. The Premier Leagues (top tier of each county) are generally proper hard cricket with a smattering of pros and the very best amateurs. You come across some good players there, Adam Zampa's been there, Ajaz Patel, there was an India A player there last year. We're in the third tier in Surrey, albeit Surrey is a strong pyramid, so we'd be top flight in many smaller counties. My task is to try and get us into the second tier or even first tier with basically no resources - you have to develop players from within or pick them up from other local teams, which is harder to do than it is in football as cricket has a much more family feel. We have four XIs for which I'm the chair of selectors. I also umpire in similar leagues, so basically spend the whole summer immersed in the game.

It's quite fun, some of the time.

[Ian]

So given some of the teams you brush with are there times you get absolutely fucked over by some young player and can immediately tell they're going to be a bigger deal? And as with football / any other sport I suppose, ones you assume will be and then you never hear of again?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Yes, both. We had a very entertaining game some while back when we were at home to Ashtead, who brought a teenage Dom Sibley along. They batted and when it was rained off after 32 overs, Sibley was 133 not out and well on course for a championship record. Still, a draw's a draw.

And yes, for every god-like talent that makes it there are 20 who don't and end up either singing for their supper or going down in a ball of flames.

[Ian]

That sounds like a very Sibley-esque strike rate...

Do you get the thing you hear about with football where some mid-50s ex-Premier League (or whatever) rocks up to turn out for a Sunday league team and is superior to those around him by many orders of magnitude while barely even trying?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm not aware of many ex-pros who still play at club level. Club cricket is a bit of a slog in the sense that it's a dawn till dusk activity, you have to be fully invested in it.

Michael Carberry did randomly show up in our league at one point a couple of years back, which was a bit of a panic inducer, but he didn't last long. The danger is when you happen to play against a club who have a couple of pros who can't get in the county XI that week, or when the Blast is on the red ball only players stay in nick by smashing your attack of gardeners, students and management consultants into nearby gardens.

[Ian]

India / SA hasn't been a very high scoring series so far, eh.

Though one of them has beaten 300, the sort astronomical score England can but dream of.

EDIT: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/12/100-innings-facts-jos-buttler-not-test-batsman-england-ashes

Some interesting bits and pieces in here though nothing revolutionary.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Both of them have really good bowling attacks.

[Ian]

It amuses me when old sports grounds have really shit sponsorship names appended to them so I pleased to spot there the game is taking place at 'Six Gun Grill Newlands.'

The Hamilton Academical stadium is currently the 'Fountain of Youth Stadium.'

[Jimmy Floyd]

212 South Africa's target to win the series. Should be a cracker.

[Ian]

Yeah, I'll stick this on for a bit. How long is left of today? Couple of hours?

[Jimmy Floyd]

We're after tea so guess it's about that.

Feels a bit like Elgar is the game.

[Ian]

How deep is the Saffer batting line-up? I feel like this could do with another quick wicket to keep it interesting but it's hard to say.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Not very deep. Rookie keeper at 6 and inexperienced all rounder at 7. It's the sort where if India get a few quickly they could rattle them over. On the other hand, it isn't that many runs. Quality stuff.

[thommo]

I hear the Indian team threw their toys out of the pram because of DRS? :drool:

[Danny]

I was just reading up on it on Reddit. It’s great. So much seethe :drool:

The comments on sky’s tweet and then Supersport’s (the shadowy figure behind editing the DRS obviously) tweet are great,

1481665997211844617

1481655175018209280

[Waffdon]

Does the 5th test start in 4 hours or Saturday morning?

[Danny]

In 4 hours.

[Jimmy Floyd]

In four hours.

[Waffdon]

Class. My body is ready for a Hameed 8 (67). If he’s playing right enough

[Ian]

Did Australia all turn up pissed or something?

EDIT: I've just seen Labuschagne's wicket. He's definitely had half a case of VB before getting his pads on.

[Ian]

I hadn't really ever noticed how quiet Buttler is for a wicketkeeper until I heard Billings here.

[Ian]

You love to get up having missed the good stuff and settle in as Australia start to score for fun.

Strong away Ashes energy this morning.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Starting to think Mark Wood is more wishful thinking.

[Ian]

As in, not as good as we'd like to think he could be?

I reckon he's a great change of pace but not up to being one of the main men.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Yeah, as in, like Buttler's batting, he looks like a great bowler in theory but is he really. He clocks on the speed gun and has bowled the odd dangerous spell, but is 34.5 average and 62 balls per wicket what it needs to be? I'm not sure it is. Those are the numbers for a bit of a luxury pick.

[Ian]

I didn't realise his average was that high. Yeah, that's a bit of a worry if he's the best option for that role.

If everybody was fit but Broad and Anderson retired to go and live in the Maldives together tomorrow what do you think our bowling line-up would be? I assume Archer and Robinson, would Archer's presence mean Wood was then deemed surplus to requirements for pace or d'you reckon they like him enough that they'd keep him in there anyway?

[niko_cee]

Wood has always had terrible stats and in the end they are fairly representative of bowling skill/ability.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I think he'll always be in their thoughts as long as he's bowling 90+ mph, as we don't have many of those.

I think at home it would be Robinson, Archer and Woakes maybe, or *insert good county seamer here*. Away from home is the bigger issue as Woakes and the county mob kind of go out of the window and you're left with people like Olly Stone (always injured) to provide the PACE. If I were in charge I would pivot to accuracy with the seamers and then pick Matt Parkinson to attack.

[niko_cee]

Has BT ever televised an English test win?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Meanwhile South Africa seem to be cruising home against India, in a game which will always be remembered for this picture of an unhinged Kohli ranting into the stump mic after a DRS review didn't go their way:

https://voiceaajkal.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/kohli-696x392.jpg

[Waffdon]

220/5 with Warner/Khawaja/Smith getting a combined 6 is some going

[Ian]

Meanwhile South Africa seem to be cruising home against India, in a game which will always be remembered for this picture of an unhinged Kohli ranting into the stump mic after a DRS review didn't go their way:

https://voiceaajkal.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/kohli-696x392.jpg

What? :D

[thommo]

This was the DRS seethe from yesterday. :D

Just glorious stuff once again from the plucky Indians, fighting against a whole country and the cheating broadcasters.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Just seen 'Ravi Shastri' trending on twitter after India's loss (in his first series after the sack).

How funny would it be if England appointed him. I'd be ride or die behind that.

[Ian]

Is there a proper video of Kohli shouting at some wood? All I've found googling for it are a series of stills with people talking over it in whichever of the Indian languages it is they're using.

[Danny]

1481655808827953152

[Ian]

The king of seethe.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I love the way he starts walking away and then goes back for another bite.

"And here's another thing..."

[Kikó]

Jesus Christ. That Malan wicket is so fucking stupid.

[Kikó]

The commentator joked about avoiding the follow on earlier. It looks like a challenge now.

[Ian]

Thank God 'Spoons' gave them all those HOME TRUTHS a couple of tests ago now. It's really sharped up our batting.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I saw Rory Burns run out 0 and didn't bother to read the rest of the scorecard.

[Ian]

I've no idea why Crawley called for that run but Burns didn't exactly seem to bust a gut to get there either.


Jesus Christ. That Malan wicket is so fucking stupid.

It's not the first time he's got out chasing some shit down the leg side this series, is it?

[Ian]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/cricket/59999080

Kohli stepping down as test captain, eh.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I fought the stumps and the stumps won.

It seems he has been the target of some kind of putsch enacted by Ganguly and others in the last few weeks, not sure why this was necessary with them riding high in all formats but that's India for you.

[hfswjyr]

Who's the heir apparent?

[Kikó]

Only 267 left until we win!

[Kikó]

Highest opening partnership of the tour!

[Queenslander]

How good are green tops!

[Waffdon]

Top order collapse incoming

[Jimmy Floyd]

Looks like I spurred Mark Wood into action.

We should win from here.

[hfswjyr]

Despite not being competitive in the previous games, winning a test in Australia is still bloody difficult and should be commended.

Let's see if I've jinxed it.

[Waffdon]

Cameron Green is very, very good.

137 all out

[Jimmy Floyd]

Regardless of how the result ends up, we've shown fight in thse last two games which is a big improvement. Normally our Ashes tours go in the other direction.

[Ian]

Nice one, Stokesey.

[Jimmy Floyd]

FFS Stokes, compulsively hooking with two men out. Do these people never think about just letting short balls go by? They literally can't get you out unless you let them.

[igor_balis]

When they were saying we were ahead on winviz, I absolutely would have put ££££ on us losing if I had been arsed to remember my online gambling login credentials.

[Ian]

Does Winviz take into account specific teams or is it a pure 'from x position an average test team should win y% of the time"?

And there goes the game.

[Waffdon]

Regardless of how the result ends up, we've shown fight in thse last two games which is a big improvement. Normally our Ashes tours go in the other direction.

:D

[Kikó]

Theyre so thick.

[Ian]

Love that Pope moved into a such a position that the ball ended up deflecting behind him and still hit his middle stump.

The fucking state of some of these batsmen we fall in love with.

[Waffdon]

England have like 3 good enough batsmen. Scary scenes.

[Kikó]

The lack of care in maintaining their wicket is staggering. What an absolute shambles of a team.

[thommo]

Once Root was gone, I don't think anyone could be genuinely bothered. Rather be all out tonight and get on the plane home than drag it out another day.

[Waffdon]

Cameron Green is very, very good.

137 all out

Just shy. Good enough effort, if only Burns defended that final ball before tea. Might have reached 180

[hfswjyr]

Wow. Can't buy a win or a draw, even when handed on silver platter.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm ambivalent about getting rid of Root as captain (he's crap, but there isn't anyone obviously better) but they definitely need fresh thinking in the management and probably a big strong figure (which Root isn't).

Short of my Ravi Shastri dreams being fulfilled, Gary Kirsten or Micky Arthur would be good choices.

[Waffdon]

1482675728470921220

That’s great

[Luke Emia]

England have like 3 good enough batsmen. Scary scenes.

Optimistic. They have one and even his purple patch seems to have ended.

[Ian]

Stokes is a good batsman. He doesn't convert into big scores often enough to be considered top level purely on his batting but really he's there because he's the only batsman other than Root who you'd turn to if you needed some unlikely heroics.

No idea who the third is though.

[Kikó]

I thought Crawley looked ok in both innings. Maybe that's it?

[Luke Emia]

Crawley looked ok. But, when he's played well he hasn't converted and that is an issue he seems another who will make a nice 20 or 30 and then find a way of getting out.

I love Stokes but he looked very under-cooked in the series.

[Ian]

I thought Crawley looked ok in both innings. Maybe that's it?

Returning England Batsman Shows Promise is not infrequently the thrust first headline.

Returning England Batsman Still Shit After All Lol is invariably how it turns out.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm now watching the under 19 World Cup and we've just bowled Bangladesh out for 97. I'm going to pretend this is the real Ashes.

[Luke Emia]

I'm now watching the under 19 World Cup and we've just bowled Bangladesh out for 97. I'm going to pretend this is the real Ashes.

That's the real quiz.

[thommo]

We're now behind the required run rate more than 13 overs in to the chase. :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

Telegraph long read on the Ashes shambles. Some quality/lol/fucking hell details in there. Any time the mysterious 'Mo Bobat' gets a mention the alarm bells starting ringing.

England saved their worst for last as they signed off a calamitous Ashes series in Hobart with their most shambolic collapse of a tour littered with contenders.

They lost all 10 wickets for just 56 runs, queueing up to throw away their wickets in a blitz of hapless dismissals in the space of 22.4 overs. It was an embarrassment that will take some getting over and only increase the call for change in a set-up that has not only forgotten how to win but how to compete.

The nailbiting draw in Sydney means Joe Root's side will not go down in the history books with their whitewashed predecessors from 2006/07 and 2013/14, but few would disagree that this has been a less competitive and less accomplished campaign.

How did it come to this?

Preparation
This was the theory: “We want to travel to Australia fitter, faster, leaner, more ready than ever before," said England head coach Chris Silverwood last year.

This, according to one player, was the reality: “Honestly, everyone has got a story about how shambolic it has been.”

From the moment England's players set off for Australia on Nov 4, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, although in fact the disaster was set in motion well before even then.

Preparation had already been hampered by the group being split in two between those who went to the UAE for the World Cup and the others who flew direct to Australia. They were separated for two weeks while those from the UAE did their quarantine on the Gold Coast, further hampering communication and planning.

The bubble made everything harder when it came to organising nets and matches for those in Queensland. England’s only warm-up game descended into farce at the Ian Healy Oval, a nice club ground but lacking facilities for international sport. The scoreboard failed, the team analyst could only film for one day before giving up due to a lack of technical support and what was supposed to be a first-class fixture descended into middle practice with players batting three or even four times.

No sensible judgements could be drawn, but on the back of this game England picked Ollie Pope ahead of Jonny Bairstow for the first Test. Rain did not help, of course, but having agreed such a tight schedule, England were always hostages to fortune. Rain forced bowlers to try and attune to Australia indoors, instead of on the rock-hard pitches, and batsmen had to become accustomed to the bounce against bowling machines, and coaches with dog throwers. Why England, so badly undercooked, then batted first in Brisbane is a question that will haunt Root and Silverwood.

Even once the series had started, the spectre of Covid hung over the tour. Players have become wearily used to PCR testing but even their patience snapped in Sydney when they were forced to undergo a much more invasive procedure because the testing clinics were unable to turn around normal PCR tests in time.

This procedure involved a swab going up the nose and down the back of the throat in one go and is not very pleasant. Some players refused to do it, others did it and then made a stand saying they would not let their partners and young children go through the same procedure. It led to the biggest row between players and management of the whole tour and was only resolved by the resumption of normal PCR testing for those who refused.

Selection
When the issue of England's awful selections for the first two Tests was put to Silverwood, he replied that the series was "a marathon, not a sprint".

He was wrong. An Ashes tour is like an 800m race: you sprint and hope you can hang on long enough. Fall behind in Australia and it is all over. England mistakenly thought they could copy India's success in 2021 and make it a squad game, but they lacked the depth and leadership to make that happen.

England left out James Anderson and Stuart Broad in Brisbane, with concerns over their fitness. While Anderson was understandable, Broad - even if he had only just returned from an ankle injury - was ready to play on a green pitch that was more befitting his home ground of Trent Bridge than the Gabba.

Unleashing him against David Warner, his 'bunny' from 2019, seemed a no-brainer and yet England picked Jack Leach ahead of him. Only Mark Wood, briefly, went round the wicket to Warner on the first morning. As soon as Broad did so in Melbourne and Sydney - when it was far too late - Warner's threat declined and he ended with a pair.

Had England bowled first and thrown their own bowlers at an equally undercooked Australia they may have gained an early foothold. Instead Root - who regularly pokes fun at Nasser Hussain for bowling first in Brisbane in 2002 - wanted to be bold and send a message by batting first. And so batsmen who had mainly netted indoors were bowled out for 147. There was no way back.

The bad calls did not end there - chief among them being England's handling of Wood. The Durham bowler became the tourists' prized asset, their only genuine pace option, and yet he ended up bowling more overs when the series was dead than when it was alive. What a waste.

England had stacked their chips on the pink-ball Test in Adelaide because Anderson had taken 5-43 there four years ago. But having relentlessly extolled the virtues of pace for the last four years, they picked the same three seamers - Broad, Anderson and Chris Woakes - who had lost at the same venue in 2017 by 120 runs. They were worse this time.

Leach was not picked because England had been spooked by how he was mauled in Brisbane. They ended up using two part-time spinners and Ollie Robinson bowling off-spin and had to watch as Nathan Lyon took five wickets for Australia. Even the groundsman tried to warn them, saying 48 hours before the game: "History says that the pitch will spin." England did not listen.

Even selection away from the Test team was in chaos. On the first day of the Gabba Test, England Lions were due to play Australia A. England could have used it to give time in the middle to Jonny Bairstow, Dan Lawrence and Zak Crawley. Instead Mo Bobat, the performance director who is in charge of the Lions, picked the team 48 hours before the game. England only realised their error when they saw that Australia A included Test squad players Usman Khawaja, Micheal Neser and Scott Boland. All would later play in the series and make an impression, while England were left to pick from players who had played no red-ball cricket.

Selection was made mainly by the coach and captain but also chief scout, James Taylor, back home in England, with Bobat contributing. Players were frustrated that Taylor, who was not even in Australia, could have so much influence from thousands of miles away.

Culture
As Silverwood reflected on the tour he wondered if he had been too soft on the players. Certainly the cosiness of the set-up has been a major talking point.

One player refused to take part in the skin-fold test - a gauge of body fat - and, when pressed, accused England of trying to fat shame him. The test was never carried out.

Fitness levels clearly dipped for some players, who started the tour in good shape but appeared to let that side drift as the tour went on. Robinson's conditioning was an issue from the first Test, when he spent time off the field, but became a recurring theme in every game.

When England had the chance for a day off in Hobart, Robinson went and played golf even though he was troubled by a shoulder problem that threatened his chances of playing, with Craig Overton preparing to play in his place. Robinson declared himself fit on the morning of the match but then went down with a back spasm. England needed to be tougher and the medics overrule him but Silverwood and Root needed a win and Robinson is a good bowler.

There were also concerns over a drinking culture within the whole touring party and whether restrictions were loosened too much in Brisbane in the weeks leading up to the series and before the Covid bubble was tightened when families arrived.

Seeking solace in the glass is not unusual on Ashes tours and even more so in bubbles, which have a two-fold effect. The players have drinks laid on in the hotels which are at least away from camera phones and the public, but on the rare days they are allowed out they are more likely to go wild. It is certain that the midnight curfew introduced by Andrew Strauss will return when Covid bubbles go, the players failing to do enough to convince the management they can be fully trusted again.

Silverwood's management style was also an issue. He finds press conferences and broadcast interviews uncomfortable and struggles to express himself, which begs the question of how he handles team meetings and speaks to players.

Some senior players felt left out of discussions over tactics and another was angered to learn he had been dropped after reading it in the press. Another felt he had not been given enough time to prepare for a Test, learning only 48 hours before that he would be playing.

There are mitigating circumstances: insiders felt it was because Silverwood had too much on his plate and struggled to delegate to his staff, some of whom also found it hard to step up to the demands of an Ashes tour, a situation not helped by him contracting Covid.

There is also the point that minimal communication can be interpreted as strong leadership when the team are winning, but with this particular group - few of whom are natural leaders - more interaction was needed.

Tactics and performance
Dropping 17 catches and taking three wickets with no-balls added up to an entire Test match of missed chances and those mistakes come down to discipline and hard work. England bowlers, particularly Robinson, constantly overstep when bowling in the nets and it cost him the wicket of Marnus Labuschagne at the Adelaide Oval.

The decision to use Stokes as an enforcer was a gamble on hard Australian pitches in sweltering heat and with his lack of cricket. It is a punishing routine for a bowler to go through and Stokes snapped in Sydney, suffering a serious side strain that affected him for the rest of the match and the Hobart Test, too.

The tactics for Leach also caused bemusement among the squad. Before the Brisbane Test it was agreed England would be defensive when Leach came on for the first time, knowing Australia would be scenting blood. Players were incredulous when Root brought the field in and attacked, with Leach being taken apart by Australia's top order. It took him weeks to get over and affected selection for Adelaide.

Yet there were also issues around players not taking enough individual responsibility. Before Brisbane, Burns was asked if he had thought about facing the first ball of the series. “Nah, not really", was his reply.

That lack of forethought showed as he was bowled around his legs by Mitchell Starc. Ultimately, Burns lost his place, not just because of his form, but also his failure to speak more regularly in meetings and bring his experience to bear.

And when communication was clear, it still backfired. After the Adelaide Test there was a lengthy team meeting in which Silverwood made the batsmen watch footage of their dismissals, but the exchanges became heated as batsmen and bowlers lined up against each other.

In the same meeting, Jos Buttler told players they had to be patient at the crease, but he was out in the next Test hitting to deep-square leg on the stroke of tea. It summed up his tour.

"One team meeting was never going to change anything," said one player present.

[Ian]

Selection was made mainly by the coach and captain but also chief scout, James Taylor, back home in England, with Bobat contributing. Players were frustrated that Taylor, who was not even in Australia, could have so much influence from thousands of miles away.


He's not even tall. :nono:


Yet there were also issues around players not taking enough individual responsibility.

I've said this before about England but the way the same plays make the same mistakes over and over again doesn't suggest anybody is made to feel accountable for individual errors and doing their job right and that sort of culture is the death of any team with aspirations of being the best.

Could be a good documentary in this tour one day.

[niko_cee]

Doubt it, unless they could get a Thick of It style thing going. I would imagine it would just be deathly dull. Like hours on end of accidental Partridge / Brent without any of the humour.

Mo Bobat is surely a made up person. What do we call him? I dunno, what's the name of that award for urban music? That'll sound inclusive. Stick a bat on the end to make it relevant to cricket.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I enjoyed the Rory Burns quote (the most Rory Burns quote of all time), the complete lack of effort to mask which player was complaining about 'fat shaming', Chris Silverwood using the 'marathon, not a sprint' line while 2-0 down in a best of 5, the Adelaide groundsman advising them on selection only to be ignored, and - shock fucking horror - the revelation that Ollie Robinson bowls shitloads of no balls in training.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Mo Bobat:


A 36-year-old former PE teacher from Leicester, Bobat studied sports science and management and is also in the process of completing a Masters in sporting directorship. Prior to joining the ECB in 2011, he worked as a lecturer and teacher in Leicester, augmenting his experience as a Level 4 certified cricket coach.

The ideal choice for the role. Level 4 coaching courses are really hard to get on (a bit like the UEFA A Licence or whatever in football) so god knows how he's managed to con his way into this.

[Ian]

Yeah the "marathon, not a sprint" stuff when the series was as good as gone was good shit.

[Ian]

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/18/graham-thorpe-england-job-under-threat-over-video-of-police-shutting-down-post-ashes-party

Why do people so love filming the thing that's going to get them sacked?

I love the police telling them "Time for bed" though. :D

[Jimmy Floyd]

I mean, if Thorpey's aim is to get the sack, he's obviously tried everything batting-wise and this is now a desperate cry for help.

[Waffdon]

I’m presuming he’s done for when the news got out there and to stop it being taking out of context or something. Love how he doesn’t know travis Head’s name :D

[Ian]

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2022/jan/18/not-all-failings-of-englands-test-team-can-be-blamed-on-county-cricket


Plus of course Darren Stevens, and Darren Stevens again. It is a quirk of English cricket’s angst-ridden conversation with itself that Stevens’ name was mentioned so often over the first three Tests that he issued a statement asking people to stop bringing him into it.

With good reason too. Here’s a funny thing: Australian Test players in county cricket have a WhatsApp group where they talk about the difficulties of playing here. It’s called “Stevosgoingtogetyou”. And he is. Last summer Stevens bowled to Marnus Labuschagne twice and once to Travis Head. He got them out all three times, for 11, 11, and 20.

:D

[niko_cee]

Some good stuff in there.


More jarring was Joe Root’s comment that “anyone coming into this Test team at the minute is doing it in spite of county cricket, not because of county cricket.” Root’s wider point was more detailed and well-meaning, although there will always be something a little odd in hearing the highest-paid person in English cricket telling every county level coach, player, groundsman administrator, development officer, paying supporter and junior hopeful that the thing they like is trash and it’s basically their fault England have just lost 10 for 56 in Hobart.

:D

[Jimmy Floyd]

I don't know if this is true across all sports, but elite cricketers know absolutely fuck all about the sport. They have such narrow experience: freakish talent plus endless nets. That's no level of perspective to have a near-monopoly on the discourse. If they were bright enough I would make them sit down and read Beyond a Boundary with their eyelids taped open.

This especially applies to Joe Root, who doesn't think enough about the game for an England captain.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It now turns out the police were called because Thrope was smoking a cigar, and that he's now facing the sack as a result.

The batting coach getting fired for smoking a cigar would be the most England cricket thing ever to happen.

[Queenslander]

The cops getting called is so fucking piss weak.

[niko_cee]

ECB managing director of county cricket Neil Snowball...

I'm sorry, no, you can have a name like that and hope to maintain any sort of credible professional career.

[Ian]

Snowball? No. Not having that.

[Ben]

We've got a guy who works in the mechanical workshop called Kit Man.

Names can also make you.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I have met Neil Snowball a few times, he's a friend of a friend's dad. Seemed a decent man, bit of a smoothie chops. He also got the friend's dad a job as Kumar Dharmasena's personal driver/butler during the World Cup, which led to some interesting anecdotes (and some mighty boring ones).

[Ben]

Must be nice being in the London cricket circle.

Closest I've got to any famous cricketer is shouldering arms to Imran Tahir's googly.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Cunts: Jade Dernbach, Rory Hamilton-Brown, Graham Thorpe, Rikki Clarke, Laurie Evans, Jason Roy, I think probably both Currans though Sam is disputed
Good guys: Arun Harinath, Stuart Meaker, Alex Tudor, Gareth Batty, Mark Ramprakash
Legends: Mark Butcher, Kumar Sangakkara
Absurd parodies of themselves: Zafar Ansari
Chip on shoulder (justified): Mike Carberry

Frustrating lack of intel on Sam Billings, I'd love to get him confirmed in the cunt column but I'm not sure. Oh and Stuart Broad is supposedly the biggest cunt in the world, which for me only adds to the allure.

[Ian]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/cricket/59998885

Today I learned there is a thing called a 'cricket coffin.'

[Jimmy Floyd]

You don't see them much these days. A staple of the 20th century when everyone wore full whites at all times anywhere near a cricket field, and players were served lemon squash at the drinks break rather than powerade or whatever.

[Ben]

Absolute scourge of amateur cricket changing rooms. We implemented a fine for anything not a duffel bag in an attempt to win back some floor space.

[Jimmy Floyd]

West Indies v England starts in 40 minutes. What a superb schedule this is that you're only ever a couple of days from the next England humiliation.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Exactly three minutes into the game before Cottrell is off doing his fucking celebration again. Well done everyone.

[Ian]

What happened? And what is his celebration?

I put it on, went to stick the oven on and feared the worst when I came back and saw there was already an ad break.

[Ian]

Never mind, I see the celebration. I wonder if he could have shown off more of his stumps. Perhaps take up his stance on the boundary?

[Ian]

Cracking start.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This lot have just lost to Ireland in ODIs and have possibly their worst kit ever, obviously we're ten for fucking three.

[Ian]

Yeah I was just thinking that shirt is pretty shit.