The little things in life that fuck you off

[Spikey M]

Props to the green house behind for colour matching their conservatory.

[-james-]

My macbook's screen is inexplicably goosed. Fine last night, fucked when I opened it this morning. 800 quid repair apparently. Bought it refurbished for £1600 377 days ago. 365 day warranty btw.

[niko_cee]

Did you get it from the same place you got that car from?

[-james-]

Car is going fine. :cool:

[Raoul Duke]

Would contents insurance cover it?

[-james-]

Would it fuck.

[Boydy]

It's less that it fucks me off and more that I just don't really understand why but one of my neighbours must wash his car about twice a week.

[Giggles]

You lads are mad into it, it's one thing always struck me about up there.

[Lofty]

My opposite neighbour washes his daily.

[Jimmy Floyd]

In rainy countries you just don't need to waste the water doing it. Once a year for me I reckon.

[Pepe]

In Mexico the son of the man who 'guarded' the building we lived in would wash our cars everyday. The inside was done at least once a week. It was nice to have pristine cars. I don't think that the inside of my current car has ever been washed.

[Giggles]

In rainy countries you just don't need to waste the water doing it. Once a year for me I reckon.

It's pointless in places as wet as this anyway. Thing is rotten within hours.

[Manc]

Sundays. The world not opening up until 10/11 is unacceptable. I might start going to church with Baz.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My view on this is that if you want things open fully on Sunday - and who amongst us etc - you must in the process forfeit your right to complain about any aspect of capitalism. Choices.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Sundays. The world not opening up until 10/11 is unacceptable. I might start going to church with Baz.

In Poland almost everything is closed completely on Sundays.

It's fucking barbaric.

There was a loophole in the system that allowed big shops to stay open (by offering post office services) but they closed it. Only family run shops can open and they have to be run by someone in the family, no external workforce allowed.

I think it's only restaurants, cinemas, petrol stations and pharmacies are the only other things allowed to be open.

Last time I went there was also a special event on Saturday meaning supermarkets were closed then too so they were heaving on the Friday because you'd be fucked if you haven't stocked up.

[niko_cee]

Maybe ASDA could introduce dynamic pricing for times outside of the current opening hours on Sunday.

You should be thankful they allow petrol stations to be open. Until about 2000 no petrol on Sunday in Guernsey in case you drank it, care of the Methodists. No video tapes either in case you cracked them open and licked them.

[Kikó]

In Poland almost everything is closed completely on Sundays.

It's fucking barbaric.

There was a loophole in the system that allowed big shops to stay open (by offering post office services) but they closed it. Only family run shops can open and they have to be run by someone in the family, no external workforce allowed.

I think it's only restaurants, cinemas, petrol stations and pharmacies are the only other things allowed to be open.

Last time I went there was also a special event on Saturday meaning supermarkets were closed then too so they were heaving on the Friday because you'd be fucked if you haven't stocked up.

It's similar in Germany (Sunday opening hours). If you need a pharmacy on a Sunday you need to go to the airport or a train station. Any groceries at the petrol station.

All supermarkets and retail is closed for business.

[Baz]

Sundays. The world not opening up until 10/11 is unacceptable. I might start going to church with Baz.My Church is at 11. :happycry:

[Lofty]

I was fondly remembering Sundays as a child when everything was closed the other day, but probably more of a ballache as an adult and the novelty's worn off.

[Pepe]

My view on this is that if you want things open fully on Sunday - and who amongst us etc - you must in the process forfeit your right to complain about any aspect of capitalism. Choices.

Anyone who complains about cApItAliSm is an utter moron.

I didn't mind working on Sundays when I was a waiter. Tips were crazy good for lunch and by 8pm everything was dead so you could go home earlier than Friday or Saturday. Things being closed on Sunday is a sign of failing societies.

[Manc]

Stfu.

[Boydy]

A sixty-something year old man threatened me with "I'll break those fucking glasses off your face" after the film finished at the cinema last night because I politely asked his adult daughter to put her phone away during the film.

[thommo]

Nice for you to meet up with Giggles at least.

[Giggles]

If I had spawn they'd know better than to have a phone out at the pictures.

[Lofty]

If you didn't coat him off with 'alright grandad' there's no hope.

[Lewis]

I've just stood on my phone - given to me in 2019 by my friend who got it in 2017 - and wrecked the screen. The only apps that worked on it were Messenger and WhatsApp, it couldn't open most websites, and it barely got a signal outside a built-up area. To make things worse, the sim card is too small for my Nokia 301 that I kept for some reason. I'm going to have to buy a new one fucking hell.

[Baz]

Kind of decent timing considering the new iPhone just came out, so the older ones should have deals on?

[-james-]

You can get a thing to make your SIM compatible with your Nokia

[Lewis]

I think I'm going to do that so I can phone and have an alarm until I shop around for the right phone.

[Pepe]

Use it with a wrecked screen. That is what I do with mine.

[igor_balis]

Hero wars hero wars

[Shindig]

Yeah, I can't tolerate that ad campaign.

[Manc]

Customer service in this country is the pits. I'm simultaneously dealing with my network provider, bank, and betting company. I've never been so stressed.

[Baz]

Ordered a card months ago from Moonpig, planning ahead for a birthday. Opened it the other week to realise I must have selected the 'send it direct to recipient' option despite sending it to myself to write, meaning it didn't come with an envelope. Tried their support chat but they said it's my fault and they couldn't send me an envelope, which was fair enough.

Had a genius idea to go to Card Factory and buy one of their cheapest cards, discard it and use the envelope for my Moonpig card. I didn't want to take a card into a card shop though so had another genius idea to draw around my card on a piece of paper, cut it out, fold it up into my pocket and take that into the shop to measure against prospective cards. In a moment of madness I somehow convinced myself I was buying a card to fit into an envelope I'd already purchased and ended up searching for a card smaller than my piece of paper. Colour me surprised when I got home and realised my card is too big for the envelope I just walked 6 miles for and spent 15p on.

I'll repeat the trip next Tuesday and remember to buy a card bigger than my piece of paper. :moop:

Also does anyone else think it's weird that Card Factory (I can't speak for other card shops but I suspect the same) don't sell cards to give to twins on their birthday?

[Spikey M]

If you delete that really quickly, only I'll know you're this retarded. There's time lad. Act now.

[Baz]

I don't mind. It's fairly well documented by now.

[Mike]

Don’t worry, my birthday is ages away Baz.

[Giggles]

It’s for his bit in the office.

[Baz]

She has a twin?!

[Giggles]

You can but dream.

[Gray Fox]

Speaking from personal experience, twins are never worth the bother.

[Baz]

They’re 4.

[Spikey M]

Nonce.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Nonce.

:D

[Dquincy]

She has a twin?!

How is it going with the sidekick? Still bezzie mates?

[Spikey M]

The Mrs went out with some mates after work and has just come through the door giving it the big "look what was half price in Tesco"

A slow cooker. A FUCKING slow cooker.

We've had 10 months since the last one mercifully broke, but the days of overcooked meat in watery flavourless sauces are back.

Devastated.

"I got some beef so we can have a casserole on Sunday"

Poor cow died for nothing.

[randomlegend]

Poor cow died for nothing.

Killing her over a slow cooker seems harsh.

[-james-]

Sounds more like a skill issue. Can you not reduce the sauce down and/or add seasoning? And use an appropriate cut of meat?

[Spikey M]

Sounds more like a skill issue. Can you not reduce the sauce down and/or add seasoning? And use an appropriate cut of meat?

She likes them because you can just chuck the ingredients in and switch it on, then dinner is ready when you get home from work.

Of course you could give it closer attention and probably get better food, but that's not why people buy these monstrosities.

[niko_cee]

:D

When I read went out with some mates after work I didn't have Tesco at the forefront of my mind.

[Spikey M]

:D

When I read went out with some mates after work I didn't have Tesco at the forefront of my mind.

:D

The pub they went to is just over the road from a Tesco.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Slow cookers are horrendous.

I'll pray for you, Spikes.

[Spikey M]

I'm still annoyed. It's ruined my whole weekend.

[Baz]

I'm still annoyed. It's ruined my whole weekend.

Do you WFH? Cos then you get the added joy of smelling something delicious all day, that you know will be an anticlimax, plus it’ll make you hungry.

[Lofty]

Slow cookers are class, clearly a skill issue.

[Boydy]

I'm with Spikey. The sauces are always watery and flavourless.

The one I bought years ago sits in a cupboard and never comes out now.

[Danny]

Slow cookers are class, clearly a skill issue.

:nodd:

[Giggles]

I do like to try off onions and things first before they go in. Just heaping everything in and turning it on is never great.

[SincereTheRebel]

Bottle tops attached to bottles now is annoying. It gets in the way, now i have to make alterations during the pouring technique.

[Baz]

Yeah. At first I wasn’t bothered but now when I get one that isn’t attached, it feels like a treat.

[Giggles]

Just rip it off, it's not as if they're welded on.

[Yevrah]

Hard to rip it off without the liquid inside pissing everywhere.

[Spikey M]

It really isn't. Bend it back, twist it once, it's off.

[Boydy]

Had a GP receptionist swear blind she didn't tell me she'd call me back to let me know something was there for me at reception to pick up when did in fact tell me that. She gave it a right attitude too, the cheeky cunt.

No wonder they get a load of abuse because they're the worst fucking people on earth.

[Pepe]

Started getting tons of spam emails a few days ago and now some cunts are trying to steal my money. :moop:

[Yevrah]

How is the former linked to the latter?

[Pepe]

It seems like there is a tactic of flooding you with spam so that you miss emails confirming purchases.

[Pepe]

First they tried getting $2k from my health savings account. Next step was trying for $20 jeans. :lol:

[igor_balis]

Someone cloned a mates card and spent three quid in an m&s in Leighton Buzzard in the early 2010s. I was quite impressed it flagged up on their bank fraud thing, cus my mate could quite conceivably have spent three quid in a Leighton Buzzard m&s.

[Gray Fox]

Whenever DPD attempt to deliver anything expensive to me, this includes my last two phones and the PS5 when that came, they always leave me to near the end of the day and then about 10 mins before my slot I'll get a sorry we can't find you. Same thing with the new phone today. Got to within my hour slot and showed me the van about 10 mins(9 stops) away. Quick refresh later and suddenly Arshdeep has apparently attempted a delivery and couldnt find my address.

Depot is in Wolverhampton, so I'm assuming he got realised he wasnt getting some deliveries done and so scanned a few off like that.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We're having massive problems with courier delivery drivers at work at the moment, customers just aren't getting stuff because the drivers have suddenly started to lie and cheat on a mass basis. We've caught them doing it three times in the last month, two of them even forged customers' signatures to simulate a signed-for delivery. I'm not going to speculate as to why this has suddenly staeted happening, but I fucking know exactly why.

[Gray Fox]

After getting onto the live chat and being told that now Arshdeep has set it to a missed delivery, there is no possible way for me to get it today, I was told it would now be Monday. Same process. Get your allocated time slot around 11am and then sit tight. Only I'm working so no dice. The expensive stuff requires a pin to hand it over too, so a safe place, neighbour or on the doorstep cant be done.

After much arguing about how the address is clear and easy to find and even offering to let Arshdeep call me to assist him in finding my address, they finally agree to it coming tomorrow.

10 minutes ago Arshdeep has redeemed himself and turned up with it...

[Shindig]

Stuff like this is why, if there's an option to pick it up somewhere else (like a shop or delivery point, I take it.

[Giggles]

They all just fuck mine on the doorstep.

[Manc]

Kinky.

[Giggles]

Kinky.

Yes very, I of course meant they get buried in the packages. Good to know.

[Boydy]

We're having massive problems with courier delivery drivers at work at the moment, customers just aren't getting stuff because the drivers have suddenly started to lie and cheat on a mass basis. We've caught them doing it three times in the last month, two of them even forged customers' signatures to simulate a signed-for delivery. I'm not going to speculate as to why this has suddenly staeted happening, but I fucking know exactly why.

Why?

[Lewis]

Indians.

[Spikey M]

Just drove to the shops to get some last minute stuff before holiday, driving back, suddenly lost power steering as I was parking. Steering fluid dripping from underneath. Meant to be leaving for the airport in 45 minutes, now waiting for the AA. It's a good job the flight is tomorrow. Absolutely fucking seething.

[Pepe]

Lol weak. Can't drive without power steering.

[Lofty]

What car is that?

[Giggles]

Muscle up and make it an after holiday problem.

[igor_balis]

My mum just got the shower room done, but they fitted a different radiator to the one she'd wanted, and when queried this is what they've told her:

Hope you're well?

I had a message from our office about a few things within the recently completed bathroom.

One being the radiator, the radiator fitted was the radiator allowed within the quote, we decided it was better to fit a standard style radiator to give out more heat to combat the slight damp you had experienced. But if you did want this changed we certainly can get this done for you?

Were there some other issues you wanted to discuss?

Kind regards



Sounds like they've fucked up, and it's absolutely bullshit - surely if it wasn't gonna be covered by the quote, they still need to at least ask her?

Anyway, I wouldn't have shared this fascinating tidbit of the balis household, except my mum said "can you share this with your...forum of funny old men, and see what they say?". Best WDYTOE ever.

[igor_balis]

https://voca.ro/14ZiAMR3dfwi

[Spikey M]

This is why they scrapped the winter fuel allowance, Boydy.

[Lofty]

Surely we are all younger than Mother Balis?

Also I've been misreading 'Balis' as 'Balls' for a decade or whatever now.

[igor_balis]

I think she considers Funny Old Men a more abstract thing. But yeah, she's 61.

[Kikó]

I'm sick of podcasts. Which one was that from Igor?

[Dquincy]

My mum just got the shower room done, but they fitted a different radiator to the one she'd wanted, and when queried this is what they've told her:

Hope you're well?

I had a message from our office about a few things within the recently completed bathroom.

One being the radiator, the radiator fitted was the radiator allowed within the quote, we decided it was better to fit a standard style radiator to give out more heat to combat the slight damp you had experienced. But if you did want this changed we certainly can get this done for you?

Were there some other issues you wanted to discuss?

Kind regards



Sounds like they've fucked up, and it's absolutely bullshit - surely if it wasn't gonna be covered by the quote, they still need to at least ask her?

Anyway, I wouldn't have shared this fascinating tidbit of the balis household, except my mum said "can you share this with your...forum of funny old men, and see what they say?". Best WDYTOE ever.
There is some sense in what they said as heat output will very depending on rad size and style. But they should have discussed this in advance, so a little sus. But if they are willing to change it FOC then there is no issue. That is unless the fixings are in a different place to the extg rad. In which case you don't want redundant fixing holes visible.

[Lewis]

https://voca.ro/14ZiAMR3dfwi

'I've got a bit of a reputation as a bullshitter on that message board.'
'Haha yeah.'

:harold:

[Baz]

The Dugout DOT NET

[Lofty]

Igor and his ma doing the next WDYTOE in podcast form.

[Spikey M]

I've just had the most retarded conversation of all time with an old colleague.

I can't go to the Southend game tomorrow, so I put up a post offering to gift my 2 tickets to someone. Ideally a kid that has never been.

So, I had 2 responses within 5 minutes. First my ex-colleague and another from an old school friend. I gave them to my old school friend despite her asking a couple of minutes after and explained to my colleague (via a private message) that her boy will have never been because they can't afford to take him, so this will really mean something to him.

That's that, I thought. Apparently not.

"OK, but Leo has never been either?"

Maybe, but Leo has just got back from Cyprus

"You just said you wanted to give them to someone that's never been"

Never been because they can't afford it and haven't had the opportunity, not just because they've never been taken

"Well, now Leo won't have the opportunity either I guess...."

Tickets are available. It'll cost you about 30 quid to take him

*this contact is no longer available*

2 holidays a year and a pet horse. Just take him to a game you fanny. :cab:

[Pepe]

How? He has no money left after the trips and the horse food.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Is there any kid these days not called fucking Leo? Apols to all the people on here who have named their kid fucking Leo. I reckon at least two of niko's are called Leo.

[niko_cee]

Negative, only have 1 son and he's not a Leo. Actually, no, he is . . .






but just the star sign.



Fin/Finn/Finlay/Finley/Findley [?] is the killer boys name of our time.

[Gray Fox]

It's the L's around here. Leo, Luca, Lucas, Louis and even a Liam or two starting to pop up.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Luca is another one. Luca here, Luca there, Luca fucking anywhere and not an Italian in sight. I got into hot water a few months back for openly spouting about why parents are calling their kids Luca. Turned out the one in front of me was actually called Luka and 'his mother's from Serbia, and very proud of her heritage'. The subsequent dust cloud was from my rear wheels making a hasty exit from the property.

[Giggles]

The simple thing there was to turn off comments and just say she PM'd you first. Though, yeah he's a fucking twat.

[Dark Soldier]

Don't know why you bothered Spikes, all kids are cunts.

[Lofty]

Cheers Spikes, kid's cryin.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Is there any kid these days not called fucking Leo? Apols to all the people on here who have named their kid fucking Leo. I reckon at least two of niko's are called Leo.


Luca is another one. Luca here, Luca there, Luca fucking anywhere and not an Italian in sight. I got into hot water a few months back for openly spouting about why parents are calling their kids Luca. Turned out the one in front of me was actually called Luka and 'his mother's from Serbia, and very proud of her heritage'. The subsequent dust cloud was from my rear wheels making a hasty exit from the property.

Next door neighbour have two kids.

Both boys. Oldest is called Leo with the youngest called Luca...

[Danny]

Is there any kid these days not called fucking Leo? Apols to all the people on here who have named their kid fucking Leo. I reckon at least two of niko's are called Leo.

:uhoh:

Has it become common over there? Wife worked in a nursery for 10 years before having him and never had one come through, and I didnt know one so it seemed uncommon to us.

[Baz]

I reckon at least two of niko's are called Leo.

:lol:

[Pepe]

:uhoh:

Has it become common over there? Wife worked in a nursery for 10 years before having him and never had one come through, and I didnt know one so it seemed uncommon to us.

:D

[Pepe]

My daughters' classmates mostly have weird names, but there are two Calvins somehow.

[igor_balis]

Spikey M that's amazing. I love how this whole saga has made him look like a right cheapskate weirdo, and a bit of shit dad, yet he's prob telling the story as though you've wronged him by giving the tickets to some cunt who asked after he did

[igor_balis]

Negative, only have 1 son and he's not a Leo. Actually, no, he is . . .






but just the star sign.



Fin/Finn/Finlay/Finley/Findley [?] is the killer boys name of our time.
I have the telephone number of finlay christie, the posh child who does stand up and movie parodies on YouTube

[Danny]

My daughters' classmates mostly have weird names, but there are two Calvins somehow.

Missus used to tell me some of the names that came through her classes. Often met with disappointment.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I love Finlay as a name. So distinguished. Probably because I never have to meet any of the 8 year old shitheads who now bear it.

Only spelled that way though. Finley is an obvious gypo and Finn just comes before Harps.

[Giggles]

We're like that here with the Irish names from people from SoCoDo that wouldn't know a word. So many little Oisín and Fiáchra cunts running around. Wouldn't like to be teaching the little bastards.

[randomlegend]

Luca is another one. Luca here, Luca there, Luca fucking anywhere and not an Italian in sight. I got into hot water a few months back for openly spouting about why parents are calling their kids Luca. Turned out the one in front of me was actually called Luka and 'his mother's from Serbia, and very proud of her heritage'. The subsequent dust cloud was from my rear wheels making a hasty exit from the property.

Leo and Luca are not remotely popular round here. I reckon I've come across about 1-2 of each in my entire time in paediatrics.

[Kikó]

The two names we have for our expected boy is neither Leo or Luca.

[Lewis]

Little baby sean.

[Giggles]

Tarquin or some shit knowing that cunt.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Dieter or Wolfgang, I would hope, or else he'll get bullied at school.

[Pepe]

There is a Wolfgang in my daughter's class. Wolfie, his parents call him.

[Kikó]

It's Tarquin Bastian Archibald.

[Foe]

Flávio or Jose.

[Mike]

We have a class at work with three boys called Noah. All three are dicks.

[Kikó]

My mate went for Noah so he's got a Noah and his second son was Abel. Not sure why he's so old testament.

Fwiw, we're probably going towards Alexander.

[Spikey M]

My son has an Indian kid in his class called Noah. I assume the parents come from the Portuguese/Christian part of India, but I don't want to get cancelled on the school gate so I can't exactly bowl over an ask.

[niko_cee]

He's probably called Noor.

[Spikey M]

Nope, Noah. I did think similar at first, but my boy got an invite to his party and it's definitely Noah.

[Spikey M]

That has reminded me of my Daughter having a friend called Anne Boleyn at her old school though. Turned out she was called Amber-Lynn.

[randomlegend]

My Auntie swears to this day she went to school with a child called Ophelia Balls.

[Lewis]

My mate went for Noah so he's got a Noah and his second son was Abel. Not sure why he's so old testament.

Fwiw, we're probably going towards Alexander.

That's a lovely tribute to Offshore.

[Lofty]

I worked with a guy called Dick Long.

[Spikey M]

Another one of your brothers?

[Lofty]

:D

He was a right character, would only go on holiday an hour's drive away so he could still come in for overtime if asked.

[Boydy]

Was in Tesco today and the 12 packs of Pepsi Max were those tall skinny cans like Coke have now. The 24 pack was still the normal cans but I assume they'll all switch over soon. Fuck's sake, why.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'm guessing you can get more of them on a pallet.

[Giggles]

I see 7-up gone the same way too, but I think that’s Pepsi as well.

[Baz]

Are they still 330ml?

[Giggles]

Yeah same as the Coke ones. Not that I’d touch Pepsi over Coke but those cans so fit in my fridge a lot better.

[Boydy]

Pepsi Max > Coke Zero

I used to believe it was the other way around but I was wrong.

[randomlegend]

The tall cans taste better.

[niko_cee]

Aren't the tall cans 250ml?

Still the normal cans over here in the sunlit uplands of Brexit.

[Manc]

Pepsi Max > Coke Zero.

It really is superior.

[Pepe]

The tall cans taste better.

I don't think you're supposed to eat them.

[Mike]

The best Chinese take away near me stops taking orders when busy and they rarely start again. The plan tonight was to order one after the girls are asleep, which is what we normally do, but they’d already stopped taking orders at 6:30!

[niko_cee]

Can you not just physically go into the place and try to order? Or do they turn people away/lock the doors?

[Mike]

That removes the convenience but I guess so. We’re ordering from the second choice one.

[Ben]

I always collect from takeaways. I order when I'm hungry and if I get a delivery from a popular place it rocks up over an hour later barely warm and leaking out of the boxes because the young delivery driver thinks he's Lewis Hamilton, or the old delivery driver rings me about six times "I can't find you mate" because he's used to the streets of Peshawar, not North Yorkshire.

[Giggles]

My local Chinese does it's own delivery, as opposed to Just Eat like everyone else, and they charge a bomb for it. So I usually do something nice that day so as she might pick it up for us.

[Ben]

Oh I always ring it in even on the odd occasion I want a delivery. Fuck giving those parasite third party companies their cut.

[Dquincy]

The best Chinese take away near me stops taking orders when busy and they rarely start again. The plan tonight was to order one after the girls are asleep, which is what we normally do, but they’d already stopped taking orders at 6:30!

Mist be bloody good if they get too busy on a Tuesday night. That or their staff allocation for midweek requires review.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Had a power cut for about 45 minutes.

Seemed to have affected most of the town as well as various other nearby towns/villages.

Didn't even have phone signal.

Went for a drive and I went past a Nisa and an Asda who both had power. Weirdly the Nisa kicked people out and closed the shutters with Asda refusing entry to anyone. I assume they were scared of looters.

[Ben]

Had a power cut for about 45 minutes.

Seemed to have affected most of the town as well as various other nearby towns/villages.

Didn't even have phone signal.

Went for a drive and I went past a Nisa and an Asda who both had power. Weirdly the Nisa kicked people out and closed the shutters with Asda refusing entry to anyone. I assume they were scared of looters.

It'll be like any UPS, keeping the lights on long enough to safely shut down, rather than carry on as normal. At that point they won't know how long the power outage will last so having a shop full of people when the batteries/generator runs out is asking for trouble.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I was in a coffee shop this morning, staffed, as all the coffee shops and similar businesses increasingly are around here, by fresh off the boat/plane Indians, most of them on student visas at Kingston Uni. The person in front of me in the queue ordered a toast with marmite. The guy gave her marmalade. She said no, I ordered marmite. He said that is marmite. It quickly became apparent that he had no idea what either marmite or marmalade are. The customer couldn't grasp this. Both of them became increasingly frustrated to the point that they were almost shouting at each other. He went off to make the toast, took out a new loaf of bread out and plucked the end-slice from the top of the loaf. The customer shrieked that 'no one eats the end piece! Come on!' The clueless staff member was looking almost tearful by this point. How should he know what marmite is or that people don't eat the end piece from a loaf of bread? The other staff member intervened and breezily informed the customer that they don't have marmite anyway. She asked for her money back for the marmite. The staff said why don't you just have marmalade, then you won't need your money back? Words were exchanged and a refund eventually applied.

I had absolutely no sympathy for anyone involved, making me the ultimate villain of the piece.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Why is someone getting toast with marmite in a coffee shop?

[Foe]

In fairness if someone ordered that and I was serving I would probably give them something else (on purpose) too.

The world seems to think India is the solution to all problems. My gaff are starting to try and utilise the “high quality untapped engineering resource” and it has annoyed me more than it should.

[Ben]

Marmite is tremendous.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Marmite is tremendous.

It's not but that's not the point.

Toast and marmite is not exactly a hard thing to do at home.

You don't need to pay a 500% mark-up at a coffee shop for it.

[Spikey M]

You could say the same about coffee.

[Lewis]

I appreciate that businesses like cheap labour that is happy to be taken advantage of, but you have to wonder how these useless Indians even get the jobs in the first place given their English is almost always shit. The only explanation is that Tesco actually do just ask people whether they are prepared to be taken advantage of, and that only requires a bit of head wobbling.

The Ayatollah's mate - who was an architect back in Iran, so is useless merely as an English-speaker rather than on a genetic level - works as a lifeguard at a leisure centre, and she admits that she doesn't tell kids not to piss about because half the time they don't understand her. How does that pass muster in duty of care obsessed world?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

You could say the same about coffee.

Not really because coffee can be elevated.

They're just getting Hovis white sliced, putting it in a toaster and giving you a pack of marmite (or marmalade) to spread on it yourself.

[Giggles]

It's not but that's not the point.

Toast and marmite is not exactly a hard thing to do at home.

You don't need to pay a 500% mark-up at a coffee shop for it.

You don't need to pay a 500% mark up for anything in a coffee shop, but many do every day. So it is the point.

[Pepe]

The Ayatollah's mate - who was an architect back in Iran, so is useless merely as an English-speaker rather than on a genetic level - works as a lifeguard at a leisure centre, and she admits that she doesn't tell kids not to piss about because half the time they don't understand her. How does that pass muster in duty of care obsessed world?

The pool over here hires local (ALL-AMERICAN) teenagers and they also do fuck all, so I am guessing that is considered normal for the role.

[Spikey M]

Not really because coffee can be elevated.

They're just getting Hovis white sliced, putting it in a toaster and giving you a pack of marmite (or marmalade) to spread on it yourself.

The point I was trying to make, is that if a person is trying to order marmite on toast in a coffee shop, I imagine it's because they need to grab something on the way to do something. Work, seeing friends, etc. Which is largely why coffee shops exist in the first place.

Well, that and giving Bamster somewhere to look important with his new Macbook Pro.

[Pepe]

As for the marmite thing, if you order something, you should get that and not something else. Pretty obvious who is in the wrong here.

[Spikey M]

I appreciate that businesses like cheap labour that is happy to be taken advantage of, but you have to wonder how these useless Indians even get the jobs in the first place given their English is almost always shit. The only explanation is that Tesco actually do just ask people whether they are prepared to be taken advantage of, and that only requires a bit of head wobbling.

The Ayatollah's mate - who was an architect back in Iran, so is useless merely as an English-speaker rather than on a genetic level - works as a lifeguard at a leisure centre, and she admits that she doesn't tell kids not to piss about because half the time they don't understand her. How does that pass muster in duty of care obsessed world?

It's diverse, m8.

[Pepe]

Local Jewish bagel place is quite busy and everyone is nice enough except for the two black women, who always have that face and god forbid you ask them for anything. Why they keep them around, I do not know, but they sure don't make themselves any favors.

[Mike]

As for the marmite thing, if you order something, you should get that and not something else. Pretty obvious who is in the wrong here.

Even if they don’t have it on the menu?

[Giggles]

Even if they don’t have it on the menu?

Then, obviously, you're told they don't have it on the menu.

[Boydy]

Having worked with quite a few Indian software engineers, I wouldn't want to work with any more if I could avoid it. My work used to have a handful who were actually based in the US (so you'd assume they were the better ones) but they were all shit and they would never take responsibility for anything. Things were never their fault even when you could point to the evidence showing that it was. They'd throw anyone under the bus to defend themselves.

Oh, there was one who was actually in India as well and he was completely useless.

Their work culture just seems terrible. Blame anyone and everyone else rather than take any responsibility. They were all hired by our former (Indian, Indian-American maybe, I dunno) CTO. Bit weird that he only ever hired Indians.

[randomlegend]

The Indian doctors I've worked with have been excellent. As far as I can remember, universally so.

[Boydy]

Maybe software engineering just attracts dickheads. Or there's so many of them over there they can be replaced very easily and the threat of that makes them blame others for their mistakes.

[Spikey M]

The Indian doctors I've worked with have been excellent. As far as I can remember, universally so.

As have the Indian doctors that have treated me and my family over the years.

Now, the 12 Indian students that we found subletting a 2 bed house in Barking a couple of months ago... they're less excellent, unfortunately. Unless you like mould and mess, anyway.

[randomlegend]

The best doctor I've ever worked with was Indian. He was also Indian national quiz champion at one point.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've got to understand India better in recent years having worked with a couple of them who are quite forthcoming. Basically everything in India is dictated by the fact that there are 1.5 billion people and very limited desirable jobs, university places, homes, wives, whatever. This means that work ethic is off the charts (compared to us anyway) and it also breeds a ruthlessness when it comes to elbowing people out the way, be that on a train or in the employment landscape. Presumably that is why they are belligerent in throwing other people under the bus and defending themselves. It also means that you'll do all the work for a quarter of the money, because if you don't there's a queue round the street filled with people who will.

They are an unscrupulous CEO's dream for basically all the reasons in the previous paragraph. 'Business' must have fought so hard for these quarter of a million student visas to be issued last year.

[Shindig]

I worked with a few Indians in a distribution place. The lad that started the same day as me could not speak any English. He needed a lass to translate. Everyone else has been fine but I just can't wrap my head around someone getting past an agency with legitimately no English skills.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I noticed the other day that the Albanian car wash workers in the dodgy place nearby have all been replaced by Indians, and there is also a gang of 20+ Indians who hang around outside the gates of a local farm every morning, presumably hoping to be picked for a bit of cash in hand menial stuff. I wish them luck with their degrees.

[Ben]

Has that insane immigration agreement with India been tightened up yet, or are they still flooding in?

[Lewis]

The Chinese say that India has 400 million people and a billion cattle. That also explains a lot about them.

[Boydy]

Didn't really fuck me off so much as just not make sense but today when I was out for a wander around the park at lunchtime, I saw a man wearing a ski mask thing (is that the right term? like a balaclava but with one big hole for eyes and maybe nose) but also shorts. Surely if it's cold enough for that up top, it's cold enough to put some fucking trousers on.

[Waffdon]

Legs don’t really get cold. As long as the arms and hands are warm I’m alright

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Legs don’t really get cold. As long as the arms and hands are warm I’m alright

Got to show off those gains, lad.

[igor_balis]

The pool over here hires local (ALL-AMERICAN) teenagers and they also do fuck all, so I am guessing that is considered normal for the role.

My mate (white, English, and vaguely Hitler youth looking) got fired from his lifeguard job when he fell asleep on the big lifeguard seat thing after spending a weekend doing speed in Berlin.

[Manc]

Vintage.

[igor_balis]

I'm sure it's always been like this but I swear it's gotten worse recently - every time I minimise an app on my phone (especially web browser), when I go back onto it, it insists on refreshing the page, which ranges from mild inconvenience to totally rage inducing.

My favourite trope of this is when I'm signing into something which insists on doing 2fa, usually something pathetic like a takeaway app or something, I click into the thing, copy the authorisation code, go back to paste it into the box, nah sorry, refreshed, now we have to send you another code. Cunts.

[Ben]

Do you use Chrome? They introduced some kind of "optimisation" bullshit on all platforms. You can turn it off in Settings on Windows, so I guess you can on mobile too.

[Lofty]

Applied for a loan from Tesco as they had the best rate. Offered the loan online, took a few minutes to double check before accepting and it had timed out. No problem, I had an email confirming the offer. Unable to bring the offer back up, was told I had to ring. Rang up, apparently if you don't immediately accept a loan offer online then your offer is only available over the phone and instead of being paid out in 24 hours they send you paperwork to arrive in 5 days and sign and return :moop:

[Waffdon]

Ben

Tried your M&S theory out. Firstly, it was like Supermarket Sweep at a care home. Secondly, £135 for a weekly shop. Tesco is anything from £70-90 depending on what household stuff is needed. Fucking hell

[Ben]

I've never spent that much. :D

My M&S is class. It's at a retail park though so the old dears don't dare venture that far.

[Waffdon]

I didn’t even buy any juice or household/cleaning stuff which usually puts the prices up.

Just teas and lunches until next Thursday for 2 folk. Snacks as well but off the top of my head: 2 share bag of crisps with dips, bar of chocolate, croissants and prosciutto sharing platter thing.

[Ben]

You must eat well. I mean, I can see how you would easily spend that much but we rarely go into 3 figures even. We get snacks and cleaning stuff from Home Bargains but everything else is M&S.

[Boydy]

Amazon delivery driver just left my package by the back gate in the pissing rain instead of knocking the door even though all the fucking lights are on in the house.

Came to the door to tell me he'd left it around the back when he saw me looking out for him though. Prick.

[Pepe]

'Thanks, mate. Have a good day!'

*Awkwardly waves*

[randomlegend]

My DPD driver left my SSD directly in front of my front door today because I wasn't in. The website was saying they wouldn't be able to leave it if nobody was home. Legend :cool:

[Pepe]

I hate those 'signature requested' deliveries.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've largely gone back to just buying things from shops. Deliveries do my fucking nut in.

[Kikó]

Did manc Sean hack your account Jim?

[Jimmy Floyd]

Today I was forced to play a frame of snooker against someone who was such a rabid Celtic fan that he referred to the blue ball as 'Sevco' and refused to hit at it.

I won, obviously.

[niko_cee]

This is obviously nothing new, but who was it that came up with the idea that all traffic light pedestrian crossings should have no sound and ostensibly no visual cue that you can cross? There's a new crossing here which catches people out all the time as the stupid button thing is facing away from where you are meant to stand to use the fucking crossing. Who is this helping?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I'd heard that sound is out of fashion now among urban design legends, because if there are two crossings near each other then beeping at one can be confused for beeping at another.

[Baz]

Relatedly, a white van drove through [audible] red lights this morning while I was on the school run and about to cross. Luckily he was doing about 40 (in a 30) for his entire approach so I hastily grabbed both kids to stop them “going when the beeps beep.” One is old enough to stop look and listen but the other was a certified dead toddler in tomorrows local newspaper, if it wasn’t for his heroic dad.

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers in these trying times.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The general standard of driving from vans is genuinely atrocious. I don't know if they're just all on coke or if they think that their next job nailing one plank of wood to another is so vital that arriving for it 18 seconds earlier will make a huge difference to their livelihoods, but the level of aggression is just ridiculous.

[Shindig]

I'm glad I only got hit by a Mini.

[Spikey M]

The general standard of driving from vans is genuinely atrocious. I don't know if they're just all on coke or if they think that their next job nailing one plank of wood to another is so vital that arriving for it 18 seconds earlier will make a huge difference to their livelihoods, but the level of aggression is just ridiculous.

Quicker you get work done, quicker you can get down the pub. Pie and chips. Pint of Fosters. 2 squashed toddlers. BOSH.

[Giggles]

Important work being done, get out of the fucking way.

[Jimmy Floyd]

If only the same approach applied after arriving at said work.

[Spikey M]

My cunt neighbour ordering shit online when she's never fucking home and my wife continuing to take them in for her. 4 packages are sat in my porch for her. 4. Four. FOUR! it's starting to resemble a pissing sorting office. :mad:

[Ben]

Steal the best looking one. They're never going to suspect you're a thief if you hand over the other three.

[Yevrah]

I’ll say it again, never answer your door unless you’re expecting someone or something.

[SvN]

The joys of a front porch means I don't even need to answer for my own deliveries, unless I'm expecting something expensive.

[randomlegend]

The diamond for my wife's engagement ring was delivered early morning when I was still asleep but she was up. She didn't answer because she "didn't know who it would be" so it sat in Londis post-office for a week before I could collect it. That was a fun wait.

[Shindig]

My PC is 7 stops away. Ho Ho Hurry the fuck up. :moop:

According to the tracker it's literally round the corner.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My PC is 7 stops away. Ho Ho Hurry the fuck up. :moop:

According to the tracker it's literally round the corner.

A few weeks ago I had an Amazon delivery which had a delivery window of 11:45am-1pm.

At 11:15 it was 3 stops away but it was about an hour away.

It was delivered at 8pm and I believe it wasn't until 7:30 that it went to 2 stops away.

[randomlegend]

A few weeks ago I had an Amazon delivery which had a delivery window of 11:45am-1pm.

At 11:15 it was 3 stops away but it was about an hour away.

It was delivered at 8pm and I believe it wasn't until 7:30 that it went to 2 stops away.

Your man stopped to have a little play on it before delivering.

Just being thankful it was that he decided to try out and not your fleshlight.

[Shindig]

Well, mines been here for 45 minutes. Logged into my Microsoft Account to be greeted with another person's name.

[Manc]

Spikey is such a cuck.

[Spikey M]

For coming home to parcels in the porch?

Parcel in the porch does make a good double entendre, admittedly.

[Lewis]

How much do shops earn for taking Amazon parcels in for collection? I ask because I get most things sent to the Co-op at the bottom of the street, and you always end up with a queue forming behind you whilst they fumble around trying to find it, so unless each parcel comes with a good few pence attached I always wonder whether it's worth their time and effort. The less said about accepting returns the better.

[-james-]

There's nothing more infuriating than seeing the number of stops away tick down 5, 4, 3, 2 and then getting a "sorry, we couldn't deliver your parcel today". Or even a "we tried to deliver your parcel but you weren't in". :mad: :humb:

[Lofty]

How much do shops earn for taking Amazon parcels in for collection? I ask because I get most things sent to the Co-op at the bottom of the street, and you always end up with a queue forming behind you whilst they fumble around trying to find it, so unless each parcel comes with a good few pence attached I always wonder whether it's worth their time and effort. The less said about accepting returns the better.

A decent amount, that's why they have starting plastering delivery lockers all over train stations as a source of passive revenue.

[SvN]

It varies. I know a guy who runs a corner shop and he gets 35p per parcel from Yodel. Apparently bigger places can get double that.

[Pepe]

Funny to see shops go from the place you bought stuff from to the place you pick up the stuff you bought from elsewhere. Might work out better for everyone in the end.

[Spikey M]

£1.40 basically sat waiting in my porch. Money in the bank baby.

[Pepe]

Passive income. :cool:

[Jimmy Floyd]

I had a call from a UK mobile number earlier today. A woman with a thick Indian accent stated my name, said she was from dukdukduk Ltd and told me that the call was being recorded. Then she asked me if I'd like to hear about 'investment options in the stock market'. I said that I wouldn't. She said well, you may not be interested now but it could be interesting in the future. I rang off.

What sort of a scam is that? Was it going to be like a Mellin situation where I give her a grand over the phone? Novel stuff.

[Pepe]

Next time she calls give her a link to the site. You might not want to become rich but some of us do.

[Kikó]

I had a call from a UK mobile number earlier today. A woman with a thick Indian accent stated my name, said she was from dukdukduk Ltd and told me that the call was being recorded. Then she asked me if I'd like to hear about 'investment options in the stock market'. I said that I wouldn't. She said well, you may not be interested now but it could be interesting in the future. I rang off.

What sort of a scam is that? Was it going to be like a Mellin situation where I give her a grand over the phone? Novel stuff.

Reminded me of the video below but basically it's a numbers game.


https://youtu.be/h9Rk51WQC9A?si=1_SkAVYO7arUJiiK

[Lofty]

She's been reading here and knows you have the Kit Kat windfall burning a hole in your pocket.

[Dquincy]

My cunt neighbour ordering shit online when she's never fucking home and my wife continuing to take them in for her. 4 packages are sat in my porch for her. 4. Four. FOUR! it's starting to resemble a pissing sorting office. :mad:
Does the neighbour expect you to go round and drop them off?

[Baz]

Does the neighbour expect you to go round and drop them off?

I had a parcel on the stairs for two days for next door. I lost the battle and dropped it off this morning.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I had a parcel on the stairs for two days for next door. I lost the battle and dropped it off this morning.

Cuck.

[Spikey M]

Cadbury heroes. What a pointless affair.

My Mrs finished work for Christmas yesterday and brought home the last of the tub they had at reception for visitors. Jackpot, you might think. Nope. Nothing but Fudge and Éclairs. Atleast with Celebrations it doesn't get worse than a bounty.

Still, atleast it's not a load of toffee coins.

[Boydy]

I think I've come to accept that most of the big chocolate assortments are shit. There's always too many of the shit ones.

Just looking at the Heroes selection and they have Wispa, Dairy Milk and Twirl. Those are all just chocolate with nothing else. Pointless. And the creme egg ones are shite. The fudge is shit and although I don't mind the odd eclair, there's always more of them than anything else.

Just give me some ferrero rocher or a box of the red lindt ones.

[Baz]

I got my kids one of these Tiny Tony’s Chocolonely (https://www.peacewiththewild.co.uk/product/tiny-tonys-chocolonely/) boxes:

https://i.imgur.com/cNFnyNU.png

I imagine there won't be any left, unlike the dreaded tub of eclairs that's usually around towards New Year.

[Spikey M]

I'm yet to try Tony's. I'm worried it might be a gateway chocolate to RL's level of chocnoncery.

[randomlegend]

I wouldn't worry.

[Spikey M]

If I'm selling my body for bars of 80% free-trade Colombian in 6 months, that's on you.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I bought some naughty percent chocolate the other day to go into a chilli con carne (try it, it's amazing). Had a square off the side and it went down beautifully. Definitely a slippery slope from there to Bridget Jones territory.

[Ben]

If I'm getting some 80% Colombian, it better not be chocolate.

[Baz]

Cocaine is higher in purity than it's ever been. Yet people are still using ket cos it's cheaper.

Looking forward to a generation of people with no bladder.

[Spikey M]

Magic

[randomlegend]

https://www.chocolatetradingco.com/buy/porcelana-70-dark-chocolate-bar

This remains the best chocolate I've ever had, but £10 for a small bar is I accept ludicrous.

Willie's chocolate is really good and UK based, which is nice. Price less bonkers.

https://www.williescacao.com/product/sambirano-gold-71-dark-chocolate/?v=7885444af42e

The guy also seems like a complete legend and was the inspiration for the best ever story on Off Menu.

There's your gateway drug, Spikey.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

"The Porcelana cocoa variety is extremely rare and therefore Amedei only produce a limited amount of Porcelana chocolate each year. The Porcelana is so special that each of the boxes is individually numbered."

Lol.

[randomlegend]

I've only ordered it once when I was having an exam prep meltdown, but it's so fucking good.

[Ben]

Why are you so weird?

[randomlegend]

Who knows, but I embraced it a long time ago.

[Magic]

Magic

I'm doomed. Cubicles only plz.

[Raoul Duke]

Tony's is from the Netherlands, and it's everywhere here. I like the salted caramel one but it's nothing amazingly special overall. The shape of the bars is also a bit annoying as it's in non-cube form, meaning the bits are all random sizes. Really inefficient to eat [/markcorrigan]

[Giggles]

The shape of the bars is the only reason it sells so well. People are thick.

[Spikey M]

Tony's is from the Netherlands, and it's everywhere here. I like the salted caramel one but it's nothing amazingly special overall. The shape of the bars is also a bit annoying as it's in non-cube form, meaning the bits are all random sizes. Really inefficient to eat [/markcorrigan]

Tony's is a terrible name for Dutch chocolate. Cultural Appropriation.

[Baz]

I presume the things I bought will be uniform in shape.

[Dquincy]

I had a parcel on the stairs for two days for next door. I lost the battle and dropped it off this morning.

Yeah that would annoy me. She at least best be attractive next door.

[Dquincy]

Cadbury heroes. What a pointless affair.

My Mrs finished work for Christmas yesterday and brought home the last of the tub they had at reception for visitors. Jackpot, you might think. Nope. Nothing but Fudge and Éclairs. Atleast with Celebrations it doesn't get worse than a bounty.

Still, atleast it's not a load of toffee coins.

Fudge and éclairs are decent no?

Bounty's are the real crime.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I actually like Bounty now.

Fudge is the pits and Eclairs are just too much hassle and take too much time to enjoy. All that wasted time you could have been shoving other ones into your fat face.