The little things in life that fuck you off

[Magic]

Not fat really, no.

At least my parents are still together.

At least mine are happy.

[Disco]

Happy, but also gravely disappointed.

[Magic]

I'm sure the better step-children more than make up for that. :(

*watches more gay porn videos*

[Boydy]

Still not found your da?

[Magic]

I'm just away to meet him for lunch, actually. We'll be discussing such things as:

Why don't you love me?
Why did you leave us?
Why did you tell us you paid child support when you didn't?
Why Dad? WHY?

Over a nice latte and soup/sandwich deal.

[phonics]

Being an only child is such a fucking burden. Why can't I have brothers or sisters to deal with this shit?

Yeah but if we don't completely fuck it, we get all the money for putting up with it.

[Boydy]

I'm just away to meet him for lunch, actually. We'll be discussing such things as:

Why don't you love me?
Why did you leave us?
Why did you tell us you paid child support when you didn't?
Why Dad? WHY?

Over a nice latte and soup/sandwich deal.
:D


Yeah but if we don't completely fuck it, we get all the money for putting up with it.
We're not all as loaded as you.

Although inheriting their house is probably the only chance I'll have of affording a deposit for a house somewhere better.

[phonics]

My Mum told me she's planning on spending my inheritance so we'll probably be equally loaded.

[Magic]

My dad's wealth will go entirely to my little brother and sister, until they hit 18 then it'll be divided by 7. Gotta hope the old cunt hangs on for 6 more years.

My mum's will probably be divided by 5.

In short, they don't have much wealth but now it'll be even worse thanks to all my step and half siblings. I may kill them all.

[Pepe]

I'll never get any inheritance. :(

[Benny]

I'm intrigued by my future inheritance from my parents, my older brother is a complete idiot so will be interesting to see what he gets compared to myself and my younger brother.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Surely leaving more to certain children would be a recipe for total disaster. Unless by 'complete idiot' you mean he's doing a stretch for murder or something.

[niko_cee]

As the eldest I would assume he gets the lot.

[Byron]

Don't think there'll be anything of note for me. Miss Byron will have the mother of court battles. Large extended family, greedy and with a wealthy dad, who clearly favours Miss Byron and her sister above the rest.

[Benny]

Surely leaving more to certain children would be a recipe for total disaster. Unless by 'complete idiot' you mean he's doing a stretch for murder or something.


As the eldest I would assume he gets the lot.

He's not in jail or anything, but any potential money/house that is left in his name would be spent on alcohol, it would be wasted. Pretty sure my dad 'confessed' to me that he and my mum have already put things in place that if anything bad were to happen to them both then it's all left basically to me to figure out, rather than shared equally.

[Magic]

He sounds like a decent laugh, which is more than can be said for his attention seeking emo brother. They probably think you'll off yourself if you don't get a bigger share.

[Benny]

He's a cunt so no surprise you like the sound of him, you fat faced prick.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

He's a cunt so no surprise you like the sound of him, you fat faced prick.

:D

dots.

[Magic]

:D

Never change.

[phonics]

Not sure whether donning or seething. It's a thin line.

[Lewis]

My best bet for inheritance is probably my brother seething himself to death in the near future. I could start a thread about my attempts to keep his activities going.

[Boydy]

Go on then.

[Sam]

I get a pool table.

[Lee]

I'm just waiting for Lauren's mum and dad to die. Although, my dad mentioned to me yesterday that him and mum might by their housing association house so I might be in for a bonanza I'd long accepted would never come. I'd rather have an alive mum and dad but every cloud.....

[Jimmy Floyd]

There are one or two seriously rich fuckers on the fringes of my extended family but there's no way I'm going to inherit from them and retire to the Bahamas. Unless I go all Ascoyne D'Ascoyne on about 20 people first.

[Lewis]

Go on then.

Day 1: The dog looks happy. What am I doing?

[Spoonsky]

I've posted before about the money we're getting from my academic dons of grandparents. It's a second marriage for both of them (grandpa and step-grandma) and they both have kids from the previous marriage, but she only has two kids while he has four, so her two kids get twice the share that my dad and his siblings get. Not that I'm in a position to complain but it seems a bit shit.

[Pepe]

From my father I got three fake Rolex (Rolexes? I don't wear a watch), two pairs of real Ray Bans (I don't wear sunglasses), a few fake Picasso/Degas/Velasco drawings (which are ace to be fair) and a thirty year old car (which I gave to my cousin because she needed it more than me). From my mom I will get fuck all, what with her living in a beachfront building/hotel with three pools, gym, restaurant, volleyball court, who knows what else right in the middle of South Beach despite being a store clerk. As for my sister, she is so in debt that I've had to bail her out twice already. My family. :cool:

[leedsrevolution]

Sounds like most family's Pepe, fucked up. I'm probably due an okay inheritance around 150k, but my brother (that I've never met) is ready and willing to contest the family will because fuck all will be going to him. I doubt he realistically has the cash to actually contest but ultimately it's a bridge I will cross at the time and not something I want to consider at the moment.

[Pepe]

My parents are/were actually not fucked up at all, both quite excellent people, just a bit poor that's all. My sister is a bit of a waster but not too bad either.

[leedsrevolution]

My parents are/were actually not fucked up at all, both quite excellent people, just a bit poor that's all. My sister is a bit of a waster but not too bad either.

All mexicans are poor though. Non starter.

[Pepe]

That's why we move to the US of A to take what's theirs.

[leedsrevolution]

Hows that working out for you? Good burrito sales recently?

[Pepe]

Too much work, rather get a handout.

[leedsrevolution]

Typical muslim. Viva la france.

[Magic]

Top banter, lads.

[Boydy]

My mother's done her back in (I don't know how, she doesn't do anything). She can hardly get out of bed at the minute and I basically feel like I need to stay at home and do shit around the house. This is like a glimpse into my worst nightmare which is if my dad kicks the bucket first out of the two of them and I have to stay here/move back to look after her because she's seemingly useless.

Being an only child is such a fucking burden. Why can't I have brothers or sisters to deal with this shit?

I think some of this is just an attempt to get attention. Took her to the doctor this morning and going over some speed bumps resulted in cries of pain every time. Fuck off does it hurt that much.

[Disco]

:D Boyd the carer is going to he hilarious.

Get up off the floor you lazy bitch.

[randomlegend]

I think some of this is just an attempt to get attention. Took her to the doctor this morning and going over some speed bumps resulted in cries of pain every time. Fuck off does it hurt that much.

You're such a cunt.

[Boydy]

I didn't actually say that to her. I just thought it quietly to myself then posted it on here.

[simon]

My Grandad has been upto some proper weird shit lately.

Firstly, he's not a well man. He's had a few strokes and mini-strokes, he has prostate cancer which the doctors have said doesn't even matter as it's basically 'dormant' and he apparently has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia. Add to that he's a proper Don Draper style pisshead and it's easy to conclude that he probably doesn't have too long left.

Anyway, he crashed his car last weekend. Why he was still driving in the state that he is I'll never know, but there we go. He's driving along a straight country road and has steadily veered right until he's sideways on in the middle of this dyke. No idea how he's managed it but we reckon he's either fallen to sleep or had another one of those mini-strokes. Anyway, he was pretty shook up and finally admitted that he shouldn't be driving anymore and that he'll take the bus from now on in. My parents are relieved as that's the most sensible thing he's come out with in ages and all is well.

That is until this Monday when he's collapsed on the side of a main A road not far away from his house. Turns out what he's done is missed his bus to go to the shops (they come every half an hour) and instead of waiting for the next one, he's inexplicably decided to walk the 9 miles to where he's going instead. There isn't even any footpath down this road, he was literally walking next to all of the traffic.

He used to be a navigator in the RAF and then was an air traffic controller until he retired. He was an incredibly intelligent man and he still shows that from time to time. Sit him down in front of an episode of Eggheads and he'll pull answers out of his arse right, left and centre like it's nothing. I think that's why we're all finding it so bewildering when he pulls this sort of shit. It's like half the time he's there and functioning as normal and then the rest of the time he's just going around being a lunatic.

Fuck getting old, basically.

[Lewis]

I bet that dyke took some calming down.

[Giggles]

Boydy is such a heartless cretin.

[Toby]

He took his mum to the doctor. What's he done wrong exactly?

[Giggles]

He took his mum to the doctor. What's he done wrong exactly?

He probably smashed those speed bumps to see was she faking. In fairness she only reared him so she's a bit selfish not being indestructible and needing a bit of help.

[Reg]

simon :( I feel ya man.

[Spammer]

Got a bunch of people round to our apartment to watch a film. Flatmate thought it'd be cool to do every couple of weeks and it's been nice actually. Come home from football, have a shower and they're usually just about to start it. Anyway, the film finishes and I go to turn it off and the bloke next to me suggests that it's more respectful to those who made the film if we at least watch to the end of the credits.

Wtf :face:

[Disco]

Maintain eye contact, turn off anyway.

[CJay]

They put their heart and soul into those credits, man. Show some respect.

[Spoonsky]

My grandpa's in a bad state, too, Simon. Recently broke his leg and has been stuck in nursing homes since then, and will probably have to stay in one indefinitely unless we get 24-hour home care (which is expensive as shit). The whole situation is a huge, Kafkaesque nightmare. He'd lived in the same house for 45 years so it's depressing that he won't be there anymore. Shit's rough.

[Benny]

Grandparents getting old is always a shitter, my nan turns 90 on Sunday and both her hands have become very shaky now. My birthday card last week looked like a lie detector test result.

[Spammer]

My grandma doesn't even know who I am anymore.

Alzheimer's itself is alright as I just sit and chat to her and she's comfortable more or less at peace with herself, which is the main thing. I think the worst thing is probably that I find it hard nowadays to remember what she was like before she got it.

[Disco]

My grandad used to switch between thinking I was my uncle and someone he'd met in (the) Sudan in the 1940's.

He would never talk about his war experiences normally but when the dementia got worse he would tell mental stories about trying to escape from the Japanese. I didn't really believe them but you don't call out a rambling 92 year old who built a railway with his bare hands.

Turns out they were all true and he really did steal boats and trek the length of several shitty jungle islands only to miss the last allied ship and get scooped up by the Japanese. :|

[simon]

My grandpa's in a bad state, too, Simon. Recently broke his leg and has been stuck in nursing homes since then, and will probably have to stay in one indefinitely unless we get 24-hour home care (which is expensive as shit). The whole situation is a huge, Kafkaesque nightmare. He'd lived in the same house for 45 years so it's depressing that he won't be there anymore. Shit's rough.

Yeah, I reckon the same could end up happening with mine. It could end up being a nice thing to be fair, as my Gran (his wife) is in a home already because of her dementia and that's had an absolutely massive impact on him over the last couple of years. Understandably so, of course.

I'm off in to check on him later on. I've been given a wacking great 'check-list' by my Mum as she was round there last night and is seriously worried that he's not even eating anything until somebody comes round to do it for him.

[Lee]

I'm sat on the toilet with awful unexpected diarrhoea. Pretty sure I cooked my chicken properly earlier. If not this might be it lads. If I don't post for an extended period I've died in my own filth. Lauren has discovered my shitty body upon arrival back from work at about 2.20 tomorrow morning. Spare a thought.

[Giggles]

The final detox from the good diet. You'll feel brand new tomorrow.

[Lee]

I've found it hard to shit since I changed my diet, presumably the latter being responsible for the former; is this just my body righting itself? It had better fucking hurry up if so.

[Magic]

Is Lozza in the NHS too?

[Lee]

Sort of. She works at McDonald's so she's providing some of my best customers.

[Magic]

Well...that's a revelation.

[Lee]

I've metioned it on here a few times over the years. Job's a job.

[Magic]

I thought she'd be a good looking, successful independent woman to treat you with such disdain.

[randomlegend]

I'm sat on the toilet with awful unexpected diarrhoea. Pretty sure I cooked my chicken properly earlier. If not this might be it lads. If I don't post for an extended period I've died in my own filth. Lauren has discovered my shitty body upon arrival back from work at about 2.20 tomorrow morning. Spare a thought.

Glad you're enjoying your weekend.

[Danny]

She is studying though isnt she?

[Magic]

She is studying though isnt she?

Needed italics on the 'is' but :D nevertheless.

[Lee]

I thought she'd be a good looking, successful independent woman to treat you with such disdain.

She's good looking. She let's me do what I want so I'm doing okay.

She isn't studying any more, she got her degree. She's just happy enough picking up a tenner an hour to clock in and clock out. Fair enough really, she doesn't put herself under the stress I do for the sake of work.

[Magic]

Does her sex lack similar ambition?

[Lee]

Sex?

[Magic]

:cool:

[Danny]

She's good looking. She let's me do what I want so I'm doing okay.

I went to find that post about trying to stick it up her arse and her getting mardy as it cracked me up at the time but I gave up.


She isn't studying any more, she got her degree. She's just happy enough picking up a tenner an hour to clock in and clock out. Fair enough really, she doesn't put herself under the stress I do for the sake of work.

That's fair enough. We are in a similar sort of situation but with childcare as opposed to McDonalds

[Jimmy Floyd]

I hope she never finds here and puts 'Lauren' into the search engine. Or maybe her actual name is Pauline, or Wendy.

[Lee]

She knows all about this place. If she was ever bothered enough to check I'd be fucked.

[Reg]

I've found it hard to shit since I changed my diet, presumably the latter being responsible for the former; is this just my body righting itself? It had better fucking hurry up if so.
Get some fibre in you.

[Lewis]

My cousin has ditched her gay three year old with us for the day, and it just doesn't shut up ever. I'm going to batter him.

[Magic]

Just mistakenly asked for a Merlot in an Italian restaurant. The cunt looked at me like I'd just fingered his preteen daughter. Italian cunt.

[Boydy]

What? You get Italian Merlot.

[Smiffy]

.....

[Pen]

Don't think I've ever come across Italian Merlot. (Not saying there isn't any, but they must be rare)

[Boydy]

I ordered a couple of those 'A Very Short Introduction' books from some bookshop off Abe Books. They turned up today. One of them is one that came free with The Time Higher Education Supplement (it says on the front) and uses shittier quality paper (including for the cover).

[Spoonsky]

I've backed into a car half an hour ago, as I was reversing to leave my parking spot. Didn't see it in my mirror. It was only a small dent but still, fuck's sake.

[Giggles]

Did you leg it?

[Spoonsky]

Nah, I'm not a twat (Christmas trees aside, thanks Pepe). It was a mom and her kid. Dreading that phone call now, if we use insurance our rates will skyrocket so we'll probably have to pay out of pocket. Time to get that pizza man job I think.

[Pepe]

if we use insurance our rates will skyrocket so we'll probably have to pay out of pocket. Time to get that pizza man job I think.

The beauty of insurance. Must pay for it but then you can't even use it for its only bloody purpose.

[Spoonsky]

In fairness we used it six months ago when I got in an even more pointless yet costly accident (zoned out at a stop, took my foot off the brake, rolled into the car ahead at 5mph, $3000 of damage to our own car somehow).

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

:D

Mong.

[Pepe]

You're a hazard. :harold:

I crashed my first time taking the car out in Mexico City. Was fifteen at the time and went to a bar with some friends. When we left I crashed into the back of another car. We tried to escape but failed miserably due to traffic. After that I didn't crash again for a few years. Haven't been in a car accident in over ten years now. :cool:


$3000 of damage to our own car somehow).

Mechanics are even bigger crooks than insurance companies in this country so I am not surprised.

[Spoonsky]

In fairness to me, about two years ago my dad did the exact same thing that I did tonight, in the exact same location. You can't escape your DNA.

[Pepe]

I've always wondered who crashes in the US, since everyone seems to drive so politely. Now I know.

EDIT: Did a hundred cops show up to THE SCENE?

[Lewis]

What sort of rises are you subject to if you have an accident?

[Magic]

What sort of rises are you subject to if you have an accident?

Unless he's an acrotomophiliac probably not that big a rise.

[Toby]

In fairness we used it six months ago when I got in an even more pointless yet costly accident (zoned out at a stop, took my foot off the brake, rolled into the car ahead at 5mph, $3000 of damage to our own car somehow).

We had somebody go into the back of us at a junction a while back too. I was really surprised by the impact of it even at just that edging out sort of speed. I think if my car hadn't had a superfluous tow bar to get buckled in it might have done some notable damage.



I crashed my first time taking the car out in Mexico City. Was fifteen at the time and went to a bar with some friends. When we left I crashed into the back of another car.


Had you been drinking?

[Magic]

Trying to find something cheap and shit you need on Amazon to make up the £20 you need for free delivery. :moop:

[Toby]

Here you go: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lost-Translation-Blu-ray-Bill-Murray/dp/B005HI4LPU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1448533469&sr=8-1&keywords=lost+in+translation+bluray

[Magic]

I've just bought a Kindle, that should do it. What's this 'special offers' shite that reduces cost by a tenner?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Sponsored screensavers and offers from Kindle.

Like this:

http://pickmyreader.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Amazon-Kindle-Paperwhite-Special-Offers.jpg

That ad might give your wife ideas though...

[Magic]

Wow, why would anyone pay a tenner to opt out of that?

[Pepe]

Had you been drinking?

A couple of beers iirc.

[Boydy]

Does anyone else hate Christmas jumpers? I don't hate Christmas, I actually quite like it and I don't even hate the jumpers themselves but more how they've been turned into a kind of BANTER LAD accessory rather than just being the naff jumpers they used to be.

[Toby]

I don't hate them or even really think about them but yes, there's definitely a fad propagated by arseholes.

[Boydy]

I don't think about them much either, it was just because I was browsing the sales on a clothes website and saw some.

[Toby]

We should have quietly organised a sweepstake on who would be the first to mention them sincerely, although I guess everybody would have just bet on Foe.

[Boydy]

Something else that fucks me off is when you post something in here (it was originally 'the little things in life that fuck you off', remember) and some knobhead goes 'Oh, I don't hate that, it's too small and inconsequential to hate, I don't even think about it.'

STFU.

Don't be that guy.

[niko_cee]

Yeah, I'm not a massive fan since they have become 'a thing'. It's a bit "look how zany I am!" which is never a good thing. That said, I do have a Christmas T-Shirt this year (I didn't buy it) in the oeuvre of Home Alone (Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal).

[Toby]

Something else that fucks me off is when you post something in here (it was originally 'the little things in life that fuck you off', remember) and some knobhead goes 'Oh, I don't hate that, it's too small and inconsequential to hate, I don't even think about it.'

STFU.

Don't be that guy.

I wouldn't normally but... your sentence literally started, "does anyone else hate... ?"

[Boydy]

Yeah but I was only asking for people that agree with me.

[Toby]

Well that sort of behaviour is a little thing that fucks me off, I guess.

[Giggles]

Does anyone else hate Christmas jumpers? I don't hate Christmas, I actually quite like it and I don't even hate the jumpers themselves but more how they've been turned into a kind of BANTER LAD accessory rather than just being the naff jumpers they used to be.

Yep. They're normally the attire of those insufferable 12-pubs wankers so by default they should be burnt. Preferably while being worn.

[Toby]

Thanks, Giggles. Googling that led to me reading this:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30539356

Is that written by Fry? :sick:

[Giggles]

I actually never realised it was an Irish only thing. It's those absolute wanker 'goys' rigger bigger shower that usually partake, normally boxing heads or puking by pub 6.

Places are copping on though at least.

669467150600523776

[wullie]

"Oh yes, we have to have rules - for the banter, for the craic."

[Boydy]

Not heard of that before.


Rules? "Oh yes, we have to have rules - for the banter, for the craic."
A quick search online brings some up:
Left-handed pub - drink only with your left hand
No swearing pub - no swearing
Silent pub - no speaking
Swapsies pub - swap shoes with someone in your group

Top banter.

[Toby]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, rugby lads are wankers and banter is for arseholes. We know that. But people who write like this are worse:


But suddenly, a hollering collection of young yahoos in garish Christmas jumpers adorned with flashing lights descends and I am abruptly jolted out of my reverie.

What on earth are they doing in what is affectionately known as an old man's pub, bereft of loud muzak, glassy fixtures, and wall-to-wall TVs? Their presence jars insanely with the aged, nicotine-consecrated walls I love so well.

[Giggles]

Just fucking :face:

You wouldn't believe the amount of people avoid places in Dublin, or going out in the city completely, around Christmas because of it.

[Giggles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, rugby lads are wankers and banter is for arseholes. We know that. But people who write like this are worse:

I barely even know what language that is, but the general sentiment is correct. You go into a proper pub then you don't drown the place out guffawing at Geordo and and Tarquin. You shut the fuck up, have a drink if you must, and fuck off and leave the locals to it.

[phonics]

I really enjoyed pub culture in Dublin I mist admit. Ended up meeting more people in one night than I have here in a year.

[Boydy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, rugby lads are wankers and banter is for arseholes. We know that. But people who write like this are worse:

Yeah, that is fucking awful too.

[Reg]

That guy can sure use a thesaurus. :cool:

[Magic]

Christmas jumpers. :drool:

I don't own one, but if you've worked in an office Christmas Jumper day really is a joy to behold. Makes everything feel so festive. Productivity plummets too.

Miserable cunts you lot are.

[Disco]

Does it make it harder to plug all those cables in/out though?

[Magic]

Lol, but:


Christmas jumpers. :drool:

I don't own one, but if you've worked in an office Christmas Jumper day really is a joy to behold. Makes everything feel so festive. Productivity plummets too.

Miserable cunts you lot are.

[Disco]

Alright Harold, it was just an excuse to have a dig, no need to go all pedants corner. I was hoping you'd claim you were a proper engineer again, but this works fine too.

[Magic]

Stating facts isn't claiming.

[Disco]

He's back!

[wullie]

They're doing some kind of dress-down day at work in a few weeks where people are meant to wear Christmas jumpers for charity, in the realms of IT that's very much dressing up.

[Disco]

I normally make sure I've finished for the year before the token christmas stuff happens. I think I've seen the work christmas tree once in 8 years.

[Magic]

Don't poke fun at me then liken me to Bish. :(

[Giggles]

I really enjoyed pub culture in Dublin I mist admit. Ended up meeting more people in one night than I have here in a year.

It's great when they stay under their rocks in the south east of the city. That said, I've just heard out Christmas party isn't in the city this year and I've come over all joyously emotional.

[phonics]

I was at this pub called The Trinity on Dame St. Good place.

[Giggles]

I was at this pub called The Trinity on Dame St. Good place.

Not a bad spot. Usually go there for a few if I've been to something in the Olympia and then up to the Stags Head or Garage for late ones.

[phonics]

Yeah I was staying up the road at The Westinn and needed somewhere to watch the football on boxing day. Couldn't find anywhere for love nor money until we stumbled on that place. I think I might go back sometime soon actually. Good Christmas place for sure.

[igor_balis]

Just remembered something I hate - quidditch. What a stupid, inherently flawed sport - 150 points for the golden snitch? Why do the chasers even bother? 'Oh, but what about when Krum caught the blah blah and the Irish still won waaa waaa' nah fuck off, Krum's a twat. Probably got paid off by the crooked IQA. I heard a theory that JKR did it on purpose to annoy people like me, in which case...fair play.

[phonics]

Yeah I've always found it a flawed game for the same reason.

[phonics]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CU088-JWIAEZ_q5.jpg:large

No. You.

[Boydy]

I quite like the twitter account but that's too far.

[Disco]

Don't poke fun at me then liken me to Bish. :(

Don't worry honey, it's all just a bit of fun. Pop off and have a Syrian torture wank and you'll feel much better.

[igor_balis]

I don't like get in the sea anymore either. I think it is a case of, well, to paraphrase Shakespeare or someone, 'first they came for the topknots, and I did not speak out - because I did not have a topknot, blah blah, and then they had a go at something I liked and I got pissed off'.

[Baz]

What's Get In The Sea?

[Boydy]

What's Get In The Sea?

https://twitter.com/getinthesea

[Baz]

:dirk:

[Disco]

I did just read the word 'spunktrumpets' though so it's not all bad.

[Disco]

Forgetting which card number is mine and accidentally ordering a takeaway on the work credit card. :moop:

[Lewis]

Does anyone else hate Christmas jumpers? I don't hate Christmas, I actually quite like it and I don't even hate the jumpers themselves but more how they've been turned into a kind of BANTER LAD accessory rather than just being the naff jumpers they used to be.

GS has one. :lol:

[Giggles]

GS has one. :lol:

His has Jesus on it though.

[Pepe]

GS has one. :lol:

He loves a good office bant.

[GS]

We've had a 'year group' Christmas dinner every year since we all started in purgatory and a decision was taken that we'd wear Christmas jumpers at one of them. I could have refused to participate on point of principle, but why would you be that much of a wanker over trivia.

[Lewis]

Good point, Adolf Eichmann.

[Shindig]

I've just been furiously trying to get the wrong size bulb into a light fitting.

[Magic]

Wow, just seen on FB a friend of a friend who is smoking hot is actually a lesbian and she's gotten engaged. Finally, a hot lesbian couple. Erm, no. She's with a chubby 3/10. :sick:

What is wrong with the world.

[Shindig]

There's a lass I used to work with who had some good taste in woman. Then she ruined it by getting engaged to a 15 year-old.

[Magic]

Oh...oh it's a joke apparently.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Stupid fucking bitches.

[igor_balis]

My mate's first long term girlfriend broke up with him and became a lesbian. His second long term girlfriend broke up with him, revealed she was bi, and slept with the first one. Oof.

[Dquincy]

My mate's first long term girlfriend broke up with him and became a lesbian. His second long term girlfriend broke up with him, revealed she was bi, and slept with the first one. Oof.

Were either of them hot?

How's your mate fairing up?

[igor_balis]

Both. And he's fine, it was years ago. He saw the funny side pretty quickly.

[Dquincy]

I saw the erotic side.

[Pepe]

One of my lesbian (fb) friend's new girlfriend is :drool:worthy.

Speaking of which, my fb perving material has decreased considerably in the past few years. I guess women are wising up. :(

[Dquincy]

One of my lesbian (fb) friend's new girlfriend is :drool:worthy.

Speaking of which, my fb perving material has decreased considerably in the past few years. I guess women are wising up. :(

Or you're getting old?

[Pepe]

Fuuuu.

[Toby]

http://i.imgur.com/jhiXecN.png

:sick:

[Giggles]

It did that for me yesterday because Spurs were playing Chelsea.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've already written to Google complaining that their Loch Ness monster isn't depicted as pro-SNP.

[Spammer]

I've just found some of those little rubber 3G balls in my fucking fridge. How is that even possible?

[Disco]

Some what?

[Boydy]

The little rubber balls you get on 3G astro-turf pitches.

[Disco]

Well there you go, never knew that existed, I've only ever used the sandy ones.

[Spammer]

The get everywhere. It's ridiculous.

[Toby]

It's definitely winter now, lads. I don't normally mind it but I've been fucking freezing the past couple of days. Maybe I'm getting old, but it makes me wish humans were hibernators.

[Shindig]

Looks like someone's going to bottle the work do after picking what they want from the menu and then giving us the silent treatment. Something she also did last year. Poor form to not say you're not interested.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Work dos fuck me off. Korean ones are obviously worse as they can handle very little alcohol. It ends up as a constant stream of bullshit toasts to different people in exactly the same three syllable chant format: name-name-name, name-name-name and then a complimentary three syllable adjective about the person. The whole thing is preceded by a declaration that it's time for '*name* Club!'

Last time my adjective was 'smart', which they had absolutely no qualms making into three syllables.

Some of the other ones were lol, 'handsome man' probably the outright winner.

[Magic]

It's definitely winter now, lads. I don't normally mind it but I've been fucking freezing the past couple of days. Maybe I'm getting old, but it makes me wish humans were hibernators.

Of course it is you clown, the 1st of December heralds the beginning of the meteorological winter.

[Magic]

I've just found some of those little rubber 3G balls in my fucking fridge. How is that even possible?

There's a technology/fetish joke in there somewhere but I can't be arsed looking for it.

[Toby]

Of course it is you clown, the 1st of December heralds the beginning of the meteorological winter.

Yes, and the weather is appropriately matching the season. As if the 1st of December is always three degrees colder than the days before it. You fucking gimp.

[Magic]

It's actually warming up as a warm front from southern Europe reaches us. Will bring wet and windy weather though.

[Lee]

Of course it is you clown, the 1st of December heralds the beginning of the meteorological winter.

The meteorologists only use these dates because it's convenient to collect data for full calendar months though. 'Meteorological winter' is bollocks in reality. Proper winter starts at the solstice and ends at spring equinox.

All about the position of the Earth relative to the sun. December is typically autumnal in terms of actual weather. Loads of wind and rain.

[Toby]

It's been windy and rainy for the past couple of weeks here. Today is flat calm but freezing. I had to take the kettle to the windscreen before I could drive this morning.

[Magic]

Equinox? What are you, a fucking Aztec or some shit? Fuck off.

[Toby]

The meteorologists only use these dates because it's convenient to collect data for full calendar months though. 'Meteorological winter' is bollocks in reality. Proper winter starts at the solstice and ends at spring equinox.

All about the position of the Earth relative to the sun. December is typically autumnal in terms of actual weather. Loads of wind and rain.


Equinox? What are you, a fucking Aztec or some shit? Fuck off.

Schooled.

[Magic]

Pouring boiling hot water on to frozen glass, what could go wrong!

[Toby]

A lot, which is why I boiled it before I went in the shower and poured it on lukewarm.

[Magic]

Should have boiled yer heed.

[Toby]

Go have a wank and come back when you've settled down a bit, you pleb.

[Magic]

Though one would imagine you'd use up quite a lot of electricity to get enough boiling water.

http://rainbowdash.net/file/anarchycarcino-20120730T104411-63gwslk.gif

[Magic]

Speaking of Christmas Jumpers:

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/12311115_10153773583124914_4758605247935669086_n.j pg?oh=58264ae628cc8563406475f893eb7ccf&oe=56EF94B6

[Lee]

Equinox? What are you, a fucking Aztec or some shit? Fuck off.

Pretty sure I saw you heralding the beginning of autumn at the autumnal equinox in September.

[Magic]

Hate working from home in the winter. Off to Sainsburys to mooch around and use some of their heating.

[Toby]

It's meteorological winter, you dolt, you should have been better prepared.

[Magic]

You can't prepare for it really. I did think about getting fingerless gloves but they don't help that much apparently.

[Toby]

Shop workers faced with a customer buying fingerless gloves should really just treat it as a cry of "will you please end my misery now".

[Magic]

My ex-boss used to wear them, he had arthritis in his hands though so he was knuckleless. Also had a ponytail too. Nailed on paedo.

[Pepe]

I wear fingerless gloves. Crochet ones no less.

[Baz]

Was going to order something online last night but their website was unbelievably slow so I went to bed. Now it's out of stock. :panda:

[Magic]

Fucking lol. I've just spent the past 30 minutes trying to get my old photos off Bebo only to find out that it's been dead in the water since October, according to Twitter (I'm just going off tweets to their support, to which there were no replies).

Fuck my life.

[CJay]

5 seconds of googling:

https://www.bebo.com/faq (from 31st Jan, apparently)

Hmm maybe that's old.

[Magic]

Yeah 2014, you smart alec potato picking cunt.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Bowling.

Had 3 games today (120, 125 and then a shocking 81) and my thumb is in absolute agony.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Nudity logic. This thought was triggered by seeing this ridiculous Mail 'story' about Madonna in which they've found some nude pictures of her from 30+ years ago. Not particularly interesting unless historical based wanking is your thing but anyway, what is the problem we have with women's nipples? They look exactly the same as men's nipples, which are seen all the time, and their only extra function is to provide life-giving milk to newborns, a glorious thing. See the below in-no-way-safe-for-work example:

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/12/05/17/2F16665B00000578-3347373-image-a-65_1449335670963.jpg

So every other millimetre of her flesh has been printed and yet somehow a tiny black box over a nipple has preserved her modesty? I don't think so.

Meanwhile this picture, where you can see her arse - which is what poo comes out of - and there is no black box.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/12/05/17/2F1666AD00000578-3347373-image-a-57_1449335549132.jpg

I must have missed something somewhere along the way.

[Spammer]

I reckon her actual arsehole would have been blacked out.

Its stupid though, I agree.

[Boydy]

One of my neighbours is mowing his lawn right now. At dark. With someone holding a fucking torch for him.

Fucking bellend.

[Lee]

That's the behaviour of a psychopath. You're probably not safe.

[Giggles]

One of my neighbours is mowing his lawn right now. At dark. With someone holding a fucking torch for him.

Fucking bellend.

Fucking hell :D

Has the wife threatened to fuck off if he didn't or something?

[Lee]

I'd let her go.

[Disco]

Surely 'at night' or 'in the dark', or this some regional thing?

[Lewis]

lol at 'At dark'.

[Giggles]

I never noticed that. The northies have some strange ones, but 'at dark' is just plain wrong.

[Boydy]

'at dark' is common here.

He used to do it about every other day in the summer, I think. His annoying noisy kids play on it so maybe he thinks he's the groundsman for their tiny little football pitch or something.

[Spammer]

I went to the Leeds sexual health clinic a few weeks ago to get tested and came out fine, but they said to come back around now for another blood test, and in the interim period between then and now they've fucking moved right next to my bastarding workplace. What's more, its in a shopping centre where any fucker over 6 foot can see straight over the translucent glass and into the waiting room. I don't need this shit.

[Shindig]

How convenient.

[Chrissy]

I'll tell you all what fucks me off. Working my cunt off on something only to be told the remuneration is now in exposure not in cash, as verbally agreed on the contract that doesn't exist. More pissed at my own gullibility than at the cuntwinging git.

Hammer, just tell all your workmates you are worried you might have caught aids off a vicious one night stand. That way you can all celebrate when you get the all clear and folk will pray for you online until then. Don't be in fear, own it.

[Spammer]

Own it :cool:

The main problem there is that the lass I'm seeing at the moment is someone I work with, so I'm a bit wary of any word getting out about anything.

[Chrissy]

Own it :cool:

The main problem there is that the lass I'm seeing at the moment is someone I work with, so I'm a bit wary of any word getting out about anything.

Yeah, however the thinking man would tell her "btw huni i'm getting blood tests as not feeling too great, feeling a bit low on energy, GP advised me to go to the local clinic to get samples".


If in doubt dude, lie like fuck.

[phonics]

I'll tell you all what fucks me off. Working my cunt off on something only to be told the remuneration is now in exposure not in cash, as verbally agreed on the contract that doesn't exist. More pissed at my own gullibility than at the cuntwinging git.

Yeah, one of those things where you make the mistake once or at most twice. Proper cunts.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, one of those things where you make the mistake once or at most twice. Proper cunts.

Yeah very much so dude. Although it has led to something pretty epic, so i'm lucky I guess.

[phonics]

Last person who said they'd pay me in exposure lead to me agreeing to do the work and saying I'd do it right up until the day he had to present to his client and then ignored him until he sent me a message saying how much this would cost me. I told him I'd saved myself about 500 quid of my time by not doing anything.

[John]

Last person who said they'd pay me in exposure lead to me agreeing to do the work and saying I'd do it right up until the day he had to present to his client and then ignored him until he sent me a message saying how much this would cost me. I told him I'd saved myself about 500 quid of my time by not doing anything.

If that was your opening gambit in those negotiations it's no wonder you can't get work.

[phonics]

If that was your opening gambit in those negotiations it's no wonder you can't get work.

Hmm?

[Disco]

If I'm reading it right his opening gambit was Yes, I'll take the work which seems an ok strategy to me.

[Chrissy]

I find in the creative industries there is an element of "prove yourself" to get a foot in the door. Iv'e no problem with that. I'll be doing that for a while still. However, agreeing to pay someone then coming the cunt the day of remuneration is a whole different ball game. Again though, partly my own fault for not having anything in writing.

I'll gig for free more often than I will do paid for the foreseeable future. That's me earning my stripes and is long established as the norm in my industry.

Must be a pain in the arse for those in others though. I at least know if I do well I'll eventually progress regardless.

[igor_balis]

Funny one ennit. On one hand I get the viewpoint that it is pretty gross how certain industries have normalised working for free and made people just be grateful for an 'opportunity'. I'm all ready to go down to the picket lines and sing the Internationale, but then I think of all the people I know from school and uni who are starting out in stand-up and 'the media' and remember how shite they are and I'm glad they're getting fuck all. Probably lean towards the former though.

[Baz]

Went out last night and "took it easy." This means I had four pints of bitter shandy rather than proper pints, and three pints of real ale, although one of them was 6.8% cos my mates a jeb. Oh and one of the shandy's was 50% bitter, 25% lemonade and 25% lager, which I didn't realise until it had gone. I didn't have shots though even though the others did - even sat out of the tasting sesh of D-Beck's whiskey. :stamford:

Woke up this morning feeling alright, but then spewed up twice, and had a 40 minute dentist appointment at 10:15 for a filling. Was a bad time.

Only saving grace was the fat dental nurse whose only job is to hoover my gums, had a fit face, so inbetween closing my eyes and pretending I was in bed I just stared her out. £75 and all; what a bad day.

[Boydy]

I drank too much coffee today and now I can't sleep.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

A dickhead on Facebook posting a picture of a few bottles of beer and writing this:

#‎working‬ ‪#‎weekend‬ ‪#‎nightin‬ with a ‪#‎few‬ ‪#‎bottles‬ ‪#‎almost‬ ‪#‎xmas‬

Fuck off mate.

[Manc]

At least you posted it here, mate.

[Magic]

The price of board games. Frustration is £12. £12! Pop up pirate is £10. SnL is £12. Problem with buying them second hand is missing parts.

[Boydy]

In my break in work and someone else in the break room is watching the fucking apprentice on their phone. Fuck off.

[Giggles]

Have you not seen it or is it just that they haven't got headphones?

[Boydy]

I fucking hate it. And they haven't got headphones. I wanted peace and quiet on my break as the bar's really busy. Ourside having a smoke now though so I don't have to listen to that shite any more.

[Giggles]

Not using headphones is an offence worth a beating.

[Shindig]

They're repaving the side of my street where my house is so I have to double-back on myself every day of my life til this is over.

[Foe]

Emails from the national lottery with news about your ticket that turns out to be £3.30.

Fuck off making me excited unless it's six figures. Bastards.

[igor_balis]

Okay, I'm not entirely sure if this is something I should be annoyed by or if it's my problem - thought I'd seek the counsel of you lot.

With very occasional exceptions, I'm happy to introduce any of my mates to any of my other mates. If I have something fun going on in Edinburgh that I think friends from home would enjoy, I'd invite the fuckers. Why not? But one of my closest and oldest mates, one of the friends I'm constantly introducing to other people, is the opposite. He has an established group of friends in Manchester, but I've barely ever met them.

Once I got really drunk and confronted him about it - I asked why he never invites me up to do stuff in Manchester, and especially highlighted the fact I was having a really bollocks time in my shit provincial home town at that point, and that I never had anything to do. He just said that he likes to keep his groups of friends separate, that he felt awkward introducing home friends to uni friends.

I think this would be fair enough if we weren't that close, or if I was the same with my mates, but the fact that he's happy to join in the festivities whenever I'm organising stuff, and even asked if he could crash at my (and my mum's) house on Christmas eve night less than five minutes after he awkwardly said he was going to some big rave tonight that he'd not invited me to...I dunno. It feels like the line between 'well, that's his prerogative, fair play' and just being a shit mate has been crossed.

Thoughts?

[SvN]

You're being a woman.

[igor_balis]

You're being a woman.

Probz the pithy advice I needed. I dunno, writing it all out like that does give the impression I'm being a big girl about it, but I'm not losing sleep over it or owt. Maybe I should re-write it into 'my mate is a weirdo about his friends mixing, is he being a dickhead, a bit autistic or am I just overreacting?' Wouldn't it fuck you off if you kept inviting your mate to stuff and he never invited you?

[SvN]

Not in the circumstance you're describing. Me and my main group of mates all have their own separate groups they do stuff with. The only time they ever mix is stag dos and weddings.

[John]

Just stop inviting him. It's a bit petty, but if it's annoying you that he doesn't reciprocate then it's about all you can do. Moaning that he never invites you out with his mates make you sound like you think of yourself as his girlfriend or something.

[igor_balis]

Good advice from both of you. I think I need to accept that my weird obsession with integrating all my mates makes me unusual, rather than him for not. I guess he never asked me to involve him in my Gorgie adventures.

I just want the World to be more connected, like Zuckerberg. :(

[igor_balis]

And I'm probably just bitter that he's going to Warehouse project and I'm not, lol.

[Kikó]

I didn't know it meant that much to you. I'll introduce you to my mates.

[mugbull]

I don't fuck with fake drawers. If you want to preserve an aura of symmetry everywhere you go then build drawers for Taoist monasteries. just remember that every time i'm looking for something and I try to open one of the 14 fake drawers in my vicinity i am driven to sin

[Jimmy Floyd]

Other people's friends are generally god awful anyway.

[Spoonsky]

There was that thread about it on the old TTH that Lewis linked the other day. RL made the correct point that if you meet your friends' friend and you like them, they just become your friend, so the friends of your friends will tend to be people you don't like.

[Lewis]

That's the beauty of the theory. It's completely water-tight. That said, all of my friends' other friends (that I've met) are shit.

[igor_balis]

Yeah it is a good theory. Actually, most of my best mates are people who were previously friends of friends, and generally the initial mutual friends are out of the picture on both sides. Stealing friends :cool:

[igor_balis]

Though it isn't exactly a mind-blowing theory - that's just how people make friends.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I like your beard, it's very hipster.

Fuck you.

I really wanted to just shave it off when someone said that today, it's not a fucking compliment.

[Manc]

At what level is your beard at, Mahow?

An Asian fellow in work asked if mine was for religious beliefs. Definitely needs a trim.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

About the same as the mugshot I posted on the old board in the summer.

Foolishly I decided to trim it using clippers about 3/4 months ago thinking that on the highest setting I would be left with a nice amount. I was wrong, so I'm pretty much back at what I was perhaps a touch longer.

I'd say about 4 inches.

[Manc]

Is the lady in your life satisfied with it?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

If I had a lady in my life I'd make sure she had a beard fetish.

[Manc]

It's great for tickling the anus when you go downtown.

[igor_balis]

I'm too cack-handed to trim mine without immediately fucking it up, so I just get the barber to do it.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I'm too cack-handed to trim mine without immediately fucking it up, so I just get the barber to do it.

I wanted my barber to set a proper neck line an inch above my Adams apple (I'm also cack-handed) but he refused to do it for some reason.