The little things in life that fuck you off

[Lewis]

The whole thing is a wheeze thought up by middle class white women to get onto the victim train. The only aspect of it that stands up to any sort of scrutiny is the idea that women are more susceptible than men to certain forms of violence; but then what happens to my white privilege if I stroll into a dangerous black area?

[Spikey M]

Can we unban Harold to reply to that post?

She made a stupid comment that has no backing whatsoever. She can back peddle if she wants but the fact remains that her comment was racist. If a white person had started just about any sentence with "all black people" then they would have been out the door too.

She's now upset that her privilege to be allowed to flap her gums with no consequence has done one. Good. Now fuck off on to Tumblr.

[randomlegend]

I feel like I'm supposed to give that hammer post a grade.

[niko_cee]

In similar matters of racial sensitivity I see Charlie Hebdo have excelled themselves, although it doesn't seem to have brought about the sort of parooxysm of outrage that has become such a feature of modern life. I suppose everyone's too busy with those Cool Runnings impersonators.

[Shindig]

Oh, wow. That's awful. You can't even call it satire.

[Baz]

https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/ax204_1f70_9.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&strip=all

[Byron]

Read that moral L'Oreal story yesterday. What an absolute thundercunt that 'model' was.

[Spammer]

I feel like I'm supposed to give that hammer post a grade.

:D

Aye, tis a bit of an essay.

[Magic]

:D

Aye, tis a bit of an essay.

I'd give it an F tbh.

[mugbull]

I originally thought the entire post was a quote that you found and were sharing, but nah man, you've got an expository gift

[Spikey M]

I'd give it an F tbh.

F for Fuckboy beta-cuck.

[mugbull]

Mate, Fuckboy means alpha cunt

[Spikey M]

Fuck off I'm 31

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/ax204_1f70_9.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&strip=all

I saw that at newsstand today.

[Magic]

Nazism was our last chance.

[Spammer]

Ooh, edgy.

[Boydy]

Are Charlie Hebdo actually saying that themselves or are they parodying US liberals who were saying that?

[phonics]

The former, Charlie Hebdo isn't funny. TBF there isn't a funny political cartoon in existence.

[phonics]

The former, Charlie Hebdo isn't funny. TBF there isn't a funny political cartoon in existence.

I mean really:
904297924632256512

[Lewis]

I spend my days re-tweeting political cartoons and 'Nailed it' to look clever.

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Handkerchiefs.

What's the deal here exactly? Does anyone younger than 70 use them? Blowing a load of snot into one then stuffing it into your pocket at the dinner table? Ugh.

Prompted by my mum's partner doing just that, bloody Yorkshireman.

[mo]

I used to use them purely because that was the norm in our house growing up. I've not done so in the last 5 years or so though because of just how impractical and disgusting they are.

[niko_cee]

Not that I use them, but how are they more disgusting than keeping a paper tissue in your pocket?

[phonics]

Don't you throw them away after you use them?

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Do folk not just bin them as soon as they're used?

[Raoul Duke]

Restaurants: if I ask for the bill, chances are I want to pay the bill. Bring the fucking card machine over with the bill.

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Thank the gods, there's sanity here yet.

[John]

A used paper tissue should only remain on your person for as long as it takes to reach a bin. Cloth hankies need to go the way of the cloth nappy.

A good start on that would be to issue prison sentences to anyone who offers someone their cloth hanky after they've sneezed or whatever. Those people are unacceptable.

[phonics]

Restaurants: if I ask for the bill, chances are I want to pay the bill. Bring the fucking card machine over with the bill.

It's probably a subconscious thing where if you pay with cash you're more likely to tip.

[Boydy]

You can get several uses out of a tissue, you wasteful fucks. You're killing the planet.

[niko_cee]

I can only assume all you single use fuckers are using tissues akin to that tracing paper toilet 'paper' you used to find in schools/public toilets. A solid mansize will last multiple usages. Sort yourselves out.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Reusing tissues :sick:

We're not under communist rule ffs.

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Putting a tissue full of snot back in your pocket? Are you from Yorkshire too?

[mugbull]

Eat your snot and you'll save a tree.

[Boydy]

I mostly pick anyway. I only ever really need to blow my nose if I've got a cold.

[John]

Where do you put the picked snotters.

[Boydy]

I flick 'em away.

[Giggles]

Wipe them in door handles and the like.

[John]

So you're just walking around with a little film of bogey residue on your hand, you fucking animal.

[Raoul Duke]

It's probably a subconscious thing where if you pay with cash you're more likely to tip.

Most places just include a service charge

[phonics]

Yeah that's legally obligated over here and then some (like myself, how do you do) tip on top of that as we all know the service charge goes to the restaurant not the server.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Yesterday I was paying by card and had to actually hand the thing back to him and say 'can I include service please'. The waitering equivalent of fishing for compliments.

[Boydy]

Yeah that's legally obligated over here and then some (like myself, how do you do) tip on top of that as we all know the service charge goes to the restaurant not the server.

Yeah even if the restaurant does actually give out the tips/service that are paid by card to the staff, they'll have to pay tax on it first. Waiting staff much prefer tips by cash.

[phonics]

Didn't Pizza Express get done over for this exact thing actually?

I still remember a Pizza Express opening up in Godalming in 97 and it being thought of as the height of sophistication. Garlic bread! I remember thinking it was amazing. Probably consider the exact garlic bread they served as complete wank these days. Using herbs, who did they think they were?

[Jimmy Floyd]

We got ours in 1996 (obviously took them another year to get through that stupid turning off the A3 in the days before satnav) and it was a thing of genuine wonder.

[phonics]

I did edit from 96 to 97 out of precaution. The only person who could confirm it was the deceased 'nickfootie' but he would have been about 3 at the time.

[niko_cee]

We drove ours off the island shortly after it opened because they wouldn't sell chips.

And let me tell you, a world without Pizza Express, or virtually all major food chains, is a pretty good thing.

[phonics]

I may be misremembering but I think Ben Elton ran for Mayor around the same time and lost. The pre celebrity years.

[phonics]

We drove ours off the island shortly after it opened because they wouldn't sell chips.

And let me tell you, a world without Pizza Express, or virtually all major food chains, is a pretty good thing.

It's fucking depressing going over to the U.K. now and realizing that every town is pretty much the same place with different price tags.

[Disco]

Ben Elton being a complete twat probably didn't do him any favours either.

[niko_cee]

Didn't do Ken Livingstone any harm.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Based on my theory that small countries' cuisine is basically a mixture of that of the two big countries on either side, I can only presume that Jersey has horror shows called tarte du cottage and the like, and absolutely terrible attempts at tomato sauce.

[niko_cee]

No, they have 2 pizza expresses and all the major fast food chains (and also some good stuff, for the sake of fairness).

[Boydy]

I quite like pizza express. I wouldn't go there to sit on but the pizzas are a lot better than Dominos.

[phonics]

One day I'll make enough money to introduce the tartiflette to the England Massive and I'll be a millyunaire.

[phonics]

I quite like pizza express. I wouldn't go there to sit on but the pizzas are a lot better than Dominos.

Probably think you're thinking of jumping and trying to get you down off the roof.

Edit: Tried to get in before the edit but this joke doesn't work as well as the other. Damn.

[Disco]

It's basically cheese and onion crisps so you're behind the curve already.

[Boydy]

Sit in! Fuck off making fun of my phone keyboard typos, Phonics. :D

[phonics]

It's basically cheese and onion crisps so you're behind the curve already.

Now if anyone can make my idea of 'Sandwiches but with crisps already in them and don't go soggy' work you can have my tartiflette money.

[niko_cee]

I'm a big fan of tartiflette, but it has its place, and we don't really have any mountains, so it's a no for me.

Get to the root of what is making your crisps soggy and I'm sure there's a solution out there for you.

[Jimmy Floyd]

No, they have 2 pizza expresses and all the major fast food chains (and also some good stuff, for the sake of fairness).

Sorry, I forgot you were from Sark.

I had tartiflette at a farmer's market a while back (fuck off Lewis) and yeah, not sure it works out of context.

[Disco]

Waterproof crisps.

[niko_cee]

You can get one of the best lunches on the planet on that fair isle.

And disinherit your daughter/assert a few feudal rights whilst you're at it.

[Lewis]

Pizza Express, SvN. Don't they do a really good low-calorie range?

[phonics]

I'm a big fan of tartiflette, but it has its place, and we don't really have any mountains, so it's a no for me.

You could definitely sell it somewhere cold and shit like Hull/Wales. Just don't cook it in the ginormous pot and put it in a bucket for trendy points. Jobs a good'un.

[niko_cee]

They already have pies though.

Pies are your Achilles heel here, and the welsh already have there own cheese/carb 'delicacy' so that's going to be tricky as well.

[Lewis]

'It's like potato bake, but three times as expensive[?].'
'You're alright.'

[phonics]

Waterproof crisps.

Individually laminated crisps where the protective film melts upon breaking? But then you'd have to worry about delivery. I've thought about this for way too long.

It's Salt & Shake for the Sandwich. We're so close guys.

[phonics]

They already have pies though.

Pies are your Achilles heel here, and the welsh already have there own cheese/carb 'delicacy' so that's going to be tricky as well.

I'd ask if there's a cheese, bacon and potato pie but Kiko once posted a picture of a Pie in a Bap like that's a normal thing so I'm going to assume yes and let the dream die.

[SvN]

Pizza Express, SvN. Don't they do a really good low-calorie range?

Not sure, not a huge fan myself.

[Disco]

Individually laminated crisps where the protective film melts upon breaking? But then you'd have to worry about delivery. I've thought about this for way too long.

It's Salt & Shake for the Sandwich. We're so close guys.

Just add a third piece of bread and keep them separate from the rest of the stuff.

[Reg]

Why are the crisps wet?

[phonics]

Why are the crisps wet?

Because you have to keep them inside the sandwich inside a fridge for love periods. Try it. If the bread is fresh, the crisps will be wet. Can't be done.

Edit: love periods is too good to edit after I've done Boydy for it twice in a day. *long.

[phonics]

Just add a third piece of bread and keep them separate from the rest of the stuff.

That's too much bread! No-one actually likes those double decker sandwiches. Don't think I haven't thought of this.

[Disco]

Oh yeah, the guy who puts crisps in his sandwich should really be concerned about too many carbs.

[niko_cee]

If it's just putting them in the fridge that's causing it, then don't?

[Reg]

Try wrapping the individual crisps in salad leaves.

If that doesn't work, get back to me.

[niko_cee]

Salad leaves are bound to be damp so that's a non-starter.

What happens if you try to incorporate crisps into bread in the baking process? Where's MdlF these days?

[phonics]

I can put crisps in a sandwich you mongs. I'm trying to mass produce these things on a Ginsters level.

[Boydy]

Individually laminated crisps where the protective film melts upon breaking? But then you'd have to worry about delivery. I've thought about this for way too long.

It's Salt & Shake for the Sandwich. We're so close guys.

Why not just put the crisps in the sandwich when you want to eat it? It takes two seconds.

EDIT: Hadn't refreshed the page.

[Lewis]

There used to be a shop near the school that sold these blinding lasagna pies, but I've never seen them since.

[mugbull]

Went to a Fulham game on Saturday and got a pie expecting a wonderful English fare but mistakenly bought a curry pie instead. Although i guess that's as english as anything these days

[Jimmy Floyd]

The balti pie is a well established tradition. Get a cup of hot bovril next time for the full English experience.

[John]

Why not just put the crisps in the sandwich when you want to eat it? It takes two seconds.

EDIT: Hadn't refreshed the page.

He's cited 'Salt and Shake' crisps as the model, which means that's exactly what he's after.

Tesco, along with most other supermarkets I'd imagine, have solved the problem with their 'meal deal' which offers a sandwich and a bag of crisps for a set price.

[Boydy]

He's cited 'Salt and Shake' crisps as the model, which means that's exactly what he's after.


:D

Good point.

[mugbull]

The balti pie is a well established tradition. Get a cup of hot bovril next time for the full English experience.

I'm not Oliver Twist

[phonics]

:D

Good point.

I was referring to the revolution of the luncheon experience.

[phonics]

You're probably the only person on this board smaller and thinner than me.

Edit: I definitely hit the quote mokbull button but I'll live with it.

[mugbull]

You're probably the only person on this board smaller and thinner than me.

Edit: I definitely hit the quote mokbull button but I'll live with it.

I need backup here

igor_balis I'm a big strong boy right?

[phonics]

No bottom can refer to themselves as a 'big strong boy'.

[mugbull]

I can if i eat your ass

[Lewis]

Bovril is great you fanny.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I know it is, but Johnny Foreigner would hate it.

[Lewis]

I was talking to mokkers.

On your poncey farmers' market, there appears to be so few images of Tony Blair interacting with the British countryside that 'Tony Blair farmer' brings up pictures of Tony Martin before any of him meeting one.

[Spikey M]

Sit in! Fuck off making fun of my phone keyboard typos, Phonics. :D


Leave him alone, he's tired after walking 9 - 5.

[randomlegend]

It's fucking depressing going over to the U.K. now and realizing that every town is pretty much the same place with different price tags.

It obviously does have a load of the chains, but Norwich has started to have a lot more independent (and very good) places opening in the last couple of years or so. I don't know if that trend follows across the country, but it's great here at least.

[igor_balis]

I need backup here

igor_balis I'm a big strong boy right?

You're well hard, mate.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It obviously does have a load of the chains, but Norwich has started to have a lot more independent (and very good) places opening in the last couple of years or so. I don't know if that trend follows across the country, but it's great here at least.

South of the Blair Line, yeah (Wash to the Severn), but not north of it.

[Lewis]

Even Hull has got a load of smaller food places these days. Town centres are just left to the chains because nobody else can afford the rents and rapacious business rates.

[John Arne]

What kind of a 'tech professional' goes to an Apple launch event to whoop and cheer like a fucking cheerleader. Grow the fuck up, you daft Yank cunts.

[Disco]

Who the hell goes to an Apple launch event.

[Shindig]

Hipsters.

[Lewis]

It's probably like those old communist meetings where anyone not whooping like a spaz gets blacklisted forever.

[Disco]

It seems like he kind of thing that even complete wankers would think was a bit much.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's probably like those old communist meetings where anyone not whooping like a spaz gets blacklisted forever.

A dead but still venerated founding god-icon, legions of robotic sycophants, regular parades of pointless technology, a complete refusal to acknowledge that better options are available... but that's enough about North Korea.

[Spikey M]

The only people justified in whooping are the people that have had Apple shares since the 80's.

[John Arne]

Who the hell goes to an Apple launch event.

Excellent question. Apparently, easily excitible morons.

[Lewis]

By contrast, even the battle-hardened TTH cynics would have got well caught up in Steve Ballmer bouncing around the stage sweating his head off.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My monitor has died :(

[Adamski]

Now if anyone can make my idea of 'Sandwiches but with crisps already in them and don't go soggy' work you can have my tartiflette money.

In your face Mario Melt-iot.

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/crisp-sandwich-shop-sells-out-30899682.html

[phonics]

That's just a sandwich made out of crisps made on location.

[Disco]

Moon on a fucking stick.

[Adamski]

That's just a sandwich made out of crisps made on location.

https://www.facebook.com/meanwhileNI/photos/a.1421898701385223.1073741829.1420927221482371/1964648337110254/?type=3&theater

Your move, Lord Douchealot.

[phonics]

You seem to be fundamentally missing the point. It's not 'Bread, Crisps, Bread' It's everything else that goes in a sandwich, with crisps as well. Like fuck am I spreading my own butter as well. What are we? Animals?

[Adamski]

You definitely ate that dog food.

[Giggles]

https://www.facebook.com/meanwhileNI/photos/a.1421898701385223.1073741829.1420927221482371/1964648337110254/?type=3&theater

Your move, Lord Douchealot.

I'd one of those yesterday for my lunch.

[phonics]

Scum

[Giggles]

When in Rome...

[Boydy]

It's my da's 60th at the end of the month and my cousin has been on at me to organise something. Well, I say on at me, she basically took it upon herself to start organising it. Then when it turned out some people couldn't make it (another cousin has something else on and another cousin had agreed to babysit for her), she basically started throwing a hissy fit when I said we should just change what day it's on because it's more important that people can actually go than it is that it's on the day of his actual birthday (it falls on a Saturday). Now I'm left to rearrange it and try to suit everyone and she keeps texting me asking me if I've done it yet (she also texts in all caps which is driving me fucking mad). I want to just tell them all to fuck off and just take my ma and da out for dinner on my own tbh.

Oh, also, it's supposed to be kept as a surprise. But the only time that is going to suit everyone is the week after his birthday so how the fuck is that going to work. Also, surprise parties are fucking lame.

[Boydy]

One of them is ringing me now after I texted them.

JUST FUCKING TEXT ME, JESUS CHRIST.

[John]

JUST FUCKING TEXT ME, JESUS CHRIST.

Hypocrite.

Do you think your dad would like a party? If not just fuck the whole thing off and take him out yourself, as you said.

Didn't you have some self involved cousin before who refused to read a book or something? Sounds like your extended family are all some shade of arsehole.

[-james-]

Don't you want to do something nice for your old man?

[Boydy]

Hypocrite.

Do you think your dad would like a party? If not just fuck the whole thing off and take him out yourself, as you said.

Didn't you have some self involved cousin before who refused to read a book or something? Sounds like your extended family are all some shade of arsehole.
Hypocrite? What?

I dunno, it'd be nice to have everyone together but not sure if he'd really like being the centre of attention. In my immediate family, we've never really been that big on celebrating birthdays.

That one you're thinking of is the son of this one who has taken it upon herself to start organising stuff.


Don't you want to do something nice for your old man?

Yeah, I do. I just don't want these annoying and awkward fucks hassling me about it every day.

[igor_balis]

Why do you hate your dad, Boydy?

[Lewis]

*da

[John]

Hypocrite? What?

(she also texts in all caps which is driving me fucking mad)

[Boydy]

Yeah but I was using caps properly, for emphasis.

[Boydy]

Cousin who was calling me earlier has now called 3 times and whatsapped me to ask me to call her. Just reply via whatsapp ffs.

Cousin 1 who started organising it has now presumably said to her ma (my aunt, dad's sister) about it and she has also texted me.

[Spikey M]

Just answer the phone you spastic.

[Lewis]

*spa

[Boydy]

Just answer the phone you spastic.

Fuck off.

[Giggles]

I haven't read all that but just answer the fucking phone.

[mugbull]

Give me the number and I'll call them

[Boydy]

Talking on the phone is shit.

[Giggles]

Talking on the phone is shit.
Always, but sometimes it needs to be.

Edit - done.

I'm fucked. The phone screen hurts my head.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Talking on the phone is shit.

:nodd:

I hate when companies don't offer out an email or live chat.

I'd answer my phone from a cousin though.

[mugbull]

Talking on the phone is shit.

Ur right, thats why you for Snapchat. App of our generation

[mugbull]

:nodd:

I hate when companies don't offer out an email or live chat.

I'd answer my phone from a cousin though.

I've read somewhere that learning to handle phone calls is the first step for some people out of anxiety disorder. Hit up tho' pizza joints quick in that case

[Boydy]

It's not that I can't answer the phone, it's just I'd rather not. I'm the opposite of Mahow there. Calling a company for something is fine. I just couldn't really be arsed today. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking and I don't like it when people try to make me.

Anyway, she rang again later and I did talk to her. I think it's mostly sorted now. Probably can't be a surprise party though as it's a week after my dad's birthday so it'll look a bit odd if we're doing anything on he actual day. I don't think he'll care about that though, he's not 12. He'll be happier that everyone is able to make it, including that cousin who rang's little two year old.

[Lewis]

Who was it who once said they don't like phone calls because they never know when it's their chance to speak? I want to say James.

[Boydy]

I kinda get that.

[Lewis]

Nerd.

[Giggles]

What's happening?


Djdjkfjnnfnfnfj /magic

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

I've read somewhere that learning to handle phone calls is the first step for some people out of anxiety disorder. Hit up tho' pizza joints quick in that case

I used to have a major problem with them and would try to never make a phone call (I didn't mind receiving them) but I'm better now. I'll try to avoid them if I can but it isn't too big of a problem (dry mouth) if I have to make a phone call.

[Shindig]

Get yourself a job where phone calls can't be avoided. That sorted me out. You're just talking to a person.

[leedsrevolution]

:nodd:

I hate when companies don't offer out an email or live chat.

I'd answer my phone from a cousin though.

Of course you would, you probably want to fuck them.

[Pepe]

We went to get some ice cream. The over-enthusiastic cow behind the counter asked us for our ID because one of the flavors we like has booze in it. What a fucking idiotic country.

[randomlegend]

Just had a text from LV saying my car insurance has auto-renewed :moop:

Didn't realise it was set up to, actually thought I'd always made sure it wasn't. Suspect I'm going to have been drastically overcharged (the text doesn't say how much it is and I can't find the renewal letter). Not even sure whose account they are going to take the money out of, probably one of my parents...

I know it's my own stupid fault for not looking at the letter properly but I just planned to renew it myself, never even crossed my mind it would autorenew.

Fuck's sake.

[Boydy]

That's mad they're allowed to do that.

[Lewis]

I found out I that was twenty-seven months into a twelve month phone contract the other week when I queried a bill. I had originally signed a rolling monthly one, but they had apparently taken the liberty of putting me onto a twelve month contract when I bought some more data that they claimed also allowed them to keep it going indefinitely until I decided to come off it.

'Well you will have signed the contra...'
'I agreed it over the phone.'
'Oh, erm...'

Twats.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Our neighbour has a company transit van and it has been going off for the last 15 minutes or so.

It only stops for about 10 seconds between each blast too so it's fairly constant.

Fuck knows how he hasn't heard it yet.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Alarm has stopped but his hazards are still going.

I'm going to lol heartily if it drains his battery.

Edit: They're off now so no battery drainage :(

[randomlegend]

They cancelled it no fuss, so all good.

[Magic]

I went to do my tyre pressures on the car and my chutney ferretting neighbour is fucking around outside again, so I've left the kit beside the car and am curtain twitching until he closes his garage door and fucks off inside. He really is a boring cunt, and I'm also wearing a jumper with no t-shirt because my housy is in the washing.

[Magic]

I forgot to say some cunt dog shat in my garden (right in the middle of the grass), so I had to scoop it up and stick it in the outside bin. Had to cut the grass as well so left a square patch where the shite was until it disintegrates or whatever shite does after a period of time. Filthy fucking cunts, I've got my claw hammer ready if I even get a whiff of a dog within 10 yards of my garden.

[bruhnaldo]

So you picked up the shit but also didn't pick up the shit?

[John]

Presumably it was a somewhat wet shit and there's still some of it stuck to the grass.

[Magic]

That's correct. A nice hard outer coating lead me in to a false sense of ease.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My greed.

I've eaten so much that I think I might throw up.

[phonics]

Left the house at 8:45 today with a fully 100% charged phone. Current time, 12:06 with 16%.

Fuck the iPhone 6.

[Magic]

And I bet you spent those 4 hours crawling through Twitter for CREATIVE CONTENT.

[Disco]

Serves you right really, iphones are shit.

[phonics]

And I bet you spent those 4 hours crawling through Twitter for CREATIVE CONTENT.

You've completely lost your touch over the last few months. Anything going on?

[Boydy]

I thought my almost three year old Galaxy S5 was bad because I have to charge it again when I get home from work.

[phonics]

I thought my almost three year old Galaxy S5 was bad because I have to charge it again when I get home from work.

The 6 is 3 years old tbf.

[Magic]

You've completely lost your touch over the last few months. Anything going on?

Aw it's sweet you thought I actually had a touch. :happycry:

[Boydy]

The 6 is 3 years old tbf.

Yeah but have you actually had the phone for three years? I think the S5 is actually older. But I mean I've had this phone for almost three years.

[phonics]

Yeah but have you actually had the phone for three years? I think the S5 is actually older. But I mean I've had this phone for almost three years.

Yeah I got it the week of release like a teenage girl outside the Apple Store except I got them to post it to me.

[phonics]

How do I get a lizard out of my house?

It's too fast to catch (even if I could I'd probably crush the poor buggar) and it won't run onto something I can pick up.

[Reg]

A trail of blueberries leading to the door.

[niko_cee]

Aren't all Swiss folk meant to be armed with rifles? Just set up a sniper's nest and shoot it when it appears.

[SvN]

Rifles? Dream on. They're stuck with their little knives.

[Lewis]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9yruQM1ggc

[bruhnaldo]

i hate when i enter one thread with new posts then go back to the main page and then all of a sudden all of the "NEW POSTS" threads become unbolded and i have to look at the timestamps and just imagine if I've entered the thread since the last post or not.

[Disco]

Sack phonics.

[phonics]

https://i.imgur.com/6M6Ntv6.png

1) We don't organise that conference.
2) You mention you're a journalist, I was of the belief a key skill of journalism is independent research yet you can't google a website
3) What the fuck is that spelling?

[bruhnaldo]

Sounds like bullshit

[Spikey M]

We booked a holiday with flights from Southend at extra cost to avoid stress. Cue a 2 hour flight delay, a delay in getting the steps to the fucking plane and spending ages on a coach waiting for some wheelchair bound cunt to turn up. We were meant to be here for 2pm and nearly missed dinner.

On the plus side they have actual pints. It’s an all inclusive and they are serving genuine, not watered down, pints of beer. More over - they have a self service beer tap at the pool bar. It was closed by the time we got there but I can’t fucking wait to get involved.

[Magic]

Lol amateur DJs have started playing that Journey song in its live version. Hahaha. Cubes.

[Giggles]

You in da club?

[Magic]

No at a 40th. Some absolute tings tho. And Gary Caldwell lol.

[John]

I've just seen an advert for a channel dedicated to showing nothing but Christmas films. It's launching in a fortnight. Christmas films in fucking October, I might microwave my Sky box.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's only Christmas when you've heard your first Fairytale.

[Spikey M]

Germans. Malaga airport is full of them and they are cunts to a man.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I could write a book on why Germans are shit. Just the 2-3 weeks I've spent immersed there on trips/exchanges in the past provided more than enough material, although Jürgen Klopp arriving on these shores has handily reinforced the genre.

Example: of all the words they could use for mobile phone, why did they go for 'Handy'?

[Magic]

Did anyone see Starkey's hour on Martin Luther? Sneaky Saxon cunts.

EDIT: I actually really like him, despite being a total political mysoginist racist dinosaur.

[Lewis]

I liked him talking over the talking heads he had assembled.

[Adamski]

Did anyone see Starkey's hour on Martin Luther? Sneaky Saxon cunts.

EDIT: I actually really like him, despite being a total political mysoginist racist dinosaur.

You’re so hard on yourself.

[phonics]

My dealers phone is off. Which >3pm means he's probably been picked up and deported. Balls. I hate having to find new people.

[Adamski]

You’re one cool little wigga bro.

[Jimmy Floyd]

My dealer's phone is off too, but that's probably because the Nasdaq doesn't open until later.

[John]

My dealers phone is off. Which >3pm means he's probably been picked up and deported. Balls. I hate having to find new people.

Why do you only have one?

[phonics]

I have one and then a few friends who get from others. I prefer reliability to quality so if you're going to have average stuff but can meet me within an hour of me texting you and actually turn up on time. You're my man.

[Magic]

You’re one cool little wigga bro.

Bad day at the office bro?

[Pepe]

The stupid printer being incapable of doing simple shit.

[Adamski]

Bad day at the office bro?

On a fabulous family holiday, bro.

[phonics]

You’re one cool little wigga bro.

Are you implying I smoke weed because I want to be black?

[Adamski]

Are you implying I smoke weed because I want to be black?

No, your dress sense implies that well enough.

[niko_cee]

Can it really be that fabulous if you are still browsing/posting on here?

[Magic]

On a fabulous family holiday, bro.

Say no more. Thoughts are with you.

[Disco]

Smoking is so yesterday, get yourself a vapouriser.

[Giggles]

Can you vape hash?

[SincereTheRebel]

Vaping is for pussyholes. If your going to smoke. Do it properly and kill yourself quicker.

[Spikey M]

I fuck up my internal organs with copious amounts of fatty foods like a real man.

[Foe]

I fuck up my internal organs with copious amounts of fatty foods like a real man.

These words are gospel. :cool:

A packet of mini kievs for tea :drool:

[Disco]

Can you vape hash?

Not in the normal 'big clouds of smoke oooooh aren't I a wanker' sort of way but you can get ones that will. They essentially bake it rather than burning it which is not only better for your lungs but also far more efficient at releasing THC.

[Giggles]

Those massive cloud vapers are cuntshovels.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Cracked my phone screen today :(

£30 excess with bank insurance but they'll wipe it. Will go and check some local shops to see if they'll do it quick for cheapish.

[Adamski]

Can it really be that fabulous if you are still browsing/posting on here?

A man needs something to browse when having a poo/toddler break.

[Giggles]

Just spotted some scrotes pulling up and checking out my van in through the windows. The first evening in months I have it empty too, I'd say if I hadn't it'd be empty by morning.

[Magic]

Tryna have a wank and my neighbour's grandkid is messing around on their grand piano. Putting me off. Might poison the little cunt.

[Giggles]

Tryna have a wank and my neighbour's grandkid is messing around on their grand piano. Putting me off. Might poison the little cunt.

What specific pose are you looking from them if the piano playing isn't working?

[Shindig]

It's a right shame when they've got ugly grandkids.

[Magic]

I see what you've done there.

[Disco]

Birds, amirite lads.

Seriously though, actual birds. I filled up the feeder outside over weekend and the wankers seem to have just spread most of it across the veranda. Jokes on you dickheads, once winter arrives you can eat it off the fucking floor.

[phonics]

The Slick Rick concert I had my entire weekend planned around has been postponed... till March 2018. Good to plan ahead I guess?

[phonics]

Online news is so, so, so shitty.

How can any self respecting design team look at this and think, 'Nailed it'

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLyOW0kXUAIUB4c.jpg:large

[Jimmy Floyd]

Because having ads/heavy links like that is literally the only way these things stay barely afloat.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

My eyesight seems to have gotten a lot worse and my new prescription is really fucking me up. I've gone from -2.75 in one eye and -3 in the other to -3.5 in both.

Hopefully my eyes 'settle' into them soon.

[Baz]

My eyesight seems to have gotten a lot worse and my new prescription is really fucking me up. I've gone from -2.75 in one eye and -3 in the other to -3.5 in both.

Hopefully my eyes 'settle' into them soon.Get surgery. You’re minted, right? ICL for life! Second best thing I’ve ever done, behind inventing a sport.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Get surgery. You’re minted, right? ICL for life! Second best thing I’ve ever done, behind inventing a sport.

I've always been scared about the 'What if they fuck it up?'.

I'd rather have shit eyes than blind eyes.

I guess you could say the same for any medical procedure though.

[Baz]

I've always been scared about the 'What if they fuck it up?'.

I'd rather have shit eyes than blind eyes.

I guess you could say the same for any medical procedure though.There’s a lot less risk for implanted contact lenses (ICL), primarily because it’s completely reversible.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

£3k per eye plus £165 for each annual visit? £295 for a consultation too? Fucking hell.

[Lewis]

It will be that wool your step-mum pulled over them.

[Magic]

I've always been scared about the 'What if they fuck it up?'.

I'd rather have shit eyes than blind eyes.

I guess you could say the same for any medical procedure though.

I think the eyes are the least of your worries.

[phonics]

How can you say that Magic? Cam girls are already low resolution enough.

[SvN]

I'm sure this forum wasn't always this mean.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

How can you say that Magic? Cam girls are already low resolution enough.

They've moved into 720p at a minimum now :drool:

[Disco]

£7.20? Seems reasonable.

[niko_cee]

I reckon you may have just hit upon a potential Yev enraging hipster-esque menu formatting trick there.

Brioche bun burger served in a breadbin - 1450p

[SvN]

A restaurant near my office does £7½ instead of £7.50.

[phonics]

A restaurant near my office does £7½ instead of £7.50.

You should try pay 3.50.

[Disco]

There'll be somewhere that's gone pre-decimal.

[Giggles]

Burn it to the ground with the hipster owners locked inside.

[phonics]

Your steak on a mousepad in the shape of a bum and flowerpot of chips will cost you one groat and a half a bushel of barley.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

You should try pay 3.50.

The waiter would turn into the Loch Ness Monster.

[SvN]

The food is probably served like this:

https://i.redd.it/7do9vd2dbs8z.jpg

[Magic]

Just came.

[niko_cee]

Pretty basic error not having the fizz in the tea cup and the tea in the flute.

[John]

I'm not sure I'd fancy food served in something that's been carried between the arse and the knee even if it wasn't such disgraceful hipsterism.

[Magic]

I was in a bagel place today and they had no chairs just cushions you could sit cross legged on.

[SvN]

Found out that a lad from my year at school has died from cancer. Not sure what type. I've seen the occasional cryptic message about him being unwell for the last year or so on Facebook, and now today there's been a flood of RIPs. It's weird seeing someone who I knew as a kid die of an illness like that. I've known a few that have died from accidents, but this is the first "natural" death. I suppose it's going to happen more and more as I age.

[Foe]

Found out that a lad from my year at school has died from cancer. Not sure what type. I've seen the occasional cryptic message about him being unwell for the last year or so on Facebook, and now today there's been a flood of RIPs. It's weird seeing someone who I knew as a kid die of an illness like that. I've known a few that have died from accidents, but this is the first "natural" death. I suppose it's going to happen more and more as I age.

It's a hideous feeling. Reckon being old will be really morbid because you'll have folk dying left right and centre.

[phonics]

I haven't had a friend die 'naturally'. I haven't had many people I know die let alone friends, a car crash, and a couple of suicides but nothing else. However the one that really fucked me up was an actual friend who was always a bit of a mess but had got his shit together only to contract some kind of fever while out on a boat in Costa Rica and die a couple of days later due to falling into a diabetic coma and his body giving in. I must have stared at the wall for a good hour straight just wondering what the point was.

[John]

Old people tend to be really relaxed about themselves and eachother dying for exactly that reason.

Someone my gran had known for sixty years died in the summer and when she found out her only response was 'aw shite', after which she didn't hesitate to put the volume back up on Home and Away.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

There was a girl in Primary school (I think I was in year 3 and she was in nursery or reception, possibly even year 1) who died of Leukaemia.

That was pretty fucking mental and scary.

[Disco]

Did you get the shoebox back?

[Lewis]

:lol:

[Magic]

Oyf.

[Shindig]

I went to school with three convicted paedophiles.