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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #4551
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Ours is on Saturday 19th. We have to post secret santa stuff before then which I still haven't bought yet.

    They've asked for baby photos so there'll be some guessing who's who but no idea what else there will be. I really cba.

  2. #4552
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Prosecco is fucking disgusting.

  3. #4553
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Offshore Toon View Post
    Prosecco is fucking disgusting.
    Aperol Spritz, on the other hand, ...

  4. #4554
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    God it's times like this when working for a true zero-bullshit organisation really pays off. The only party being thrown is the one in the owner's office (attendance: 1) when he realises he hasn't had to pay for a Christmas lunch at the nearby pub this year.

  5. #4555
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Nothing doing for me. Same for you, @Don?

  6. #4556
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I've had to take 2 hours out of my day to watch a magician on Zoom for our 'Christmas Party'.

  7. #4557
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manc View Post
    Nothing doing for me. Same for you, @Don?
    Naturally. We self-fund ours usually anyway and I'l miss seeing the lightweight puke in the pub at 6pm and embarrass himself but no biggie as since I moved teams 2 years ago, I also left the poon.

    Xmas 2017 was the one, waking up in a bed with 2 girls, 1 of which accusing me of sexual misconduct in the days after

  8. #4558
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Got an online company awards ceremony tomorrow night but they sent me a free hamper with ales and food in it so can't really complain. Hopefully I can work whilst half paying attention to it because I have a fucking mountain to get through if I want to take weeks leave for Christmas.

  9. #4559
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    We’ve cancelled the party (obviously), the secret Santa thing, and are just supposedly having mandatory pizzas on the last Friday which I’ve already decided I’ll be absent for.

  10. #4560
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    We have a 'party' over Teams next week and it's mandatory to have your webcam on. I might actually call in sick.

  11. #4561
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Wow that’s lame. Doing Christmas jumper day tomorrow so I’ll send an obligatory pic of me in my Christmas jumper to the Teams chat, while watching Bob Mortimer fishing with Paul Whitehouse, and then hopefully that’s it for any work festivities.
    I'm a twit

  12. #4562
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Any boss having the idea of a video Chris party needs to be dumped in a bog.

  13. #4563
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Video Christmas party sounds like hell. Maybe like 20 minutes to say hello and bye but beyond that, ffs.

  14. #4564
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    She asked us all to send her emails of embarrassing things that have happened to us so that she can read them out and we can all guess who it happened to. But she's now had to send a bolshy follow up today because she hasn't received any.

    Read the fucking room woman. Nobody wants any part of it.

  15. #4565
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    This has definitely gone on far too long. Another hour too ffs. Can't even load up on free shots and make a tit of myself to pass the time.

  16. #4566
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    The hospital is offering locum shifts every day for the next month to consent and prescribe vaccines. £35 an hour to fill out forms

    They're desperate for people next week so I'll be getting paid ~£70 an hour to do it on Wednesday

  17. #4567
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Somebody at our place has planned a quiz and some other crap people can do from their desks, but I'm out and about that day so lol at them chumps.

  18. #4568
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by randomlegend View Post
    The hospital is offering locum shifts every day for the next month to consent and prescribe vaccines. £35 an hour to fill out forms

    They're desperate for people next week so I'll be getting paid ~£70 an hour to do it on Wednesday
    Remember when you were striking - not for money, but for patient safety? Shouldn't you all just be willing to do this for your normal rates?

  19. #4569
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    For patient safety

  20. #4570
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    This money is being picked off the magic covid money tree so it doesn't count.

  21. #4571
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Thankfully the clapping stopped months ago.

  22. #4572
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Don't do a scavenger hunt, SvN, and definitely don't do a 20 minute video on "things you're proud of personally and professionally."

    I'm not sure what's worse, your proudest personal moment of the year being a dog or ignoring the task completely by recording a video of you beatboxing to your friend singing Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree with another friend on ukulele (I managed to get a video because it went on for two minutes or so).

    Additional highlights were some ventriloquism and some old bloke doing a shit poem like the special guest does on Countdown. Crap, crap, crap.

  23. #4573
    I used to be funny.
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    Well, that's a new circle of hell.

  24. #4574
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    The appraisals here are absolutely brilliant. You go up to his lair (which has a bronze carving of him outside), and he and Smithers sit at the extreme far end of a very very long board table. Smithers reminds him what your name is, and he puts his second pair of glasses on to look down a list before striking a long black line across your name with a ruler. Then, rather than talking about your performance or anything, he says something like: "People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business? Well, I always say to my employees, it's all down to you. When I started in this business, 55 years ago, I was a young man like you..." and that goes on for ten minutes or so. Then he informs you of that year's 2% payrise, digs a hand into a box of Celebrations, takes two pieces out, puts them on a saucer, pushes the saucer all the way down to your end of the table, and wishes you a good afternoon. I always seem to get Maltesers.
    The day has come (it always comes without warning). My colleague has got the call first, got off the phone and asked me directions to the lair as he couldn't remember. This alone surely gives me the upper hand.

  25. #4575
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    He gave me a nice bonus and a Christmas hamper. A Christmas hamper! And the sweets were upgraded from Celebrations to baklava. This is the greatest face turn in history.

    Still rattled off the 'People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business?' speech, which was nice.

  26. #4576
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Baklava > a bonus of any amount.

  27. #4577
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Does your company always pay you bonuses in cash, Jim?

  28. #4578
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Are you never going to tell us what it takes to succeed in business?

  29. #4579
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    Are you never going to tell us what it takes to succeed in business?
    By telling people how to succeed in business, apparently.

  30. #4580
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    How does everyone pronounce expenditure?
    I'm a twit

  31. #4581
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    Are you never going to tell us what it takes to succeed in business?
    It dribbles on for a while but the final answer is: "It's up to you"

  32. #4582
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    This feels like you're testing the water because you've been told you pronounce it like a weirdo.

    EDIT: Out the way, Jimmy.

  33. #4583
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    How does everyone pronounce expenditure?
    Ex pen ditch ah

  34. #4584
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Nah. Had a meeting with a woman higher up than than me from the finance department and numerous times she said “Ex-pen-cha” and it got me wondering if I’d been doing it wrong.

    She’s a sadsack who hates her life so that’s probably why nobody has bothered correcting her.
    I'm a twit

  35. #4585
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Expencha? I don't think I'd even know what she was trying to say to correct her.

  36. #4586
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Expencha is one of those holiday parks no?

  37. #4587
    Just Luca, but still a DJ Luca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    He gave me a nice bonus and a Christmas hamper. A Christmas hamper! And the sweets were upgraded from Celebrations to baklava. This is the greatest face turn in history.

    Still rattled off the 'People often ask me: what does it take to succeed in this business?' speech, which was nice.
    When do you start the drug mule operation in South America?

  38. #4588
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Wales to go in lockdown again from the 28th. ARGH!

  39. #4589
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luca View Post
    When do you start the drug mule operation in South America?
    I have already kind of started it, from the office, I just won't be able to get out there until Covid allows. They will only start paying me proper money once they can shuffle the 77 year old I'm taking over from off the books.

  40. #4590
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    Getting a rubber testicle tomorrow (no, not in addition) to help teach 30 sweaty, hormonal teenage boys how to self-examine.

    It's just got 'success' written all over it.

  41. #4591
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Don't do what our Sex Education teacher did and invite people to volunteer different slang names for private body parts, because you will go from a quietly mumbled 'fanny' to an excitedly screamed 'MASSIVE GAPING BLOODY AXE WOUND' surprisingly quickly.

  42. #4592
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Salmon garage. Always salmon garage.
    I'm a twit

  43. #4593
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post


    Don't do what our Sex Education teacher did and invite people to volunteer different slang names for private body parts, because you will go from a quietly mumbled 'fanny' to an excitedly screamed 'MASSIVE GAPING BLOODY AXE WOUND' surprisingly quickly.
    Yeah the mistake there was getting people to say them out loud . Writing them down is a fairly common starting point for discussions based around Relationship and Sex Education, fairly sure I did this last year when we did contraception.

  44. #4594
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Easily calm them down by scaring the living shit out of them when you explain failure to check themselves properly can leave you a broken shell of a man with no testicles and no erections.

    I found out that grim fact today when I saw a former colleague on facebook posting from hospital before an operation, having already had one off he is having the other. I googled that. I advise you don't google it.

  45. #4595
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    We had our zoom "Christmas party" today. Alright for the wfh cunts on their 4th glass of wine, but me, the lad who started just before me and our boss had to do it in the office. On our fucking lunch break. Wtf is that?

    We played bingo, where the names of the calls had been changed to things tangentially work related.

    The big big boss smiling and telling everyone to get a glass of wine or whatver their tipple of choice while i sat there eating my sainsburys salad. Bantz.

  46. #4596
    Just Luca, but still a DJ Luca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    I have already kind of started it, from the office, I just won't be able to get out there until Covid allows. They will only start paying me proper money once they can shuffle the 77 year old I'm taking over from off the books.


    But with less hair.

  47. #4597
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mo View Post
    Yeah the mistake there was getting people to say them out loud . Writing them down is a fairly common starting point for discussions based around Relationship and Sex Education, fairly sure I did this last year when we did contraception.
    It would have been about 1998, so things have probably moved on (and been hugely defunded).

  48. #4598
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Sky News tomorrow morning on the breakfast show, it was meant to be with Kay Burley but you know.....she's kind of off at the moment.

    We're collaborating with WeMakeEvents to raise funds for those who need it and Crisis the charity if anyone wants to donate as I'm well behind on my target (we're raised £13,500 so far). It's quite an action packed night so far and I'll be sleeping outside from 7pm to 7am. We've got comedians, choirs, music, stories, plenty going on throughout the night. I can say more if anyone even cares, not even sure where else to stick it on here so apologies if no one is assed.

    https://silentnights.raisely.com/donate


    Last edited by Smjffy; 26-12-2020 at 09:23 AM.

  49. #4599
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    My manager has booked my one to one for 9:30am Christmas fucking Eve. It's a half day and the last day I'm in until 4th of January. What are you doing woman?

    (I was going to save up some easy jobs and sit and do fuck all anyway)

  50. #4600
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    I had my one to one yesterday but it's only been about a fortnight since my annual review so there was about 3 minutes of confirming neither of us had anything to talk about work-wise and then half an hour of talking about video games.

    We're also getting £20 to spend on a takeaway lunch from work today. Think I'm gonna get a Dominos to confirm that my local place is still better while I'm not paying for it.

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