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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #4801
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    I don't blame you for taking the cowardly, self-preserving option, but at least take the L.

    I do like how you've replied to baz in exactly the same way mark would to Jeremy when he fails to justify his own cowardly decisions. I'm even reading it in his voice.

  2. #4802
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Listen, Igor, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

  3. #4803
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    In my head you've said that sat at the end of a long table and it's Igor's annual review.

  4. #4804
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    It's the time of year where I prepare for routine humiliation by applying for promotions at other schools, get selected to interview, then fail to get past the first stage. At least this time it'll most likely be remote and I can cry into my pillow straight away rather than having to wait while I drive home.

  5. #4805
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    It took me until the back end of that to realise to that Jimmy was doing the Peep Show quote.

  6. #4806
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    In my head you've said that sat at the end of a long table and it's Igor's annual review.
    honestly I think I'd take it at this point.

  7. #4807
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    In boring IGOR work news, at my previous place, right before I left the BIG boss (about 5 grades above me) told me:

    "listen Igor, as you're leaving before the end of the year you aren't technically entitled to the yearly bonus, but you've been so brilliant since you came to my branch that I will MAKE SURE you get that bonus, leave it with me". This was in front of about 4 other managers as well.

    I'm sure it will shock nobody to find out that I hadn't heard anything or received any kind of financial remuneration since that conversation.

    I texted her today and basically got "lol talk to hr, who gave you my number".

    I have already resigned myself to the fact the most useful thing I can do now is to reread Jimmy's most recent post in this thread, but it's annoying. Thing is, I'd have been fine with not getting my bonus, it's what I would have assumed would be the case. It's, obviously, the fact she got my hopes up for no reason. If I was even more feckless than I already am, I might have already spent that non-existent bonus. I'm sure HR will just lol at me and point the bit in the contract saying what I already know, and send my old manager an email saying "lol don't do that".

  8. #4808
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    I wouldn't even bother getting in touch with HR.

    I mean I suppose the worst case scenario is they also lol you off and you have the same amount of bonus as you do now but unless she's given you something more solid to go on than "She told me she'd sort it out" then you're basically just asking them for some money.

  9. #4809
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    It's wank, but you've got to build in a zero expectation around that kind of thing, no matter what people say and no matter how many managers are there when they say it.

  10. #4810
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    If it’s not in writing you’re goosed.

    Even if it is in writing, you’re still goosed if it’s not as per your contract.

    Annoying.

  11. #4811
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Yeah it is irritating that she said it but as said, a kind word is not worth the paper it's printed on.

  12. #4812
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    There's zero chance you're getting a bonus if you leave before it's due.

  13. #4813
    I used to be funny.
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    The best you can hope for is some kind of internal fiddle like, "Well, here's your bonus in B&Q vouchers from the rewards scheme or whatever.

  14. #4814
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused.

  15. #4815
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    I had a close call with that yesterday. Was on a Zoom call chatting to the project team while waiting for the client to turn up. I said "It's 5 past and Brenda isn't here yet... You know, the thing..." and she piped up with "I'm here!". For some reason she was clipped off the screen. Thank God she interrupted me as I was about to slag her off for always being late.

  16. #4816
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Oh god, just reading that sentence makes me cringe to death.

  17. #4817
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    A thing I read a while ago, which I'm paraphrasing: the rules of Zoom are the same as with guns: it's always loaded

  18. #4818
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I am more excited about a post-Zoom world than a post-Covid one.

  19. #4819
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused.

  20. #4820
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Booked Thursday and Friday off. No reason. Just can't face it anymore.

  21. #4821
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I desperately want to do that but I'm holding out hope that my 17 days might go further in Q2, or 3, or 4.

  22. #4822
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    I've decided to have tomorrow off. Likewise, no plans at all, I just can't do another day at the moment.

  23. #4823
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    We get 30 a year and I have 10 from last year so it’s this or I wake up sometime in lockdown 5.0 with 24 days left in December.

  24. #4824
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    I'm preparing to book my entire year's allocation (short of that which I can carry forward + maybe a couple days for flexibility) for the latest possible dates. Quickly losing hope that it may involve some foreign sun, sea and whorehouses.

  25. #4825
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    We have a mandatory 14 day in one go holiday which I’m saving for life being normal again.

  26. #4826
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Just bore witness to a blazing row between the MD and the Logistics manager for basically no reason at all. I think everyone might be starting to crack.

  27. #4827
    Just Luca, but still a DJ Luca's Avatar
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    Details, Floyd. Details.

  28. #4828
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    I've got four days carried over from last year that I need to use by Easter but sitting around doing nothing doesn't really appeal at the minute.

  29. #4829
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    My place is about a hair from a massive blow up. It’s been coming a long time and isn’t really covid related but I’m sure it’s not helping. I’m right in the middle of it too so I can’t wait.

  30. #4830
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luca View Post
    Details, Floyd. Details.
    Just your standard office row. 'You think *my team* just sit around doing nothing, don't you'? 'It's about customer outcomes, Sandra' 'And every time you come in here castigating us it means we can't get any more done!' etc etc ad infinitum, for no real reason at all.

    We've been in full lockdown in the UK for 93 of the last 115 days, or something. I think moods are heating up.

  31. #4831
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    I’ve been roped in to doing something that is not only not my job, but also something I give zero fucks about (children’s mental health) and it’s really taking all of my time. Thankfully by next Friday it will all be over and done with and I can get back to my actual job. In-between meetings about that, I’ve had my line manager on Teams crying cos something she spent ages writing was almost literally tore apart and is now not only dogshit but also factually incorrect (eg female contraception preventing STIs - proper basic knowledge fuckery) so she’s saying she doesn’t want her name going on it.

    I wish everyone would just fuck off and let me slowly process invoices and give me the peace I need to make spreadsheets and do work that I want to do.
    I'm a twit

  32. #4832
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Why do you give zero fucks about children's mental health?

  33. #4833
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Why would he when he doesn’t have any? Especially when most of it is just made up anyway.

  34. #4834
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    He does have a kid. And all of their hobbies.

  35. #4835
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    Yeah on paper but they're not really. Being a doctor of mental stuff is like saying a bricklayer is a doctor of cement.
    Still correct Giggles lad.

  36. #4836
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    I thought Mike was the one the kid.

  37. #4837
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    Still correct Giggles lad.

  38. #4838
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I'd forgotten about that.

  39. #4839
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    I thought Mike was the one the kid.
    I'll have a word with my wife, if that's the case.

    And it's not that I go around hoping children are suffering mentally, it's just that I don't want to be doing Teams interviews with special needs children about them helping to choose the new provider of the local school nurse/health visiting service. That's not my job, and I don't want it to be. I'm a data nerd, not a warm and caring friendly face.
    I'm a twit

  40. #4840
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Baz what is your job?

  41. #4841
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    Baz what is your job?
    Budget Master and Spreadsheet Bad Boy for Public Health.
    I'm a twit

  42. #4842
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Just sent an email about one of our "customers" to the customer rather than to my manager. It was all factual, but not phrased particularly warmly. She is unamused.
    She's still going. 3 emails over night. One of which asking if I think that's an appropriate way to get my point across.

    No, dickhead, I don't. Which is why I apologised for sending it to you in error and explained that the email was brief and factual as that is how my manager likes things presented to her. I would have wrapped it up in puppydog paper, with a pretty bow on top when it came to feeding the same information back to you, now fuck off.

  43. #4843
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Spikey resigning as a wage cuck in the most chaotic way possible.

  44. #4844
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Nah, it really wasn't that bad. It was just very to the point and without the platitudes you normally have to stitch in.

  45. #4845
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Just your standard office row. 'You think *my team* just sit around doing nothing, don't you'? 'It's about customer outcomes, Sandra' 'And every time you come in here castigating us it means we can't get any more done!' etc etc ad infinitum, for no real reason at all.

    We've been in full lockdown in the UK for 93 of the last 115 days, or something. I think moods are heating up.
    They definitely are. I'm dealing with auditors at the moment as happens at this time of year and while that bit is absolutely normal, the assessment of the market and future trading offers a wonderful opportunity to crow bar in how no one will be going abroad this year. They know they won't full well already, but emotions are so heightened at the moment I can see the remaining life ebb out of people every time I mention it.

    It's like a long haul flight when the first 10 hours were ok, but the last couple are interminable. Made all the worse by the fact we don't know whether it'll be two hours to go, four hours, six hours, or any other amount of hours.

  46. #4846
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    How many more online spankings is she going to give you?

  47. #4847
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Somebody couldn't be bothered to do their work yesterday and so now I can't go on holiday.

  48. #4848
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Fortune 500.

  49. #4849
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Lol, nothing actually gets done at those kind of places. You could not show up for months and still hit your stock price (because the entire stock market is a fix) I’m long gone from there.

  50. #4850
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I'm filling a job application in for a job I don't really want but think I could use to shakedown my current one for more money, and this new 'name blind recruitment' seems pretty stupid. Explain how you have the skills and experience for this job. Following that, in place of a CV, explain how you have the experience and skills for this job. Then, without giving your name and age and cock size away, give us a personal statement telling us about your experi-skills. After that, fill in the behaviours section with examples of your skills and experiences. I did have to do one of these last year, but that was a fix for the job I already had, so I never had to do it properly. What the fuck is this meant to achieve?

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