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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #6401
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Are you sure that they were not trying to sell their daughters?

  2. #6402
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I didn't see any goats present, but I can't rule it out.

  3. #6403
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    No goats present? What did you think was in the chicken kebab?

  4. #6404
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepe View Post
    Are you sure that they were not trying to sell their daughters?
    Let's see if that gets John out from his retirement.

  5. #6405
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    The basic rules with Arabs seems to be that whatever the given situation, you maximise the drama, conflict and general spectacle. Sort of like the opposite of being British.
    One of my colleagues helped re-build the Iraqi police post-invasion, and apparently the three rules of dealing with Arabs are 1) they all lie to the point where they wouldn't even recognise it as a lie; 2) every single one of them can be bribed (this overrules the first rule); and 3) at no point can they ever, ever be seen to lose face (this overrules the first two rules). If they lose face they are finished as community figures.

    The Americans would go straight to bribes, get results, but then treat them like dickheads and undo what the bribery achieved. The crafty British would let them dictate terms and mouth off, but then go 'Yeah mate yeah you are right, but...' and contradict it all. That way they could go away and tell everyone that they had negotiated and play the big man, which seemed to get better results as they had to make an effort to preserve 'their' settlement.

  6. #6406
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepe View Post
    Are you sure that they were not trying to sell their daughters?
    They’re usually buying aren’t they?

  7. #6407
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    One of my colleagues helped re-build the Iraqi police post-invasion, and apparently the three rules of dealing with Arabs are 1) they all lie to the point where they wouldn't even recognise it as a lie; 2) every single one of them can be bribed (this overrules the first rule); and 3) at no point can they ever, ever be seen to lose face (this overrules the first two rules). If they lose face they are finished as community figures.

    The Americans would go straight to bribes, get results, but then treat them like dickheads and undo what the bribery achieved. The crafty British would let them dictate terms and mouth off, but then go 'Yeah mate yeah you are right, but...' and contradict it all. That way they could go away and tell everyone that they had negotiated and play the big man, which seemed to get better results as they had to make an effort to preserve 'their' settlement.
    This is like taking advice on how to manage a football team from Frank De Boer.

  8. #6408
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    My Turkish boss in London was an utter lunatic, although at the same time incredibly loyal and fiercely generous to those close to him. He had an amazing month-long war with a bailiff over an unpaid parking ticket, which he managed to win through aggression and a world class level of misunderstanding absolutely everything put in front of him. The company was a disgrace but he also did a BBQ nearly every day for lunch and he was an incredible cook so overall it was worth the short stint there.

  9. #6409
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    This is like taking advice on how to manage a football team from Frank De Boer.
    Four Dutch titles =/= successfully occupying Egypt for seventy years

  10. #6410
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    The "Arabs alway lie" thing could just be because he's an ex-copper. I imagine ours would say the same.

    About everyone, not just Arabs.

    But probably especially about Arabs.

  11. #6411
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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  12. #6412
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    How exactly are we defining “Arabs”?
    I'm a twit

  13. #6413
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    How exactly are we defining “Arabs”?
    I can't say but I've said before.

  14. #6414
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Arabs are a thing. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arabs

    I call my man 'the Arab' because he has Iraqi, Jordanian and Kuwait all in him.

  15. #6415
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    A year into a relatively cushy office job, I can't help but miss the diverse people I interacted with day to day in low-level customer service. I have very few professional skills, but being able to, ugh, "build rapport" and just chat bollocks with everyone across cultural and class boundaries is without doubt my best one, so I do feel like I'm a bit wasted being barely competent in repetitive admin. Are there any jobs where I can utilise this which aren't dead end, low paid shit? Sales is the obvious one, but I'm unconvinced I'm able to convert making friends with people into actually getting them to buy shit.

    I suppose if worst comes to the worst, it's still a decent soft skill to have (and one which has definitely helped at times in my professional career, mostly in terms of being given a bit more leeway when I've been shite at my actual job), but there must be something, right?

    I feel like something like business retention would be a good fit, but I also feel like handling existing contracts is something you get promoted to once you've shown your ability at getting new ones. Fuck knows.

  16. #6416
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    HR.

    Just don’t fuck too many of your colleagues.

  17. #6417
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foe View Post
    HR.

    Just don’t fuck too many of your colleagues.
    Lolz, before I'd actually worked somewhere with a visible HR department that wasn't a distant, anonymous head office thing, it felt like a really obvious option. Since I've actually regularly interacted with HR people, er...well, they're not very similar to me. And I promise that those interactions have been casual payslip admin/canteen chats, rather than being bollocked for indiscretions.

  18. #6418
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    Other one that springs to mind is communications, basically PR.

    I’m just listing the talentless departments within my gaff where being a top lad would be beneficial.

  19. #6419
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Ha, it's appreciated. I know it's probably incongruous for most to see me bigging up my social skills when I come across like a bullshitting irritant on here, but I'm better at small talk with Maureen paying in her cheque than I am at cultivating a forum personality. For one, I wouldn't say absolute wank like "cultivating a forum personality" to Maureen.

  20. #6420
    Senior Member Adramelch's Avatar
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    Any type of consulting would also use said skill a lot, but it's not enough on its own to get you through the door.

  21. #6421
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Enigma.

    Why did you give up on Banking?

  22. #6422
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manc View Post
    Enigma.

    Why did you give up on Banking?
    Because of being a do-gooder liberal snowflake, I always felt like a massive hypocrite and found working for a big evil corporation quite depressing. It was alright being bottom-wrung customer service, cus you didn't really need to be proactive and sell people shit. Someone has to do the basic servicing like helping old people do mobile banking, show people how to use the self-service machines to make deposits etc. Absolutely shit money though, and any progression pretty much has to go through the advisor role which I have neither the skills or mentality to do. You're entirely judged on how many crap life insurance policies you sell etc.

    I wouldn't have minded doing something like working in the complaints department etc, but I would have probably been fired or thrown myself out of a high building if i'd had to do the advisor job for more than a year or so, and it's difficult to get out of the branch based stuff direct from cashier div.

  23. #6423
    I used to be funny.
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    I would've went through the back office route. That didn't seem too bad and you only spoke to customers when things needed fixing.

  24. #6424
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    Account manager.

    https://www.investopedia.com/terms/a...nt-manager.asp

    You do it for, say, Jobber or whatever and your job is just hanging out with people and making sure they're getting what they need from the business.
    Last edited by Panda Bear; 05-12-2021 at 07:48 PM.

  25. #6425
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Get Jimmy's job when he moves up.
    I'm a twit

  26. #6426
    Senior Member Bernanke's Avatar
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    Yeah any sort of account management or (non shit) "customer success" role seems like it'd do the part.

  27. #6427
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I'm not sure that being able to 'build rapport' is a useful and/or in demand a skill in itself unless you are willing to use it swindling pensioners. Your best bet might be waffling your way through the civil service interview process and getting your foot in the door there.

  28. #6428
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    It's mostly a mirage that salesmen like to kid themselves is getting the job done, when actually it's the product/prices. That said, better to have it than not.

  29. #6429
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    You hear that, greebo? You don't even really have it. Give up and write a sitcom.

  30. #6430
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Microsoft Viva (wut?) just gave me my “monthly digest” and all it was was

    You did not respond to 55% of your meeting requests last month.
    I'm a twit

  31. #6431
    I used to be funny.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    I'm not sure that being able to 'build rapport' is a useful and/or in demand a skill in itself unless you are willing to use it swindling pensioners. Your best bet might be waffling your way through the civil service interview process and getting your foot in the door there.
    It does have its values in our place. Half our claimants have heads that have genuinely gone. You don't want a suicide call on your hands.

  32. #6432
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    Microsoft Viva (wut?) just gave me my “monthly digest” and all it was was



    That fucking email is impossible to block from your inbox. I’m getting a daily one for months from it too.

  33. #6433
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    It is a pain in the arse. Useless too, it just picks up on keywords and reminds me to attend things that don't need attending and to "collaborate" with people that don't need or want a reply. Pointless bit of kit.

  34. #6434
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shindig View Post
    It does have its values in our place. Half our claimants have heads that have genuinely gone. You don't want a suicide call on your hands.
    'haha yeah, yeah... yeah... haha... anyway, you're going to have to starve for a few weeks while we...'

  35. #6435
    I used to be funny.
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    It's more, "Hey, we have an appointment that's become available. Would you like to take it?" And then the lass starts strangling herself with the phone cord. We don't cut money off. The DWP do that.

  36. #6436
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I got sanctioned by the rock 'n' roll once, and after ing a few layers of management with my points I got told to take Iain Duncan Smith to court if I was that bothered, so I figured the approach was just to bamboozle/demoralise people into dropping it or killing themselves.

  37. #6437
    I used to be funny.
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    I dunno what gave you that impression.



    Whenever government tries to simplify or restructure state benefits, I always think it's about cutting costs rather than the claimant journey. It's clearly not put people off claiming but you definitely see people withdraw over the hassle.

  38. #6438
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I went down the job centre today thinking that they may know something about the local job market. Nah.

    Them: "Are you here to sign-on?"
    Me: "No, I'm here to look for some local jobs, maybe a bit of temp work while I look for something permanent"
    Them: "We don't even have a job board anymore, if you sign-on we'll give you access to a 'work coach' and training courses"
    Me:"So no local stuff?"
    Them:"Have you heard of indeed.co.uk?"
    Me: "Cool, cya later"

    That's not a system to get people employed.

  39. #6439
    I used to be funny.
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    They got rid of the job boards? I know it just regurgitates https://findajob.dwp.gov.uk/ but still. It's how I passed the time before my appointments.

  40. #6440
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Surely the job centre isn't going to have much in your field anyway, Phonics?

  41. #6441
    Senior Member Gray Fox's Avatar
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    That sounds like a similar experience I heard during the dark times years back.

    An older chap was in. He told them he struggles with anything tech related and so had filled out what he'd done on paper, instead of using their online system. The person(his "coach") behind the desk told him this wasn't good enough as it was part of the agreement he'd use the system. The guy said okay well can you bring it up on screen for me and we can look for some things for me to apply for. He was met with "Sir, I'm not here to help find you a job. I'm only here to validate your claim."

    He went on to be told despite him bringing pages of stuff he'd written down that he'd done, because nothing was on his account, it would be sent for further review before his money would be released to him. There's a reason they need hired security in those places.

  42. #6442
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    Surely the job centre isn't going to have much in your field anyway, Phonics?
    I’m unemployed. I was just having a pootle about and stopped by. Weirdly thought the job centre might have like ‘local community centre needs someone to do 6 hours a week’ or something while I look for a proper job.

    I don’t want your 40 quid a week, Boris, I’m fine. Just trying to fill my day so I don’t think about going to the pub at 4pm.

  43. #6443
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    You're looking for an employment agency. Or the post office noticeboard.

    I once rang the dole when I was out of uni and didn't have a job, once they heard I had a degree they basically told me to fuck off.

  44. #6444
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I'm fine with finding a real job. I wanted a shit job to fill the hours and put some change in my pocket. Instead I could apparently make more just signing on and pretending to look for a shit job while I do the work of finding a real one.

    It's an absurd system.

  45. #6445
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    If you're out of work and learning how to drive a Forklift isn't the answer, then the Job Centre aren't going to have a clue these days. They should probably rebrand.

  46. #6446
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    I'm fine with finding a real job. I wanted a shit job to fill the hours and put some change in my pocket. Instead I could apparently make more just signing on and pretending to look for a shit job while I do the work of finding a real one.

    It's an absurd system.
    Ring the helpline and ask for the posh boy's hobby job department. You should get straight through.

  47. #6447
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    Ring the helpline and ask for the posh boy's hobby job department. You should get straight through.
    Didn't know 10 Downing Street and the rest of the cabinet had a public phone line.

  48. #6448
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    There you go, you aren't even trying. Sanctioned.

  49. #6449
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    Didn't know 10 Downing Street and the rest of the cabinet had a public phone line.
    They are surprisingly approachable.

  50. #6450
    Senior Member Gray Fox's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    I’m unemployed. I was just having a pootle about and stopped by. Weirdly thought the job centre might have like ‘local community centre needs someone to do 6 hours a week’ or something while I look for a proper job.

    I don’t want your 40 quid a week, Boris, I’m fine. Just trying to fill my day so I don’t think about going to the pub at 4pm.
    You're much better off Googling your local community centre or whatnot, then calling them yourself to see if they need any help. Tories don't give a fuck for these people.

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