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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #5101
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Why fucking throw that pun in there in the first place, you cunt? Absolute carnage.

  2. #5102
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    This is some top teir Autism. Go on lad.

  3. #5103
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    I need cake puns (ideally something to spruce up a 'I'll be in touch when I can' sign-off). Shall I go with 'Haha that pun sent me into a spiral of top tier autism'.

    Punpedia has offered Pakistan->Bakeistan and I've had to take the rest of the day off as a result.

  4. #5104
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    'P.S. I am not from Pakistan.'

  5. #5105
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I'll be in sponge - sorry, touch! - when I can.

    At least 60% of women and 20% of men would laugh at that.

  6. #5106
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    And I'd probably never email you again. Win-win.

  7. #5107
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Don View Post
    Shall I go with 'Haha that pun sent me into a spiral of top tier autism'.
    I'm a big fan of this option.

  8. #5108
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I missed that.

    +1

  9. #5109
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Boring story but

    Every so often I get burdened with running a weight loss competition at work. I made a spreadsheet template for people to fill in and then I give them a SECRET IDENTITY and send it back. I also have a spreadsheet with everyone’s details on to track the whole thing and produce weekly league tables and stuff.

    Anyway I accidentally sent someone the tracker spreadsheet instead of the template, so he could see everyone’s weight. Whoops. I tried recalling it instantly but he’d already opened it. Neither of us have mentioned it and he has since sent back the proper template and it’s business as usual.

    Also, someone else in my team is on about giving out my spreadsheets to local businesses so they can run their own competition. Fuck off. Pay me for it. Took me bloody ages, and three iterations of running it before I got it spot on. Plus it’s not like ‘fill this in and it’s done’ cos I’ve gotta do loads. Arseholes. She wrote the most basic guide to use it but doesn’t actually say how to get started, just ‘have everyone send their weight in every week’ as if that’s it. Clueless to how much work it actually is. Proper pissed me off. Plus she sent it to our comms team asking them to remove any of our corporate branding. How about brand it with my face considered nobody else contributes anything towards it, yet seemingly the “healthy weight team” (of which I’m not one of) get credited for the entire six week slog. Just, urggggg.
    I'm a twit

  10. #5110
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Turns out it was actually 2nd Teir autism @Don. I'm sorry for the downgrade but I'm sure you can understand.

  11. #5111
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    In that scenario Baz obviously you claim you are too busy to do that shit anymore and let the simpletons discover how time consuming it is.

  12. #5112
    I used to be funny.
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    Or call them all fat.

  13. #5113
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Taz should ask Baz's fatsos to help with the cake puns. Bet they've heard them all

  14. #5114
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    That joke was the cherry on the icing.

  15. #5115
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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  16. #5116
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    Went for an assessment today, with a follow-up interview on Friday. They may as well cancel the interview now.

    First of all, when I saw the job advertised (internal only!) I read it and thought it sounded a lot like the job one of my mates at work does, and something I’d be really interested in. Plus it was quite a significant pay rise. When my initial application was successful, I asked my mate if he had any advice. He rang me to say he’s also going for the job. Great! Turns out he isn’t on as much money as I presumed, so this new job would also be a step up for him. He also said it was bad timing because someone else has told him another post is about to become available and it’s probably as good as his if he applies for it. Problem is, the role isn’t 100% gonna come up, so he didn’t wanna sit around and wait only for it not to come up and miss out on this job I’m going for in the process.

    Anyway, we went to the assessment today along with some woman who he knew cos he knows everyone. I was out my depth, to be honest.

    Actually, let me tell you more about my mate from work who’s going for this job. He’s about 50 and for most of his life has considered himself an “artist.” He started his own business in the 80s or 90s selling his own artwork, usually painted onto old furniture or bits of wood he salvaged. Since then he’s done a lot of spoken word gigs and has a fairly big following for his poetry. He also makes really weird music with his mates that I recommended to @igor_balis once. He doesn’t sound like it, but he is a really funny guy and going for a drink with him is always entertaining. He’s great. But remember all this about him, okay?

    Right, first part of the assessment was a spreadsheet with numbers on. We had to make a line graph to show these figures, then project the data for the rest of the year and also plot this on the same graph. Boring job stuff. My graph looked mega – not gonna lie – but I didn’t know what I was doing for the projection part. I use excel for accounting purposes mostly, in my current role, whereas my mate does exactly what was being asked on the assessment in his current job. The job is basically his, only somehow for more money. If he doesn’t get the job, it’d be very sus.

    But forgetting how good he is at interpreting datasets and presenting information, because the second part of the assessment is where things got weird: write 400 words about this painting. My mate has since informed me it’s Guernica by Picasso. Of course he knew the name of it. Of course a job assessment about looking at data included a section on writing a critique of a goddamn painting. I mean, why wouldn’t it?

    So not only is my mate perfect for the job, based off the job description, but the seemingly complete curveball of an assessment is even more up his street.

    At the very least, I guess his current post will become vacant and I can apply for that. And probably fail to get it because I forgot how to do rudimentary trend calculations I probably learned when I was 13 and haven’t used since then. Curses.

    Also one question on the first part was something like ‘explain why there may have been a decrease this year?’ and I’m staring at my graph that’s basically


    thinking DECREASED? Ehhhh… so just wrote two lines of made up stuff explaining what may have caused a decrease, despite my projections showing a definite increase. Couldn’t have messed it up more, tbh.

    And then for the painting thing I just described how loads of people are scrambling around in a small room, screaming and stuff cos flames are beating at the door and they’re all gonna die. And then they all died.

    Giz that job then?
    I’ve reapplied for this job. Got an assessment on Thursday. Hopefully it’s different!
    I'm a twit

  17. #5117
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    This week's episode of 'Contemplation of the Mundane/Autistic Adventures' concerns email subject lines.

    Say you are carrying out a review process of a batch load of cases and emailing the result of your review to whoever is working the case.

    I went with an email subject line of: [Case Reference Number]- [Name of Case] - [Review Result]

    I then didn't repeat the case reference and name in ​the body of the email. Upon reflection, this may be an error. How do we feel about this? The purpose of the subject line is clear but what is its intrinsic relationship with the body of the email? Can the body be separated from the subject? If so, when, how and why? If not, they should then be taken as a whole but is it wrong to assume that of the recipient?

    The realisation that I'm accepting being chained to a desk for a sum of money is truly hitting home at this point into the WFH adventures. Fucking open the offices (don't obvs but you know).

  18. #5118
    Pretty Much Amazing Mike's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raoul Duke View Post
    Taz should ask Baz's fatsos to help with the cake puns. Bet they've heard them all
    This made me actually laugh out loud in the staffroom. Thanks for that.

  19. #5119
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    You shouldn't put the key information/result in the title because presumably it's only for the person opening it, so bold it in the main body of text.

  20. #5120
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    You shouldn't put the key information/result in the title because presumably it's only for the person opening it, so bold it in the main body of text.
    This is what I saw done elsewhere that made me think my method was inferior and upon reflection, it's the right answer as why would they need to know the result only through reading the subject.

    Having said that, they simply went with

    [Name of Review Project]

    But I think the superior option would still be to include

    [Case Reference Number]- [Name of Case] - [Name of Review Project]

  21. #5121
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Some of the shitty notepad e-mails you get set me off. That and signatures in stupid fonts.

  22. #5122
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Working with Taz must be exhausting.

  23. #5123
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    There should be a sort of in-house style guide for the civil service that covers e-mail titles and how to format content, like how cunty academic publishers make you do all the work for them. It would instantly put about half the [female] workforce off on stress leave (not to mention smoke out the mongs who write the job postings) but the productivity gains would be through the roof once people mastered it.

  24. #5124
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Standardisation is absolutely critical to productivity and getting rid of risks when you have these cretins about.

    Spikey, come fiddle with my mushroom.

  25. #5125
    I used to be funny.
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    Comic sans shouldn't be anywhere near an email. Our boss used to use that.

  26. #5126
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    How do we feel about land acknowledgments on signatures?

  27. #5127
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I have one requesting acknowledgment from the likes of Taz.

  28. #5128
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Works got me involved in supporting with a gambling addiction programme provider.

    They currently support people with “substance addiction” and I randomly quipped in a meeting about gambling addiction and now they’re adding it to what they offer and want me to help. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Might as well ask Ronald McDonald to look after your cows.
    I'm a twit

  29. #5129
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Send them a link to your OLBG blog.

  30. #5130
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I guarantee Baz is a Fire Warden and all the rest of that bollocks as well.

  31. #5131
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Assessment went okay today, thanks for asking.

    Was close to sacking it off for the first five minutes but I think I figured it out. Interview is Monday.

    Wasn't too fussed about getting it originally but the lad that started at the same time as me (axe throwing stag do)'s line manager recently got seconded to a higher up position, and its likely he'll get her job. So I don't wanna look a fool, floundering mid-table while he's being promoted to Europa League slots just cos he actually has a degree (in graphic design, I hasten to add).

    And as for that snipe, Spikey. I'm a mental health first aider, employee champion, culture champion and, of course, spreadsheet badboy. Gotta get your name and face known throughout every department, even if it is ugh him again comments.
    I'm a twit

  32. #5132
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    The Corporate Champion.

  33. #5133
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    Gotta get your name and face known throughout every department, even if it is ugh him again comments.
    Spoken like a true mug.

  34. #5134
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    "We're looking for a real up and comer for our department, Jeff. Any recommendations?"

    well, Baz, our stationary monitor has been bang on it this year....

  35. #5135
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    It seems to work the opposite to Baz's plan in our office where people doing these voluntary bollocks roles are roundly mocked by the rank and file, frustrated by their ongoing lack of promotion.

    Our spot is trying to fob us off with hot desk working when we go back despite our department favouring a return to the fixed desk status quo. Not looking good, but the decision makers don't seem to grasp that we are the most essential department they have, and work optimally when we aren't carrying hundred page documents back and forth on commutes and trying to resolve issues through email and teams instead of just leaning to the side of your monitor and asking the relevant person sat a few metres away. Hotdesking sounds like hell.

  36. #5136
    I used to be funny.
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    In our case, I don't think the ones chasing for extra stuff are doing it to trade up. It's mainly added insurance if the axe comes.

    What's their logic for hot-desking? I've only ever done it when availability is a problem. We're swimming in desks now. I got mine back when the office weeb buggered off to Japan.

  37. #5137
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    "We can't sack him, he's the milk monitor!"

    They're jobs no cunt wants, so they give them titles and blow smoke up the nearest plebs arse so they'll do it. They're not saving you from the axe and they're certainly not getting you promoted.

  38. #5138
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Pick your targets wisely, Spikey. If it wasn't for these heroes putting themselves forward they'd try and force them onto us and as covered by my earlier posts, I an far too busy and important for that shit.

  39. #5139
    I used to be funny.
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    Yep. If they want you to do something bad enough, they'll make you. That's how I wound up with a busy summer. Or they, y'know, could hire someone for the first time in 5 years.

  40. #5140
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Baz's main role is clearly pretty quiet since he describes his duties as "spreadsheet" so the additional roles are probably welcome to fill up the day.

  41. #5141
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shindig View Post
    In our case, I don't think the ones chasing for extra stuff are doing it to trade up. It's mainly added insurance if the axe comes.

    What's their logic for hot-desking? I've only ever done it when availability is a problem. We're swimming in desks now. I got mine back when the office weeb buggered off to Japan.
    Probably realised they could save a lot on power, heat, printing, tea and coffee etc then run down the lease on the office forcing people to use other locations they actually own.

  42. #5142
    I used to be funny.
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    Sounds about right. Even if they keep the real estate, they can save on carbon emissions or something else creatively accounted for.

  43. #5143
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    Medical staffing at work have MASSIVELY fucked up and not paid a tonne of locum shifts which were worked over the last few months, particularly during the last covid peak. I'm out probably a grand at the moment but I've given up working it out. There's been a few doctors who only work locums who haven't been able to pay their mortgage.

    Someone from medical staffing today suggested those doctors who are struggling because they've not been paid should use food banks for a while to give medical staffing some breathing room to get things sorted

    After the first wave they decided a load of people had been overpaid because all the rotas were changed to deal with covid and they thought some people's pay on the new rota had been calculated incorrectly (turned out they were wrong). The first some people knew of it was when they were contacted by a debt collector that medical staffing had referred them to.

    I have honestly never met such an incompetent group of people and it's the same in every hospital.

    I had a problem with my rota once and when I went to talk to them about it (because they never answer emails), I was told the person who does that rota is on holiday and nobody else in medical staffing has access to it. Not access to edit it, as in only one person in the department can even view each rota.

    It's amazing.
    Last edited by randomlegend; 14-05-2021 at 07:57 PM.

  44. #5144
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    My nearest colleague is off work all the fucking time. He's someone who has a lot of life dramas. Relationship break-ups. Mental health problems. Dead or ill relatives. Child with a former partner who gets ill all the time. Forced home moves because the latest woman has chucked him out. If it's a stressful life drama, it happens to him, and happens constantly. He takes time off to deal with these things (he must have already exceeded his 2021 holiday allocation).

    By contrast, I am boring, have no life dramas at all, take planned time off only for my own leisure purposes, and therefore am always here to pick up the pieces for him and cover his work when he doesn't turn up with no notice. It's happened again this morning: 'xxx won't be in today as his daughter is ill', so here I am covering for him yet again.

    Do I have any right to be aggrieved and mention it to the boss that this is a one-way street? It does my fucking head in. I spent last year covering for his furlough and 'working from home' as well, obvs.

  45. #5145
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    100%. Whether or not your boss will do anything with that information is another thing entirely.

  46. #5146
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    What Manc said pretty much.

    It's a piss take, but management often see their underlings as a pool of labour rather than individuals. So unless productivity slips they won't necessarily be arsed that someone is carrying someone else.

  47. #5147
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    Do you like this colleague?

    If not there’s a bus to throw him under here should you need it. Tell your line manager or alternatively don’t do his work. if anyone asks you’re busy with your own and “catching up” from covering for them previously.

  48. #5148
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    So in the ‘any questions?’ bit at the end of my interview today I asked how I did in the assessment. Lots of ums and ahs following by ‘er we’ll give every candidate individual feedback once the process has run its cause.’ Clearly messed it up beyond belief (again).
    I'm a twit

  49. #5149
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    That could be because they aren't prepared to divulge and discuss that information. You still have hope.

  50. #5150
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Yeah even if you've done well they probably don't want to say anyway in case you go away with the impression that you've smashed it and then they go with somebody else.

    Which sounds like I'm being pessimistic but they'll be doing the same with everybody so fingers crossed.

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