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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #2451
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    You should learn to code.
    I dunno, I'm really careless and illogical but good at interacting with people so I feel like it would be pretty much the opposite of a job that would best suit my skills.

  2. #2452
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    I'd say you'd hear some chancing wasters in that job too.

  3. #2453
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    I'd say you'd hear some chancing wasters in that job too.
    I feel like it would be bleak for both reasons. Similar at our place, ish.
    Last edited by igor_balis; 01-10-2019 at 08:56 PM.

  4. #2454
    I used to be funny.
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    I rarely needed to ring customers during my bank days. The only ones that got under my skin were the ones who thought they knew your job better. In the current work, I don't tend to get many shit phone calls but they always carry the risk. Usually it just manifests in someone wanting to vent.

  5. #2455
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    Quote Originally Posted by bruhnaldo View Post
    I've been covering at various hospitals recently and while at one of them met this tall brunette who I was immediately smitten by.

    At the time it was unclear if I was going to be staying at said facility so I didn't give it a go because of the old rule "never shit where you eat", but once it was obvious I was going back to my old facility I never actually saw her again.

    So I thought about doing a half court shot on facebook to see if I could climb aboard this fuckin amazon goddess but decided against it because I didn't want to become a meme if I missed and ever had to come back.

    LONG STORY SHORT, looks like I'm gonna be coming to that facility full time, so I'm pretty fucking pleased I didn't give it a shot because that could've ended poorly either way.
    So I've come to said facility full time and have been back here about a week. Didn't see her literally one time so I assumed she moved onto a different facility given her title.

    Then today I was walking passed the little closet where they put a computer in to do online modules and there she was

    I would never ask out a co-worker/peer/girl at my job but I'd still like to imagine doing scandalous things like holding her hand and going on a nice walk on the beach

  6. #2456
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Turns out from next month I'll be getting a payrise of about 7 or 8 percent that it sounds like I should have known I was getting but was apparently not paying attention at some point and was completely oblivious.

    Not bad given I'm nearly a year in here and still feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I guess this is just me reaping the rich rewards of finally making it to #TeamEngineer.

  7. #2457
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Sales conference today in one of those country hotels that exist solely for that purpose. For some reason, for the two hour lunch they decided to seat me with 6 Chinese people and an Indonesian. The former kept to themselves, but the latter told me at length just how shit his country is. It sounds like a 'best of' of shit dictatorships lumped into one sprawling mess of an archipelago.

  8. #2458
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian View Post
    Turns out from next month I'll be getting a payrise of about 7 or 8 percent that it sounds like I should have known I was getting but was apparently not paying attention at some point and was completely oblivious.

    Not bad given I'm nearly a year in here and still feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I guess this is just me reaping the rich rewards of finally making it to #TeamEngineer.
    Rewards? I’m in the wrong section.

  9. #2459
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    2.75% to look forward to soon. Better than improvement on 2% last time at least.

    I had to tell a kid to wash his hands at lunch as he'd covered them in about 200g of butter and was trying to get it on other people. Took five minutes of asking the same thing, over and over. Always good to have those moments that really make you appreciate working with young people.

  10. #2460
    Pretty Much Amazing Mike's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mo View Post
    2.75% to look forward to soon. Better than improvement on 2% last time at least.

    I had to tell a kid to wash his hands at lunch as he'd covered them in about 200g of butter and was trying to get it on other people. Took five minutes of asking the same thing, over and over. Always good to have those moments that really make you appreciate working with young people.
    I had to explain to a kid today that having red pen on his hands, that he had put on himself, wasn’t the same as bleeding and that he didn’t, in fact, need to go to the hospital. Little idiots!

  11. #2461
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    Quote Originally Posted by bruhnaldo View Post
    So I've come to said facility full time and have been back here about a week. Didn't see her literally one time so I assumed she moved onto a different facility given her title.

    Then today I was walking passed the little closet where they put a computer in to do online modules and there she was

    I would never ask out a co-worker/peer/girl at my job but I'd still like to imagine doing scandalous things like holding her hand and going on a nice walk on the beach
    Guys so today I went to go make a cup of coffee in the breakroom which is directly adjacent to the little computer closet where she's doing those little classes I mentioned before right...

    so the coffee thing was empty and made a loud like "ahhh i'm out of coffee" noise (cause it's one of those industrial size ones with like a pump) and I, mumbling to myself, was all "oh no oh God why" and all of a sudden she like loudly laughed from said closet.

    Me, not being a creep, decided to keep minding my own business and assume she was laughing at something on her computer, but then she said "Oh that's the worst thing ever", and I turned around fake surprised like someone was noticing my antics and said "oh what being out of coffee??" and she's like oh yea and i was all "Oh deffff top 5 at least aha"

    Then proceeded to make a new pot of coffee and offer her a cup to which she politely declined but

    IDK fam it seemed kinda like way out of the way to me!

    There may be hope just yet. I may have to throw out my old rules for this one, lads.

  12. #2462
    Senior Member John's Avatar
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    There's a distinct whiff of pens and donuts about all this.

  13. #2463
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Just propose now m8.

  14. #2464
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    Quote Originally Posted by John View Post
    There's a distinct whiff of pens and donuts about all this.
    what dis means

    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Just propose now m8.
    I've thought about it

  15. #2465
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    Couple of new girls starting working at the work recently. Both attractive.

    I’m going to get sacked for being inappropriate.

  16. #2466
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    G’wan lads.
    I'm a twit

  17. #2467
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    The promotion long list closes tomorrow and then I should know whether I've not got it by December. Fingers crossed because it should lead to a good payrise.

  18. #2468
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    G’wan lads.
    Going to start stealing a pen a day to sell on eBay when it all goes wrong. Smart.

  19. #2469
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Looks like we’re finally moving offices (after the person who robbed the desk I wanted in the current office said ‘it’s only for 3 weeks’ nearly four months ago.

    To avoid disappointment I made a point of scoping out the new one, drew up a table plan and assigned everyone seats under the guise of ‘people who work together on stuff’ but it’s really I’m sat with people I like and I’m out the way in a corner so nobody can see me on TTH/Reddit. Sent it to the PA of the big director hoping it just gets circulated as ‘this is where everyone is sitting’ but really I’ll probably get told off for wasting time drawing it, it’ll be a free-for-all and I’ll be sit with people I don’t want to sit with and my screen in full view to everyone, just like it is now.
    I'm a twit

  20. #2470
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Hi Baz coworkers.

  21. #2471
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    Looks like we’re finally moving offices (after the person who robbed the desk I wanted in the current office said ‘it’s only for 3 weeks’ nearly four months ago.

    To avoid disappointment I made a point of scoping out the new one, drew up a table plan and assigned everyone seats under the guise of ‘people who work together on stuff’ but it’s really I’m sat with people I like and I’m out the way in a corner so nobody can see me on TTH/Reddit. Sent it to the PA of the big director hoping it just gets circulated as ‘this is where everyone is sitting’ but really I’ll probably get told off for wasting time drawing it, it’ll be a free-for-all and I’ll be sit with people I don’t want to sit with and my screen in full view to everyone, just like it is now.
    He's going to think you're a right jumped up little shit

  22. #2472
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    It’s okay, I’ve a job interview for a different department on 1st November.
    I'm a twit

  23. #2473
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Anyone know how to do text boxes on PDF?



    I make all my stuff in inDesign and can't find this functionality.

  24. #2474
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    You could screen shot it, move it to like Paint 3D, text into it, then save it and reformat it back to pdf

    But that's just some shit I would do because my work computer is very limited and annoying.

  25. #2475
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Yeah that’s a dogshit idea to keep quality. It would be mad pixels. I learnt how to do it in inDesign.

  26. #2476
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Lol so I managed to increase my wage by 50%, not quite the doubling I'd hoped for. Still working on it, though.

  27. #2477
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    Yeah that’s a dogshit idea to keep quality. It would be mad pixels. I learnt how to do it in inDesign.
    You're not wrong but to be fair the example you've provided doesn't look like it needs (whatever equivalent measurement insinuates a good pixel ratio).

  28. #2478
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bruhnaldo View Post
    You're not wrong but to be fair the example you've provided doesn't look like it needs (whatever equivalent measurement insinuates a good pixel ratio).
    Hence why I'm remaking it.

  29. #2479
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    I've been offered voluntary redundancy at work and I'm taking it. All signed off and leave on 20th Dec. Number's way too good to turn down. Not ruling out going abroad. Do we still have a few expats on here? I'd probably be looking at management of processes/people of anything up to 100 people, but am flexible. Any advice on best places to look? Presuming there are websites which cater for this?

  30. #2480
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Works Christmas Do has been "planned" since January (let's go get drunk all day in Liverpool on December 13th) but now the tee-total god-botherer in the team has declared it as Christmas jumper day and is trying to find somewhere to go for "lunch."

    I've politely explained I'll be in Liverpool from 12:30 onwards with the colleagues I like, getting obliterated, and she's welcome to join us.



    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    It’s okay, I’ve a job interview for a different department on 1st November.
    Also this went south, FAST.

    Double
    I'm a twit

  31. #2481
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    What happened?

  32. #2482
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Went for an assessment today, with a follow-up interview on Friday. They may as well cancel the interview now.

    First of all, when I saw the job advertised (internal only!) I read it and thought it sounded a lot like the job one of my mates at work does, and something I’d be really interested in. Plus it was quite a significant pay rise. When my initial application was successful, I asked my mate if he had any advice. He rang me to say he’s also going for the job. Great! Turns out he isn’t on as much money as I presumed, so this new job would also be a step up for him. He also said it was bad timing because someone else has told him another post is about to become available and it’s probably as good as his if he applies for it. Problem is, the role isn’t 100% gonna come up, so he didn’t wanna sit around and wait only for it not to come up and miss out on this job I’m going for in the process.

    Anyway, we went to the assessment today along with some woman who he knew cos he knows everyone. I was out my depth, to be honest.

    Actually, let me tell you more about my mate from work who’s going for this job. He’s about 50 and for most of his life has considered himself an “artist.” He started his own business in the 80s or 90s selling his own artwork, usually painted onto old furniture or bits of wood he salvaged. Since then he’s done a lot of spoken word gigs and has a fairly big following for his poetry. He also makes really weird music with his mates that I recommended to @igor_balis once. He doesn’t sound like it, but he is a really funny guy and going for a drink with him is always entertaining. He’s great. But remember all this about him, okay?

    Right, first part of the assessment was a spreadsheet with numbers on. We had to make a line graph to show these figures, then project the data for the rest of the year and also plot this on the same graph. Boring job stuff. My graph looked mega – not gonna lie – but I didn’t know what I was doing for the projection part. I use excel for accounting purposes mostly, in my current role, whereas my mate does exactly what was being asked on the assessment in his current job. The job is basically his, only somehow for more money. If he doesn’t get the job, it’d be very sus.

    But forgetting how good he is at interpreting datasets and presenting information, because the second part of the assessment is where things got weird: write 400 words about this painting. My mate has since informed me it’s Guernica by Picasso. Of course he knew the name of it. Of course a job assessment about looking at data included a section on writing a critique of a goddamn painting. I mean, why wouldn’t it?

    So not only is my mate perfect for the job, based off the job description, but the seemingly complete curveball of an assessment is even more up his street.

    At the very least, I guess his current post will become vacant and I can apply for that. And probably fail to get it because I forgot how to do rudimentary trend calculations I probably learned when I was 13 and haven’t used since then. Curses.

    Also one question on the first part was something like ‘explain why there may have been a decrease this year?’ and I’m staring at my graph that’s basically


    thinking DECREASED? Ehhhh… so just wrote two lines of made up stuff explaining what may have caused a decrease, despite my projections showing a definite increase. Couldn’t have messed it up more, tbh.

    And then for the painting thing I just described how loads of people are scrambling around in a small room, screaming and stuff cos flames are beating at the door and they’re all gonna die. And then they all died.

    Giz that job then?
    Last edited by Baz; 30-10-2019 at 03:25 PM.
    I'm a twit

  33. #2483
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    First the seating plan, now this. I'd hand in your notice if I were you.

  34. #2484
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SvN View Post
    First the seating plan, now this. I'd hand in your notice if I were you.
    Don’t even get me started. I’ve ended up with the WORST POSSIBLE SEAT.
    I'm a twit

  35. #2485
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Instead of the Guernica task, they probably asked him to design a seating plan.

  36. #2486
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    "How did your interview go?"
    *presents 11 paragraph analysis complete with graph*

    and I'm gonna go back and read it, too. Pathetic.

  37. #2487
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    I looked at the graph.

  38. #2488
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    Wouldn't the answer have been something like "Based solely on the data from year prior had we continued our downward trend from 2017 to 2018 we would've experienced a loss, but if patterns continued over the period of data available we potentially should see an uptick from year prior to date for the year of 2019 given the up and down nature of the data on file." but worded in better, less remedial terms?

  39. #2489
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    Though Baz I'd imagine your interpretation of the painting would win you points in the data world. If I were hiring someone to create graphs and numbers I'd want someone who sticks strictly to what's in front of them and not try to interpret things that aren't actually there?

    Or maybe it's the opposite, and they need someone creative to push out graphs and data that reflect what they want them to reflect in creative ways.

    I'm actually pretty intrigued with the entire art thing in the interview that's kinda wild.

  40. #2490
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    What do you do Baz?

  41. #2491
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Annoy everyone else in the office by the sound of it.

  42. #2492
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    I looked at the graph.
    The lack of labels pissed me off.

  43. #2493
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    What do you do Baz?
    Process invoices, mostly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Andy Mahowry View Post
    The lack of labels pissed me off.
    The actual one had labels. This was a rushed reconstruction.
    I'm a twit

  44. #2494
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Annoy everyone else in the office by the sound of it.
    Along with an extra large portion of fuck all.

  45. #2495
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Had a disciplinary today with someone who's been at the company even longer than me. Gave them a copywriting task to do that was due today, and I was given a 30% completed document with a bunch of excuses about it taking longer then they expected - and they needed more time.

    What they didn't realise was that it was a Google Doc, so I could see the entire edit history since the document inception, including the two days it wasn't touched at all. I was really pissed off going into it, but seeing them stumble over their words when I showed my hand almost made me laugh out loud.

  46. #2496
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    There's something very odd going on in our office this week. The structure in our department is this:

    Sales director
    Sales manager (Russian)
    Slightly more junior sales manager (Indian)
    3 sales execs, one of whom is me

    The director has an office away from the rest of us. The Russian and the Indian have little offices just offset from the open plan area where the rest of us sit.

    On Monday night, as he was leaving the Russian (who was then off on leave for the rest of the week) went and shook hands with the Indian guy, which I found odd, as they are fairly close colleagues as you would expect, speak every day and don't normally go around shaking hands with each other.

    Next, some random person from the warehouse is walking past his office and says jovially to the Indian guy 'Make sure you come back soon xxx, it won't be the same without you.' He laughs, and says something back to her which I can't really hear but includes the phrase 'starting on the 1st'.

    Obviously both these incidents have made me think that the Indian guy is offski at the end of this week, but he hasn't told us so, nor has anyone else, and given that we all work together on things every day, and he is very good at his job, and has been here for 7 years, I would find it highly unusual if he was just off and nothing was made of it. I haven't got round to asking my other colleagues about it as we're all going pretty hard on our own work most of the day.

    Then this afternoon, I was in the kitchen and in walks the Indian guy. Normally the kitchen is where any such secrets would be broken, as you're away from everyone else's earshot. He walks in, says how are you, I say great how are you, and he just starts going on about what a great day he's had, cracked some big deal in Mongolia and loads of orders have come in.

    What's the betting on this? I reckon he's off and management have for some reason asked him to keep it hush hush until the bitter end, although that wouldn't explain how a random warehouse person seemingly knew about it. If he isn't off, why is the Russian going and shaking hands with him when he would otherwise see him on Monday? It's all very odd.

  47. #2497
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Sex change.

  48. #2498
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Throw a in there.

    Do people not shake hands over there? Seems like a pretty common thing to do.

  49. #2499
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    It is, but not on a daily basis with someone you work with.

  50. #2500
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    I would feel absolutely ridiculous shaking hands with a coworker in the middle of the day. The only time that happens is if they've announced a big event (marriage/child) or it's their last day.

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