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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #4851
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    experi-skills

  2. #4852
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I made that word up. But still. My account actually de-activates tomorrow, so I've tipped them off that I'm applying so they can notify me if I get an interview, which will mean having to identify myself anyway. Dominic Cummings wouldn't stand for this.

  3. #4853
    I used to be funny.
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    Had a minor new job chucked at me today so that might solve the 'fuck, there's no work' problem.

  4. #4854
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    What the fuck is this meant to achieve?
    Equity mate, equity.

  5. #4855
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I need to start looking for a new job. This one is making me crack, I think.

    Logged in to find an "urgent call back request" because someone has messed up whilst setting their standing order up. What do you want me to do about that exactly? You have all the info, you know how and where you messed it up, call the fucking bank.

  6. #4856
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    There's no better feeling currently than when a meeting ends and you have nothing else on for 2-3 hours.

  7. #4857
    I used to be funny.
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    I still feel like I'll get pulled up on it. I've only got one training course left and it's the horrendous bollocks about company structure.

    Companies of the world: Don't narrate your powerpoints with text to speech robot bollocks. People don't pay attention to it.

  8. #4858
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Smashed through a load of work that had been piling up and I was starting to dread sorting out, in about 2 hours this morning. Feels good man.

    Now I’m in a fake meeting while I take a bed down and put up a newer, bigger one.
    I'm a twit

  9. #4859
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Offshore Toon View Post
    There's no better feeling currently than when a meeting ends and you have nothing else on for 2-3 hours.
    I raise you: a meeting ending early and then nothing booked in for the next few hours.

  10. #4860
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Last Friday was meltdown stuff. This Friday started off so busy that I've had to postpone what I planned to get done for another day to allow me to enjoy my Friday afternoon as it they are meant to be.

  11. #4861
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Blocking time in the calendar so it looks like you have meetings

  12. #4862
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I'm always very busy and very unavailable after 2:30.

  13. #4863
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Out of the last 12 working hours, I've spent 9 of them on Zoom calls. Absolutely horrendous, I don't know how people do this regularly.

  14. #4864
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Just now I took my 8,000th call of the day in the office, it was some cad-sounding English tosser abroad who said he wanted to speak to a particular manager who is in the office. Not knowing who he was and not wanting to transfer any old cunt to a manager, I said 'Sure, what was it regarding?' He said 'What?' I said: 'What was it regarding?' He said: 'I don't understand.' I said: 'What was your call regarding?' At this point he started to get seriously frustrated/flustered and said 'Just put me through! Put me through!' until eventually I did.

    This follows on from a work-from-home colleague shitting herself with rage yesterday after I put 'What did you need?' in the chat, having missed a Teams call from her. This was apparently very rude of me.

    Am I losing my command of language, or is everybody else collapsing into insanity around me?

  15. #4865
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Rude? She needs a good slap.

  16. #4866
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    So rude that her first response was 'Wow.' Either I'm having a breakdown or she is.

  17. #4867
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    I can see how she may have read "what did you need?" as a little abrupt and I can see how absolutely lacking in such intent it may have been from your tender fingers. This is where sweating it out drafting every message to any one who I've yet to get sexually intimate with pays dividends, especially in a culture of soft shites becoming softer by the day.

    "Hey Laura, sorry I missed your call earlier, can I be of any help now cutie? Hehe "

  18. #4868
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    “Too busy for idle chat. State your requirements. Be brief”.

  19. #4869
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    I tend to overdo niceties in emails/Teams as it balances out my lack of enthusiasm for anything work-related. Or, thinking about it just now, it might make me seem like a psychopath.

  20. #4870
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Any missed calls get responded to with a "what's up?".

  21. #4871
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Although I think people should not call you out of the blue and should message you on Teams/Slack/whatever before calling to make sure you are free.

  22. #4872
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    My boss got on to me the other day because some equally weak minded cunt complained because my voicemail basically says leave a message or I’m not ringing you back.

  23. #4873
    I used to be funny.
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    Nowt wrong with that. How else will you know what they're after?

  24. #4874
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Bingo. Fucks over all those hidden number cunts too.

    They’re just like every other customer. Think your whole work day amounts to sitting by the phone just waiting for them to need you.

  25. #4875
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    My absolute number one shithead customer is a guy in Castlebar who rings up and then says 'I'm just popping down to the shop, hold on there', or if he's already in the shop, randomly breaks off for another conversation with someone there whilst he's supposed to be talking to me. The other day I was quoting him for parts and he fucked off mid-call to start giving someone directions, which gave me a nice insight into how Irish people give directions, apparently in terms of folk memory rather than actually having road names, postcodes or addresses.

    "You know the road where the old filling station was. No, the old road. You turn left by the barn and go up past Joe's mother's place, all the way until the brick bridge that the new road runs across. Then it's down a lane behind the white wall until you get past the field of horses and Frank Molloy's is there on the left. No, the old filling station, not the new one by the pond..."

    And so on for about five minutes until I start going HELLO! HELLO! down the phone to get him back.

  26. #4876
    Just Luca, but still a DJ Luca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    Although I think people should not call you out of the blue and should message you on Teams/Slack/whatever before calling to make sure you are free.
    Yep, that’s the one. Calling out of the blue is entirely poor form.

  27. #4877
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    That’s absolutely bang on to how it’s done here @Jimmy Floyd.


    Last edited by Giggles; 19-02-2021 at 06:45 PM.

  28. #4878
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    That is a decent bit ruined by an astonishingly shouty man.

  29. #4879
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian View Post
    That is a decent bit ruined by an astonishingly shouty man.
    That was the bovinity tour, I remember going to a couple of those shows and he was coked off his box for them. He’s a quiet thoughtful chat show host now

  30. #4880
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Why is he dressed like Mickey from Snatch?

  31. #4881
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    It's my favourite (work)day of the year today. They've run a report that requires me to resolve a load of tasks. I can do this by highlighting the lot and clicking "complete". 250 tasks performed today. 500% of my average.

    Anything new on Netflix lads?

  32. #4882
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    I only know the extension of one random bloke in the company so if I ever get a random sales call from some Indian call centre etc I just say one second please mate then transfer it to him every time. Sorry John.

  33. #4883
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Well tomorrow’s the big day - the culmination of hundreds of hours of work, for some random civilians to “interview” a potential service provider.

    Except the rest of the providers dropped out cos there’s not enough money, so they’ve got the contract anyway and it’s all a POINTLESS WASTE OF TIME.

    At least I can go back to doing my actual job on Friday.
    I'm a twit

  34. #4884
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Current watching our weekly team meeting / video chat and my unstable manager that we have long held suspicions about is very clearly drunk. This is amazingly awkward.

  35. #4885
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    And... our hour long meeting has just been ended by her manager after 14 minutes.

  36. #4886
    I used to be funny.
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    Excellent.

  37. #4887
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Let's hope she doesn't drive off a California highway any time soon.

  38. #4888
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    This has easily been the least productive week so far. Luckily, the one meeting that requires any real work from me keeps getting pushed back. I've also got THREE annual reviews coming up with my parent company in the run-up to handing my notice in. I can't decide whether to hand it in early to avoid the bullshit, nod along as if everything is fine (and help come up with a training plan for the next year) or try and give the impression that it looks like I'm off but undecided. There's a bonus on the line in next month's pay, so it really is horrendous timing.

  39. #4889
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    What determines the bonus? Is it managers' discretion or based on quantifiable performance stuff or something else?

    Because I think I'd rather put my notice in than waste my time with the performance reviews and a training plan you're never going to do.

  40. #4890
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Things have slowed up here and I've basically given myself the week off. Absolutely cruising it, answer the odd email when it comes in, do the odd quote, and there's no one in the office to see me chilling. I deserve it.

  41. #4891
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian View Post
    What determines the bonus? Is it managers' discretion or based on quantifiable performance stuff or something else?

    Because I think I'd rather put my notice in than waste my time with the performance reviews and a training plan you're never going to do.
    It's in writing and based on past performance so I'm fairly certain it's solid. The company treats employees well so I'd be surprised if they took it away.

  42. #4892
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Normally you won't be eligible for the bonus if you're on your notice period

  43. #4893
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Yeah, that's the worry, but I've looked through my contract and employee handbook and there's nothing in there that would support them taking it off me.

  44. #4894
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    I've been supporting another team with a project involvėng shit I had no prior knowledge on since May, fighting raging fires with a water pistol that I got free from a xmas cracker. Was only meant to be for a few months. They're now looking to offload the resident guru who runs the whole show's role and responsibilities on to me till at least September as he is moving. The proverbial music has stopped and the shit parcel is firmly within my grip as I had feared it may. A braver man would tell them to fuck off but my morals are too pristine and my balls too small.

  45. #4895
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I'm getting a departmental laptop. We can't use them for our current roles, but they follow you through the civil service, so at least if I get a different job down the line I'll have a massive out of date computer to haul around.

  46. #4896
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    Instead of toying with my bonus, I'm going to ask for a career break. It would be a better option all round for me and one I think they'd consider. If they don't agree, then they'll have to take part blame for me leaving. Easy.

  47. #4897
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    I had some issues with locum payments so they sent me a list of all the shifts they'll be paying me for next payday.

    One of them they'd processed as 10 hours when it was 8 hours (completely their fault, I've checked the timesheet I submitted and it's correct).

    I did the right thing and pointed it out and they told me it would be "easier" if I find a way to do the extra two hours so they don't have to correct it

    Needless to say I will not be doing that.

  48. #4898
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    Go join Mahow in the morally corrupt corner, please.

  49. #4899
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    I got granted access to some “restricted” early-bird data yesterday and I’m jizzing at the prospect of looking through it.
    I'm a twit

  50. #4900
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    55 minutes into the week, already want to napalm France and then all my colleagues, in that order. Fucking workshy cunts.

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