The All New Jobs Thread

[Jimmy Floyd]

I just worked out a way of pulling the data on who has done what work from the system without being detected (thanks to my mole in the IT department).

Turns out I've done 146 quotes and got £40k of orders in the last week, and the next highest person in our 18-strong sales team is 92 quotes for £15k of orders.

LOL

Also turns out the Russian is the laziest man alive, only done 10 quotes in the space of a week to my 146, probably earns about £10k more than me. Mind you he has to go to Siberia next week so swings and roundabouts.

[Baz]

You don’t help yourself, Jim.

Like you know they take the piss but now you’ve got the data to back it up. Finding out everyone’s salaries at one of my jobs was the final straw, that’ll be next.


Edit: sidekick met my son today

[Luke Emia]

You don’t help yourself, Jim.

Like you know they take the piss but now you’ve got the data to back it up. Finding out everyone’s salaries at one of my jobs was the final straw, that’ll be next.


Edit: sidekick met my son today

Good to get the meeting with his 'new mum' early I suppose.

[Dquincy]

You don’t help yourself, Jim.

Like you know they take the piss but now you’ve got the data to back it up. Finding out everyone’s salaries at one of my jobs was the final straw, that’ll be next.


Edit: sidekick met my son today

She wants you to put a son in her.

She clearly likes you a lot.

[Baz]

Another work jolly today. An inconvenient four hour meeting in the middle of the day, bookended by Starbucks and cocktails.

[Dark Soldier]

Interview for Junior System Analyst on Tuesday. Somehow got the interview despite zero qualifications but I mentioned PEBCAK in the app which prob swung it.

Got to do an assessment pre-interview, written. I'm guessing troubleshooting or summat to see how you handle it.

Any IT bods in here have even a rough inkling of what kinda assessment it would be for this role? Even if its not directly the same or even close just a general idea would help me prepare.

[Ben]

News of pay rise today. 8% from April. Had 15% last year due to Covid and cost of living. Not even been here 2 years and wage has increased 23% lol

What a place.

What happened bro?

[Dark Soldier]

What happened bro?

The new role is within the same organisation and would be an additional 5% on top of the above. Internal role, not leaving

[Raoul Duke]

Interview for Junior System Analyst on Tuesday. Somehow got the interview despite zero qualifications but I mentioned PEBCAK in the app which prob swung it.

Got to do an assessment pre-interview, written. I'm guessing troubleshooting or summat to see how you handle it.

Any IT bods in here have even a rough inkling of what kinda assessment it would be for this role? Even if its not directly the same or even close just a general idea would help me prepare.

@wullie does IT, if I remember correctly. He's probably able to turn almost any computer off and back on again

[wullie]

Only if I can do it remotely

[Dark Soldier]

Job sounds easy. I've been learning Powershell last few weeks but if I only have to press the power button, banging.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This place has reached peak moron I think. One of the sales team, an Italian woman, works in a separate office on her own and often complains bitterly about being left out of things / conversations. As a result she asked to move into the main sales office with us. There isn't any space at the moment, so to make space they decided to knock down a partition wall into a neighbouring, defunct reception area. Builders in, bang bang bang, the wall comes down like it's 1989. Room now much bigger and space for two more desks.

Italian woman: actually I've changed my mind, I'll stay where I am.

[Shindig]

Build that wall!

[Lofty]

Surely at a spot like yours where going to warzones is a non negotiable part of the job if you are unlucky enough to cover that area, the Saffas are going to lol the Italian woman out of her office? Is she attractive? That is the only reason they will accomodate a u-turn surely.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Rumour is that the MD has a soft spot for the Italian woman (she's pushing 60) because he likes her big nipples. At least that's what one of my bosses said last year after a bottle of white wine at a fish restaurant. She's certainly fond of crying straight to him when she doesn't get her own way.

Nipple size obviously a key part of any workplace dynamic.

[Spikey M]

It takes a certain type of man to deal with an Italian woman. The volume, the intensity of emotions and how tactile they are. They would crush me under heel.

Anyway, I'm off for a wank.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Her greatest Italian hit was when my boss (the old cockney geezer) forgot to thank her for her extremely small amount of help during the year during his bit at an annual get-together. She kicked off in front of everyone. The next morning he brought her in flowers to apologise, she took them from his hand and threw them straight in the bin.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

What a woman.

[Lofty]

Going to need specifics on the nipple diameter here, are we talking drinks coasters or full on burger nips? Definitely why they are in her thrall.

[Kikó]

Rumour is that the MD has a soft spot for the Italian woman (she's pushing 60) because he likes her big nipples. .

[Baz]

How has anyone seen her nips?

[Jimmy Floyd]

No one needs to have done. Middle aged men start drinking wine together, their minds race; a rumour, like a plate-sized nipple from a bra, slips out. Either that or someone has seen them.

[Bernanke]

Maybe the South Africans saved money on heating in her office.

[randomlegend]

I was unaware enormous nipples was considered a desirable trait.

[Spikey M]

I'm not sure they are, per se. It's more to do with knowing something about a woman's private parts. Especially if you're a sad, perverted old man.

It's similar to Angela Rayners Ginger Growler. Ginger pubes aren't exactly in demand, but there's something almost voyeuristic about knowing she has them.

I sound like I should be on a register, don't I?

[Baz]

FWIW my nipples are huge (and very dark).

[Spikey M]

One of my friends has started a new job and went for a team lunch. All the men got a burger - obviously - and upon seeing the size of it, his manager said "this might be a knife and fork job. What do you think?"

Well, "it's always a handjob for me" is what he thought.

Top work.

[randomlegend]

Was it bigger or smaller than the Italian's nipples? That's my only point of reference when it comes to burgers.

[Mike]

“Nipple and a half that burger! Pass me the knife and fork!”

[Dark Soldier]

Had the IS interview today. Everything I prepped for (Powershell, SQL etc), the questions were the complete opposite and about shit I haven't done. Complete disaster, knew about ten minutes in its a no. Love it

[Dark Soldier]

And another interview lined up for a week on Friday. Case review/Investigations for Specialst Applications. Thorough kinda job. Specialist apps are highly complicated and can take over 12 months to process. Let's have it.

[Shindig]

A couple of cracking emails to start the day off. Some bloke went postal at one of our Casablanca offices, stabbing three.

How does Durham follow that up? Someone's smeared shit all over the disabled toilet walls last night. This is not the first time this has happened.

[Spikey M]

That happened in the disabled toilet at my old work. Do you have anyone that's moved up there from Essex? We could solve 2 crimes here.

[Shindig]

No but we did have some fella come up from the call centre asking if we had any jobs going. That's probably the culprit.

[Dark Soldier]

Same happened in our old place, Dunelm. Not the disabled bogs but a phantom wall shit smearer in a cubicle.

Must be a modern youth trend.

[Lofty]

Someone was doing it on trains in Yorkshire but drawing a smiley face and writing hello in it.

[phonics]

Todays job is the 'Ombersley Cricket Club Business Lunch' brochure. Top priorities include "Complete refurbishment of our clubhouse to meet the demands of the 21st century." Whatever that means. Sounds like a load of shit but they secured big Dave Gower (OBE) so what do I know

[Jimmy Floyd]

Sports club fundraising is a grim business. Governing bodies have ridiculous requirements of you but also don't give you any money to meet those requirements, so getting a load of local business wankers to pay £500 a table to hear David Gower tell a few tall stories from the 80s sounds like quite a good wheeze.

[phonics]

What are the 21st century Demands put on a clubhouse? HD TV's for the bar?

[Ben]

Energy costs. My club isn't the biggest so doesn't have a huge footfall but they've had their money buffer wiped out in the last year through £2k/month electricity bills.

[Shindig]

And a digital clock on the wall. Maybe even a women's toilet.

[Jimmy Floyd]

What are the 21st century Demands put on a clubhouse? HD TV's for the bar?

Having googled them their clubhouse looks like a relic, so they probably want to build a new one or heavily renovate it, which is a 100-250k type job. The main thing you want is a big floor space that you can hire out to community groups or nurseries in the daytime, or at minimum a modern functioning bar to drive up revenues.

[phonics]

It just got more exciting, apparently Phillip from Bargain Hunt is a member and is turning up. That's the furniture and nick nacks sorted.

[Ben]

From a quick skeg on Google Street View, Ombersley looks like the safest Tory seat ever.

[phonics]

From a quick skeg on Google Street View, Ombersley looks like the safest Tory seat ever.

Welcome to the Worcestershire area. We've got an assortment of Brexiteer Tory headbangers.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It's been a fun week this week. The South Africans are over, ostensibly to celebrate the impending retirement of the reigning CEO, an outgoing, jokey man who is presumably a ruthless bastard underneath. He's turning 70 so in this industry an early retirement and he's off to do the following things over the next six months: cycle across Portugal, climb Macchu Picchu, and go to see the gorillas in Rwanda. Anyway, he's gone and he's being replaced by someone who has the personal charisma not even of a wet sponge, but of the empty washing up bowl after the sponge has done its work. The best way I can describe him is that if the Dementors from Harry Potter had a South African branch, this would be the guy who does their accounts. Earlier on some colleagues wondered whether he would come and speak to us in the sales team before he departed to try and boost morale. I said 'Depends if they've plugged him into the mains', and they all looked at me and said jesus, that's a bit risky, he's your new boss dontcha know.

Anyway, the week began with a ludicrous three-hour Teams call. It should be pointed out that in this industry we never do Teams calls, it's all business all the time and five-word messages to grease it along, but once the corporate goons march through the door everything changes a bit. During this call some untalented people made shit presentations. My actual boss, the sales director, had called me into his office an hour beforehand to proof read his presentation. It was absolute dogshit and clearly written by ChatGPT. I told him that it was fine (lie, but what can you do with an hour to spare) and he should be confident in himself (he clearly isn't). He duly read this thing out, with shit slides to go with it, and at least among the proles who discussed it afterwards, it went down like cold sick. Normally we are all very loyal to this guy, because he's a good guy and a good boss, but he gave away his shortcomings at the corporate level with this presentation and he'll need good results in the next year to undo the damage.

The South Africans were unhappy with how little input there had been from the floor, so a process started in which Piet Retief would call out everyone, in turn but in a random order, to give examples of something we need to improve to do sales better. I was the second-most-junior person on the call, at least in the sense that I'm not yet an area manager, even if I am the bloke who the sales director calls into his office to proof-read his set piece presentations. When I was called I said in about 25 seconds that we have none of the required market intelligence and our reporting capabilities are terrible. Retief didn't know what to say to that, so rather than the cheery agreement he had been giving to everyone else, he quickly moved on to the next person. They were all going mega-specific which is a waste of time because no one in a call like this cares about your crappy customer in Macedonia, this is big picture stuff that needs to work for everyone, but self-absorbed sales people never understand this.

Yesterday, there was a drinks party called at 4pm for the outgoing CEO. I chose not to attend, because I am increasingly an awkward bastard and I would much rather do an hour's work in peace and quiet than go and drink flat cava and eat a stale biscuit while doing awkward small talk with Warren from accounts. There are only about 5 stock retirement speeches by executives, but he apparently used one of them, which was the 'When I first walked through the doors of this place, I looked around and couldn't believe how much work we had to do. But now, thanks to all of you...' This is complete bullshit of course: it's largely the same people as were there before, and the place is exactly the same too, apart from the wall they've just had knocked down.

It was only today, the last day of their stay, that the real fun and games got going. A board meeting was called all day, with Retief now out and Nosferatu newly at the helm. The vampire-king was - I know, thanks to the Arab's mole in the room and his willingness to leak the secrets to me - quick to announce some changes. First up was the announcement that the Arab's brother, who runs IT, will now have to report in to the finance director, who is a guileless lickspittle and a South African plant. The Arab's brother took the opportunity to kick off and that ended in what I think is a genuine threat to quit, which will fuck the company, as has been clear from the results of the last 10 times he has threatened to quit over the last 20 years. Next up was the news that the guy running our American branch, a Palestinian who has been with us 30 years, is OUT and our MD will be promoted to become MD of both branches (USA is far smaller than UK). Finally, news emerged that yet another South African plant, and Arabic-speaker, is coming to the sales team from April, even though there is no obvious need for this to happen. The Arab seemed remarkably relaxed about this, given that they are quite obviously trying to machine gun his family and the influence that it has had on the company over the last 30 years. Maybe the Arabs have another set of cards up their sleeve that they won't yet tell me about. For now, though, it seems that boardroom warfare is going to be the order of the day for a while.

I'll have to see how it goes. If they honour the verbal proposal to give me France from April, then on we go. If they don't, it might be time to look around I think.

[Shindig]

They'll just replace that verbal proposal with another one and you'll lump it.

[Ben]

I’m more invested in Jim’s job than my own.

[Raoul Duke]

They're going to sell the company to South Korean robots

[Shindig]

Or the Metropolitan Police.