The All New Jobs Thread

[mo]

Found out tonight that it looks likely that I'm going to be losing part of my job - no threat to my employment status, but it is very annoying. Essentially our pastoral structure has three Heads of Year (7, 8&9, 10&11) and three Assistant Heads of Year, plus four non-teaching 'Pastoral Leaders'. I've been doing the AHoY job for 18 months, which I enjoy as it's a little pay bump, doesn't have the responsibility of HoY but does give me a bit less teaching time as well. But it looks like they're going to scrap the AHoY role moving forwards. We've speculated as to what that means (a HoY for each year? surely not, that would be fucking sensible and more expensive) but at least one HoY needs replacing as they're retiring and joining the Pastoral Leaders team.

So at some point, hopefully this term, at least one HoY role will be advertised, likely internally. I'd be in with a good shout of getting it I reckon but equally if it's only one position and not three, I'm not sure I want it. Poisoned chalice, etc.

Plus I think that would technically make me a Binman.

[phonics]

Got a real job

Back in graphic design.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I kicked off at the Arab earlier for being a spoiled little bitch (details are too boring to recount). He then kicked off at the Russian, the Russian kicked off back at him, then the Indian got involved, and about 4 of them are now in the director's office having a really loud bust-up and gesticulating while I chill sipping coffee.

I feel like the British Empire.

[Ben]

Where's the real G in all this, Arab's Dad?

[Giggles]

I kicked off at the Arab earlier for being a spoiled little bitch (details are too boring to recount). He then kicked off at the Russian, the Russian kicked off back at him, then the Indian got involved, and about 4 of them are now in the director's office having a really loud bust-up and gesticulating while I chill sipping coffee.

I feel like the British Empire.

Give them back their stuff.

[Kikó]

Got a real job

Back in graphic design.

Hospitality in the mud.

[Baz]

Post has gone to advert for my assistant.

What a time to be alive.

One applicant. She seems keen.

[Foe]

Fit?

[Ben]

A very, very attractive woman has started in our H&S department and the young new manager hired her without clearing it with his wife. Rookie mistake.

[Shindig]

No lookers have come through in our latest agency intake. My mind is firmly on the job.

[Offshore Toon]

I kicked off at the Arab earlier for being a spoiled little bitch (details are too boring to recount). He then kicked off at the Russian, the Russian kicked off back at him, then the Indian got involved, and about 4 of them are now in the director's office having a really loud bust-up and gesticulating while I chill sipping coffee.

I feel like the British Empire.

Chuck a load of potatoes in there and they'll never stop bringing it up.

[igor_balis]

6 months short of almost 10 years continuous employment, and I've finally gotten the sack

Well, failed my probation. Knew it was coming like, already had it extended by a month, and last week got an email that invited me to my probation review meeting...that would also have someone from HR attending, and told me that I could bring a union rep with me, lol. Basically an hour of being told by my manager all the ways she thought I was a dickhead, as I grinned and occasionally interrupted to say I thought she was talking shite. I feel like if I proper grovelled I MIGHT have persuaded them to extend it by another month, but what's the fucking point?

The thing that pissed me off was that it was all very unnecessary. I understand they have to tick boxes and that to cover their arses on wrongful dismissal grounds or whatever, but my manager clearly fucking hates me on a personal level (fair enough, probably), and was clearly just using it as an opportunity to get it all off her chest. There were four sections - conduct, attendance, quality of work and some other thing, and after we'd done two of them I just said something along the lines of "is it really necessary to go through all these sections one by one? clearly it isn't working, you think i'm rubbish, I disagree, but clearly I'm not the candidate you thought I was and I don't want us all to waste any more time...". HR girl was clearly a bit surprised but definitely agreed, and wrapped things up, with my manager clearly fuming that she didn't get to continue with her list of reasons I'm a cunt, Father Ted Golden Cleric award style. That was 3pm-4pm, and the cunts made me go back to my desk until 4.45 before they brought me back for a supplementary meeting to give their judgement.

Told me they've decided to end my employment, told me all the logistical stuff re: notice period, bringing back my laptop and shit, and manger AGAIN tried to start going through all the reasons they're sacking me. Yes, I know, I'm a dickhead, can I go home now?

She was a deeply unpleasant and difficult manager, but I'll bore you all with the details about that another time. The amount of managers I've had issues with would suggest it's obviously generally a ME problem, but I think I was fucked with this one from the start. She's notorious in the organisation for being an irritant, despite being piddly middle management that nobody in other departments should even have an opinion about. Appaz my predecessor knew she was going to leave to go travelling for about 4 months, but deliberately didn't hand her notice in until exactly a month before she left, what a legend. This one wasn't my fault, I swear!

[Giggles]

Your mission for your notice period should now be to annoy her enough that she explodes and has a breakdown.

[Spikey M]

I would be aiming to cause longterm distress and damage any way I could.

Tuna and scrambled egg behind / inside every radiator. Weigh down the floats in the toilets on your last day. Buy some mice from a pet shop and introduce them as free range office pets, etc.

[Giggles]

[Ian]

I've worked in with so many people who should have failed promotion for being useless and/or cunts but didn't I had started to assume it never actually happened.

Try and get her done for harassment or something if she keeps pestering you before you go. Don't ruin everybody's lives just because one person is a fanny but certainly try and make hers more effort than it's worth.

[Baz]

Why? She’s likely right.

[Spikey M]

Don't ruin everybody's lives just because one person is a fanny

Disagree.

[Foe]

You got anything else lined up? Is this not the gaff you said was a shambles anyway?

Why not request to be out on gardening leave for your notice period if she has that much of an issue with you?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I don't mean this in a dickhead way, but what do you think it is about you that means managers (pissy middle management witch-vampires or otherwise) often don't like you?

[Baz]

Fit?

Dunno, don’t think so. The lads I work with have a pretty good idea of who is and isn’t fit and I’ve never heard her mentioned before.

Bit awkward anyway because the one applicant is also the person from HR who was responsible for posting the job advert. And she’s not met some of the criteria so it’s gonna be a ‘none of the applicants met the essential criteria, please advertise the job externally’ conversation.

[Lofty]

Good luck with that one

[Ben]

Post has gone to advert for my assistant.

What a time to be alive.

One applicant. She seems keen.

Bit awkward anyway because the one applicant is also the person from HR who was responsible for posting the job advert. And she’s not met some of the criteria so it’s gonna be a ‘none of the applicants met the essential criteria, please advertise the job externally’ conversation.

A short story.

[Offshore Toon]

I don't mean this in a dickhead way, but what do you think it is about you that means managers (pissy middle management witch-vampires or otherwise) often don't like you?

She probably just hates a good story.

[Spikey M]

Dunno, don’t think so. The lads I work with have a pretty good idea of who is and isn’t fit and I’ve never heard her mentioned before.

Bit awkward anyway because the one applicant is also the person from HR who was responsible for posting the job advert. And she’s not met some of the criteria so it’s gonna be a ‘none of the applicants met the essential criteria, please advertise the job externally’ conversation.

Just give her the job you self important fanny.

[Lofty]

How qualified do you need to be to edit Love Island parody videos?

[Baz]

Just give her the job you self important fanny.

I’m already reluctant to have someone supporting me (everyone’s thicker than me) but especially so if they’re not ticking all the boxes. She couldn’t identify Kenny Omega and doesn’t know base set Charizard’s HP.

The biggest red flag was the job is advertised as 6 potential levels of pay, and she’s already on the top level. I want some entry level up-and-comer who buzzes every April when their pay increases.

[Spikey M]

@Shindig

[Manc]

You really have to go some to be sacked in the modern working world. Fair play.

[Giggles]

Imagne Baz being your boss.

[Pen]

I would imagine it to be much like the Office.

[Manc]

Emphasis very much on FUN.

[Ben]

"Working" on Monday. Basically a bit of over the phone advice from home as I recover from Sunday. I thought it was double pay but just been told quadruple.

[Lewis]

I don't mean this in a dickhead way, but what do you think it is about you that means managers (pissy middle management witch-vampires or otherwise) often don't like you?

You could argue that something like 'conduct' is subjective, especially since some people obviously won't get igor's randomness, but if they have enough material to make 'attendance' an issue then lol what you thinking mate?

[Shindig]

@Shindig

Not for me, Clive. Although I might say otherwise next March.

[Spikey M]

One of my tenants has stopped engaging and it is completely unlike him. I have tried visiting him twice along with phonecalls, emails, etc. So I called the police on Tuesday and asked if they could do a welfare visit.

Just had a call at 11 o'clock at night. He's dead. Presumed suicide but they aren't sure. Fuck.

Not sure what the point of this post is lads, so carry on, I guess I'm just processing.

[igor_balis]

I don't mean this in a dickhead way, but what do you think it is about you that means managers (pissy middle management witch-vampires or otherwise) often don't like you?

It's a fair question, though it's not just that managers often dislike me - it's that they almost always really like me and think I'm quality, or they think I'm a massive wanker. I know some people would fucking love that, and be all if you can't handle me at my worst you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best #marmite, but I don't. I don't get that mixed John Cena reception from anyone else (cus everyone just thinks i'm a twat wayyy).

I think there's two main things.

One is that I'm obviously fairly bright, and capable of actually doing good work (you'll have to take my word for it on those), but also have moments where I get the brain fuzz, struggle to maintain attention, make stupid little mistakes and all that stuff. Been the same story since school - obviously almost every school report I had was "igor is more than capable, but needs to put more effort it/pay more attention" etc etc. In terms of my professional performance, it obviously doesn't really matter what causes it, but the problem is that some managers interpret it as laziness/not giving a shit, or in the case of my most recent manager, outright insubordination. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I really can't help it. I'm just an idiot.

I remember one particularly pathetic moment where I actually went home and cried like a little girl when I was working at the bank, because I made this mad effort to be more attentive, had been eating really well, not drinking, sleeping loads, doing exercise, and proper pushing myself at work, and I still ended up managing to fuck something up really badly and my till ended up £200 wrong. It was a bit like that simpsons episode where Bart actually does loads of revision for that test and still fucked it up.

The managers who have liked me have I think put up with the shit, cus they know I can't help it, and because I've made up for it with other work.

The other thing is basically just how I carry myself. I'm quite casual and jokey and shit and don't exactly have a "work mode". I'm not trying to do this to brag about my #authenticity, it's more an admission that I'm fucking rubbish at changing this when it ain't working. I guess the managers who like me just think I'm a sound, genuine guy with top bantz, and the others think I'm an unprofessional dickhead who needs to grow up and think me acting like the class clown now i'm in my 30s is pathetic - and like, fair enough. To clarify, I'm not a bantersaurus going round putting whoopie cushions on the ceo's chair and saying alright dickhead to my manager.

Bit high risk high reward I suppose. At the rural Norfolk bank branch I got told by my manager I needed to stop being so casual with customers, and say Sir and Madam and shit, whereas at the city centre branch in Birmingham, they had new staff shadow me to watch how I interact with customers as it was exactly the kind of personable, approachableness they wanted, and said you shouldn't try to be deferential to posher customers cus it comes across really fake and insincere. As I said, the problem is that I'm fucking rubbish at switching to being more professional and serious when managers prefer that. I guess I need to work on that.

[Luca]

I'm not a doctor (I'm just Yevrah), but the first bit of that kind of sounds like ADD, Igor. I don't mean that as a barb at all, but in a "there are treatments for that, man" kind of way.

[Ian]

One of my tenants has stopped engaging and it is completely unlike him. I have tried visiting him twice along with phonecalls, emails, etc. So I called the police on Tuesday and asked if they could do a welfare visit.

Just had a call at 11 o'clock at night. He's dead. Presumed suicide but they aren't sure. Fuck.

Not sure what the point of this post is lads, so carry on, I guess I'm just processing.

That's shit. How often are you in touch with somebody like that?

[Spikey M]

That's shit. How often are you in touch with somebody like that?

Fairly common. It's the nature of Social / Council housing that we have a large number of vulnerable people, but in recent (read: Tory) years Supported Housing (Along with every other support service) has been cut back to the bone. So we have quite a few residents that probably shouldn't be living in "general needs" accommodation, but it's that or nothing. So subsequently we have people coming from Harp (Southends charity for the homeless) with drug and / or alcohol dependency issues just being left to crack on alone. That's what's happened with this bloke. Nice man, down on his luck, turned to the booze and completely let down by the support services that are meant to be in place to help him.

[Jimmy Floyd]

On the subject of death, one of our warehouse supervisors is leaving to become an undertaker. Just walked round the offices saying his goodbyes. Someone asked him how he found the role / got into it, since he's been here for 20 years. He said 'I dunno really, it's just something I've always wanted to do'. Not a hint of sarcasm/irony. Love it.

[Raoul Duke]

Maybe he's really into 90s wrestling

[mo]

I'm not a doctor (I'm just Yevrah), but the first bit of that kind of sounds like ADD, Igor. I don't mean that as a barb at all, but in a "there are treatments for that, man" kind of way.

Exact same thought. Adult diagnosis is possible, although you're probably looking at a 2-3 year wait assuming it's the same for adults as it is for kids. I only mention it because if that is the case then suddenly igor's manager goes from being 'a bit of a cunt' to 'discriminatory'.

Although a guy I used to work with got himself diagnosed as autistic aged 35 and it was like a switch flipped, he just sort of stopped trying. All he does now is talk about being autistic and he's pretty well known for it, but it is really fucking grating. His twitter threads about how to treat/talk to autistic people are really conceited.

[mo]

Found out tonight that it looks likely that I'm going to be losing part of my job - no threat to my employment status, but it is very annoying. Essentially our pastoral structure has three Heads of Year (7, 8&9, 10&11) and three Assistant Heads of Year, plus four non-teaching 'Pastoral Leaders'. I've been doing the AHoY job for 18 months, which I enjoy as it's a little pay bump, doesn't have the responsibility of HoY but does give me a bit less teaching time as well. But it looks like they're going to scrap the AHoY role moving forwards. We've speculated as to what that means (a HoY for each year? surely not, that would be fucking sensible and more expensive) but at least one HoY needs replacing as they're retiring and joining the Pastoral Leaders team.

So at some point, hopefully this term, at least one HoY role will be advertised, likely internally. I'd be in with a good shout of getting it I reckon but equally if it's only one position and not three, I'm not sure I want it. Poisoned chalice, etc.

Plus I think that would technically make me a Binman.

Got a request from the Assitant Head to chat to me and one of the other AHoYs (not sure why not all three) about the structure going forwards. Annoyingly It'll have to wait til Wednesday as my body has decided that I'm dizzy whenever I stand up today but I'm hoping the other guy will go and chat to him and report back.

[Baz]

All he does now is talk about being autistic and he's pretty well known for it, but it is really fucking grating. His twitter threads about how to treat/talk to autistic people are really conceited.

Especially when it’s all made up.

[Gray Fox]

An adult diagnosis of Autism can take several years no? I would imagine if he was faking it, it would have shone through.

[Spikey M]

An adult diagnosis of Autism can take several years no?

Fuck that, I reckon we can sort this out by Tuesday. Someone start a thread. "Igor: Autistic or Twat".

Make a poll.

[Raoul Duke]

Fuck that, I reckon we can sort this out by Tuesday. Someone start a thread. "Igor: Autistic or Twat".

Make a poll.

Replace WDYTOE? with Who Do You Think Is Autistic?

[Lewis]

I once missed out on an in-year reward because of my 'conduct around the office', but I'm basically unsackable/irreplaceable (this is more a reflection of my shit pay than me), and people just think I'm a bit of a retard anyway with my mega memory and cheeky sexism, so now nobody thinks about it.

[Giggles]

I’m too thick to be autistic.