It really doesn't bode well for us.
It really doesn't bode well for us.
Everyone just wants you cunts to stop breeding.Originally Posted by Don
I'm a twit
That'll be a PM to Phonics.
A good lad to dish and not take alright.
I fucking love 3-pint-Giggles on the Fridays.
Went a safari park today. Sea lions are mega.
I'm a twit
A cousin fell off his ladder today.
He was packing up and felt that there was a gap in the silicone work he had done near a window or something so climbed up and whilst coming down the ladder slipped and he jumped off rather than fall with it.
He drove home, went to the shops and was joking about it. Then his ankle swelled up, pain kicked in and his wife asked if I'd drop them off at A&E. After dropping them off I had almost made it back home when they called and asked if I could take them to another A&E as this one was full and not dealing with minor injuries.
He was 100% sure that nothing was broken.
At the other A&E he was told that the fibia and ankle is broken whilst his tibia had a crack. The only saving grace was that the fractures hadn't moved and so should only result in a 6-8 week cast.
Avoiding a 5th birthday party for some kid at school to stay home and watch rugby, then the league cup final, and boxing tonight. Off work tomorrow too, albeit to go to a funeral, but still.
I'm a twit
got battered in rugby town centre Saturday afternoon with my mate who was back home, concluding with me very awkwardly congratulating Chris Wakelin on winning the shootout in the restaurant underneath the cocktail bar we'd been to, and then losing pool to some pensioner in a rough pub (should have got Chrissy boy to come and coach me).
went to Manchester Sunday, went for Armenian food (just a massive pile of grilled meat, 10/10), saw Daniel Kitson at some socialist bar/concert venue in Hebden Bridge last night. Just done all the charity shops in Chorlton, now having hunters chicken and a San Miguel in a bleak Greene King before I head to Piccadilly station. Pretty much a perfect long weekend I reckon.
Which Greene pub?
royal oak, it was pretty grim. middle aged woman was practically passing out in the doorway as she tried to roll a fag
The spoons across the road is much more interesting. It's a great building.
https://flic.kr/p/LCaXGf
Vasectomy tomoz.
Booked Monday off work towatch wrestlingrecover.
I'm a twit
Saturday sesh in Manchester today, for my birthday which is next week when the trains are on strike.
My mate works in Manchester and drinks there a lot so he volunteered to plan a pub crawl. Starting at Oxford Road the initial plan was:
Cask
Mulligans
Toms or sams chophouse (or both)
Beermoth
City arms
But seeing as the weathers nice, some beer garden pubs have been thrown in the mix:
Peverill of the peak
City arms (can drink on the street outside)
Rain bar
Sir Ralph Abercrombie
Bridge Street Tavern
Very excited to get the kids swimming out the way and get flooding my insides with milkshake and ginger beer in a desperate attempt to stave off intoxication until at least tea time.
I'm a twit
Pevererill is a very good pub. You could try Sinclairs.
mates stag in West Wales this weekend. was mostly alright. was him, me, his mate from high school in Wales that I've met loads of times over the years (including at the night out that @SincereTheRebel came to a few years ago), plus three posh london lads he knows through his fiancé. they were all reasonably alright for the first evening, but by the end they were just really annoying.
they didn't really do anything that egregious, it just felt like they regressed to the mean of what you'd expect from privately educated insular Londoners. I think it's mostly just a bit sad that three lads my mate isn't even that close to qualified for the stag weekend basically by default. I've been invited to stag dos before as ballast for people who basically have no mates and it's just a bit awkward. I'd actually been on holiday with the guy to the same place four or five years ago (llangrannog, new quay etc), and I'm the last man standing - one ex girlfriend and two mates he's fallen out with and not spoken to for years. is it that common for people in their 20s and early 30s to shed friends like that?
maybe I'm a bad judge, cus I relentlessly hang on to mates in a way that perhaps normal people wouldn't be able to, by virtue of getting on with life shit like careers, relationships etc - it's easy enough to keep in touch with people indefinitely when you're basically just pissing about for your entire life.
Best man's speech on Saturday. Usually be shitting it for this kind of thing but I'm pretty relaxed about it. I think it's alright, made the very early decision to go almost entirely sincere and nice rather than the shit comedy roast approach.
There's nothing more excruciating than bad comedy (just look at my posts on here!!), and I think it'll be a pleasant surprise for the happy couple that only one wacky anecdote made it in, about 30 seconds of 5 minutes mostly saying how class they both are. i think a solid 25% of it is about the bride as well, which will win me brownie points (especially as the vast majority of the guests are hers). There'll be a couple of celebs there as well, hopefully the girl that played Luna Lovegood and the lead singer of Wolf Alice are suitably impressed that I finally get my break into showbiz. Maybe they can plug me twitch streaming myself playing international cricket captain.
Post the routine - sorry - speech.
Sounds boring. 1 laugh in five minutes? Nah.
I'm a twit
Mate, how have you overlooked the apparent attendance of your original 'cherno'?
It's obviously not helpful to criticise the speech at this point, but going for sincere is pretty cowardly unless he's a completely boring bloke. Nobody cares how nice they are so this all just seems like a lavish scheme to shag a celebrity.
It's the Best Mans job to tell shit jokes and embarrassing stories, not to be a soppy cunt, no matter how sincere it may be. If you want to be Sincere, put on a Caribbean accent and check tyres on the wedding car.
What you want to do is make jokes that are brilliant but only 2-3 people in the room will get.
Don't do this.
This is only a good idea if you're a super generous person cos everyone who went to my wedding can now comfortably say 'well at least the best man speech won't be the worst I've ever heard' whenever they go to another wedding.
I'm a twit
Would you like to see my wand?
Add a wacky, but completely legit, anecdote in about some weird shit you did with the groom.
yeah there's one in there, which is enough
that was the most excruciating experience of my life but it went well!! I'm still alive, I got laughs and awwws and claps from an admittedly very sympathetic audience. now I can get absolutely wankered once I have a big shit in my ensuite. bye
Shag a bridesmaid for me lad
He needs to shoot his shot on one of the celebs.
Yeah, bang Luna.
She looks AI generated so he defo should.
We all would
When I did a speech I made sure it was a wireless mic. Standing there and feeling the crowd glare must be a shit feeling, as opposed to going full WWE and strutting around taking the speech to the people.
I'm pretty sure I just wrote some bullshit down about 30 mins before having to do a best man speech for my boy. I was sharing the duties with another cunt and I didn't really know the bride or 95%+ of the guests. He got divorced just over a year later. With great power...
Went to St. Paul's carnival in Bristol yesterday. I have never seen so many crusty sesh gremlins in one place. 100 thousand in attendance I'm told and it pretty much takes over the city center. Mostly a hellscape but we found a nice small dub stage for the last few hours. Got given a bag of DMT and ended the night by rolling it into a spliff, didn't have that on my bingo card.
That's just Bristol. A friend of mine was looking for lodgers once and one of the applicants put that their work involves opening connections to the shadow realm and asking if that was a deal breaker.
Yeah I nearly moved here a few years ago, probably for the best because it could well have swallowed me whole. Glasgow is like afternoon tea round GS' in comparison.
Western Somalia. They use the hippies to fool people.
DMT should be way more common than it is.
Had Maccies Friday. KFC yesterday. Just ordered Turkish. Missus been away for ten days and not back for two more weeks. Life is fucking grand lads.
How many copies of "The Power of Women" do you have there lad?
Missus fucking loves it mate. Stacks of the shit everywhere.
Those bowels are so abused
I've been shitting brilliantly tbf. Absolutely pumping out both girth and length.
here was my shit speech btw:
firstly I'd like to take a moment to just appreciate the beautiful surroundings we find ourselves in, a place so classy that I have it on good authority that groom was made to wear a blazer from lost property when he first visited, which must be the first time in his life one could accuse him of UNDERdressing for an occasion, since his usual uniform is somewhere between bohemian poet and 1950s civil servant
I've known groom for 20 years, and he is truly the most infuriating friend to have, but only because his natural intelligence, sense of humour and creativity can easily make you feel very inadequate in comparison. but he doesn't simply coast on his natural, god given talents, but has an incredible drive and sense of perfection in everything he sets his mind to: being funny wasn't enough, he had to be a stand up comedian, being a great musician wasn't enough, he had to be the front man of a band, and even just attending a Coventry night club wasn't enough...he had to fall into a pond first. (at this point I faced my fear, looked at the audience, and said it not into the microphone) this isn't a story that's grown with the telling, it wasn't a puddle, it was a genuine bonafide pond. (turned to look at groom) I think you said "it's hot in clubs. it'll dry me"
perhaps that says more about the standard of bouncers in Coventry but I digress.
as I alluded to, groom is operating on such a higher level it's hard to keep up - I certainly can't - but in bride he has found someone more than his match. I imagine the first time they met was one of the firwt times in his life where it's groom who was the one struggling to keep up.. I'm sure everyone will agree it's clear that bride is absolutely beautiful today, as she is every day, but more than that she is a supremely intelligent, welcoming and funny person, and I've enjoyed every second I've had the good fortune to spend with her. I'm flabbergasted by her work ethic in the world of politics, and while not sure of her long term career goals, I think it would be a travesty if at some point i did not get to brag about my mate being the husband of the prime minister. I'd certainly vote for you.
toast, the end
Last edited by igor_balis; 03-07-2023 at 07:07 PM.
3/10.
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