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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #9101
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I can't get the first opportunity though. It's a fucking dumb situation. I'm too good for the bad shit and too bad for the good shit. It's absolutely absurd.

    Sign me to a non-compete if it's that much of an issue.

  2. #9102
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    That just boils down to companies despising recruiting.ore than anything else on Earth..I've never seen the money side of it, is that why? Or is it just because people hate interviewing?

    The amount of shit cunts I've seen get waved through their probation because people would rather suffer an utter shitheap of an employee than do more recruitment blows my mind.

  3. #9103
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Keep plugging away and eventually the ball falls to you.

  4. #9104
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian View Post
    That just boils down to companies despising recruiting.ore than anything else on Earth..I've never seen the money side of it, is that why? Or is it just because people hate interviewing?

    The amount of shit cunts I've seen get waved through their probation because people would rather suffer an utter shitheap of an employee than do more recruitment blows my mind.
    It's the whole thing. The cost of advertising a position, time for interviews, comparing interviews according to the bullshit grading criteria, background and reference checking, waiting for the successful candidates notice period, setting up new log in details, freeing up staff for training, etc. It must be a pain in the arse.

  5. #9105
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    I can't get the first opportunity though. It's a fucking dumb situation. I'm too good for the bad shit and too bad for the good shit. It's absolutely absurd.

    Sign me to a non-compete if it's that much of an issue.
    Go work for a local authority.
    I'm a twit

  6. #9106
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I think he wants to earn some actual money.

  7. #9107
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Any money > no money

    Also ‘some money for very little work’ > ‘lots of money for lots of work’

    I sent six email requests on Friday and classed it as a productive day.
    I'm a twit

  8. #9108
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    He's working in a pub. He's already making Civil Service money.

  9. #9109
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    After 3 weeks off I cannot bear the thought of being back at work on Monday.

  10. #9110
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    I’m pretty lucky then, because I went back last Monday and I was actually quite looking forward to getting back to it.

    Both for the routine and the fact that I don’t actually hate my job.

  11. #9111
    Senior Member Waffdon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic View Post
    After 3 weeks off I cannot bear the thought of being back at work on Monday.
    Yeah, first day back tomorrow since 16th December. Sleeping pattern in the mud.

  12. #9112
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

    I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.

  13. #9113
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

    I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.
    Wrong approach - the correct idea is to use their weapons against them. Make yourself look like an glow-in-the-dark satsuma or some horrific Legion Of Doom maniac

  14. #9114
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Just use your avatar, Spikey.

  15. #9115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    My work has decided to add photos of staff members to Teams / Outlook so you can see what the person you are talking to looks like. Or, atleast, that's the theory. In reality, you can see what the men look like. For the women (especially the under 50's) you get a heavily filtered version of who you are talking to. Most of them are genuinely unrecognisable.

    I'm tempted to raise it as a concern just to watch the meltdown.
    I genuinely do not understand the widespread use of filters, they look absolutely dreadful.

  16. #9116
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.

  17. #9117
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.
    I assumed it was more the ones that slim your face/smooth out your skin/whiten your teeth etc.

  18. #9118
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    There's a company wide meeting later today (not that we're a particularly big company) that I assumed was about us getting our first customer signed (it's been in the pipeline for weeks now) but just been told by my manager here that it's because the CTO in the US is leaving. Even better news. He's a pain in our arse. That's made my week already.

  19. #9119

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    Company wide meetings are always a hoot.

    We were all coerced into joining our last one (remotely) with the promise of being entered into a draw for a Ford Mustang E. The CEO then dialled the winner live on air and was told, via a Czech-German translator, to fuck off because it's obviously a spam call. Nobody gives away free cars.

  20. #9120
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    There only are about 16 of us tbf. And four of those are contractors.

    But still, I'm delighted.

  21. #9121
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Are we talking, like, instagram style filters? Sepia tone or what have you? Explain to an out of touch cunt.
    What Boydy said. Flaw removal. Perfect teeth, thinner face, no second (third or fourth) chins, etc.

    I might get them to restore my hairline actually. Brb.

  22. #9122
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    The sort of shit lots of people use on dating apps.

  23. #9123
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I didn't even know that sort of thing existed. Pathetic.

  24. #9124
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Can we not just use chatGPT to generate AI images of what perfect employees look like in our new dystopia.

  25. #9125
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

    Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'

  26. #9126
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    And they’re an MD.

    It’s great running my own meetings now rather than just supporting someone else. What would previously have taken at least 40 minutes, and often upto the full allocated hour, is now done in 15 and I’ve 45 minutes to do some actual work.
    I'm a twit

  27. #9127
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

    Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'
    okay this post might be the one to make me do a full Manc style heel turn

  28. #9128
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Is it some sort of clumsy insult, calling him a cow?

  29. #9129
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    The Arab's brother - who does our IT - turned up today looking about 4 stone lighter than he was before Christmas. Turns out he has had an operation to remove most of his stomach in order to stop his 'larger than life' proportions (he is/was about 6 foot 5 and massive) from destroying his back and leaving him paralysed. He can now only eat liquids or Huel, until about a couple of months' time when he says he might be able to eat half a cheeseburger, and that's the most he will ever be able to eat again.

    Anyway, the main discovery from this event was that our company's MD believed that humans have two stomachs. 'What about your other stomach?' he said, in all innocence. 'Can't the food go in there?'
    Someone I went to school with went to Turkey to get a gastric band put in. He's lost an absolute fuck tonne of weight, but his occasional dinner photos are depressing beyond words. Here we have mash potato and carrot.


  30. #9130
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SvN View Post
    Is it some sort of clumsy insult, calling him a cow?
    They have four stomachs.

  31. #9131
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I'm sure I saw on QI that one of our pointless organs (possibly the Appendix) is technically stomach, it's just shrunken and unused because it's a throwback to when we ate nothing but leaves.

  32. #9132
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I think the most likely explanation is that he'd confused it with intestines, of which we have small and large.

  33. #9133
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    I'm sure I saw on QI that one of our pointless organs (possibly the Appendix) is technically stomach, it's just shrunken and unused because it's a throwback to when we ate nothing but leaves.
    That's your dick m8

  34. #9134
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    > Sent out two different templates with very discernible filenames
    > please fill in Q3 with actual spend
    > please fill in Year 2 with projected spend
    > received year 2 spreadsheet with Q3s actual spend on

    I'm a twit

  35. #9135

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    I get useless shit like that all the time. I end up always reading my sent email back to myself to see if I actually made sense or not. Always the same conclusion: people are idiots.

  36. #9136
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    I am finding increasingly that people just can't deal with more than one query at once.

    "I haven't heard from you since we last spoke in November. Has the noise from your neighbour improved? Have you been recording the time and dates of disturbances as I requested? With regards to your repair, I can see that this was due to be completed yesterday. Is everything OK now?"

    "Hi, he had music on last night."

    I blame WhatsApp.

  37. #9137
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    There's a consultant who, whenever I email them about a patient, will reply about a completely different patient and answering a completely different question.

    I start all my emails about patients with their name, hospital number and date of birth.

  38. #9138
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance. On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?

  39. #9139
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Who cares if they’re gonna pay you?
    I'm a twit

  40. #9140
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    At 105k a year for 40 hours a week. I'd require like a 14.

  41. #9141
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    You ain't Will Hunting, son.

  42. #9142
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance. On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?
    Worry about that if you actually get the job.

  43. #9143
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    This is the worst humble brag I've ever seen.

  44. #9144
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    You people are so miserable. If a ray of light came through your window, you'd shut the curtains.

  45. #9145
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    You are not a ray of light. More like a tsunami of shit.

  46. #9146
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Jk we all love you.

  47. #9147
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Can't believe you'd give up the pint game for Boeing.

  48. #9148
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    You people are so miserable. If a ray of light came through your window, you'd shut the curtains.
    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    Just had a recruiter pitch me on a job that requires a security clearance.
    Ray of light.

    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    On a scale of 1-10 how evil are Boeing?
    Meet shutting curtains.

  49. #9149
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Not really sure what you expect, phonics. You seem to come here and post something then have a bit of a strop when we don't all fall over ourselves to suck you off these days.

    But:
    1. A recruiter contacted you about the job, it's still far from certain so my advice on not worrying about it until you get the job holds as a recruiter contacting you about a job doesn't mean much.
    2. You had a good career before and you now seem to be languishing in some sketchy pub after moving to the UK again. I'd take whatever to get back into your field before that gap in your CV gets big enough to be a concern for potential employers. Boeing are probably evil but if you get offered the job, I'd take it and then look for something else once you've been there a while if you find it corrodes your soul too much.

  50. #9150
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I’m just lightheartedly posting. I really don’t mind. Think what you want. As I said to Baz it could be a 14 and you act like I’ve said no to the job.

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