The All New Jobs Thread

[Ben]

It's insane how it takes days to get anywhere out in the Andes. Our company has a job about 3 hours up the mountain from Santiago (but only like 100km) so all the workers have to stay in one of those camps that looks like it belongs in Xinjiang. I was asked by a colleague a few years ago if I wanted to go on a visit there (and also Israel at some point too) in one of those jollies branded "knowledge building exercises" but I politely declined and went to Munich instead even though what they were doing there wasn't really relevant.

[Kikó]

This is the role you have been assigned. It's easier to just accept it, ask Kiko.

Yes, sorry that's your role baz. You're so edgy.

[Luca]

The Arab is a tremendous character. It’s a shame we won’t get to hear more about him after Jim dies in a dodgy South American airline accident.

[Shindig]

This is also my thought as well. Or we get a rather mundane tale of survival.

[Lofty]

Ideally both the Arab and Jim are sent to South America, end up surviving a plane crash in the Andes and Jim just compiles an exasperated survival diary to post here upon their rescue.

[Shindig]

His first day back would be The Boss bollocking him for not checking his emails for weeks.

[randomlegend]

Or the Arab does something mental and gets them sent to prison together.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The Arab has already been to prison. I'm not sure what for (I'm guessing drugs), but whatever it was, prison terms over there seem to be less about what you have done and more about who you know who can get you released. As such he complains bitterly about having been in for 3/4 months, not because he didn't deserve it, but because there was a family friend who could have got him out but elected not to do so.

[Lofty]

Out of interest, who gets a Christmas bonus? I've never had one, or worked anywhere that subscribed to the notion. My wife however gets a pretty healthy one every year (£1500+). Is this the minority these days?

[Ben]

I don't, but I get an annual bonus (~10% of salary) which usually drops in the summer so I guess that's the same thing because I can't imagine many companies will double dip.

[Ian]

I've had one job where we got quarterly bonuses which were performance based and were dead easy to max out, other than that it's been firms finding excuses to not give it out that year or just bonuses weren't a thing.

[Kikó]

We don't get bonuses. The German government have offered to let companies offer their employees up to 3k tax free to help with cost of living which is pretty good.

[Giggles]

Usually get a grand in an envelope so as it can’t be taxed and then a 500 quid gift card as that also can’t be taxed.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I've had a Christmas bonus both at the Korean place and here. I remember one year in Korea it was weirdly high to the point it was about 20% of the pittance salary I was earning there. Here it started off at £500 and last year I got £2k, think it depends how arsed they are about keeping you.

[niko_cee]

Do you still get brown envelopes from 'the boss' geezer?

[Jimmy Floyd]

When he remembers, yeah. He's visiting the office next week so that normally results in lunch and a magnum of Chateauneuf-du-Pape which then sits gathering dust in my one-bed flat because when the fuck would there be an occasion for me to crack that open.

[Lofty]

When the computer lands a 100/1 shot.

[niko_cee]

What's a magnum? 1.5 litres? Could easily do that over Christmas lunch, surely.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I can't deprive my now retired father of about 34% of his annual leisure time in 'researching wine for Christmas'.

[Boydy]

Give him the wine and tell him to research food instead. Fucking paella.

[Danny]

No Christmas bonuses here. I used to get an annual bonus of around ~12% but a large company purchase and corporate restructure saw that off. It was only managers anyway but it seems like they tightened the level it trickles down to. I mentioned angling for a promotion (and the random retention bonus) above and hoping I can slide back in with that.

Though a large chuck of it depends on company performance so I am not sure it’s even been on the table the last year or so.

[Dquincy]

Give him the wine and tell him to research food instead. Fucking paella.

This.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Had my appraisal today. It was a far cry from the olden days where the Israeli owner would just talk about himself for 5 minutes and then give me a 2% payrise. I got 9% (nurses and postmen eat your heart out) and we had a decent chat about what I could do in the future. At one point I said: 'I'm not unambitious'. The MD said: 'So you're ambitious.' I was seething as that is exactly the sort of 3/10 mickey take gag I would do. At the end, he offered me the traditional bowl of chocolates. They were those round Lindt jobbies in different colours. I took one at random. He said 'Oh, you've taken the best one.' I said: 'Oh, have I?' It was turquoise. I don't know what the colours mean. Apparently turquoise means salted caramel. I said: "Oh, sorry, you must have had your eye on it," in a jokey way. He said: "Yeah." I thought: wait, should I put it back? Then I thought no, of course I shouldn't fucking put it back. So I ate it. It was nice.

[Foe]

9% is Hecking good. Congrats.

Those Lindt chocolate balls are supreme.

[Boydy]

Had my appraisal today. It was a far cry from the olden days where the Israeli owner would just talk about himself for 5 minutes and then give me a 2% payrise. I got 9% (nurses and postmen eat your heart out) and we had a decent chat about what I could do in the future. At one point I said: 'I'm not unambitious'. The MD said: 'So you're ambitious.' I was seething as that is exactly the sort of 3/10 mickey take gag I would do. At the end, he offered me the traditional bowl of chocolates. They were those round Lindt jobbies in different colours. I took one at random. He said 'Oh, you've taken the best one.' I said: 'Oh, have I?' It was turquoise. I don't know what the colours mean. Apparently turquoise means salted caramel. I said: "Oh, sorry, you must have had your eye on it," in a jokey way. He said: "Yeah." I thought: wait, should I put it back? Then I thought no, of course I shouldn't fucking put it back. So I ate it. It was nice.

I hope you ate while maintaining eye contact with him. Establish dominance over the old man. His time is over.

[Ben]

We have our appraisals at the end of the calendar year but any pay rises generally only happen at the start of the financial year, so by the time that rolls round the appraisal has been forgotten. Cute.

[Shindig]

I hope you ate while maintaining eye contact with him. Establish dominance over the old man. His time is over.

A real powerplay.

[mo]

Two sixth formers excluded for two days for giving year 7s 'sleigh rides' in the school car park, by attaching a boogie board to the back of their car and driving it round the school car park.

Ho ho ho.

[igor_balis]

Barclays gave an Xmas bonus along with another one or two earlier in the year, but considering the base salary was about 17k it wasn't that exciting. Was usually a couple of quid a pop.

Also, as mentioned before ages ago, when I was about to leave the super senior big boss told me not to worry about me leaving just before Xmas, she'd make sure that I'd get my bonus, which was gonna be £1,000 cus I'd been so fucking class and then I texted her a couple of weeks later I got the lol new number who dis response

Get absolutely fuck all at place I'm about to leave cus charity and they're so shit scared of OPTICS of some guardian exposé about donation money being spent on blah blah etc etc. Christmas meal isn't paid for, no bonuses, and when I went away to the conference they put us in a budget ibis by a main road and gave us £10/day food allowance. In London. Lol.

[Baz]

My work is having a restructure so had a meeting about it today. Unsurprisingly the job I started in October is still my job and nothing has changed. Yet they still tried to big it up as a super serious important meeting.

Also started with 'we'll just discuss job titles today and not put names to any roles yet... so this is now where Natalie sits'



They have opened up 2 more steps on the payscale for me to get to though, so there was some good bits.

[Kikó]

Barclays gave an Xmas bonus along with another one or two earlier in the year, but considering the base salary was about 17k it wasn't that exciting. Was usually a couple of quid a pop.

Also, as mentioned before ages ago, when I was about to leave the super senior big boss told me not to worry about me leaving just before Xmas, she'd make sure that I'd get my bonus, which was gonna be £1,000 cus I'd been so fucking class and then I texted her a couple of weeks later I got the lol new number who dis response

Get absolutely fuck all at place I'm about to leave cus charity and they're so shit scared of OPTICS of some guardian exposé about donation money being spent on blah blah etc etc. Christmas meal isn't paid for, no bonuses, and when I went away to the conference they put us in a budget ibis by a main road and gave us £10/day food allowance. In London. Lol.

Never leave before the bonus is paid in financial services. There's a reason why there's usually a mass exodus around April.

[Offshore Toon]

I've landed a new job and I'm genuinely DELIGHTED. 65% pay increase and I'm no longer allowed to express my political opinion publicly. Dream job.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Are you the new presenter of MOTD?

[Offshore Toon]

I'm too white and too male for that.

[Baz]

I've landed a new job and I'm genuinely DELIGHTED. 65% pay increase and I'm no longer allowed to express my political opinion publicly. Dream job.

Well in.

[Bernanke]

65%

[Kikó]

Ridiculous pay jump. Well played.

[Shindig]

Frig. That's one hell of an effort.

[SvN]

What do you make of this? We had a video call with a new client earlier, and one of my account managers sent a summary email to the people in the call.

One of them just sent an email that contained this:

Thank you for the email.

We look forward to working with you and your team. However, I would appreciate it if you didn't refer to David and I as 'guys', we are both professional people.

To clarify, she started the email with "Hi guys". I'm tempted to tell him to go and swivel, but curious to see what others think.

[Baz]

Sounds like him and David (those guys) would fit right in here, the autistic bellend loser.

It's it not mega money, tell them to take their seriousness elsewhere.

[Boydy]

I thought it was going to be telling you off for using "guys" for a group of people who weren't all men when I got to the guys part.

Probably don't tell him to go and swivel if they're a client but it's fucking odd.

[Boydy]

Also, are they accountants?

[Giggles]

The very same as the pronoun cretins, tell them to lie in their piss and fuck off.

[phonics]

I was once reprimanded for using ‘Hey X’ instead of ‘Hi X’

[Giggles]

The X means they should have had their head held underwater for 45 minutes.

[Don]

Giggles is baying for some LGBTQ+ blood here.

Not a fucking clue what the guys are on about though, fucking hell, this ain't Victorian Britain.

[Boydy]

The X means they should have had their head held underwater for 45 minutes.

I think the X was just a placeholder, you mentalist.

[Giggles]

I think the X was just a placeholder, you mentalist.

These days? Are you really certain?

[Jimmy Floyd]

I wouldn't call customers 'guys' in writing, it's not very professional. That said, them kicking off about it is a bit pompous to say the least.

Customer is always right etc.

[phonics]

Giggles getting full triggered by something that’s been in place for hundreds of years.