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Thread: The little things in life that fuck you off

  1. #8951
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I haven't paid whatever it is some firm charged me for boarding up my door after the police broke it down for no reason and then refused to pay. The threatening letters stopped about three months ago.

  2. #8952
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    The police refused to pay for that? What in the actual fuck?

  3. #8953
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Yep. They (or their in-house lawyers) concluded that they had reason to believe there was danger to life, and under section whatever of the Breaking Into Your House Act, that trumps any other considerations and makes them liable for nothing.

    The fact that there was absolutely no reason to believe there was danger to life other than the bizarre imaginings of my batty neighbour doesn't enter the legal logic.

  4. #8954
    I used to be funny.
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    Cops should also be locksmiths, really.

  5. #8955
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    It’s bad enough at the best of times but currently 6 of 11 Sky Sports channels are showing the same show about George fucking Floyd

  6. #8956
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    I can only imagine the horror a week on Friday for the jubilee. It's going to be the same thing on every channel if there's any sort of official event going on. Fortunately I shall be at sea for at least some of it.

  7. #8957
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Even the sports?

  8. #8958
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    I recall the grim days of Diana dying where only football Italia rode to the rescue for some brief respite on that Sunday.

    Will there be any sport on next Friday? Maybe some cricket?

  9. #8959
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Now I know why our northy lad in work has two days off for a ‘public holiday’.

  10. #8960
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    In an effort to get fit again I bought a treadmill. Set it up all seemed to work fine until I ran on it and thought it was taking suspiciously long to run a km. Sure enough when I checked a km at 10km per hour is taking 6 minutes and 39 seconds for the first and 6 minutes 30 seconds for any subsequent ones. FFS.

  11. #8961
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niko_cee View Post
    I recall the grim days of Diana dying where only football Italia rode to the rescue for some brief respite on that Sunday.
    I have quite a clear memory of the Italian GP running at Monza with Diana stuff going on, but maybe it was the week after.

    And yeah, the Test match is on Thursday and Friday.

  12. #8962
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    How fitting it will be on Big Liz's special weekend for us to be getting spanked to death by a member of the Commonwealth.

  13. #8963
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    Week after was the funeral [although that was a Saturday] so not sure on the GP.

    Death was the last day of the summer holidays. Liverpool's first game of the season [against Newcastle?] sacked off whilst most other teams got to play their opener on the Saturday [made things worse]. Pretty sure both BBC channels and ITV were fully embracing of the nascent 24 hours news culture, with the beeb going above and beyond and running the same fucking coverage on both channels. Wiki tells me the GP was a week later. Channel 4 saved the day. Not sure 5 existed yet.

  14. #8964
    I used to be funny.
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    Nah, the GP definitely ran because I distinctly remember Damon Hill talking about how it was a bad day for the country. Unless I've Mandela's that.

  15. #8965
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yevrah View Post
    In an effort to get fit again I bought a treadmill. Set it up all seemed to work fine until I ran on it and thought it was taking suspiciously long to run a km. Sure enough when I checked a km at 10km per hour is taking 6 minutes and 39 seconds for the first and 6 minutes 30 seconds for any subsequent ones. FFS.
    Which one did you buy?

  16. #8966
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I remember the morning clear as day, my old man had been on the piss the night before, then got called into work at 5am or whatever as he was in royalty protection at the time (luckily, she'd refused their protection for a while before that, presumably so she could shag Dodi in peace, so they didn't all get fired).

    Don't remember anything after that until Elton and the funeral. All the political and Tony-related stuff passed me by even as a fairly switched on 9 year old.

  17. #8967
    Senior Member Waffdon's Avatar
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    How many bathrooms does your parents’ home have?

  18. #8968
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    An ensuite in the master bedroom and another one, so I guess that makes two.

  19. #8969
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Walking back from the Tesco by the train station with my marmalade and seeded loaf, I got that terrible realisation that I needed a shit and I might get caught short. Ran into the house, haphazardly dumped (lol) the bread and marmalade on the side, seemingly safe. As I ran into the shower room I heard the marmalade smash, then for the second time in about 3 years I literally shat all over the shower room floor. I feel like my body is capable of holding it in sufficiently to avoid the indignity of shitting my pants, but actually getting to the toilet is a step too far.

    Terrible that I didn't even get to enjoy the relaxing last couple of minutes of the poo as I could just see the first 75% on the floor. Thank Christ we don't live in an era of carpeted bathrooms and shower rooms anymore. So just spent the last fifteen minutes hoovering and dustpan and brushing the lovely marmalade I was gonna have for my supper, and literally scooping up my own poo with toilet paper and wiping the floor with cleaning product. I haven't even drank since Wednesday ffs.

  20. #8970
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    At least, unlike last time, I didn't get any on my jeans.

  21. #8971
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    You took your trousers off before you got to the toilet?

  22. #8972
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disco View Post
    You took your trousers off before you got to the toilet?
    It was like manically pulling them down as I waddled/jogged into the shower room. I didn't have time not to multitask.

  23. #8973
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    Fine cut or shredless?

  24. #8974
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    He cut it too fine clearly.

  25. #8975
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disco View Post
    Fine cut or shredless?
    Frank Cooper fine cut.

    And it was about 5 or 6 on the Bristol stool chart. 5.75

  26. #8976
    I used to be funny.
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    As I ran into the shower room I heard the marmalade smash, then for the second time in about 3 years ...
    Once is too many.

  27. #8977
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shindig View Post
    Once is too many.
    I actually had pretty bad IBS as a teenager, so sorta learned to manage it (mostly taking opportunities to shit when presented even if I wasn't desperate), but now my guts are more reliable, the occasions they do go loco I'm less prepared. It's twice now, but I've had a handful of near misses. nothing will probably top shitting in a carrier bag in my tent at womad in 2008.

  28. #8978
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by igor_balis View Post
    for the second time in about 3 years I literally shat all over the shower room floor.
    Quote Originally Posted by igor_balis View Post
    I actually had pretty bad IBS as a teenager, so sorta learned to manage it
    Yeah, sounds like you're over the worst of it.

  29. #8979
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    I am obviously old now because kids talking to their phone whilst holding it horizontally in front of them really irritates me.

  30. #8980
    I used to be funny.
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    Yeah, I hate that too. It doesn't just look stupid but must be really ineffective.

  31. #8981
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    The portmanteu in the football thread. So clunky when I read it in my head, which I'm doing constantly.

  32. #8982
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I read it as though it's about the 1978 World Cup.

  33. #8983
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    This is what happens when amateurs have a go at doing the football thread.

  34. #8984
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Today is my birthday. Opening my presents was interrupted by a car alarm going off outside. My car alarm. Cos the battery’s dead. Happy birthday! It was replaced in February but I’ve not driven it for about 3 weeks so my own daft fault, really.
    I'm a twit

  35. #8985
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    So really you got the greatest gift of all: an important reminder about car maintenance.

    Happy birthday!

  36. #8986
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    Alarm battery working perfectly too, you've come out on top here.

  37. #8987
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Best birthday ever.

  38. #8988
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Car alarms have to be one of the bottom five inventions of humanity.

  39. #8989
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Spoken like a true thief

  40. #8990
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm and thought even for a second that someone was trying to steal the car.

  41. #8991
    Pretty Much Amazing Mike's Avatar
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    I wish I had been smart enough to think of getting your car alarm to go off, a true gift for the ages that.

  42. #8992
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Disco View Post
    I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm and thought even for a second that someone was trying to steal the car.
    No I think any time I've heard one and was able to see the car it's just a car sitting with nobody nearby parping away to itself and being annoying.

  43. #8993
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Some cunt with an overly-twitchy alarm parked down our old road a few years back. They clearly didn't live anywhere near as it went off every 5 minutes all fucking night without them moving it.

    Luckily one of the local residents bricked the windscreen to ensure they couldn't move it in the morning either. Top points for making a bad situation worse, dick head.
    Last edited by Spikey M; 04-06-2022 at 06:50 PM.

  44. #8994
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Where I used to live in Dublin you used to nrealy hear one more than you didn't. Most of them are going off because people are mongs.

  45. #8995
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    "Functions" at hotels. We're currently in Southampton for a weekend at Peppa Pig World (yes, again) and staying at a Holiday Inn. There's a wedding here, so of course they've just taken over the gaff.

    The normal dinner menu is off, in favour of a buffet - no doubt the scraps from the wedding. Fine, McDonald's it is, whatever. But now all the little cunts in their adorable little suits and dresses are thundering up and down the corridor and a terrible DJ is currently clumsily cutting between Eagles and Phil Collins numbers.

    On the plus side, the blushing bride - a 40 something mother of atleast 3 with the audacity to wear white - is currently stood outside in the rain having a ciggy. Hopefully that does some damage.

    Christ I'm a miserable cunt these days.

  46. #8996
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    How many 'weekends at Peppa Pig World' before you go out for milk and never come back?

  47. #8997
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    The youngest is 3, so this will possibly be the last before he's too old for it. That said, I quite enjoy it. Poultons it's self is pretty good and the eldest can go on some of the bigger rides now, so it's not just going around in slow circles on various undersized trains and boats.

    It's just the shitty hotels that irk.

  48. #8998
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    I’ve never known a good hotel in England. It’s all either airport type cheapo job or some 6 bedroom weirdo spot where the owners live there too.

  49. #8999
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    I’ve never known a good hotel in England. It’s all either airport type cheapo job or some 6 bedroom weirdo spot where the owners live there too.
    Agreed. Center Parcs is the only exception, but it's not really a "hotel".

  50. #9000
    I used to be funny.
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    Yeah, even the fancier ones feel empty and dull.

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