When will the clubs open? Sponsored by Don

[Yevrah]

Thinking about this, it's probably one of the best measures we have to gauge when we've successfully navigated this wonderful period of our lives, as I can't think of anything that'll be kept closed longer than clubs.

Now clubs are awful, but in the spirit of competition I'm offering a prize to whoever gets closest to the date. To clarify, this date must be when all clubs in England* are allowed to open permanently and not a trial period for a select few.

*Scotland and Wales will obviously only allow this after we have and with enough of a time gap to give the impression they're better at handling their own affairs (they may well be btw, I don't care).

The prize will be a night out with Don, with £200 of 'fun tokens' in your pocket to enjoy all that goes on in these hell holes. I haven't consulted with Don about this, but I'm sure he's up for it. He likes clubs, right? Travel will need to be included in that £200, so if you live abroad, well, it's a harsh world and you can have the £200 if you make it to the club destination of Don's choosing - I'm assuming some side street in London.

Entry is free and my decision is final. Only decision really is what constitutes permanently open, but given hell may freeze over before that happens it'll hopefully be pretty clear when it does.

[Kikó]

16th April 2021.

Post Vaccine day. Kids will be dancing on the streets, grandmothers hugging their children, police and army cheered as the tanks are rolled away, the British Hamper pack air dropped into households, the Queen parading the minions and mourning the recently deceased Charles (Covid), Boris officially renaming himself Boris like a Brazilian forward, Keir Starmer ousted by Jeremy Corbyn and Taz finally getting his slooooots.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Keep them closed forever.

[Mike]

9th July 2021

[Yevrah]

Need actual dates, not months chaps.

Although Mahow has it right.

[Spikey M]

18 June 2021.

[Boydy]

1st May 2022

[Jimmy Floyd]

1 April 2024

If I win then the night out will have to be in a gentleman's club as we'll both be too old to be let in.

[Yevrah]

1 April 2024

That is brutal. In some ways, I hope to God you're wrong. Do you think we'll be fumbling around with this shit for over 4 years all told? Or do you just not want to win?

[Andy]

Monday 21st June 2021

[Ian]

Clubs are awful but they do serve the important purpose of keep people who like clubs contained within their own little hellish domain and protecting the rest of us so I hope they're all open whenever actual good places are.

[Jimmy Floyd]

That is brutal. In some ways, I hope to God you're wrong. Do you think we'll be fumbling around with this shit for over 4 years all told? Or do you just not want to win?

I think we'll be doing most things in a socially distant fashion by mid next year, but as long as people are still (rightly or wrongly) shitting themselves about it in any way, I can't see nightclubs being allowed to open - not, at least, in the sweaty, gropey way (speaking of fumbling) to which we are accustomed. There's just no way round it really.

I can see there being club nights where you can't go within a metre of anyone or whatever.

[mugbull]

Clubs with good banging music are literally the best place on Earth. But since most people are narcs, I'll say November 1, 2021

[Lewis]

I was going to say May 2022, so hopefully Boyd will share the prize and we can both go.

[Yevrah]

I think we'll be doing most things in a socially distant fashion by mid next year, but as long as people are still (rightly or wrongly) shitting themselves about it in any way, I can't see nightclubs being allowed to open - not, at least, in the sweaty, gropey way (speaking of fumbling) to which we are accustomed. There's just no way round it really.

I can see there being club nights where you can't go within a metre of anyone or whatever.

That's a good point. To clarify, my definition of open is open as they were before. Not some weird 2m apart schtuff.

[Dark Soldier]

That's a good point. To clarify, my definition of open is open as they were before. Not some weird 2m apart schtuff.

Then never.

[Magic]

They've given themselves enough power now that anything that stinks can just be attributed to corona and therefore stay shut or be shut down intermittently.

Here in Scotland they are trying to reduce excess alcohol deaths by blaming it on THE PUBS, as the minimum pricing thing didn't work.

EDIT: Never, unless there's an absolute civil war about the removal of our freedoms.

[Smjffy]

Never.

[Offshore Toon]

Monday 6th June 2022.

Chosen solely because there's a good chance I'll be back living in the UK by then.

[Kikó]

Need actual dates, not months chaps.

Although Mahow has it right.

Edited now.

[Boydy]

I was going to say May 2022, so hopefully Boyd will share the prize and we can both go.

As long as you don't order milk.

[Don]

£200 is a bit much as it might attract someone who doesn't wish to be there which is the worst kind of person. £50 to keep the maggots away.

I'll have 1st June 2021, please. Some shitty cocktail of drugs will solve it by then and by solve, I mean put an end to the news death counters and conveniently make people forget about the whole thing, revolutionising their lives yet ironically without making any tangible difference in any way whatsoever what a fucking farce.

[Baz]

When the winner pussies out, I’ll happily take his place.

[Yevrah]

£50 in Landan? Are you sure? Not wanting to question your club going credentials...

[Don]

The thinking is I put up £200 and I may attract some anxiety ridden mess who starts banging his head if he's in a room with more than 4 people that aren't his family.

[Spikey M]

The thinking is I put up £200 and I may attract some anxiety ridden mess who starts banging his head if he's in a room with more than 4 people that aren't his family.

Is that your way of also guessing 1st May 2022?

[Disco]

I'd happily pay £200 never to have to go a nightclub again.

[Offshore Toon]

I'd pay £200 to send Mahow into FOLD with a go pro strapped to his head and handcuffed to Taz.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Nightclubs are one of those things where I absolutely hate them, but I sometimes end up in them anyway and can absolutely see the attraction to people who have maybe the diametric opposite of my temperament. If the #OpenTheClubs campaign needs a cheap lawyer I'm available.

[Boydy]

Is that your way of also guessing 1st May 2022?

Fuck you.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

The thinking is I put up £200 and I may attract some anxiety ridden mess who starts banging his head if he's in a room with more than 4 people that aren't his family.

Don't worry, I wouldn't come.

[Magic]

[Shindig]

June 1st 2021. One day after Taz succumbs to a Long Covid influenced heart attack.

[Manc]

July 4th 2021.

[Lofty]

23rd April 2021.

[Giggles]

16th April 2022.

[Dave.]

8th June 2021. For no reason other than that its my birthday.

[Offshore Toon]

Monday 21st June 2021

Ding ding ding.

They almost certainly won't be "permanently" open, though, so will this carry on to 2022, Yev?

[Yevrah]

It'll have to I feel.

[Don]

Why won't they be permanently open?

[niko_cee]

I assumed he meant that in the sense of them being open 24/7.

They are open here now mate, and from the end of the next month you might even be allowed in without having to go through some sort of Pacific Solution style processing. No promises though.