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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #2551
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Lol my Dec 23rd pay packet comes with a 11K commission.

  2. #2552
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic View Post
    Lol my Dec 23rd pay packet comes with a 11K commission.
    5.5k.

  3. #2553
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Yes after tax it may be even less.

  4. #2554
    I used to be funny.
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    This spending freeze is taking the piss now. "Guys, we can't spend frivolously on the bags we need for deliveries. By the way, there's money in the rewards kitty to spend and there's a Christmas event coming up! Oh, we shut the canteen because it wasn't viable but here's a sandwich van!"

  5. #2555
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    I escaped Barrow to live my own professional dream of sitting on my arse in a office in Manchester, no more shift work, massive flexibility and no weekends. It's a spreadsheet marathon but better than speaking to the general public.

  6. #2556
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Barrow's loss is the Pacer train's gain.

  7. #2557
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    There’s so much angel delight offshore. It’s fucking brilliant.

  8. #2558
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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  9. #2559
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    Butterscotch or gtfo.

  10. #2560
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Lofty

  11. #2561
    Fuck like you cook.
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    I'm currently bracing myself for a month of hell. Christmas parties.

  12. #2562
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    Barrow's loss is the Pacer train's gain.
    People slate the pacers but their reliability is top notch, it's just the comfort that is lacking. Although if you've ever sat across from a bustier passenger on one you soon appreciate the merits.

  13. #2563
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Yeah, you get people moaning like fuck about them every week on the local news back home, as if their twenty minutes from Doncaster to Wankton justifies doubling ticket prices for a fleet of new toys.

  14. #2564
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Someone in the office has decided to start eating oranges all the time. It smells fucking rank.

  15. #2565
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Oranges smell nice.

    Oh and I bet they’re not oranges.
    I'm a twit

  16. #2566
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Clementines, Oranges. Shame foul smelling shite.

  17. #2567
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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  18. #2568
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    [CAPS]Who the fuck doesn't like the smell of oranges?! God I hate this fucking guy![/CAPS]

  19. #2569
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    Got bumped from my helicopter today so stuck offshore another night.

    Platform went into meltdown in that time also. Nightmare.

  20. #2570
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    People who fuckin whistle should be drug out into the street and shot with several nerf guns.

  21. #2571
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    I'm sorry, how should they be taken to the street?

  22. #2572
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Under a heavy dose of Lemsip.

  23. #2573
    Pretty Much Amazing Mike's Avatar
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  24. #2574
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    This reminds me of the time I thought "warsh" was a word because my country ass family used to say they were going to "warsh" the dishes and "warsh" the clothes and "warsh" the car.

  25. #2575
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Are your country ass family hostile Scots?

  26. #2576
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Just picked up the post at work. Two envelopes were identical and both had been redirected from some mail place - the original envelopes they'd been sent in were inside and they'd been intended for two of the top-boys. Anyway, someone had scrawled the name of my department on them, hence me getting them. They contained about 20 pages of printed "questionable" tweets (about 3 per page) of someone I work with quite a lot, who is quite high up.

    I've just given them to the director.
    I'm a twit

  27. #2577
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Writing that as if you weren't the source, gutsy.

  28. #2578
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    Grats on your promotion.

  29. #2579
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    Baz really thrives off being the office snitch and it's kinda disgusting.

  30. #2580
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Knowledge is power tbf.

  31. #2581
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    So either Baz is the one who is stitching up his co-worker or everyone in the office knows for a fact Baz will go straight to the feds and has "accidentally" sent it to him as to not have a paper trail back to them.

    In both scenario Baz is more than excited to comply.

    Is this all because you didn't get the chair you wanted or have you always been this way?

  32. #2582
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    This is the content for my PRESENTATION to the sales team on Wed:

    1) Tag team presentation by IAM and BDM [both must play a part]
    2) Mandatory Info
    a) Performance Last Month
    i) Number of Hosted Seats
    ii) Number of Ethernet
    iii) Track both of these against your forecast for that month
    b) Performance to target FY to date for both Hosted and Ethernet
    c) Your Conversion Rate FY to date
    d) Forecast for the Rolling 3 months
    i) Seats forecast in current month and for the rolling 3 months [show forecast for each of the 3 months]
    ii) Ethernet forecast in current month and for the rolling 3 months [show forecast for each of the 3 months]
    e) Partner Performance
    i) FY to date Hosted Seats Won by Partner
    ii) FY to date Ethernet Won by Partner
    iii) FY to date Opportunities per Partner
    3) Bonus Info
    a) Performance
    i) One off and Recurring Revenues for each month of FY to date
    ii) Total One off and Recurring Revenues for FY to date
    iii) Lost Seats and Ethernet opportunities last month
    iv) Total qty of lost seats and Lost Ethernet FY to date
    b) Partner
    i) FY to date Opportunities won / lost / open by Partner
    ii) FY to date Total One Off revenues by Partner
    iii) FY to date Total Recurring revenues by Partner

    PMSL. Surely all of this should be at hand in a proper sales platform? Fucking shite our systems are.

  33. #2583
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    That sounds absolutely dreadful.

  34. #2584
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic View Post
    This is the content for my PRESENTATION to the sales team on Wed:

    1) Tag team presentation by IAM and BDM [both must play a part]
    2) Mandatory Info
    a) Performance Last Month
    i) Number of Hosted Seats
    ii) Number of Ethernet
    iii) Track both of these against your forecast for that month
    b) Performance to target FY to date for both Hosted and Ethernet
    c) Your Conversion Rate FY to date
    d) Forecast for the Rolling 3 months
    i) Seats forecast in current month and for the rolling 3 months [show forecast for each of the 3 months]
    ii) Ethernet forecast in current month and for the rolling 3 months [show forecast for each of the 3 months]
    e) Partner Performance
    i) FY to date Hosted Seats Won by Partner
    ii) FY to date Ethernet Won by Partner
    iii) FY to date Opportunities per Partner
    3) Bonus Info
    a) Performance
    i) One off and Recurring Revenues for each month of FY to date
    ii) Total One off and Recurring Revenues for FY to date
    iii) Lost Seats and Ethernet opportunities last month
    iv) Total qty of lost seats and Lost Ethernet FY to date
    b) Partner
    i) FY to date Opportunities won / lost / open by Partner
    ii) FY to date Total One Off revenues by Partner
    iii) FY to date Total Recurring revenues by Partner

    PMSL. Surely all of this should be at hand in a proper sales platform? Fucking shite our systems are.
    Stay strong when you get to 'E'.

  35. #2585
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    Luckily I think he already has a powerpoint template for that if i recall.

  36. #2586
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bruhnaldo View Post
    So either Baz is the one who is stitching up his co-worker or everyone in the office knows for a fact Baz will go straight to the feds and has "accidentally" sent it to him as to not have a paper trail back to them.

    In both scenario Baz is more than excited to comply.

    Is this all because you didn't get the chair you wanted or have you always been this way?


    I hate my desk soooo much it’s not even funny. Literally ever other desk is better positioned.
    I'm a twit

  37. #2587
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    Do you not stop and think MAN... there MUST be a reason I was given the worst possible desk possible... despite the fact I wrote a very specific seating plan !

  38. #2588
    Senior Member Offshore Toon's Avatar
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    If Baz is anything like I think he is, he'd be great to work with. Nothing passes the time like chatting shit. Plus, he'd do most of the talking so you'd never get called up for it.

  39. #2589
    Fuck like you cook.
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    A more socially accepted version of Gareth from The Office is how I imagine Baz in work.

  40. #2590
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Got a promotion. Woo.

  41. #2591
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    Hell ya phonics.

  42. #2592
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Can I borrow a tenner?

  43. #2593
    Fuck like you cook.
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    I got sent home today for calling out the sous chef. In the politest manner possible I simply told him that if he's going to be a dickhead then just shut the fuck up and cook some food. He decided to throw his toys out the pram and ensure it was a difficult service then boss texts me telling me to take evening off.

    Man City match it is.

  44. #2594
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Was "shut the fuck up and cook some food" how you phrased it to him or the paraphrased version you're telling us? Just in case you need clarification for the future of what "politest possible manner" means.

    Quote Originally Posted by bruhnaldo View Post
    Is this all because you didn't get the chair you wanted or have you always been this way?

  45. #2595
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ian View Post
    Was "shut the fuck up and cook some food" how you phrased it to him or the paraphrased version you're telling us? Just in case you need clarification for the future of what "politest possible manner" means.



    Word for word tbh. I'm not even sure what actually happened. I covered a shift last night as someone had to go home and at some point he mentioned how I was pissing him off, at first I thought he was joking but then I realised he was being serious so I just kept quiet for remainder of the shift. This morning he completely blanked me then started throwing petty preppy shit at me, I didn't bite, I merely peeled and scored a shit load of sprouts and cracked on.

    Then he carried on. And on. And on. So I told him to if he wants to be a dickhead then to shut the fuck up and just cook some food. We actually get on better than any other pairing in the kitchen so I'm a little bewildered to be honest but fuck it.


  46. #2596
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    On the lookout for a new job. Even looked through an advert for a private school earlier, but I'm not quite desperate enough to compromise my ideals just yet.

  47. #2597
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Imagine the little cretins in one of those. And the parents

  48. #2598
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    Fuck private schools.

  49. #2599
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Having been through one, I'm pretty sure private school teaching is a one way ticket to acceptably-paid misery. There always seemed to be something, you know, wrong with them all.

    The best ones were the handful of serious academic sorts who were probably a bit better than school level, had other things in their lives, and didn't give a fuck.

  50. #2600
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    As opposed to poorly paid misery in the public sector.

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