Just came across a list of r/soccers best headlines throughout the years, and it has some real gems:
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• Roma fans greet players with 50kg of carrots at a training session for being shite.
• South African Tokyo Sexwale to stand for Fifa presidency
• Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez victim of magic as Peru fans curse him with tortoise
• Are there good white soccer players?
• Asamoah Gyan holding press conference to deny he used rapper as human sacrifice
• Would there be a big controversy if hypothetically 11vs11 balls started to play with one human?
• Bacca mother: i would hit neymar wit shoe
• Shaqiri: "One time I was injured at Inter and Mancini sent me to a miraculous healer in the mountains. Didn't help me at all. At Stoke we've got seven physios."
• Hernanes on celebrating after scoring against his old club- "It was the saddest backflip of my career"
• Dele Adebola: I do not have Ebola
• Steven Naismith playing with Daryl Janmaats penis
• Zlatan apologizes for calling France a shit country
• Monchi (Sevilla FC) : "We have made a mistake by selling Coke"
• Neymar father orgy barcelona
• Rolando Wins Ballon d'Or 2014
• David Moyes reveals that Shinji Kagawa had to have his stomach pumped after eating too much food
• "Balotelli is very nice, but he used to pee on our boots" - Kerlon
• I am not Hazard's mother - Guus Hiddink
• Buddhist monks behind Leicester City incredible start, claims Vardy
• Marco Pappa of the Colorado Rapids allegedly stabbed by Miss Washington USA last month
• Ronaldo: I miss the big cute bear Ancelotti
• Tottenham’s Mauricio Pochettino: Dele Alli will learn if treated as naughty son
• Lasagna scores an injury time goal that will be hard to digest for Inter fans (Inter-Carpi 1-1)
• Benitez sacking not announced yet because the area for press conference is occupied for a kids party
• Pep: "We have options in defense - Badstuber, Neuer or sweet, sweet boy Kimmich"
• Dearth of left back
• Michail Antonio is no Homer Simpson, says West Ham boss Slaven Bilic
• Russian top cop: gay pride parades have made French police weak and unprepared for mighty, manly Russian hooligans
• Russian MP: "I don't see anything bad in the fans fighting. Quite the opposite: well done our lads!"
• Daniel Sturridge admits to spraying fragrance on kit before games and enjoying smelling of strawberries
• Slaven Bilic on Big Sam: "The players will respect him. He’s a big man. He’s Big Sam. You see him on the television, he fills the screen. You are looking for the board with the sponsors names behind. Where have they gone? You can’t see them."
• How 2 be SPEEDER like jordi alba theo walcutt mathis bolly gervinhoe oxlad bellarin
• PSG's stambouli making decision about Popsicle move soon.
• Victor Wanyama confirmed his move to Spurs while speaking to inmates at Kamiti Maximum Prison in Kenya.
• Tokelo Rantie dropped from South Africa national team for farting at the coach: "The flatulence was so suffocating that the putrid stench continues to hover over the team like a dark cloud."
• Liverpool defender Ragnar Klavan: 'Jurgen Klopp sent me a selfie to prove it was really him'
• Harry Redknapp says he wants to sign Benoit Assou-Ekotto for Birmingham City, but the player wishes to be a pornstar.
• Shkodran Mustafi: ""I have spoken with Mesut, he told me everything. It was all very positive and I was quickly convinced, because I find the club horny"
• Leroy Fer on accidentally buying a €30,000 horse: "Sh*t I've got a horse"
• Mino Raiola on Twitter: DONNARAIOLA x HATERS 1-0 What's next?
• Gianluigi Donnarumma: "The fans throwing dollars at me? I didn't realise they were dollars, I only noticed later. It all didn't affect me much though, because I'm focused on the Euros."
• Porto claim they've access to emails which confirm Benfica spent €70k on witchcraft last season to help them win the Liga
• Mike Ashley: "I am not Obi Wan Kenobi in charge of the Death Star"
• Sven: 'Why can I not have more than one woman at once?'
• Rangers legend Paul Gascoigne claims he used to touch Les Ferdinand's penis before England games
• Gabriel Jesus was surprised how different was fart in the Premier League, says that there is one player in Manchester City that likes to show his naked ass to the other players and Kevin de Bruyne is the most playful, Kevin de Bruyne loves to say "Porra, caralho"
• 50,000 Chile fans set to protest against Alexis Sanchez's girlfriend amid 'fatter than normal' claims
• Darius Vassell: ‘I felt as if the goat looked at me just before it was sacrificed’
• Neil Warnock on Asensio's injury: "I hardly have hairs anywhere. My daughter can’t believe how smooth I am."
• Isaac Success was arrested following the Southampton game after an argument with four prostitutes in a hotel. He refused to pay them as he could not get it up after drinking two bottles of Baileys
• Dick Advocaat (Dutch NT coach) last week: "Sweden won't win 8-0 against Luxembourg". At the moment, Sweden is leading 8-0 against Luxembourg
• Theo Hernandez in controversy after celebrating his 20th birthday held at gunpoint by dwarves in Real Madrid kits
• Aubameyang blames 'cursed orange juice' for Gabon's World Cup qualification failure
• New Bayern coach Heynckes at press conference: "My daughter and my wife advised me on my decision. Then my dog Cando barked twice and the deal was sealed."
• Marx Lenin scores with a top-class shot to the left of the goalkeeper
• Duesseldorf keeper: I saved the ball with my penis
• Lukaku looking at 3-match ban over Bong hits
• Former Nigeria assistant coach Joe Erico's response to being sacked in 2002: "I went back home, stripped naked and put a hex on Nigeria football". Since then, almost every head of the Nigerian FA has faced corruption charges and two national team managers have died prematurely
• Gianluigi Buffon: “A few days ago, showering with my friend Dani Alves, he looked at me and said: ‘Gigi, when I look at you, I am jealous of your World Cup win, I would give you my 3 Champions League victories for it.’”
• Patrice Evra: I went too far when I sucked the toes of the chicken
• Roberto Martinez: “Eden’s ass is his center of gravity. He can use it to get out of one-on-one situations”
Shaqiri one is probably my favourite.