The All New Jobs Thread

[Baz]

I'm doing some "writing for the web" e-learning module for work and it's making me question my entire posting history.

One to ten, 11 upwards, 11 to 20 etc , for example:
‘You have the choice of two appointment times’
‘We have 14 Customer Service lines’
‘We can see groups of no fewer than 4 and no more than 12 people’ or
'We can see groups of no fewer than four and no more than 12 people' - remain consistent

I'd write twenty-six, not 26, cos it's a sentence not a calculation. Wrong, apparently.

Also:

9:00am, 5:30pm - Always use the 12 hour clock and add am and/or pm

Ney. 14:40 is just as clear as 2:40pm. And why's it pm and not PM? F you!

[Danny]

That last one makes it sound like it’s directed at an American audience. The amount of people that have asked “why do you use military time?” When seeing my phone screen astounds me.

[Spikey M]

I had to do a e-learning module on diversity a while back. It featured a question asking if Kim Joy Xin's manager was being inappropriate when he asked her to make some Crispy Duck for the team.

I lol'd for about 5 minutes.

[Spikey M]

That last one makes it sound like it’s directed at an American audience. The amount of people that have asked “why do you use military time?” When seeing my phone screen astounds me.

Thank you for your service.

[Lewis]

I had to do a e-learning module on diversity a while back. It featured a question asking if Kim Joy Xin's manager was being inappropriate when he asked her to make some Crispy Duck for the team.

I lol'd for about 5 minutes.

I have been skipping the slideshows on those and passing the exams by just answering them like a complete whopper would.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

As part of the interview process, you will be asked to make a presentation. The presentation should last no longer than 5 minutes and can be in any format that you feel appropriate (hard copy document, PowerPoint presentation. A projector and laptop will be made available. An electronic copy must be sent by 20.11.2018 This will be followed by some questions from the interviewing panel.

Presentation:

Why is data quality important to adult social care and how could you improve it?

For fucks sake.

[SvN]

Please livestream your presentation.

[John]

It'd be like one of those time-lapse videos of a snowman melting.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Please livestream your presentation.

I'm actually alright at presentations (I've had to do quite a few tbh and always gotten good feedback), can't be fucked with this subject matter though.

I just wanted a piss easy, but boring data entry job where I could just focus on the work and not have to bother with bullshit.

[Lewis]

I feel like 'any format that you feel appropriate' offers a world of possibilities.

*unfolds a battered, sweat-soaked piece of paper from his pocket*
'I'm the da... Data inputter and I'm here today
To improve adult care 'cros... ACross, sorry. No. Wait. Adult care 'cross the U...'
'.....'
'U-fucking-K.'
'.....'
*slowly backs out of the room*

[Baz]

I am bad at presentations. But I think thats cos I’ve never done a presentation in my life where I’ve cared about the subject matter.

So yeah good luck.

[Ian]

in any format that you feel appropriate

Interpretive dance it is!

[SvN]

I'm okay at them 95% of the time. But every now and then, I'll start a sentence and have no idea where it's going. This will lead to me rambling incoherently for about 30 seconds before I try and bring it back around. I can't seem to completely knock it on the head.

[Shindig]

I just wanted a piss easy, but boring data entry job where I could just focus on the work and not have to bother with bullshit.

Sorry, mate. That sector's full.

[Magic]

MAN on fire these past few days. Top of the board so far this month.

[Offshore Toon]

I have been skipping the slideshows on those and passing the exams by just answering them like a complete whopper would.

Yeah, there are always enough clues in the questions and answers to pass the exams without reading anything. It's all such a load of bollocks.

[Spikey M]

Why would you skip an hour long doss?

[igor_balis]

Most of our internal training is listed as being 30-45 minutes and can be skipped through in about 5, and generally you can pass the tests by just quickly skim reading the answers, or even picking the answer which is biggest if it's much bigger than the other ones. All my colleagues are pretty articulate and smart in the context of just chatting bollocks (except the one who exclaimed "WHY WOULD YOU NAME A KID AFTER A CONTINENT IN GREECE", when it was revealed our colleague's girlfriend's son was called Aphrodite which has so much to unpick) but you can see why they weren't particularly accomplished academically when they end up having to retake half the tests 5 times.

I considered that they were donning me and deliberately failing to avoid doing proper work, but I saw my TOTALLY NOT STUPID mate doing a question that was pretty much like "a man comes into the bank and asks for an overdraft, do you A have a shit B order a pizza C check if he's eligible for one then sit him down with an adviser if he is or D call him a cunt and tell him to fuck off" and she was like WHAT IS IT IGOR? THIS IS REALLY DIFFICULT! I think some people's brains must just malfunction when stuff is presented as an exam or something.

[Ian]

There are definitely people at work who would ask me to confirm a question like that for them.

"It says here I have to [do thing] next... so do I [do previously specified thing]???"

Yes, fuck off.

[Magic]

Lol Gamma having a UK wide outage today has been fun.

[Jimmy Floyd]

The new twat has been loudly explaining the difference between banana and banoffee for the last 5 minutes. Really want to shove a camshaft up his arse. I think he's the most high maintenance individual I've ever come across. Constant need for fucking attention. Just do your work ffs.

[Baz]

Sign him up.

[Jimmy Floyd]

He makes you seem like Keith from The Office.

[Shindig]

(except the one who exclaimed "WHY WOULD YOU NAME A KID AFTER A CONTINENT IN GREECE", when it was revealed our colleague's girlfriend's son was called Aphrodite which has so much to unpick)

Aye, I mean ... that's ... not even the right gender. To link this back to Jimmy's fun tractor times, we were recently invited to a preview event for Farming Simulator 19. We can never make these things usually due to actual day jobs but I want to get one stupid preview event under my belt before the industry sees sense and stops bothering.

[igor_balis]

Aye, I mean ... that's ... not even the right gender. To link this back to Jimmy's fun tractor times, we were recently invited to a preview event for Farming Simulator 19. We can never make these things usually due to actual day jobs but I want to get one stupid preview event under my belt before the industry sees sense and stops bothering.

oh fuck it was artistotle, oops. at least someone is actually reading my shit posts

[Pepe]

[Ian]

A guy at work had previously been spotted going into the disabled loo with his phone and a tub of something or other after turning the light OFF. Today j spotted him doing the same with his phone and a box of screen wipes.

[Spikey M]

Why wouldn't you take your phone with you?

And, if having a shawshank, why not just use toilet roll?

[Pepe]

Maybe he just wants to keep his phone clean.

[Ian]

Why not use the toilet roll and keep the light on?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Toilet roll leaves fluff on the phone.

[SvN]

Big scare this past month that our biggest client was going to no longer need our services, due to outside factors. Had word today that we're probably 95% okay, but it's been an awful few weeks while I try and scramble together some sort of plan if it goes tits up. We'd be talking redundancies, dividends being cancelled and bonuses scrapped. Made me realise how vulnerable we are as a company, and it's made me completely change my priorities and focus for the next year.

[Magic]

Pulled in over 4k pretax this month.

[Pepe]

Severance?

[Spikey M]

Who looks at their pre-tax income?

[Magic]

£1,548.89

Paid in tax.

[SvN]

It'll be even less once the child support payments start.

[phonics]

They've started selling Red Bull in the vending machine downstairs at work. It's literally twice the price of the shop that's a 10 minute round trip, but it is cold so I think I'm going to take the financial hit.

Also accidentally printed off my Twitter mentions instead of the PDF I was meant to, earlier.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Red Bull tastes like piss.

[SvN]

If your piss tastes like Red Bull then you need to take a serious look at your diet.

[Magic]

SvN will love this, the self-righteous cunt.

No big investments for the rest of the FY (so no company car renewals).

Then we get the news the head of sales has been sacked. LOL.

Finally some good news.

[Panda Bear]

Please look for a new job.

[Magic]

Yeah I know, however now that fuckwit is gone I feel so much more optimistic about my future.

[Boydy]

You could be the new head of sales.

[Magic]

Absolutely not!

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Assistant to the regional manager would suit him.

[Boydy]

Met someone from a start-up the other day about a job. Meant to have an interview tomorrow. When I was emailing him after our initial meeting to confirm the interview, I asked what the salary was. He won't disclose it and just said 'dependant on experience and we'll discuss it on Friday'. I hate this shit. Just fucking be up front about it. Not sure I can be arsed with the interview at all now.

[phonics]

It's a trick to use what you don't know against you. Do they already have VC funding? If they do, ask for something ridiculous and see how they respond.

[SvN]

Yeah, not disclosing even a salary range is such a red flag.

Magic, in all seriousness, I do hope you're properly job hunting, because your company is going to collapse at some point. Might be in a month or might be in 2 years, but it looks doomed from what you've said.

[phonics]

Enjoy dealing with them Boydy. I had to start refusing to work with anyone who even introduced their idea as a startup. Every one of them could be from clientsfromhell.com

Huge expectations, no budget and a high opinion of the smell of their own farts. Just the worst people.