TTH: Survivor Redux
This was originally posted by DarkSoldier, a user who is missing, presumed to have gotten a life. It was a little before my time, but still provded me a solid hour of amusement reading the thread. It would be sad to see it dissapear, so I've brought it back to be archived. So, enough of my rambing, and onto the rambling of someone far more interesting than myself.

- ItalAussie

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TTH Big Royale Survivor – Eviction, Death and Insanity…Redux.


It was March 2003. TTH had hit an all-time slump. Everyone sat bored, laughing at fuckwits and wondering who the weird n00b German was. Shit happens. Then there was a decision…how about a TTH reality show? This idea obviously came from DS’s mind, as he wrote the fucking thing. Here:


TTH. 2003. Reality show. Here are the vote results:


1st: Oimoi 961 votes
2nd: [SG] 923 votes
3rd: Fry 874 votes
4th: D_D 822 votes
5th: Brighton 809 votes
6th: Henry 763 votes
7th: BeckhamFC9 714 votes
8th: DC 702 votes
9th: LDNT 682 votes
10th: Poplexter 637 votes


The vote for the ten to be parachuted in after the first week:

1st: Mr Bismarck 602 votes
2nd: Hornet 533 votes
3rd: Hextor 529 votes
4th: Meej 482 votes
5th: Ginner 455 votes
6th: Challenger 421 votes
7th: R_A_T_M 393 votes
8th : Narcizo 361 votes
9th: R1 322 votes
10th: Sudden Death 286 votes

Oimoi, being the surprising first choice, seemed happy in his after vote speech: ’Quite.’. Others seemed more neglected, with this comment from Brighton: ’I didn’t know what’s going on? Am I being stranded on island, yes? Please, I want to stay, please, the children…’ Conclusive, no doubt. The other’s just seemed ecstatic that they would be finally taken away from the cesspool that is life, kind of.

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The show was set, the contestants ready. It would take place on a smile island just short of Jamaica, untouched and tropical. Ciphers would circle the island, camera mounted, so every move and experience could be detected. The contestants would fly out on Friday 28th of May, so as to coincide with the launch of the CM4. Below you will find character profiles for each contestant:
The First Ten.

Oimoi:

Unstable, deranged, insane, incomprehensible, hunchbacked…these are just some of the superlatives used for this character. Sure to cause some friction and plenty of action, is the odds on favourite to win, due to the fact everyone will probably be too scared to vote him off. Odds: 1/3 on to win, 200/1 to be voted off


[SG]

Intelligent, petulant, with fine usage of the word cunt. Possibly slightly unstable, sure to make nine enemies and no friends. Will try to communicate at times, will probably end up criminally insane. Odds: 16/1 to win, 80/1 to be voted off


Fry

Emotionally and physically fucked, caused in the aftermath of the whole Drugs saga, probably won’t last long. Will maybe cry a lot, could be good at climbing trees. Odds: 100/1 to win, 10/1 to be voted off


D_D:

Psychotic overload. Will steal all his supplies from Tesco before arriving on the island. Forced to come out of his shell, will miss the comforts of autism. Cactus dick could prove handy. His girlfriend left him. HA! Odds: 10/1 to win, 90/1 to be voted off


Brighton

Incomprehensible, boring, simple, possibly gay. Will probably be of comedic relief, or will cook the entire time he’s there. Shirts will be missed, as will the incestuous family. Odds: 50000/1 to win, 1/10 on to be voted off


Henry:

Irish, arrogant, intelligent, deadpan humour(in the sense he has none). Communication his strong key, impeccable at mind games. Odds: 8/1 to win, 100/1 to be voted off


BeckhamFC9:

Has nothing much to add to the show, except the delights of not talking about Fight Club and discussing the ‘finer’ points of Liverpool FC. Will probably try to ban someone before the first day is over. Odds: 40/1 to win, 40/1 to be voted off


DC:

Seems to have been around forever. Knows a lot about a lot, although it probably isn’t true. Will sleep easy, has a strong enemy in Henry. His passion for the finer things in life will have to end. Odds: 3/1 to win, 125/1 to be voted off.


LDNT:

One of the older members. Part of The Three Stooges, will struggle to understand what’s going on. Will miss home comforts, especially that open fire. Odds: 50/1 to win, 30/1 to be voted off


Poplexter:

Gone soft in his older age, now calls himself PopWexter. Puff. Not allowed his sleep tablets, will end up insane within the week. He and Oimoi will get on magnificently. Odds: 25/1 to win, 50/1 to be voted off

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The Ten Parachutists.

Mr Bismarck:

Due to confusion by one Mr. Dark Souljah, the wrong person will probably be sent to the island. Never the less, scored the winner for GR vs. TTH. Will still be on a high as nothing much happens in middle age. Odds: 14/1


Hornet:

Known by many to have been the greatest thing on The Dugout, came out of retirement(again) for this event. Will startle all with immense ugliness, his personality will get him through. Odds: 5/1


Hextor:

Brand new German. Likes pictures, hates most things. Hitlers long lost son, and buyer of nice white German chocolate. Odds: 30/1


Meej:

Another oldie, his arthritic problems will cause him difficulty. His Gazebo, no doubt, will miss him, especially the way he licks beer from the windows. Cabbage patch kid. Arshcandles, Spaiad. Odds: 60/1


Ginner:

Once loved, then wandered off. Came back. Then gone. Now back occasionally. Good for him. Odds: 125/1


Challenger:

Hair now cut, looks like a hooligan. Once had the majestic flair of a chess playing Del Piero, now resigned to imitating Ray Winstone in Scum. In more ways than one… Odds: 75/1


R_A_T_M:

Surreal, backward hobo, will enjoy his time there. Marlon Harewood will miss him, and vice-versa, Miss. Stuck in a fucking Aussie bewilderment. Odds: 150/1


Narcizo:

Doubtful his ageing legs will take the pressure on impact from parachuting in, will no doubt get stuck in a tree on the way down. Swedish, which makes him lukewarm, like elephant’s piss. Sarcastic clever *bleh* thing. Odds: 400/1


R1:

Too stoned to care, really. Will sleep 23 hours a day, eat bananas and think he’s in Havana. Dancing with turtles and monkeys, his speciality is hijacking and his ability to feel no pain enhances his chances. Odds: 200/1


Sudden Death:

Name tries to strike fear into the hearts of many, instead makes him sound 13. Similar to Ginner in that not much is known, will try his hardest to make a name for himself. Favourite outsider. Odds: 50/1

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The 28th soon arrived, and the contestants were ready. They all met at Manchester airport, and were blindfolded. D_D, being used to this, was instantly aroused and pounced on DCs leg, humping away. Like a rabid dog he was foaming at the mouth, and had to be prized away with the offer of a Bounty. Mark led the contestants, chain-linked, to a private jet, and they were seated in luxury and darkness. This was to be their last contact with ‘civilized’(ha!) life. Everybody was seated in separate rows, so contact between each other couldn’t’ be made. Oimoi wasn’t happy, his overgrown fingernails ripping at Mark’s face. Force was needed, and Oimoi was restrained, Hannibal Lecter style. During the flight, each contestant was given a shot of whisky, laced with tranquilizer’s to knock them out….
Henry was the first to wake, his eyes sore as the sun hit his sight. He sat up, groggy and dazed, and tried to take in his surroundings. He was on a beach, so elegant and beautiful, the sea before him lashing at the shore. The sun reflected off the sea, creating a sight of spectacular beauty, rainbow’s seeming to dart off the water’s surface. Turning round, he could see 3 wood huts, behind that what seemed miles upon miles of forest. All this scene needed was Ursula Andress to appear from the sea in that little white bikini…All around him lay the bodies of the other nine contestants, and, after getting to his feet, he strode over to Fry, shaking him awake. The other’s soon followed. A slight buzzing noise could be heard…Henry looked up, and there was a cipher, camera focused on him. The cipher was white, quite small and had a machine gun mounted on the bottom. Henry knew this was serious.

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Once all the contestants had regained consciousness and figured out their surroundings, a cipher flew overhead and dropped a screen down over the front of it. The screen fuzzed, then the familiar face of Mark appeared on the screen. ’Men, you are on the island, the competition has begun. The three huts located behind you each have three beds. There are ten of you, but nine beds. Two of you can share, or one of you will be forced to make their own shelter. You have no supplies, no possessions except your clothes, and most of you have no sanity. Go forth, prosper, and impress. Until next Thursday, good luck!’ drawled Mark. Everyone stood speechless, why the hell had they agreed to this? They all turned, looking at each other, eye’s meeting, brains engaging…..Nine Beds!!! Shit!!! They all realised, and charged to the huts, scrambling for comfort and warmth. All except Oimoi, who was on the beach, digging with his bare hands for no apparent reason. The accommodation was arranged as thus:
Hut 1:

[SG], Poplexter, LDNT.


Hut 2:

DC, D_D, Brighton.


Hut 3:

Henry, BeckhamFC9, Fry.


Oimoi, after finishing digging his, ahem, hole, ran towards a cave, sniffing like a madman, then collected logs, twigs, branches and leaves and created his own hut. Already wearing just his boxers, you could see he had a natural ability for being a fuckwit.