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Thread: U.S. Presidential Election 2016 (Sponsored by Betty Croker's Hamburger Helper)

  1. #8601
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I'm just looking down the wikipedia list of declared democrats, it really is a wonderful world of discovery.

    Michael Bennet - presumably with the spelling fancies himself as a bored dad looking Jed Bartlet. Can't see any other reason why anyone would vote for him
    Joe Biden - at the end of two terms he would be 86, him and Jeremy Corbyn can have a special relationship bond comparing colostomy bags
    Cory Booker - looks like a bald Herman Munster. I'm guessing he's the token black guy.
    Steve Bullock - you can't have a President named after a type of cattle. Governor of Montana. Does Montana even need governing?
    Pete Buttigieg - didn't this guy have his own mania a while back? Fuck knows why, he looks like someone that got rogered in high school showers. Also, Mayor of South Bend, Indiana? Really?
    Julian Castro - you really think swing voters are ready to vote for someone with an accent on his name who looks like Manny Calavera? Think again
    Bill de Blasio - I've heard of this guy, which in the current climate means he definitely has no chance.
    John Delaney - it's reassuring to know that there is still plenty of leprechaun blood at the top of US politics, if being the rep from Maryland 6 is indeed the top
    Tulsi Gabbard - has the right balance between being ethnic enough for East Coast liberals to patronise her, and white-looking enough for sad men to fancy her. Still, she's 38, so lol.
    Kirsten Gillibrand - presumably just been spat out of the same centre left bollocks leader candidate machine that produced Ed Miliband
    Mike Gravel - seriously?
    Kamala Harris - ah, now here's the real token black, and also a woman. I think you can maybe get elected as one of those things in America (though it's in increasing doubt), but not both. Sorry.
    John Hickenlooper - we're not even halfway through the alphabet yet, christ. Has been Mayor or Governor of Colorado for almost 20 years, so presumably high as a kite to think he can win the presidency with a name like that.
    Jay Inslee - his logo says 'Inslee: Our Moment'. I doubt that.
    Amy Klobuchar - who even are these people?
    Wayne Messam - ah, this is the proper token black. Can any old twat declare for this or do you have to have certain backing?
    Seth Moulton - Trump will be running scared of a centrist dad looking bloke called Seth Moulton.
    Beto O'Rourke - I've heard this name a lot without really knowing who it is. Now I've found out who it is, it turns out he's a limp useless fucking twat. Oh well.
    Tim Ryan - from looking at him I'm just going to assume he's Paul Ryan's Democrat twin.
    Bernie Sanders - ....

    I'm not going past there. I've seen enough. Congratulations Donald Trump.

  2. #8602
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    I also like how the Fake News Media has suddenly found a load of shit on Biden's past that was seemingly beyond their investigative skills for all those years.

  3. #8603
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    Liz Warren is talking the big talk that all the Dems should. Shame about not being Native

  4. #8604
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    I'm just looking down the wikipedia list of declared democrats, it really is a wonderful world of discovery.

    Michael Bennet - presumably with the spelling fancies himself as a bored dad looking Jed Bartlet. Can't see any other reason why anyone would vote for him - No idea

    Joe Biden - at the end of two terms he would be 86, him and Jeremy Corbyn can have a special relationship bond comparing colostomy bags.Should be running in the Republican primary, would be the best candidate they've had in years.

    Cory Booker - looks like a bald Herman Munster. I'm guessing he's the token black guy. More influential than 'token black guy' but is relying on voters to confuse him for the other black guy. Best nugget so far? He's been using anecdotes of a drug dealer called 'T-Bone' for 15 years. Only problem is T-Bone doesn't seem to exist.

    Steve Bullock - you can't have a President named after a type of cattle. Governor of Montana. Does Montana even need governing? Apparently the number 1 issue voters care about in Montana is Wolves which I'm not sure is enough of a hot button issue to go national.

    Pete Buttigieg - didn't this guy have his own mania a while back? Fuck knows why, he looks like someone that got rogered in high school showers. Also, Mayor of South Bend, Indiana? Really? Because his campaigns run by a very well connected spin doctor and he's being funded by Wall Street to appeal to the youngs with his narrative of 'I served in Afghanistan but I'm Gay!?!?'. He has absolutely nothing of value to say but he can say it in five languages which impresses the beltway media.

    Julian Castro - you really think swing voters are ready to vote for someone with an accent on his name who looks like Manny Calavera? Think again
    Bill de Blasio - I've heard of this guy, which in the current climate means he definitely has no chance. Mayor of New York, 0% in the polls and 45% of primary voters who know who he is dislike him.

    John Delaney - it's reassuring to know that there is still plenty of leprechaun blood at the top of US politics, if being the rep from Maryland 6 is indeed the top Who?

    Tulsi Gabbard - has the right balance between being ethnic enough for East Coast liberals to patronise her, and white-looking enough for sad men to fancy her. Still, she's 38, so lol. the anti-american empire candidate, would have destroyed in 2008 but she couldn't run due to being 27

    Kirsten Gillibrand - presumably just been spat out of the same centre left bollocks leader candidate machine that produced Ed Miliband running on the 'Hilary without the baggage' ticket

    Mike Gravel - seriously? Campaign is literally being run by socialist-podcast listening teens in an attempt to troll the debate rules into getting on the stage so Gavel can call Henry Kissinger a war criminal on tv

    Kamala Harris - ah, now here's the real token black, and also a woman. I think you can maybe get elected as one of those things in America (though it's in increasing doubt), but not both. Sorry. Definitely not token, very serious person but at the end of the day she's a cop and fuck cops.

    John Hickenlooper - we're not even halfway through the alphabet yet, christ. Has been Mayor or Governor of Colorado for almost 20 years, so presumably high as a kite to think he can win the presidency with a name like that.
    True story:


    Jay Inslee - his logo says 'Inslee: Our Moment'. I doubt that. One issue candidates can be good (see Bernie) but not in a field of 43

    Amy Klobuchar - who even are these people? Only thing I know about her is she throws things at her staff if they fuck up her menu order

    Wayne Messam - ah, this is the proper token black. Can any old twat declare for this or do you have to have certain backing? At least Delaney and Bennett made me think 'yeah I've heard of that guy'

    Seth Moulton - Trump will be running scared of a centrist dad looking bloke called Seth Moulton.Looks like Seth McFarlane, tried to remove Nancy Pelosi as Speaker for being too communist.

    Beto O'Rourke - I've heard this name a lot without really knowing who it is. Now I've found out who it is, it turns out he's a limp useless fucking twat. Oh well.Should have run for Senate.

    I'm not going past there. I've seen enough. Congratulations Donald Trump.
    The only important person you missed is Marianne Williamson which is basically like Eileen Drewery running for President.

  5. #8605
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    If the Democrats lose twice in a row to Trump they may as well pack up and go home.

  6. #8606
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    Warren’s easily the best candidate. Not sure about who the most electable is - Klobuchar maybe? She’s properly into the Midwestern issues, could pick up the Iowas and Wisconsins

  7. #8607
    Senior Member Queenslander's Avatar
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  8. #8608
    Senior Member Bernanke's Avatar
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  9. #8609
    Senior Member Spoonsky's Avatar
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    Oh yeah, my friend met Mike Gravel last month.

  10. #8610
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Hopefully his running mate Paul Patio will add some gravitas to the ticket.

  11. #8611
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    "Electability" is the wankiest of all wanks.

  12. #8612
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    What a shitshow that was.

    Bernard is still the best. That woman at the edge was also a good laugh.

  13. #8613
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phonics View Post
    The only important person you missed is Marianne Williamson which is basically like Eileen Drewery running for President.
    I saw a tweet that said something like Marianne Williamson is a combination of all of the leading newspapers' online comment sections manifested as one human.
    I'm a twit

  14. #8614
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    I saw a tweet that said something like Marianne Williamson is a combination of all of the leading newspapers' online comment sections manifested as one human.

  15. #8615
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    Since this is what was I doing my aborted dissertation in, here is a whole bunch of nonsense you were all neither asking for or likely interested in:

    Michael Bennet - Former Colorado public school official around the time of the Littletown shootings. Kept getting promoted in the aftermath cause everyone else was useless all the way into getting appointed to the Senate. Used to be worthwhile before parliamentary style politics hit the senate. Not much point to him anymore except he thinks an American audience can follow marginal policy details, just beat cancer, and hates Mitch McConnell more than anyone but Harry Reid. Gave his first speech that featured a raised voice a couple months ago and has decided that retirement is gonna be a bunch of yelling.
    Joe Biden - Uncle Joe makes me sad. Used to be a wonderful specimen. Now just looks a bit tired. Likes to lose presidential nomination races. Fuck off if you think he is a Republican.
    He has been solidly 7.25% left of center in the D Caucus since the 1970’s so he used to be iffy about school integration. Mildly amusing watching Phonics, Chapo and the online left utterly confused that he is walking away with the Union vote and if he keeps the most important and pragmatic constituency of the party he could still win. The online left still doesn’t know who that is or why they are: The 9:30 mark of this clip is old glorious Joe:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRlQjw_mKzs
    Cory Booker - Streetfight is a good movie. The kind of Ned Flanders American that even other Americans think must be fake because you can’t possibly be that earnest, but I honestly think he is. Mock him all you want - he’s fucking Rosario Dawson and you are not.
    Steve Bullock - Consistently wins statewide in blood red Montana. Maybe could be useful? Let’s have the crystal lady instead.
    Pete Buttigieg - He’s good at Bill Clinton style politics. Managed to make a name for himself because the entire country has been forced to watch Notre Dame play college football every Saturday for forty years. The Supreme Court plans are so silly.
    Julian Castro - Has a twin brother. Rising star new face of the Democratic Party since 2007! Took Bernie thirty years to move the Overton Window on universal healthcare. Castro got the entire field to adopt open borders and universal healthcare in single debate without them or even the public noticing simply because he’s the only person who knows what the names of the fucking laws are.
    His entire policy portfolio is a rewrite of immigration laws, destroying NIMBY Zoning, and desegregating schools. Obviously, the left thinks he is a neoliberal corporate shill. Winner, so far, of the “No - You go back to Texas debate.”
    Bill de Blasio - More unpopular than Donald Trump. Even for Democrats. How is this possible? Well, if you decide to celebrate being an ass at a debate in Florida by going to a rally of Cuban emigrees and spouting off Che Guevara lines? That’s how.
    John Delaney - I am such a geek about this stuff and I am utterly clueless.
    Tulsi Gabbard - Grew up in a Hawaiian Hindu spinoff cult. Doesn’t like war but enjoys a candlelight dinner with Assad while praising his treatment of his citizens.
    Kirsten Gillibrand - Former hard core center right Blue Dog Dem. Current arch progressive. What will it be tomorrow? I kid, she is ridiculous but she took on the military over sexual harassment and won 30% so she has probably achieved more than the rest of the field combined.
    Mike Gravel - Teenagers, oh so serious about left politics that they are raising money ostensibly to “give to Flint about the water” but seem to keep spending it on traveling around the country to show how cool and woke they are. There will be like $5 left over for a liter of water for the poors after we finish the fight to have the janitors pitch in to pay off the debts of all the lawyers in the office cause that is universal man. And no, a tax on individual financial transactions is not a tax on the banks it is something that banks will add to their pricing structures.
    Kamala Harris - Best primary debate performance I’ve ever seen. Not all that good at campaigning but she just kills at political set pieces. My mom and six sisters are all either criminal or civil rights attorneys so the whole prosecutor thing creeps me out but people seem to think “Kamala is a cop” will play poorly with in the Midwest or in the general. That sounds dumb to me. If she can get in the top three in Iowa she has the most room to grow while Bernie fucks Warren’s chances.
    John Hickenlooper - Wrong Jimmy - he made beer. Rest is pretty accurate.
    Jay Inslee - I am a single issue candidate.’what is the question? Oh, greatest geo-political threat? China!
    Amy Klobuchar - Could win this thing in a heartbeat in 1992. Wins every district in a midwestern state and throws things at her staff. To be fair they expect her to eat her salad with a comb so I’m not sure she is wrong.
    Wayne Messam - Stopped pretending
    Seth Moulton - Kind of sad. His candidate recruitment program Service America found and coached something like 25-28 of the mid thirty seats Dems took from R’s. And people who won safe seats like AOC and Omar get all the credit. On the other hand, dumbass challenged one of the only two American politicians who are good at their job.
    Beto O'Rourke - I know 7 different Texans who have all spent 30-50 years on god’s good Earth that never did more than vote every other election. All of these people were so moved they volunteered to work for his campaign so I assumed there was something there. There was only a puppy who wants to jump on a table and may get so excited he pees on you. Probably done for good.
    Tim Ryan - from looking at him I'm just going to assume he's Paul Ryan's Democrat twin.
    Bernie Sanders - Slayer of Dragons, Mover of Overton Windows.. I actually really like Bernie. He is an excellent back bencher that keeps people honest but he just doesn’t understand party politics. If 25% is enough to win (and it may be this time) then he has a chance. But relying solely on the vote of the people who hate the party apparatus and want to destroy it may.... just may .... just not be the way to win over a coalition with large chunks of people who have never had another path to power. Or you could just have listened to James Baldwin fifty years ago:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_fZQQ7o16yQ
    Warren - Honestly, I am impressed. Had a game plan, just plowed through when she got written off, and works her ass off. I’m agnostic about the policies but she is a worker and is more concerned with completion than being 100% right. Winning the party decides primary. Only Bernie splitting the left and her lack of money and insane burn rate can kill her off.
    Williamson - Future GOOP columnist, lover of crystal, totally crazy, and speaker of truth. She is 100% correct when she says “your plans are not going to beat Trump.” It is a re-elect you muppets. Make it a referendum on Trump and stop with the one weird trick to win elections.

    Trump - meh, incumbent so must be the favorite but a weak one. Classic failed American President. And the dirty secret is that Paul Ryan and Cocaine Mitch got what they wanted and killed Trump’s agenda, but only political scientists noticed. If you don’t believe me, just answer the following questions: when was the new NAFTA signing? And when did it pass the legislature?

  16. #8616
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    [QUOTE]
    Joe Biden - Uncle Joe makes me sad. Used to be a wonderful specimen. Now just looks a bit tired. Likes to lose presidential nomination races. Fuck off if you think he is a Republican.
    He has been solidly 7.25% left of center in the D Caucus since the 1970’s so he used to be iffy about school integration. Mildly amusing watching Phonics, Chapo and the online left utterly confused that he is walking away with the Union vote and if he keeps the most important and pragmatic constituency of the party he could still win. The online left still doesn’t know who that is or why they are: The 9:30 mark of this clip is old glorious Joe:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRlQjw_mKzs[/QUOTE]

    I didnt say he was a Republican, I said he'd be the best Republican candidate. Honestly a bit surprised at your agnosticism vis a vis Warren, thought she'd land right in your wheelhouse. I'm full Liz Lad.

  17. #8617
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    By the way, Duncan Hunter continues to be the most interesting story around.

    The man known as the vaping senator was re-elected despite facing charges of embezzlement including listing his video games as campaign expenses.

    The trial is beyond words.





    Once again:



  18. #8618
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    It's a tough contest but one of my favourite Trump tick of the moment is him being repeatedly convinced to do somethingby various unnamed Sexy Generals. It's so funny that all these people who identify as alphas worship the most fay, camp media man around.

  19. #8619
    Senior Member Bernanke's Avatar
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    The only candidate roundup you need.

    My favourites:






  20. #8620
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    In another truly stellar week for this White House, the Secretary of Labor has resigned for cutting a sweetheart deal with a billionaire paedophile when he was a prosecutor and his replacement for the Secretary of Labor position is a guy who was lobbying on behalf of literal sweatshops in a previous career.

  21. #8621
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    Even Trump can't get away with this latest comment, surely.

  22. #8622
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    U serious bro?

  23. #8623
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by randomlegend View Post
    Even Trump can't get away with this latest comment, surely.
    How much do you want to bet?

  24. #8624
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Timeless.

  25. #8625
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    It seems more stupid than OFFENSIVE, since he probably thinks that they are actually immigrants.

  26. #8626
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    He thinks anyone brown is an imiigrant. Like the 'Mexican' judge from Indiana. It's racist.

  27. #8627
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    Of course it is, but at this stage what difference does it make?

  28. #8628
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I was replying to Lewis trying to say he was simply misinformed.

  29. #8629
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    What do we think it would take for him to actually go? A Clinton job wouldn't come close. Would a Watergate? I don't reckon it would.

  30. #8630
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    I think no single event, as long as he somehow walked it back or claimed innocence, would ever cost him enough for the Senate to try to get rid of him. Only some sustained policy shift (“I’ve decided to give amnesty to all illegal immigrants, and open our borders once and for all”) could do him in, as long as he kept it going and didnt claim fake news

  31. #8631
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    4D chess mate never in doubt.

  32. #8632
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    Nadia Murad: They killed my mum, my six brothers, they left them behind
    Trumpster: Where are they now?
    Nadia Murad: They killed them. They are in a mass grave in Sinjar

  33. #8633
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Toggle Spoiler



  34. #8634
    Senior Member Queenslander's Avatar
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    Im dining out on Epstien.




  35. #8635
    Senior Member Bernanke's Avatar
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    If he ends up being the nominee, the debates between him and Donald will be absolutely incredible.

  36. #8636
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    He's definitely senile. Mumbled his way through the whole thing.

    Pepe's current favorites:
    1. Bernie
    2. Pocahontas
    3. Andrew 'Andrew Yang' Yang
    4. Tulsi Gabbard

    Everybody else should just go home now, waste of space the lot. I guess the weirdo woman could stay for the bants.

  37. #8637
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Do any of them stand a chance if they win or is it going to be an utterly depressing Trump steamroller job?

  38. #8638
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    I don't think that the American political landscape allows for any steamrolling, but I still think that Tronnie wins by a wider margin than last time around regardless of who is the opponent.

  39. #8639
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Whoever gets the nomination it will go like this:

    'You're rubbish you, Trump. Values. You do and say loads of rubbish things. America.'
    'Do you still want Open Borders you Mentalist???'
    *wins*

  40. #8640
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Apparently Trump has sent the "U.S. special presidential envoy for hostage affairs" to the ASAP Rocky trial which is under way here in Stockholm today

  41. #8641
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    That whole thing is a bit lol.

    "Only WE are allowed to treat our black people unfairly!"

  42. #8642
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    He's not even being treated unfairly, as far as I can tell.

  43. #8643
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    You haven't shot him yet so it's already an improvement on the US justice system.

  44. #8644
    I used to be funny.
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    The landscape's changed but much more on the voter side. Could you imagine in 2010 a bunch of fucking memelords turning up to vote?

  45. #8645
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    He'll lose because he's not got more popular over the last four years after an election where he won by a combined 72,000 votes across 3 states.

  46. #8646
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mazuuurk View Post
    He's not even being treated unfairly, as far as I can tell.
    Oh I don't imagine for a second that he's being treated poorly or unfairly in anyway.

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    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Yeah I think the thing is he is being treated fairly, just like anyone in custody would be.

    In the US, that seems really baffling to them. But, but.... he's famous!?

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    Senior Member Alex's Avatar
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    Check the wordplay. Guest spot on the next album confirmed, surely.

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    I used to be funny.
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    He should celebrate with a sexual assault on American soil.

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    Romulus Augustulus ItalAussie's Avatar
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    I assumed that the Democratic candidates having it out would lead to them destroying each other, but it didn't seem to hurt the Republicans last time around.

    By the time the Presidential election rolls around, everyone will have forgotten the primaries, and they'll all be best buddies.

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