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Thread: The All New, All Shit, Relationship Thread

  1. #3501
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mert View Post
    Anyways I'm probably getting back together (for good!) with a girl I met in her second week of school.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mert View Post
    having children young


  2. #3502
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Weaver View Post
    It's over, lads, no more ALPHA stories from Mert

    Do we have a replacement lined up?

  3. #3503
    Senior Member SincereTheRebel's Avatar
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    Respect to all you male's who are man enough to have wife's and children. Im still, too much of a coward to do so.

  4. #3504
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mert View Post
    'Weird' = maintains attraction and is loyal to me. It's how it's supposed to be.

    Anyways I'm probably getting back together (for good!) with a girl I met in her second week of school. I think I'm calling it a life on the girl front, I genuinely find the entire process to be tiresome at this stage. I can get laid and I'm actually over it, would rather be with someone I care about who is absolutely wonderful, I don't need to have any more 'fun.' I'd rather focus on my career / having children young / make and save money / etc.
    You literally make this same post once a month.

  5. #3505
    leedsrevolution
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    I would marry my better half without question. But CBA organising a wedding. Looks a right effort.

  6. #3506
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by leedsrevolution View Post
    I would marry my better half without question. But CBA organising a wedding. Looks a right effort.
    If I were doing it all over agai I would fuck off somewhere abroad, get married on the beach of an All Inclusive and invite everyone on the basis that they pay their own way and still buy us a decent present. It would save £10-15 grand and you're already on honeymoon.

  7. #3507
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    If I were doing it all over agai I would fuck off somewhere abroad, get married on the beach of an All Inclusive and invite everyone on the basis that they pay their own way and still buy us a decent present. It would save £10-15 grand and you're already on honeymoon.
    That's what we're gonna do, minus the 'inviting everyone' bit

  8. #3508
    Senior Member Weaver's Avatar
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    Just you, her, and 100 of TTH's finest.

    It'll be great.

  9. #3509
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Hawaii here we come lads

  10. #3510
    Senior Member wullie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raoul Duke View Post
    That's what we're gonna do, minus the 'inviting everyone' bit
    Minus the 'abroad' bit too and that's what we did. Scotland's quite tropical when you think about it though.

  11. #3511
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    What the hell is going on with no posts in here for six weeks or something?

    Anyway, me and my partner might be breaking up. We've been rocky for a while in fairness, the spark just seems to have gone. We haven't fallen out or anything, just drifted apart over the past few months. It's just gone flat. We've talked and eventually decided to try and do a few more things together and see if that can rekindle anything, but I'm not sure.

    The crux seems to be that we're not doing anything at the weekend. I'm more interested in the football and she's having to make arrangements to go out with her mates and stuff. The problem is we're both so busy and tired and it's hard to get out and do stuff, particularly as we both have to do some work over the weekend. I've cut my work load right down to about three hours on a Sunday, but she seems to spend all Sunday working sometimes. She moans a little about me not pulling my weight sometimes around the house (think I've mentioned this before), but that's fairly minor really.

    In hindsight, we might have moved in together too soon. She bought a house and moved into it a couple of months after we met, and I more or less moved in soon after, and properly moved in a couple of months after that. Where it was fun coming round and seeing each other a few times a week, suddenly became the norm.

    Anyway, please offer some words of wisdom, or comfort.

  12. #3512
    Senior Member John's Avatar
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    Half the board told you that relationship sounded shaky well over six months ago, and you got really shitty about it.

  13. #3513
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    A few people mentioned it, and it was based on a couple of little annoyances.

  14. #3514
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    What the hell is going on with no posts in here for six weeks or something?

    Anyway, me and my partner might be breaking up. We've been rocky for a while in fairness, the spark just seems to have gone. We haven't fallen out or anything, just drifted apart over the past few months. It's just gone flat. We've talked and eventually decided to try and do a few more things together and see if that can rekindle anything, but I'm not sure.

    The crux seems to be that we're not doing anything at the weekend. I'm more interested in the football and she's having to make arrangements to go out with her mates and stuff. The problem is we're both so busy and tired and it's hard to get out and do stuff, particularly as we both have to do some work over the weekend. I've cut my work load right down to about three hours on a Sunday, but she seems to spend all Sunday working sometimes. She moans a little about me not pulling my weight sometimes around the house (think I've mentioned this before), but that's fairly minor really.

    In hindsight, we might have moved in together too soon. She bought a house and moved into it a couple of months after we met, and I more or less moved in soon after, and properly moved in a couple of months after that. Where it was fun coming round and seeing each other a few times a week, suddenly became the norm.

    Anyway, please offer some words of wisdom, or comfort.

    To be honest doing things at the weekend won't be much of a solution if you both aren't really wanting to find some time together anyway. I mean it's important to make time for hanging out and all, but to some extent that should be something you make sure by yourself as well.

    It sounds more like you are both not very into each other anymore for whatever reason, and at that point not sure if there's so much to do about it. I mean by the sounds of it (correct me if I'm wrong) you don't seem too upbeat about the prospect of breaking up really.

    The "Living together" situation just sounds like what it's like to live with someone, whoever that is. There's always some everyday challenges to deal with when you share a house and given most people have the idea they will do that for the remainder of their lives (once they find someone they want to do that with), I don't know if it matters much if you move in together after 1 month or 1 year, at the end of the day.

    So to me I'd say you have two options:

    A. (you want to stick with her) - Make some sort of plan of how to make things happen on the weekends, make some sort of joint decision on "1 day per weekend is Us-time" or whatever and make sure you do something fun that time (not just lounge around in the sofa at home). Try that for a few months and see if it helps.

    B. (you are fed up anyway and want to watch your football and shouldn't she accept that anyway?!) break up now and be done with it, find somewhere else to stay. Tough luck really, but at least you can get fucked with your mates as much as you want right? And if that feels like the more appealing option then it's probably the right one.

  15. #3515
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Sounds like a great relationship Scouse, you should keep at it forever.

  16. #3516
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    To be fair if my mrs wanted to sit around watching TOWIE all weekend I’d be pretty fucked off. Watch Match of the Day and go out on a Saturday with her. Easy.

    I only get 1 day a week off with my Mrs so we meet for lunch a couple of days a week, I pick her up on Saturday after work and we go out, etc. And I guarantee we have a more difficult working arrangement than you do and we have a toddler on top of that. Ultimately if you wanted to see each other you’d already be putting the effort in without having to come to blows over it first.

    Edit: that came across more cuntish than intended but I stand by it. If the idea of putting the effort in makes you want to sign (your post reads that way) then it’s time to bin it.

  17. #3517
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    Being the classy individual I am, I screwed the Romanian sous chef.... in the bathroom on a manky duvet.

    Lass I got with in Guernsey some eight years ago, the one I can't even remember sleeping with, we rekindled our fleeting romance recently but she wants more and that's a no go as far as I'm concerned.

    I'm right back on it after a few years not even being interested. I've had more sex this last three months than the last three years. I don't know what it is but it's easy again. I went through a stage where I was just socially awkward or not confident enough anymore. Fuck knows.

    Truly on top form but it's me so I'll blow it eventually. :Cool:

  18. #3518
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    It probably doesn't help that I only post the negative stuff, and I rarely make many posts. We've decided to give it a try, with us basically doing more stuff together. One of the main reasons it might feel forced is because of how busy we are, and having to find time to do things. We've done the 'us time' but that's normal for teachers anyway (as well as other professions that work long hours of course) and I've had a few experienced teachers telling me that it would be like that and it's natural.

    I do find it a bit strange that some on here think we should maybe call it a day when I'm sure a high percentage of relationships are in a bigger state than ours. But then I get the impression I could say we prefer different flavour sandwiches and some people would be telling me it's doomed (hi John).

    Maz, leaving doesn't seem like the preferable option, but that doesn't mean it's not the right one. A bit more on my partner - she's really down with work at the moment and is looking for another job. I think that's having a knock on effect. She's on quite a high pay scale but has been told she won't be able to go to the next one for rather dubious reasons. She also doesn't get on with some of the senior staff, and has taken a bit of time off in the past.

  19. #3519
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Sweet delusion. It isn't working, pan it. There's no kids or joint mortgage.

  20. #3520
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    We also said Magic's relationship was doomed when it looked a little rocky.

    Kid, marriage and divorce within a year, Scouse.

  21. #3521
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    I don't know where people find the time.

  22. #3522
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    They don’t spend all weekend watching football.

  23. #3523
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    They don’t spend all weekend watching football.
    Lol.

  24. #3524
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    What the hell is going on with no posts in here for six weeks or something?

    Anyway, me and my partner might be breaking up. We've been rocky for a while in fairness, the spark just seems to have gone. We haven't fallen out or anything, just drifted apart over the past few months. It's just gone flat. We've talked and eventually decided to try and do a few more things together and see if that can rekindle anything, but I'm not sure.

    The crux seems to be that we're not doing anything at the weekend. I'm more interested in the football and she's having to make arrangements to go out with her mates and stuff. The problem is we're both so busy and tired and it's hard to get out and do stuff, particularly as we both have to do some work over the weekend. I've cut my work load right down to about three hours on a Sunday, but she seems to spend all Sunday working sometimes. She moans a little about me not pulling my weight sometimes around the house (think I've mentioned this before), but that's fairly minor really.

    In hindsight, we might have moved in together too soon. She bought a house and moved into it a couple of months after we met, and I more or less moved in soon after, and properly moved in a couple of months after that. Where it was fun coming round and seeing each other a few times a week, suddenly became the norm.

    Anyway, please offer some words of wisdom, or comfort.
    I would suggest firstly looking at it from your own perspective. Do you want even want to remain with her? It's all well and good trying to rekindle things but ultimately both of you need to be sure that that's what you want. There's little point in pretending you want to be with one another for the sake of being with one another. Relationships are relatively easy things if you have the fundamental ingredients. Communication being the biggest, trust right alongside it, attraction, desire. Do the good things outweigh the bad? People have a tendency to really focus on the negatives when talking about relationship break downs, not too dissimilar to a depressive believing their life to be shit, it's just easier to recall all the bad stuff and the good tend to be forgotten. I'm assed looking for your posts from 6 months ago as I have no clue of your past history with this lass but you need to ask yourself if it's worth saving, if it is then try harder. Pull your weight around the house, go back to basics and remember what made you both want to be with one another in the first place. Be spontaneous.

    The problem with moving in with someone so soon as I'm sure you're aware is that you quickly learn all of their bad habits, the things that were hidden, you swiftly get under one another's feet, spending too much time together, both working full time too and so the little that is free has to be divided fairly. You have to do your thing, she has to do her thing, you have to have your own lives as much as having lives together. Living in one another's pockets or always been in close proximity together isn't at all that healthy. If she bought a house I imagine she's in a better financial position than you given your other quote below. Her work life shouldn't have much of a baring on your lives together. Quite rightly she's looking for something else, be proactive and help her do this. Support her in following her goals, if you want to be with her then you've got to take one for the team in that respect but again, it depends on you. When you're bringing your work home with you then it's no good, the same as if you take your home life to work with you. If she's just down because of work then she needs to do something about it or could she be using the work as an excuse because she doesn't want to be with you. Be open minded to this. It's difficult to gauge on a forum where we don't actually know the lass but if you both do want to be together then I wouldn't say it's doomed. Take a weekend break by yourself or send her away and do something to the house. Make her miss you. Make her look forward to wanting to come home to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    It probably doesn't help that I only post the negative stuff, and I rarely make many posts. We've decided to give it a try, with us basically doing more stuff together. One of the main reasons it might feel forced is because of how busy we are, and having to find time to do things. We've done the 'us time' but that's normal for teachers anyway (as well as other professions that work long hours of course) and I've had a few experienced teachers telling me that it would be like that and it's natural.

    I do find it a bit strange that some on here think we should maybe call it a day when I'm sure a high percentage of relationships are in a bigger state than ours. But then I get the impression I could say we prefer different flavour sandwiches and some people would be telling me it's doomed (hi John).

    Maz, leaving doesn't seem like the preferable option, but that doesn't mean it's not the right one. A bit more on my partner - she's really down with work at the moment and is looking for another job. I think that's having a knock on effect. She's on quite a high pay scale but has been told she won't be able to go to the next one for rather dubious reasons. She also doesn't get on with some of the senior staff, and has taken a bit of time off in the past.
    Here in lies one the problems. The solution isn't just doing things together, it's about having separate lives as well. If she has friends then arrange with them for them to take her on a girls night out. Or arrange a lads night out for yourself. Cook her a meal, run her a bath, do what you can to ease her work load if work truly is the issue. It depends how much you want it, doesn't it? You can only do what you can do and I think you'll admit yourself that you could do more. Ask yourself if you could do more then why aren't you doing more? You can't use the work excuse yourself because it doesn't sound like you want to lose her, it sounds as though the relationship is slipping into stale, routine type shit though. I can imagine you both come home from work, have a whinge about work and wake up the following day to go to work. Forget what other teachers say too. Every relationship is different.

    She's on a high pay scale, so what. It means nothing if there's no satisfaction in her role. Money only gets you so far, you've got to enjoy what you do for a living. As a teacher I imagine you get a decent amount of time off at various points so it's not as though things require a massive plan of action given you know when these times off are going to occur, mostly.

    Did either of you think it would be better than it actually is being together under the same roof? I don't know the reasons for moving in so quickly together but that can take the passion out of a relationship in itself especially if she feels more of a mother to you than a partner, what with your comment about her believing you don't pull your weight around the house.

    I wouldn't even sit down with her and have "the talk". Either surprise her by doing something for her or surprise her by telling her you're going to start a new interest and follow it through. Make her want to spend her precious time with you again.

    In short, fuck what this lot say. If you believe it's worth fighting for then do so. If you are both on the same level then it shouldn't be all too hard but as I said, bare in mind that she might not want to be with you any longer too. Protect yourself whilst simultaneously supporting her. Relationships....who'd have 'em.

    You might skim over this but I hope somewhere in there there's some helpful advice.

    Good luck, Scouse.

  25. #3525
    Senior Member Spoonsky's Avatar
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    What's your situation @Magic?

  26. #3526
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    I haven't skimmed over it Smiff, it's much appreciated. I'll respond in more detail later, but in short you're right in a lot of what you say.

  27. #3527
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spoonsky View Post
    What's your situation @Magic?
    Suck my dick you little Amish seat sniffer.

  28. #3528
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic View Post
    Suck my dick you little Amish seat sniffer.
    I hadn't even noticed it was Spoon that asked that. I just presumed it was Boydy.

  29. #3529
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic View Post
    Suck my dick you little Amish seat sniffer.

  30. #3530
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    That was great.

    Magic's just jelly because Spoonsky has been DONNING IT lately, if facebook is anything to go by.

  31. #3531
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepe View Post
    That was great.

    Magic's just jelly because Spoonsky has been DONNING IT lately, if facebook is anything to go by.
    He's the reason I've quit FB. A fine compliment.

  32. #3532
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    He was the reason I quit too.

  33. #3533
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    I try not to look at the "relationship" as an abstract thing, and try to focus on the individuals. It's probably why I've never been in a relationship for more than 9 months, but whatever.

  34. #3534
    Senior Member Spoonsky's Avatar
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    I just care about Magic.

  35. #3535
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    “Quitting” Facebook.

    How do you know when someone doesn’t have Facebook?
    Toggle Spoiler
    I'm a twit

  36. #3536
    I used to be funny.
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    "Have you read my twitlonger?"

  37. #3537
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    I
    Maz, leaving doesn't seem like the preferable option, but that doesn't mean it's not the right one. A bit more on my partner - she's really down with work at the moment and is looking for another job. I think that's having a knock on effect. She's on quite a high pay scale but has been told she won't be able to go to the next one for rather dubious reasons. She also doesn't get on with some of the senior staff, and has taken a bit of time off in the past.
    Yeah alright. Then, I've been through numerous "fuck my job and it's going out over my partner" phases with my girlfriend from both our sides really, and while it's true that changing that sort of situation can have a really positive effect, there was never really any feeling of "let's bin this" during those times, it always just sort of felt more like something a bit rough to go through together.

    But obviously all relationships are a bit different and you know best what you feel like.

    The reason people are saying they think it's doomed isn't because of Sandwhich preferences mate, it's because you started your post with saying "Me and my partner might be breaking up" which usually is a sure sign you would indeed be breaking up (in my experience once someone says that, the conversations have been had already and what remains is some sort of chicken race on who can provoke the other to do it first).

  38. #3538
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    It's not from this time Maz, it's from last time I brought us up several months ago, talking about some of our petty annoyances against each other (reading back it was only really two peope). I've spoken to my mum a couple times about it, and her general stance has been that no relationship is perfect, you need to work at it and you're always going to have fallings out, differences of opinions and even doubts, unless you find that one in million perfect soul mate. Which seems the obvious and sensible opinion, and one that most on here would probably go along with. Although I spoke to her the other day after our chat and she said maybe it's for the best and that we'd given it a good try. Fwiw, we've had one or two 'are we okay' chats in the past and basically decided we need to put our relationship ahead of work and try a bit harder.

    The 'let's bin this' stuff is fair enough. She's quite driven and has plans on where she wants to be in life at certain points, which is something I've never really got. When she was at university she wanted to be a high level teacher, bought her first house and have two children by 30. She has the first two. Without going into too much detail, life in the bedroom (sorry I know that sounds silly) has gone stale which is surely one of our biggest issues. She's admitted that she's put up a barrier for the last several months. That's almost certainly having an effect. I'm also concerned she might be a bit depressed. Fed up with her job to the point she wants to leave, relationship having troubles and she generally seems pretty down. She takes anti depressants because she's had this before (before we met), and I do tho k she focuses on the negatives a bit too much.

    From my perspective, I do want it to work, I just sometimes need that kick up the backside as a reminder. I've been so tired through work over the past couple of years, something I've not really experienced much of before as I've only worked regular hours (35-40 a week, which became 55-60 as a teacher). My old head teacher warned me when I started seeing my partner in my NQT year, telling me how tough it would be and that I'd need to work on my work life balance, and when I moved in with her one of my teaching mates I was working with asked me how I found the time (particularly as it meant a longer commute to work each day). Sorry if I'm going over old ground, but I think the context is important.

    So Smiffy, yes I want to be with her, but I don't think we're one in a million soul mates or anything like that. The truth is, we love each other, but neither of us are quite sure if we're right to spend the rest of our lives together. I do support her in following her goals, and have encouraged her to look for other jobs (which she has been and is doing). We're on half term this week, we went out for the day yesterday and she's going to a spa for a couple of nights at the end of the week with her mum, which will give her a nice relaxing break, time apart and time to mull things over with her mum. We do get a decent amount of time off. We've been to Paris, Venice, South of France, London and other weekend and days away in England (Chester for a couple of weekends, for instance). We would have booked to to Barcelona this Christmas but we can't as we break up at different times.

    I need to go out so I'll finish my response later.

    At the end of the day, neither of us are 100% sure. To some, that would suggest that it's not quite working and we should call it a day. Others would say that few relationships are 100% and we shouldn't expect ours to be. This is the dilemma I'm facing.

  39. #3539
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Hmm. It's hard to tell because you seem a lot on the fence about it but from what I'm gathering then it seems you're not quite done in trying to make it work. Generally my personal relantionship mentality is much like that of your mothers', so keep that in mind but then my advice would be to stick it out for a while longer and attempt your best at making things better. Maybe you will have to set your own contentment aside for a while to be a little extra supportive of her actually, as it seems she's the one really going through some tough stuff and you're mainly just suffering as a bi-product of that.

    See it as a bit of a test because if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together, I'd assume it's likely she will occasionally struggle with that sort of thing, and you may have to deal with this sort of phase in the future as well. If you can know that they are just phases that might help then.

    And you say she's looking for a new job so it might be fair to give her a chance to find one. So long as you feel she's also trying to do something about the situation as well.


    Actually to me now it sounds more like your everyday life is what's suffering more, and maybe going for weekends isn't what's going to solve the problem (let's face it, it's always quite nice to go for a weekend break or a vacation).

    On the Sex thing that's really hard to say because it could be a bi-product of everything else (and also aren't anti-depressants often detrimental to sexdrive?), or it could just be that the attraction is fading away (which could be a bigger problem). If you feel like it's the latter I'd maybe say take a look in the mirror and see if you look as good/fit/dress as well as you did when you guys met. I did that a while ago and realized I'd let myself go a bit so I lost a bunch of weight and got fitter again - not really for the sake of my relationship or anything - but it had a very positive side-effect on it in many ways.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    It's not from this time Maz, it's from last time I brought us up several months ago, talking about some of our petty annoyances against each other (reading back it was only really two peope). I've spoken to my mum a couple times about it, and her general stance has been that no relationship is perfect, you need to work at it and you're always going to have fallings out, differences of opinions and even doubts, unless you find that one in million perfect soul mate. Which seems the obvious and sensible opinion, and one that most on here would probably go along with. Although I spoke to her the other day after our chat and she said maybe it's for the best and that we'd given it a good try. Fwiw, we've had one or two 'are we okay' chats in the past and basically decided we need to put our relationship ahead of work and try a bit harder.
    I always find such conversations are unwarranted. Communication is very important but "are we OK" is a question that I find rather black or white. You know things aren't OK and if you feel that way then you can bet your bottom dollar that your partner isn't because when you're not OK or you're not feeling the love as much etc then irrespective of how she feels, you're not giving the real version of you.

    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    The 'let's bin this' stuff is fair enough. She's quite driven and has plans on where she wants to be in life at certain points, which is something I've never really got. When she was at university she wanted to be a high level teacher, bought her first house and have two children by 30. She has the first two. Without going into too much detail, life in the bedroom (sorry I know that sounds silly) has gone stale which is surely one of our biggest issues. She's admitted that she's put up a barrier for the last several months. That's almost certainly having an effect. I'm also concerned she might be a bit depressed. Fed up with her job to the point she wants to leave, relationship having troubles and she generally seems pretty down. She takes anti depressants because she's had this before (before we met), and I do tho k she focuses on the negatives much.
    I find such plans are pointless. Life gets in the way of such things as seems to be the case here but it seems standard form. It's wise to want the stability and good career prospects but other things like kids can't be planned so easily. Right time, right partner, right situation etc however with regards to the stale sex, that's easy to rectify and that's something you can control. Mix it up. Sex doesn't have to be confined to the bedroom, it doesn't have to be a wham, bam, thanks. Sex normally gets stale in relationships anyway, it's not like it was at the beginning but that's not a you thing, that's a 99/100 relationships thing. Are you both open to talking about your sex life or is it a situation whereby you both know it but don't fully divulge what you like, what works etc? Be spontaneous. Get her excited. Find new positions, new places, extend foreplay, step outside your comfort zone, introduce toys, get darker, tie her up, roleplay. It doesn't even have to 50 shades of grey. Give her a massage after work, make her wonder "wtf?" Obviously she needs to pull down that barrier but equally it's within your capabilities to break it down yourself.

    If she is indeed depressed then you can't fault her for focussing on the negatives, that's the nature of the beast but equally it's as much down to her as it is to you to break free from that hold. Eat healthier, excercise more, do something different with yourself(ves), It's a tricky balance managing everything if she is indeed depressed but then she's got to want to help herself too. It's not easy but the best thing in that respect is for you to be there and support her but equally don't be a mug. You both need to try and improve things because anything less than 50-50 in the long term isn't going to work. She has to want this as much as you do, not to escape the darkness but to salvage what comes across as an average relationship. Take her swimming and fuck in the pool, go for a walk and just go hammer annd tongs somewhere. Add the excitement in. The risk of being caught is glorious (just not near playgrounds even if it will solve both your job woes ha)


    Quote Originally Posted by ScousePig View Post
    From my perspective, I do want it to work, I just sometimes need that kick up the backside as a reminder. I've been so tired through work over the past couple of years, something I've not really experienced much of before as I've only worked regular hours (35-40 a week, which became 55-60 as a teacher). My old head teacher warned me when I started seeing my partner in my NQT year, telling me how tough it would be and that I'd need to work on my work life balance, and when I moved in with her one of my teaching mates I was working with asked me how I found the time (particularly as it meant a longer commute to work each day). Sorry if I'm going over old ground, but I think the context is important.

    So Smiffy, yes I want to be with her, but I don't think we're one in a million soul mates or anything like that. The truth is, we love each other, but neither of us are quite sure if we're right to spend the rest of our lives together. I do support her in following her goals, and have encouraged her to look for other jobs (which she has been and is doing). We're on half term this week, we went out for the day yesterday and she's going to a spa for a couple of nights at the end of the week with her mum, which will give her a nice relaxing break, time apart and time to mull things over with her mum. We do get a decent amount of time off. We've been to Paris, Venice, South of France, London and other weekend and days away in England (Chester for a couple of weekends, for instance). We would have booked to to Barcelona this Christmas but we can't as we break up at different times.

    I need to go out so I'll finish my response later.

    At the end of the day, neither of us are 100% sure. To some, that would suggest that it's not quite working and we should call it a day. Others would say that few relationships are 100% and we shouldn't expect ours to be. This is the dilemma I'm facing.
    I wouldn't suggest calling it a day simply because neither of you were sure. If that wasn't the case then I would say get out and get on with your life, do some self improvement and she'll soon realise she made an error but it doesn't sound like you're both at that point. Women are weird creatures, if she didn't want to be with you she'd be finding many more reasons so as not to be with you. (Admittedly not knowing the lass the job, sex life, mental state etc could be reasons she's using but not going all out to say it's over but it doesn't read as such).

    I would however say the last thing you need is someone else, your mother or hers interfering, it's a situation that you both need to solve yourselves since inevitably when things aren't all that great in relationships the only things she's going to be telling her mum is the shit stuff, I'm sure you probably do the same with your own. Having breaks away is all very wel and good but it's just a different environment for a short time, you want to take her to a different place for a long time. Problem with breaks is the issues either get swept under the carpet until you both return home or you talk about said issues on break and then it doesn't actually become a break.

    If I was in this situation personally then I would support her as you're doing but detach yourself a little bit, focus more on yourself than on her, take up some new hobbies, do some community work, some fundraising or whatever. Be the positive example, your only reason needs to be that you're not happy with how things are in your life so you're going to do something about it. When you both talk about your new interest or hobby, offer to take her along or something so she knows your not just getting your dick wet elsewhere as again it's a fine balance. You suddenly disappearing would inevitably make her fear the worst and maybe she'll start accusing you of stuff given her current mindset.

    Why not start the next time you're home before her. Cook her a meal without telling her, get the candles on the go, start playing games. I once went the postit note route, little bits of information leading towards her finding the next note, to go look here there and everywhere for the next one. Make things exciting again. It's well within your grasp.

    Again, might be some snippets of good info in there for you but the relationship is far from dead and buried. I don't know your past relationships or how much experience you have in them but it's more than salvagable if you're willing to put the effort in. Just be wary that it could all be for nothing as you can't make her mind up for her, you can just show her the best version of you and if that's not good enough for her then quite frankly fella, she's not good enough for you.

  41. #3541
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    I think I'm probably understating the sex thing a bit. Her sex drive is practically zero, and has been for a while.

    We're doing as you say in your first paragraph Maz, and seeing how we go. Neither of us think the relationship is dead, but it has dwindled and gone flat. I'm happy to make sacrifices for her, and I do accept that she will be like this from time to time, as it's not the first time even since we've been together. Theoretically that shouldn't be an issue, with my past experiences of mental health. To be honest I'd rather be with someone who has mental health experience. She's actively looking at other jobs. When she was last unhappy about a year ago, she had an interview somewhere else, and last week she had a look round a school. I don't want to go into too much detail because I'm uncomfortable sharing her life on a public forum, and not sure it's fair.

    As for my personal aesthetics, I've always looked after myself and continue to do so. I don't think too much has changed on that front, apart from me being more tired. If anything, in the past I've overdone the exercise. I've always had a bit of a chubby face in comparison to my body, fwiw, but not sure that's relevant to much.

    Agreed about the plans, Smiff. She brought it up when we were having our chat the other day, about where she sees herself and how I don't do that. I think she sees it as a bit of a negative that I don't think long term, but I just never have done. Back to the eating healthier - we both eat healthy, she is at Slimming World and sticks to it pretty well. She's actually the thinnest she's been since she moved down to Leeds when she was at uni 10 years ago. That concerns me a little as it happens; on Sunday when we went out for the afternoon, she'd only eaten two biscuits all day, and it was 4pm when we got home. She doesn't exercise as much as she'd like, but she does okay. She gives me quite a lot of massages due to my lifestyle, but barely wants one herself.

    As for the hobbies section, she's just taken up knitting and started going to a class. She's quite outgoing as it happens, she has lots of close friends and does plenty of things. She also does voluntary work at cats protection from time to time. At the risk of sounding like an old retired couple (if we don't already), we bought a jigsaw aaages ago but have never got round to doing it. She phoned her dad yesterday to see if he could get a plywood board for us so that we could crack on with it. I don't have any new hobbies, however I've stopped playing football recently which can get me down. She's telling me I need to start playing again (although I'm currently injured). The problem is not playing in Sundays theoretically gives me more time to get my work done at the weekend, and allows for more 'us' time.

    I do want to do something for her for when she gets back from her spa break on Saturday. Buy some flowers, cook a meal etc but that's not anything out of the ordinary. I haven't bought her flowers for a while and we generally have nights when each other cooks. Mine are usually Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Other days either she cooks or we cook together. She has in the past said it would be nice to come home after work and have tea on the table (which it always is on a Wednesday as she is late back). The problem with that is I rarely get home much before her if at all, and she does meal plans at the start of the week and I don't always know how to cook the things we're having (hence us cooking together sometimes).

  42. #3542
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    Maybe prepare a meal in advance so all she has to do is heat it up when she comes back and you're not there? Bake her a cake or make some biscuits. Write her a letter telling her what she means to you, something that requires effort and a little time perhaps? A cheesy poem slipped under the pillow and what not. Buying flowers is all well and good but in the grand scheme of things it's piss easy to do that.

    If you don't know how to cook the things you're having then learn. Anyone (myself included) who claims they can't cook is chatting shit, you're basically admitting to being unable to follow instructions as that's all it is. Trial and error thereafter. Maybe take a cooking course yourself or with her as it sounds you spend some time together in the kitchen at least and any time should be quality time. Just continue to show you're willing to try these things. If it doesn't help your relationship then at least it'll help you for in the future too. Sidenote: If she attends Slimming World they give out booklets with recipes in anyway, if your partner hasn't already got them then just pop down there and grab one anyway. Red day green day bollocks still, I think?

    Not playing football on Sunday's is a bit of a feable excuse, I mean it's 2/3 hours out of a day, nothing major so rid yourself of that excuse. You know you feel better in yourself when playing too as it's something you enjoy. Injuries permitting. If she doesn't care for massages then maybe run her a bath, few candles here and there, even share one together if it's big enough. Lather up the soap and turn that into a massage whilst in the bath, hell, play it right, start slipping towards her boobs, few kisses on the neck and who knows, a new take one some watersports. Sex in the shower is pretty handy too.

    Her diet could be in relation to her mood, as you said your own experience in mental health should tell you all you need to know there. Your appetite goes, your desire to move and be active deminishes and what have you. Just gentle nudges in the right direction helps instead of confronting her about what she probably already knows. Just remain supportive init.

    What are you like at DIY, crafts and the like? Grab some pallets, get on the DIY groups and maybe start improving the back garden or something, create a nice place for you both to relax in. Watch as it comes together, nice cosy night by the log burner outside, solar lights planted around, take a blanket and lie by the fire whilst gazing at the stars. Romantic things in the eyes of a woman at least. (admittedly probably the wrong time of year to do that but nothing stopping you wrapping up and snuggling up and just enjoying the silence together).

    If she doesn't exercise as much as she used to then a simple solution would be to buy a Wii fitness thing, turn it into a game together, challenge her and have some living room fun.

    Keep at it. If it's worth saving, go for it. It's actually nice to see two seemingly mature adults at least acknowledge that things aren't as they were instead of slipping off into the darkness and finding fulfillment elsewhere. You at least have that going for you both. Good luck.

  43. #3543
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    BTW Scouse, we haven't talked about that either but I'm supposing the discussion about Kids have been had at some point?

    If that's something she wants, and you don't (right now?), that could also be a factor in all this?


    Of course I understand any unwillingness to commit to something like that given the circumstances, but yeah.

  44. #3544
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    We haven't discussed children. It's just not right for us at the moment. One of her best friends from school has just had her first baby, but her and her husband have been together 10+ years I think and married for several too. I don't know if that's playing on her mind.

    Smiffy, the reason we cook together sometimes is so that I learn the recipes she cooks. We can only have certain recipes with her being on a diet. The meals I cook for us now have been learnt from her and her slimming world books. The letter or baking thoughts are both good ideas, and I'll try and do both for when she gets back on Saturday. She will appreciate the effort.

    I'm not sure what you mean by the football on a Sunday being an excuse. Fwiw, it's half the day not just 2/3 hours, as I had to leave at 9.30am and didn't get home until 2.30pm ish. She likes baths and we do share them occasionally, but that's entirely dependent on her. Sex in the bath or shower is something she is rarely if ever interested in, she just never really seems bothered. I am supportive of her diet, lifestyle etc because as you say I've been through it myself.

    DIY wise I've painted and decorated the living room in the past few months, and we've done quite a lot of work in the garden as it's something we're both keen on. It's not really the time of year now for the outdoors though. The main thing that needed sorting in the house was the living room, and as I say I've done that (furniture too, for anyone who read our recent dilemma on that) We recently had a new boiler done so the old water tank was taken out of the airing cupboard, and she wants that turning into a wardrobe. We've also discussed getting a proper dropdown loft ladder so we can get in and out easily, but she knows someone who can come and do that. A Wii fitness or something like that might be a good idea actually, any particular recommendations?

  45. #3545
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    Scouse mate I'm sorry, but you do kind of come off as 65 here.

    Do you ever just go out and get fucked together? That's awesome.

  46. #3546
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    I know. And no we don't, but we're teachers in our thirties; aren't we boring by definition?

    She occasionally goes out, has cocktails and gets a bit hammered with her various mates from work/uni/home, but the only times I've really been out and got hammered in the past couple of years have been with my old work colleagues, and the work colleagues before that (basically my last two schools). I can't remember really even going out with my footy mates much, aside from a couple of pints after the games sometimes.

    I'll be honest, it just doesn't really appeal that much as a couple. We did go out a few times with our neighbours over the summer and that was good, but there was a group of us.

  47. #3547
    Senior Member Mazuuurk's Avatar
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    I mean you can start it off as a dinner date type thing and then see it as an occasion to have some slightly more uninhibited fun together.

    Whats the worst that can happen.

  48. #3548
    Senior Member ScousePig's Avatar
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    I've booked a table at a restaurant for Saturday, just up the road from where we had our first date. It's a small Italian and gets lots of good reviews.

  49. #3549
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Nothing sums up a failed relationship more than a soggy bowl of spaghetti. Good work Scouse.

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    Which book was that from?

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