We move into the second quarter of the 21st century with Greater Manchester at its lowest ebb since Bez shot himself in the Arndale Centre. The big two have both had a miserable December: it's been defeat after defeat for Pep's City, while Louie Barry's loan at Stockport has been terminated, leaving them short of firepower before their cup clash with Palace.
Fortunately there's good news elsewhere in the city. Sir Jim Ratcliffe moves into the transfer window armed with £10,000 raided from the United staff Christmas bonus fund. How will he spend the money? It's not just in Manchester where there's north-west unrest. Evertonians want Dyche out, and Liverpool's already paper-thin title chances could suffer a terminal blow if they only beat United by as few as five goals on Sunday. Can the reds avert disaster?
Exciting news, unusually, comes from the League Cup, where the semi-finals will feature referees announcing VAR decisions to the stadium. The transfer window will happen, with some players putting new shirts on for matches and others continuing with their previous outerwear. European leagues will presumably resume at some point after their pathetic declaration of 'winter' finally comes to an end. Some of them will be forced back to work by January European soccer, with Champions League rounds at the back end of the month concluding the Swiss system. Sadly there is no international break this month but I will choose to pretend that there is.
The highlight of the month will be the FA Cup third round, whether you like it or not. There are Thursday cup ties, to really amp up the excitement, with Fulham and Watford taking centre stage. Man City v Salford City seems unlikely to pass without some much-needed Gallagher-Neville banter. The Friday night game sees almost unlimited excitement with Aston Villa taking on West Ham. Ange Postecoglou's thrilling brand of football makes its way to Tamworth, while city slickers Arsenal face a tough test against Amorim's swaggering United. The final tie of the round, fittingly, is Millwall vs Dagenham, with the winner receiving not only a fourth round place but also a filming licence for the next terrible Guy Ritchie film.
Finally, those with more niche interests will be following the world's greatest football competition, the Coupe de France, where Paris St-Germain once again take on a team that doesn't have a wikipedia page.
Enjoy the January football with me (probably without me).