Church
I’ve been going to church recently and I don’t like it. Does anyone here go?
It is the least welcoming place for newcomers I can think of. Like your first time at a football match there are usually signs, your tickets got your seat number on and you can definitely ask a fellow fan what to do without fearing ridicule.
Imagine if you went to the cinema now, for the first time ever, and had no clue what to do. You could ask someone and they’d basically guide you all the way until you was sat down to watch the film.
Church, during a global pandemic? No talking, straight in, sanitise your hands, find a seat, shush. One time we all got told off because too many people were talking the previous week and, y’know, Covid. WE MUST SIT IN COMPLETE SILENCE (EXCEPT TO PRAY) IF WE WISH TO REMAIN OPEN. Stop talking then, dickhead. And can’t we just pray silently? It’s not like God won’t hear us if we don’t randomly exclaim gratitude towards him.
Like the blokes at the front say something and then the crowd collectively say something and it’s in the most dreary voice ever. That’s something that’s always annoyed me actually - Howcome when people read something aloud as a group, they read is so goddamn slow? In church it’s even worse cos if you don’t know what it is they’re saying, there’s no fucking way you can figure it out, cos they’re all drearing each other out, slowly murmuring their brainwashy Borg-like chant. So I don’t join in at all, firstly cos it’s weird but secondly because I couldn’t even if I wanted to cos I’ve no idea what to say or when it’s coming. Bloke at the front talks about dew fall (at first I thought it was a holocaust reference) and then the crowd gurgle back “and under his eye” or something and I’m just sat there like what?
Yeah there’s two blokes at the front. One is a little bitch. Like all he does is pass the main guy stuff, and actually stands and holds this massive book while the other reads it. Proper T-Bag and Tweener vibes. Plus T-Bag wears this fancy cloak while Tweener the bitch is dressed like a baker.
The book he holds up - presumably the bible, but hey who knows - is also the tackiest looking thing imaginable. Picture what Chantelle Houghton might keep her hen party photos in. Towards the end, the main bloke holds up Chantelle’s photo album like he’s actually proud to own it. Then reads some passage but I’ve usually completely switched off by this point. Today instead is listening to him I noticed a banner had been taken down. It was one of the few things I actually liked about church, and it’s gone. It was like a big tapestry thing, hanging on one of the pillars, but inexplicably the picture on it was a hand doing gun fingers. Usually by the time the crowd is being regaled with stories of Chantelle’s stretch limo and butler in the buff adventures, presumably, I’m encouraging my daughter to do the Run The Jewels hand thing. Not this week!
There’s also a bit before it where usually a woman from the crowd goes to the front and reads a story about the bible, but I swear it has no meaningful plot. I can’t remember any past ones but today a man got up instead. Now this man looked and spoke like if Ringo Starr had special needs and was profoundly overweight. His story today was about how someone called Elijah basically bullied a woman to cook his tea. Cheers Ringo, mate, appreciated that.
Another thing I don’t like is the continual use of the phrase “forever and ever.” Forever will do, lads. Considering we’re meant to talk as little as possible, why are you doing that? Forever. Done. Onto the hen do snaps.
I did notice a box that’s on the way into the church that says ‘petitions’ so I reckon I can encourage them to drop the “and ever” from their prayers, and maybe get them to speak a bit faster and maybe fucking tell us what to say and when to say it. There also a pot on the way out for donations so I’ve been dropping in as little as possible every week. This week I got away with 5p but one week the smallest I had was 50p. That went straight in Tweener’s pocket when he was ordered to empty the donations, I reckon.
Today was the worst visit yet though. So normally there’s this part where everyone slowly (everything in church is done slowly, not just the talking) queues up to go to the front and apparently be “blessed” by the main man, while his bitch watches on. Honestly I bet the assistant bloke goes home and boasts about how well attended his service was and how well he did, but won’t let his family come and see him just hold books and meekly roam about in the background like an unwanted stepson.
Anyway, before the queue forms, the man at the front holds up a poppadom like it’s Simba and everyone stares at it for like 10 seconds, not even exaggerating. Then he snaps it perfectly in half somehow, before breaking it into the smaller bits and then we get to watch him eat a bit and take a drink out of a fancy goblet. He even does that “cheers boys” glass tip as if to rub it in that he’s got free booze and we don’t. Then the people at the front know to start queueing.
First time I went, when I didn’t realise talking wasn’t allowed, I asked my wife what was going on and she said when I get to the front, cross my arms across my chest and then I’ll be blessed and can go back to my seat. We always sit at the back so it gave me plenty chance to watch other people do it. Only the kids crossed their arms like that though. The adults did that lame thing substitutes do where they touch their forehead, chest and both shoulders as if it make a cross. Weird, I’ve never understood it. People seem to do it sporadically, completely at random, throughout the whole curds visit. (Some people also curtsy before sitting down. Again, what are you doing? I don’t do either of these things.) But I did as I was told. Queued up, got to the front, cross my arms across me, channeling my inner Arnautovic, and then walk off. Piece of piss. I was getting pretty good at it. But today, something happened.
I no longer pay attention to anyone else while queueing cos I know what to do. I bet newcomers watch me cos I look so confident and copy what I do. I’m the best adult arm crosser there is, easily. So in the queue I spend most of my time making sure my daughter doesn’t get too distracted and forgot to walk forward, or doesn’t accidentally walk into the person in front. We get to the front, and somethings different. My confidence is gone. I’m floundering. T-Bag is giving out pogs.
My daughters a mini Arnautovic too, got the arm crossing nailed on. She usually has them crossed for the entire queuing process, showing off to all the other kids. So she goes first, only today instead of just being “blessed” (waved at) the bloke leans down to her and says “say amen.” She just turns around and looks at me likebut I’m too busy looking at his silver bowl of white pogs to even take her on. He starts saying it again but she just walks off, arms still crossed and is off back to her seat on the benches.
Next thing, geezer’s handing me a pog. It’s not a pog, it’s like a little polystyrene disc. I say “thanks,” completely confused, and walk off, slipping it into my coat pocket as I go. I sit back down and not long after my wife arrives back and I just stare at her, lots of questions going through my head, but I’m NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK.
Eventually when we get back outside she’s like “what’s the matter with you?” and I hold out my loot. WHY HAVE YOU GOT THAT? YOU CANT TAKE COMMUNION! WHY DIDNT YOU CROSS YOURSELF? Oh balls I forgot to even do that. Turns out this thing is bread (not a chance) but I’ve been told it tastes like a flying saucer sweet without the sherbet. Lovely.Everyone else was slyly eating it under their mask as soon as they were given it, but you’re only allowed to eat it if a) you’ve been baptised (I was christened, come at me) and b) you’ve recently been to confession. Nope!
So I’ve got this:
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Might as well give it a go, right?
AMA mates.
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Originally Posted by Gray Fox
