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Thread: Yevrah Sitcom

  1. #1
    heavy like led Dark Soldier's Avatar
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    Yevrah Sitcom

    Following on from Jim's idea, I've had a bash. Its a rough draft but its an idea I can run with.

    Harvey Yevrah or: How I learned to Stop Sweeping and Love the Broom

    INT. YEV'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

    Slow zoom through a side window. Half in view. Kitchen bare. Picture of Thatcher on the side, eyes scratched out. Zoom into Yevrah, dressed head to toe in Supreme. Pouring a large glass of whiskey. He sits.

    YEV:

    "Took my nephew to the park today. Not seen the lad for a few weeks, not since I sent him that picture of my Ronaldo TOTY pull. 'Suck it' and a laughing emoji. Little shit couldn't take it, told his teacher. Dad had a word with me, told me seven year olds are 'still developing'. His dad can't even afford Fifa points for Christ's sake. Works as a chimney sweep, small arms. I still call him 'T-Rex'."

    Yevrah takes a gulp of his whiskey.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "That age I was built for life. We didn't have Fifa back then like, but this little fuck at school came in with a Tamagotchi. We all had 'em. Little eggs with screens and if you didn't feed them they'd die. Brick the thing. Called mine Waddle. This lad though, had a crystalline build. See through, additional buttons. It even had a colour screen. The lad wouldn't stop showing it off, real smug grin on his face. First break, I snatched it from him and executed the most perfect volley right into the back of Mr Arnaud's head. He was our French teacher, incredible temper. Of course he snapped and I pointed to the lad. Detention for weeks. Never eyeballed me again. Last I heard he was doing twenty for trying to drown his wife. Good"

    Second large gulp of whiskey. Concentration screwing on his face.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "So yeah, I took him to the park. Love that park, well taken care of. They've done a little thing for Covid, planted Daffodils to spell out 'We Love You NHS'. All the flowers have died already but its the thought. So we're walking through and I've got him a Starbucks, double espresso, and he's gone off his tits. Running about, not a care in the world. Brings back the old days. Chases this cocker spaniel and it leaps into the river, terrified and we high five. Down towards the play area, lad is buzzing for the swings and I see they've installed a skate park. Waste of taxpayer's money if you ask me, looks like it cost a bomb. Ramps, rails, the works. I grab the lad and drag him towards it. The kids on there are going wild, mashing about at some pelt. One of 'em looks my way and goes over to the others, whispers to 'em, they all point and laugh. I am not having that. Not fucking having it. I'm still with it, Miriam. I may be 40 but I've still got that vigour of youth. I eyeball him and he sniggers. Fucking insolence. 'What ya looking at?' I shout. 'Oi Oi Saville!'. I'm rocking Supreme for fuck's sake. I walk over, making sure my arms swing at a perfect 90 degree rotation. Hunched shoulders. Hurricane. 'You shit yaself Savile'? They all laugh."

    A third gulp of whiskey. The glass is empty.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "I didn't offer you one, love? Where's my manners haha"

    Yevrah pours himself a full glass, and a smaller shot for Miriam. The camera pans out and we see Miriam. She is a broom, a literal broom. He takes her glass and proceeds to pour it towards the broom head. Whiskey pours down the handle and pools on the floor.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "That should grease ya wheels love. Anyway, I'm next to this kid and his mates now. My nephew has bricked it, standing at the gate. No back-up in this family, bunch of wimps. I snatch the skateboard from the cocky one. They all look terrified now, job done. 'I'll fucking show you who's a Savile eh' I shout. They now look confused. I accidentally gob on one when shouting. Its all about appearances. Climb to the top of the largest ramp. Its like a twelve foot sheer drop. Now Miriam, you may not know this but I've played Tony Hawk. All of 'em. Did six million points on The Hangar once. I'd never felt so alive. My nephew is crying now but fuck him, shithoused it. I have the skateboard on the lip and I eyeball the kid again. 'Ya know what they called me in my youth, son?'. 'Mo Lester?'. That fucking does it. I stamp my other foot down on the board and I can see it in my head. 360 kickflips. Nose stall. Might even throw in an invert if my back holds. 'No son, they called me....The Birdman'. I push forward and faceplant twelve feet. Gone. Chipped a fucking tooth."

    Zoom in on Miriam. She is a broom. The light gleens off the whiskey on her handle. Yevrah fist slams the table.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "My newphew says I was out for about four minutes. Chipped a tooth and my ear rings gone to fuck. Came to and the skater kids had taken my wallet. Gonna have to ring the bank in the morning. I tell ya, it was the skateboard's fault. Had a wonky wheel. Looked at my nephew and grabbed his arm, 'We're fucking leaving lad'. Got him some ice cream as we left. Guy behind the counter, as I'm walking away, shouts 'She in ya basement yeah?'. He's keeled over in hysterics. Wanna see what they did?"

    Yev stands up and turns around. On the back of his hoody is graffiti. "I have Maddie". Yev turns and knocks back half the whiskey in one.


    YEV (CONT'D);

    "Its the fucking parents fault. No discipline these days. My back is fucked, love. The world is going to rot, its a tinderbox. I'm the match love. I'll burn this whole shitshow down. None of the kids had masks. I know they don't have to, I didn't either, but its the principal. I have worked my arse off in the homewares industry and these kids don't even have courtesy. No respect for my accomplishments. You, Miriam, you were the best broom I ever built. Crafted you from oak with my own two hands. I fucking love you, babe. You're the pinnacle. Nah Miriam, nah, I'm not pissed love. I mean this. You're the best thing that's ever..."

    Camera pans out. We see a rat scuttle out of the cupboard.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "Fuckin' hell, another rat. Sixth this week and its only Wednesday. I'm sorry love, I'm sorry but I gotta do it. Come here, you know I don't want to hurt you, but come here."

    Yev grabs Miriam and grips her violently. One motion and he smashes her head onto the rat. Several times. The rat is dead. Miriam's head is broken from its handle.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "Love I'm...I didn't mean to love I'm sorry. I'll get you a new head tomorrow, I swear. Speak to me. You know I never wanna hurt you. It'll be the best head, you want soft bristles? Soft bristles it is. Come here. Yeah, yeah I agree. Let's cuddle, I'll put Fifa on. We can open packs love, just you and me. Why are you so sticky?"

    Yev takes Miriam in his arms and grabs his whiskey. Walks into the living room and boots up the Xbox. He is holding Miriam tight.

    YEV (CONT'D):

    "Tomorrow love, I swear. Never again. You'll look beautiful, I promise. We can pack Messi tonight. No matter how much it costs. These kids, love. No respect, none at all."

    The camera pans out. A tear rolls down Yev's cheek as light blares from the TV screen. The camera pans further out, through the living room window and through the window in the house across, past a woman who is stood watching Yev. The camera stops.

    AMY:

    "He's at it again. He just looks so vulnerable, Harold. So fragile. Like a flower in bloom. He's holding the broom handle tonight, the head's gone. Its almost a poetic metaphor, Harold. The broom is him. Have you seen his eyes? Course you haven't. They've seen things. He's looking thin too, he needs a meal. I'm gonna cook a stir fry and leave it on his doorstep. Wouldn't that be sweet, Harold?"

    Amy takes a glug of her large gin and tonic. The camera pans out further and we see Harold at the table. Harold is a wok. A large wok.

    AMY (CONT'D):

    "I'm gonna have to use you tonight, Harold. I know you don't like the heat, but I'll wash you in the best liquid. Fairy if you want, Lemon Zest. You love Lemon Zest. I love you, Harold, but my heart belongs to another."

    Amy places her hand on her window, in the direction of Yevrah. The screen fades to black.
    Last edited by Dark Soldier; 23-07-2021 at 12:51 PM.

  2. #2
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    Not quite what I had in mind.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    DS you legend.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Turning up as soon as WDYTOE season begins. Classic.

  5. #5
    I used to be funny.
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    It’s basically Marion and Geoff without the driving.

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    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Senior Member 7om's Avatar
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    Brilliant

  8. #8
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Has anyone got Leonardo Dicaprio's phone number?

  9. #9
    heavy like led Dark Soldier's Avatar
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    I had Stephen Graham down for Yev. Pauline Quirke for Amy.

  10. #10
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    I'd be played by John Simm or that Doctor Who Chap, Amy would be played by Angelina Jolie. She really is quite fit. Problem is, she lives with her boyfriend.

    Didn't see that plot twist coming, did you fuckers.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Love it. Vibes like a fucked up Alan Bennett.

    'I'm rocking Supreme, for fuck's sake' produced the biggest lol.

  12. #12
    I used to be funny.
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    "Harold is a wok. A large wok." Nice twist. Could turn it into a real anthology. Mahow with his chat rooms, Jimmy with his Llama, etc.

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