Do we have one of these threads?
I was sitting with my little one last night, just before bedtime and just finished reading a story.
She was on my lap facing towards me, having a cuddle and she looked up at me lovingly, yawned then projectile fucking vomited all over me 4 times. It was like the fucking exorcist, big chunks of carrot and mince.
I was in on my own as well so I just sat there for a good 5 minutes before summoning the strength to move and run a bath.
Brutal.
I've just been invited to a 1st birthday party. 'Soft play area available'. I don't know who the hell they think I am.
Two words to strike fear into any man.
At least you won't have a kid there so don't have to get involved.
You can just stay at the back and try not to feel like a sex offender.
That gave me a good lol, thanks Adamski.
A 1st birthday party?
So it'll be populated almost entirely by people who either don't know what's going on or don't care because they're only there out of politeness.
He's since texted me an explanation saying he's inviting a few of us who have 'made the effort to visit'. I was visiting him, his baby just happened to be there. Christ, life is like this now isn't it. Shoot me.
They don't have any friends at that age so we just invited our friends who have kids and our friends who didn't. The friends with kids disappear pretty early and the rest of us (baby included) got smashed.Originally Posted by Disco
Became an Uncle yesterday. Looking forward to meeting the nameless lad. Aye, they not only wanted the sex to be a surprise but also forgot to come up with names in advance.
Yep. Of my main group of friends there's only two couple (us and another) who don't have kids yet. I reckon I've got about 1-2 years of #freedom before it's on like Donkey Kong. I'm pretty much ready now, so not too fussed if it happens.
My little one has/had reflux so projectile vomiting was pretty common until recently. She has got it in my mouth twice so far.
We won't be having any. The fact neither of us really likes them is outweighing the need for someone to wipe your chin when you're old.
I reckon I could have done with another year (we got pregnant 6 weeks after the delayed honeymoon) but can't really complain.
We've had limited sick, that was by far the worst.
Chicken pox at 7 months wasn't great.
I'm Godfather to my best mate's two kids. They've definitely changed my mind about having kids, plus if I knock up a tall lass I can live out my missed opportunities through my son. Seriously, though, I've learnt a lot from slowly having to put right the shit job my parents did. I reckon in 10 years I'll be ready. I'll be an old dad at 36, but I doubt its that far from the average these days.
2 1/2 month old girl. Think we've been pretty lucky to this point; she's not that sicky, now regularly sleeps through the night. Think poo explosions are the worst we have to deal with, so making the most of it at the moment, as I'm sure there will be bigger hurdles along the road.
Been really lucky with sleeping too.
7pm-7am 99% of the time since she was born.
My boss's kid is a year old, still breastfed so he's up multiple times a night. God only knows how they do it.
Best part about having kids is surely picking the name. My wife and I talk about names a fair bit but only because I bring it up when I think of a top one. So far she's ruled out Murray, Buck, Ram, Baz Jr, Earl, and more I've forgot. We agreed on Arthur but she soon changed her mind when I insisted on Slice as a middle name. Working on it though.
As for girls names, my jizz is too masculine to even waste time thinking about it. If she cheats and gets banged up by a gay man and I agree to father the bastard, she will be called Cricket or Sweet Adeline.
My mate had a kid in September and he was already pillow soft (ayo Sincere) since he met his now-wife (who another mate originally fingered on a lads holiday and shagged her when we came home, but I've told that story before) but it's become excruciating since the baby came along. We have a group message with eight of us to sort out important stuff like day seshes and nights out, and I text the other day asking who was going to a surprise 30th tonight. Soft lad with the kid replied: 'Us.' Us! Read: my wife and child are bringing me but leaving my bollocks at home, or possibly in the wife's handbag. It's especially annoying because his wife is actually quite entertaining but now she is just a mum, and has no interest in being anything else, so she's boring.
The lad who's 30th it is is expecting with his wife, and one of my wife's mates (her only good one, but she's cool so makes up for the rest of the twats) is also pregnant. I've had the "you'll be next" patter but I very much doubt it. I'm friends with two others who were married last year (like all the cool kids, ayo Kiko & CJ (& wullie?)) and they'll probably at least get pregnant before the years out, so it wouldn't be the end of the world except for one thing: I hate kids. Despise them. They're disgusting. The fact that they drool ERRYWHERE for the first two years of their life is enough to put me off ever having unprotected sex tbh.
I'm a twit
You're married as well?!
Also, if you're going to have Slice as a middle name your first name has to be Kimbo.
Arthur Slice has more longevity. And yeah, not see all the pics on Facebook?
I'm a twit
I've got a Kimbo Slice t-shirt, and from experience at festivals I can assure you people won't be forgetting Kimbo Slice any time soon.Arthur Slice has more longevity. And yeah, not see all the pics on Facebook?
I don't really look at my news feed. I'll have a look once I get my account back.
I think I've got two years before she wants go time. Can't imagine bringing a kid up in London so it'll mean either we can suddenly afford a decent house or we're in another country.
Mine pissed in my bed when I was away, must have been that cosy and comfy using my spring pillow, 400 thread count Egyptian cotton bedding and goose feather quilt. This resulted in us sleeping on two shitey zed beds in the living room for 2 nights until the mattress dried out. I use the term 'sleeping' in it's loosest possible sense. Fun times.
Only 400? You poor sap.
Humble brag.
I use 400 for winter and 200 for summer.
£70 quid for a 1000 thread count fitted sheet.
£40 for a single pillowcase.
£210 for the duvet cover. Lol.
I'm on 500 for pillow with 800 on sheet and duvet.
Those 1000 count prices are fucking mental.
We were at the Highland wildlife park in December. It was pissing it down as we were watching the Amur tiger feed. The keeper asked if anyone had any questions. There were about 12 of us and nobody asked. Then my little girl said she had one. It was:
"The tigers have stripes on their bodies, why is that?"
I was like WOAH. That's some decent investigative questioning right there. She's only 4.
5:15 human alarm clock every day for the last 6.
I love you but for fucks sake.
You have a kid mate, we get it.
I note your kid posts have died down a bit now.
I can only assume she's become a bit more self cognitive.
Self cognitive
Oh God, has Dr Nick got a PHD in this as well?
Beats the canine alarm clock in our house, tbh.
I wake around they time every morning anyway and I'm brat free.
Not to rub it in but I got a lie in until 6:45 today (and she slept through).
Took the little one to a 'Soft Play' today which had 2 fucking birthday parties. It was a nightmare, although Custards nonce cousin would have loved the ball pit.
In sleeping news - I am so used to getting barely any sleep that it hardly matters if she wakes at 5 or 7. She's teething at the moment so sleep has been broken for a good month or so now.
Mine has been an incredible sleeper from day dot.
Aye she's slept straight through from about 2 months so I can't really complain. I say she's getting up at 5:15 but she's still going down at 7:15.
Cause you're a boring bastard.Mine has been an incredible sleeper from day dot.
No because I'm not a retard like you.
Talk us through an airport.
Talk us though parenting.
She slept for 10.5 hours and doesn't live in Dundee. Next.
Better than Govanhill.
Anyone do 'cry it out' technique with their little one? Aka self soothing.
Sometimes I cry it out.
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