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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #6251
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Never seen it.
    I'm a twit

  2. #6252
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    Quote Originally Posted by SvN View Post
    We had a new guy start in August as a designer. He's got plenty of experience, but his work was very "good, not great". But there was enough there to suggest he could become very good with the right guidence.

    3 months later he's absolutely hopeless. His work is abysmal, and he works at a snail's pace. He's also got a really wierd habbit of sending instant messages over Discord as if they were an email - including a "Kind regards" sign off on every message. After a few days of seeing how the rest of us communicate, I thought he would've realised by now. What makes it worse is that he seems to spend between 5 and 10 minutes typing these messages out every time you ask him a simple question.

    He had his review 2 weeks ago where I outlined all of the ways he was underperforming, but he's getting worse, if anything. He's somehow managed to get even slower, to the point where a client has complained to me this morning. Sadly, he's going to have to go.

    He's a nice enough guy, but the sort of personality that I couldn't be around socially for more than 5 minutes. Think Ned Flanders with a Brummie accent.
    Sounds anxious.

  3. #6253
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Good news from the big boss this morning. The milk deliveries have been cancelled and from now on we will be using powdered milk for our tea and coffee.

  4. #6254
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Is powdered milk a bit grim?

    It sounds like it'd be a bit grim.

  5. #6255
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    It has no cooling properties unlike milk so it's very grim.

  6. #6256
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    Straight from fresh to powdered with no UHT stop in between? Brutal. Unless you were already consigned to UHT, which probably makes the move less of a blow.

  7. #6257
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Very Margaret Thatcher. They'll be coming for the Bitcoin Miners next.

  8. #6258
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Straight from fresh to powdered. Apparently it's not a cost thing, he dislikes the aesthetic of having milk containers around.

    I always find this sort of thing remarkable from any boss. What does it achieve other than making them hate you? 'No, Smithers, make them drink the shittest milk on the market'.

  9. #6259
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    Powdered milk? Fucking hell.

    I assume you'll be reinstating actual milk when you're running the show Jim? So on the plus side they've set you up for an instant win with the troops.

  10. #6260
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Aren't you keeping milk in a fridge? Why are containers lying around?

  11. #6261
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    he dislikes the aesthetic of having milk containers around.
    Continuing the Mr Burns theme, are you sure this isn't a "shave those sideburns" moment? Because this seems extremely odd.

  12. #6262
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    "I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THOSE MILK CARTONS! YOU'RE FIRED!"

    If it's genuinely not a cost-cutting measure he's just not fessing up to them lol.

  13. #6263
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SvN View Post
    Aren't you keeping milk in a fridge? Why are containers lying around?
    There are crates that the bottles come in, which are kept in the corner of the kitchen and then get taken away again with the empty bottles inside.

    Beyond the pale/pail, obviously.

  14. #6264
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    You going to take in your own milk in a disposable plastic bottle or water bottle?

    Or just accept it out of spite.

    Total dick move though, literally a “I don’t give a shit about your welfare scenario” but I suppose most public roles wouldn’t provide that stuff (teachers, council etc) just annoying you had it and lost it.

  15. #6265
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    We sure he's not just trying to save his cretinous staff from themselves? Bad enough killing the fucking planet but at least do it for the sake of a porridge, not to ruin a cup of tea.

  16. #6266
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    Knew it wouldn't be long before a black tea earl grey and lemon wanker rolled in.

  17. #6267
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    My guy came in with the lemon too. Verified don

  18. #6268
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    Powdered milk, I had it once while visiting an ancient relative and it was quite terrible. Our work still supplies tea, coffee, milk and different flavours of cordial (diluting juice to the knuckle draggers).

  19. #6269
    Senior Member igor_balis's Avatar
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    All the eastern European shops here have random imported UHT milk brands. I understand being homesick and the way British immigrants in Spain stick to Carling and fry ups, but some fella from Lodz eschewing full fat or semi-skimmed and insisting on getting the Laciate mleko from the Polski Sklep must be a symptom of some sort of brain injury.

  20. #6270
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lofty View Post
    Yeah that's bollocks, she sounds thicker than our fit grad girl from a while back who was genuinely an idiot coasting on her attractiveness. She once took a call and decided to spell something using phonetics for clarity, except she didn't know phonetics (literally a daily usage in our industry, a tested requirement in some roles) so just freestyled it, much to the amusement of those around her. N for Netflix and S for Simpsons were highlights.
    This girl is about to be made manager of a major UK railway station somehow.

  21. #6271
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    S for Seething.

  22. #6272
    The Artist Formerly Known as Taz
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    "Oh, but she used Netflix for N."

    Fuck off, you gammon.

    No but seriously, linkage.

  23. #6273
    I used to be funny.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lofty View Post
    This girl is about to be made manager of a major UK railway station somehow.
    York won't know what hit it. 9/11 with trains.

  24. #6274
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by igor_balis View Post
    All the eastern European shops here have random imported UHT milk brands. I understand being homesick and the way British immigrants in Spain stick to Carling and fry ups, but some fella from Lodz eschewing full fat or semi-skimmed and insisting on getting the Laciate mleko from the Polski Sklep must be a symptom of some sort of brain injury.
    Laciate mleko is horrendous too.

  25. #6275
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    I actually prefer the long life milk to fresh.

  26. #6276
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    First day back and this



  27. #6277
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggles View Post
    First day back and this


    Ouch. Still, could be worse. You could think this is a fair position:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kikó View Post
    I actually prefer the long life milk to fresh.
    What have Ze Germanz done to my boy?

  28. #6278
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    That's just proof he's a wrongun.

  29. #6279
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manc View Post
    The master plan of lolling my way to an early retirement has hit a bump in the road. Passed up for an interview for a job I was odds on to secure. My rep may not recover.
    I'm back in the game.

  30. #6280
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Terrible time of year to be forced into prostitution.

  31. #6281
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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  32. #6282
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    S for Seething.
    L for Lol, wouldn't be doing that shit it's stress city. Unless you're too thick to get stressed. The unsuccessful candidates though

  33. #6283
    Administrator Kikó's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Ouch. Still, could be worse. You could think this is a fair position:



    What have Ze Germanz done to my boy?
    I liked it before Germany. It lasts longer and it lets you stock up. I'm more of an alternative milk hipster anyway so no real difference.

  34. #6284
    Senior Member igor_balis's Avatar
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    Tbf as I just open my hatch and pour down my coffee in 10 seconds most mornings, switching to skimmed or just making happy shopper instant cooled down with tap water would probably be a sensible calorie and money save, but I prefer to hold onto the dream of waking up more than 30 minutes before I leave the house and luxuriously savouring my morning coffee.

  35. #6285
    Senior Member Manc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    Terrible time of year to be forced into prostitution.
    DM for rates xxx

  36. #6286
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by igor_balis View Post
    Tbf as I just open my hatch and pour down my coffee in 10 seconds most mornings, switching to skimmed or just making happy shopper instant cooled down with tap water would probably be a sensible calorie and money save, but I prefer to hold onto the dream of waking up more than 30 minutes before I leave the house and luxuriously savouring my morning coffee.
    Could you not bring it with you?

  37. #6287
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I've tried all sorts of morning routines involving better coffee, but ultimately (at least in an office job requiring a relentless daily 8.30 start on site and unpredictable SW London traffic) have accepted that an extra half hour's sleep trumps them all. As such the move to powdered milk hits even harder.

  38. #6288
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Manc View Post
    DM for rates xxx
    Have you gone up then? Fucking Brexit.

  39. #6289
    Senior Member igor_balis's Avatar
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    About a year ago, my boss and a colleague (both middle aged women without much grasp of technology) went to another charity and were shown this demo of this scanner software , which theoretically makes processing cheque donations faster and more accurate.

    They paid 30k for it, and it slowly dawned on them that it's basically not fit for purpose for our forms, cus ours have far more variance, whereas the other charity used largely uniform ones, so the scanning fields work regardless of the form. A distinction that wasn't picked up before they dropped thirty grand on it, cus you know, it's like if your mum went to have a look.

    I was in a different mini department so only knew in vague details of the situation, but it's now my remit to use this software and it's absolutely fucking useless. They had a previous system that was ten times more efficient, but obviously we're being made to use this piece of shit , because my boss doesn't want to get a bollocking for buying snake oil. The only plus side is that I've figured out a way to make it a lot more efficient and less shit in the two weeks I've been using it, but it begs the question of what the fuck my mate was doing when he was on that process for 9 months (which must have included about ten hours or so of Teams calls with the technician from the software company).

    At least after the best part of a decade in full time employment, I finally have a non-bullshit answer for those "give an example of a time you have thought outside the box/improved something in your job" competency questions when I apply for a job somewhere else.

  40. #6290
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Do these time-saving, money-saving mega contraptions ever actually work?

    Over the last year we have changed from using work mobile phones for calls, to using a headset connected to the computer. It's shit. Terrible lag, robotic voices, constantly cutting out. Shit.

    We've also changed our payment system so that people have to type their card details into their phone rather than just fucking reading them to me. That's horseshit too. It takes about 2 minutes just to connect to the fucking thing, which is a long time to listen to sighing, huffing and repeated "is it ready?" questions.

    Just leave things alone.

    See? Told you I was old.

  41. #6291
    Senior Member igor_balis's Avatar
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    I think they can, but from experience the way companies decide to go with them is based largely on dopey managers having a budget to spend and getting charmed by some salesperson, without any proper consideration of the practical implementation. The managers usually don't have any understanding of the processes they're supposed to oversee (and yeah fair enough, you're paid to manage, not to do the actual donkey work), but you'd think it might help to, you know, consult the people who actually do the stuff.

  42. #6292
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Those sorts of changes are just managers trying to do something to justify their jobs.

  43. #6293
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    We actually have the opposite issue at our spot where a former employee who wasn't great at the job but was an excel whizz made a program to make life easier. He foolishly did it all with company computers on company time so despite him losing the battle to adopt it officially (and him get paid for it) the program still exists and is used by us today. He has since gone to a consultancy company and made a super duper official version that he keeps trying to sell us for £50k (presumably to licence it for 12 months) but the resistance from our old hand managers is strong.

  44. #6294
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Those sorts of changes are just managers trying to do something to justify their jobs.
    And their budgets.

  45. #6295
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    We've also changed our payment system so that people have to type their card details into their phone rather than just fucking reading them to me. That's horseshit too. It takes about 2 minutes just to connect to the fucking thing, which is a long time to listen to sighing, huffing and repeated "is it ready?" questions.
    That's a security compliance thing because then you're not able to see the customer's payment details in full so reduces the risk from scams. It should work better, but the concept is solid

  46. #6296
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raoul Duke View Post
    That's a security compliance thing because then you're not able to see the customer's payment details in full so reduces the risk from scams. It should work better, but the concept is solid
    It is. The system is shit though. At my old work you just forwarded them onto an automated system to pay and off they fucked. I'm sure that was shit too, but I didn't have to hear about it so it was all gravy, baby (so fucking old).

  47. #6297
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    The boss (the boss) has been back to see one of the customers we visited on the Spanish road trip (Antonio, our biggest customer). Apparently they've had a massive bust-up which resulted in the Spaniard's Dutch sales rep waving his papers in the air and shouting. The boss then rang me and said 'That Dutchman is a cunt' before ringing off again immediately.

    I have had some interesting realisations from this whole sequence of events. The British, as a race, are all about commerce and expansion. It's how we built an empire and it's how we're still pretty relevant in the world. Our ambition is essentially limitless. If we do £100,000 a year with this guy, our culture absolutely demands that next year we strain to expand that to £125,000. Growth, for us, is everything - we are not happy with standing still. In short, we are indeed a nation of shopkeepers, as Napoleon said. It is not enough just to do business; we must do more business than previously. When we go for job interviews, we don't get asked about how efficiently we did our jobs; we get asked about whether and how we increased sales, expanded horizons, broke into new markets. Last year the boss did £2 million; this year the Big Boss has demanded that he absolutely must do £2.25 million or else why is he even bothering.

    For Antonio, in the hills of Almeria, doing more business is not a good idea. In fact, it's an idea he hates, because he is Spanish and rather than living in this culture of constant expansion he lives in a culture where stability is just excellent, thank you. His business turns over a certain amount. It knows how to do that amount of business and has the people who can maintain it. When the English come to him demanding expansion, he is naturally uncomfortable. He ignores emails. He brushes off phone calls. The boss tries to manipulate him into saying he'll do an extra £50,000 next year; Antonio bristles and says he'll do £20,000, but really he means he doesn't want to expand at all. His son and sister work for him. Money comes in. Their lives are fine. Why take risks? Por qué complicar la vida?

    About 50% of my job at the moment is trying to bridge this cultural divide, explaining to the boss why Antonio won't expand, and simultaneously explaining to Antonio why he absolutely must expand. It's basically an impossible task.

  48. #6298
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Those sorts of changes are just managers trying to do something to justify their jobs.
    That's it. When performance review time comes, you cannot just say "things are running fine, so I let them be." They have to say "I implemented x and transformed y" and so on. I see it with provosts/deans all the time. Useless initiative after useless initiative just so they can put them on their cvs and jump to an even higher paying job elsewhere.

  49. #6299
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    This sort of attitude is why I'll never be a millionaire but I think I'm broadly with Antonio. I know fine well there is a point in my line of work where the extra money that would come with promotion is going to come with extra responsibility and hassle that I simply can't be arsed with and if I had a business that was keeping me comfortable I doubt I'd have the drive to be going "Well how much work would I need to put in to make an extra 10%?"

  50. #6300
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Traitor.

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