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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #3751
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Work was given 2 hours notice that they’ll be in charge of all the phone calls related to contract tracking and tracing. Thankfully I’m considered too vital in my usual duties to be one of the mugs speaking to people on the phone offering advice and whatever other shite they’ll be doing.

    I’ve never loved invoices more.
    I'm a twit

  2. #3752
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    That's a massive bullet dodged. That must be the only job worse than Shinners one.

  3. #3753
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    Shinners is so enthusiastic about it too getting personally attached.

    Commendable and yet absolutely baffling.

    Arsed being someone phoning someone and asking them to lock themselves up for 14 day, mid summer.

  4. #3754
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    When you put it like that it sounds like there's massive scope for scamming people you don't like.

  5. #3755
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    What seems to have happened with us is that our parent unit however many miles away has come up with a space vs staff formula for its own building, which is one of those open-plan, New Labour spaces full of timewasters and useless women who can work from home, and then applied it across the board. The pass-the-responsibility meeting on that one must have been impressive.

  6. #3756
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Month's figures are in, my territories achieved 8% GROWTH on May 2019. It's like Greece winning the Euros, if this doesn't get recognition at the end of the year they can go fuck themselves.

    Meanwhile, 81 year old chairman has flown to Milan

  7. #3757
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    Didn't feel he was exposing himself to enough Coronavirus here?

  8. #3758
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Just been invited to participate in an eight minute moment of silence (for the 100,000 covid deaths + that lad who was killed by a cop) via Zoom.

  9. #3759
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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    Eight minutes?

    Firstly that's a seriously long time to be silent, secondly why 8?

  10. #3760
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    I don't know.

  11. #3761
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Please join a moment of silence with [Dean of Engineering] No audio and no video. The meeting will last 8 minutes.
    Maybe it is some sort of test.

  12. #3762
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    How does that constitute a 'meeting'?

  13. #3763
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Lol

  14. #3764
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yevrah View Post
    Didn't feel he was exposing himself to enough Coronavirus here?
    His daughter lives there, it's his 82nd at some point in June and he wants to be with the family, or, to put it more accurately, he wants the family to be with him.

    Absolute loon.

  15. #3765
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    'No audio and no video' hahahaha.

    That's done me in. What cunt thought that up and what is the point?

  16. #3766
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Team building? Fuck knows.

  17. #3767
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    His daughter lives there, it's his 82nd at some point in June and he wants to be with the family, or, to put it more accurately, he wants the family to be with him.

    Absolute loon.
    I feel like in any other situation this geezer would be a classic national hero, like the seventy-seven year old I work with who planned to commute in on his motorbike if they asked him to stay off the train.

  18. #3768
    I used to be funny.
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    He's dying of natural causes. Heroic.

  19. #3769
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Someone in our warehouse was un-furloughed on Friday and came back in this morning.

    Got to 10.45 before he was phoned by a contact tracer and told to self-isolate for 7 days

  20. #3770
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    The fact that part time furloughing is allowed in a month is going to be brilliant, and I'm delighted they brought the date forward.

  21. #3771
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    One of my colleagues is back in this morning for 1 week (he will then be off for the rest of the month), which apparently is allowed under terms of the furlough. I haven't read them but presume our MD has if he's done that.

    Lazy fucker still doesn't answer the phone.

  22. #3772
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Someone in our warehouse was un-furloughed on Friday and came back in this morning.

    Got to 10.45 before he was phoned by a contact tracer and told to self-isolate for 7 days
    Superb.

  23. #3773
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Someone in our warehouse was un-furloughed on Friday and came back in this morning.

    Got to 10.45 before he was phoned by a contact tracer and told to self-isolate for 7 days


    Has the old man taken it predictably well? Or is he too busy necking Prosecco in Rome or wherever he went?

  24. #3774
    Senior Member Disco's Avatar
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    I was spot on with our methodology for bringing people back, it's just after one director is sufficiently (ie even vaguely) inconvenienced by covering their work.

    And by covering I mean mostly ignoring.

  25. #3775
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I don't think the old man cares about warehouse people, they are scum beneath his level. With me, he knows who I am but doesn't always remember my name (the company is only like 50/60 people, so he probably should).

  26. #3776
    Senior Member mugbull's Avatar
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    How easy would it be for this worker to have had his friend call him posing as a contact tracer and get a free extra week off?

  27. #3777
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    Someone in our warehouse was un-furloughed on Friday and came back in this morning.

    Got to 10.45 before he was phoned by a contact tracer and told to self-isolate for 7 days
    If he tests positive has that they fucked the entire company onto isolation?

  28. #3778
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mugbull View Post
    How easy would it be for this worker to have had his friend call him posing as a contact tracer and get a free extra week off?
    Probably quite easy. I just heard him go in and tell his boss.

  29. #3779
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    That's superb.

  30. #3780
    Senior Member Andy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mugbull View Post
    How easy would it be for this worker to have had his friend call him posing as a contact tracer and get a free extra week off?
    The track and trace people send an isolation form for your employer and chances are he will just get sick pay.

  31. #3781
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    One of my colleagues is back in this morning for 1 week (he will then be off for the rest of the month), which apparently is allowed under terms of the furlough. I haven't read them but presume our MD has if he's done that.

    Lazy fucker still doesn't answer the phone.
    Three weeks is the minimum time someone can furloughed, but there's no minimum time betweeen furlough periods. I brought back an admin person for 3 days to bring the books up to date and send out a few invoices.

  32. #3782
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    We've had an absolute shambles this week.

    One of my colleagues was brought back for a week (as above) to reduce the pressure on me. Obviously, once he was here the managers all liked that he was here (it's become evident in this period how much the lazy commission earning twats rely on us salarymen to actually do any work), and last night the decision was taken by MD in the office to keep him on for the rest of the month. MD informed me, and I said I was glad as having him around takes the pressure off me.

    Fast forward to this morning, and the decision has been reversed. Yes, that's right, El Presidente has phoned in from his fucking villa and said that the furlough stays, thus completely undermining his own managing director and putting me back in the shit on my own. Oh well, I'm kind of used to it by now.

  33. #3783
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    LOL so the leasing companies have rocketed the cost of HYBRIDs since April and the new tax laws came out as the demand is so high. That means you can pick up pretty sweet cars for a low monthly cost because nobody wants them due to such high BIK rates but the eco cars are expensive as fuck. So only senior management and directors, yes the highest paid guys, have it in their bands. Fucking RACKET.

  34. #3784
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    I think next time you're changing company you should let us help you choose a prospective employer. You seem to have a knack for choosing nutters of one variety or another.

    EDIT: Out the way, Magic.

  35. #3785
    I used to be funny.
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    DWP's approved our automation trials.

  36. #3786
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    New school rota came out yesterday morning, giving me two days notice to organise child care. Twats.

  37. #3787
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Did you see in Scotland the summer holidays next year is when they're going to make up for lost days this year? We're taking to the streets lads.

  38. #3788
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    What seems to have happened with us is that our parent unit however many miles away has come up with a space vs staff formula for its own building, which is one of those open-plan, New Labour spaces full of timewasters and useless women who can work from home, and then applied it across the board. The pass-the-responsibility meeting on that one must have been impressive.
    In addition to this, they have decided that the two metre rule is an iron law, rather than just guidance, so we can only have so many people in in case two of us need the toilet (or want to use the kitchen, use the same corridor, etc.) at once and can't agree to take turns. Consequently, they will be rotating us in and out on certain days as not to exceed whatever formula they have to adhere to.

  39. #3789
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    What happens when HMG change it to 1m in a couple of weeks' time?

  40. #3790
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    They'll probably spend about six weeks adjusting the formula.

  41. #3791
    Senior Member Lofty's Avatar
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    I think your experience of actually performing against the odds is going to be the story in a fair few places, apparently my wife's work is actually beating last year's figures despite the majority of the workforce being furloughed. Think that bodes ill for the furloughed though.

  42. #3792
    Webly Ian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    In addition to this, they have decided that the two metre rule is an iron law, rather than just guidance, so we can only have so many people in in case two of us need the toilet (or want to use the kitchen, use the same corridor, etc.) at once and can't agree to take turns. Consequently, they will be rotating us in and out on certain days as not to exceed whatever formula they have to adhere to.
    I like to imagine they've roped off safe walking paths around the whole office with a one-way system, etc.

  43. #3793
    I used to be funny.
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    Open plan offices should make that easy, to be fair. Our team now only has four people in.

  44. #3794
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    https://www.gov.uk/tax-relief-for-em...orking-at-home

    Work have shared this link in the Teams chat. Does it mean I'll get some free money after all this?
    I'm a twit

  45. #3795
    Fuck like you cook.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baz View Post
    https://www.gov.uk/tax-relief-for-em...orking-at-home

    Work have shared this link in the Teams chat. Does it mean I'll get some free money after all this?


    Social care workers being given £500 extra in Wales, tax relief for those working from home, furloughed workers being able to take second jobs, grants for businesses that didn't even earn as much as said grant......fml.



    I got £200 something off the job centre. That's a months wage apparently. Sickening.

  46. #3796
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    Swish

  47. #3797
    DEATH TO THE WEIRD Raoul Duke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lofty View Post
    I think your experience of actually performing against the odds is going to be the story in a fair few places, apparently my wife's work is actually beating last year's figures despite the majority of the workforce being furloughed. Think that bodes ill for the furloughed though.
    https://www.theguardian.com/books/20...graeber-review

    Bring on UBI

  48. #3798
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    What happens (and I'm watching this unravel in real time in my workplace) is they realise that the fewer people you have, the more 'productivity' there is per person.

    The most useless bloke in my team I really can't see getting back at the end of this. In a sense it's deserved, because he's fucking useless, but then why was he employed in the first place?

  49. #3799
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raoul Duke View Post
    That bullshit is never happening. Not that any of us will ever see anyway.

  50. #3800
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    What happens (and I'm watching this unravel in real time in my workplace) is they realise that the fewer people you have, the more 'productivity' there is per person.

    The most useless bloke in my team I really can't see getting back at the end of this. In a sense it's deserved, because he's fucking useless, but then why was he employed in the first place?
    This happened after the recession too, they'll be fucked for 5 years whilst the good employees boost business. More staff required to deliver the boom and thus the fuckwit army come back with a vengeance.

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