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Thread: The All New Jobs Thread

  1. #901
    I used to be funny.
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    Yeah, be Mike.

  2. #902
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    Go to the interview high on the marijuana so that when you get the job they just think that's how you normally are so you can get high every day before work and no one will ever suspect a thing!

  3. #903
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Ha. I’ve never been high in my life tho.

    Real talk: shall I lie about pulling a sickie?
    I'm a twit

  4. #904
    I used to be funny.
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    Depends how you spin it. You won't be the first person to do that and you might really, really want that job.

  5. #905
    Isn't he banned? Baz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shindig View Post
    Depends how you spin it. You won't be the first person to do that and you might really, really want that job.
    I would like the job or else I wouldn’t go for an interview but I feel like “do your current employers know where you are today?” is likely to be asked, and saying no dey fink I’m sick lol could reflect badly on me. And god knows if it’ll affect my reference, should they end up needing one.
    I'm a twit

  6. #906
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    That will not be asked. They won't care. And even if they do, then the answer is I said I had a dentist appointment.

  7. #907
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    ‘No, it’s my off day’.

  8. #908
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    Back offshore.

    Didn't get my extra pay in this months payslip either

  9. #909
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    This morning in my 'training' I fixed one small thing that didn't work on Friday then spent the rest of the day doing nothing as the other guy in training with me faffed about doing his task for ages.

  10. #910
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    My boss is away tomorrow for 3 weeks so it's going to be a cunt of a time. At least it's a holiday weekend coming up.

  11. #911
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    I was in today, am in tomorrow then not back until Monday after next

    Longest time I've been off work since I got this stupid job 2 years ago.

    Going Edinburgh on Sunday for a week, but I'm almost more excited for four days of doing nothing except wanking, sleeping and watching England India test.

  12. #912
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Both of our managers have been away all week, and then when the line manager had a day off as well it was like the last day of term.

  13. #913
    Administrator SvN's Avatar
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    So having lived in Southampton for 4 years, I'm now coming round to the idea that I need to move back closer to the business. 2 or 3 days a week simply isn't enough time to spend in the office. I feel like as things have been getting busier the last 6 months, work has suffered because of my proximity, and that has never happened before. I've had to reschedule meetings, skip some entirely because we couldn't arrange it on a day I was in, and in at least once instance, lost potentially lucrative work because I had to delegate a meeting to someone who wasn't really equipped to deal with it.

    I'm thinking that it's probably a year away, but I guess I need to start planting the seeds now. My wife won't be too happy, but has always said she'll be supportive if I decide that I need to move back up. At least a pint will be a bit cheaper.

  14. #914
    I used to be funny.
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    Looks like they're pushing for people to work from home again. I'm up for it now that I haven't got a permanent spot in the office.

  15. #915
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    One of the new girls at work just said “You should do mentoring or something, you’re wise and the youth would really relate to you”.

    I’ve just been called old.

  16. #916
    Bookie Sir Andy Mahowry's Avatar
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  17. #917
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Add her on Faceparty.

  18. #918
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    Start properly tomorrow. Terrified.

  19. #919
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    I'm also supposed to start tomorrow, but my work authorization has not arrived yet.

  20. #920
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    Jesus, what a day. It is meant to be me, another first year doctor and two second year doctors covering the ward. We had no F2s today - on our first day - for some reason (someone said they had inductions but surely nobody would be retarded enough to arrange it like that, right?). Also ALL our bloods which were taken yesterday got lost and we had to do them all again. It was brutal.

  21. #921
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    A friend in London was the only doctor on her ward today. No consultant, no registrar, no F2. She had to do her own ward round on her first day.

    But nah mate, Lee says it doesn't happen.

  22. #922
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Admins having no clue? Unpossible.

  23. #923
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Someone keeps creating new accounts going across everything we've done posting 'Bill Clinton The Rapist' and YouTube doesn't allow you to backdate turning comments off. It's a good time.

  24. #924
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    I've also had to spend several days sucking up to that Eurovision song contest winner who's a woman with a beard or whatever. It's been a great couple of weeks.

    My boss has been on total arsehole mode for the last month, to the point that a double-digit amount of people who barely have to interact with my team came up to me at the post-conference Staff Party and called her a bitch. A couple of the team are on holiday now and if she come's at them like she has me over the last week then I think our Comms team will serve notice and go from a team of 5 to a team of 2 and I'm not sticking around to rebuild it. Could be interesting times.

    I was too tired to do updates from the Conference. I shook Prince Harry's hand and he came across as a much nicer person than 50-60% of the other people I interviewed. Warm blooded handshake too so I'm pretty sure he's not a lizard. Fuckin' massive bald spot though.

  25. #925
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    Not getting sacked, if anyone cares.

    Also had 3 different types of cake for tea last night because the mains were shit and I suspect undercooked. Felt poisoned today.

  26. #926
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Arrived into work today to find out my boss has decided to go on holiday. I already had very little to do and now I've got nothing. I'm leaving at like 3.

  27. #927
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I have fuck all to do either. Europe is a disgrace - Italy seems to be closed for the next three weeks. I've only done £11,500 in two days, most of it to Poland. Nightmare.

  28. #928
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    The problem with the death of the traditional website is now I just spend my time refreshing this place and Twitter instead of the several I used to be able to rotate though. I'm so bored.

  29. #929
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Fucking sunday night dread.

  30. #930
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boydy View Post
    Fucking sunday night dread.
    Bank holiday

    Good job too because I'm dying a death from last night.

  31. #931
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    I've actually quite enjoyed my job after the first insane couple of days.

    Having said that the hospital is ridiculously understaffed (and from friends it's the same throughout the NHS) and all the stuff you hear about it only surviving because of the good will of the staff is 100% true. Literally every day people are staying hours after their shifts end because otherwise there's nobody to look after patients. It's not sustainable.

  32. #932
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    It's terrifying to imagine what percentage of GDP would be needed to provide a sustainable service.

    I suppose the trick is gypping your defence spending obligations, but maybe that's not so sustainable anymore either.

  33. #933
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    That or increasing the role of private provision like every other developed country.

  34. #934
    Senior Member Pepe's Avatar
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    Or stop pretending that the deficit matters.

  35. #935
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepe View Post
    Or stop pretending that the deficit matters.
    Healthy debt-to-GDP ratio >>> 'balanced' budgeting

  36. #936
    Senior Member randomlegend's Avatar
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    When we first got our rotas I submitted a leave request on the online rota system because we are going to book a holiday for October half-term (girlfriend is a teacher). It showed on the rota as being accepted.

    Then got told at induction all leave requests were done on paper forms which required a consultant signature, so I went and spoke to the rota coordinator. She said that because I'd submitted it online before the rota had been finalised it was all fine and I didn't have to do anything else.

    Just had an email from someone else (2 weeks later) telling me actually I do need to do a form Why are people so fucking useless?

  37. #937
    Senior Member niko_cee's Avatar
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    Because there's no incentive for them not to be.

  38. #938
    I used to be funny.
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    They're just covering their arses with a paper trail. Today I made a person cry. Her anxiety kicked in because the call was going a bit long or something.

  39. #939
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niko_cee View Post
    Because there's no incentive for them not to be.
    I work for the Ministry of Defence, and it's a standing joke that nothing works properly. Two days in I asked why, if everybody knows that nothing works, why nothing works. That was the answer. Things can apparently be made to work, but only if the right people with the right credentials go around kicking people up the arse; but then they spend all day doing that, when they should be doing other stuff, so... Deadly Dominic Cummings wrote a lol blog about it years ago:

    [W]hat is really happening in Whitehall: most of everybody’s day is spent just battling entropy – it is not pursuing priorities and building valuable things... Priorities slip unless you remain dementedly focused and demented focus is an alien concept in Westminster. Because ministers can never explain the truth about 'crises', and the official story is that any glitches are occasional aberrations for 'a Rolls Royce machine', there is a tendency for the baffled public to infer ministerial conspiracies, rather than chronic dysfunction, everywhere.

    Nice to think I wrote a book about a geezer encountering this sixty years ago and now I am too.

  40. #940
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    This is exactly why the UN is both the most powerful and the most useless organization in the world. My friends boss managed to bring enough budget into his team to hire 6 database engineers where they took the ONE EXCEL FILE THAT CONTAINS EVERY REFUGEE THE UNHCR HAS ON RECORD IN THE WORLD into a searchable database with the camp they were in, the contact details for said camp, their medical records etc. etc. . He moved onto a more important position 4/5ths of the way through the project, the next guy didn't want anything the previous guy had done to come to fruition so fired them all. They needed two months to finish it for a total of 120k. They'd spent 1.3 million on it up to that point.

    Take note of that next time you see an official list of refugees from the UN. It is one excel file.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lewis View Post
    I work for the Ministry of Defence, and it's a standing joke that nothing works properly. Two days in I asked why, if everybody knows that nothing works, why nothing works. That was the answer. Things can apparently be made to work, but only if the right people with the right credentials go around kicking people up the arse; but then they spend all day doing that, when they should be doing other stuff, so... Deadly Dominic Cummings wrote a lol blog about it years ago:
    [W]hat is really happening in Whitehall: most of everybody’s day is spent just battling entropy – it is not pursuing priorities and building valuable things... Priorities slip unless you remain dementedly focused and demented focus is an alien concept in Westminster. Because ministers can never explain the truth about 'crises', and the official story is that any glitches are occasional aberrations for 'a Rolls Royce machine', there is a tendency for the baffled public to infer ministerial conspiracies, rather than chronic dysfunction, everywhere.

    Nice to think I wrote a book about a geezer encountering this sixty years ago and now I am too.


    Anyone that has worked Corporate Communications knows that this is exactly how everything private or public works though. It's just when easier to spin to shareholders.

  41. #941
    Senior Member Jimmy Floyd's Avatar
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    I have had decent stints in both the public and private sectors and can tell you right now that any similarities between them are purely cosmetic.

    There's one simple difference which is that in the private sector, if everything goes to pot above you then by definition you are out of a job - which creates the constant incentive to continue performing your particular cog well, because everyone involved needs the edifice to stay upright. In the public sector, if everything goes to pot above you then some cunt resigns and some other load of cunts come in to take their place, but the building never crumbles (except literally) and you are never in danger.

  42. #942
    Custom User Title phonics's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd View Post
    I have had decent stints in both the public and private sectors and can tell you right now that any similarities between them are purely cosmetic.

    There's one simple difference which is that in the private sector, if everything goes to pot above you then by definition you are out of a job - which creates the constant incentive to continue performing your particular cog well, because everyone involved needs the edifice to stay upright. In the public sector, if everything goes to pot above you then some cunt resigns and some other load of cunts come in to take their place, but the building never crumbles (except literally) and you are never in danger.
    Asian private sector and American private sector are completely different. The amount of zombies we had on ginormous contracts at DuPont was insane. To hit our stock prices, the various regions would get together and you would ship 30 crates of paint from EMEA to South America, 50 crates of Teflon from South America to Asia. etc. etc. Because anything in transit isn't declared as on the books, meaning you would hit your stock declaration and everyone would keep their job for another 3 months. It's the same game it just involves better accountants and zero people ever having to take responsibility. Whereas with the public sector, someone always finds out and you can't pay them off.

    We did that and then performed a stock buyback every quarter for 18 months. It was fraud, the entire company was a shell. And that's a NASDAQ Top 100 company that's over 200 years old. That actually makes stuff and real things that actually exist. Stuff that genuinely effects the world for the better (alongside a load of hanus shit). But that's not what matters. It's all a game.

    GM made 2.4 billion in profits last quarter and hires 180,000 people. It's share price is 39 dollars. Tesla lost half a billion last quarter and hires less than 40,000. Stock price, 395. None of it is real. It is a game being played over and over and over by the people who have so much money they can afford to play.

  43. #943
    I used to be funny.
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    Yeah, this could be my job for life or one decision up top could end it all. It always feels that way when you're working in businesses that cannot stop.

  44. #944
    Senior Member Boydy's Avatar
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    Say you had a choice between company A where the work isn't very interesting and probably not giving you the experience you wanted/hope for but has a pretty laid-back and relaxed atmosphere or company B where the work would likely be a lot more interesting but the company has a bad rep for how they treat staff, what would you pick?

  45. #945
    Won the Old Board Lewis's Avatar
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    Company B, but lay somebody out on your first day.

  46. #946
    More successful than most Magic's Avatar
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    Sold my first item without clarifying my commission plan.

  47. #947
    Man(c) of the People igor_balis's Avatar
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    back to work after a fortnight off, i'm not delighted

  48. #948
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    B always.

  49. #949
    Senior Member Spikey M's Avatar
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    C. Take both jobs like a hard working Protestant LAD.

  50. #950
    ram it up your shitpipe Giggles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spikey M View Post
    C. Take both jobs like a hard working Protestant LAD.
    GS would be proud.

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