I know I really should but something stops me and I know it might sound a little sick to say but I couldn't really care less anymore. I'm not suicidal but I'll be glad when this life is over so if something was serious inside me (and I kind of think there is that possibility given it seems to be more noticable now than when I last went but never followed up), then good, it'll finish what I couldn't . I just try to do as much as I can whilst I float through it, make amends for past mistakes, focus on the future whilst living in the present and accept my flaws for what they are. I think I lost all faith after the mental health business, it took years to pluck up the courage to go and seek professional help as I was continually told on here, eventually did it, got a bullshit diagnosis and then told that because I function to a certain degree there isn't much help there.

When my relationship with Banana started to sink it was as much her actions as it was my mental health, a familiar pattern emerged but the way I responded in the aftermath was much different to normal. I think in all honesty I just can't be assed anymore but not enough to try and end life or blame others, find a root cause or whatever. It is what it is. I'm just a catalogue of errors but I turn a page and make small steps forward each time so I'll keep that going. I'll try and continue not smoking weed, I'll try to continue eating better and my new year plan is to try and quit smoking tobacco and make exercise a regular thing but it's one thing saying it, another doing it.

The important thing for me personally right now is to wait until beginning of the year so I can start my new job as I find keeping myself busy helps and if I can add a few more healthier things then fantastic. I think as a whole this year has probably been my best one in a long time because instead of one step forward and two steps back, I've made a step and stayed there, minus one or two incidents it's been like that since 2017 actually. If I could concentrate, remember more and be a little more consistent then that would help me no end but the only way to do that is to keep trying. I do try to listen more to others and take what they say on board as predominately, the majority can't be wrong and me be right but putting it into practise isn't always as easy as that. I think I'm much more aware of how I tick so I do what I can.

At the risk of this coming across as another mental Tim post though, I'll leave it there.