Originally Posted by
Jimmy Floyd
I'm still awake, and angry, so I'll do a WDYTOE. Let's pretend for the sake of argument that the fifth Test has been called off for humanitarian reasons.
Cook
Shows the sort of leadership last exhibited by Captain Schettino when the Costa Concordia smashed into some rocks. Bowled the wrong bowlers at the wrong times, set horrible, defensive and inflexible fields, and then, once the series was lost, resorted to utterly bizarre shite in an attempt to ape his opposite number's (crap) Funky Fields. Selection also abysmal, for what part he has in it. With previous successes now confirmed as being down to his leading players, he's got to go, as captain, and concentrate on his batting, which - predictably - has turned to utter shite with him chasing and dabbing at wide filth outside the off stump like he probably chases and dabs at his wife outside the stables.
Carberry
Why do people constantly state he's a good fielder? He's not. Has at least applied himself with the bat, making him unique among the tour party, but is old and probably isn't quite good enough. Bye.
Trott
If anyone ever doubted the great man's value before, survey the apocalyptic scenes of doom before us now.
Root
Since the previously settled order has crumbled around him, seems to have suffered a crisis of identity and is much more successful at making 'who's a cheeky monkey?' grins than at any aspect of playing cricket. Has some nice shots in his locker, but seems petrified ever to play them. I'd put him back up to opener and back him for a bit.
Pietersen
He's never going to change, so we might as well keep him at number four until he finally minces his way into the record books. Has an ego to make Muhammad Ali look like a hermit living in the Swiss Alps by a forty year unbroken vow of silence.
Bell
Gah. Fucking hell, Ronald. If you start driving uppishly early in the innings again I'll have to take it all back.
Stokes
Has shown promise, albeit only actually in a single innings, but he's blatantly not a Test six. Bowling fine. Saying he's the light at the end of the tunnel is massively overdoing it, but he's worth persisting with.
Ballance
Has emerged with the most credit of all England batsmen on the tour, by virtue of never having left the fucking nets. Might as well be Lara.
Prior
Bye. In every sense. I hope he doesn't go in vogue and Retire From All Cricket because in April I'm going to take a trip to Hove to watch him with his hands in his pockets, fielding at third slip for the Sussex 2s against fucking Cardiff MCCU as he bids to regain his form enough if not to get an IPL or Big Bash contract, then certainly to have a stab at Bangladesh. 'One thing I know about this Barisal Burners team is that we always come out fighting'.
Bairstow
Not good enough with bat or gloves. Will probably become a Ramprakash figure. Bye.
Broad
Criminally underbowled at times by Cook, by far our most impressive bowler (though still gets too obsessed with our crap PLAN of bowling short all the time) and if any of the current shower of absolutely putrid shite could have even a look at being the next captain, it might be him - although even suggesting that makes me feel like I have AIDS. However, his batting, which on natural ability should be a very handy second string to his bow, is instead a total embarrassment to him and his family.
Bresnan
Bowls a heavy ball, keeps the run rate down, will never let the side down, useful with the bat, etc. Let's face it, he's fucking shit, has always been fucking shit, and always will be fucking shit. Fuck off. Bye.
Tremlett
We might as well have brought a photograph of Tremlett for all the use he has been. His top level career is over, I warned the England selectors about this all summer having actually watched him play then as opposed to whipping out the DVD of 2010/11 for a cheap Thursday night wank. But did they listen? Did they fuck. Bye.
Anderson
Let's not kid ourselves that a 'lack of assistance' or 'the Kookaburra ball' is at fault for Jimmy's failings in the series. No. He bowled beautifully in Australia last time out and has done so in all conditions, all around the world. What's at fault for his failings is the fact that he's been programmed into needing to swing the ball - conventionally or reverse - by the England stat computers so much that he's forgotten how to actually bowl, hence the humiliating episodes every innings when he tells Aleem Dharmasena that the ball is out of shape after three overs. It was so in 'helpful conditions' in the summer as much as here. Probably deserves the Sri Lanka series as a final chance to sort himself out.
Finn
Another example, along with the above and others, of the cancerous effect of our 'scientific' management on our best talent. Here we have a raw talent who has all the things you can't teach - so we decide to fucking unteach them, and try and make him more like Timothy Twatface Bresnan. It is, in sporting terms and for Finn as a man, a tragedy.
Rankin
Why would you take him on tour if you have no intention of trying him out, even amidst the wreckage of the most embarrassing attempt at a Test series in the last 25 years? He's 29, so not a youngster as everyone seems to assume, and if not good enough for Tests, surely you'd know that before bothering to tempt him over from Ireland?
Swann
RIP. Bye.
Panesar
The England Setup clearly fucking despise this man, and all spinners not called Swann. First they didn't select him in Dubai, then they didn't select him in Ahmedabad, then they selected Kerrigan over him after he was pissing on bouncers, and finally Cook starts bowling Joe Root ahead of him here. What's going on? I doubt they'll pick him again after this tour.
Management
Flower's time has run its course, while Gooch and Saker also have to go. In their place I would suggest Ashley Giles and Graham Thorpe would be a good start. Less southern African thinking required, more Englishness. Also, I am reliably informed that James Taylor's height is what keeps him out of the team. You what? Selection is batshit mental and clearly picked off some graph that doesn't mean anything.
So this is an approximation of what I reckon we should start next summer with:
Cook
Root
Bell/Trott
Pietersen
Bell/Taylor/Ballance
- (wk)
Stokes
- (spinner)
Broad (c)
Finn/a young quick (not Tymal fucking Mills)
Anderson/a genius 1990 style journeyman
Then hopefully, by the time MS Hitler brings the Nazis over for their five match series, a few people will have stood up in county cricket and sensed their opportunity.
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