Jimrage

After a 5-0 Ashes whitewash:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd

I'm still awake, and angry, so I'll do a WDYTOE. Let's pretend for the sake of argument that the fifth Test has been called off for humanitarian reasons.

Cook
Shows the sort of leadership last exhibited by Captain Schettino when the Costa Concordia smashed into some rocks. Bowled the wrong bowlers at the wrong times, set horrible, defensive and inflexible fields, and then, once the series was lost, resorted to utterly bizarre shite in an attempt to ape his opposite number's (crap) Funky Fields. Selection also abysmal, for what part he has in it. With previous successes now confirmed as being down to his leading players, he's got to go, as captain, and concentrate on his batting, which - predictably - has turned to utter shite with him chasing and dabbing at wide filth outside the off stump like he probably chases and dabs at his wife outside the stables.

Carberry
Why do people constantly state he's a good fielder? He's not. Has at least applied himself with the bat, making him unique among the tour party, but is old and probably isn't quite good enough. Bye.

Trott
If anyone ever doubted the great man's value before, survey the apocalyptic scenes of doom before us now.

Root
Since the previously settled order has crumbled around him, seems to have suffered a crisis of identity and is much more successful at making 'who's a cheeky monkey?' grins than at any aspect of playing cricket. Has some nice shots in his locker, but seems petrified ever to play them. I'd put him back up to opener and back him for a bit.

Pietersen
He's never going to change, so we might as well keep him at number four until he finally minces his way into the record books. Has an ego to make Muhammad Ali look like a hermit living in the Swiss Alps by a forty year unbroken vow of silence.

Bell
Gah. Fucking hell, Ronald. If you start driving uppishly early in the innings again I'll have to take it all back.

Stokes
Has shown promise, albeit only actually in a single innings, but he's blatantly not a Test six. Bowling fine. Saying he's the light at the end of the tunnel is massively overdoing it, but he's worth persisting with.

Ballance
Has emerged with the most credit of all England batsmen on the tour, by virtue of never having left the fucking nets. Might as well be Lara.

Prior
Bye. In every sense. I hope he doesn't go in vogue and Retire From All Cricket because in April I'm going to take a trip to Hove to watch him with his hands in his pockets, fielding at third slip for the Sussex 2s against fucking Cardiff MCCU as he bids to regain his form enough if not to get an IPL or Big Bash contract, then certainly to have a stab at Bangladesh. 'One thing I know about this Barisal Burners team is that we always come out fighting'.

Bairstow
Not good enough with bat or gloves. Will probably become a Ramprakash figure. Bye.

Broad
Criminally underbowled at times by Cook, by far our most impressive bowler (though still gets too obsessed with our crap PLAN of bowling short all the time) and if any of the current shower of absolutely putrid shite could have even a look at being the next captain, it might be him - although even suggesting that makes me feel like I have AIDS. However, his batting, which on natural ability should be a very handy second string to his bow, is instead a total embarrassment to him and his family.

Bresnan
Bowls a heavy ball, keeps the run rate down, will never let the side down, useful with the bat, etc. Let's face it, he's fucking shit, has always been fucking shit, and always will be fucking shit. Fuck off. Bye.

Tremlett
We might as well have brought a photograph of Tremlett for all the use he has been. His top level career is over, I warned the England selectors about this all summer having actually watched him play then as opposed to whipping out the DVD of 2010/11 for a cheap Thursday night wank. But did they listen? Did they fuck. Bye.

Anderson
Let's not kid ourselves that a 'lack of assistance' or 'the Kookaburra ball' is at fault for Jimmy's failings in the series. No. He bowled beautifully in Australia last time out and has done so in all conditions, all around the world. What's at fault for his failings is the fact that he's been programmed into needing to swing the ball - conventionally or reverse - by the England stat computers so much that he's forgotten how to actually bowl, hence the humiliating episodes every innings when he tells Aleem Dharmasena that the ball is out of shape after three overs. It was so in 'helpful conditions' in the summer as much as here. Probably deserves the Sri Lanka series as a final chance to sort himself out.

Finn
Another example, along with the above and others, of the cancerous effect of our 'scientific' management on our best talent. Here we have a raw talent who has all the things you can't teach - so we decide to fucking unteach them, and try and make him more like Timothy Twatface Bresnan. It is, in sporting terms and for Finn as a man, a tragedy.

Rankin
Why would you take him on tour if you have no intention of trying him out, even amidst the wreckage of the most embarrassing attempt at a Test series in the last 25 years? He's 29, so not a youngster as everyone seems to assume, and if not good enough for Tests, surely you'd know that before bothering to tempt him over from Ireland?

Swann
RIP. Bye.

Panesar
The England Setup clearly fucking despise this man, and all spinners not called Swann. First they didn't select him in Dubai, then they didn't select him in Ahmedabad, then they selected Kerrigan over him after he was pissing on bouncers, and finally Cook starts bowling Joe Root ahead of him here. What's going on? I doubt they'll pick him again after this tour.

Management
Flower's time has run its course, while Gooch and Saker also have to go. In their place I would suggest Ashley Giles and Graham Thorpe would be a good start. Less southern African thinking required, more Englishness. Also, I am reliably informed that James Taylor's height is what keeps him out of the team. You what? Selection is batshit mental and clearly picked off some graph that doesn't mean anything.

So this is an approximation of what I reckon we should start next summer with:

Cook
Root
Bell/Trott
Pietersen
Bell/Taylor/Ballance
- (wk)
Stokes
- (spinner)
Broad (c)
Finn/a young quick (not Tymal fucking Mills)
Anderson/a genius 1990 style journeyman

Then hopefully, by the time MS Hitler brings the Nazis over for their five match series, a few people will have stood up in county cricket and sensed their opportunity.

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After the World Cup

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jimmy Floyd

Last year these were my thoughts on the Ashes, and I hoped I would never have to write such a cathartic rant post again but here we are, and here we go. Let's start with the players.

Morgan
This bloke has puzzled me for a long time but in this tournament I've finally chanced upon what he is - a fucking shitcunt version of KP, who, himself already a fucking shitcunt, is setting the bar very high. Morgan has totalled about one good year in an England shirt and on his day etc etc - I don't care. Ultimately you have to ask why he has come over the sea. He doesn't give a fuck about playing for England, as he has shown on numerous occasions and not just with the anthem, so you can only imagine he came here to enrich himself on the back of English cricket. Fine, many have, but England captain? Once you get past the pleasant manner and the come-to-bed eyes he's just another underperforming cunt who can fuck off. Put him on the ferry at Liverpool and let him play for a country he wants to play for. Shouldn't play for England in any format again.

Moeen Ali
This morning I saw a picture of him playing chess with Ravi Bopara, which appeared to have been taken by an ECB sniper. I like to imagine that it was a piece of performance art, a cry for help. He's a fucking legend. We don't deserve him.

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Ian Bell
I really want Ronald to be the best player ever but the fact is, the guy has spent his entire life at fucking Loughborough and it shows when the crunch comes. He's never been a good enough one day cricketer, because one day cricket is about big, swinging testicles and unfortunately Ronald's have to be hoovered out of his ginger perineum every morning. Shouldn't play in one dayers again.

Alex Hales - he has a shit technique, I don't really rate him and he is one of those guys (like Stokes) who people latch onto and turn into the Messiah because he's not in the team. He does at least take the bowling on but he is not the future and is frankly no better than ordinary. That's the sad truth.

Barry Gallance - I have watched Barry smash the fuck out of T20 and one dayers with Yorkshire, so ultimately his utter fucking disaster of a tournament has to be another for the long, Tolkien-esque book of people England have made worse. He has come into the side because they want a batsman, they've put something through a computer and told him he has to be their solid number three, and it's broken him, as has the humdrum tedium of having to have 800 throw downs from Simon Short-Shorts and his dog chucker every day. I want Barry to go back to topless nightclub singing. He enjoyed that.

Joe Root
I love Root. He has talent, he has guts, he has a pair and he's the future, and now the present, of English cricket. Make him captain of everything.

James Taylor
The ECB's treatment of Taylor is the cricketing equivalent of that woman who was filmed putting a cat in a bin. Reliable sources have told me he wasn't picked for years because 'DATA' (hopefuly this is now a thing) suggested he was too short for international cricket, despite being taller than arguably the greatest batsman to play the game since the war. When finally picked, he has been moved up and down the order according to the needs of other people, all of whom make lesser contributions than he. He must now be treated as an asset in all formats.

Ravi Bopara
We've been trying him for fucking years and he never does anything. Why the fucking fuck was he in Australia? We have aggressive, stylish batsmen like Vince and Roy not even threatening the squad because this dickhead and his little no-backlift pushes behind point are deemed a crucial cog in the machine. Fuck off and take your shithouse bowling with you. Shouldn't play for England again.

Jos Buttler
If he's been a bit under par its because our batting plan is 'lose loads of early wickets while scoring at a poor rate, and then hope Jos hits 150 off 40 balls'. Like all our other shit plans, this one has been execution-free. Obviously a big player going forward along with Root, Moeen and Taylor.

Chris Woakes
I have always been a fan, and still am despite his complete inability to think for himself on a cricket field, but that started to diminish when the other day I heard him say 'execute our plans/skills' in five consecutive sentences. I'll stop here to explain why skill execution is so sinister and wrong. It implies that a textbook skill is perfectly formed and can be pumped into the very flesh and bone of Chris Woakes, and then it's down to him to execute it and the coach can say not me guv. What it does is elevate the coach and the analyst to a level above the player, which is not surprising since it's them who came up with the concept. It's also the reason why everyone - EVERYONE - must be sacked.

Chris Jordan
Can't blame him.

Stuart Broad
I was dreading getting to this absolute CUNT of a man because with everyone else a bit of sweary slagging off is enjoyable, but with this fucking disgusting person it just makes me more and more angry. In the first game against Australia he repeatedly ran away from the ball like a little girl, which for an international cricketer claiming to bat at 9 is pathetic, and that summed up his World Cup - averaging less than 3 with the bat and almost 80 with the ball. He's a coward, he's a simpleton, he's a cunt and the ECB gave his sister a job as an analyst, which is BCCI-esque. He has to go. I can't bear it any more. Oh and as Alex Hales so neatly puts it, who indeed does have their initials on a golf shirt? https://twitter.com/AlexHales1/statu...32242029547520

Steven Finn
If you took his pants off you would find a penis and then a void behind it with a stamp saying DAVID SAKER WOS ERE. He bowls like he's on death row, with no conviction, with no venom, with no confidence. But can you blame him? This is a setup that intentionally drains all of those things from anyone who had them initially. He is done, he is finished, and so is England.

James Anderson
He was past it as a one day cricketer at the last World Cup, we rest him from every one day series, so he turns up at the next World Cup, bowls like a hologram and people are surprised? Fucking get rid.

James Tredwell
He's probably just made his own way home by now.

Management
It doesn't matter if we sack Peter Moores. The next person will be the same. The ECB has built a system in which conformity is paramount, whilst individuality and fun and joy are to be distrusted and stamped out at all levels. It broke Jonathan Trott, by all accounts the most decent man in those better England sides, not that that was any great achievement. It's broken Steven Finn. It's well on its way to breaking Ballance.

They are such a corporate set of cunts that they feel everything has to be controlled by them and the protection of revenue and the brand is the only thing worth fighting for. The England brand must be worth about 3p by now, but they still cling on.

David Saker is a fucking useless cunt, and I have no idea how he still has a job. Moores seems to be broken, has failed miserably twice, and has to go. Downton is an absolutely ridiculous fungus of a man and has to go. But none of these people has to go like the one who has seemingly permanently entombed himself at the centre of English cricket, Giles Clarke, who has damaged our game, damaged the world game and all whilst aping David Mellor. If he drowned tomorrow I genuinely wouldn't be that upset. In fact, fuck that, I'd pay to watch it.

I love cricket, like thousands of others I put a lot of time into the game, and we all get up at 4am and watch these cunts represent us and we deserve better. They can all fuck off and some new ones can come in. We were fucking shit in the 90s, but at least then we were shit for the right reasons. This time we're shit because parasitical cunts have made us so and it didn't need to happen.

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