FIFA Ballon d'Or 2015

[John Arne]

Neymar is wearing a nice hat.

Messi for once wears a normal suit.

Carli Lloyd looks voluptuous.

MORE TO FOLLOW.

[John Arne]

James Nesbitt rounds up the nominees and they leave the stage.

First up is FIFA PUSKAS AWARD 2015.

[Lewis]

I reckon that Barcelona one will win.

[John Arne]

GOAL OF THE YEAR Nominations.

1. Marcel Ndjeng
2. Gonzalo Castro
3. David Ball
4. Carli Lloyd
5. Carlitos Tevez
6. Esteban Ramirez
7. Phil Mexes

[John Arne]

Top 3 decided later by public vote.

Er. Ok.

[John Arne]

Nesbitts pronunciations are getting awesome.

FIFPro WORLD XI as decided by Sammy Eto'o

Manuel Neuer (lazy fucker hasn't bothered turning up)
Thiago Silva
Marcelo
Sergio Ramos
Dani Alves
Andres Iniesta
Luka Modric
Paul Pogba
Neymar
Lionel Messi
Ronaldo

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Good to see that Marcelo is still pulling the wool over people's eyes in regards to his talent.

[John Arne]

Pogba's suit :drool:

[John Arne]

Some prize winner in the crowd actually asks Ronaldo a decent question
"What do you plan to do after you retire from playing?"

Ronaldo looks completely fucking stumped "er, me and my team has a plan. Build my brand. Er... I am very comfortable. Very comfortable."

[Ian]

No Fellainimania? Get fucked, Eto'o.

[Lewis]

Bert Trautmann did more goalkeeping than Manuel Neuer in 2015.

[John Arne]

Messi's wife is looking fine.

[John Arne]

Holy fuck. Nesbitt rocks out some half decent French. Nice.

[Baz]

Top reporting. KUTGW

[John Arne]

FIFA WOMENS COACH OF THE YEAR

Nominations:
Jill Ellis (USA)
Mark Sampson (England)
Norio Sasaki (Japan)

Hope Powell presents and looks absolutely fucking gutted that the winner is....

JILL ELLIS (USA).

She sounds English. I'm claiming a win for ENGLAND.

[John Arne]

FIFA MENS WORLD COACH OF THE YEAR

Nominations are:
Peppy G (Bayern)
Luis Entique (Barca)
Jorge Sampaoli (Chile)
Alan Pardew (Palace)

And the winner is....

LUIS ENRIQUE (Barcelona). He hasn't bothered turning up, so the Nou Camp Head Groundsmam makes his way to the stage to accept on Luis' behalf.

[John Arne]

In a shock development some little Japanese fella has been included in the nominations for the Women's Player of the Year.

Admin madness, here.

http://cache2.asset-cache.net/gc/476094926-aya-miyama-of-japan-poses-for-a-portrait-gettyimages.jpg?v=1&c=IWSAsset&k=2&d=GkZZ8bf5zL1ZiijUmxa7QR7MZ1k1JvFhIUFF8Lrol72V54ZS KoimsQF7mNiClfKS94JTYB2tFyi8NINuk3NA5g%3D%3D

[John Arne]

It's the big one.... FIFA Fair Play Award.

Leeds legend Lucas Radebe comes up to present the relevant guff.....

[John Arne]

He's put on a few pounds.

[John Arne]

FIFA World Fair Play Award goes to...

ALL REFUGEE RELEATED TEAMS IN THE WORLD. ALL OF THEM.



The trophy engraver is going to be busy.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

FIFA MENS WORLD COACH OF THE YEAR

Nominations are:
Peppy G (Bayern)
Luis Entique (Barca)
Jorge Sampaoli (Chile)
Alan Pardew (Palace)

And the winner is....

Luis Enrique (Barcelona). He hasn't bothered turning up, so the Nou Camp Head Groundsmam makes his way to the stage to accept on Luis' behalf.

No David Moyes? I'm calling shenanigans.

[John Arne]

The legend that is Gerald Asamoah comes on the accept the award on behalf of everybody in the world.

Still no sign of Sepp in the crowd.

[John Arne]

No David Moyes? I'm calling shenanigans.

He's missed the Women's nominations, too. Disgrace.

[John Arne]

Oh no.... this is disguisting.

FIFA have asked Marcelo to talk about Ronaldo

"It's such a pleasure to play with him... he's so amazing."

The video cuts away and Marcelo is performing falletio on Ronaldo.

There is jizz EVERYWHERE.

[John Arne]

FIFA interrupts procedures to confirm that Judd Trump has beaten Stephen Maguire 6-4 to reach the Masters quarter-finals.

[John Arne]

Leona Lewis is on stage miming some shit or other.

[Offshore Toon]

FIFA MENS WORLD COACH OF THE YEAR

Nominations are:
Peppy G (Bayern)
Luis Entique (Barca)
Jorge Sampaoli (Chile)
Alan Pardew (Palace)

And the winner is....

Luis Enrique (Barcelona). He hasn't bothered turning up, so the Nou Camp Head Groundsmam makes his way to the stage to accept on Luis' behalf.
Did you add Pardew in as a joke? You must have.

[John Arne]

FIFA PUSKAS AWARD

Final 3 nominations....
Alessandro Florenzi
Wendell Lira
Lionel Messi

The fucking awesome Hidetosi Nakata announces that the winner is...

WENDELL LIRA. He's looks genuinely fucking devastated. More God thanking - Kaka is intrigued.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et7f0gc9VpY

[John Arne]

The big one. It's the chicks award....

[Manc]

Did you add Pardew in as a joke? You must have.

The fact that you've even questioned it speaks volumes about Pardiola's ability.

[John Arne]

FIFA WOMEN'S WORLD PLAYER OF THE YEAR.

We are reminded of the nominations...

Carli Lloyd (USA & Houston Gash)
Aya Miyami (Japan & Okayama Yunogo Belle)
Celia Sasic (Germany & Frankfurter FF)

Sandra Bullock is on stage...and the winner is....

CARLI LLOYD!!! Fans of Houston Gash will be dancing on the streets tonight.

The tears have started. As Ricky Gervais said last night, "don't get too emotional, nobody cares more about this award than you do".

[John Arne]

Final award of the night. It's the Ballon d'Or. A montage of Kaka reminds everybody how quickly he fell apart.

[John Arne]

In case you haven't noticed, the 3 nominee's are...

Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal)
Lionel Messi (Argentina)
Neymar (Brazil)

We hear the presenters talking in the background as a montage plays. Real pro's.

[John Arne]

FIFA BALLON D'OR

The not at all dodgy Issa Hayatou is on stage for some reason.

The winner is...

LIONEL MESSI.

A kiss for the wife, a hug for Neymar and a brief handshake for Cristiano.

[John Arne]

The cameras keep switching to an ugly kid in the crowd.

No idea.

[John Arne]

Brilliant. Nesbitt asks all of the evening's winners to come onto the stage for photo's. He is roundly ignored.
The ending credits come on and the presenters mic's are left turned on. Nesbitt and fellow host Kate Abdo wonder what the hell is going on... Abdo comments "what's going on, why did they change the script, this is a disaster". Nesbitt laughs it off like a pro and ends with "I'm going to get a photo with Messi".

Quality ending.

[Manc]

Best Bot ever.

[Jimmy Floyd]

This is clearly by far the biggest night of Messi and Ronaldo's year, in their own minds, which is more than a bit sad.

[John Arne]

That's certainly true for Ronaldo, but I reckon Messi isn't that much of an egotistical maniac.

[Lewis]

Massive tax fraud suggests a certain level of arrogance.

[John Arne]

I'd forgotten about that :)

[mugbull]

The next player to win the Ballon d'Or after Messi and Cristi will be Domenico Berardi.

[Jimmy Floyd]

It'll be Neymar or Suarez, probably next year.

[Lewis]

United have to stump up an extra seven million (or something) if Anthony Martial wins it at some point. What a great clause that is.

[Toby]

There is jizz EVERYWHERE.


https://youtu.be/SFgEGmAbJew?t=7

[Reg]

It'll be Neymar or Suarez, probably next year.
I think it'll be Messi again, but Neymar and Suarez will kick Ronaldo out of the three.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Messi and Ronaldo will stay in the top three until they retire actually. I'm not sure Ronaldo should even have been in it this year, people just vote for him regardless. I'd have voted something like Messi - Müller - Suarez.

[Reg]

I think Ronaldo might be see quite a dip this year. I haven't watched an awful lot of Real but he looks considerably slower than two or three years ago, and his goals aren't coming every week anymore (still scores loads, but then goes quiet).

I was kind of surprised Neymar got there ahead of Suarez, but the former is a bigger brand I guess.

The worst thing is the World XI. I swear it's almost identical every year, and do players like Marcelo really deserve a place? It's just big names.

[Toby]

I think Ronaldo might be see quite a dip this year. I haven't watched an awful lot of Real but he looks considerably slower than two or three years ago, and his goals aren't coming every week anymore (still scores loads, but then goes quiet).

I'm sure you baulked at me saying much the same thing at around the start of the season.

[Reg]

Dunno, maybe. I think I did expect him to carry on scoring every week.

[Lewis]

Isn't he a full-time striker now? He was always going to end up there (I seem to remember Jose Mourinho comparing him to Marco van Basten when he was young), so the goals were always going to dry up once he lost the ability to shoot from the edge of the box thirty times per game.

[Reg]

Against Valencia he was playing to the left of Benzema, pretty much as a striker. Bale was to the right as more of a normal winger. Nobody was left wing/left mid, and the centre mids all had to shuffle across when Valencia got it on that side, thanks to Ronaldo's laziness.

Don't know if Zidane will indulge him as much.