The Small Town Pathological Liar

[Lewis]

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Inspired by the above tweet, what pointless shitty lies do you remember people telling at school and elsewhere (or igor telling here)?

I used to be mates with a lad who told weird lies that me and my friend still lol about today. His parents were from Liverpool, and he used to say things like his rich aunty and uncle there had a million pound crystal collection and a 'massive freezer' full of all the Ben & Jerry's flavours that you only get in America. Why would they, Chris? Who is this meant to impress? He also used to claim that his dad got free Lucozade 'off the dock', got caught doing a hundred past the chippy, and let him drink 'five Stellas' every Friday night when we were about twelve. He also used to do this thing where he strained and made his face red, but then abruptly stopped doing it because the doctor told him that doing it once more would kill him.

[Lewis]

I feel like Lofty might dominate this thread.

[phonics]

My mate at school said he did a Christ Air at the skatepark and I told my non-school mates that I knew someone who did a Christ Air (which just so happened to be the highest scoring trick you could do in Tony Hawk that had come out a few months earlier) and they all laughed at me and said it was obviously a lie and this was me:

https://i.imgur.com/EWi2dCY.png

Was the breaking of my innocence.

[Lofty]

:D I'll start with the lad who said his ma owned Grattan and had a helicopter despite them living in a run down terraced house.

One I'm still in touch with has been claiming he has size 13 feet for decades despite size 13 shoes being obviously too big for him, evidenced by the extreme lengths he has to go to ensuring they stay on his feet. This lad also claims to have audtioned for Star Wars and professional porn.

I used to work with one who was particularly epic. He was quitting his train driver job to be a vet, he had a horse box business on the side he was making 50k a month from, he was top dog on the Sea Shepherd ship, he was making a replica Jurassic Park jeep. He was getting married to some American air stewardess who couldn't visit because she was barred from international flights because she was an eco terrorist.

None of those came to fruition. He was instead rumbled robbing the work tuck shop, put in his notice then withdrew it, then apparently got warned for noncey behaviour by the police and was last heard of being chased by an irate farmer who's daughter he had knocked up pretending to have a farm of his own.

There are definitely more, I'll have a think.

[Raoul Duke]

There was a rumour at my school that someone got bummed in a skip

[Shindig]

There was a bloke on the TNT vans that kept bullshitting he was a session musician. Says he helped write this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7vNdAb5e4

[Baz]

I know someone who the tweet describes perfectly. One story that stuck with me is he won a North West jiu-jitsu tournament, that for some reason took place in Barnsley (because he doesn't know where it is), where he defeated the entirety of the U16 Brazilian jiu-jitsu blackbelt holders, "and all I got for winning the whole competition was a fucking Easter egg."

[randomlegend]

I went to high school with a guy who's now an actor in Holby City. He couldn't go five minutes without lying.

He told everyone he played the child in James and the Giant Peach (weird lie given how easy it is to disprove).

He told a friend he had cancer (he didn't) and that he had a twin that died at birth (he didn't).

He said he was examined by Stephen Fry for some acting exam he did. One of his friends, whose Dad is a sound engineer on big films and TV programs, challenged him on this because Stephen Fry had been on set with said Dad filming something at the time he said this exam happened. He went completely fucking ballistic at being called out

He said he had a part in some big film. He kept stringing out the lie by saying it'd been delayed due to the writer's strike and then it was being turned into a TV series instead etc etc. Never happened obviously.

Virtually everyone was taken in by him, including all the teachers, which was fucking bizarre given how blatantly obvious a lot of the lies were. He once had a go at the then girlfriend now wife because he'd heard I'd pointed out some of the things he'd said we're obviously lies.

He was a proper sociopath.

[Jimmy Floyd]

We had a PE teacher (yes, teacher, not kid) named Webb.

He claimed to everyone (this was about 2000), including a lot of mums hoping to get into bed with them, that he was the brother of Simon Webbe from Blue. This story had two large flaws: 1) their surnames were spelled differently, and 2) Simon Webbe was black whereas this guy was white.

I think he thought Simon Webbe was a different member of the band. He carried on with this until someone presumably googled it (this was when Google was only just coming in, so the story could hold up for ages if no one looked it up). He then retracted the story in shame and went mental if anyone asked him about it. Not long after that he got sacked for hitting kids.

[igor_balis]

There was a lad I went to school with who did this constantly. It was always really weird stuff, and the stories would always involve a cousin or uncle or some shit. The only one I can remember off the top of my head was that he claimed his uncle worked for Microsoft, and showed him something you could download off limewire (great start) that doubled your harddrive space. It's absolutely perfect in that it's immediately disprovable, completely ridiculous, but also really boring even if you did believe it.

[Lewis]

When I was in year ten my school had some Swiss/Italian temporary language teacher for about four months who told everyone that he was on loan from FC Basel to Bridlington Town, which he refused to discuss if you pressed him on any aspect of it, and then he disappeared amidst rumours that he had shagged some girl in the year.

[igor_balis]

My dad told me a long winded anecdote that concluded with his mate waking up with a police car in his garage, then I saw one of the main characters tell the same story, but as a joke, in the movie good will hunting about five years later.

[phonics]

That would be quite a step down in leagues for a loan move.

[igor_balis]

That would be quite a step down in leagues for a loan move.

Wow glad we had the resident Swiss football expert to clarify that.

love you, mate

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Main two rumours in school were that a kid finished a GCSE exam with time to spare but they wouldn't let him out so he had a wank at his desk and was subsequently caught.

There was also a French teacher who wasn't the cross country teacher/supervisor but she'd regularly run with the group for exercise. Apparently she would have a shower with the boys (it was an all boys school) every single time.

[Ian]

Back when my dad worked abroad in various obscure parts of the world he had one colleague who claimed to be a Sir. Can't remember what his reason was for the fact that he was working on a construction project in the arse end of Turkey.

[Lewis]

My [step] grandad used to work abroad for most of the year as a diesel engineer, and when we were kids he set us up with pen pals in Ghana whose surname was Yorke. They were presumably related to some bloke he worked with out there, but he told us that they were Dwight Yorke's nephews, which me and my brother went round telling everyone like we were legends whose grandad knew Dwight Yorke's family. I think we exchanged two lots of letters before they asked us for money, and then my mother put a stop to it. People at school believed it as well because we could brandish letters from Africa with Yorke on them and what do ten year olds from a town with literally no black people in it know.

I've since heard that [step] grandad was dogged by rumours throughout his working life that he had a second family in West Africa, and that his outrageous - even for the eighties - racism was a way of throwing people off the scent back home. I mean you talk about winning.

[KIR]

Used to work with a lad who came out with this kind of stuff all the time, couldn't help himself. Claimed to be ex-army, served in Iraq and was honourably discharged after injuring his knee - turned out to be complete bollocks. Claimed to have a stolen "machine gun" at home but was unable to provide any evidence of this as he didn't want to be reported to the police. Also that he owned a number of tattoo parlours and was making £50k a month or something - obvious lie. Also claimed that he owned some really expensive car (can't remember what now), when challenged on why he got the bus into work every day he replied that he was "bored of driving". He was permanently seething about something or other and constantly in battles with management over nothing - bit of a maniac really. About 5ft 6" and massively balding at the age of 25 too. Haven't seen him in 10 years, half expect to see him on the news one day.

[Mike]

I know someone who the tweet describes perfectly. One story that stuck with me is he won a North West jiu-jitsu tournament, that for some reason took place in Barnsley (because he doesn't know where it is), where he defeated the entirety of the U16 Brazilian jiu-jitsu blackbelt holders, "and all I got for winning the whole competition was a fucking Easter egg."
He’s a proven truth teller :lol:

[Spikey M]

One of my Flat Mates at Uni was an expert at one-upmanship. He met his match one day when my mate - that narrowly missed out on swimming for Team GB - visited. He said that he still held the 100 meter record in under 16 swimming. The problem was that his record was faster than the actual world record. My mate pointed this out and he quickly mumbled something about it actually being the 50m record or maybe he was a bit off with the time. He didn't leave his room for the rest of the day.

[Shindig]

We worked with a bloke who would say such stuff like, "I'm on £35k for being a mental health first aider. I'm on call ALL THE TIME." All fun and games until his imagination went wild and he opened disciplinary proceedings over an argument we all know didn't happen.

He left shortly afterwards.

[Baz]

Wow glad we had the resident Swiss football expert to clarify that.

love you, mate

Nah he just likes Young Boys. :checkit: