Yev's Sitcom - All New Thread

[Kikó]

Fucking hell 😂

[Yevrah]

That is genuinely exactly how I thought it would look. It's fucking brilliant. More so if you know what'll follow, probably not at all if you don't.

[Yevrah]

Life Teaser Trailer

Views - 10
Target - 1,000,000
% achieved - 0.001%

The grind is on. :drool:

[Foe]

There’s a whole raft of time shifting series that have been made, and a lot of really popular one so if you can mail it then it’ll definitely get attention.

Might be worth trying to understand why some held interest and others didn’t. Flashforward got canned after 1 series, life on Mars/ashes to ashes did very well. What can you learn from your analogues?

I’d imagine a lot of the intrigue will come from working out what’s happened, but that’s more drama that sitcom.

Will there be any different perspectives on each of the time zones? Ie is the forward through the lens of a guy and the back through the eyes of a girl? One of my favourite films is along those lines (flipped) and despite it being a total “girls film” I bloody love it as a concept.

[Foe]

Also good luck. It’s good to have a passion to keep life interesting. If you throw a bunch of time and effort into this and enjoy doing so, the outcome is irrelevant.

[Yevrah]

There’s a whole raft of time shifting series that have been made, and a lot of really popular one so if you can mail it then it’ll definitely get attention.

Might be worth trying to understand why some held interest and others didn’t. Flashforward got canned after 1 series, life on Mars/ashes to ashes did very well. What can you learn from your analogues?

I’d imagine a lot of the intrigue will come from working out what’s happened, but that’s more drama that sitcom.

Will there be any different perspectives on each of the time zones? Ie is the forward through the lens of a guy and the back through the eyes of a girl? One of my favourite films is along those lines (flipped) and despite it being a total “girls film” I bloody love it as a concept.

Great feedback. I need to change it to "comedy-drama" as that's what it will be. I've watched so much tv and I think I have a reasonable idea of why some things work and others don't.

[Yevrah]

Also good luck. It’s good to have a passion to keep life interesting. If you throw a bunch of time and effort into this and enjoy doing so, the outcome is irrelevant.

Cheers. That point is exactly the one Gervais makes.

[Yevrah]

'Wild Berry Vape Club' (£10), ensuring that your name appears in the credits
'Timehopper' (£25), all the benefits of 'Wild Berry Vape Club' plus exclusive access to production staff through our official channels
'Hot Tubber' (£50), all the benefits of 'Timehopper' plus FIVE signed pictures of Yevrah (selection to choose from)
'Yoghurt Knitter' (£100), all the benefits of 'Hot Tubber' plus a pocket book of his best forum posts and a 'SCIENCE' t-shirt (sizes XXS to S, black only)

:lol:

Brilliant. The SCIENCE T-Shirts are getting made. :D

[7om]

You do you, Yev.

Even if it doesn’t work out you can say you gave it a good shot.

[Pepe]

http://www.theofficequotes.com/season-6/happy-hour/quote_3191

[Spikey M]

Do you communicate solely through smileys and Office Meme's these days?

[Offshore Toon]

I do sympathise with this getting attention for the wrong reasons, even though I see both sides. If somebody had finally started making some real progress on their lifelong dream, I think the excitement would be enough to pull an all nighter.

Also, reminding somebody of their struggle when they're energetic and productive is a pretty quick way to slow them down. Yev shared how he was feeling with us and the fact he won't be doing so again shows that the reaction of the board as a whole was the wrong one. Concern is natural and obviously comes from a good place, but do it privately.

Keep the energy up, Yev. It sounds like you've got a good mindset approaching the pilot so let's see what happens.

[Pepe]

Do you communicate solely through smileys and Office Meme's these days?

These days? It has always been like that.

[Pepe]

As for the script, I read the first few lines with the vape juice and stopped reading. Doubt that helps, but here we are.

[Lewis]

I do sympathise with this getting attention for the wrong reasons, even though I see both sides. If somebody had finally started making some real progress on their lifelong dream, I think the excitement would be enough to pull an all nighter.

Also, reminding somebody of their struggle when they're energetic and productive is a pretty quick way to slow them down. Yev shared how he was feeling with us and the fact he won't be doing so again shows that the reaction of the board as a whole was the wrong one. Concern is natural and obviously comes from a good place, but do it privately.

Keep the energy up, Yev. It sounds like you've got a good mindset approaching the pilot so let's see what happens.

The board's reaction was perfectly fine. He said he was struggling, and people offered some advice. Two weeks later, during which time his posting got no less maniacal, he was all fine but also wished he had never mentioned it because now people think there is something wrong anyway this sitcom I have planned to the most minute detail and know exactly how I will sell it to Netflix and how do I get permission to use well-known songs in it... If this was Smiffy people would be tipping social services off and locking their windows at night.

[Pepe]

As long as it gets more views than Lord Jerrington it should be considered a success.

[Shindig]

That's not happening. It's the board's RickRoll equivalent. Plus I kinda like that. :D

[Offshore Toon]

The board's reaction was perfectly fine. He said he was struggling, and people offered some advice. Two weeks later, during which time his posting got no less maniacal, he was all fine but also wished he had never mentioned it because now people think there is something wrong anyway this sitcom I have planned to the most minute detail and know exactly how I will sell it to Netflix and how do I get permission to use well-known songs in it... If this was Smiffy people would be tipping social services off and locking their windows at night.
I see your point, but also don't think that if there is something wrong that it's currently being handled well. What does Yev do now to not have certain posters on his back? Post boring stuff for a bit? Even if he stops posting, he'll have Luca sliding in his DMs asking if he's dead or not. If he stuck up that YevRage Algeria(?) post now I bet you'd get similar comments to this morning.

Anyway, this probably isn't helping anything either.

[7om]

Stop banging this tart and give us the next scene.

[Kikó]

He writes best during bangs.

[niko_cee]

Might as well just cut out the 20 year high flying career middleman and get straight to the Harvey Weinstein denouement.

Wait a minute.

[igor_balis]

You slept yet mate?

[Lewis]

I see your point, but also don't think that if there is something wrong that it's currently being handled well. What does Yev do now to not have certain posters on his back? Post boring stuff for a bit? Even if he stops posting, he'll have Luca sliding in his DMs asking if he's dead or not. If he stuck up that YevRage Algeria(?) post now I bet you'd get similar comments to this morning.

Anyway, this probably isn't helping anything either.

It would just have been forgotten/brought up as and when, like every other lol thing that people mention. People never mention the porn site he was convinced he could make money off do they.

[Yevrah]

You slept yet mate?

Nah, been out and about trying to avoid doing so until this evening at the earliest to avoid fucking sleeping patterns.

[Manc]

Rampage impending.

[Yevrah]

And we're done.

[Yevrah]

Phonics, thread in the office when you're next on. Cheers bud.

EDIT: Ignore this Phonics.

[7om]

Let’s crack on.

[Kikó]

Why isn't this in the writing thread?

[Yevrah]

Why isn't this in the writing thread?

:D

Genuine lol at that.

[Yevrah]

Is there an easy way to group delete posts? I've copied the thread from the original into this new one, but I'm having to take all the non sitcom posts out one by one? It's painful, to the point I may just leave them there.

[Yevrah]

Right, where I've got to with this...

I want to create a sitcom (well, comedy drama really), but I don't want to do that if it means attending a screenplay writing class, joining a screenplay writing forum or anything of that ilk. I'm just not interested in that aspect of it enough or if I'm honest, at all. Now that doesn't mean I don't appreciate that this will need a script, but I think if it's just a screenplay I write and submit, then it will definitely go nowhere. Some of the (actual) feedback on the last few pages has been really helpful in working out that what I have in my head is simply never going to translate to the page and then from that page into the mind of someone else while still looking anything like I envisaged it would.

If I make a pilot (a few scenes minimum), get it on Youtube and get it seen by people and I have a sub-par script to back that up then that's much less of an issue. It may bomb on Youtube and go nowhere, but as I've said before, that's fine. Losses are cut (which will mostly be time) and that'll be that. But I know, if I go all out for a script first and that's all I have and then try and get it picked up, it won't happen. 0/10 stuff.

[7om]

So which path are you going to go down then?

[Yevrah]

So which path are you going to go down then?

Gonna carry on sketching it out and once I have write a script for the first episode only and set about working out how to film it.

[Boydy]

Why not pair up with someone who does know how to write scripts etc?

[Yevrah]

Why not pair up with someone who does know how to write scripts etc?

That's a pretty good shout and I may do so, but I'd absolutely want to avoid any notes being given on the actual content itself. Once whatever is filmed (be it a pilot or a series of it if the pilot leads to that) is out there I'd be much happier to be collaborative with someone, but until then I fear it may just lead to "have you thought about doing this, or what about that?". Which would just be a waste of both of our time.

[Boydy]

I'm sure you could work that out before you agree to work together. Also, they might have good ideas, who knows.

[Pepe]

I want to be a published writer, but do not want to go through all the trouble of writing and all that. Any tips folks?

[Pepe]

Find some film students to do it for you "for the experience". You should be able to rent a camcorder and a few lights for not too much money, or they might even have access to them.

[Kikó]

I want to be a published writer, but do not want to go through all the trouble of writing and all that. Any tips folks?

:henn0rz:

[Disco]

If we start removing non-constructive posts this place is going to be pretty quiet.

[Giggles]

Find some film students to do it for you "for the experience". You should be able to rent a camcorder and a few lights for not too much money, or they might even have access to them.

A mate of mine does that with everything from his eye tests to his haircuts. Everything free and has only been stung with the hair a couple of times.

[Yevrah]

I'm sure you could work that out before you agree to work together. Also, they might have good ideas, who knows.

It's a huge undertaking and why would someone who actually knew what they were doing with screen writing want to work with me, an accountant? It's just adding another layer to the whole process.

[Yevrah]

I want to be a published writer, but do not want to go through all the trouble of writing and all that. Any tips folks?

Which is clearly what I said.

[Yevrah]

Find some film students to do it for you "for the experience". You should be able to rent a camcorder and a few lights for not too much money, or they might even have access to them.

I have access to those things. I have a mate who makes music videos and Phonics has offered to help. It's all in the thread, presumably lost among the utter shit around it.

[Pepe]

What you have said is that you don't want to put too much effort into this. Which is ok, you probably shouldn't, but success rarely comes without effort.

[Pepe]

I have access to those things. I have a mate who makes music videos and Phonics has offered to help. It's all in the thread, presumably lost among the utter shit around it.

Yeah, I saw that. Filming something takes a lot more than two persons.

[Yevrah]

A mate of mine does that with everything from his eye tests to his haircuts. Everything free and has only been stung with the hair a couple of times.

It's amazing how much you can get for free. The mate with the music videos did this for essentially sod all. All actors were time for print, so not even expenses.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtOBYusyC94

And got an actual gig with Linkedin on the back of it.

[Yevrah]

Yeah, I saw that. Filming something takes a lot more than two persons.

What, like the video I've just linked to above? Which was done by two people...

[Pepe]

Actors are not people?

Anyway, you seem to have figured it all out. Look forward to watching the finished product.

[Pepe]

Also, that video is all still shots of people talking. Your very first scene has two people interacting, with closeups to products and whatnot.

[Yevrah]

Actors are not people?

Which as I've already said I can get on a TFP basis. It's in the thread, presumably lost among all of the utter shite around it.




Anyway, you seem to have figured it all out.

Far from it, but it would be helpful if you read the things I have already worked out and posted about.

[Yevrah]

Also, that video is all still shots of people talking. Your very first scene has two people interacting, with closeups to products and whatnot.

It has no close up to products or whatnots. It does have two people interacting...and?

[Shindig]

It doesn’t have to go straight to video, really. Most of BBC’s stuff started as radio. You could cobble an audio equivalent whilst you figure out the finer points of TV production. At least you get a handle on how the dialogue sounds.

[7om]

The official trailer now has 54 views #progress #life4lyfe

[Boydy]

It's a huge undertaking and why would someone who actually knew what they were doing with screen writing want to work with me, an accountant? It's just adding another layer to the whole process.
Alright, fucking hell, I was only trying to throw some helpful ideas around.

I'll do sarcastic sniping instead from now on then.

[Yevrah]

It doesn’t have to go straight to video, really. Most of BBC’s stuff started as radio. You could cobble an audio equivalent whilst you figure out the finer points of TV production. At least you get a handle on how the dialogue sounds.

That is a cracking idea. I'd thought about a TTH run through already. Baz can play a mental health first aider.

[Pepe]

It has no close up to products or whatnots. It does have two people interacting...and?

How many POVs does your first scene have? You probably want to think of things like that. Or not, I am sure that phonics got you covered.

[Yevrah]

Alright, fucking hell, I was only trying to throw some helpful ideas around.

I'll do sarcastic sniping instead from now on then.

You seem to have taken that far worse than it was meant. It was just a deferential explanation of why I don't think teaming up with a script writer would work.

[Baz]

The official trailer now has 54 views #progress #life4lyfe

Now available in 8K too.

[Yevrah]

How many POVs does your first scene have? You probably want to think of things like that. Or not, I am sure that phonics got you covered.

Thank you.

I think that scene can be filmed from one angle though.

[SvN]

It doesn’t have to go straight to video, really. Most of BBC’s stuff started as radio. You could cobble an audio equivalent whilst you figure out the finer points of TV production. At least you get a handle on how the dialogue sounds.

This is true. On the Hour was basically The Day Today in radio format.

Having read Yev's script, however, I'm not sure how well something like this would translate to audio only. But what the fuck do I know?

[Yevrah]

This is true. On the Hour was basically The Day Today in radio format.

Having read Yev's script, however, I'm not sure how well something like this would translate to audio only. But what the fuck do I know?

I wouldn't do it as a radio show as I've no interest in that, but at some point I need to hear how it sounds and that point needs to come well before I start attempting to actually organise anything.

[Spikey M]

Just keep in mind that absolutely anything would sound awful in Baz's accent.

[Yevrah]

Just keep in mind that absolutely anything would sound awful in Baz's accent.

I would love to see a clip of Baz explaining how he got to be a mental health first aider and what that entails. I don't know whether I could work it in but I think it could be un-intentional comedy gold.

[Spikey M]

I can't get past Jamie Carragher saying "so I just tell them to keep their chins up" in the TV version.

[Yevrah]

I can't get past Jamie Carragher saying "so I just tell them to keep their chins up" in the TV version.

In my mind it's Baz parroting what he's been told, but getting bits of it wrong because he doesn't believe in any of it and is only doing it because it led to a pay-rise, but he can't say that so he's behaving like it's life and death stuff/seriously important.

[Baz]

I'm starting to think you must have been in some of the monthly meetings forums.

[Jimmy Floyd]

I told Yev I would give him some feedback so I might as well do it here so he doesn't have to dig through his PMs for it. Scene 1.

His script in the spoiler.


Life (Working Title) - The Pilot

Opening scene on the moon, the flag the US placed can be seen and in the distance is earth, we zoom in through Google Maps to a co-op. A middle aged (late 30s grump is trying to buy some vape juice). The year is 2020 but all the audience can tell is it's modern day-ish.

SCENE 1 - Approx Runtime 3 mins.

https://i.postimg.cc/mrRMbx6D/1-Co-OP.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Bread, milk, 8 selection variety box of cereal and 8 Bud Lights have been scanned.

David: "Please can I have two 6MG Wild Berry Vape Juice"
Cashier: "Sorry, which one"
David: "6MG, Wild Berry Vape Juice. Two of them"
David: "No, that's wild ice"
David: "To the right"
David: "THE RIGHT"
Cashier: "This one?"
David: "No the next one"
Cashier: "Gotcha"
David: "THE RIGHT!"
David: "No, 6MG"
Cashier "We don't have any"
David "You do, I'm literally looking at them"

LONG PAUSE

Cashier: "Oh yeah, sorry we do have it"

PUTS ONE ON THE TILL

David: "Two please"

Cashier: "How many?"

AUDIBLE SIGH

David: "Two"

VAPE JUICE WON'T SCAN, AN ETERNITY PASSES AS THE NUMBER ON THE BARCODE IS TYPED IN, TWICE

Cashier: "That'll be £39.90 please, how are you paying?"

David: "I'm not paying £39.90, the vape juice is £2.49 a bottle"

Cashier: "No, it's not"

David: "Yes, yes it is"

Cashier: "Well it's scanned at £14.95"

David: "Yes, that's wrong, look at the ticket on the shelf. It's £2.49 - the description matches perfectly"

Cashier: "Oh yeah, sorry"

David: "No probs"

Cashier: "£14.98 please?"

David pays and says thanks, picks up his shit and leaves.

Music starts playing and gets louder:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-fyNgHdmLI

David walks back to what appears to be his house, aerial shot. It's a cold but sunny day, he's not dressed appropriately. Says hello to a couple of people before letting himself in. Music is now loud.

Puts the milk in the fridge and the cereal and bread on the side before unpacking the beers from their shit cardboard packaging. They nearly fall and smash on the kitchen floor but he salvages things. Clock on the microwave says 7:45 am.

He takes the 8 beers into another room downstairs which is a shower and toilet room and puts the beers in the shower, turns on the shower head and wets them before applying Lynx Africa shower gel to the top of each. Washes them furiously and seems pleased with this. Picks them up and puts them on the side in the kitchen next to the fridge and grabs his laptop bag and puts it by the front door and heads upstairs undressing as he goes. Arse shot maybe included here. Music fades out and screen cuts to black.

Now, I should start by saying I don't know anything about screenplays or TV production or anything like that, so I'm not going to come at it from that angle. I'm going to come at it from a pure storytelling angle, which I do know a bit about as I have read a lot in my life and also done a fair bit of experimental writing on my own for fun (I have no illusions of ever doing it professionally on any level).

So after we zoom in from the moon to the co-op (which is a bit of a cliché, by the way, unless being used ironically for comedic purposes, which I can't quite discern from this script if it is the case. Hasn't it been done in Shaun of the Dead?) we have a guy trying to buy vape juice. First of all, 'Please can I have'. We don't need this unless the guy is going out of his way to be especially polite, or unless we are trying to show that he is a very polite person. I don't think we are.

Then we have a sort of semi-farce that goes on for quite a long time, with the cashier unable or unwilling to identify the vape juice that the guy is asking for. We spend a good 20 seconds doing that. Then we have a second similar dispute about number of items required, followed by a third regarding price. You don't need three unless it's a scene that is long and drawn out for comedic purposes (in a Stewart Lee sort of way) which in Episode 1 Scene 1 you haven't yet earned the right to do.

My question is what this scene is trying to establish. I'm getting two possibilities:

1. The cashier is a dickhead
2. The cashier is terminally useless

We have spent a good two minutes establishing one of these things, neither of which appear to matter to the story, and not a lot else. The protagonist doesn't seem to be doing a lot other than being reasonably patient in the face of this dickhead and/or useless cashier. So in the first two minutes of this thing, I have learned that the cashier is a dickhead/useless, and the person who turns out to be the protagonist vapes, is fairly polite, and reasonably patient.

I don't think that's great bang for your buck in terms of the first introduction for a character that the audience needs to either love, hate, or at least care about in some way.

If you want to open up with the protagonist having a scene buying vape juice from a useless/dickhead cashier, you need to have something faintly unusual happen OR you need the antics of the useless/dickhead cashier to be a quick (20 seconds) gag in keeping with gags to come. Then you need to set David moving fast towards a setting where we're going to learn a lot more about him. If you're going to linger on this vape juice buying escapade, David needs to actually show some character traits that teach the audience something about him. Maybe he'll lose his shit and swear at the cashier. Maybe he'll continue being needlessly polite. Maybe he'll cower away like a child and accept a different vape juice from the one he wanted, to avoid confrontation. In all of those scenarios, you have learned something about him. In the draft presented above I'm not sure you have.

'It's a cold, but sunny day - he's not dressed appropriately'. How do we know this? Are the people he is saying hello to all dressed in hats and coats, while he's in a vest? If the fact that he's not dressed appropriately matters in terms of getting to know him, which presumably does, then you need to demonstrate it starkly. If someone's under-dressed on a cold day, it tells me either that he can't afford warm clothes (which seems unlikely as he's just paid 15 quid for some vape juice and beers), or is too lazy, or doesn't feel the cold (i.e. is impervious or depressed), or is a bit mental.

Next up he's gone into his house and is putting beers under the shower and putting shower gel on the top. Now I am presuming these are the actions of some kind of mental case. OK - a character who has lost his mind or is incredibly eccentric in some way. If I have derived the correct conclusion from his actions with the beers, how does this tally with his reasonable and patient actions in the Co-op? At this point I'm a bit confused as to who he is. At this point, rather than seeing his arse (every conceivable character has one of those), I need more information. Why is he putting beers under the shower at 7.45am? Even a mental case has motivations. And the last thing I need is for you to cut to another timeline.

If I'm correct in my assumptions and the point of this scene is to demonstrate that your character is a reasonable human being on the outside but actually somewhat heads-have-gone unhinged, I need that transition to happen in a much more fluid way. He needs to spend the first minute or so doing a series of quick everyday things. The cashier thing can take 15-20 seconds. It's 7.45am, maybe on the walk home he can pick up a teddy bear for a passing child who has dropped one. When he passes the people dressed up warm, you might spend 10 seconds giving some detail on the small talk. "Morning, Trudy, how are you?" Maybe she engages briefly, or maybe she just smiles and walks on if she knows he is unhinged. Then he can transition from this to his beer-shower gel madness smoothly, in such a way that it is quite funny and also tells you that all is not well upstairs. All this can take a minute or less. That way you don't have to blow 2-3 minutes buying vape juice and can get the same or better information across.

If I'm not correct in my assumptions about the point of the scene, then I don't know what the point of the scene is.

[Yevrah]

That is absolute Gold Jim, thank you very much.

When I'm done with work for the evening I'll respond to the points raised and what I was trying to get at in an effort to work out how I can better achieve that.

[Yevrah]

And you absolutely could write professionally, there's no doubt about that.

[Kikó]

https://i.imgur.com/1p1TQSC.jpg

[Spikey M]

:D

[Yevrah]

That is brilliant. :D

[7om]

:lol:

[Yevrah]

Nice touch to do it as a released DVD rather than a torn up script too. :D

[Lofty]

:D

Yev, I know you don't care for it but drop a tenner on Bob Saenz's That's Not The Way It Works screenwriting book. It's not an epic tome, you could get through it pretty quick and it has a lot of good stuff about formatting and similar to Jim's stuff about subtext and exposition.

Here is a good example (admittedly not sitcom) of subtext:


https://youtu.be/eZGZ4w4CjKs

[Spammer]

I do think there's a point where it becomes a paint by numbers exercise if you go by formulaic rules all the time.

Change the game, Yev. Throw the rulebook out the window and create something truly groundbreaking and paradigm shifting. Don't listen to these squares.

[Jimmy Floyd]

You don't have to go with formulaic rules but you do (absolutely, in every case) have to engage your audience.

First two scenes of episode 1 of Peep Show are a great example of how to introduce a protagonist (or two, in this case). 45 seconds each and you feel like you know them.

[Spammer]

Yev could make the next Eraserhead

[Jimmy Floyd]

I guess he could make one of those French films from the 70s where an ugly middle aged man sits smoking a cigarette in silence for 15 minutes and then a naked woman enters and says: "Pain?" "Non." Then another 10 minutes.

[Pepe]

Can't throw out the rulebook out of the window if you don't even have the rulebook in the first place.

[Spammer]

We can only hope.

I bet Citizen Kane wasn't made using guide books.

[igor_balis]

I guess he could make one of those French films from the 70s where an ugly middle aged man sits smoking a cigarette in silence for 15 minutes and then a naked woman enters and says: "Pain?" "Non." Then another 10 minutes.

The big budget mr plow advert the agency makes.

I watched the Czech film daisies which was a bit like that. I like arty and weird but that was too much for me.

[Pepe]

By the time Citizen Kane was made, Orson Welles had been doing theater for decades. I am sure that he knew a thing of two about the fundamentals.

[Spammer]

I'm being facetious. It's humbling to one's ego to think that there a rules to follow, but yeah...there are.

That said, Yev could be the one who made it on his own and be an inspiration to all of us join the dots simpletons.

[Spammer]

He really could, you just never know.

[Yevrah]

First two scenes of episode 1 of Peep Show are a great example of how to introduce a protagonist (or two, in this case). 45 seconds each and you feel like you know them.

Genuine question here, are you judging that on the script or the finished product? If it's the latter, would you have felt the same only reading the script?

[Pepe]

I'm being facetious.

Nevermind me, then.

Of course he could, but it is always foolish to think that you will be the special one that will get to skip the grind.

It's like thinking that you should drop college because both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs did. Well, sure, but how did dropping out turn out for the other thousands that did?

[Pepe]

Genuine question here, are you judging that on the script or the finished product? If it's the latter, would you have felt the same only reading the script?

You be the judge:

http://sotcaa.org/editnews/peepshow_pilotscript01.html

[Yevrah]

You be the judge:

http://sotcaa.org/editnews/peepshow_pilotscript01.html

Tough to now as I can't read it without seeing the scene exactly as it is. The level of description of events is very useful to see though, it's not as much as I expected.

[Pepe]

Yeah, seeing the formatting should help.

The thing with screenwriting (which I think others have mentioned already) is that the director will just use your script as a guideline and then do whatever the fuck he wants.

[SvN]

By the time Citizen Kane was made, Orson Welles had been doing theater for decades. I am sure that he knew a thing of two about the fundamentals.

27 year old Orson Welles had been doing theatre for decades? Legend.

[Spammer]

You can buy books of the first 4 seasons of Peep Show

[Yevrah]

Yeah, seeing the formatting should help.

The thing with screenwriting (which I think others have mentioned already) is that the director will just use your script as a guideline and then do whatever the fuck he wants.

Yep, which is why I need to direct this too.

[SvN]

Tough to now as I can't read it without seeing the scene exactly as it is. The level of description of events is very useful to see though, it's not as much as I expected.

Not sure what you read, but there are some pretty significant differences between that script and the finished scene.

[Pepe]

27 year old Orson Welles had been doing theatre for decades? Legend.

Alright, decade?

[Pepe]

Yep, which is why I need to direct this too.

The pilot or the entire thing?

[Yevrah]

As for Jim's post, comments below. Tried to avoid making this a multi-quote fest, hence why it's just musings, so hope it makes sense.

"Please can I have?" definitely needs to go.
Vape scene is too long and I don't have anywhere near enough description of stuff in there. It's in my head, but not on the page
The scene itself was trying to establish that there are things in life that fuck David off, that being one of them, but lack of description of his reaction means it doesn't do so enough



If I'm correct in my assumptions and the point of this scene is to demonstrate that your character is a reasonable human being on the outside but actually somewhat heads-have-gone unhinged, I need that transition to happen in a much more fluid way. He needs to spend the first minute or so doing a series of quick everyday things. The cashier thing can take 15-20 seconds. It's 7.45am, maybe on the walk home he can pick up a teddy bear for a passing child who has dropped one. When he passes the people dressed up warm, you might spend 10 seconds giving some detail on the small talk. "Morning, Trudy, how are you?" Maybe she engages briefly, or maybe she just smiles and walks on if she knows he is unhinged. Then he can transition from this to his beer-shower gel madness smoothly, in such a way that it is quite funny and also tells you that all is not well upstairs. All this can take a minute or less. That way you don't have to blow 2-3 minutes buying vape juice and can get the same or better information across.

He's definitely not mental, but wanted the audience to think that in the first 10 minutes, so job done and now I just need to get them to care.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Tough to now as I can't read it without seeing the scene exactly as it is. The level of description of events is very useful to see though, it's not as much as I expected.

The detail isn't that important, as you can see they have crossed out multiple versions, and even the one there is a long way from what it ends up being on screen. What matters, and what stays the same, is the A to B and why the scene exists.

In this case, Mark just saying 'I am the Lord of the Bus said he', having just successfully run for a bus in the first few seconds you meet him, on its own gives you a great idea of the character before anything else has even happened. It's an example of good, concise writing. The rest of the scene is then setting up future plot as much as anything and can do more or less as it pleases because the audience immediately have an idea of who they're dealing with.

[Yevrah]

The pilot or the entire thing?

Both. It'll never end up the way I see it if I don't.

[Yevrah]

The vape scene thing was going to be a recurring thing (think Fast show, "that seat's taken mate") of going into the local shop and having to deal with shit like that, sometimes he'll just give up and go for Marlborough instead, sometimes he won't.

But completely agree, that length has not been earned for an opening scene.

[Jimmy Floyd]

As for Jim's post, comments below. Tried to avoid making this a multi-quote fest, hence why it's just musings, so hope it makes sense.

"Please can I have?" definitely needs to go.
Vape scene is too long and I don't have anywhere near enough description of stuff in there. It's in my head, but not on the page
The scene itself was trying to establish that there are things in life that fuck David off, that being one of them, but lack of description of his reaction means it doesn't do so enough

So he's frustrated / annoyed at life? Then cut out all the stuff about item no / price, and have him say 'Jeez, it's the blue one, right in front of you'. That one line (or one like it) gets the character over far better than another three minutes of pointless dialogue.

[Yevrah]

In this case, Mark just saying 'I am the Lord of the Bus said he', having just successfully run for a bus in the first few seconds you meet him, on its own gives you a great idea of the character before anything else has even happened. It's an example of good, concise writing. The rest of the scene is then setting up future plot as much as anything and can do more or less as it pleases because the audience immediately have an idea of who they're dealing with.

Makes one realise that Peep Show's thinking out loud mechanic was not only funny, but an absolute work of genius. It does so much of the legwork.

[Yevrah]

So he's frustrated / annoyed at life? Then cut out all the stuff about item no / price, and have him say 'Jeez, it's the blue one, right in front of you'. That one line (or one like it) gets the character over far better than another three minutes of pointless dialogue.

Yep. Although they genuinely do have all of the same packaging, the only distinguishing thing is the name and the strength.

I'm gonna sketch out the rest of it this week, post that and then go back and fuck with the stuff already posted.

[Yevrah]

:D

Yev, I know you don't care for it but drop a tenner on Bob Saenz's That's Not The Way It Works screenwriting book. It's not an epic tome, you could get through it pretty quick and it has a lot of good stuff about formatting and similar to Jim's stuff about subtext and exposition.

Here is a good example (admittedly not sitcom) of subtext:


https://youtu.be/eZGZ4w4CjKs

Thanks Lofty, I'll check it out.

[Don]

Listen, lad, unless you are intending on getting copious amounts of ethnics, women and aspirational homes in gentrified London locations into the mix, just save us all the bother. The amount of shit like Starstruck that gets released to wide acclaim almost purely down to those factors is mad.

The missus' best mate is a manager of OnlyFans talent. By manager, I mean she chats with the Mahows and manages the account, all the actual girl does is post up the odd bit of content and meet specific requests from the manager. Some of the tales she has write themselves. Vials of spit for £50, dates with 70 year old sugar daddies who 'just want company', some of the fan art...add in the dynamic that the central character is a muslim girl and you have what can only be described as the perfect storm for a sitcom that will take the world by storm in the coming years.

[Yevrah]

Flicking through Sky and the first episode of Peep Show is on Gold now. :D

And your mind is a terrifying place Don.

[Pepe]

Both. It'll never end up the way I see it if I don't.

Then you should plan to be the executive producer too.

[Yevrah]

Then you should plan to be the executive producer too.

Why do you say that?

[Pepe]

Because I doubt that anyone is investing any amount of money and letting someone who has never directed anything to take the role. Do you plan to do the photography yourself too?

I could be wrong, of course. I am sure that someone will come up with some example of this or that who did just that.

[Yevrah]

Because I doubt that anyone is investing any amount of money and letting someone who has never directed anything to take the role. Do you plan to do the photography yourself too?

I could be wrong, of course. I am sure that someone will come up with some example of this or that who did just that.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0290978/fullcredits/?ref_=tt_cl_sm

[Pepe]

There you go.

[Yevrah]

Gervais himself calls it a watershed as it had never happened before, but they filmed bits of what it would look like first in order to seal the deal.

[Yevrah]

But and in any case, there's no point concerning oneself with any of that now.

[Lewis]

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant were reasonably well-known showbiz figures with a fair bit of telly under their belts (I don't know why he's so ashamed of Meet Ricky Gervais), and it was also made in an era when the BBC comedy people were probably allowed to take punts on all sorts of shit with no budgetary oversight. A better model would be This Country, which was largely commissioned off YouTube stuff and a failed pilot, although they had to work with better-known writers and a director (and are probably glad they did). Unless you knock out literally the best script in twenty years, insisting that you get to control everything sounds like the surest way to make sure nothing ever happens.

[Mike]

I would love to see a clip of Baz explaining how he got to be a mental health first aider and what that entails. I don't know whether I could work it in but I think it could be un-intentional comedy gold.

I can film him doing this.

[Yevrah]

If you and Baz are up for that then great.

[Kikó]

1419938732866686977?s=20

Like they've written it about this.

[Yevrah]

Interesting. I need to play on that hugely then I think. I am not a writer, let alone a famous one.

[Yevrah]

It's like thinking that you should drop college because both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs did. Well, sure, but how did dropping out turn out for the other thousands that did?

On this point, it isn't, as I'm not dropping anything to do it. It's a free time project and will stay as such until it's worth being more. Which it may well never be. I'll have lost nothing.

[Pepe]

It wasn't meant to be similar in that way. Also not necessarily directed at you. It was more of a general point that thinking that you will be the one to do things differently (because one outstanding person has managed before) is a bit foolish. Chances are, you are not the special one. Again, I don't mean you you, but you as in anyone.

[Don]

Can you two stop tickling eachother's balls like utter repressed melts? Fucking seeing Yev's 6 word sentences as he tries to restrain himself whilst Pepe has 4 caveats for every 3 words used to protect himself. This is what happens when society is softened to this degree.

[Pepe]

Weren't you the one who chimped out and left for a few years because we mocked your new username? Go sit in the corner with Magic.

[Yevrah]

Don. :D

[Pepe]

I would watch his thing with the onlyfans. Don, I will help you with the pilot.

[Don]

How is there not an online tool for writing scripts? Are people seriously still formatting their own shit like it's a 2010 uni dissertation? Put down the artistry paintbrush and work on making something like that that can incorporate basic storyboards too.

One of my mates has gone deep into the reddit virgin community whilst writing scripts too so it must be a very in thing to be getting involved in judging by TTH numbers.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Scripts seem so boring to me.

Suburban street, ext. DAVE and GLADYS stand beside a wheely bin. A cat is sat on a nearby wall.

DAVE
Put the cat in the bin, would ya?

GLADYS
Sure thing, darlin'.

GLADYS puts the cat in a bin. DAVE laughs. Enter BORIS.

BORIS
*loud pig-like noise*

So, so boring. Each to his own, I guess.

[Pepe]

They're not meant to be read.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Exactly, so fuck wanting to write one. Might as well want to write machinery manuals.

[Spikey M]

Scripts seem so boring to me.

Suburban street, ext. DAVE and GLADYS stand beside a wheely bin. A cat is sat on a nearby wall.

DAVE
Put the cat in the bin, would ya?

GLADYS
Sure thing, darlin'.

GLADYS puts the cat in a bin. DAVE laughs. Enter BORIS.

BORIS
*loud pig-like noise*

So, so boring. Each to his own, I guess.

Would watch. Get it made.

[Lofty]

How is there not an online tool for writing scripts? Are people seriously still formatting their own shit like it's a 2010 uni dissertation? Put down the artistry paintbrush and work on making something like that that can incorporate basic storyboards too.

One of my mates has gone deep into the reddit virgin community whilst writing scripts too so it must be a very in thing to be getting involved in judging by TTH numbers.

There's plenty of specialist software and more general software that does the formatting for you.

[Giggles]

Exactly, so fuck wanting to write one. Might as well want to write machinery manuals.

:drool:

[Lofty]

Scripts seem so boring to me.

Suburban street, ext. DAVE and GLADYS stand beside a wheely bin. A cat is sat on a nearby wall.

DAVE
Put the cat in the bin, would ya?

GLADYS
Sure thing, darlin'.

GLADYS puts the cat in a bin. DAVE laughs. Enter BORIS.

BORIS
*loud pig-like noise*

So, so boring. Each to his own, I guess.

True for the majority, but when done well I'd argue they can paint as vivid a picture as the most considered prose. Look at the opening of Secondhand Lions, not even a full page and how arresting it is with so few words:

https://i.ibb.co/7WjkW3R/Screenshot-20210727-181318-Adobe-Acrobat.jpg

[SvN]

Has this died?

[Yevrah]

Not quite. Life took over and having been back at work this week haven't felt like doing much on it in the evenings.

[Lofty]

You need to get back into your shag - write a scene - shag process, clearly.

[Yevrah]

That was a great night. Not sitcom worthy, but great nonetheless.

[Shindig]

Nobody has 'so shit it's funny' sex.

[Spikey M]

That was a great night. Not sitcom worthy, but great nonetheless.

You're only a faulty condom away from TV's first comedy abortion. (Or was that Miranda :baz:)