What's the hardest animal you reckon you could take in a fight?

[Offshore Toon]

No weapons allowed. Just you and an animal in a wrestling ring. You either pin it or kill it.

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Does a knockout count?

Which reminds me-


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIRT7lf8byw

[Spikey M]

I could kick the shit out of a beached whale.

[Dan]

A cow. Preferably when it's asleep, so I can just tip it & get the three count, but they're probably pretty easy to punch in the face, and if it all goes badly they're not super fast or agile, so I could probably get away from it. Either that or a shark/whale out of water.

Bears, rhinos & hippos are the kings in this though, I'd imagine. Maybe an elephant or a bison too.

EDIT: Damn, Spikey already beat me to the beached whale schtick :moop:

[Alan Shearer The 2nd]

Maybe an elephant?

[Disco]

Whales don't have shoulders so good luck pinning one.

Are these animals as they are in the wild (in which case I win almost every bout by count out) or are they motivated to actually get involved?

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

A sloth, I'd have the speed advantage.

[Dan]

Don't they have massive claws though?

[Spikey M]

Whales don't have shoulders so good luck pinning one.


Then you put your feet up and wait to win be death.

That is unless Mother Nature(boy) hits you with the steel chair that is a high tide.

[Baz]

An otter.

[Disco]

Imagine the humiliation when the sloth utterly mugs off Mahow.

[Jimmy Floyd]

A cow. Preferably when it's asleep, so I can just tip it & get the three count, but they're probably pretty easy to punch in the face, and if it all goes badly they're not super fast or agile, so I could probably get away from it. Either that or a shark/whale out of water.

Bears, rhinos & hippos are the kings in this though, I'd imagine. Maybe an elephant or a bison too.

EDIT: Damn, Spikey already beat me to the beached whale schtick :moop:

I've had a run in with cows before, they need extreme respect or they will fuck you up.

I could probably deal with a sheep if I had to.

[Spikey M]

Imagine the humiliation when the sloth utterly mugs off Mahow.

It’ll be a Female and he ends it all it a puddle of his own bodily fluids.

[Offshore Toon]

I would say a whale, beached or otherwise, isn't particularly 'hard' (using the schoolyard definition).


Whales don't have shoulders so good luck pinning one.

Are these animals as they are in the wild (in which case I win almost every bout by count out) or are they motivated to actually get involved?
They're well up for it and so are you.

[Spikey M]

Bronson once beat a Rottweiler in a fight, So I reckon I could take a Spaniel or something.

[Disco]

Cows are endlessly inbred and unbelievably stupid, as such they are not to be trusted in the slightest as you can never predict what idiot shit they are about to do. Horses are only slightly better, they will be surprised at such terrifying things as the floor or the building they've lived in their entire lives. Plus when they inevitably get surprised by a tree three fields away they are likely to just kick you to death without realising. Both are still preferable to badgers though, stinking rancid dickheads that they are.

[Sir Andy Mahowry]

Don't they have massive claws though?
I'd stick and move.

Use my range and speed.

[Spikey M]

A woman I work with was chucked off her horse because she tried to ride it past an ornamental wooden mushroom. He’s also kicked her in the minge and stood on her foot in this last year.

I’m not sure who’s the biggest dick head in this scenario. Probably her for bankrupting herself to fund it.

[Disco]

And still....

https://i.imgur.com/G4Mb1Vf.png

[Kikó]

A chicken. Piece of piss. Not even a contest.

[Samadini]

Remember when Sean's mate got mugged off by an Ostrich and he tried to headbutt it in anger?

[John]

My sister works with horses and every time I see her there are about three new stories about one of the skittish fucks booting someone. One of them kicked her in the leg having been startled by its own tail touching it, and she couldn't walk for six weeks. I don't know why you'd bother.

[Dan]

I've had a run in with cows before, they need extreme respect or they will fuck you up.

I could probably deal with a sheep if I had to.

Yeah, but then a sheep could give you a nasty nip. Horses are bastards though, they'll kick your face off.

Definitely cow > sheep > horse of the three. Dogs are a probably above all three though, assuming you don't get to specify the breed.

[Lewis]

I was once play-wrestling the dog and he shit himself all over me in self-defence, so I would want something that I could knock out (or at least take to Suplex City) rather than have to roll around with. Farm animals could no doubt stand up to somebody booting them all day, so I don't know. A big dog?

[Foe]

A moderate sized wasp would be in for some serious shit from Foe.

[Reg]

I ran away from a cow recently. My dog was staring it down, and I couldn't tell if he was about to run at it. I thought - although it would be fascinating - I better not let him go one on one against a cow so I told him to sit and put him on the lead. That'd be the end of that, I thought, starting to turn away to walk down the path - and then the cow starts charging us. We run down the path about forty yards and I don't look back, figuring any time saved could be valuable in case this is some specially bred speedster cow (how fast are regular cows anyway?) and the heart's pumping and finally I think it's safe to look back as we haven't heard the cow's footsteps for a while.

Unfortunately this story has a very dull ending: the cow's only made it a short way down the path, now gives up, turns around and walks off the path back to his chill out spot.

To answer the question, maybe a koala.

[Pepe]

how fast are regular cows anyway?

Faster than most of us. They're lazy as fuck though, so they'll give up fast enough.

[Disco]

Fast enough.

[Kikó]

Happy days.

[Giggles]

Never.

[Disco]

So cow racing is absolutely a thing and it might be the most badass looking sport on the planet. If we have to obsess over races between animals we really should just be eating then why not have it look like this rather than a load of starved irishmen in pyjamas.

https://i.imgur.com/Gxx5WwA.png

https://i.imgur.com/T7FFEa4.jpg

[Jimmy Floyd]

I ran away from a cow recently. My dog was staring it down, and I couldn't tell if he was about to run at it. I thought - although it would be fascinating - I better not let him go one on one against a cow so I told him to sit and put him on the lead. That'd be the end of that, I thought, starting to turn away to walk down the path - and then the cow starts charging us. We run down the path about forty yards and I don't look back, figuring any time saved could be valuable in case this is some specially bred speedster cow (how fast are regular cows anyway?) and the heart's pumping and finally I think it's safe to look back as we haven't heard the cow's footsteps for a while.

Unfortunately this story has a very dull ending: the cow's only made it a short way down the path, now gives up, turns around and walks off the path back to his chill out spot.

To answer the question, maybe a koala.

My cow story is almost identical to that, with a similarly dull ending, except in my case there were 40 of the fuckers. Googled it afterwards and sure enough loads of people get killed by cows every year. Think the whole thing was the biggest adrenaline rush I've ever had.

They give you the dirtiest look imaginable. Chewing and side-eyes like henchmen in a gangster movie.

[Pepe]

That does look intense. :D

[Disco]

That does look intense. :D

You don't even know son.

https://i.imgur.com/wshSJfj.png

[ScousePig]

I can't believe the most talked about animals in this thread, considering the thread title.

I could have one of my cats definitely, but not sure about the other.

[Pepe]

Regular sized cats I am sure most of us could take, but not without receiving damage.

[Spoonsky]

All a cat needs is a good kicking, same for any animal that size.

[Offshore Toon]

Yeah, cats aren't hard. I think a cow could be taken if you were agile enough to get on its back.

Where do you think humans rank among apes? We must be able to take some of the little manky ones.

[Disco]

Baboons and upward would be a problem, everything else gets twisted in half.

[randomlegend]

Yeah, cats aren't hard. I think a cow could be taken if you were agile enough to get on its back.

Where do you think humans rank among apes? We must be able to take some of the little manky ones.

What are you going to do once you're on it's back without a weapon? I very much doubt a non-freakshow human would be able to choke it out or anything.

[Pepe]

Lets admit it, we are weak as fuck. That is why we had to develop intelligence.

[Jimmy Floyd]

Hercules, in the Labours, had to deal with (in order) a lion, a deer, a wild boar, a bull and some horses, and that's without the mythical beasts. I feel like either we've regressed horribly, or it isn't a true story.

[Offshore Toon]

What are you going to do once you're on it's back without a weapon? I very much doubt a non-freakshow human would be able to choke it out or anything.
Ride it out till it gets tired then boot it in the udders.

[Disco]

Hercules, in the Labours, had to deal with (in order) a lion, a deer, a wild boar, a bull and some horses, and that's without the mythical beasts. I feel like either we've regressed horribly, or it isn't a true story.

Zeus was the first celebrity sex offender so it has verisimilitude at least.

[ItalAussie]

I'd back myself against a kangaroo if it came to it.

I once saw an elk that had gotten stuck in a confined area, and was angry about the situation. It was kicking out, and it was apparent to me that if I got anywhere near it, I'd be dead almost instantly. They're a scarily powerful creature.

[Queenslander]

A big Red kangaroo? Im shit scared of a grumpy koala just from the growl alone.

[ItalAussie]

A big Red kangaroo? Im shit scared of a grumpy koala just from the growl alone.

I was thinking a grey one. I've never seen a red one up close - only at a distance. But I reckon it'd be a pretty close one even against a red. They'd be stronger, but they'd have to kick out, and as long as you kept an eye out, you could probably get around behind it, maybe?

[Lewis]

Can't they stab (and even gut) you with their feet? You would be too busy watching that to properly chin one.

[ItalAussie]

Can't they stab (and even gut) you with their feet? You would be too busy watching that to properly chin one.

I don't think the feet are sharp. They can hit you pretty hard, but they have to be reared up on their tail to do that, which you'd think would limit their range of motion?

[Henry]

I have ocassionally been harassed by large dogs when out running. I wear a heartrate monitor and you can actually see spikes on the graph when I upload the data.

So far none of them have actually attacked me, but I've often wondered how it would go if they did. Probably a score draw - blood drawn by them before I get my kicks in.

[Disco]

You'd fancy yourself against most dogs, unless they get you on the ground and go for the neck our size advantage should see us through.

[Spammer]

How would you kill a beached whale with your bare hands?

[Lewis]

Chuck sand in its mouth.

[phonics]

Maybe a goose.

[Spikey M]

How would you kill a beached whale with your bare hands?

Punches and time.

[ItalAussie]

You'd fancy yourself against most dogs, unless they get you on the ground and go for the neck our size advantage should see us through.

Teeth and claws? I'd back large dogs against people, I reckon. Sorry, Henry.