Feeling bummed out

[Magic]

My best mate from a few years back topped himself earlier today. I'd really distanced myself from him after the wedding shambles, and we drifted apart. I guess that was about 5 years ago that we really properly spoke.

I had pretty much isolated myself from my 'former life'. I'd seen a couple of things on FB from him that were worrying, a few comments about things not going well and stuff but just put it down to FB venting. His last one was that picture of a guy with a head in his hands and all the negative buzz words flying around his head. I nearly, ever so nearly messaged him but I didn't, because I didn't need extra hassle or anyone latching on to me at this moment in my life. What a selfish cunt I am. That said, he could be a total knobber at times and that did impact my decision, especially now I've got a kid and have real responsibilities.

At that point there probably wasn't much I could have done but I didn't reach out.

If you do see anything like that, reach out guys. Reach out. For fucking shame. He's left behind his daughter (I'm sure this contributed to it, him and the mum didn't get on at all which was mostly his fault and he kept letting her down) and I'm heartbroken for his parents who were one of the greatest couples you could know.

[Giggles]

You didn't know so you're not to blame. It's all on him and I'd save the worry for whoever he left behind.

[Magic]

You didn't know so you're not to blame. It's all on him and I'd save the worry for whoever he left behind.

I know that. It's just...shocking is all. I knew he was partial to a bit of attention (aren't we all) but fuck me not this. It's a shame because I was really close to his mum and dad, I hope they don't think anything like I'm a cunt or whatever when I see them again. We did just drift apart (more me than him) because I wanted to grow up and move on whereas he didn't.

[bruhnaldo]

Not your fault. When people get into those funks it's hard to say anything that'll actually help.

You've had plenty going on in your life to worry about fixing someone else's. Pay your respects and work to move past this.

Really sorry you're going thru this but don't blame yourself at all.

[Pepe]

That really sucks. At least be happy that you dropped that haircut.

[Spikey M]

Well, that's shit to say the least. Fuck all you could have done in all likelihood, but natural to feel like you should have somehow been able to.

[ItalAussie]

I'm really sorry to hear that. A PhD student in my department committed suicide a few years ago, and it's difficult to rationalise it. Suicide always seems like such a difficult and avoidable form of death, and you always find yourself asking whether you should have behaved differently in some way or whether you could have helped.

I didn't know the student well, and I was still reeling for a couple of weeks. It takes a while to fully deal with it, and to accept that you couldn't have done more than you did. All I can say is take some time - even take a day off work to get yourself on a more even keel. It will pass, but it won't feel good for a while, and it won't pass quickly.

[Magic]

Oh lord his mum just added me on Facebook... :(

[Lewis]

Don't leave her hanging.

[Magic]

I don't think he hung himself.

I'm dreading what they think about me. How selfish is that of me.

[Giggles]

You drifted apart, it's not like you'd been going out of your way to mistreat him for years. I wouldn't look too much into it or get into anything with her.

[Lewis]

Hanged. And yeah. You sound too into this.

[bruhnaldo]

I'm sure she's just looking for answers. You should deffo reach out to her and send your best at least.

[Spikey M]

She's probably just making funeral arrangements and is adding his friends to let them know when and where.

[Giggles]

She's probably just making funeral arrangements and is adding his friends to let them know when and where.

That sounds more plausible.

Unfortunately Magic hasn't been back so he's most likely overthought the whole thing, completely panicked, and is halfway through an hour long apology for killing her son over messenger.

[bruhnaldo]

I mean you gotta remember bro. This isn't really about you and the awkwardness you feel.

It's an awful, awful thing and I know you feel bad about it, that's natural. But try to remember that someone has lost a son, a brother/sister, father, etc.

Your awkward feels pale in comparison to what they're going thru.

The best thing you can do is just reach out to them, tell them how sorry you are, explain to them (if they ask) that no, unfortunately you haven't really been in contact with him recently but you obviously wish things would've turned out differently, tell them you're there for them if they need anything, etc.

Don't just bottle it and go into hiding from them.

[Magic]

That sounds more plausible.

Unfortunately Magic hasn't been back so he's most likely overthought the whole thing, completely panicked, and is halfway through an hour long apology for killing her son over messenger.

:D

You're such a massive cunt.

Anyone want to proof read my apology?

[Giggles]

:D

You're such a massive cunt.

Anyone want to proof read my apology?

I don't mean to be in this case, was just making the point you're way over thinking this. Not one iota of blame lies with you, friends drift apart all the time. That's just life.

It's really shit what happened him and what his family must be going through but you don't owe any apologies, nor would they help. I've a mate similar myself from years ago. We were completely inseparable from the age of 7 will we were around 20. Haven't laid eyes on him in 10 years even though he lives around an hour away, but if he did similar tomorrow it's fuck all to do with me.

[Magic]

It's weird some people I used to knock about with have messaged me and added me as a friend. This funeral will be weird, like a portal back to a life i left behind.

It turns out he did have mental health trouble, his dad has posted. I had no idea about that to be honest, he never mentioned anything though I guess it could Have developed later on, we stopped speaking around 21/22 years old.

We were absolute best mates for about 7 years.

[Magic]

I described it to my mum as like you've lost something, lose interest in it but then suddenly find out its been destroyed or something. But on a much bigger and personal level.

[bruhnaldo]

Magic this is nothing of your fault. You don't owe people to stay in their lives just because you were in them once.

[Offshore Toon]

Similar happened to me in October but with smaller time frames. You could have delayed what happened, but he had to take responsibility of his own issues and beat them by himself. There's probably all sorts of dark shit you had no idea about that sparked his troubles.

[Magic]

I'm really sorry to hear that. A PhD student in my department committed suicide a few years ago, and it's difficult to rationalise it. Suicide always seems like such a difficult and avoidable form of death, and you always find yourself asking whether you should have behaved differently in some way or whether you could have helped.

I didn't know the student well, and I was still reeling for a couple of weeks. It takes a while to fully deal with it, and to accept that you couldn't have done more than you did. All I can say is take some time - even take a day off work to get yourself on a more even keel. It will pass, but it won't feel good for a while, and it won't pass quickly.

I was surprised at this initially, but I am talking with his mum now and it has hit me like a 180mph car crash. I was surprised I wasn't more devastated but it's literally all I can think about now. I am sitting with a rare Sirlion on my own in a remote restaurant playing with it like a full male Lion. Fucking hell.

[Magic]

Similar happened to me in October but with smaller time frames. You could have delayed what happened, but he had to take responsibility of his own issues and beat them by himself. There's probably all sorts of dark shit you had no idea about that sparked his troubles.

Really sorry to hear that Offy.

[Magic]

Thanks everyone, especially @bruh some good advice.

[bruhnaldo]

Just remember there was nothing you could do man. I know you're sad and I totally understand that but please don't feel any guilt or blame.

[Magic]

The funeral is on Thursday and I'm dreading it. A life I left behind, I felt I had no choice to better myself. Now I'll be seeing people I haven't spoken to for years. Some arseholes too. I hope they don't think I'm a cunt.

Suicide is weird, my mate was always the one to land on his feet no matter what, a guy who got lucky every time. Never ever would have thought he'd do this tbh.

They've also made his funeral casual clothes (mawk) and custom tshirt based (mawkier).

I tried to get him to fucking play the game of growing up and taking responsibility but couldn't do it. Can't tell his parents that though.

[Shindig]

28 year-old lass in the office is going through cancer. Hell.

[bruhnaldo]

That'll be rough but at least you've had some contact with the parents so it won't be an all at once rush of emotion.

[Giggles]

Why do you care if arseholes think you're a cunt? Fuck them.

[Magic]

It's just in case anyone even remotely thinks 'why do you care now you haven't for the past few years'. I know some will no doubt think that, and it's true, but nobody can take the good times away. I didn't even know he was severely depressed.

[John]

If that's what they're going to think then let them think it, there's no reason for you to concern yourself with it. You're there to pay your respects, not reconnect with plebby mates from a decade ago.

[bruhnaldo]

John is 100% right.

Magic, those people are probably going to think you're a cunt. You wanna know why?

Because they, the shithead people who were still in his life, the ones who didn't grow up and get on with it like you and the rest of society, are actually part of the blame.

They're the ones who were with him day in and day out, more or less condoning the shite lifestyle that they'd grown accustomed to over so many years.

Instead of taking responsibility for themselves, they all fucked off around the illusion that the world was to blame for their faults, thereby enabling each other to continue down the same cycle of shitty life choices and attitudes.

So when they see you, someone who has successfully managed to break that cycle in his own life, they'll feel nothing but jealousy and envy. They'll put you in a category all too similar with those who they've perceived have "slighted" them along their way that they use to live these destructive, immature lifestyles.

When they see you, they'll push the blame that they, themselves feel onto you because "you weren't there!" when in all actuality they WERE and should've seen or done something more about it instead of feeling sorry for their own selves all the time.

In all actuality, it should be you the one who is pissed at them for being so careless to not see the signs when they were around him day in and day out. It should be you who feels some kind've way for them consistently enabling him to continue the destructive path he was on. A path that you were once on yourself until you manned the fuck up and changed your life for the better.

Don't let the opinions of these people make you feel any kinda way whatsoever. You can't save everybody. You did the best you could. You lived your life in such a way that it could've inspired him and the others around him to make changes in their life for the better. They didn't. They have to live with that, not you.

Long story short, yes, they're gonna look at you and have resentment. Their resentment doesn't come from anything you did, it comes from your light shining brighter than yours. It comes from them seeing you and having uncomfortable feelings within themselves and trying to find a way to justify it without taking any blame.

Shitty, psychotic people are always going to be that way. Just go, pay your respects, and be done with them and everything else just as you have all these years.

Keep your head up, bub. You'll get thru.

[bruhnaldo]

Christ that's a wall of text, sorry.

[Magic]

No it's good mate, you're right, it's sad he couldn't break out of it, I found out he was a van driver for a charity. That is a disgrace really, not knocking van drivers for charities but fucking hell. No wonder he was depressed. Silly cunt was so much better than that, but we take our own paths. I turned my back on that life, he messaged me a couple of times when he was pissed but I didn't reply. I did reply to the sober ones but equally we didn't bother as we knew we had different lifestyles I think. Makes me quite angry to see some of the losers that are giving it large outpourings of grief on Facebook, it's really sad some right fucking mongs from school. And his girlfriend was an absolute fucking retard. Just a total shame, it's all about who you surround yourself with, and that was perpetuated especially I can see some right dafties. Maybe his mum and dad won't forgive me for not being there instead of those gooms.

[bruhnaldo]

Well if his parents are any sort of way with you that's not really fair either. Like you said, it's not as if you completely just utterly shut him out of your life. You've moved on to better things. You tried to help him along but in the end you have to do what's best for you and thank God you did. Who knows where you'd be if you'd sat in the same routines as they did.

And hell, even if you did "shut him out completely", it's not your responsibility either way. You were friends growing up, you feel awful about what's happened, but in no way is it something that you should feel guilty about.

But again, as far as the parents go, listen.. it's natural for you as a human to try and run thru everyone's emotions and try to guess what they're thinking. Don't get into your own mind. The parents are naturally going to look outwardly before they look inwardly to put the blame on someone and you'll be well aware of that I'm sure.

If they somehow manage to think you need to be "forgiven" for not holding their son's hand thru life, don't feel any sort of way toward them. They're just grieving. I can't imagine losing a child, especially in such circumstances. They're going to go thru this grief for the rest of their lives. Don't hold it against them, let them work thru their grief but maintain poise thru any off-hand comments or outbursts (not saying this will happen but just prepare yourself beforehand).

The best thing you can do, and as I've said before, is just show that you're there for them (not saying go get directly involved with them, just a passing word of support as you've done), and be there for the people directly around you (mutual, non-toxic friends).

[Magic]

Arranged to meet one of band mates tonight and he's fucked me off didn't even let me know until I asked when he was gonna be in. Reached out to the other one and he's ignored me after an initial reply a couple of days ago.

Vindication. :drool:

[Magic]

I'm sorry for continually bumping but I went to see him today. It was very...comforting. He looked so peaceful. Knowing he had to escape life. I'd recommend it for suicides. Pain free finally. Also leaving stuff in the casket does help too. Never got to do that with my grandad as he donated to medical.

[Magic]

Man that was the saddest shit ever. His mum and dad just couldn't handle it. I was greetin' the whole way through the service. The worst bit was lowering the coffin his mum started shouting 'Love you son'.

Fucking ripped everyone up. Suicides are the worst.

[bruhnaldo]

Sorry bud.

[John]

Funerals for people who've gone young are always rough. You'll generally get loads of people for whom it's the moment the whole thing actually becomes real, so lots of loud weeping and reacting with the sort of disbelief you'd expect from someone who's just found out the person's dead.

[Magic]

Found out he hung himself with a laptop charger. 3rd attempt.

Also his daughter still doesn't know. Tragic.

[Lewis]

Well that's grim.

[Magic]

Isn't it. And my home life is fucked. Everything I knew or know is or has crumbled. Shite.

[Spikey M]

A laptop charger seems like a fucking stupid way of doing it. It's almost impressive that he managed it.

Was he a member of the band MJ?

[Ian]

Found out he hung himself with a laptop charger. 3rd attempt.

Also his daughter still doesn't know. Tragic.

How old is his daughter? What does she think happened (if anything)?

[Magic]

A laptop charger seems like a fucking stupid way of doing it. It's almost impressive that he managed it.

Was he a member of the band MJ?

Yep but he wasn't in the right mind. Semi destroyed the house just before. If you've already failed twice via drugs then it's drastic measure time.

[Magic]

How old is his daughter? What does she think happened (if anything)?

8. She thinks he's had an accident and is ill.

[Shindig]

I'd have got that out of the way before the holidays ended, really.

[Spikey M]

8. She thinks he's had an accident and is ill.

That just seems more cruel to me. It's a fucking horrible thing to have to tell her, but dragging it out isn't going to help

[Magic]

No. The mum so hasn't even acknowledged his death either. I have her on FB it's strange to see the kid so happy, obviously I know now that's because she isn't aware.

[Magic]

Oh my God now his dad has been sectioned. Terrible.

[Lewis]

A chicken and egg situation if ever there was one.

[Magic]

I can't imagine losing a kid through suicide. Th feelings of inadequacy and failure must be unbearable.